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Signup Review Thread

Discussion in 'RPG Café' started by Peter Quill, Dec 9, 2008.

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  1. Peter Quill

    Peter Quill star-lord

    [seal]center][/seal]​


    As the RPG area moves on through Sppf, I have noticed a certain well... pattern with how some people are making their signups. Well let's just say they are barely meeting quality, heck even I'm one of the people contributing to this fact. And well it just seems to irk me how people are just doing this.

    So I came up with this idea, that we could showcase a bunch of great RPG signups so that everybody could see and learn how to create better quality signups. So this is what it has come down to, a thread where you can post your signup and get it evaluated. Helpful samaritans, people you know people you don't. We're all one RPG community and we should help eachother out! Everybody has a diffrent perspective on things, and with the helpful people in this thread we could make that signup ten times better! (Not saying your signup is bad, however in this thread it's possible to improve on perfection!)

    The Aspects Of Reviewing, What are you gonna Review? How Are You Going To Do It?

    RPG Signups generally have three areas on which you are going to review no matter what. The Physical Description of the character, the character's personality (How they act, talk etc.) and the character's personal history. These must be in a signup, or else it will not count as one. There are various other things that you can add in a signup, this depends on the RPG which you are planning on being in. If you are joining a Pokemon RPG, you're proabably going to have a pokemon somewhere in your Signup.

    When you review in this thread you are trying to help the person out. To effectively help the people in this thread out your review should cover all of their signup. It should explain what is good in the signup, what could be bad or unrealistic in the signup and generally what you think about it.

    First off a tip when reviewing. Tone makes all the diffrence, the way yo present your speech can give mixed messages to the recipient. If you act rash and rude, it's going to look a lot more like a flame then a review. However you can't sugercoat a truth that the signup may be lacking, the secret is a structured mix of both. A way of stating the lacking parts without being rude, but not being overly nice... Constructive Criticsm.

    It occured to me that the most reviewing that you are going to proabably give the most tips on is the history. The best way for people to learn is a visual aid, so I'm going to give you some examples. Here is a history that I created in around five minutes, as you can see it really isn't that great. So let's poke at it a bit eh? We can make this a whole lot better, what better way then helpful advice?

    Now we'll drag this down through diffrent parts.

    This is the start of a classic Gary-Stu syndrome. This starts the path for a character that will proabably act really angsty or emo during the roleplay. Unless the parents are bad parents (which I wouldn't suggest, for this is another Gary-Stu past) both children would proabably get the same amount of attention, or else the parents would've tried. He might be jealous of other kids, because they have normal siblings but that's completely off the point. It would be wise to change this, if you would like a better history for your character.

    That was certainly helpful wasn't it? Now let's look at THE BAD REVIEW hur, hur.

    First off that doesn't make sense at all. So his sister was "Special" why would that drag away any attention? You're making a completely bratty character and you're not going to get into a RPG with a bad history.

    How does this help the person at all? The person has completely made a mockery of the character without offering any advice on how to improve? This reviewer has an acid tongue, and an extremely pessimistic view. Hey, we know that this history isn't the greatest but we've just kicked the person while they're already down. This is practically a flame, and isn't a great way to review at all. Now we need to continue on with the demo.

    OMG!!! I feel so bad for him his parents are totaly meen!! He's certainyl smart to calm down though.

    Ok, perhaps I may have exaggerated with all of the exclimation marks and other grammatical errors, however this still isn't a good way to review. In this style of reviewing you're almost like a nanny. Everything you have said is praise, mindless praise. Heck, it's not even a review! Don't encourage stuff like this, it kinda makes you look a bit newbish. I mean, I personally disdain from the use of personal comments in a review, and this is certainly not how you pull them off! If you want to add personal notes, please do so in a manner which doesn't completely sidetrack from the review.

    One would think that after being with his sister for so many years that he would get used to her tendencies? You should proabably explain why he blew up at her in a diffrent way then "she wouldn't understand", perhaps she didn't but there's certainly a diffrent way on how to describe that. Exactly he knew better, so his parents yelled at him. He went for a walk doesn't really cut it, did he sneak out without his parent's permission in spite? Or did he simply go up to his parents and say "I'm going to remove myself in an act to calm down. So I shall be on a walk?" The possiblities are endless!

    A much more proper review. Now that I have effectively explained diffrent types of criticsm, I'll continue on through this history just to give you some more examples.

    "While he was on his walk he accidently ran into a taillow's territory and before he knew about 3 taillow were pecking at his arm it was all madness until a trainer with a strong bannete game and wiped them all out."

    - This is a run on sentence. You should add a period/full stop after "3 taillow were pecking at his arm". By the way, you should proabably switch 3 for three. With those little grammatical issues out of the way, this scenario is fairly unrealistic. If he was to remove himself from the confrontation earlier to think, he certainly is a smart boy. So when the taillow came why wouldn't of screamed for help, if the pokemon were attacking his arm would he have not thought to cover it? Why wouldn't he have tried to get the taillow away? Was he too scared? Have an irrational fear of bird pokemon? How long did this attack go on? Was he barely conscious when the mystery trainer came? How does Bannette get rid of the taillow? Why did he faint, was it from blood loss? Was he so overjoyed to be saved?

    As you can see that is a lot of questions, this means you have left up a very open ended history that doesn't cover or go into a lot of detail. Perhaps you should answer these questions so that you can improve it.

    I don't personally think that one attack to the arm will cause the need for a whole year of rehab. Now is the time where I'm gonna tell you to proabably scrap this history, unfortunately (proabably not intentionally) you have caused a very stale history. This doesn't really cover a lot of his life either, just one incident. This history really isn't the greatest because it's going to proabably come up in the RPG as a bad memory, which cause for a bland character. Otherwise known as a Gary-Stu, this time it's the angsty one.


    I can see why he would like to have a pokemon after you're portraying the trainer as a "role model" right? Nothing is really wrong here except for the fact he grew up in Pastoria city. This is something you'd rather put at the begging of a History, rather then the end.

    Overall this history isn't the best, sorry to say. As I explained before it's only one incident, it's all rather "Gary-Stu" and would mess up the RPG. Also there's a whole lot you could do more! Explain everything in complete detail! There's no such thing as a history that's too big, so keep on going!


    This ends my review of this history, you're not being forced to type, elaborate or go into detail like I did but I highly reccomend it! The more that you elaborate and help out the recipient, the higher chance that in the end the character and signup will be so much better! Remember you're to help the best way you can.

    On an ending note I would like to give you a few more tips for the best use of this thread. Think of them as rules and guidelines.

    - Please post here if you are looking for somone to review for you. Just leave your RPG signup, somebody will come along and review it for you. This does mean you are going to have to be patient until somebody comes along.

    - The only sort of criticsm that will be accepted is the type that I showed to you guys earlier on this post.

    - Please post here only if you want a review, or are going to review somebody. You may only be allowed to post the same signup one time. If you would like to ask the original reviewer why they gave you a good/bad/indiffrent review please do so in a Personal Message or Visitor message.

    - Have Fun! Seriously guys this is a no brainer!
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2009
  2. Peter Quill

    Peter Quill star-lord

    I guess I'll make the first post...

    Here is a Signup I have been working on for Vindex.



    Name: Agnetha Ulvaeus

    Nickname: “The Scurge”

    Gender: Female

    Age: 27

    Appearance: Agnetha has short black raven black hair that is put down in a fashion that decends a bit below her ears. She wears some white makeup on her face that makes her look quite “pasty” it also accents her red lips and her oddly coloured red eyes she wears a pair of glasses (with tinted lenses) so most people don't get to see this feature of her eyes. She has a slim build with average sizeed legs her upper body doesn't have much special except foe the fact that she boasts a bit larger than normal bust size. Agnetha is very skinny not to the point where one would call her anorexic or bolemic, she has enough skin not to show her bones.

    When not wearing a Team Magma standard uniform (which she hardly ever does) she wears a black skirt that goes around to her knees. On her upperbody she wears a black and white striped Blouse vest with a few buttons being left undone. A black Satin belt is placed on the skirt and the blouse vest. She carries a whip wherever she goes and is usually placed in her left hand. She has a pair of black small heel shoes. Agnetha never wears a normal pair of shoes. She is usually also seen with a cigarette and a bracelet that holds her two Vindi crystals. Sometimes you can see her wearing a green jacket when it gets really cold.

    Personality: Agnetha is basically what modern day people would call a “sociopath”. Agnethat doesn't have much social skills, it's more the fact that she refuses to use them. She uses harsh words and actions to make herself feel superior to eveybody else, using her whip on many occasions she has been known to whip her fellow teamates into submission. Agnetha really knows no boundires what to do with herself considering she lives for fighting. On the battlefield she is a smug, stragetic manatistical person that tries more tactical and mental warplay to “knock off” her opponents. Sticking herself alone whe always strives to be the best person anywhere she goes. In this case she wants to take over Team Magma and then rule the world by manipulating the other teams.

    History: Agnetha grew up in a household that held no boundaries for her skills. Her parents were always on business trips so Agnetha usually had a Nanny that was there to take care of her. Agnetha never really liked her Nannys however and had a few of them “leave” each week. Wherever Agnetha's found so manny Nannys the world would never know.

    Around the age Agnetha was in Elementary school she didn't get many friends. Most girls her age would mock Agnetha for having a weird accent so Agnetha was usually left all alone on the playground, unless some wild pokemon would happen to go up towards her. Agentha learned about of anger control and instead of torturing Nannys she spent most of the time in her parent's study where she would mostly read books making her very smart.

    Around the time Agnetha started to go to High School most people would describe the path she decided to go on as “bad”. She hung out with a “bad” crowd who seemed to respec her for her intelligence and strength, it was around this time Agnetha decided to take up the habit of smoking. It was a way to make herself feel better, and it gave her enough fun in her life. As soon as Agnetha hit seventeen years old she noticed that the pokemon around Hoenn were dissapearing, whoever had though of this plan was genius in Agnetha's mind and she needed to know who it was so she decided to join Team Magma. Unfortunatly Team Magma already had two admins, but eventually Agnetha would climb through the ranks and take one of their “incompetent” admins down. Agnetha also didn't want to use a pokemon, she much preffered going into a Vindex form.

    Alliance: Team Magma

    Other: Agnetha speaks in a Ukranian accent and has a fear of bug pokemon

    Item Information:

    Bag/Backpack: None, Agnetha keeps her important stuff on her

    Bag Type: Non applicable

    Items: One Lighter, One pack of Cigarettes, her Whip.

    Pokemon/Vindi Information:

    Specie: Seviper
    Nature: Bold
    Ability: Shed Skin
    Level: 40
    Moves: Bite, Poison Tail, Crunch, Poison Fang

    Specie: Metang
    Nature: Jolly
    Ability: Clear Body
    Level: 38
    Moves: Metal Claw, Confusion, Bullet Punch, Psychic
     
  3. Skeith

    Skeith (◕‿‿◕)

    I guess I'll be one of the reviewers... What? Can't I share your enthusiasm? Fine, lets get this train wreck rolling.

    1. Ha! A spelling error! I got ya now Moogles! =D

    2. Is fine but I'm not a fan of the wording. To me it seems like a fancier way of saying she doesn't have any visible fat on her belly.

    Isn't that kinda pointless when she can turn into a Pokemon? Also Cameron Oakley, the creator of the rpg, has stated that she won't allow weapions.

    However she hasn't made it very clear (as I can't find mention of this on the front page) so you may want to take it up with her.

    Personality is fine in my opinion. Next.

    Ha another spelling error!

    Why does she hate her Nanny's? Is it because she felt that they were taking her parents away from her, they were just meaaaaan or some other reason? Also how could a pre/elementary school child be so bad as to drive them away?

    Oh and other things to consider adding, where she comes from and her parents financial status but there optional

    Okay, this is the first I've heard of her accent. Has she moved countries/towns or does she just have a lisp or something? Also Pokemon were her only friends? Hrrm thats interesting...

    Spellin' errors, I'm on fire today :3

    Pokemon were her only friend's right? Then why is she so pleased that they're disappearing? Did some of the bad girls teach her to dislike them or did she have one bad expirence too many? Also if she was laying off her nanny's and studying she was seemingly becoming gooder so what set her off down the bad girls path? Friends?

    Also I'm not too sure how the entirely Vindex sqaud will go down (since shes a villian) but that's for Cameon to decide.

    Anyway I don't see anything else besides that so, yeah thats it. Hope it's helpful.
     
  4. Brando95

    Brando95 Dazzle 'em, Milotic!

    I guess since the thread is so dull... here my sign- up from Angel's Requim:

    Name: Pinto Heich

    Nickname: Ember

    Age: 17

    Specie: Human

    Sex: Male

    Nationality: The Imperial Kingdom

    Appearance:
    Pinto (Ember) is 5' 7'' and weighs 135 lbs. Ember has black hair that lags down to his face and red eyes (that's an odd color, don't you think). Ember also has a tanned skin tone. He has a moderately sized mouth, ears, nose and other features. He is well built, being that he spends most of his time working out and mastering his magic. He wears a red, spring jacket that has white zippers. He usually keeps this open to reveal a white T- shirt with a Red Collar. Ember also wears black jeans that he finds suitable for any weather. Around his waist, there is a black pouch that Ember uses to hold throwing blades, which he seems to have an unlimited supply of.

    Personality: Ember works well with other people but, he does have a bit of a temper. Ember's attitude is much like fire, wild and out of control. When working with other people, he will get annoyed by the slightest mistake and feels that he can get things done better when alone. But, he tries to make the best of working together with other creatures, especially with his angel since he is stuck with it. When alone, Ember tries to either train and work out (which is what he does most in his free time) or help around the town in which he lives. He seems to have random mood swings and become mad at the slightest problem. But, he also sometimes accepts a problem and does whatever he can to fix it. Ember sure is a complex person to deal with. When in a conversation with a person, Ember can be a bit of a loud mouth. Not only does he brag about his accomplishments but, he tries to put down other people with their accomplishments. When trying to be the best he can at things, he does this by making people feel down about themselves. Though, he does have a kind side and can be nice around friends or when he is trying to make friends. Unfortunately, this is hard since he is a show- off. Also, he can't control his emotions so, people find that pretty annoying.

    History:
    Ember was born in Trymost which is in the Imperial Kingdom. He has lived there all of his life and was assigned an angel from the Heavens. He is unaware of this however, being that nobody knows of the Heavens. Ember first came in contact with his Angel during a walk around Trymost a few months ago. He approached an abbandoned church which was barren for a few years now. After walking a few steps closer, a gust of wind brewed up at the enterance. Ember grabbed his blades (his weapon of choice) before he noticed that, after the gust subsided, there was only a little bird left. It was a tiny Avion only, it was 7 inches tall. It flew on Ember's head and told him that he was giong to be his angel. Perplexed, Ember decided that he had no choice but, to accept him as his angel.

    Ever since, the two have trained together and learned to accept each other. They now reside peacefully at Ember's home.

    At home, Ember lived alone until he recently met his Angel. Now, they live together peacefully. Ember had recently graduated High School and decided not to persue into College. Gust, Ember's angel, is disappointed in Ember for not going to college. He believes that Ember had a lot of potential, even though he wasn't the best student.

    Weapon: Ember wields a seemingly unlimited supply of small, Japanese throwing blades. He usually uses fire magic, or any other magic, to set the blades on fire (or something to that effect) to deal massive damage. When using Wind Magic, given to him by his Avion angel, Ember can wield many blades at once. Usually, Ember holds the blades between his fingers during battle. He then let's go of them with a swift movement of his arms to shoot them at enemies. Then, almost instantly, he grabs more in between his fingers. Being an expert at this, Ember never cuts himself by the sharp edges of the blades even though this would be very dangerous if someone else were doing it.

    Skills:
    Ember can expertly wield blades in between his fingers. Though he believes in an all offense strategy, he still uses many different types of magic.

    Black Magic-
    Fire (Over- developed.)
    Thunder (Average. Isn't as powerful as fire.
    Nova (Which he uses for attacks only. Isn't very powerful. When given by Angel.)
    Wind (Very powerful. When given by Angel)
    Ice (When given by Angel. This isn't very powerful since Avion's use mostly Wind)

    White Magic (Ember believes in all offense. He only has this because of Angel)

    Purple Magic (Ember mostly uses this to give himself the fire element. He rarely uses it to make other battle skills stronger. Other than fire, he uses Ice element to make his Ice Magic stronger since it is his most under- developed magic.)

    Crystal Magic (Ember only has this because of Angel. It is very under- developed so, he uses Purple Magic to enhance his skills most of the time. He uses Crystal Magic rarely in tough spots when he needs both Purple and Crystal Magic.)

    Angel Information:

    Name: Gust

    Age: 17

    Sex: Male

    Specie: Avion

    Appearance:
    Gust is an Avion that is almost a complete opposite of Ember. He is ironically 5' 7'' and weighs 135 lbs. He is red and gold almost all over. Gust's body is mostly feathers but, his belly. Though he has black eyes, his entire body is red but, he is gold on his belly and under his wings. Also, his beak is a straight, rounded cone with a sharp point at the end. It is gold with strikes of black running through it. Although Gust has the striking similarities of Ember on the outside, he is completely different on the inside. Avion cares for others and works well with others. He learned to work well with Ember as did Ember learn to work well with Gust. He prioritizes defense and statistics rather than offense.

    Personailty:
    Gust tries to work well with others as good as possible. He normally comes across people with other angels which he is happy to make conversation with. He has learned to work well with Ember since they are bound together for life. Gust would normally act calm and plan ahead when alone but, he is never alone since he is together with Ember forever. He sometimes wishes that he had a different creature to watch over, especially when Ember has his temper. But, the two are still good friends.
    During a horrible situation, which only really happens when Ember gets in a fight with someone, Gust doesn't panic much. As the wise angel he is, he always knows the right thing to do and resolves any conflicts that come in his path. But, things won't always come this easy for Gust.

    History:
    In Heaven, Gust had many other Avion friends. He steered clear of most human/elf/dwarfs because they had many differences that would be hard to have in a friend. Although Gust believed this at first, he learned to like Ember after being assigned to him. At home, Gust would mostly stay with his overprotective parents and no siblings. At school, Gust would stay with his little Avion "clique" and out of the way of other students. He was a great student and was wise at everything he did.
    Gust was sent to watch over Ember by the head Angel in the Heavens. This was around when Gust was about to graduate from High School. Unfortunately, he had a month to meet Ember before Ember would die (since an angel must be with his earthling or else it will die). Gust abbandoned school for his duties that needed to be fufilled on earth. He first met Ember at the abandoned church in Trymost. After this, Gust has picked up most of Ember's life style and figured that being his angel wouldn't be too bad. He has lived with Ember for 7 years and has been treated fairly by Ember. He trains regularly with Ember and has developed his Nova and Ice magic as much as possible (which isn't much).

    Powers: Gust has a wide variety of magic.

    Black Magic-
    Wind (VERY powerful. Most used by him.)
    Nova (Very under- developed)
    Ice (Isn't used much and can use MUCH more improvement)

    Crystal Magic (Used a lot by Gust. He tries to enhance Ember's skills)

    White Magic (Used to heal himself and Ember. Ember doesn't believe in this tactic. He spends more time fighting and Gust is left with the responsibility for healing.)

    Other:
    Gust refuses to call Ember by his nickname. He always refers to him as Pinto.
     
  5. Growlachu

    Growlachu Well-Known Member

    Here is my sign up for The Cynthia Cup
    Name: Richie *Insert Volknor's Last Name Here*
    Gender: Male
    Hometown: Sunnyshore Region, Sinnoh
    Age: 12
    Appearance:
    Normal Look:
    A young boy with blond hair that is in awild spiky style up until the front where it smooths out. His eyes are a deep blue that sparkle in the light. His skin is fair and normal. He wears a blue headband. He has a blue T-shirt that says, "Born to Win!" on it. He wears a thin grey jacket over it with the zipper open. His jacket has blue stripes at the bottom of the jacket and the ends of the sleeves. He wears jeans that are ripped at the knee's and in the back at the bottom. He has a chain hanging from his right pocket with a watch on it. He also sports a blue Poketch on his wrist. His shoes are black running shoes.
    Contest Appearance(Usual):
    His wild hair is slightly tamed. He wears a out fit similar to Ash's from the Wallace Cup. His outfit, although is a light blue shade. He wears his Dad's(Volkner) badge on his right part of the jacket. He usually also has a Gracidea Flower in his hat as well as behind his Father's badge. His poketch is replaced by a silver and qold watch.
    Personality: He is always bright and happy. He doesn't get sad or grumpy often. I guess you can say he has an electric personality. His favorite type is electric and loves to use the electric seal. Although hhe is usually happy he turns angry when his friends are insulted. He unleashes his rage through fierce contest battling. He has a very gentle and kind heart to those in danger or in pain and will risk his life to help his freinds and those in need. He loves to read books and will when seen not busy have a book in his hands. He takes a lot of strategies from the books he reads. He is serious during his contest battles and will not laugh unless laughing gas is released or he gets tickled by someone extremely hard.
    History:
    Childhood:
    He grew a normal life as a child. Nothing special here.
    Floaram Contest:
    Pikachu span arounbd the bolts pushing them away. Pikachu Discharge and finish with Volt Tackle. He did his best and managed to make it to the second round. He beat the other coordinators and managed to score his first(and only) ribbon.
    Pokemon:
    Sparky(Pikahu):
    A male Pikachu withan electric personality.
    Moves: Discharge, Volt Tackle, Double Team, Iron Tail
    Sprx(Buizel):
    A male Buizel that loves to battle.
    Moves: Aqua Jet, SonicBoom, Razor Wind, Qick Attack
     
  6. Peter Quill

    Peter Quill star-lord

    Because you put in a diffresnt signup I'll critique the one from the thread.

    I don't have a clear description of the character, I see some fundamental skills but what's his build? Is he tall and well muscled? Or is he little and scrawny, you haven't given him a nose or a good detail on the mouth. Some Upper body description could be given into effect, does he have broad shoulders?

    Ash's costume from the Wallance Cup. - Please go into detail, I for one haven't seen the episode for the Wallance Cup.

    His personaily seems good for me. However his angryness is somehow put into the electric personality? That seems a bit contradictory to me.

    You need alot more history. how was his life growing up? Did he have lot's of friends? What were his favourite hobbies? School life? His family, how did they act? Was his mother a drugee? The history is the best part of a Signup you can never flesh it out enough.

    I hope this helped. ^_^
     
  7. Stabberz

    Stabberz The RPG Godfather

    Name: Jenna Shand

    Age: 21

    Gender: Female

    Personality: Jenna is a carefree fun loving person she is always the first to appreciate a good joke and is always in the midst of a conversation and is normally the one leading it, even during fighting she is joking around and keeping everyone’s moral high if it takes her she can be deadly serious and will take make sure everything she does is finished, she is also a tidy person always cleaning up and making sure that she never gets blood on her clothes when fighting, with the male sex she is confident dubbed as a player which she ignores, she isn’t scared of many things but her fears include a fear of commitment a fear of spiders a fear of snakes and a fear of death, she maintains that she doesn’t want to fight the war but accepts that she might have to. She will also do anything to stop losing someone she’s close to, sometimes going as far as to sacrifice herself for others, she has a small hatred of Team Rocket as she was there when the Goldenrod Radio Station was blown up killing many people who she knew, when she fights she will always find the most painful way to kill a Rocket member and it pleases her to hear them scream.

    Physical Description: Jenna is about five foot seven inches tall; her hair which drops to her shoulders is a dark red colour which with the added effect of its waviness keeps it out of her eyes which are a bright blue colour that match her sword, he skin is slightly pale which help compliment her eyes she wears dark black hells which add an inch to her height on her legs she normally wears skin tight black Lycra pants with three wavy lines of blue running down the back of her pants, on her top half she wears a crystal blue vest that compliments her chest on top of that she normally wears a black leather jacket over that slung on her back is the sheath to her long crystal sword, which is the same colour of her sword with an intricate black razor pattern. She also carries a medium sized black steel AK47 it has a diamond encrusted barrel and is equipped with an attachable sniper scope it is slung across her back hidden from view she has many knives which are concealed in different compartments under her jacket, if you peeled back her clothes that hid her back you would see a large scar running down her back she also has another small scar on her right thigh from when she was a child.

    History: Jenna was born in Goldenrod hospital the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was Ho-oh who was flying over Goldenrod her mother had carried her over to the window and was pointing the landmarks out to her new baby Jenna led a happy life her father worked at the Radio station which paid well so there was always food on the table, she left to go on her journey at the age of ten choosing Chikorita as her starter Pokémon her goal was to find and battle Ho-oh she participated in many gyms and contests during her journey, she eventually won enough gym badges and ribbons to enter two of the most prestigious tournaments; The Grand Festival and The Silver Conference, she made it to the Quarter Finals in the Grand Festival and the Semi Finals in the Silver Conference, she returned home to Goldenrod at the age of thirteen on the back of both of these impressive feats she stayed at home for three more years finishing school and learning more after finishing school she soon got restless and decided she would challenge the gym and contest circuit once more this time she made it to the final in the Grand Festival and won the Silver Conference when the person she was scheduled to face pulled out after that she decided to go up Mount Silver and fight the Elite Four she was defeated easily by Will, after her humiliating loss she went bought a house in Ecrutek ,she learnt more about Ho-oh during this time and at the age of nineteen she began travelling again she travelled to mount silver and stayed there training for a year during this time she discovered Team Rocket were building a base this was where she got her scar when she tried to calm a raging Tyranitar which Team Rocket had injected with some sort of liquid it defeated all of her Pokémon and left her for dead she woke up in a hospital bed and after she recovered she decided to return home when she arrived walked straight into a group of Rockets who yelled at her and ordered her back to her home just as she was reaching for her Pokéballs a massive explosion rent the air and the Radio Tower Exploded she ran towards it as fast as she could, later she was told that her dad had died in the explosion after that she joined up with a band of freedom fighters when Team Rocket took over and just recently she found an Ice Cool stone slab in the shoal cave when she touched it she felt mystically rejuvenated and found she could control the Ice, she hasn’t been using her power to much and has been practising in secret.

    Weapon: A thin crystal blue bladed forty inch sword but she is also partial to an Ak47 which she carries on a sling on her back.

    Ability: Ice

    Region From: Goldenrod-Johto

    Region In: Hoenn

    Pokémon:

    Species: Mamoswine

    Name/Nickname: Ram
    Gender: Male

    Moves: Earthquake, Ice Beam, Giga Impact and Icicle Spear.

    History: Jenna caught Ram as a small Swinub on the way to Blackthorn City during her first Gym Challenge it quickly evolved and helped her immensely during the battle against Claire it evolved on her second trip around Johto easily defeating Jasmine and Clair with its new found powers Jenna uses it to help her practise with her Ice powers.

    Personality: Ram is extremely proud and if any creature disses(for want of a better word) this power he will attack them until they are dead, he is unfazed by the war that is going on always glad to show its power against other peoples Pokémon, it is also extremely protective of Jenna valuing her well being over everything else.

    Other:Nope

    Species: Meganium

    Name/Nickname:Fatal

    Gender: Female

    Moves: Earthquake, Frenzy Plant, Leaf Storm and Aromatherapy

    History: Fatal was Jenna’s first Pokémon and is her most Powerful, she simply adores contests and is Jenna’s main appealer and has been used in every gym she’s ever entered it was also the only one of her Pokémon that defeated one of Will’s Pokémon.

    Personality: Fatal is always happy mimicking Jenna’s personality, she is not afraid to kill anyone who Jenna is fighting and will fight her hardest to defend her Master she also likes to heal people with Aromatherapy.

    Other: Nope.
    Species: Espeon

    Name/Nickname:psy

    Gender: Female

    Moves: Psychic, Bite, Dig and Iron Tail.

    History: Psy and Jenna share a close bond, Jenna received Psy as an Eevee from Bill they spent loads of time together and eventually Psy evolved it time to face Chuck, Psy shone in the Silver Conference beating most foes that came her way, and she was defeated easily by Will.

    Personality: Psy is always calm normally not caring what is going on around her she is unfazed by most situations, if she doesn’t do well for Jenna she gets depressed as she values Jenna above everything else in her life.

    Other: Nope.
     
  8. Double-oh-Platypus

    Double-oh-Platypus Well-Known Member

    Name: Nora Jessica Parker
    Age: 12
    Gender: Female
    Physical Description: Nora has plain brown hair that comes down to her chest. Her bangs have grown out, but they only come down to about her nose, and can be swept up with a couple of bobby pins. She has pale blue eyes and pearly white teeth that are the result of a year of braces. She wears a pair of blue jeans that are a bit ripped and a multi-coloured tank-top that is usually hidden under her blue and grey Billabong hoodie. On her feet she wears a pair of black and white Adidas sneakers and she carries around a white Hurley backpack. She is never seen without her green and blue shutter shades that constantly rest on the top of her brown hair.
    Personality: Nora is a quiet kid. She’s never one to shout out her feelings and she’s not one to stand out in a crowd, though stand out in a crowd she does. A lot of the boys at the trainer school have always had their eyes on Nora, but of course Nora does not return the feelings, rather studying, dancing or playing soccer. She can be a cheerful and happy person though and never lets things get to her too quickly. She is serious in any event she competes in, whether it be a dance competition, soccer or a Pokemon Battle. She always has her eyes on the prize and concentrates always on giving it her all. She is, however, a good sport; she doesn’t mind losing, unless to circumstances that are totally unfair and she works hard to learn from the battles that she loses to. Nora’s a confident person and a great friend, but it’s tough to earn her trust and can give the appearance of not being very friendly.
    History: Nora was born and raised in Hearthome City, where her mom competed in the contests and quickly gained fame. Wanting to escape the hustle and bustle, she moved to Sandgem Town to live with her Aunt Alyssa, who was kind enough to take her in. She went to the local trainer school and met Jordyn and became quick friends. When she turned twelve Nora was eligible to receive her trainer’s license and begin her Pokemon journey.
    Other: Nora, though quiet, does enjoy physical activity and the fine arts. At home, she was known for her ability to play the piano and her singing voice, though she didn’t like to perform with her musical talents. Instead she took up different forms of dance, including ballet and hip-hop. She is now quite and experience dancer. A couple of years after she started dance, she started soccer to help strengthen her ability to move her feet and can play the game well.

    Pokemon:
    Name/Nickname:
    Annabeth
    Species: Piplup  Prinplup  Empoleon
    Gender: Female
    Personality: Annabeth is quiet and determined, just like Nora. She keeps her head focused around the task at hand and keeps working hard to reach her goals. She has the uncanny ability sense when bodies of water are nearby or if it will rain in the next 24 hours.

    Name/Nickname: Sparky
    Species: Shinx  Luxio  Luxray
    Gender: Male
    Personality: Sparky is a bit of a hot-head. He was the first Pokemon Nora ever caught and they share a close bond. As a Shinx, he was quite playful and always excited for battles, but as he grew and evolved, his personality seemed to shift to the cool, older and leader type. He is often in the gym battles, despite type weaknesses and always helps out Nora when he can.

    Name/Nickname: Adele
    Species: Budew  Roselia  Roserade
    Gender: Female
    Personality: As a Budew, Adele was not very confident and quite shy. She disliked battling because she was afraid of getting hit and had an abnormally high speed for her type. As she grew and evolved though she began to gain more confidence and when she finally evolved to Roserade, she had a bit of an attitude. She now is used in many battles and is also Nora’s contest Pokemon when she enters, but that's rarely.

    Name/Nickname: Missy
    Species: Misdreavus  Mismagius
    Gender: Female
    Personality: Missy is very… mischievous. She is the resident prankster on Nora’s team and often lightens up everyone’s mood when they need a cheering up. She is also quite powerful for a young Pokemon and quite confident… too confident. This can often result in Missy not being a good sport, as she hates to lose. She is also Nora’s second contest Pokemon, though she doesn’t always listen to her trainer in the contests.

    Name/Nickname: Flannery
    Species: Ponyta/Rapidash
    Gender: Female
    Personality: Flannery was always jumping into things as a Ponyta. She would race into a battle and often get hurt, much to Nora’s disliking. Eventually, Nora trained Flannery to be a little bit more patient, but that’s hard when you’re the fastest Pokemon out there. When Flannery evolved she took on a more motherly role in the party and her attitude switched with what it used to be. She was then a patient and strategic Pokemon and a top powerhouse on Nora’s team.

    Name/Nickname: Thalia
    Species: Hippopotas  Hippowdon
    Gender: Female
    Personality: As a Hippoptas, Thalia was very adventurous and happy. She was the must child-like of the party and enjoyed battling, even though she didn’t do very well in them. She could always cheer Nora up when she wasn’t too happy and was always a favourite on the team. When she evolved however, she turned into quite a grump, but some powerhouse moves, who could complain with a Pokemon that could blast you to bits whenever it felt like it.
     
  9. The Black Glove

    The Black Glove The Resident BAMF

    Well, seeing as nobody has reviewed anyone in awhile, I figure I'll look over you two.


    Okay, first problem right off the bat. Nobody likes to read a wall of text. Split them up into paragraphs of about 4-6 sentences. After that, we'll talk about detail. Formatting should always be your first priority.


    Another female character! Joy!

    Again, same problem as above. Put a space in between the paragraphs. Also, the sections are all too short, History in particular. History should always (without exception) be the longest part of a character's SU. It says 'why' they act like they do based on what has happened in their lives so far. Your Pokemon, on the other hand, came out well.
     
  10. Kiruria

    Kiruria La Melancolie Noir

    No reviewees since last year? Are people that afraid of a signup review? Ah what the heck, I'll step up to the plate. Besides, I've been pondering one of my most common characters, for whom I'm kinda worried about Gary Stu-isms and such.

    So here is one of his signups--this one was from "Quista: Cry of the Guardian" with a change to the Pokemon section. Any suggestions for things to be expanded on or eliminated would be appreciated...

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Name: Lupin Merrimac, formerly known as Edwin Tasselbury
    Side: Pursuers (Private investigator allied with the FBI)
    Age: 24
    Gender: Male

    Description: Lupin likes to mantain a well-kept appearance with a modest touch of class, though to some he comes across as intimidating. He's just slightly on the tall side, standing at 5'9". Deep brown eyes are clearly visible behind rectangular glasses, because his hair--which is of varying blond shades, has a slight curl, and reaches about to his shoulders--isn't thick enough to get in the way. His skin is quite pale due to lack of sunlight, and although he definitely looks and feels thin-figured, he seems to be in pretty good shape.

    Perhaps part of the reason why Lupin seems a bit intimidating is the fact that he wears all black. All his clothes hug his figure without being tight on him. His coat is especially striking in that sense--it's long enough to reach down to his thighs, and has dark purple embroidery on the bottom, neck, and ends of sleeves. It has two rows of tarnished bronze buttons down the front, and one on each sleeve. One obvious pocket with the same embroidery is on his chest, but there are a few hidden ones as well. Lupin wears a shirt underneath this coat, but no one ever sees it because he always buttons the coat all the way up to his neck. The sleeves of the coat are just long enough to cover part of his hands, which are covered with black fingerless gloves which revel his long, thin fingers. In addition to all that, Lupin wears a pair of black trousers and black leather shoes.

    Personality: An outlaw at heart, Lupin has a penchant for sneaking his way around the rules. He always does so in a surreptitious manner, and goes by the motto "quickly, quietly, reasonably" so as to avoid getting caught. ("Reasonably" means "only when necessary" or "not just for the heck of it"). This goes with that characteristic smirk on his face, which he commonly shows among familiar faces. Or when stealing something, which is indeed his greatest passion, as well as his forte. That coupled with his general skill with his hands makes him an especially talented pickpocket and lock-picker. And it is those skills that he adamantly refuses to turn away from, no matter what.

    In general, Lupin tends to be a rather quiet person (not to mention he never shouts or raises his voice), and is not too fond of social contact--in many cases, he prefers to do things alone. Most people would see him as being very serious, quite a bit cold-hearted, even a slight bit intimidating--he certainly does have a dark aura about him. This is especially the case when around people he doesn't particularly trust, or has to do business with--like the FBI for instance.

    But it also has to do with the psychological scars caused by events in his past, especially his time in the Shockwave prison and with his father. They cause a sense of uneasiness in him, especially during his free time alone--it's as if they're a curse of some sort. Having such psychological problems as an eating disorder, a decreased sense of romance, and the quite frequent depression certainly doesn't help either. But another characteristic of Lupin is that as long as he has something or someone to live for, he has a remarkable amount of willpower--he will try and overcome a perilous situation to the absolute best of his ability.

    As far as other things go, Lupin is not too fond of bright lights, and is thus nocturnal. Also, though he doesn't seem to have much respect for people's property, he does have great respect of nature. Although Lupin is not normally talkative, he can be when faced with a rival or enemy, in which case his tone of voice can sound a tiny bit pedantic, as if to win them over by wit. Moreover, if he's asked a question he doesn't want to answer, he'll try to lead the asker away from the subject. And finally, unless it's a matter of life or death or perhaps a friend being in danger, Lupin tries to avoid taking risks.

    History: Edwin lived the early years of his life in a flat in Lilycove City, Hoenn. His father worked at a rather prestigious and expensive restaurant called the Golden Swan, although he just washed dishes and swept floors and didn't get paid much. The Tasselbury family was in fact quite poor, poor enough that Dad didn't want a child because it would be too expensive to raise. Mum managed to convince him otherwise, but she really wanted a daughter, and was thus a bit disappointed when Edwin was born. The first three or so years were pretty much okay, but Dad soon got sick of him, maybe even angry for him being a "financial burden". Thus he often took to hitting and even torturing him, in as many ways as possible. (It would probably not be wise to go into detail at this point.) That or he would lock him up in the closet while he went to spend time alone with Mum.

    Fortunately, there were some good points. First of all, Edwin eventually figured out how to work his way through the lock on the closet door and his bedroom door. Secondly, he frequently snuck out of the flat at night to explore the city. It was on these ventures that he started to develop his thieving skills, as he needed them to obtain food and money (his parents certainly didn't give him much). Being nocturnal really did have its benefits. Also, as time passed, Mum noticed all the money he had stolen and was actually a bit proud of him--perhaps the family had a second source of income now. Unfortunately, Dad's behaviour and attitude didn't change--if anything, it got worse. Eventually, Edwin decided he'd endured enough of it, and ran away when he was ten, immedately hitchhiking on a ship headed out of the region.

    The ship went to Kanto, where Edwin was forced to live on the streets for a while--or secretly inhabit other people's homes, which he enjoyed doing then. But one day, shortly after leaving one such house, he wandered through the park and came across who looked like a retired stage magician, along with a seven-year-old girl whose outfit made her look somewhat like a Kirlia. She also looked almost exactly like a doll he had had ever since he was born, and Edwin soon found out that she and her father were homeless, that her name was Yamiko, and that she was apparently under a curse of some sort. Even though they only met once, Yamiko seemed to stick in Edwin's mind in the years after, as if they were friends in spirit.

    A short while later, after a short conversation with a boy at a school, Edwin was adopted by a family living in Celadon City. This new family had two other sons, and one neighbour who soon became friends with them. Inspired by Edwin's habits and past, the four eventually formed into a gang called the Black Cat Bandits, and went off on many nighttime adventures without their parents noticing. But this wasn't a violent or foolish gang at all. They were mostly thieves and spies, and didn't pull off too many big robberies because they didn't want to attract attention. Also, they gave themselves nicknames, making for extra fun over the years. In that group there was Halberd, the gadget master who liked to collect knives and even swords; Warren, the amiable Pokemon lover who was usually a scout; Merlin, the bookworm and paranormal enthusiast who was good at reading people's auras; and Edwin Lupin, as he was known from then on, the one who did most of the work.

    Ah, speaking of Pokemon... During the daytime, the Black Cat Bandits attended a Pokemon academy just outside of the city. The special thing about this school was that upon graduation, the students got to keep one of the Pokemon they had practiced with, thus allowing them to start a Pokemon journey on their own. And so after the Black Cat Bandits graduated, they did just that. Halberd started off with Magnemite, Warren with Pikachu, Merlin with Staryu, and Lupin with Growlithe.

    Almost immediately, the Black Cat Bandits traveled to Sinnoh, and later to Johto and Kanto. (They avoided Hoenn by Lupin's request.) Times then were good--the Black Cat Bandits did most of their traveling in the early morning, after a night of snooping around in places and honing their thieving skills. They had somewhat different aims--Halberd to be a Pokemon trainer proficient with the Steel-type, Warren to be more of a coordinator, Merlin to just explore places, and Lupin... well, he really didn't have any ambitions then; he was just a thief. But because of these ambitions, the Black Cat Bandits eventually went their separate ways by the time Lupin was in his late teens. Halberd moved back to Kanto to follow in his father's footsteps as a mechanic; Warren moved in with his girlfriend in Goldenrod City and continued his pursuit of becoming a coordinator; Merlin joined a paranormal research group in Ecruteak City, headed by former gym leader Morty...

    ...And Lupin joined Team Shockwave, a small criminal organisation the Black Cat Bandits had made a tentative plan to spy on a while earlier. Though slightly dismayed to learn they continued the tradition of taking Pokemon from trainers, he managed to take on a few missions involving stealing items from various places. The team had abandoned the idea of uniforms, and devoted much of their attention to tweaking Pokemon to make them more powerful and obedient. Lupin, after one or two protests from his Pokemon, decided not to get involved too much in the latter.

    During one mission, Lupin witnessed another Shockwave member taking a Pokemon away from someone, a fairly common sight for him. But this particular one stood out, because the victim was none other than Yamiko, the girl he had met long ago in the park in Kanto! The Pokemon being taken was a Kirlia, to no surprise. But he couldn't stop the Pokenapping without being seen by the other Shockwave guy, so he was left to witness Yamiko's misery, her mutterings about the curse she was still under and how the Kirlia had been her only Pokemon. So the next chance he got, Lupin snuck into Team Shockwave's Pokemon storage area, rescuing the Kirlia and bringing her back to Yamiko.

    For a while after that, Lupin and Yamiko journeyed together in Kanto, safely away from Team Shockwave. What Lupin didn't realise, though, was that Team Shockwave had placed a tracking device on that Kirlia a while back (that's how they found it and took it away), and didn't take it off since. So although Yamiko was glad to have Kirlia back, it wasn't too long before Team Shockwave found them again. Fortunately, this time Yamiko was able to keep Kirlia away from them, and even destroy the tracking device in the process. Lupin, though, wasn't so lucky. The grunts took him to their own prison, which mainly held disobedient Team Shockwave members and other major threats. Its owners had a habit of torturing their prisoners for information, which in Lupin's case was often things like where Yamiko lived or what her Pokedex ID number was, or how Kirlia found its way back to her.

    Lupin stayed in that place for two miserable weeks, during which the main things on his mind were Yamiko and whether Team Shockwave would find her again. More than ever he felt the mysterious bond that seemed to hold them together, a closeness he had not even come close to with anyone else before. Memories of his past haunted him in other times, memories he got absorbed in during every painful moment. But wait--I said two weeks, didn't I? That's a short time... all because Lupin finally managed to escape from the prison.

    Many happy reunions followed, with not only Yamiko, but the other Black Cat Bandits as well--this whole crisis had brought out the sympathy in them, not to mention they simply missed being all together, being practically brothers. Yamiko was included in their circle as well. But the whole situation still didn't seem that happy to Lupin, due to the remnants of his time in the Shockwave prison, and the fact that the team was in hot pursuit of him.

    Thus the Black Cat Bandits' new plan was to get rid of Team Shockwave. But this was a big task for such a small gang. They could spy on the team, but not force them to disband. For that, they sought the help of the FBI, providing them with information about Shockwave's Pokemon alteration experiments and taking Pokemon from innocent trainers. There came the biggest moment of relief Lupin had in quite a while--thanks to the FBI's help, Team Shockwave did in fact disband, more than two-thirds of its members facing arrest.

    Still, Lupin wasn't quite out of the woods yet--he began to suspect that perhaps he might never be, provided he was still a thief and Yamiko was still cursed. Though the latter remains unresolved, Lupin sort of took care of the former by taking sort of a job as a private investigator--where he could put his skills to good use. He didn't join the FBI because A) he didn't have all the qualifications, and B) it just wasn't in his nature to be part of a government-run organisation--though he kept a close watch on them, even helping out with some of their missions. And he steered clear of most of the police force, having had bad experiences with them in the distant past. Things were going sort of well...

    But not for long. Soon enough there came an incident revolving around a small group of people who had the DNA of Lugia--the Quista. The government immediately wanted to get rid of these people, thinking they would pose a threat to society. But Lupin disagreed. It's not like they were criminals of any sort; they just happened to have characteristics and maybe even powers of a legendary Pokemon. Merlin believed them to be more like special guardians chosen to keep the spirit of Lugia alive after the last real Lugia was no more, and Lupin supported this belief.

    If that wasn't enough, the other Black Cat Bandits were not doing so well in their separate endeavors, and were in a slump job-wise. Even Lupin didn't get paid by the FBI, and he had to become more of a freelancer after his refusals to fully join the police. Halberd's family's machine shop had gone bankrupt, Merlin's little fortune-telling shop wasn't generating a whole lot of income, and Lupin's sources of income were opportunistic at best, either from random reward monies for helping out with a mission (which were rare nowadays) or theft. Warren suggested a robbery of the Game Corner, just like they had pulled off years before, but Merlin thought that a bit risky--it was to be a last resort.

    Then Lupin got an invitation from the FBI to help out with their mission to find and arrest the Quista, promising a good sum of money. They even promised to hire Lupin as an official ally (though not a full agent) should he help the mission to success. But this was a mission he didn't support, so what was Lupin to do? The Black Cat Bandits spent the next few weeks coming up with a plan, one to please the FBI while at the same time help out the Quista. It was Yamiko who came up with the basic idea for the final plan: "The government will reward us if we find the Quista, right? What if, at the same time, we prove to them that the Quista are not a threat to society, that they did not choose their fate?" Yamiko received much quiet applause for that suggestion, especially from Lupin.

    --Pokemon--

    Nickname:
    Rigel
    Species: Arcanine
    Personality: Rigel is a very loyal Pokemon, and a steadfast friend. He always cares about those who are close to him, and shows it. He's also likes to show affection--for example, he frequently keeps others warm on cold days by cuddling up next to them. He also is obliged to have people ride on him, though usually he won't let let strangers do such a thing. Yet on the other hand, he is quite the lover boy. Sometimes he can't help but stare at and follow some female Pokemon, especially ones that look sort of like him. He even has a little crush on Artemis once in a while. This particular trait of his is what really annoys Lupin sometimes... along with the fact that he prefers to be diurnal. (Though the latter means he can act as a watchdog while Lupin sleeps, if only he were a bit more patient.)
    History: Lupin got Rigel at a Pokemon academy in Sinnoh. However, the Pokemon he was given to practise with was a Shinx. At one point, he stole a Pokeball from the instructor's desk, and with it he caught a Growlithe the Shinx was battling at the time. Lupin didn't keep the Shinx, but he did hold onto the Growlithe.
    Other: Rigel is a bit bigger than the average Arcanine, enough that he can carry two people on his back (provided they're not too heavy) and still run relatively fast.

    Nickname: Artemis
    Species: Mightyena
    Personality: Artemis is named so because of her tendency to be a leading, almost motherly figure, and because in her free time she loves to bask in the moonlight. Sagacious and level-headed, she is the one who concerns herself with the group's well-being, paying special attention to Lupin as if he were her son. Behaving sort of like the alpha female of the group, she looks after everyone and keeps them together, and sometimes even leads them along on adventures. In all things she goes by her instincts and uses common sense, and won't let any worries or distracting thoughts get in the way of her actions. She remains serious and focused, and doesn't kid or play around--so one can call her mature in a sense. When traveling, she often ends up being a scout in an unfamiliar area, and reports any dangers back.
    History: Before Artemis was captured, she lived in a section of the woods near the Turnback Cave, with a small pack of mostly Mightyenas; she herself was a Poochyena then. The only other Poochyena in the pack was her little brother, who was blind, so she often looked after him when most of the pack was out hunting. Unfortunately, she didn't do a good enough job of it; once while the two Poochyenas were alone, a Seviper came by and attacked the blind one. She immediately howled to call the pack, but the only individual who came was a Growlithe--Rigel, to be specific, closely followed by Lupin. Rigel was able to fight the Seviper off, but by that time, the blind Poochyena had already died of poisoning. Artemis was saddened by this, but as a thanks to Lupin and Rigel, she challenged them to a battle, which ended in her being captured.
    Other: Artemis has very good night vision, and has a knack for seeing things that usually go unnoticed. She's also a pretty good swimmer, oddly enough.
     
  11. DucksGoMooful

    DucksGoMooful Evergreen tail?

    Is it still alright to post here?
    Name: Aaron Kodora

    Age: 19

    Gender: Male

    Appearance:
    Aaron is 5 feet, 11 inches tall, and has slightly tanned skin from all the time he spent outdoors as a child. His eyes are the color of a Clamperl’s shell, and his hair is long and brown, tied back in a ponytail that trails just over his shoulders. He always wears a black bandanna over his forehead to keep his hair back. The bandanna has a silver silhouette of a Poké-ball. Usually seen in regular black sunglasses, nothing special about them. He stays in fit condition by riding Flik to Mt. Mortar and hiking there with his Pokémon.

    Personality:
    Aaron firmly believes in the stories of the legendary Pokémon, and is constantly reading about them at the library in Olivine. Aaron doesn’t really enjoy the company of other people, preferring to spend time with his Pokémon. However, if he spots someone in need of help, he will always try and help them. He is always willing to help someone in need, at the cost of his personal safety. When around other people, he shifts to a slightly depressed mood, as if he would rather be doing something else.

    History:
    Originally born and raised in the Hoenn region, in the town of Fallarbor, he moved to Johto when he was 18, alone. His childhood was just like any other child living in that town. His father was a miner, like most fathers, and his mother was a nurse working in the local Pokémon Center. When Aaron turned 6, his dad caught him an Aron. The two immediately became close friends, sharing many adventures in the mountains.

    Pokémon:

    Lairon (Lonny): See History for details. Lonny was Aaron’s first Pokémon, standing at 3’10”. He has a small scar on his head plate from when he headbutted a wild Geodude (which he later caught, and is now Giga).

    Doduo (Flik): Aaron first caught Flik when his parents took him travelling around Hoenn at age 8. He begged his dad to let him go into the Safari Zone, where he caught Flik as well as a Heracross. They are fairly close; not as much as Lonny, but more so than Giga. Flik is eager to evolve into a Dodrio.

    Heracross (Bugsly): Aaron caught Bugsly in the Safari Zone in Hoenn along with Doduo. A bit of a trickster, Bugsly enjoys buzzing around people and annoying them. She and Flik are close like siblings, always helping each other, but fighting too.

    Graveller (Giga): Aaron met Giga as a Geodude when he first moved to Johto. He captured him on sight and soon evolved him. They don’t have as close of a bond as Aaron’s other Pokémon, but he’s proven himself when Aaron had to help a hiker trapped in a rock slide. He has a small dent in his side from where Lonny headbutted him.

    Aside from the shortness of History (which I will be lengthening), is this a good sign-up?
     
  12. Kiruria

    Kiruria La Melancolie Noir

    Okay, even though no one has reviewed me yet, I might as well review your signup, ducksgomooful.

    --Appearance--

    I like it so far. You do a pretty good job of describing things, and I like how you said "the color of a Clamperl's shell"--but keep in mind that you will have to change that phrase if you ever sign Aaron up in a non-Pokemon RPG. But some of your descriptions are confusing or redundant. Unless you mean that the ponytail rests in front of his shoulder, you're looking for something more like "trails just past his shoulders" rather than "trails just over his shoulders". Also, this:

    This is not only a fragment, but you really don't need to say "nothing special about them" when the sunglasses are already described as "regular".

    Also, is Aaron naked or what? You need to add another paragraph to the Appearance field describing what he wears.

    --Personality--

    *yawn* I've seen this type of personality many times before, described in a very similar way. Details are your friend when it comes to a signup, as they are often what makes a character sound more interesting. You mentioned how Aaron is interested in reading about the legendary Pokemon, but how does that manifest in his behaviour or what his morals and ideals are? You mentioned how he doesn't really like to be around people, but how does he act when he is around them? What are his opinions on Pokemon? You can also try giving him some personality quirks, such as things he likes and dislikes (just don't make it a list), and can also put in some of his skills and weaknesses (if there isn't a separate area of the sign-up form to put that in).

    The bottom line is that the Personality is very vague. If someone needs to interact with your character, that person needs to have a good sense of how your character might act in the situation, so Personality is quite possibly the most important field of a signup.

    --History--

    Again, giving details will make this section sound way less boring than it is now. You might want to think about what goals Aaron had, and any conflicts he might have gotten into in accomplishing that goal. Right now I have no idea what motivates Aaron to act the way he does--and it is often the History that reveals such information. A well-written History makes the reader think "Oh, so that's how he got to be that way!" at several points. It can also exemplify the kind of skills he has. My best tip for History is just to think more about your character, and parts of a possible history might come to you in the meantime.

    Oh and also, keep in mind that most fathers are NOT miners, except maybe in some place like Oreburgh City (which actually has a large mining site). You might say, "like most fathers living in that area".

    And lastly, in Pokemon RPG's especially, it's very easy to play a Gary Stu in this area, which in this case means having your character do Ash Ketchum-like things such as earning all badges in so-and-so region, beating the Elite Four, and making to the top of the Pokemon League. I've seen many histories like this before, and it's very cliche. Just keep that in mind when adding more to your History.

    --Pokemon--

    This part looks pretty good. Pokemon descriptions are usually brief because the Pokemon are considered minor characters, and you did a good job of describing how Aaron obtained them. Just keep in mind that in future RPG's, a GM might require a "miniature signup" for each Pokemon, which usually includes separate Personality and History fields. Some require an Appearance field as well, which is odd considering we're all expected to know what each Pokemon generally looks like. But if there is one, just include any variations on the appearance (smaller than usual, different fur colour, etc.), or say "looks like a normal (Pokemon name)".

    --Overall Rating--

    Aaron has a very appropriate last name. You see a lot of that in fiction, so kudos to you.

    Your signup is well-organised and easy to read, and you have pretty good grammar as well. Just work on giving more to your characters, to make them seem more interesting. A signup is sort of like an advertisement for a character as well as an application for a job, so it has to look convincing!

    Still, your signup is pretty decent, and I can see it being accepted by some GM's. In order to please the ones that seem more advanced and/or experienced, though, you still have a ways to go. And chances are it will just take time to get there (that's the way it was with me, anyway--four years ago my signups looked a lot more noobish than they do now).
     
  13. VS

    VS ♡.♡

    entry for The Earth is Collapsing Character name: Ian

    nicknames: E

    age 10

    Details: Tall Glasses Chubby Smart not based on me Thick Dirty Blonde Hair always running away from Ghost type pokemon and Beedrills

    History: Ounce Ian found his friends he felt strong his parents are dead the good team leader is a father figure to him. He is very upset that his girlfriend has left him because of his love of his two pokemon Abomasnow and Aagron because he spent more time healing there wounds then talking to her. He intends to catch more pokemon and raise them to the highest strength. When the team first found him he was crying in a corner

    Pokemon signups:
    Aagron: An Aagron that Ian found with His shiny Abommosnow It's level 65 and loves to be around his trainer and his friends loves to watch movies that are musicals with Ian. strangley Aagron can talk he is a male and jolly
    Moves: Iron Tail steel claw bite and takedown
    abality Sturdy

    Abomosnow: A shiny Abomasnow found by Ian with Aagron It's level 89 and loves Ian so mutch he tears him down to hug (found as level 1 Snover) Abomosnow is a male who doesent go in his pokeball he and Aagron are best friends. Like Aagron, Abomasnow can talk
    Moves: Blizzard Synthesis woodhamer and take down
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2011
  14. Ysavvryl

    Ysavvryl Pokedex Researcher

    For mariobrosvswariobros:

    I'd say this was of low quality. The most distracting part about it is lack of proper grammar and sentence structure (and I am not a Grammar Nazi, so yeah). There are no periods where there need to be periods, and even when I mentally put them in, it's full of short choppy sentences. Like here:

    Ounce Ian found his friends he felt strong his parents are dead the good team leader is a father figure to him.

    That's tricky to read through (and 'ounce' should be 'once'). Firstly, the fact that his parents are dead should come before the rest. Plus, a GM would appreciate knowing how his parents died to see if it might be a significant factor for the game. Instead of just stating that they're dead, tell why they are dead and what killed them. Even if it's just an illness that killed them.

    There should be a comma after 'friends' and a period after 'strong'. But who are his friends and why do they make him feel strong? If those friends are the characters of other players, that would be excusable as those SUs might not be up yet.

    And then there's 'The good team leader is a father figure to him.' That in itself is not bad, and would be a positive. 'the good team leader' is a bit of an awkward phrase, plus anyone reading this might not know who this 'good team leader' is. If it's an NPC the GM has already mentioned, that's okay. If the team leader belongs to another player, that could cause problems if that character is not quite so good. Explain a little about this team leader.

    As for your Details section, for this site, that would be split into Personality and Description, and would be unacceptable for both. The Description of 'Tall Glasses Chubby Smart not based on me Thick Dirty Blonde Hair' is just a shopping list of details that doesn't even bother with sentences. Plus, saying that this character is 'not based on me' isn't helpful at all. I have never met you in real life (if I have, that would be a phenomenal coincidence), so I have no clue what you are like. You could be an alien from another planet for all I know... actually, so could your character from that description.

    I recommend you read other sign-up forms that are around this site to see examples of what GMs on Serebii expect. Although the lengthy ones like Kiruria's up there are way at the other end, so you don't need to be that ambitious.
     
  15. kr9q99

    kr9q99 New Member

    These is for an RP that I am making. I just wanna see if both meet the standards.

    Human:
    Username - kr9q
    Name – Kreszentia “Krez” Sanders
    Age - 13
    Gender - Female
    Description – Krez is 5 feet tall, with dirty blond hair that reaches her waist. She always keeps it down; never up as she thinks it’s annoying. Her hair has red highlights in her hair that contrast with her deep blue eyes though she does wear lime green contacts to hide her blue eyes. She has pale white skin, almost paler than a ghost’s skin. She wears faded blue jeans with a shirt with butterflies on it. She has a red scarf around her neck that she never takes off. She wears black converse sneakers with black socks.
    Personality – Krez can be, unpredictable at times, saying random things. She will be happy one moment then crying or mad the next. She is really moody, her mood changing in the blink of an eye. But, most of the time she is happy. She has had losses in her life time, starting with her parents and ending with her best friend. Her trust is very hard to gain. If you double cross her, you’ll never wake up again.
    Weapon – Beretta 92
    Jericho 941
    Dual Dao Swords
    Urumi

    Starter Post – Kreszentia “Krez” Sanders was walking to school. When, a portal opened up. “What the-“ She started, being sucked up into the portal. She blacked out as she went in. When she woke up she was next to a large red and black egg. “What is that thing?” She asked as it started to hatch. When it hatched, out popped a small red and black dinosaur creature. ” Cad é an- Ist das ein Dinosaurier?” She said.
    ((Cad é an=What the
    Ist das ein Dinosaurier?=Is that a dinosaur?))
    Other - Speaks German and Irish.

    Creature:
    Name – Kunigunde “Kuni”
    Age - 1
    Gender - Female
    Species – Kasai Rex
    Description – Kuni is a red and black dinosaur like creature. Right now, she is only 1 foot tall but, can grow to 30 feet tall when she is an adult. She has rough skin and yellow eyes with a tuff of black hair growing on the top of her head.
    Personality – Kuni is scared of mostly everyone besides Krez. When Krez is in danger, Kuni’s caring and most dangerous side emerges. She will snap and growl at the one who is causing the danger, most likely injuring the person as well. Just like Krez, Kuni is moody.

    Human:
    Username – kr9q
    Name - Kyung-Soon
    Age - 18
    Gender - Female
    Description – Kyung-Soon has short, curly, golden hair and stands around 4 feet tall (she has Achondroplasia dwarfism.) She weighs more than 100 pounds. She usually has a black and white short-sleeved shirt on with Capri’s. She has sneakers on as well. Her eyes are green but, she usually wears blue contacts. She has the German flag (new one of course) tattooed on her right arm and the Irish flag tattooed on her left arm. She has the South Korean flag tattooed on one of her legs. She has leg braces on both legs, making it hard for her to walk.
    Personality – Eager, clumsy, shy, and brave. Those are just a few words that describe Kyung-Soon. She loves to talk. She talks a lot. She cries when someone physically or mentally hurts her. She will also cry when someone is mad. No one knows why though. Finally, she will cry in really stressful or depressing situations. But, through thick and thin she is a really caring teenager.
    Weapon - Beretta 92
    Jericho 941
    Starter Post – ”Annyeong eomma. Ani, nan jib-e iss-euni gakkaun anieyo. Nan yeojeonhi beoseue gadhyeoss-eoyo! Igeon nae geuman haeyo. Annyeong.“ Kyung-Soon said to her mother on the phone. “Oh. It’s my stop. Better get off.” She got getting on the bus. On the last step, she fell into a portal, going out like a light as she did. When she landed, she woke up. Next to her, was a small boar on its hind legs. She screamed.

    ((Annyeong eomma. Ani, nan jib-e iss-euni gakkaun anieyo. Nan yeojeonhi beoseue gadhyeoss-eoyo! Igeon nae geuman haeyo. Annyeong.= Hi mom. No, I'm not even CLOSE to being home. I'M STILL STUCK ON THE BUS! It's my stop. Bye.))
    Other - Speaks Korean and Greek.

    Creature:
    Name - Kyung
    Age – 5
    Gender - Female
    Species – Cafre
    Description – Kyung is a boar that walks on her hind legs like a person. She has jet black fur and lilac eyes. Her horns are tipped red and her hooves are yellow. Kyung has a tuff of red fur on her head and has a tail with a green tip.
    Personality – Kyung is the exact opposite of Kyung-Soon with some exceptions, she is still brave, taking on opponents twice her size. She will protect Kyung-Soon with her life. Most of the time, Kyung either scares people or keeps quiet.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2011
  16. Sapphirewave

    Sapphirewave Master of Memories

    I’m planning to join an RPG sooner or later and could use some feedback to see what I can improve on. Judging by the level of activity on this topic I don’t know if I’ll get any feedback, but I guess it is worth a try.

    Name: Hydric Aeon (Deric Haydon)
    Age: 19
    Gender: Male

    Appearance: Hydric has flat black hair that nearly goes down to his shoulders, and his brown eyes almost always appear calm regardless of any event. Around his neck is a sky blue scarf that is made out of silk and has an image of a Moon Ball on the end. As well, he commonly uses the scarf to cover the lower half of his face leaving little of his pail skill visible. Hydric is slightly taller than most people, but he is not tall enough for this to be noticeable. Hydric also has a long sleeve shirt that matched his scarf and a black vest with 10 pockets that he uses to carry his Pokémon and a few random items including a flute that he plays on occasion. The black pants he has on are slightly cut at the bottom revealing a pair of turquoise socks. His shoes are made out of black leather with a neon blue sole.

    Bio: Hydric Aeon’s real name is actually Deric Haydon, but he prefers Hydric. He lived in Canalave city for most of his life spending his free time in the library scudded from the world around him. Even at an early age Deric had trouble trusting others, even his own parents, and to make things worse most people he grew to trust ended up betraying him in the end. This fueled his desire to become as independent as possible and moved away from home the first chance he got. From there Deric Haydon renamed himself Hydric Aeon and never regretted leaving home.

    Personality: Trust and friendship are the two words Hydric hates the most. Because of all the friendships he ever had ended in betrayal, Hydric is unable to trust anyone out of fear of another betrayal. He can be cold at times and will try his best to hide any sings that he might care about other people. Hydric’s trust is difficult to get, but once someone has it, Hydric will willingly follow him/her to the gates of… well a place with a lot of fire and bad stuff. Despite having no trust in other people, Hydric has a strong moral code and can be trusted even by his enemies.

    Pokémon:
    Crawdaunt
    LV 38
    Male
    Protect, Vicegrip, Metal Claw, Leer
    Personality: Bold and foolish

    Drifloon
    LV 20
    Female
    Gust, Constrict, Disable, Haze
    Personality: Shy and timid
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  17. Ysavvryl

    Ysavvryl Pokedex Researcher

    *pops into thread*

    @kr9q99: Still here?

    For krez: Description is okay; a plus in that it is objective and not subjective. But the Personality section is skimpy. I've seen that kind of bipolar personality quite a bit. If I were a GM, I'd want to see a better motive behind her personality. What are her goals? What does she want, or does not want? I'd be leery of this character, because 'being moody' is often a warning flag that the player may not be able to keep a consistent personality. Especially when it's wildly moody. What does she like? It's easy to tell what she doesn't like. And a problem that happens a lot is that you have a distrusting character who who may stay away from people; how are you going to integrate Krez into a group setting?

    And unless the game has to do with computer games, using your username for the player's username, or something close, is a very slight negative. Not enough to get a rejection, just personal tastes.

    The creature sign-up is acceptable, that is, provided those involved in the game knew what it was (I don't, but no need to explain). Weapon sign-up... I'd rather see a description along with the pictures. That shows me that a player won't shy away from descriptive writing.

    For Kyung- I find the height to weight ratio interesting... besides that, if you're going to describe a character's personality in four words, I'd rather see each of those four words expanded on. Hardly anything of her personality section shows bravery. In fact, she reads as an overly-sensitive talkative girl who cries at anything; that is too shallow. And the situations you describe her as crying at sound perfectly normal to me, except for the 'when someone else is mad' (but I have seen that in really sensitive people, so it's still believable).

    I'd want to see more expanded on both girls' personality, weapons, and motives. And those starter posts are much too short for Serebii.


    @Sapphirewave: I keep meaning to post more in this thread, but I either get too busy or nobody posts... anyhow...

    This needs some typo-fixing, stuff that that a spell-checker might miss like 'little of his pail skill', 'scudded from the world around him', and 'to hide any sings'. Always read over SUs to catch such things. Appearance is fine by my standards. Bio/History is fine if the GM doesn't require a lengthy entry (but this does make for a good generic SU to add specific game info on).

    Personality needs to be expanded. It meets the Serebii minimum, but a number of GMs prefer more in-depth personalities. Again, he has the problem of being a loner and untrusting when an RPG will have situations with multiple characters in a scene. I'd want to see his motives, goals, and preferences added. Also, if he distrusted even his parents, how did he get to have a strong moral code? That's something I'd definitely ask, preferably explained in History/Bio. And it would be nice to see what made him so distrusting in History. People rarely go that far in distrust without reason.

    The Pokemon SUs would be unacceptable in my games; I prefer having Pokemon with fleshed out personalities, even if they are animal-istic. But some GMs would be okay with that.

    This would get you a spot reserved in a game I ran, but I'd want fixes done before fully accepting it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  18. ophren115

    ophren115 New Member

    any pokemon rpg/adventure signup sheet

    Name:Xalex (Z-alex) Phaylorun (fay-low-run) Nick name Phaze
    Age:(unknown) Although he looks to be about 20
    Gender:Male
    Description:He is 6'4" with long silvery white hair that goes down to about his thighs and covers both his ears, most is pushed back with some hanging over his right sholder, thin looking face with dark red eyes, thin eyebrows and long eyelashes pale skin and a scar on his left cheek right above his jaw line about 3" long heading twords his left ear, he normaly wears a crude smirk on his lips and casually shows a smile now and then and a small chuckle, he also has a roughly small and thin jaw line almost pointed at the end. As I I have pale skin roughly normal sized muscle but not alot, still looking tough while whereing a long dark black punk gothic trench coat, (underneath) is a black outfit with shirt long pants and a pokeball pouch and belt (for holding mass amounts of poke balls but keeping them hidden from sight, my shoes are tight black boots with a thick sole and black and silver buckles acros them.
    Personality:My personality Is mainly rude and silent, people make me sick and i will only go to them for missions and or information, otherwise ill keep my thoughts to myself, I am one man group of myself I dont tend to be around people I know if there were any... and anybody that gets in my way... well easiest way to say this is they dont get in my way, im constently vigalent always watching my surroundings and allways listening, I dont pay atention to peoples personal life stories cause I dont want to hear them, Im very open minded and it takes a lot to get me stured up but if im angry theres nothing left of you, emotion is a weakness of ours I throw it away so its not a distraction,
    History:up until 10 years ago his histery is a mystery to him, he started to work for team rocket pulling off small theft jobs at first but then moveing up to bigger ones, and even fineshing ones other rocket members faild to acomplish, he became a very trusted and a very unknown member of team rocket up to this day.
    Other Deep voice with a sort of grawl to it.

    Pokemon name:psylor
    pokemon species:psyther is a scyther mewtwo DNA cross bread
    pokemon personality:mimics that of xalex

    (please do not copy edit or make this post your own in any way)
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2012
  19. Billy Mays

    Billy Mays Ace Advertiser

    Might as well do this, it'd help when I look over sign ups of my own RPs in the future.

    @ophren113 - First, is there a reason his age is unknown? You state that up until 10 years ago his history is a mystery to him. Why is it a mystery? You need to give a reason as to why he doesn't even know his past, or at the very least mention what happened AFTER he lost his memory. Did he wake up in a hospital with no memory? Did he just wake up one day and not remember who he is? You can't just say that he doesn't know; people don't just FORGET most of their life, unless they have amnesia or Alzheimers (not sure if I spelled that right).

    The way it's formatted makes it hard to read. When reading I'd sometimes accidently skip a line or reread a line. You should leave space inbetween different things like Description and History, or at least with the bigger ones.

    Kinda odd that you do personality in first person, history in third, and description as both first AND third person. Generally for sign ups you'd do it strictly in third person, so try to use "he/she" or "his/hers" or your character's name, instead of "I" or "my".

    You state that he is emotionless and he thinks emotion is a weakness, and yet he also apparently rude, open minded, and if agrivated can get mad. You should give some reason to all of his emotions, and try to make sure they don't conflict. It's like how you shouldn't make a character who you claim is optimistic and yet you only talk about how they are always depressed and upset.

    I just have to say: I really don't think Psylor would EVER work in a RP. A cross breed just wouldn't be possible, unless the RP was specifcally about DNA spliced Pokemon. And even then, I don't think you'd be allowed to use legendaries, so you probably wouldn't be able to use Mewtwo. As for RPs that require Pokemon to have personalities of their own, Psylor's is WAY too short. Even if his personality really is essentially Xalex's, you'd need to be a bit more descriptive about it. Maybe mention that Psylor looks up to Xalex and copies his actions because of his respect for him? Maybe Psylor just has the same personality merely by coincidence?

    Furthermore, why does Xalex have Psylor anyway? Psylor sounds like the kind of thing that wouldn't just end up in some random person's hands; after all, you can't just find Scyther x Mewtwo crossbreeds in the wild. Based on the history, Xalex is merely a Team Rocket grunt. A one that's good at his job, but a Grunt nonetheless. If he stole Psylor from a lab or something, that would make more sense, but you don't actually explain why he'd have Psylor, which considering what Psylor is, it'd be kind of nessesary to explain that.

    Personality and History are a bit short, and there's a few grammar mistakes (but not enough to be too much of a problem), but otherwise I think that's it. Hope that I was helpful.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2012
  20. ophren115

    ophren115 New Member

    thanks for the feed back yeah i sort of just posted what came out i did it last night and didnt look back over it, yeah i do use alot of different me/him/I lol i dont mean to though.

    i had a few things i would have made his past, one was his father was one of the mewtwo sientists and they were doing cross breeds with the mewtwo dna, after mewtwo got loos he killed Xalexs father, the psyther saved him from the lab and after that he chose to forget what happend and everything about his father and psyther became his own, and then found his way into team rocket as his way of chooseing to live, ((but would leave rocket and go against there way for hurting "someone" he was attached to, yeah i know he says feelings are a weekness but ways of thinking can change))

    ill see what i can do as fixing this up and post it again :D or edit my old one?

    oh and the reason I used mewtwo is cause his DNA was allready avalibal, and i could not think of anyway to make a syther psychic mix... any ideas on what other pokemon i could use or how i could do that?
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2012
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