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Sinnoh Stories - The Legend of Volkner!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by D. Scott, Oct 25, 2010.

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  1. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Chapter List will be updated when I'm not a lazy ***. In the mean time, please bare with me and find the following four or five installments on your own.

    SINNOH STORIES - THE LEGEND OF VOLKNER! HAS WON A FAN FICTION AWARD! It is tied in first place in the "Best Canon Character Centric" category in the 2010 Serebii Fan Fiction awards! Thank you all so much! I'm so excited! My tie was with Mrs. Lovett's "Roots". Check that out too when you've got the chance - I hear it's good.
    Chapter List​



    "... B-but, mom," the child protested. "It's boring here! I don't want to do what normal kids do; I ain't a normal kid!" He spoke with his arms folded over his thin and bony chest, a sky blue shirt wet with sweat clinging against him. On his shoulder was a yellow mouse, black stipes decorating its neck and wrists, diamond-shaped ears perked up as it listened to the conversation. The child was careful in his position, for if he were to let the creature fall, his mother would kill him.

    His mother's face was flushed, red as a ruby, frustration evident in her eyes. Sweat oozed from every pore, giving her skin a slimy coating. She seemed to be nervous, but the boy didn't know why - perhaps she was concerned about his welfare, or some other ********. He didn't know, but in all honesty, he could have cared less.

    The dominant emotion in his mind right now was anger: anger at his mother for refusing to let him do what he had proposed. It was a simple thing. He would simply take the mouse on his shoulder and head out, explore the world as a Pokemon trainer. He hated the creatures, but doing this would help cure the chronic, fatal illness that had plagued him for his thirteen years on Earth.

    The illness was called "boredom".

    "Volkner," his mother whispered. To the boy - "Volkner" - it was a vile tone of voice ringing in his ears. The moment he heard it, he lowered his arms and clenched his fists, his blue eyes shimmering with an unprecedented rage. "You know I can't approve of this. The practice is sickening: it's considered sport to pit these innocent things up against each other in fights! It's horrible that the government even allows it."

    Volkner, in his anger and the angst of his teenagerdom, wanted to punch her. But his small moral compass told him a firm, "no", for this woman was still his mother. Even if she was being totally unagreeable.

    "Now, I don't want to hear any more of it, boy," she said sternly.


    "Up to your room, Volkner. You're grounded 'till you get this idea out of your head. Chuseph will stay with me."

    He thrust a foot toward the floor of their home. He regretted it a moment later, as the marble was rather firm and painful to stomp on barefoot, but he did not flinch. It would be a sign of weakness, and weakness could not be shown right now.

    "Chuseph, mom? Really? Not only is it a nickname for the dumb little bastard, but it's a ****in' stupid one at that!" he exclaimed. "The things don't deserve nicknames. They're less than us. Learn your place, and learn theirs, mom!"

    In a moment of sheer devilish plotting, Volkner thrust his shoulder outward, and felt the grip that Chuseph had on his shoulder fall to pieces and watched as the baby mouse Pokemon fell toward the floor.

    "Watch, mom, watch!" he thought.

    But there was a bit of a chink in his plan. He had forgotten about the tan and brown creature by his mother's side, Abster the Abra. The creature extended a thin-fingered hand, and suddenly, a blue light surrounded Chuseph, and the Pokemon was brought to a soft touch down next to Abster. Volkner scowled, once again stomping a foot firmly to the marble floor, ignoring the mild pain.

    "Ugh, wish he would'a fell," Volkner said with a grin, purposefully antagonistic.

    "... Your sentence has just been extended, boy," his mother chided. "You have two options: I'll give you a direct sentence, and you apologize to Chuseph, or you can stay in your room all day except to eat, use the bathroom, and to go to school until you -do- apologize. The choice is yours. You can't go blaming all Pokemon for what happened. It's like blaming the entire human race for when one man robs a bank. It's -stupid-. Now, make your choice."

    "But mom," Volkner said, but found himself unable to come up with a counter argument - he had put himself into a stuck position, only able to let loose a sigh to signify his defeat. He was considering apologizing to the stupid little Pichu, but decided against it, for his ego was indeed at stake... there was no way he could possibly make a stand here and walk away still clutching it, for he was the one who spouted those words, and to deny them now would be sheer hypocrisy.

    He knew she was right. He didn't care, though. What had happened was still the fault of Pokemon, and he would forever hate them for it. He was considering apologizing to the stupid little Pichu, but decided against it: he had said what he had said, trying to make a stand. To deny his words now and apologize, there would be no way he could walk off while still clutching his pride. It would be hypocrisy.

    So he ran toward the steps close by, black boots connecting with the wooden surface thud after thud, hand gripping the rail tightly. It hurt, friction burning at his skin. He didn't care. But he stopped just moments before he would have disappeared from his mother's sight, and spoke in a clear tone of voice. He had been wanting to see these words since the moment he first heard the "no". It was a sequence of words that any mother would dread hearing, and he enjoyed every letter that slipped passed his lips. She deserved them for her constrictive values, which Volkner knew not to be true values at all.

    "I hate you."

    He curved around the corner once he reached the top of the steps, the brown sameness of the dirty hallway blurring past him in his peripherals. With a force only an angry teenager could produce, he slammed the door shut behind him, turning around for a moment only to lock it and then leap onto the bed, letting loose silent tears and mumbles of the frustration that pulsed through his veins. Only when he looked up through blurred eyes to the window outside did he stop crying long enough to notice her, perched upon his windowsill, her brow contorting her gaze to show her bewilderment.

    He reached the top of the steps and curved around the corner, the brown sameness of the dirty walls in the hallway blurring past him in his peripheral vision as he dashed. He reached his room at the end of the hallway and skidded to a stop, walking through on shaky legs and slamming the door shut behind him. He turned around only for a moment to lock it, and then walked over to his window and stared out at the dull ocean view.

    The port city of Olivine was always dull. It rained often. The ships brought loads of trainers that sickened Volkner; those types who had given love and affection to their Pokemon. The ships also contained sailors: alcoholic, foul mouthed people who Volkner despised. These types ran loose in the streets too. Most children in the school system now tended to stray from him, telling him that he had blood on his clothes that would never wash off.

    He gripped the windowsill tightly and turned around. His shoes rested at the foot of his bed, and without even paying attention to the thought of socks, he slipped them on.

    He had a plan. He was going to get out of this window, scale the side of the wall and run. He didn't care where he would go: nor did he care that it was raining outside, the dull pitter-patter of droplets pelting his window ringing through his ears. He turned around and placed his hands on the windowsill once again, before nodding to himself.

    "You might want to put on a jacket, first," a voice said.

    He turned around and wondered just how he hadn't noticed it. In front of him, sitting near the back of his bed and nestled between two pillows, was a girl. She was absolutely stunning, her hair flowing in long black strands down past her shoulders. Her eyes radiated a calm, soothing mood, a smile plastered upon her lips.

    "Excuse me...?" Volkner asked. He was hesitant to speak: in his normal mood, he would be all over her in an instant, and in all truthfulness, his eyes WERE all over her. Her dress was white, almost see-through, and he wasn't about to ignore the opportunity to observe the merchandise she had to offer. But still, in his current mood, he was wary of doing more than that.

    "It's cold out there, too. If you intend to go out, put on a jacket," she said.

    Volkner blinked, and walked over to a coat rack in the corner of his room. He slipped on a darker, royal blue jacket to cover his sky blue shirt beneath.

    The girl giggled. "You really do like blue, don't you, Volkner?"

    A pulsation of fear raced through Volkner's body at that moment. She knew his name. Was this some sort of stalker? He braced himself, preparing to put up a fight.

    "Relax," she said. It was as if she could sense the tension he felt. "Volkner, if I wanted to hurt you, I would have done so. I've come to help."

    He relaxed a bit, as if her words were a legitimate reason to calm himself. He didn't know why he did... it was just as if she had this magical quality about her.

    "What?" Volkner asked. "The hell do you mean?"

    The girl patted the bed. "Sit," she said.

    "Not until you-"

    She patted it again, still smiling. "Please, I insist."

    Volkner's legs moved on autopilot. He sat down right in front of her, sitting indian-style position, glaring at her eye-to-eye.

    He couldn't last for long. His gaze softened until it was almost casual.

    "I apologize," she said. "It's rude of me to call you by name without introducing myself first. My name is Mana. It's a pleasure, Volkner."

    She leaned in closer, and Volkner did the same.

    "I also apologize for my brevity. I'd explain a little further if I had the time," she whispered. Her tone sounded guilty.

    Suddenly, the two of them leaned forward far enough for Mana to grab him and embrace him, planting a kiss tenderly on his cheek.

    "So, yes," she whispered in his ear. "Sorry."

    Volkner felt his world begin to spin: and he fell forward, going entirely limp. His face buried in her chest, but even as a pubescent boy, he had no time to enjoy it. His entire world was wrought with confusion, until finally, he felt his consciousness begin to slip away.


    Just wait, child,

    For I will do you a great favor...

    ... as long as you do me one first.

    PM LIST-
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2011
  2. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    You know, this is definitely intriguing. You had me fooled with the somewhat melodramatic fight between Volkner and his mama, and I thought it was heading down that "Ima run away!" route that gets kind of, well, boring and even more melodramatic, but I was pleasantly surprised. The transition from normalcy (I guess) to bizarre was blunt, but it worked well.

    I do like your portrayal of Volkner; I know very little about him, but from what I do know, he seems like he would be a whiny, bratty teenager. =P He did come off as unlikeable with the whole "pokemon are less than us" ramble, and it made me want to punch him (at the "I'm not a normal kid part" more than the "pokemon are less than us" rant for some reason) but that's what you were going for, right? I do find his whole mindset interesting, though, with his mother being a "pokemon sympathizer." Mostly how he came to believe in such thoughts. Hopefully that'll be explained later, and hopefully he'll grow out of it. I also like Mana. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to. I at least like how she made Volker pretty dumbfound anyway. Oh, ye hot chicks in windows.

    My main critique is the structure of your sentences. I noticed that you create long sentences in order to make it seem like Volker is rambling. When it's done well, it works well. Ex:

    Even without the last bit, we can tell that Volker is nervous/embarrassed/antsy because of the structure.

    But for the most part, your "rambly" sentences kind of ... a mess. Kind of like you got lost yourself while writing it:

    It's mostly the bold part that is confusing, like you're missing a comma or a coordinating conjunction somewhere. Probably an "and" between "mouth" and "delicately." Other than that, this sentence also works well with its subject matter.

    This is a longgggg sentence, and unlike the other two sentences I quoted, there's no need for it to be this long. I start to get lost around the fingerless arm part. This entire section could use a bit of tweaking/rewording/rephrasing/word deleting. I would first suggest breaking it up to avoid confusion and then going over it to see if you can shift word phrases around. The "fingerless arm" part is particularly confusing because it's hard to tell if you're describing Volkner or the pokemon on his shoulder. The "so as to not shift his shoulders to a point where ..." portion is also a little wordy.

    You also might want to consider hyphenating "yellow-furred" and "black-striped" (with a comma in between the two). It, again, helps with confusion and slows down the text.

    You also seem to have some issues with capitalization and dialogue:

    (Hope you don't mind that I cut out the rest of the sentence).

    "The" here should be lower case ("But Mom," the child protested) because "the child protested" is connected to the dialogue.


    "The" here should also be lower case for the same reason. Leaving it capitalize disconnects it from the dialogue (technically), so the reader may be left wondering what the she is asking.

    The only time a sentence should be capitalized after a piece of dialogue is if the sentence can stand alone as its own sentence.

    Ex) "Don't touch me." She backed away, eyes wide.
    "Why?" He poked her again.​

    Kinda sorta make sense? Lol.

    Other than that, it could use a bit of a clean up, but it's pretty well done. It has an interesting setup for sure. I'll be sticking around. =P
  3. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the review... it's very rare (since I've always just written on ffnet >_>) to actually get detailed criticism. Grammar errors will be fixed soon as I reply.

    Thanks again.
    - Ian
  4. disclaimer065

    disclaimer065 Well-Known Member

    *sigh* I hate not having anything to add. But that's what happens when I'm a terrible reviewer and a good one goes before me.

    At any rate, you have me hooked. I went in thinking, "Oh jeez, this is gonna be a major screw up," but I was actually pleasantly surprised. It's very rare that someone can pull off a canon character history fic, but this looks like it will be at the very least somewhat successful. No doubt it will excel, though.

    I do have one question, however. What -verse is this?
  5. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thank you! I hope it exceeds your expectations! It is game-verse, by the way.
  6. SilentMemento

    SilentMemento Lone Wolf

    This, my friend, has a ton of potential. I came in thinking that it was going to be done poorly, but I think that you nailed down Volkner's personality. The fact that his mother is a hippie just makes things even better.

    I will definitely keep reading this to see how it progresses.
  7. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thank you! It means a lot to hear this, really. I hope things continue to be as an enjoyable read for you all.

    May as well say in this post, by the way: Chapter 1 is about a quarter of the way done, give or take a bit. I would expect it up at the latest by Wednesday, but no real guarantees (yay sporadic motivation).
  8. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Chapter 1 is here! Enjoy, and do not hesitate to give me some criticism.

    Chapter 1: Haunting

    A great favor...? What do you mean by that...?

    ~ You need not worry, boy.
    Just wake. Wake now. Before it's- ~

    As if on command to this strange, melodic voice that drifted through his unconscious mind, planting these words into his subconscious in the process, Volkner's eyes quickly peeled open. He recoiled, however, and shut them again just a moment later as sunlight struck him, hot and blinding, much more so than the sun in Olivine, and thus it immediately struck him that he wasn't quite there anymore. He slowly opened his eyelids this time to let the sun seep through at a steady, controlled rate.

    Finally, he could open them all the way again.

    What met his sight was an awfully clear sky, devoid of any clouds whatsoever... simply blue, for as far as the eye could see. Well, this excluded the variety of palm trees that dotted the sandy surface of whatever landmass he was on, tan colored trunks draped with downtrodden green leaves, a few fruits of some sort in which Volkner could not identify hanging beneath. He could taste gritty sand in his mouth, which he turned his neck to the side and spat out.

    His arms and legs hurt tremendously, pain racing through his veins like a bullet train, unmatched by any previous agony present prior to now. But he needed to see if he could stand. If he didn't, or if worst came to worst, couldn't... well, he'd have to face that reality that when you lay alone in a strange, somewhat foresty looking place immobile as a child, it was basically sitting yourself on a silver platter, setting some lettuce around yourself, stuffing an apple in your mouth and screaming, "Hey, Persian and other fine beasties! It's an all-the-Volkner-you-can-eat buffet!".

    Quickly, and thus painfully, Volkner flipped himself over onto his stomach, hands pressed with as much force as he could manage (which wasn't much) against the hot sand, and tried to push himself up to his feet. He immediately felt his legs begin their conversation on labor unions (because their boss was such an enormous ******* to them), but they worked all the same, giving him a staggering but present standing condition.

    He took this time to examine his surroundings a slight bit better: nothing really new to see than from his grounded perspective, other than the fact that the area was indeed forested with these palm trees, a jungle of darkness hidden under the canopy, an intimidating sight but one he would have to deal with for a little while all the same. At least, this was his assumption... he was in a bit of a pessimistic, but,
    considering his situation, understandable mood.

    Now his legs were straight and were definitely considering forming their little labor union, maybe going on strike soon, but for now they were cranking the gears of maximum efficiency the hardest they could to please the boss. Working arms, working legs, and a decently working head. Things were working out good enough so far; not quite into the "pleasant" range, but good enough for him to be able to think the situation through and then act on it.

    Suddenly, it hit him.

    He had been too groggy for a couple of minutes to realize the fact that he had only the slightest clue as to how he got here. That clue was a conniving, twisted little girl... a dot of malice in his mind by now, as she stood as one of the only possible explanations to his current predicament. Whatever she had done had knocked him unconscious - oh, right, the kiss, he thought. - and then she had thrown him here after doing something else to him... something to cause him pain like this.

    But he supposed he didn't have quite the time to deal with it. If the girl popped up later, he would question her, try and figure out a way to get assistance for her had he not already gotten assistance from any people on this assumed island (assumed, because the half he was on was surrounded by ocean, but the possibility stood that he could also just be at the coast or a larger landmass).

    First thing was first, he thought in his mind of minimal wildlife survival knowledge... a fire. Those were easy, weren't they? He just needed to rub two sticks together, and the fraction or fruction or whatever the flying feathers it was called would set it ablaze, a perfect source of warmth. That would work just fine, he told himself, as he stumbled across the beach, sandaled feet hitting the hot sand with a small crunching sound, and he slipped in through the trees to start up the only work he would try and do today: gather firewood.


    "Why did I even try and THINK this would be easy?" the boy exclaimed, stumbling out of the wooded area, a pile of thin looking sticks bundled in his arms and pressed against his chest. His skin was dotted with a variety of different colors; red from the strain on his body, the blood rushed to his face... green from stains of trips through grass, smeared with the brown of soil. Scarlet from fresh blood. His hair was disheveled, and his overall appearance just seemed a total mess.

    He had gotten attacked inside there.

    There were indeed wild Pokemon here, as he had found out on his little search for firewood. He had been looking for any dropped branches, so he wouldn't have to climb and snap off anything (which he did eventually end up doing), when - god be damned - he just happened to a spot a small herd of Wild Pidgey. Now, as far as he knew, they weren't fighters... but they would protect their territories with their lives. It was someting his mother had told him when he was younger, and he was actually interested in the little animalistic, filthy creatures.

    He had tried to leave quietly. They had all neglected to notice him, perched up in their tree. But he had stepped over a single branch, ironically, and the snapping brought this foreigner, big and tall compared to them, to their attention. They had attacked, fiercely, leaving Volkner to run with wood he had gathered so quickly that if he had been a cartoon his legs would be a twirling wheel beneath him, acting in a singular effort to propel him away from the danger.

    ... too...

    The shitty part was that it wasn't even necessary for him to get the few injuries he currently had on him. He had just barely escaped the flock... he had run, backtracking through the territory he'd crossed without so much as a single injury because of his legs, running off of adrenaline, and their skillful - albeit painful - twists and leaps and various other contortions to get him through the perilous times. But, on his way out of the forest itself, he'd somehow managed to finally lose his footing and slam facefirst into the grass, gravel cutting his skin open, dirt and grass smearing him across his visible skin.

    "...late," Volkner found himself mumbling then. He allowed himself to sit down and release the wood grasped against his chest, watching it all roll down into the sand with a strange allure. But, of course, another pulsation of pain rushed through his body and he forgot about this, wincing and rubbing at his aching joints. For what felt like about ten minutes or so, he sat there and allowed himself to relax, mind blank and thoughtless except for the increasing rhythmic pulsations of pain.

    It got to the point where the pain was causing more than wincing, too. With each pulsation, he found himself feeling more and more of this before it finally let loose mild groans, then moans, then agonizing screams. His body was wracked with torturous pain, spasming every few seconds until he couldn't bare it any more and he just wanted to lay down and die.

    ~ ... I didn't want to do this ... ~
    His eyes snapped open, and he observed her again.

    "I'm sorry, Volkner," Mana whispered, her head craned down to look at the chronically pained boy. She seemed genuinely upset over his state... her face red, eyes seeming to echo a mild sorrow. Why, is what he wondered in the small sections of time which he could think coherently over the pain... a time span which was now gradually decreasing, as he observed her eyes, her gaze locked upon his and vice versa. "I thought you were strong enough... I thought I could let you wake up on your own. I guess I was wrong... it's okay. Let's get up now, for real - the source of your pain is a Gastly. It put you into a deeper sleep than I thought, and it's using a Nightmare attack... which is followed up by Dream Eater. You'll die. If you wake up, I've left you a gift."

    Shocked and startled by this revelation, Volkner suddenly began to shout - shout at the top of his lungs, trying his hardest just to choke himself into consciousness.

    A tactic which worked.


    He awoke with a start, screaming and bolting up right, his hands moving to embrace himself in an effort to comfort his worsened state: the dream world was almost more pleasant, despite the nightmareish circumstances... suddenly, it hit him like a ton of bricks. Mana had said that if he woke up, she had left him a gift. What had she meant by that? He pondered this as he tried to stand, but his muscles were filled with fatigue. Thankfully not pain, but an overwhelming sense of insecurity in their ability, like he had just run a couple hundred miles and he would be forever crippled.

    Why was THIS?

    Another realization: the fatigue was from a Hypnosis attack, just beginning. The Gastly was still in the room with him. Watching as he fell.

    Time was of the essence, as he grew groggier by the moment. He hated Mana even further at this moment, for her incompetence - if she was going to wake him up from death only to leave him to fall right back in, why wake him up in the first place? It was just torture- or not. Realizations seemed to be the theme of the night, constantly popping into this mind of his in its state of refreshment and declining. She had said she had left him a gift... something to eliminate this threat with?

    What else could eliminate a creature other than another creature? Another creature seemed a pretty good strategy to him: it was either beat this Gastly now, or die, and thus he had to put his faith into the girl who had gotten him into this situation in the first place... he reached out to the side and grasped the red and white sphere that lay there tightly, and tossed it forward after pressing a finger onto the release switch. His head drooped, and he missed whatever sound effects or anything the little thing made... and his vision was too blurry to see just what the creature that was supposed to be his savior was.

    "...attack...gastly..." he groaned. Consciousness was slipping.

    A flash of thunder struck somewhere close by... was it raining? No, he heard none of the pitter-patter that came with it, so that couldn't quite be it... so what was the source?

    He knew in his heart just what the source was, all this time, but his gaze focused upon the yellow fur, an extra dot of miscolored black fur on his back just below the typical Pichu's patch only confirmed it. Wherever he was at the moment, Mana had dropped off the family Pichu - "Chuseph" - with him. Next to him was a fading Gastly, which he ignored - it would be gone now, as Chuseph had struck it hard. Thus his own paralysis was gone, but his muscles still had a strange fatigue to them. As he slipped his hand outward, muttering "return...", he watched a red beam of light shoot out and envelope Chuseph, then slipped the ball into the pocket of his pants just in case he needed the filthy looking little rat a a later time.

    His next priority, he knew, was to get out of this place. It had a haunting atmosphere to it, its tight brown wooden walls, and the cold floor he lay on. It almost felt as if there was a human presence in the room, besides himself.

    Slowly but surely he managed to pull himself to his feet, his arms hanging low in front of him, his legs weakly wobbling beneath him, not quite able to effectively support his weight... but he needed to move. He was not safe here, for if he were to look, it would be likely that he would find more Gastly or even worse creatures lurking in the depths of this strange house. He took one experimental step, and found out his worst fear of this moment was a brutal reality - he fell face first into the floor. Turning himself over, he could only sigh. It looked like this was the end.

    "... Oh no. Uhm, Sneasel. Go over there and see if you can spot his vitals - is it a corpse, or is it alive? Nod once for dead, nod twice for alive..."

    His consciousness was fading yet again. From real fatigue this time - part of his mind had been warped, twisted at the will of another creature... it was understandable that he was tired. A strange looking black creature with a red feather on its head, claws donned on both hands and his toes, walked over to him and stared at him as his world went into a color scheme of black and white. Two nods. A rushing of feet met his ears, and he felt a cold hand grab his own, before consciousness slipped away once again.


    He was genuinely concerned for this boy, whom he found laying on the floor of the Old Chateau, his body shivering ever so slightly and very pale, sweat dotting ever inch of his visible skin and then some. He was ill; very ill, and he had no idea why, but his main concern was to get him to the Floaroma Medical Center... Eterna was closer, but he had no idea where the hospital there was, so he was only willing to take the safe bet - fly over the fores with the help of Murkrow and Golbat, and get to the hospital he knew.

    "Yes sir, he's being moved to the ICU first thing off for a more intensive check out, but the doctors say it's doubtful that it's anything life-threatening: you said he was found collapsed inside the Old Chateau, correct?" The receptionist asked kindly, her voice seeming to be of concerned tone when in reality, he could tell that she had spoken to concerned people enough to be able to mimic their voice... a thing that came with experience on the job, he supposed.

    "Yes ma'am," he responded curtly.

    "Then it was likely a Pokemon's attack. Hypnosis, specifically. When used on a human weakly, it can cause extreme muscle fatigue... he should be fine within a few days, with a regular dosage of a drug specially designed for cases like this, and of course natural body rest. Now, for legal purposes, we need to take down some of your information. Can I get you to fill this out for me?"

    She handed him a clipboard with a piece of paper attached to it, a pen dangling from a beady attachment in the top right corner. Nodding, the teen accepted it and walked over to a chair somewhere close.

    It only took him about a minute to fill the sheet out, as the information required was next to nothing, and his handwriting was swift - albeit a bit sloppy. He stood up and walked over to the receptionist's desk, and handed her the clipboard.

    "Anything else, ma'am?" he asked.

    "No, that'll be all, Mister..." She threw a quick glance down to the paper, checking out his name. "Cyrus."


    Boo. Yeah, decided I'm gonna include a bit more than just Volkner in this, but he will still remain the main protagonist. As I said, don't hesitate to criticize... I'd like nothing more.
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2010
  9. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Semicolon in red would be better off as a comma. Likewise, the comma in red later on isn't needed.

    Nothing wrong with this line. I just like it. =P

    I like this, too, but I think you could have formatted it a bit better. I feel like the ellipses are misplaced/unneeded and makes the read a bit ... odd. Maybe substitute the ellipses with "and were" instead?

    More ellipses talk later!

    No need to capitalize the "oh" or have a period after "thought" between the dashes:

    Whatever she had done had knocked him unconscious - oh, right, the kiss, he thought - and then she had thrown him here after doing something else to him... something to cause him pain like this.​

    Change the semicolon to a colon.

    I think it's peculiar that you used two different shades of red to describe the same object.

    Anyway, replace the semicolon with a colon.

    More ellipses abuse. D: You might be better off changing them to commas since using ellipses here doesn't really make sense in context or structure.

    That being said, I do like the analogy. =P

    Period after "ma'am" should be a comma.

    Period in red (lulz =X) should be a comma.

    Your narrative is rather peculiar in this chapter. It's kind of uncontrollable, very stream-of-conscious like, which I like lots; it really helps me get into the head of Volkner. While it worked well with the first scene (with Volkner having no idea where he is or why) or with your portrayal of Volkner period, I feel you could have taken control of the reins and pulled it back a little bit. When you do have long, windy sentences, it's very easy for someone to lose the point ... not unless that IS the point. ;P I think this might be because you're too reliant on ellipses (you usually employ them when you're trying to separate regular narrative from Volkner's snark ... or whenever you feel like it, really o_O) when you might be better off starting a new sentence or playing around with different forms of punctuation. In some cases, I think you would be better off using commas instead of ellipses to make it more stream-of-thought-like.


    I think the ellipses here makes your sentence a little more confusing than it needed to be. You kept stacking it on; therefore, it got kind of hard to keep track of what the point was. I think you might be better off starting a new sentence after "stand."

    "Younger" might be better off a "young" (you might not even need "young" period since "child" seems to indicate youthfulness anyway). "Buffett" should be "buffet." And while I'm not sure on this one, you may not need the period after "buffet!"

    I do like the imagery, though. =)

    Some formatting problems here (backspace before "considering" so it's part of the same line with "but"). While there's nothing wrong with using ellipses here, it's kind of pointless. You might be better off changing them to a period instead. You know that phrase "too much of a good thing"? When you do something too much in fiction, like "short, choppy sentences" or having one individual line as its own paragraph, it kind of loses it power, especially when you actually intend it.

    Anyway ...

    This was an interesting turn of events. As much as I wanted to say "Saw that coming!" I really can't say that to anything. I wasn't suspicious of any strange doing (god knows why I thought Volkner would really be on a beach or something) until the pain really got to Volkner. It's an interesting twist on Hypnosis. I wonder what relevance Old Chateau has ... I was really caught off by the end, though. Never expected it to be Cyrus. I am still wandering in the dark with this one, but I think that's a good thing. We're learning things at the same rate Volkner is learning things so we both can be surprised together! Hurrah.

    Looking forward to chapter two!
  10. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Grammar errors will all be fixed. Comments in bold.

    Chapter Two is about ten percent done. If I wanted to give an ETA, it'd probably be about Thursday or Friday.
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2010
  11. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Well, this is fun. Got done a lot quicker than I thought I would.

    Chapter 2: Seige

    Cyrus nodded politely in response to the receptionist and turned himself around to begin a walk for the revolving doors of the Floroma Medical Center, feeling no real need to be here any longer as he was mildly annoyed with the beeps and mechanical voices of the intercom system, the sounds of moaning patients waiting for treatment by a doctor... hospitals like this, while acknowledged as a necessity by the fifteen year old boy, were one of his least favorite places in the world.

    They were filled with pain.

    He pressed a hand against the cold glass of the revolving doors and allowed himself to slip out and go into the world beyond, his foot pressed firmly down against the grass. It was a beautiful day out today, the sky shining bright with the light of the sun. The air was of a mild temperature, just cold enough to be almost tangible and covering the boy's skin, but warm enough so that it didn't really bother him. As was the norm in Floroma, or so he'd heard from most of the residents when he had once commented on the subject.

    Floroma Town was a lovely little place, but Cyrus was itching to get out of it. All one needed to do to understand why he would want to get out was look him in the eyes. The receptionist back there had seen it, he knew. It was why she didn't ask him if he was going to stick around to see about the boy's recovery: she didn't want him around. His gaze was a piercing pool of aquatic blue, shining like the stars in the night sky.

    "... Now," he thought aloud, not really meaning to but not at all caring... it wasn't like he was talking of super secret plans. "I believe I was heading to the 'Valley Windworks'?" He glanced down to his hand, which in a previous moment had instinctively slid down into his pocket and pulled out his town map, examining it closely. He had gotten a new one printed out recently, so it was fully updated to modern standards unlike a lot of maps trainers seemed to have these days. Plus the only blemishes on its otherwise normal skin were wrinkles from his folding of it.

    According to the map, the Valley Windworks was just to the west of Floroma, not even a mile's walk. Cyrus only wanted confirmation for the slight bit of doubt in his head that all human minds carried on themselves, but for the most part he knew he was correct already; for he had already researched the place. It had nothing to do with his real interests, but he still found it an interesting place to explore the possibilities of. It was a generally controversial subject.

    The Valley Windworks was a recently opened center dedicated to furthering the productivity and efficiency of the field of renewable energy sources, their main focus being located solely on Windmills, hence the "Windworks" in their name. He had always thought the project a bit noble... polution was something to ruin happiness, whether it be domestic or wild. The effects on the planet that burning fossil fuels had on both people and Pokemon was step one in the many things human beings needed to eliminate. He wanted to tour, and he wanted to give them his signature of approval, though he knew a fifteen year old's would not matter a bit.

    He let loose a small sigh, masked in sound by the wind that rolled through Floroma Town at that particular moment, causing his long blue hair to waver a bit, and pocketed his map.


    Within half an hour he was there. He was a quick walker, his long legs having a distinct swiftness and grace to their steps.

    He tilted his neck upward to observe the place. It was pretty big for something of its kind, he had to admit, but the destruction of habitat would at least be gone to a good cause. It was as white as a sheet, excluding some grayer patches where paint had already been a bit decayed by the environment (Cyrus figured perhaps some of the employees had done Pokemon battles or something to scar it). Atop its pale surface stood a multitude of poles each equal in size and topped themselves by spinning wheels, which caused a large breeze to blow through the area periodically. In his walk here, he had felt it three times.

    Right outside was a small toll booth, with one of those pricing things that more modern stores used on their cashiers. Seeing it unmanned, he figured it best to ask inside.

    He sighed once more, before pushing open the door and stepping inside.

    "Ah, hello, sir! I haven't seen your face around here before!"

    Before Cyrus could even get the door open completely, a cheery voice greeted him, its tone almost scary with its rehearsed glee. He recoiled slightly, when he realized... well, nobody was at the desk that sat in front of the entrance.

    "... Hi?" he half-replied, half-questioned.

    "Welcome to the Valley Windworks! Are you here for the tour?"

    Suddenly he found himself stumbling backward, letting out a startled yelp. The voice was coming from a source he had not thought possible. In the instant after he spoke, a flash occurred in front of his eyes, and hanging upside down in front of him was a combination of various metal plates painted jet black with small eyes of blue carved into the steel. An antenna stuck out from the machine's head. It lowered itself in front of him, hovering with a low whirring sound.

    "... Uhm, yes." Cyrus glared at the creature with mild apprehensiveness but figured it best to trust the thing if he were to get the thing he came here looking for.

    The robot suddenly creaked, as a mechanical smile crossed its previously unseen lips.

    "Okey doke!" the machine said, then turned around and began to buzz off toward the east. It stopped just before turning a corner, and looked back to observe the stunned, quietly observing Cyrus. It screamed out at him next, trying even further to get his attention. "Are you coming or what, sir?"

    Cyrus blinked, then nodded, running after the thing. He had to do so because with the confirmation of his following the robot did not stop to let him catch up, instead continuing to buzz forward leaving Cyrus in the dust. He eventually caught up with him when the machine came to a complete halt, staring intently into a room: it was about the size of a small home's kitchen, but taken up entirely except for a small walkway in the direct center by computers, their inner workings buzzing and beeping frantically.

    The robot fell to the floor with a thud.


    Over the sound of the computers, Cyrus heard an all too familiar sound very close to his ears. As he prepared to turn around and investigate, his hand reaching toward his belt to unleash his single way of protecting himself, he felt cold hard metal press past his hair and dig into the flesh of the back of his forehead.

    "Hand off the belt, kid. One move after that, and I'll make sure your brains are all over the floor."




    His head.

    His ****ing head.

    Good god, why did his head hurt so ****ing much?

    He heard beeping, and the sound of voices, low and droning, almost mechanical. Like over an intercom or something. He wanted it to stop, so he reached up weakly through the dark envelope that surrounded him, clenching his hand weakly into a fist. He realized almost immediately that it wasn't possible, but he was damned and determined to do it anyway even if it killed him. Which at this rate, he was pretty sure it would.

    He heard voices. They were mumbles in his newfound sense of hearing, but he could tell they were close; close enough to place their cold flesh upon his own, forcing his hand back down to his side. He wanted to struggle against it, but he was weak: too weak to fight back against the domineering, invisible foe. He let himself moan lightly, and with this power he realized he had, his consciousness truly began to return.

    His eyes opened quickly, but the effects of sleep blurred his vision for a couple of moments. He could make out the faint shape of lights on the gray ceiling, and the walls to his sides that he saw in his peripherals were painted with an uplifting floral pattern. He made out pink, and then the shape of a woman's body who he recognized almost immediately to be the one who pushed his hand down when he lifted it. He wasn't all too objecting to this normally, but right now he looked up to her and managed to groan out a question.

    "... Where am I ..."

    The nurse offered a kind smile in response, concern for him evident in her eyes. He felt like crap, so he imagined he probably looked like crap too.

    "Sir, you're in Floroma Town Medical Center."

    Floroma Town didn't sound familiar to Volkner in the slightest.

    "What...? Floroma...?" he asked, glaring at her to try and give her the clue that he was totally confused.

    She understood, it seemed. "You were in the Old Chateau, according to the person who brought you in. We think a Pokemon..."

    It hit Volkner then. "... a Gastly attacked me. Right."

    The nurse nodded, showing slight signs of optimism in the fact that he at least remembered what had happened to him.

    "Do you know your name?" the nurse asked.

    "Volkner," he responded.

    "Where are you from?" she continued.

    "Olivine City..." Volkner muttered. The implications this could possibly have eluded him for a couple more moments, before they hit him.

    ... crap. Think.

    "Oh? Olivine in Johto? My, were you on a tour...?"

    "You mean this is-... uhm, I mean... yes. I was." Volkner slipped the sentence past his lips after a couple of moments, after realizing just what was going on... he wasn't in Johto anymore.

    "Is there anyone we can contact? Friends, family?" she asked kindly.

    Volkner merely shook his head. "I'm here alone... I brought along a Pokemon though," he said, remembering Chuseph's presence. "Do you have him?"

    She nodded.

    "Can I get him back then? I'd feel a little more comfortable with him by my side..."

    It was a genuine lie through his teeth, but he felt it a necessity.

    She nodded, reached for the desk that sat next to his bed, and slipped open the first drawer. She pulled out the red and white ball and pressed the release switch on the center, pale skin touching silver steel. Volkner shut his eyes as a bright flash echoed through the room for a moment but opened them again when he felt soft fur touch his skin, a familiarly warm hand placed against the side of his head.

    "Aww, he's a cute little guy..."

    "He is, isn't he...?" Volkner replied between gritted teeth.

    "Well," the nurse started. "I'll leave you alone to get some rest. We'll be giving you some medicine for your muscle fatigue... should last, say, two hours. I'll be back then to administer another dose."

    Volkner nodded in response, his plan beginning to form in his mind. A bit struck down by the Nurse's next statement, though.

    "It'll eliminate the fatigue so you can move at maximum efficiency. So if you need to use the bathroom, or anything of the like, you can get up and do it on your own. You're in need of hospital care, but only slight. I'm sure you can handle things by yourself... but if you do go somewhere, tell a nurse, because if the drug wears off, you will be incapable of moving for a couple of minutes. Nasty little side effect of the drug, but we'll take care of that if you're just responsible. Understood?"

    Volkner nodded, and cursed to himself.

    After a couple of awkward moments in silence while the nurse administered the medicine through syringe, he watched as she walked away... and almost in an instant, he felt amazingly better. The strain on his muscles, the tiredness... he felt normal again.

    He grabbed Chuseph's Pokeball and returned him, then pulled himself out of the bed and began to prepare for his escape.


    The only reason his plan worked was because he looked so normal. They hadn't placed him in a hospital gown, and had instead left him in his old clothes, so he only looked like a really dirty trainer visiting someone. He was able to slip out the door without a problem.

    He quickly moved away from the front of the hospital, and instead got himself up to a small dirt path inbetween a row of trees. He had to admit this place was nice, flowers blooming everywhere, fragrance beyond the saltiness of the sea he was used to. The wind was also quite nice as well. He was a teenager running off into the theoretical night, as he knew that his patience would not leave him bed-ridden for even the slightest amount of time when adventure stood in front of him, and his only sense of direction was now the way the wind came. He decided to go opposite of it, and that had led him up to this path... he only hoped that when he went through it, he would end up at a safe place before the drug wore off.


    The walk only took him forty-five minutes. He made it through the forested path with no problems, and now stood at the foot of a large building with a white painted surface, an array of windmills dressing its top.

    "Hello, s-sir..."

    He hadn't even noticed that someone was out there with him. He stood in front of a small desk that seemed to be a reception desk, the small cash register in front of him. This place apparently charged to get in, Volkner realized.

    "... Yo. Sorry, I'm jus-" Volkner tried to speak. The blue haired person cut him off, a hint of fear evident in his voice.

    "To enter here, you'll need to pay ninety-one dollars and ten cents. Minus zero," he said, irritating Volkner slightly. A huge sum, and he was even trying to tell him that he refused to cut off the price in the slightest.

    "... I'm not here to get in, just taking a l-"

    Once again, the blue haired person cut him off, his silver-sleeved arm reaching up to scratch behind his head. He winced a bit, as if something pained him.

    "You wanted to ask questions? Same price."

    Why was this guy so intent on-

    Ninety-one ten spelled out nine-one-one-zero. He said minus zero.

    Nine one one. Was this guy in some sort of danger? No, it couldn't be. Even so, why would he ask a boy like Volkner to save him?

    Volkner's hand wrapped around the cold, tiny ball on his belt and pulled it out. He pressed the release switch, and a bright flash of light entered the area, in which he noticed that the blue haired, silver-shirted man winced even more. Something was paining him, definitely. But what?

    "Sorry sir, there's a G.U.N. policy here. It's a spanish term, I don't really know... but it means no Pokemon are allowed out..." Another wince, enough to make him groan a little.



    So, here he was with a choice. Save a guy who was being forced to con money out of people by gunpoint, or walk away with it on his conscience.

    He returned his Pokemon, and glared at the cashier-hostage.

    ... God damn it.

    Volkner walked forward. Faster by the second, until he was in a sprint, where he leaped up over the desk, sliding his foot against the blue haired person's face. It was rag-tag, ineffective tactical manuevering but damn it, it worked. He heard a loud banging sound, and was shaken for a moment... but he recovered quick enough to land on his feet and toss the ball in his hand beneath the desk. It opened up upon contact with the front, and he yelled out his orders in some language not plausible to him at this particular moment where all of the world seemed to be utter nonsense, a babbling variety of language that he tuned out.

    He saw the mouse pop out of the light that came forth, and follow his orders for a Thunderwave attack, leaving the gunmen that kneeled beneath the desk and had been pressing his gun up against the blue haired person's leg paralyzed. The gun dropped from his hands, and Volkner ran to pick it up.

    Things started to make sense again.

    The blue haired person sat at the front of the building, blood trickling from his what Volkner assumed to be his nose but couldn't really tell because the person had his hands over it as if the gesture would suddenly heal the wound. Volkner placed the gun on the desk, and moved over to him.

    "Smart. You alright? Didn't really mean to kick the **** out of ya... didn't see any other way, th-"

    It seemed the blue haired person made a habit out of interrupting people midsentence, even if he was safe.

    "... I'll be fine. Thank you, but there are more people inside. They want to take advantage of the tolling system for the tours this place is giving and charge outrageous prices, to get them some extra cash. They have the director of this place and my Pokemon inside. Toss me the gun on the table... you're done here if you want to be."

    Volkner only sighed.

    "... I haven't got much else to lose, I guess," he muttered. "I'll help you."

    "Thanks..." the blue haired person said. "What's your name?"

    "Volkner. Yours?"

    "Cyrus. Now, let's go take this place back..."

    Volkner then grinned, a bit excited by the prospect. He jolted to his feet and went to the desk, picking up the gun and handing it to Cyrus once he got himself to his feet and moved over to him.

    Both of them were nervous as hell, but Volkner really had nothing to lose. He was left in a foreign world where he knew no one, plus he was sort of running off an adrenaline-clouded mind. Cyrus just wanted his Pokemon back, for he was useless without them.

    "Well then," Volkner responded. "Let's go."


    Wee! I totally went off script of my plan here, but I like this idea better. Sort of develops a bond between the two like I DID plan, don'tcha think? Plus it works better with some later plans too...

    Next chapter... Volkner and Cyrus take back the Valley Windworks!
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2010
  12. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Do you mean "siege" by chance? I'm not sure since it is a title of a chapter (and it could be referring to a name or something). Just in case, I guess. =P

    For some reason, "Oh snap" entered my head, lulz. I guess it was the early connection between adult Cyrus, and teenage Cyrus who may be leaning or thinking about that ideology. "Here's where it begins," and all that fun stuff.

    I actually wasn't sure how old Cyrus was in your first chapter; I figured he was a bit older, but I'm definitely intrigued on how you're going to portray Cyrus as a teenager. It's oddly refreshing to see Cyrus not so nihilistic/narcissistic but rather ... well, I guess he is still slightly cynical, but no more than an average teenager or trainer who has been traveling for years now, I suppose. His narrative is certainly clever. I noticed that you slipped in words like "eliminate" and refer to people as "humans" instead, which is very Cyrus-like, but it's not in reference to overly-complicated topics, or topics that adult Cyrus would be interested in. "Fossil fuels needed to be eliminated." Pretty sneaky, if you're doing that on purpose. =P I do like that when he does comment on the actions of humans, like the use of fossil fuels, or the damaging of property via pokemon battles, he doesn't seem to do it in disdain. He is certainly self-aware of the problems that human causes, but he doesn't seem to be bitter about it ... yet.

    Right. Anyway.

    I'm a little confused with this sentence, though I think it's a structure problem. Like you may not need the comma, but even then, the sentence doesn't make that much sense (so I can see why you think the pause there was warranted). It could be because it's a little chunkier than needed. Maybe
    All one needed to do to understand why he would want to get out was to look him in the eyes.​
    Since you already referenced "lovely town" in the sentence before. But meh. =P

    Oh, you ellipse-er, you. This sentence is a bit long, even if you didn't tack on the "for he already" part. You might want to consider semicolon-ing it instead to make the research part a little snappier:
    Cyrus only wanted confirmation for the slight bit of doubt in his head that all human minds carried on themselves, but for the most part he knew he was correct already; he had already researched the place. ​
    But your choice.

    "Was" might be better off as "had."


    "He" should be lower-case.


    The comma in red should be a period. Also, the comma between "apprehensiveness" and "but" isn't necessary.

    D: Interesting. "All too familiar sound" ... I wonder why Cyrus would be familiar with a gun (I assume it's a gun). I'm a little confused by your description here. The back of your forehead? Is that super fancy description for "back of your head" or did you just mean "forehead?"

    I'd like to comment on the simplicity here (I mean this in a good way). I suppose I should have expected something from the robot randomly falling to the ground (I guess I did), but I do like that you didn't really make a huge deal out of narrative/description with this scene. I think that simple "click" was enough to alert readers of something. So while I was expecting something odd, I wasn't sure what. A neat mixture of knowing but not knowing, you know?


    =| Lol.

    Lot of "then"'s here. I think the first one is a mistake.

    I like this bit and how quick the conversation goes. =P It makes Volkner's slip more believable, and his lie afterward more amusing. Plus that little bit of thought in between ... =3

    You know, I'm a big fan of the word "crap" in stories. I abuse that poor word a lot, too, but it's fitting for a lot of occasions, isn't it? It's such a small word, but it describe a character's mood so fittingly at the same time.

    You might want to delete the "and" between "nodded" and "reached."

    All the other commas in red aren't needed.

    Period in red should be a comma.

    Now sounds like a prime opportunity to say, "Oh snap." =P

    Once again, I do enjoy Volker's sass/snark here. xP

    On a side note, you can spell "damn it" as "dammit" or even make it one fun ole "goddammit." Preferences, though. =P

    Hehe, like this bit, too. No sense makes sense for the situation, if that made sense.

    I was gonna be lame and add a "but that's my two cents" after that, but then that's just corny territory.


    Also quoted this whole thing because I like the snark in it as well ("as if the gesture would suddenly heal the wound.") and the somewhat smart-*** comment Volkner made out of him. He must be a fun character to write. =P

    Some fun twists of events. I'm going to assume Volker's drug side effects are going to kick in sooner or later in the next chapter. I wonder who "they" is and why they picked the Valley Windworks to take hostage to make money. Do people visit the Valley Windworks that often? I guess it is new ...

    A few things I was a little skeptical about, like the whole "nine one one dollars minus zero thing" and the "G.U.N" policy. Aren't those kind of obvious clues that may agitate the gunmen under the desk? And the leg is an interesting place to hold someone hostage by. =P If the guy was under the desk, I figured there might be more subtle ways to indicate that Cyrus was in trouble (I mean, the guy has limited vision past Cyrus head, I assume). But eh. Whatever gets the job done, I suppose.

    And hey! You cut down on ellipses a bit. XP

    Overall, a good chapter. It was nice to see you use different perspectives, and therefore two different writing styles/narratives; it shows that you're pretty flexible as a writer.
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2010
  13. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    As usual, comments in bold. Thank you for the review!
  14. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Chapter 3: Partnership

    If there were two things that the strangers who knew each other only by name shared, they were heartbeat and emotion.

    Volkner's hand pressed against the metal push-door, hot from the sun of the day. His heart beat hard and fast, mixed in with the fear he felt at the knowledge that a strange man could turn the corner at any particular moment and make his brain the newest addition to the wallpaper. There had been a gunshot. If Cyrus was correct and there were more people inside, this was bound to tip them off that something had happened and they would come to investigate. The only assurance he had was the gun in his newfound partner's hand and even that was dependent upon reflex that Volkner couldn't be sure Cyrus had.

    He was, admittedly, already starting to reget his decision to assist. Perhaps it had been his conscience unable to let him walk away, or confusion... but no matter the case he was stuck here, afraid or not, and he couldn't go back on his word now.

    "There are four main rooms of the Valley Windworks," Cyrus whispered, "along with the various smaller rooms. Each of the four main rooms houses a computer system for functionality of the place and a goon. Whoever these guys are, we're gonna have to sneak past 'em or beat 'em... hopefully the former."

    Volkner nodded in understanding.

    However, he actually understood very little of his predicament and he knew this fact well. What made him lie was the single realization that he could smell the sweet stench of adrenaline in the air around him, and he was no longer a cramped up school boy waiting for the day he turned eighteen - he was doing something now, something that wasn't in the least bit dull. Frankly, he was almost willing to risk his life for such a thing at this particular moment.

    His lips curled into a twisted grin as he applied pressure to the door and slipped through, his partner following shortly behind him. Both of them breathed heavily, their chests expanding and deflating every second with the realization that it was a liability but something that they couldn't really help. Volkner felt as if his feet were nonexistent, as if he were gliding over the marble flooring even though he knew he was not. The tension in the air could be cut easier than a warm knife sliced through butter.

    The situation was not entirely helped by the fact that Cyrus collided into Volkner when the younger boy screeched to a halt, toppling over and creating noise when that was the exact opposite of the goal Volkner had intended when his eyes turned the corner and observed a person.

    This person seemed unaware of the noise, which was always an advantage in stealthiness. Volkner's thumb curved around the corner, and he whispered a set of commands to Chuseph. Dutifully, the tiny mouse Pokemon nodded and slipped around the corner. Volkner simply put his faith in the creature to do what it was good for, and a few moments later he heard a pained cry. However, it had come from a source he wasn't quite hoping to hear.


    Chuseph had been found. Seeing no use in trying stealthiness anymore, Volkner and Cyrus slipped around the corner and stared their new assailant right in the face.

    He was a rather tall man, dressed in black from head to toe except for his head and hands. From the distance, Volkner could tell his hands were coarse and calloused, as if he had been working all his life. Perhaps it was the truth. His facial features were rather intimidating, somewhat reminding Volkner of a figure from his past that left him in a state of mild shock; Cyrus, however, found this man's look somewhat interesting. He seemed ambitious, but unable to get his ambitions done through any way but crimes like these, and Cyrus pitied him. His hair was stacked on top of his head in a strange U-like fashion.

    But no matter the case, Cyrus was forced to be the one to come forward and raise his gun. It was just a question of who would could fire first - Cyrus, or this man's Bronzor, the circular metal plate with eyes.

    "So you did steal Roy's gun. Tch. Such a pity, that man," the person holding Chuseph in his hands, the Pokemon limp as if unconscious, said. "As are the rest of these fools. Usin' their guns and ****... real men at least hijack places with guts."

    The hostage holder scoffed, noticing that Cyrus held the gun shakily, hesitantly.

    "Oh come on, kid. If you're gonna have a cheap weapon like that, at least hold it with confidence."

    Cyrus began to shake worse at the comment, struggling to keep himself steady. He was barely afraid at all, but rage set onto him, a great weight over his shoulders that made it hard to stand still. But for the sake of his partner's Pokemon, he was withdrawing his fire for the moment.

    "Let the Pichu g-go, or I'll shoot..." Cyrus threatened.

    "Really, kid?" the man sneered. "Let's see who'd win..."

    He extended a hand, and the blue metallic plate floated over to him obediently. "Your gun, or my Bronzor."

    "... Well, let's u-uh... see!" Cyrus said, trying his hardest to stay threatening but not really being all that successful. He was shaking even further. He was frightened out of his wits, for he knew one wrong move could mean a restored captivity; or worse.

    Volkner, by this point, was able to break himself out of his shocked state and pull himself up to his feet. The fight had nearly been worn out of him by the sight of this man, Cyrus could tell, but he had no idea why.

    "Let my P-Pokemon g-go," the stuttering boy demanded. "or I'll t-tuh-take him f-from you myself..."

    "Oh, stutter the boy wonder is up!" the man exclaimed, excitement evident in his voice. "I was wondering if I'd only get to deal with one little pest..."

    Volkner grimaced.

    Suddenly, the man cried out his first order. "Bronzor, confuse ray!"

    Cyrus then grimaced too, his finger pulling backward and thus pulling the trigger. A loud bang burst through the room as the gun went off, a single bullet zooming through the air, having been aimed for the man's leg...

    ... but to no avail. As predicted by him, the man's Bronzor simply moved in front and took the bullet, leaving him with a small scratch. The steel-like surface seemed almost indestructable in that short moment.

    It then fired its attack. Out of its eyes, the two boys could make out a pulsating throng of energy rings in a variety of colors right before their minds turned to mush.``


    "Land ahoy!" a cheerful seaman cried, extending a single pudgey finger outward toward the landmass visible on the horizon. Silence ensued for a moment, before - in traditional mannerisms for seafarers who traveled through this system, so the pamphlet she read had said - the boat erupted into a thunderous cheer, her own timid applause mixed in with it but drowned out by the more enthusiastic passengers. It did not bother her much at all; quite to the contrary, it pleased her.

    She was the type of girl who preferred not to have attention drawn to herself. Situations like that left her stuck in paralysis, self-conscious doubts running through her mind as she stood there in her frozen daze.

    Did I say something stupid?
    Did I do something stupid?
    Do I look ugly?
    Do I sound wrong?

    It was for these reasons that she closed in upon the shores of Pastoria City. She was regretting her decision to come here and do this, but she couldn't turn back now. Besides, for some strange reason, she couldn't quite shake the feeling that she wasn't alone in her regret: somebody out there was feeling the same way.


    The man let loose a howl of laughter as he observed the two. The blue haired one on the left was now pretty well convinced he was a Seel, it seemed; his hands were stuck out in front of him and repeatedly clapped them together, his mouth opening to release a low pitched rough bark. This was the most entertaining of the two individual reactions, as the yellow haired one just seemed to be convinced he was lifting dumbbells, his arms extended toward the sides and lifting up, hands curled into tight fists around imaginary bars.

    "My god," he said between chuckles. "Captain Giggles and the Body Builder... good nicknames for you two, don't you think?"

    As he spoke, a sudden ring echoed through his ears. It was the sound of his phone, a realization that sent shudders down his spine for he knew it meant dealing with his idiotic team mates.

    He slipped the phone up to his ear, and spoke.

    "Yeah, yeah, what's up Gomel?" he asked.

    "Saturn, have you taken care of the intruders?"

    "'course. Confuse Ray'd 'em with Bronzor... what now?"

    "Tie them up. As a precaution, blindfold 'em... but, well, they 'prolly won't live to report any eyewitnessing, but it's better safe than sorry, right?"



    The sound of the phone shutting off hit his ear, and he pushed it back down into his pocket.

    "Idiot," Saturn complained. "Interruptin' me in the middle of something good... besides, why blind fold 'em if we're gonna kill them anyways? Now boys, where were we?"

    As he spoke, he watched the yellow haired boy - "the Body Builder" - fall down like a ton of bricks. Confuse Ray did that sometimes, as most energy based moves did, to humans... the boy would recover before the day was out, so he'd at least enjoy some mobility before his death.

    "Hmph. Too big a work out, huh? Shame, isn't it, Captain Giggles?" Saturn said through a smirk. He approached the boy and offered a sadistic kick; the symbolic act of kicking a person when they're down. Not at all pleased with the grunt of pain received from the act, but not really wishing to pursue it any further, Jupiter turned toward a close by desk and sat down, swirling the chair around and watching Captain Giggles do his routine.


    christ it hurts
    what the hell is going on

    He had long since lost his ability to move and to think, leaving him floating in an endless black void. He wanted to do something, he wanted to scream... and it seemed as if his prayers would be answered soon enough. His thoughts were somewhat clear now, at least dechiperable in a mind where they were previously just as enigmatic as heiroglyphics to your average four year old.

    is that....
    stop that volkner
    he's dead

    He looked up as best he could to see medium sized legs close to him, muscle evident but not too overbearingly present. They were wrapped in tight black fabric, and he then recognized it to be the man in control of the Bronzor, and his leg was throwing itself backward...

    holy **** this is going to hurt


    Those same legs collided with his chest with a forcefulness Volkner had not thought possible. Pain rushed through him, causing him to cry out in protest, but the sound was warped and strangled. He could not do a thing to defend himself, either.

    He realized then that he was probably going to die.


    "Yes sir, I heard a gunshot near the Valley Windworks. A scream too, I think... yes sir, I'm sure! Go do your job and check it out! Sheesh..."


    Jupiter let loose a small sigh. He was going to have to leave this place pretty soon, he knew - he needed to be backup for Liam, the member of the team who was supposed to do the whole conning thing in the first place, though he had been allowed a relaxation when Captain Giggles over there had wandered into the place. Damned Gomel had forgotten to lock the door: some smart team leader, Jupiter had thought sarcastically when he realized this fact.

    But he didn't particularly want to do anything. He was in a lazy, ****** off mood at this particular time... but it couldn't be helped, he thought. Time to kill the children.

    He lay back, and spoke.

    "Bronzor, use confusi-"


    A sharp pang of fear caused him to bolt upright, as that sound that all criminals dreaded rang through his ears. A horrified expression rested on his face; it was a siren. Without wasting a moment, Saturn reached toward his belt and grabbed the ball attached to it, and pressed the release switch in the center in order to open the ball, sending out a red flash of energy that enveloped his Bronzor and sucked it back in. He then reattached it, and dashed toward the next room.

    It was a bland little place. A few desks scattered around, papers thrown aside as the curious members of their four-man team had viewed them. Most important of all, a window just the right size for Saturn to open and jump through, darting off into the distance. He'd have to tell the real boss that he had no choice but to leave the other men behind, he supposed. They were useless creeps anyway.


    "This is unit 10, answering the Valley Windworks call. We need a medical team here, quick."

    This was all Volkner heard before he peacefully allowed himself to fall back into the void of unconsciousness.


    Volkner's eyes slowly peeled open, a familiar light filtering in at a steady pace. It was artificial, the light he now recognized through previous experience to be the type of lights that dotted the ceiling of Floroma Medical Center. He felt the soft fabric of the bed beneath him, as well as a blanket covering him and the pillow upon which he rested his head. Light beeps, the occasional cough and the sound of a woman's voice on intercom were all the sounds he could hear for a few moments, before he could manage to hear a voice.

    "... You worried me sick, boy! First you run from the hospital, then you go off and do something so dumb like this..."

    It was the voice of that nurse he had in his last visit here.

    "... oh crap," Volkner thought.

    "Now, do you want to explain yourself?!" the nurse demanded, worry evident in her voice. Volkner appreciated her concern, but really wished she had less loud and less annoying ways of expressing it.

    "Now, now..." a voice said. Volkner turned his head to the side, and on the other side of him sat the blue haired boy from the Valley Windworks: Cyrus. "... he just woke up. Let's let him relax a bit. You can question him later, can't you, ma'am...?"

    The nurse looked to Cyrus, obviously realizing she'd been defeated. She sighed, and shook her head.

    "I suppose you're right... but that was reckless, boy! Do it again and gunmen will be the least of your problems..." she muttered. "... oh, and because of your little stunt, you've been injured a little more. Your muscles are probably extremely fatigued, and you'll paralyze yourself if you try to leave again, so no more kindness on our part for you. In other words, no drugs, other than a pain reliever. You should be good to go by Monday..."

    She then turned around and walked off.

    Volkner turned his head to Cyrus, and saw that he was grinning.

    "They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned..." he said. "I guess it's a pretty accurate quote, huh?"

    Volkner laughed weakly in response.

    "You know," Cyrus continued. "It's funny. I realized right before that Bronzor fried our brains that you were the kid in the Old Chateau. Was wondering, what were you doing in there anyway?"

    Volkner stared at him for a couple of moments, and then finally allowed himself to speak up.

    "... T-that's a good question. Thanks for getting me out of there, though..." Volkner groaned. "... but yeah, it is funny, huh? You s-suh-save my life, I save yours... sorta."

    "No sorta about it. You saved his, and probably mine too." A monotonous voice droned, and Volkner looked up. It was a man in a labcoat, a head of shaggy black hair matted to his face. "Both of you are very courageous boys."

    Cyrus looked up to him, and smiled. "Director. Wasn't expecting to see you here..."

    The man in the labcoat nodded. "Please, boy. Call me Nap. For your assistant here," he said, his gaze drifting over to Volkner. "I will explain who I am. I am the Director of the Valley Windworks, name Ked Abel. Though I'd prefer to be called Nap."

    "... That's a bit of a s-strange nickname," Volkner said.

    Nap Abel laughed, a dull sound. "Indeed. Long story. Anyway, I'd like to give you two a reward for your bravery."

    "No reward is necessary-" Cyrus tried to say, but found himself interrupted.

    "Don't l-listen to my friend here," Volkner said eagerly. "What is it?"

    Another dull laugh from Nap.

    "I insist. It is in this envelope."

    With those words, he reached into a coat pocket and pulled out a white envelope, handing it to Cyrus. Then he waved and trotted off.

    The two boys sat in silence for a couple minutes, before Volkner got impatient and urged Cyrus to open the envelope. Carefully, Cyrus submitted himself to his curiousity and peeled it open... and stared in awe.

    He pulled out a rather nicely sized wad of hundred PokeDollar bills. He took a few moments to count it, then stuttered out a response.

    "... Five t-thuh-thousand PokeDollars," he stammered. "... and there's a note."

    He set down the money on the bed at Volkner's side, then slipped out the note and read it aloud.

    "To cover the hospital bills, and any expenses you may have for a while on travels. I sold some stock to get the money. Don't worry on paying back. Good luck to you two!

    Signed, Ked 'Nap' Abel."

    "... Nice guy," Volkner whispered. Cyrus seemed not to hear him, absorbing in the shock of receiving such a hefty amount of money and all for free. Volkner managed to raise his voice a bit. "So, what happened to y-your Pokemon?" he asked.

    Cyrus looked up, and offered a quick smile. "They're fine, thanks for asking. Your Pokemon, by the way, is inside one of the drawers on the nightstand."

    Volkner nodded.

    The two were silent.


    Volkner stood at the entrance of Floroma Pokemart, a backpack strap on each shoulder, a large blue backpack on his back. A brand new outfit clothed him, the old one ditched due to its wear and tear long since beyond repair. He looked a million times better than he had in days; that probably attributed to the boy who stood beside him. Both of them wore smiles on their faces, and both had the unspoken agreement in their heads.

    The two had the unspoken agreement that they would be travel companions for a while.

    Volkner was stuck in a region which he did not know; the details had been explained to Cyrus in the hospital, and although a bit rattled and sceptic on the supernatural story, he didn't seem to have completely cast the possibility out of his mind. He had told Volkner that he was just as interested in finding answers as he was, if it was true.

    Cyrus was still a bit rattled from his sudden captivity. He felt a travel partner would make him a bit more secure.

    Both depended on each other for now, and neither knew where the hell they would be heading next: but they were both willing to walk off into the sunrise on the horizon and find out.


    Chapter 3 get! Surprise, surprise,
    in comes Jupiter!

    Next Chapter: "Into the Old Chateau!-"
    "No, no, not a good idea. That place is haunted ya know, ya idiots!"

    - EDIT: Just thought about it, would anyone here be interested about being on a PM list? In case you don't know what that is, it's a system where I'd PM you every time a new chapter comes up.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2010
  15. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Whee, late review~! Apologies. Been busy with school, and I finally found a break to sit down and read some stories here. =P

    I always forget to tell you that the nickname "Chuseph" is awesome. Not sure why. That's besides my point, though. I'm actually a little confused on Volkner's position on pokemon. I know in the first chapter, he considered them beasts and disregarded their feelings, but at the same time, he seems to have some trust in them (or he trusts their animal instinct). I figure Volkner doesn't hate pokemon if he wants to be a trainer, but he's not wimpy in regards to trying to be their bff? Something like that? Like maybe a less extreme version of Silver in the games?

    I wouldn't say it's conflicting, but it does get a bit confusing on how much he trusts pokemon, especially with Chuseph as Volkner has voiced his opinion about the "rat" earlier.

    Interesting reactions from both pairs. Wonder who the man reminds Volkner of. And Cyrus' reactions seems Cyrus (serious?) like. I have no idea why I like the way you tacked on that "and Cyrus pitied him" at the end. Maybe cuz it's just simple and ... well, blunt.

    I do think the hair bit after the examination/reaction about the man's face seems a bit out of place, though, mostly because it jumps from the reaction from another set of characters back to character descriptions.

    I'm a bit iffy on the phrase in bold since it's a little messy. You might be better off rearranging it for clarity, like: "the person said, holding a limp Chuseph in his hands as if the pokemon were unconscious" or something.

    I kind of like this guy, though (even though I prolly shouldn't). He seems like a bad *** for a bad guy, especially with his following lines. =P

    I dunno. You depict him kind of scared with the "hesitantly, shakily" lines, along with Cyrus' stuttering a line later:

    Though I do get the rage part, too. Just seems like both fear and anger instead of it just being rage.

    ...Yeah, now that I read further, the "barely afraid at all" line might be a mess up since you later write:

    On a small note, you'd be better off changing the semicolon in red into a dash since you shouldn't be able to (at least grammatically) be able to use a semicolon there.

    Lulz at the name. =P

    Lol, women. *shot*

    Nah, I really like this part since it echos what a lot of people are thinking when their out in public and attention is thrown at them.


    I am wondering if this is a different named Saturn or the same Saturn that we know from D/P/PT. Cuz if it's the latter, I always thought he was younger than Cyrus. That's what it looks like anyway.

    Do you mean Saturn instead of Jupiter? D:

    Liked this part, too, with the way it merged the italic thought with what was really going on and the explanation of Volkner's mindset during the confuse ray. I can't help but wonder how many times Volkner thinks he's going to die by now. First the girl, then the gastly, now all of this? =P Poor kid can't catch a break (though maybe he likes it that way).

    Kay, now I'm officially confused on what this guy is named, lol. Skimming ahead, you switch back to Saturn. Who is he? ;-;

    Lol, love the last line. I imagined it being said gleefully with a "hurrah!" after it.

    Anyway, lots of new revelations in this chapter, like the appearance of Saturn who I'm still a bit confused about in terms of if it's the same Saturn from the various canon or not. I think it is (the u-shaped hair description and all), though I think it's odd to have Cyrus as a kid/teenager while Saturn is being described as a man, or at least appears to be older. Cyrus always looked older than Saturn in his artwork. But ... meh, maybe it's not the same Saturn? Lol.

    You know, I honestly found the duo of Volkner and Cyrus to be a weird one, especially when you introduced them (guess I was stuck on adult Cyrus), but the way you make them interact makes them seem like a good pair. Volkner seems to be a bit rash and hard-headed and snarky while Cyrus is a bit calmer and politer, so it makes a good balance. I liked their interactions near the end the most. I also like them as solo characters; I've already voiced how awesome I think Volkner is, and I think it's interesting to read Cyrus as someone who is somewhat adjusted instead of ... well, you know. Can't wait to read more about their travels.

    I did wonder about Volkner's earlier drug problem as if it would effect him, which I'm not positive if it did or not. He did collapse during his confuse ray stint and couldn't move during it. Was that the drug or the confuse ray?

    You also might want to run this chapter through a spellchecker. There were some typos that could have been caught ("regret" instead of "reget" or "indestructable" instead of "indestructible"). Other than that, this chapter was pretty clean grammatically. =P

    Will be waiting for the next chapter!
  16. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the review as always! Chapter Four is about a fourth of the way done. Another little preview:

    Putting in the dreaded obligatory gym battle of a pseudo-journey fic! EEEK.

    I've also come up with a name for the story I like better!
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2010
  17. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Chapter 4: A Shocking Daydream

    The light crackle of a burning campfire rang through the ears of the two boys as they sat in the clearing, perched upon a hollow log, their faces illuminated by the brightness of the flame.

    The boy on the left side, Volkner, stared into the blaze with a solemn wondering look, as if in the center of the campfire he would find the answers to all the questions that rushed through his mind like a bullet train; who was the girl who took him here; why did she take him here; what would he do now... all sorts of inquiries, and he had the answers to none of them.

    The boy on the right, Cyrus, had noticed this solemn sadness in the eyes of his newly found traveling partner and turned his gaze to look at him silently, as if he wanted to say something but couldn't quite find the words.

    The silence remained for a few more minutes before Cyrus gathered his thoughts and broke the silence.

    "Volkner, I have an idea, if you're willing to go through with it," he said.

    Volkner looked up at Cyrus and nodded, feeling a slight pang of curiousity. "Depends."

    "The Old Chateau," Cyrus responded. "You said that's where you woke up, right?"

    Volkner nodded again. "So you think we should go check it out? See if there's some sort of clue."

    Cyrus nodded, a smile stretching across his lips. "Read my mind."


    The next day, the two trekked through Eterna Forest while hiding in the shade provided by the tall trees. The day, so far, had been relatively uneventful, the most exciting thing being an encounter with a couple of wild Pokemon which Cyrus identified for Volkner as "Buneary"; small brown-furred creatures with large floppy ears. This was the first foreign Pokemon Volkner had ever seen and thus he found himself a bit occupied with thought on the subject.

    As they walked, they finally came upon a clearing larger than the others of the maze-like path in the forest. This one, however, made each of them smile nervously. At their west stood a barracade of trees tightly knit against each other, leaving no room for anyone their size to get through; at their east a clear pathway with no end in sight, but an unusual white fence stemming from each tree. But at their northern side, right in front of them, stood a massive house made from an old-fashioned looking wood. It was a dillapidated old shack, obviously having no one to take care of it at all in the past many years.

    They nodded to each other, and stepped forward.

    "Into the Old Chateau," Volkner said. Suddenly though, a shrill voice rang through his ears.

    "No, no, not a good idea!" the voice cried. "That place is haunted ya know, ya idiots!"

    The two boys turned around to confront their verbal assaultant, only to be met with the sight of a relatively nice looking girl.

    She stood just a bit below Volkner's height, dressed in knee-length khaki shorts, a black blouse and a green cape hung over her shoulders. Her hair was shoulder length and a caramel brown. She stared at them with a piercing green gaze.

    "What tha' heck're you two plannin' 'ta do here at this place?" she demanded sternly. "People've gone in their 'n died, ya'know!"

    Volkner and Cyrus turned their heads for a moment to glance at each other, trying to get some sort of clue that would tell them just what they needed to do. Neither knew, but after a moment Volkner decided to wing it, speaking up.

    "R-really?" he said, purposefully stuttering. "We were just looking for a place to stay for the nuh-night, and this l-looked like a good place.."

    The girl looked bewildered all of a sudden. She glanced over at the old building for a moment, before returninga sceptical gaze to Volkner.

    "Ya really that dumb, buddy?"

    Volkner stared at her like he was hurt by the comment.

    "... Oh, fine. The forest ends not too far from here. Why don'tcha two follow me? I'll show ya a good place in the city."

    Volkner turned to face Cyrus, and saw him nod. Thus it was set: they would follow her.

    "O-okay... what's your name, by the way?" Volkner asked.

    "Call me Gardenia. Yerselves?"

    "I'm Volkner," he said, while pointing at his traveling partner. "And this is Cyrus."

    Volkner turned to look at Cyrus and noticed his gaze was distant, focused upon the building in front of them.


    Eventually, the three reached the end of the maze of trees known as the Eterna Forest. Gardenia had been right when she said it wasn't far from the Old Chateau's location; it had barely been fifteen minutes since they started walking together before they stood where they did now, the small lake in front of them blemished with the reflections of their own bodies as well as the fishermen that sat on the bridge above it, hungrily waiting for Magikarp or Barboach to bite.

    "Almost there," Gardenia said, when suddenly a thought hit her. "Oh, I just realized I never asked... are you guys trainers?"

    Volkner looked at Cyrus and, with the confirmation by nod he*was given,*allowed himself to nod too.

    “Ah, okey then,” she said, a thoughtful tone to her voice. “You guys should be capable of handlin' yerselves from here on, then?”
    The two nodded in unison, thankful to quickly be rid of the pestering girl.

    “Right. I'll see ya later, then – why don'tcha two drop by the Eterna Gym later tommor'a? I'm a trainee there myself and I honestly been urgin' for a fight.”

    In that moment, a flare of excitement was evident in Volkner's eyes, and that was all that Gardenia needed to see to learn that she would be fighting him soon. She grinned, nodded, and walked off.

    Now the two stood alone for a few moments, staring out into the lake as they stared at into their campfire the night before. Volkner broke the silence this time, allowing himself to grin a bit.

    “I want to challenge the gym. Tonight. You gonna come with me, or you gonna rest up?” he asked.

    Cyrus looked at him for a moment, a bit perplexed by the decision – but he had already figured out that Volkner was sort of the impulsive type, so he supposed he shouldn't really question... well, the impulses.

    “I'll rest. Good luck and see you later,” Cyrus responded, and turned to walk off for the Pokemon Center, leaving Volkner to continue to stare out into the lake, thoughts running through his mind like a bullet train – and for once in the past two weeks, nothing negative. It was entirely positive energy.

    He was excited. He felt charged up. Electricity raced through his veins, leaving him almost paralyzed with glee – wait, that wasn't excitement.

    “... You … little … **** ...” Volkner choked out, struggling to bring the force in his leg up to the point where he could kick back and knock back the Pokemon that clung to his leg.

    It was an electric type he recognized through its reflection in the water, but just barely – he had seen it in picture books as a child. It stood just barely at his knee's height, a smug grin upon the lips that sat beneath two prong-like ears. An electrical volt symbol designed into the fur of his chest. An Elekid.

    Finally, he managed it. His leg was dumb and he forced it back with the strength of a young Ponyta, but it was enough to loosen the grip of the electric type on whatever item had been thrust into his leg and send the creature back. As the Elekid was, he could tell the device was yellow and somewhat battery shaped, sending a constant electrical current through his leg. But it was weak, thankfully enough. He reached down and yanked it out.

    “Alright, ya little *******..” Volkner groaned as he turned around to look at the startled Pokemon. “You want your little toy?” He waved the thing around tauntingly, hoping to draw a small fury out of the Elekid.

    He succeeded.

    The Pokemon charged, letting out a primal battle cry in its cute high-pitched voice. “ELEEE...” It leaped up right before colliding into Volkner, and curled its fist back. “KIII- ELEKID!”

    And in that moment, Volkner delivered his own fist right into the Elekid's face, sending it flying back into the grass. Without wasting a moment, his instincts kicked in then – and he slung off his backpack and opened the side compartment which he knew his objective to be in. He pulled out a single sphere, red on top with a white bottom and then pressed his thumb to the center. It expanded and within a second he had tossed his arm forward, trusting his aim to hit the target; it did. Upon bonking the already pained Elekid, the object opened up and sent forth a flash of red light that swallowed the Pokemon and returned it to the inside of the Pokeball.

    It landed on the ground and began to shake.

    One shake...

    Volkner's heart found itself racing, an unusual thing. He ignored it for now, figuring it to be the effects of adrenaline.

    It shook once more.

    As he watched, he also removed a bottle of a yellow liquid from his backpack. He had meant to spray it on his leg in that instant, but he suddenly seemed too focused on the Pokeball, rocking as the Elekid made its last struggles for freedom.

    … A third shake, and then a click.

    Elekid was his.

    And Volkner was unaware that somewhere in the trees, a pair of ocean blue eyes watched him.

    The girl let a small sigh escape her lips as she trudged on through the muddy grass of Pastoria City, listening to the sounds of the city around her. People were talking fast enough so that she imagined that if they had wheels attached to their head, they would speed right on down the highway. As she glanced over to a particularly odd looking man, she couldn't help but giggle at the thought.

    Then her destination came into sight. A small stand with a few barstools sitting in front of a counter, a man with a variety of bottles behind him standing behind it. She approached it and sat down, reaching into a pocket of her coat for money.

    “You hear, man?” one man beside her said to a friend of his. “The Valley Windworks got attacked.”

    “Really?” the friend asked, a bit of shock evident in his voice. “Man, the world these days...”

    Yeah... the girl thought; not because she knew what a Valley Windworks was, but she thought it disgraceful that any place would get attacked.

    “Yeah... held ransom, some dumbasses plotting to con people out of money. But these two kids tried to save it. They failed, but still, kinda admirable, ain't they?”

    “What happened to the kids, man?”

    “Oh, they're fine. One got a little hurt, but he was already hurt and apparently ran from a hospital, so... but I hear he's fine now.”

    I'm glad... she thought.

    “Oh, that's good. Real good people out there these days.”

    “Didn't you just say 'Man, the world today...' or somethin' like that?”


    “Ma'am?” a voice spoke, startling the girl out of her little eavesdropping session. “Can I help you?”

    “Oh...” she muttered, a bit embarrassed. “Right, right. Yes sir, could I order a simple bologna sandwich, some plain potato chips and a glass of ice water?”

    “Coming right up, Miss...”


    “Miss Jasmine.”


    “Oh my,” the attendant said. “Quite the tale... you're sure you're alright? We have a few spare Cheri Berries around here.”

    Volkner smiled slightly, glad the pity card was working. This young little nurse, probably barely over fifteen, was swooning over his little war story and he was loving every second of it. He simply shook his head and allowed himself to limp off.

    He didn't need to do so, but what fun would it be to try this and not fake a little leftover pain?

    He now stood outside the Eterna City Pokecenter, looking out into the city to try and figure the location of the gym – it was evident quickly where it was, as it loomed over the rest of the place. A huge brown-topped building, it was a bit hard to miss amongst the various blue roofs popular in this city.

    He began to walk toward it, hands in his pockets, an excited smile on his face.


    Author's Note: Okay, I apologize for the shortness of this chapter. Won't happen much. I'm just suffering from a bad lack of ideas for this story and I want to get a release in.

    Next time:

    “Pretty impressive guy, sir. Don'tcha think it'd be good if I go with 'im? Some experience, ya'know.”

    “Hey, hey, I never-”

    “Thought I'd give you the honor? Right, right, but you're actually pretty good.”


    “Huh? Cyrus is supposed to be here...”

    “Ya don't s'pose...”

    “Without me?! The *******!”
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2010
  18. Version Five

    Version Five Member

    This story has been one of the better things I've read lately, no joke. I think this could be a very good fanfic. I'm not much of a writer, so I won't try to correct things... but all in all it was very well done. :]
  19. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Before I jump into anything, why is your story littered with asterisks? o_O Example:

    You have got one weird word processor. =P

    Semicolon should be a comma.

    "Er" should be "her." Getting too accustom to Gardenia's accent, hmm? =P

    Well that's ... interesting. o_O

    Tee hee. Liked this bit. Your back-and-forth dialogue is always fun to read.

    Anyway, a bit lazy with the quotes today. Sorry. =P I enjoyed the dialect you gave Gardenia; I like her as a younger character. And a nice tie in to the games with her warnings of the Old Chateau and her fear of ghosts.

    Loved, loved, loved the scene with Volkner and elekid, mostly because I wasn't expecting it and once I got over that initial surprise, I realized, goddamn, that's what Volkner would freaking do. Imagining it in my head gave me the serious case of the giggles, and his cocky "war story" later was just all sorts of amusing. I was a bit worried that the old Volkner was gone given how obedient he was to follow Cyrus's nods and subtle commands, but this scene just redeemed him. So awesomeeee. =D

    So Jasmine's in the picture now. She's an interesting mix with the crass Volkner and the somewhat serious Cyrus (ugh, that could be a pun). I'm already liking how you're portraying her, even if her cameo was short this chapter. Simple (as evident in her lunch order) but kind of sweet as well. I hope we see her again soon.
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2010
  20. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Yay, another fan! Those are always fun things. Glad you liked it, and it means a lot to here that it was one of the better things you've read.

    Thanks for the reviews, you two!
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2010
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