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~Silver Shard: Legend of Seth~ Rated T (Teen)

J

Jillian411

Member
I do not own Pokemon. I do own my own characters including the main character (Seth).

Prologue

“Why am I like this?” sixteen year old Seth Silverstar said as he threw his backpack onto the floor of his room. “Why do I have to be the unpopular—the most…the most…?”

Seth wasn’t one of the most popular kid at school. He had short gray/white hair which was not in any kind of style. He always was wearing plan gray outfits and blue jeans. He was also not one of the fittest—he was slightly overweight. Sighing he made his way over to where his Nentendo DS was and turned it on. That is all he normally did after school, play his Pokemon Diamond version. The game started like always and then flashed off.

“What in the world?” he said. Words began to go across the screen. This was definitely not part of the game. A voice spoke the words.

You are about to enter a part of the Pokemon World never seen—a part of the Pokemon World no other has ever heard of. You—the holder of the Silver Shard has been chosen. Now your adventure—your destiny shall begin…

The screen of the game then flashed and the world around Seth turned white and that whiteness was over come by darkness. Seth looked around. He then heard the voice again.

You will overcome your differences and prove anyone can be a champion…

Seth then glowed with a white light. When the light vanished the only changes was his outfit and hair. He was now wearing all black with a black/silver jacket. His once gray/white hair was now pure white and had grown much longer that it almost touched the ground, yet these were the only changes. Then the white light over took him again…

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

As all this was going on something was being planned in the region of Polamo. This region and its neighbor; the region of Polama were connect by the Everlasting Sea. On an island between the two a dark building could be seen. This was the Team DarkStar HQ.

“The Silver Shard Guardian has been chosen…” came a dark voice from the shadows. “We’ll just going to have to see if this newcomer has what it takes to save these two regions from being drawn into the darkness.” The speaker laughed evilly.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Notes: Sorry this is so short. The chapters will be longer. If anyone wants to draw my character Seth please PM me.
 
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C

Crazy Weavile

Um... your nose OK?
Um, this isn't going well. Vocabulary is limited at best (evilly? why not maliciously or something else with a bit more flair?) Description is there, but it's in no sort of depth, and feels more like notes than part of the story. Grammar is awful. Use 'and' or something else in writing- gray/white isn't good grammar, but gray and white or gray-white are. Seth is massively underdeveloped even for this point in the story, and the plot is VERY foggy.
 
U

Umbreon Ruler

Swim for your life.
I think you have a good story so far, but I also have to agree with Crazy Weavile; the vocabulary is limited. Occasionally it sounds redundant, but that's not a big deal. I think that you should proofread it a little more and it will be much better. I'll continue reading to see how this goes.
 
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