Silver: Second Best

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

~Note: It's a working title, so if you have any ideas for it, post them~

Hey everyone. It's me, FPM, here with my very first fanfic on SPPf. This fanfic will be mainly focused on Silver's journey across Johto, although one in a while (like in the prologue) I might shift the focus to Gold, because their journeys intertwine. I would love good feedback, as this is my first time doing this, so anything you can offer, I will look at. This fanfic is rated PG-13, mostly for mild swearing.

Chapter List
Prologue- The Start of A New Journey
Chapter 1- Exit Stage Top!
Chapter 2- The Rivalry Begins​

Anyway, without anymore delays, here is my prologue:

~-------------------------------------~
Prologue- The Start of A New Journey
~-------------------------------------~​

New Bark Town, Johto. A place that holds the hopes and dreams of little boys and girls across the Johto region. It is home of the famous Professor Elm, a pokemon researcher who specializes in pokemon breeding. Professor Elm runs his research projects out of Elm’s Research Laboratories, along with his assistant, Greg. Elm’s lab is the first step in most young trainer’s pokemon journeys.

This was no different for the young, red-haired kid that had just entered the town. His name was Silver, and he was here to get himself a pokemon, although he didn’t plan on being put on a waiting list like the rest of the trainers that came through this town.

_______________________

“It looks as if its going to be another comfortable day in the Johto region today, with temperatures reaching a high of 74 degrees, and a sunny sky to go along with it. Back to you, Tom.”

“Thanks Jim, and now we have a real gem for all you listener’s out there. Here’s Rise Against with ‘Give It All.’”

Just as the song started to play, a hand appeared and hit the snooze button. The clock was silenced, and the hand retreated back into the covers on the bed.

The covers were then pushed to the wall side of the bed, and a kid with black hair and black eyes appeared from underneath. He was wearing a black shirt, and red boxers, his normal sleepwear. As he pulled himself up and out of bed he glanced at the clock.

“7:30!” he said. “Crap, I’m late!”

The boy rushed with super-human speed into the bathroom. He turned on the shower, and started to get undressed. Just as he was about to get into the shower, the bathroom door opened.

“Gold, are you in here?” the boy’s mother asked.

Gold quickly grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his waist just before his mother came into view.

“MOM!! Boundaries!”

“Relax. It’s not like you have anything I haven’t seen before. Who do you think washed you when you were a baby?”

“Ok, I’m uncomfortable enough, so why don’t we stop the small talk and you tell me what you came in for.”

“Oh, I just wanted to tell you that ‘The Pokemon Training Show’ has been canceled, so you can take your time in that shower.”

“What!?! C-C-Canceled!! NOOOOOOO!”

“Oh, stop being such a drama queen. Just take your time in the shower and wash everything well.” As Gold’s mother turned to leave, she remembered something. “Oh, and Professor Elm wants to see you sometime this morning.”

“The Professor needs ME!?!”

“Unless your name suddenly changed to Randy, yes, he needs you.” Gold’s mom walked out and shut the door behind her.

Gold hopped in the shower, washed everything like his mother had said, hopped out, and dried off. He walked over to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror.

‘Well, it seems like today might just be the day, the day I get my pokemon. I can feel it. Which one will I get? Its so exciting.’

Gold brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and walked out of the bathroom and over to his closet. He picked out the clothes he had bought special from a trainer magazine for the day he started his travels, and laid them on the bed. His attire consisted of a plain black T-shirt, a red hoody with a white hood and pouch, a pair of yellow shorts with black strips on the side, a black belt with pokeball holders, and a hat with black on front and yellow on back. The hat also had the Official Pokemon League symbol on the front. Gold had paid a small fortune for these clothes, and he had save them until this day.

He put on pair of boxers and the black shirt, over which he put the shorts and hoody. He picked up the belt and threw it around his waist, fixing it in place. He then dug into the closet and found the shoes he nought, which were red and yellow stripless shoes. He placed the hat on his head backwards, and ran into the bathroom to see how he looked. ‘Not bad,’ he thought to himself, and he walked back to his closet. After digging for a bit, Gold found the black sling backpack he had gotten with his clothes. He had packed it the day he had gotten it, and set it in the closet with the rest of his trainer accessories. Gold brought the backpack over his head, and slung it across his right shoulder. ‘Now, all I need is my pokemon.’

Gold left his room and climbed down the stairs to the living room. As he enter the room he smelled the familiar smell of scrambled eggs and toast, and sure enough, that is exactly what was waiting for him on his plate when he sat down. As Gold stuffed his face, his mother seemed to be lost in thought.

“Everything OK Mom?” Gold asked in-between bites.

“Well, its just that…GOLD!! Eat like a human.”

Gold shallow the massive amount of eggs he had in his mouth. “So, what’s up?” Gold asked before shoving more eggs into his monuth.

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking about things. Oh, I almost forgot. Your Pokegear came back from the repair shop this morning.”

Gold’s mom reach into her pockets and fished out a watch-like device known as the Pokegear, a gift Gold had gotten from Professor Elm for running a couple of errands, and handed it to Gold. This Pokegear could work as a watch, a map, a radio, and other things with the right applications.

“Oh yeah, I had forgotten all about this thing.” Gold took a break from the food and strapped the Pokegear to has wrist. He saw that the clock had been reset. “Hey Mom, do you know want time it is?”

Gold’s mother looked on her own wrist watch. “It 8:15am.”

“8:15 already!?! I need to get going.” Gold got up from his chair, almost knocking it down as he did, and rushed towards the door well setting his watch.

“But you have all morning. Do you have to go so early?”

“Best to get it done and over with, right?”

“OK. Be carefully sweetheart.”

“I will mom. See ya.” Gold ran out the door, barely remembering to shut it behind him.

‘I sure am going to miss him when he goes off on his journey.’ Gold’s mother thought after Gold had left.

________________________

Gold flew down the street and was soon at Professor Elm’s lab. “Well, I guess there is no turning back now. First pokemon, here I come,” Gold said, and with that he entered the lab, not noticing the red-haired boy watching him from the side of the building.

‘Werido,’ Silver thought to himself, and he returned to the window he had been looking through moments before. ‘It looks like that old man has three pokemon in there. Good, the more for me to grab.’ With that, Silver left the window and began looking for a way to climb up to the air duct at the back of the lab.

 

[Diddy]

It's not bad.

Although I have to admit, you had me going with the "I'm late" thing. I sure was glad it was a TV show he was late for. If it wasn't you might just have gotten a tongue lashing.

One thing though. I highly doubt a National Radio Station would play Rise Against. I doubt Rise Against even care about their air time. They strike me as a band that are against the whole chart thing.

Anyway.


The beginning was faithful to the game, with obvious creative license (waking up, showering, breakfast etc) and none of it was over done or over stated. Quite rightly to, they are pretty unimportant aspects in these kind of stories so are best left mostly unmentioned.

Silver's part was fine as well, he doesn't really do anything at the start, so his limited screen time fits.

One more thing though, Gold says that he'd been saving that outfit for the time he becomes a trainer. He get's asked to do run an errand for Prof Elm, which after the Pokégear bit we find out he must do quite often, so why is it this time he believes he's getting a pokémon and leaving to go on a journey? Shouldn't it just be "another errand" *sigh* rather than "yup, definitely pokétime!"

At least his mother has some semblence of character which (because of her role as a very minor character) people think they can get away with. And she actually will miss him, rather than just saying "great! Leave so I can get some peace and quiet will ya!"

Obviously, it's only a prologue so it's very 'bare bones' hopefully this'll improve as the plot progresses. Make sure you're not skimping on your description which this seemed to be lacking in. Neither gold (other than his outfit) or his mother are truly described and neither is his house, any of the rooms, his bedroom, the town. Nothing really. Make sure we can get a better image than the pixelated one we get of the game over world 'kay xD

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

Yea, first review. Thanks for check things out. Now for my responses.

It's not bad.

Although I have to admit, you had me going with the "I'm late" thing. I sure was glad it was a TV show he was late for. If it wasn't you might just have gotten a tongue lashing.

Gotta keep it humorous. I was never too good at writing serouiously for too long.

One thing though. I highly doubt a National Radio Station would play Rise Against. I doubt Rise Against even care about their air time. They strike me as a band that are against the whole chart thing.

I know, but I just picked the song that was playing on my mp3 at the time.

The beginning was faithful to the game, with obvious creative license (waking up, showering, breakfast etc) and none of it was over done or over stated. Quite rightly to, they are pretty unimportant aspects in these kind of stories so are best left mostly unmentioned.

Thanks. I thought I might have overdid it a little bit.

One more thing though, Gold says that he'd been saving that outfit for the time he becomes a trainer. He get's asked to do run an errand for Prof Elm, which after the Pokégear bit we find out he must do quite often, so why is it this time he believes he's getting a pokémon and leaving to go on a journey? Shouldn't it just be "another errand" *sigh* rather than "yup, definitely pokétime!"

I did plan on adding a reason for that, but I guess I forgot to. I was thinking something like a waiting period for pokemon (because every needs a pokemon) or something like his 10th birthday wasn't too long ago.

At least his mother has some semblence of character which (because of her role as a very minor character) people think they can get away with. And she actually will miss him, rather than just saying "great! Leave so I can get some peace and quiet will ya!"

Yeah, I like too develop minor characters in my story, because it like a wild card. You can do whatever you want.

Obviously, it's only a prologue so it's very 'bare bones' hopefully this'll improve as the plot progresses. Make sure you're not skimping on your description which this seemed to be lacking in. Neither gold (other than his outfit) or his mother are truly described and neither is his house, any of the rooms, his bedroom, the town. Nothing really. Make sure we can get a better image than the pixelated one we get of the game over world 'kay xD

Yeah, I was just thinking about that today. I'll try and be more descriptive in future chapters.


Again, thanks for the review. I'll definitely try and but them into play next chapter.

 

[Naughty Pichu]

Hmmmm . . . . . Not bad!

I didn't see any spelling or grammar problems, which is good. It's almost impossible for me to read a fic with awful grammar.

“Oh, I just wanted to tell you that ‘The Pokemon Training Show’ has been canceled, so you can take your time in that shower.”

“What!?! C-C-Canceled!! NOOOOOOO!”

I must admit, I didn't see that coming.^^

Now, about description. I, personally, don't care if people don't describe things well enough, but apparently some people do, so I must take note of the fact that you didn't describe much of anything, except for Gold's clothes. (Wow, that was a long sentence!)

So, I think that's about everything I have to say. You have anything, Scramifax?

No, not really.

Bye, then. Bye!

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

Hmmmm . . . . . Not bad!

I didn't see any spelling or grammar problems, which is good. It's almost impossible for me to read a fic with awful grammar.



I must admit, I didn't see that coming.^^

Now, about description. I, personally, don't care if people don't describe things well enough, but apparently some people do, so I must take note of the fact that you didn't describe much of anything, except for Gold's clothes. (Wow, that was a long sentence!)

So, I think that's about everything I have to say. You have anything, Scramifax?

No, not really.

Bye, then. Bye!

Thanks for taking to time to read my fic and write a review. I am going to try and work on my descriptions. Hopefully you'll stay tuned for future chapters.


As a side note to all:
I hope to make this a fic I update on weekends, but this weekend I have three projects due on Monday so I might not get to it. Although, if I don't, I do have a four-day weekend next week, so I'll more than likely write more than one chapter.

Thats all. I smell ya guys later.

 

[lugia*master]

It was, undoubtedly, one of the greatest starts to a Johto fic I've read in quite a time! Kudos to you for choosing Johto, my all-time favourite region. And the detail that you put in was excellent, it was not only satisfying and descriptive, but it wasn't too much that it began to sound and look rushed. I'm quite looking forward to the next chapter, it's one of the first fics to catch my eye in a long while

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

It was, undoubtedly, one of the greatest starts to a Johto fic I've read in quite a time! Kudos to you for choosing Johto, my all-time favourite region. And the detail that you put in was excellent, it was not only satisfying and descriptive, but it wasn't too much that it began to sound and look rushed. I'm quite looking forward to the next chapter, it's one of the first fics to catch my eye in a long while

Really? Jezz, thanks. I'm honored. I guess I'm a better writer than I thought. ^.^ Anyway, thanks for the compliments, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the fic.

 

[lugia*master]

I'm sure I will ^^ Any fan of Johto is a friend of mine

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but school has me swamped. Anyway, this might not be as good as the last one because I did it fairly quick, but i hope its good enough.

~--------------------------~
Chapter 1- Exit Stage Top!
~--------------------------~​

It was a beautiful day in the Johto region. The sun shined, the temperatures ran high, and the sea breeze came off the southern sea. It was just one of those near perfect days, especially for the residents of New Bark Town.

New Bark Town is a small, friendly town. It is a town of no more than ten residents and three houses. Surrounded by a thick forest to the north, and sea to the south and west, it only visitors come from the east, although trainers from the Kanto region have been known to come from the west sea on the backs of their pokemon.

The town’s major attraction to trainers around the world is the famed Elm Research Lab in the north of the town. Although it is undoubtedly the smallest research facility in the world, Professor Elm and his aside make many discoveries in the field of pokemon breeding. Silver was now searching this small town for something to help him break into that famed lab and steal the pokemon that lay inside.

After searching for at least half a hour Silver caught a break. He found a unlocked storage shed by a house in the south-eastern corner of town. Inside, after digging through piles of manila folders, he found a old ladder. Silver grabbed this wooden ladder, which looked like it was on its last leg, and ran to the lab.

Silver was planning on sneaking into the lab through the air ducts, and luckily there was an entrance to the system in the back of the lab. As Silver placed the ladder against the side of the building, he noticed a boy run out of town towards the eastward route.

‘That is the same kid I saw before,’ Silver thought to himself. Just as Silver was about to get back to the job at hand, he saw something on the kid’s belt. ‘A pokeball?! I didn’t see that before. That little punk must have gotten a pokemon from the lab. He taking my pokemon before I can steal them. Whatever. He only has one, and I’ll have the rest. I can get the pokemon from that kid later.’

Silver reached the grate covering the air duct and pulled a screwdriver out of his jean pocket. He got to work, and soon there was a small “clang” as the grate hit the soft grass. ‘Wow, you would think a pokemon lab would have more security than this.’ Silver pulled himself up and into the air duct and began to crawl through the system.

After running into more than one dead end and getting trapped in numerous spider webs, Silver climbed out of the ducts and onto a table inside the lab. ‘Jezz, I’ve seen garbage dumps cleaner than that duct.’ Silver brushed himself off, jumped down from the table, and took a quick look around.

‘So, this is the famed Elm Research Lab. It kind of dull. I mean, the majority of this place is gray, and the only place with some color are the bookshelves. Oh well, its not like I care. Now, where is my prize?’ Silver looked around and soon found a table with two pokeballs on it. Walking over to the table, he was completely unaware of the person watching him from the shadows. After Silver got to the table, the man spoke up.

“Those pokemon don’t belong to you, sunny boy,” Professor Elm remarked as he stepped out of the shadows.

Silver jumped and turned around to face the professor. “No duh, you idiot. Why do you think I’m stealing them? “

“I don’t think you are.”

“Oh, is that a threat? Who’s going to stop me? All I see is little old you.”

“You’re forgetting one thing, kid. This is my lab, filled with hundreds of pokemon that obey my every command. Do you really think you can handle all of them by yourself?”

Silver eyes widened and his face turned pale as he took in the professor’s words. He realized that there was no way he could get out of there if the pokemon where released. He only had one option.

“Well professor, I do seem to be in a bind.” Silver remarked. “I do, however, have one thing on my side.”

“Oh, and want is that?”

“My speed!” And just like that, Silver scooped up the pokeball he was standing by, and ran towards the door. The professor quickly picked a pokeball from the desk he was by and threw it between Silver and the door. The ball opened to reveal a Forretress.

Silver slid to a halt and quickly ran off in the opposite direction as Forretress came after him. Silver soon came across the bookshelves he had seen earlier, and noticed the piles of books leading to the top of the selves like a set of stairs. ‘Well, I don’t have any better ideas.’ So he started up the book staircase as Forretress came rushing towards him.

After reaching the top, Silver looked around to see Forretress, barely 10 yards from the bookcase, and gaining speed. ‘That crazed pokemon is going to ram into the bookcase. I can’t just still here like a stone statue!’ So Silver put the pokeball he had been carrying in his pocket, and just as a load “THUD!!” rang through the lab, Silver grabbed onto a pipe hanging from the ceiling.

“HA, you stupid pokemon. I’m up here.” Just then Silver heard a “Crack!” come from above him. He looked up to see that this pipe was not going to last long. Silver panicked and began to look for some way to escape this hell-hole of a lab, and soon he had spotted it.

“You can’t stay up there all day, son,” the professor said. “You’ll fall soon enough.”

“That’s what you think,” Silver replied as he swung back and forth. Professor Elm saw Silver doing this, and wondered exactly why he was doing it. He looked in front of the boy, and much to his dismay, there was a glass window.

Almost as soon as the professor spotted it, the window was shattered into hundreds of pieces as Silver went flying through it. The professor ran outside to see what happened to the boy, but by the time he had gotten around to the back of the lab, the boy had disappeared.

Silver ran through the forest, trying to get as far away from the lab as possible. ‘That professor is crazy.’ He collapsed from the pain he had from jumping out of the lab, and laid on the ground for some time.

After Silver had recovered somewhat, he sat up and brought the pokeball he had stolen out of his pocket. ‘Well, at least I got you. I wonder what kind of pokemon you are?’ Silver threw the ball, and a flash of red light revealed a Totodile.

“You’re a weird looking pokemon. I was hoping for something with a little more…you know…pow! You’re a little on the small side.” After hearing this insult, the Totodile proceeded to go up to a tree and clamp his teeth down hard on the bark of the tree.

“Wow, you have quite a bite. I guess it makes up for you being so small. Anyway, we better get going. Return.” Silver called back his pokemon, got up, brushed himself off, and started walking off towards the east.

 

[SilentMemento]

Here's my critique:

'“It looks as if its going to be another comfortable day in the Johto region today'

You need an apostrophe in 'it's', since the sentence you're trying to describe means 'it is.'

'“Thanks Jim, and now we have a real gem for all you listener’s out there. Here’s Rise Against with ‘Give It All.’”'

There's a comma after 'thanks' and no apostrophe in 'listeners.'

'‘Well, it seems like today might just be the day, the day I get my pokemon. I can feel it. Which one will I get? Its so exciting.’'

Pokemon is supposed to be capitalized.

'His attire consisted of a plain black T-shirt, a red hoody with a white hood and pouch, a pair of yellow shorts with black strips on the side, a black belt with pokeball holders, and a hat with black on front and yellow on back.'

Pokeball is also supposed to be capitalized.

'‘Now, all I need is my pokemon.’'

Again, Pokemon is supposed to be capitalized.

'“OK. Be carefully sweetheart.”'

This is just a typo, but the word is 'careful.' You also need a comma after that same word.

'“I will mom. See ya.”'

You need a comma after 'will.'

I'd review more, but I'm notoriously lazy. Nevertheless, you did a good job.

 

[Yami Ryu]

It was a beautiful day in the Johto region. The sun shined, the temperatures ran high, and the sea breeze came off the southern sea. It was just one of those near perfect days, especially for the residents of New Bark Town.

New Bark Town is a small, friendly town. It is a town of no more than ten residents and three houses. Surrounded by a thick forest to the north, and sea to the south and west, it only visitors come from the east, although trainers from the Kanto region have been known to come from the west sea on the backs of their pokemon.

The town’s major attraction to trainers around the world is the famed Elm Research Lab in the north of the town. Although it is undoubtedly the smallest research facility in the world, Professor Elm and his aside make many discoveries in the field of pokemon breeding. Silver was now searching this small town for something to help him break into that famed lab and steal the pokemon that lay inside.

This feels like an elaborate and very overdone setup for the story, well atleast the chapter, concerning Silver's introduction/reasons to be in the town. Which isn't really broaching the subject. You seem to be trying to paint the picture but going about it all the wrong way.

It's kinda like painting a picture of the devil but using bright neon pinks and blues to do it with. It just... doesn't make sense. I mean really look at it, you set up a cheery/cheerful setting for a town we don't give a flying crap about instead of focusing really on Silver or the victims of Silver's crimes.

After searching for at least half a hour Silver caught a break. He found a unlocked storage shed by a house in the south-eastern corner of town. Inside, after digging through piles of manila folders, he found a old ladder. Silver grabbed this wooden ladder, which looked like it was on its last leg, and ran to the lab.

I am pretty sure any ladder that can be hidden under a pile of folders would be in such a bad shape as to not be servicable or even built for the job. Because you do understand what a manila folder is right? Right?

Silver was planning on sneaking into the lab through the air ducts, and luckily there was an entrance to the system in the back of the lab. As Silver placed the ladder against the side of the building, he noticed a boy run out of town towards the eastward route.

Silver isn't even trying to be sneaky or stealthy or anything... at all?

‘That is the same kid I saw before,’ Silver thought to himself. Just as Silver was about to get back to the job at hand, he saw something on the kid’s belt. ‘A pokeball?! I didn’t see that before. That little punk must have gotten a pokemon from the lab. He taking my pokemon before I can steal them. Whatever. He only has one, and I’ll have the rest. I can get the pokemon from that kid later.’

Italics help separate thought from speech. Then there's also the fact the boy has already left the building, is running for a route, and Silver should be more focused on trying to stay hidden/sneak inside. But then you go and have him at just the right angle to spy a small sphere on the boy's belt and see it's a pokeball? Wow.

Silver reached the grate covering the air duct and pulled a screwdriver out of his jean pocket. He got to work, and soon there was a small “clang” as the grate hit the soft grass. ‘Wow, you would think a pokemon lab would have more security than this.’ Silver pulled himself up and into the air duct and began to crawl through the system.

After running into more than one dead end and getting trapped in numerous spider webs, Silver climbed out of the ducts and onto a table inside the lab. ‘Jezz, I’ve seen garbage dumps cleaner than that duct.’ Silver brushed himself off, jumped down from the table, and took a quick look around.

Mythbusters, plz. It showed you really can't climb around in an air duct, within plausible reason or rationality. Basically your version of Silver would have been making enough noise to wake up a Snorlax, and would have been traversing very slippery and possibly dangerous ducts that would/could go suddenly up and or down.

I mean you basically have a guy who is only armed with a screwdriver, invade a lab via a air duct system. No magnets, no special items, nothing.

‘So, this is the famed Elm Research Lab. It kind of dull. I mean, the majority of this place is gray, and the only place with some color are the bookshelves. Oh well, its not like I care. Now, where is my prize?’ Silver looked around and soon found a table with two pokeballs on it. Walking over to the table, he was completely unaware of the person watching him from the shadows. After Silver got to the table, the man spoke up.

This is some of the worst description I've seen for a while. You basically have Silver flat out tell us what the place looks like. Or atleast poorly tell us. You could have done something a bit better like;

Wow. I never thought something so famous would have such drab and dreary look about it. Ick, grey walls and bookshelves? Something like that lets you get into the character a bit more than just using Silver to poorly describe his surroundings.

“Those pokemon don’t belong to you, sunny boy,” Professor Elm remarked as he stepped out of the shadows.

Silver jumped and turned around to face the professor. “No duh, you idiot. Why do you think I’m stealing them? “

“I don’t think you are.”

“Oh, is that a threat? Who’s going to stop me? All I see is little old you.”

“You’re forgetting one thing, kid. This is my lab, filled with hundreds of pokemon that obey my every command. Do you really think you can handle all of them by yourself?”

Yeah cause Professor Elm really has an army of pokemon at his beck and call. I mean in the anime he's a man who I doubt would be able to think of even using a pokemon in such a way. Even Professor Oak never used such a threat before. But here you go, gallantly OOCing Professor Elm to give your character some badly introduced strife.



Overall I can't be assed to read on. I mean the description, interaction, dialogue, and just about everything in this chapter is either cliche or filled to the brim with lack luster action. You seemed to attempt to hurtle thru the chapter with little care about the fact there is supposed to be more than just words between the beginning and the end of the chapter.

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

SilentMemento-
Thanks for the heads up, and I'll fix those things when I get a chance.


Yami Ryu-
Trust me, I'm a guy that can take hard honestly, but for gosh sake you could lossen the grib a little.

This feels like an elaborate and very overdone setup for the story, well atleast the chapter, concerning Silver's introduction/reasons to be in the town. Which isn't really broaching the subject. You seem to be trying to paint the picture but going about it all the wrong way.

It's kinda like painting a picture of the devil but using bright neon pinks and blues to do it with. It just... doesn't make sense. I mean really look at it, you set up a cheery/cheerful setting for a town we don't give a flying crap about instead of focusing really on Silver or the victims of Silver's crimes.

This...is true. I looked it over again and I must have been REALLY tried when I did that chapter. Oh well.

I am pretty sure any ladder that can be hidden under a pile of folders would be in such a bad shape as to not be servicable or even built for the job. Because you do understand what a manila folder is right? Right?

You missunderstood my writing. The ladder was behind the folders, not under them. And what do you mean by that?

Silver isn't even trying to be sneaky or stealthy or anything... at all?

Its a small town, and most likey a good fraction of the resdients are down at the beach enjoying the day. I didn't think it was so nessacary to be that sneaky.

Italics help separate thought from speech. Then there's also the fact the boy has already left the building, is running for a route, and Silver should be more focused on trying to stay hidden/sneak inside. But then you go and have him at just the right angle to spy a small sphere on the boy's belt and see it's a pokeball? Wow.

Silver is climbing up the ladder right next to the side of the building. I don't know about you, but I could see if someone was running off.

Mythbusters, plz. It showed you really can't climb around in an air duct, within plausible reason or rationality. Basically your version of Silver would have been making enough noise to wake up a Snorlax, and would have been traversing very slippery and possibly dangerous ducts that would/could go suddenly up and or down.

I mean you basically have a guy who is only armed with a screwdriver, invade a lab via a air duct system. No magnets, no special items, nothing.

I have never watch Mythbusters, FYI. I mean, are you really going to fight me over that? Its the pokemon world. For all we know, the air ducts could easyly fit a Snorlax.

This is some of the worst description I've seen for a while. You basically have Silver flat out tell us what the place looks like. Or atleast poorly tell us. You could have done something a bit better like;

Wow. I never thought something so famous would have such drab and dreary look about it. Ick, grey walls and bookshelves? Something like that lets you get into the character a bit more than just using Silver to poorly describe his surroundings.

Like I've said before, I am working on my descriptions.

Yeah cause Professor Elm really has an army of pokemon at his beck and call. I mean in the anime he's a man who I doubt would be able to think of even using a pokemon in such a way. Even Professor Oak never used such a threat before. But here you go, gallantly OOCing Professor Elm to give your character some badly introduced strife.

First off, I have never seen the anime, and I wouldn't go off it if I did. THis is my fanfic, and Ithere is no outline for the way I make my charcters act. Also, you like you would act exactly the same if you where getting robbed? Wouldn't you try and stop the buggler if you had the upper hand.

Overall I can't be assed to read on. I mean the description, interaction, dialogue, and just about everything in this chapter is either cliche or filled to the brim with lack luster action. You seemed to attempt to hurtle thru the chapter with little care about the fact there is supposed to be more than just words between the beginning and the end of the chapter.

See if I care if you read on. I don't need anymore of your persona attacks on me. I have no problem with suggestion, but you just seem to like to attack people. So if you don't like it you can bug off.

 

[Eon Master]

^I'd listen to Yami, actually. I've read your story over, and I agree with at least 90% of what she said. True, she's a little harsh with her delivery, but if you read her responses throughly and try to gain useful tips, you will become much better for it.
I was the same way as you when I started posting Fanfiction here, and I also told Yami to shove off. Not listening to her advice made my fic a piece of crap, and in the end, it was never finished. If you don't want that to happen to this fic, I'd suggest you take her advice.

That's my two cents for the day.

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

^I'd listen to Yami, actually. I've read your story over, and I agree with at least 90% of what she said. True, she's a little harsh with her delivery, but if you read her responses throughly and try to gain useful tips, you will become much better for it.
I was the same way as you when I started posting Fanfiction here, and I also told Yami to shove off. Not listening to her advice made my fic a piece of crap, and in the end, it was never finished. If you don't want that to happen to this fic, I'd suggest you take her advice.

That's my two cents for the day.

I listen to all advice, as I will with hers. I just don't see a reason for the personal attacks. I am a person oh tells it like I see it, but I don't attack the person. Anyway, I am going to talk the advice.

 

[Eon Master]

^No, you do not. I'm going to show several examples of why.

I have never watch Mythbusters, FYI. I mean, are you really going to fight me over that? Its the pokemon world. For all we know, the air ducts could easyly fit a Snorlax.

This is an excuse. Fics have to be grounded and based somewhat on reality, not to mention that Pokemon itself is somewhat grounded in reality. I'm not saying you have to follow realism to the letter, but you need to have some grounding, otherwise there are no limits to how out of control the fic could get.

First off, I have never seen the anime, and I wouldn't go off it if I did. THis is my fanfic, and Ithere is no outline for the way I make my charcters act. Also, you like you would act exactly the same if you where getting robbed? Wouldn't you try and stop the buggler if you had the upper hand.

This is also somewhat an excuse, but it's more just plain disregard for what she's saying. Even if you have never watched the anime, where are you getting your characters' personalities from? If you're just making up personalities for characters who already are known to act a certain way and doing whatever the hell you want, how is that any more interesting than what a person could come up with on their own? You need to use characterization, otherwise you have just screwed your fic over. Nobody will be interested.

Trust me, I'm a guy that can take hard honestly, but for gosh sake you could lossen the grib a little.

This is just you trying to get her off your back. And that's not only rude, it's ungrateful for the advice she's given you. If you're ungrateful to your reviewers, nobody will review.

I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm laying it out so that It's blatantly obvious. If you can't take criticism in any way other than face value, you won't get anywhere. Yami may be harsh, but she's honestly trying to make you better at writing and make this fanfic something enjoyable to read. Please try to understand this.

Eon Out ;197;

 

[Yami Ryu]

See if I care if you read on. I don't need anymore of your persona attacks on me.

THAT'S RACIST!!!!!


In all seriousness tho, you completely blew my critisizim of your story out the window by trying to label it as a ****ing personal attack against yourself. So to be honest, it's more like the fact, I don't give a damn if you take my advice or not. If you're going to flounder around with weak excuses, baring Prof Elm, but even then that barely holds much water anyways, I'm not going to bother pointing out, hey, kido, your story sucks, spend more time improving it here, here and here.

Ciao.

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

THAT'S RACIST!!!!!

I have no idea oh that is anything near racist. Its just saying to be a little kinder with your reviews.

In all seriousness tho, you completely blew my critisizim of your story out the window by trying to label it as a ****ing personal attack against yourself. So to be honest, it's more like the fact, I don't give a damn if you take my advice or not. If you're going to flounder around with weak excuses, baring Prof Elm, but even then that barely holds much water anyways, I'm not going to bother pointing out, hey, kido, your story sucks, spend more time improving it here, here and here.

Ciao.

As I said before, I have looked at your review, and even if I don't act like it, I do agree with most of the things you stay. I just don't agree with the delivery. I put out that chapter in a rush, and I know it was crappy, but that does give you any right to be mean.

 

[Llama_Guy]

Actually, the racist thing was a joke (?), like, the next thing she said was "in all seriousness, tho"...

Anyway! You say yourself you rushed the chapter ("put [it] out in a rush"), and that you know it is crappy. As a little piece of advice, take your time to write a product you know you can be satisfied with, and say to yourself that, "Hey, I really loved this chapter". If you think a chapter you've written is sub-par, you shouldn't really send it out. Remember that when making a product for others to experience, take into consideration that people will be expecting it to have a lot of effort behind it. And rushing is afaik not synonymous to effort. So for the satisfaction of both you and the readers, not rushing the chapters is recommended. There isn't really a single good reason in support of backing the action of rushing your work, at least not at an amateur level ;P

And always remember that there's a lot of different people out there, who will respond in differing ways. Some are blunt, some sugarcoat things. And when you're going to share you work with others, it's your responsibility to take this fact into account, and steel yourself for it. While I do agree that Yami is a tad over the top-blunt at times, she isn't mean, and her reviews aren't persona attacks. Also, persona is wrong in this context.

 

[GalladeX]

This is a really good story!
Just those little typos, and that you need to spell "Pokemon" with a capital "P".

 

[Fire_Pokemon_Master_271]

Man, this thing is getting more attention than ever.

Llama_Guy-
Its true that I should have taken my time, but I figured because I had not updated in a month and I wanted to keep this thing alive.


GalladeX-
Thanks a lot. It nice to see people still like the story.


To All-
I am putting this Yami thing behind me and I hope all of you will do the same. I do thank her for the review, even if I think it was a little rough, and I will try to put her comments into my work. That is my final word.