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Sixteen Flavors of Pokemon

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Bigbrother87, Jun 9, 2006.

  1. Bigbrother87

    Bigbrother87 Helping Hand

    So I've tried to write a full fic before, lost it after the first chapter. So now I'm just going to write sixteen different chapters, each about a different pokemon, and each with a different story.

    Since each is a different story, please do critique my writing style so I can make the later ones better, but know that I've already written three chapters so far. I'll post number two after the first one is read for a bit.

    I've spellchecked it, so you shouldn't find many spelling mistakes. Also, let it be known that some will be longer than others.

    That's the intro, now please enjoy story number one.
    Rating is G for this story.


    Bugs are flying around you, but you aren’t worried.

    Even if you can’t see much through the silk covering the weedle made last night to protect you from the rain, the bugs you hear can only be the mature beedrill patrolling around the home tree.

    “It’s a simple life I live,” you think as you lie against the tree trunk. “I stay here all day as the young weedle bring me food, and don’t even have to worry about other pokemon disturbing me with the beedrill standing guard.”

    You’re not lazy, you know that. You did all your hard labor as an immature weedle. Waking each day in your tree-top nest, checking to make sure the kakuna were fine, then going out to forage for edible things. First to feed yourself, then to feed the kakuna back at the tree. No need to hunt for the beedrill, since they did they’re own hunting during the day.

    You also know that when you get strong enough to become a beedrill your life still won’t be easy.

    Having to be alert at all times, checking everything that comes close, be it pokemon, human, or hailstone.
    Not being able to rest, having to fly around, buzzing your wings so fast they start to hurt sometimes. These are not things lazy pokemon do.

    As a weedle pushes some berries toward your mouth, you think of actually being able to see those berry bushes again. Since, when you’re a beedrill you won’t have the time, and it’s something you may not get to do again, you think nostalgically of crawling over to them and picking berries to bring back to the tree.

    At the time you disliked the labor, since you couldn’t figure out then that it’s important to keep your home kakuna happy. But now, relying on the same labor you loathed, you understand why you had to do it oh too well.

    Not being able to move has really changed how you think about work. You now wish you could have crawled that path to the berries a couple more times before spinning your cocoon to evolve.

    But, time for those kinds of wishes has fled. Now you’re left with wanting to evolve again so you can at least see all the stars, instead of just the few you can see at night between the tree limbs.

    You used to sit at the top of the tree for hours, on days when you weren’t too tired, just watching the stars come out.

    A light rain is falling, and the weedle rush to cover your sensitive shell again with thread, so you think of this duty as well.

    You hated having to rush back to the nest to cover the kakuna, having to drop everything to get back here. But, again with maturity, you understand the need of this duty to be performed.

    For without this cover, your shell would get wet, and a wet shell is not a happy shell.

    A wet shell can get fungus, and it’s hard to scratch it sense you can’t move at all. Also a wet shell takes energy to keep warm in, and that energy could go instead to evolving into a beedrill.

    Darkness begins to fall, along with the rain, and you see the weedle come back from the outside world. No beedrill make an appearance though, since they flew in through the top of the tree and you’re at the bottom.

    As they climb past you into the tree top, the weedle check you over to make sure you’re okay.
    Being immobile you can’t check for scrapes in your shell each night, but that’s another job the weedle are good at.

    Full night comes, and with the rain you can’t even see the stars come out.

    With nothing to do, you drift off to sleep, dreaming of berry bushes and the path over to them…..


    So that's story number one, please tell me what you thought.

    I'll be posting story two tomorrow or later today, depends on how many read this first.

    Last edited: Jun 9, 2006
  2. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Hm, this is pretty good. At first I thought it'd be another newb/noob fic, but tbh, this surprised me. And I liked it alot o.o so far you've earned about 3/3 and a half stars. As it feels a bit choppy/rushed but not alot.

    Have nothing else to really say, just keep up the good work.
  3. mewfanforlife

    mewfanforlife Well-Known Member

    It's very well written, and a unique perspective keep it up!
  4. Astinus

    Astinus Well-Known Member

    Another writer who has a knack for second person. You just need to practice it more, like Yami Ryu said, and bring in more description. This means that it was a little short in my eyes. I would have liked to have seen the Kakuna's feelings towards a lot more other thoughts during the day, or even just some expansion of its feelings when the Weedles were doing their activities.

    Other than that, it was a nice story with no mistakes that my English major eyes could catch. (I might suggest to you to read a few fics by the great Saffire Persian, as she is the master of second person POV.)
  5. The Smore

    The Smore Coral Eye Trainer

    That was quite good. It felt a bit samey, but I liked the insight into a Kakunaas life. Keep it up and next time try to have a little more different things happening to it. I will rate when all of them are done
  6. Bigbrother87

    Bigbrother87 Helping Hand

    Wow, thanks for actually critiquing my writing, and the story guys. It's what I asked for, and it's helped.

    To Yami: Coming from you, this is good praise. I agree it was rushed a bit, so I'll work on it.

    To mewfanforlife: Thanks, and I'm trying to use pokemon hardly used or written about, so I can do unique stories about them.

    To Hanoko: Yep, I could have done that in retrospect. but it's already written, and instead I'll do better in future ones. I also agree that Saffire Persian is a master at second person, and I adore her Metamorphosis stories. Actually, reading those again inspired me to write these in second person, so it's nice to see that it's working out.

    Finally, to Smore: Thanks, and more things happen to the next pokemon, so don't worry.

    Next story coming in the following post, so enjoy.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2006
  7. Bigbrother87

    Bigbrother87 Helping Hand

    Here's story number two.

    More things happen, I'm sure I got more descriptive, and I'm hoping it doesn't feel rushed this time.

    Rating, just so people can't say I don't have one, is G


    “Darkness is my friend,” you think as you perch on the roof of a building, “so why am I out at this hour?”

    You think the humans call this city Celadon, but being a bird you couldn’t care less what they name things. To you, this is only City-with-tall-perches-and-nice-smelling-gym.

    With the rising sun at your back, you look around the alley below. You remembered why you’re up at this crazy hour.

    While flying back to your wonderful nest under the eaves of the Pokemart, you had seen a glint of something down in this alley. Unfortunately, when you dove down for a better look, you lost it in the partial gloom when you dipped too low. So that’s why you’re sitting on this building waiting for another flash of light to tell you where it is.

    You know that getting another flash from it is unlikely, but, with your weakness for shiny things, you can’t help but hope it might shine again.

    With the sun climbing into the sky, it’s getting kind of warm on the roof top. You finally decide to give up and go home, when it flashes again.

    As you lift off using your dark colored wings, you try to figure out how it could have flashed again without it moving. Dipping down into the shadows between the buildings, you finally decide that some radio antenna moved to flash some light down this alley, therefore shining light on this object you hope to find.

    Checking what’s in this alley as you float down, you note three garbage cans, one pile of junk, and one half full dumpster. Since the flash came from behind the dumpster, you’re curious as to what might be in there before letting your guard down.

    Landing on the edge of the dumpster, you poke your beak near one of the bags inside. Since all you smell is the almost overpowering stench of rotting food, you figure it should be safe to check behind it.

    Hopping off the edge of the dumpster to the ground, you hobble over behind it on your three clawed feet. Since they aren’t to good for walking, just grabbing ledges and prey, you have to hobble, no matter how stupid you look while doing it.

    All you see at first is another garbage bag, and your hopes plummet. But wait, there, on top of the bag. It looks like a golden trinket, round and thin.

    Since this would be perfect for your nest, as a decoration if nothing else, you hop over quickly to grab it in your beak.

    As you’re moving to the top of the bag, you wonder at the soft texture of the stuff inside it. Then, as you lean down to grab the thing, you almost think you feel movement from within, but that’s impossible.

    Grabbing the trinket in your beak, you attempt to lift it up, but meet resistance from something holding it down. You try pulling harder, and suddenly the bag explodes under you with a sound very much like “MEOWTH!”

    You’re thrown against the back of the dumpster by the force of it, so hard you see stars for a bit. When you can see straight again you look back towards the bag, and are shock at what you see.

    Standing where just a moment ago there was a just garbage bag, is a cat just over a foot tall, with the supposed trinket attached to it’s forehead, and looking at you as if you insulted it‘s mother.

    As this pokemon moves toward you, you assess you’re options. With the dumpster so close to the wall behind it, you can’t take off without risking a scratching. So the only thing left to do is….

    You push off from the dumpster with all the force you can muster, charging the meowth with your beak forward in a peck attack.

    He wasn’t expecting this, and you hit him hard when you collide together. You hop up as fast as you can to take flight, but it’s not fast enough. He scratches your underbelly as you get past him, and then starts to get to his own feet to do it again. You don’t give him the chance.

    Extending all of your feathers as far as they will go, you stretch yourself up, look the meowth in the eyes, and screech your name as loudly as you can in an astonishing attack.


    As the meowth is recovering, you take wing and leave the alley behind you. You lament the wasted morning as your flying over the city, and promise yourself you’ll never be taken in by shiny things ever agai…..

    "Hey, what’s that down there?" You think when you see something below, "A flash coming from that alley too?" As you dip to the left on the breeze, you hope you can catch another glint so you don’t have to waste the afternoon waiting for another one...

  8. The Smore

    The Smore Coral Eye Trainer

    <Yay first post !>

    That was very good ! I loved the murkrow being tricked by a meowth - I had no idea that there was a meowth in there - really great. The begining (sp?) seemed a little rushed

    “Darkness is my friend,” you think as you perch on the roof of a building, “so why am I out at this hour?”

    You think the humans call this city Celadon, but being a bird you couldn’t care less what they name things. To you, this is only City-with-tall-perches-and-nice-smelling-gym.

    With the rising sun at your back, you look around the alley below. You remembered why you’re up at this crazy hour.

    It seems like a bit of a cheap way to start the story. But it made me laugh :D And I loved the repetition at the end, just as it swore it would never be fooled a gain XD

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