Sinnoh Journey! (PG-PG 13)

[Torpoleon]

This is my first Fan fic. So i am not used to everything.I hope this will be good.This is just your basic Trainer fanfic. It is from the sinnoh region.

CHAPTER 1 The start
A boy named Matt was about to start his pokemon journey.He wiil be 10 tomorrow(in the fanfic) and he likes pokemon. He trains with his pokepet Turtwig. he has a mom ,a dad, a brother and a sister. His mom is a pokemon researcher and his dad is a "retired" pokemon trainer. His brother is 8 and his name is Cory. He also has sister who is already on her journey and she is 12 and her name is Jasmine(nickname Jas). He is from Twinleaf Town.

In the moring of Matt's day to start his journey his mom was calling him.

"MATT!!! GET UP!"said Mom.It wasn't working he was sleeping like a baby.
Cory was already up same with dad and his Empoleon(not a pokepet.)Than Turtwig ran up to Matt's room.

"Tuurrtwig!"said Turtwig as it licked Matt's face. "Uuhh Turtwig get off!"said Matt . Turtwig ran downstairs than Matt went downstairs."Did you send turtwig up,Mom?"asked Matt. "No he just ran up."said Mom.

"Whatever."said Matt. "Hey Matt have you decided on what pokemon you are picking?"asked Cory. "Probably Piplup like Jasmine and me."said Dad."What if I pick Chimchar or Turtwig."said Matt"Your choice."said Dad

"Matt get dressed."said Mom. Then he went up into his room and got dressed. Than the doorbell rang and Cory stood on a chair and looked through the peephole."Mom it is the lab people from Jubiliffe city."said Cory

"Ok got to run."said Mom She kissed Matt,Cory and dad. "Matt are you doing contest or gyms?"asked Cory. "Ummmmm.... Gyms!"said Matt. "I packed your bag with all of the essentials and your Razor phone."said Dad

"Ok dad bye everyone!"said Matt. He walked through the streets of Sinnoh until he reached Sandgem town. Matt walked into the pokemon lab. he was greeted by Pokemon researchers. Than he saw Prof. Rowan.

"Hello my name is Matt and I am from Twinleaf town and i am here to obtain my first pokemon."said Matt. "You are lucky because we have all three in stock."said Rowan. "So who will it be?"asked Rowan.

"I pick(they all look so cute he said in his mind)Chimchar!'said Matt. "Than you will need Chimchar's pokeball,5 additional pokeballs, and 1 pokedex."said Rowan. When he exited dad, mom and Cory were there and Jasmine was on speaker phone.

"So who did you pick?"asked the family. "I'll show you! Go Chimchar!"said Matt
"Chimchar!"said Chimchar. "Check Chimchar's data on the pokedex."said Jasmine. "Chimchar the blaze pokemon it is a fire type and is a starter pokemon in sinnoh."said the pokedex.

"That is so cool.?"said Cory."Thanks and I am going to stay at the house today and get to know Chimchar."said Matt.

That ends chapter 1 and chapter 2 is called Getting to know you Chimchar!

 

[jubilife]

Hm... I'm not considered an excellent writer myself, but I can definitely offer at least a LITTLE advice.

"Is this a good fic?" said Dad.

"I don't think so," said Mom.

"What could we do to make it better?" said mom.

"Probably stop having all our diologue run like this!" said Dad.

It was, well, horrible. For one, I was fairly suspicious the main characters name was Ash at one point (if you know what I mean) the sentences seemed choppy, the spacing was good enough to make a pre-k teacer gag, and it ultimately made me wanna go and pray to Yami for being a goddess of helping others/making them cry. Start over, make it longer, have more stuff actually HAPPEN, and read a book for the first time in your life. Hell, I don't care if it's Green Eggs and Ham, it can help you!

 

[Torpoleon]

Now do you like it?

 

[Willow's Tara]

Hmm, you made grammer erros here and there, and you don't need to do this (not a pokepet) unless it's in POV or breaking the fourth wall. I suggest you read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread and many more.

 

[Dragonfree]

This is a bit too short to be much of a chapter. Chapters should be at least two pages or so in Word.

Now, from the looks of it, you didn't actually type this in Word; you probably wrote it into the new thread box here. You shouldn't do this for a number of reasons; it makes it harder for you to gauge the length of it, it has no automatic spellchecker like most word processors do, and it makes you unable to save your work and bring it back up later - generally you should not write a chapter in one sitting.

Now, you really would need an automatic spellchecker, because this is riddled with errors, most prominently in punctuation but also spelling, grammar and capitalization. It would be a good idea to get a beta reader (there is a thread for that in the Authors' Café) who would be able to correct your mistakes and give you tips on how to go on.

Your first paragraph starts with a sentence in past tense, but then the rest of the paragraph is in present tense. It is also, incidentally, infodump - you could weave this information into the story as it becomes relevant. For instance, you could mention his father's status as a retired trainer when he appears with his Empoleon, and the fact he has a brother by simply saying "His little brother Cory" instead of just "Cory" the first time he appears, and so on.

Now, I'm not sure precisely what you define as a "pokepet"; is it just any Pokémon you have that is not formally yours? Either way it doesn't help us much to tell us whether or not the Pokémon is a "pokepet" in parentheses when it's mentioned; you could say, for instance, that his father's Empoleon had been his starter when he went on his Pokémon journey, or talk about Matt's Turtwig being a pet when you mention he has been "training" with it, rather than throwing in a confusing word in parentheses.

You should also generally start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. You could use more description of what is happening instead of just dialogue - connects with revealing all that information, too, because there is a lot of stuff you could say in between the lines they're speaking. Instead of just saying Matt's dad and little brother are up, why don't you describe, once Matt is up, how he can hear Cory's voice from downstairs, or how he sees his dad walking past his room with his Empoleon or something like that?

This would also fix the length issue, because the main reason this chapter is so short is that you're sprinting through everything that happens; you're not giving yourself time to describe properly what is happening and what Matt is thinking. You could set a nice scene with his family in the morning if you just gave yourself the time. Take it slow.

You have to make your next chapter longer or I will have to close this. I recommend reading the Fan Fiction rules.

 

[Torpoleon]

I didn't realize how short it was. Sorry. Also my computer does have spell check.

 

[Ezey]

"Ok dad bye everyone!"said Matt. He walked through the streets of Sinnoh until he reached Sandgem town. Matt walked into the pokemon lab. he was greeted by Pokemon researchers. Than he saw Prof. Rowan.

Okay, I don't usually review things, but I felt a sudden urge to while reading this story. This right here *points at quote* is reeeeeeeaaaallllyyyy undiscriptive and boring.

Try to describe the surroundings more. Reading the part of your story that I quoted, the only thing I see is him walking in the streets of one city and then through the streets of another. Dosen't he say or think anything in the time it takes him to walk from one town to another?

Also it seems really quick, like he started walking and was in Sandgem town less than a minute later. More description would make it seem like more time had passed.

Another minor thing that annoyed me somewhat was when you said "Matt walked through the streets of Sinnoh" Sinnoh is not a town, I'm pretty sure it's like a continent, that's like someone saying they walked through the streets of North America. Try, 'Matt walked through the streets of *insert specific town name here.*

There is also a slight continuity error, the people from the lab came to get him, but he ended up walking to the lab alone. If they weren't going to the lab with him then you should have explained where they did go, or at least acknowlege their existance more than once.

I firmly believe that this story could greatly improve from what it is now if you just add some descriptions of something.

-Ezey

 

[Torpoleon]

Well here is Chapter 2!

CHAPTER 2:GETTING TO KNOW YOU,CHIMCHAR , and Setting off!

“Hey Chimchar, my name is Matt.”said Matt

“Chim Chim Char!”said Chichar happily

“Lets nick name you Fire Storm!”said Matt

“Chimchar!”said Chimchar in agreement. Than they headed for the pokemon center. Matt quickly got Fire Storm healed than headed out, when somebody bumped into him. It was Dusk. Dusk is Paul and Dawn’s daughter. She was also with Ash and May’s son Nick.

They all got there starter pokemon,. Dusk has Piplup(like Dawn) and Nick has Turtwig.

“What are doing here?”asked Dusk

“Just leaving.”said Matt

“Whatever.”said Nick. Matt took stops at places like pokemon marts to get potions and stuff until he reached his house. Than he entered. He saw his dad reading ,Cory playing his DS Lite(Pokemon Platinum) and his mom cooking.

“So did you see Dusk and Nick?”asked Dad

“ Yes,why?”asked Matt

“You are supposed to travel with them.”said Dad

“I’ll be right back.”said Matt.”Go Chimchar, lets go!” Than he checked at the pokemon center, not there, pokemon mart, not there, pokemon lab there!

“Dusk and Nick!”said Matt

“Yeah.”they said simultaneously

“I am supposed to travel with you!”said Matt

“Oh yeah.”said Dusk. So they headed out. They walked around and got to their houses to say their good byes.

“Your leaving?”asked Cory

“Yeah, just keep playing Pokemon platinum.”said Matt. The door rang it was Prof. Rowan! He gave Matt a device called XDR(Random.)

“What is it?”asked matt

“It is XDR were you can talk with pokemon!”said Rowan

“Awesome!”said Matt. Than Rowan left.

“Well you should get going I made a snack for you.”said Mom

“Thanks bye.”said Matt. Than he headed out to be joined with Dusk and Nick who got the same thing just called something different. Their next destination is Jubiliffe city than Oreburgh City.

i typed this on word and it was 2 pages.

 

[BuizeruOtterLuvr]

How old are you?

I'm just going to come out and tell you that this is absolutely boring and uninteresting. I think you should probably refrain from posting the story until you build your skills up; such as grammar, using more of a variety of vocabulary, giving your character a personality, and basically learning to make a story interesting.

 

[Jingle_Lulz_The_101th]

The Bad - Umm... I rushed through it.
The Good - Well...part of it was intresting...
The Improvement - GRAMMAR. - Trust me, I can see this even by looking. No offence.

 

[Torpoleon]

BuizeruOtterLuvr: I am 11 and what grammar mistakes did I make?

Jingle Lulz The 101th: I didn't rush this.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Jingle Lulz The 101th: I didn't rush this.

Really? I mean I sneeze and get inspired to draft up paragraphs, longer than this.

I've written reviews, chew outs, and summaries, larger than both your chapters combined.

I mean you've blatantly ignored the rule for length; and ignoring that changed rule, you've done nothing outside make something that makes some of the poor man scripts I've seen, look epic. And that's nothing to be proud of.

Is it so hard for you to spend more than five seconds writing? Is it so hard for you to actually describe emotion, setting, depth, detail, description, actions, scenery, drama, horror, mystery, humor- etc etc etc, that you don't try and you leave it up in the air completely and think that a rushed bare bones thing, that blatantly breaks the rules, will appease people?

I still find it hard to believe a Mod actually wanted to change the rules to allow something so skimpy, so rushed so absolutely scant and devoid of anything, like you've written.

Now, do the forums a favor, go read ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS and the RULES and a few books that aren't targeted for 2 year olds, and maybe skim over some of the stories here.

 

[Dragonfree]

Two pages means two full pages, not that the text takes up a few lines on the second page. That's more like one and a quarter of a page. Additionally, even if you had reached the length limit, quite literally half of the chapter consists of paragraph breaks, because there are about four or five lines in the whole thing that are not just "Blah blah blah," said Character X. You haven't taken any advice about actually describing what is going on, mentioning events in passing without fleshing them out and dominating the story with nothing but short lines of awkward dialogue.

Thus, I'm closing this.