Somewhere in Sinnoh(PG-13)

[Lucariofan-atic]

First fan-fics in sppf ^-^
Rate PG-13 because there are some battle scenes that may involve little blood.
Chapter 1: Feelings of Insecurity
Darn it… how I explain it to father..?! Looks like he’s really angry to my brother, Latios. He said that Latios have to return a payment to my mother. I wonder what is Latios fault. I have do nothing in the last 2 hours. He won’t listen to me about what I think. Latios is a kind and generous brother.
-2 hours ago-
“Father, don’t force Rayquaza-kun to take the throne! If Latios-san come back here, all the problems should be solved, right?” I ask.
“Latias…how many times I should say it to you?! Your brother won’t ever come back here! He must pay to me about what he done to your mom.” Arceus shouted. He looks really angry with him.
Then, he leave me and Rayquaza alone.
-This time-
“Just ignore that old buddy, sis.It’s useless to debate with him. That will give us nothing.” He said. Looks like he was very pessimist with this thing.
“But, Rayquaza-san.. if we don’t told him… he won’t ever hear us! Brother! Maybe there’s only 1 percent hope… but there’s still 99 percent chance left to told him! C’mon! Let’s keep trying! Maybe he want to heard about what I said!” I coaxed him to keep telling Arceus if Latios-san will come back here, even if that thing is quite impossible.
Rayquaza said to Latias,” Okay, fine, fine! Let’s do it later,ok? And, hey, looks like there’s a package out there. It’s a Pelipper!”
In this village, we use Pelippers to deliver many things.So, they’re really useful in our lives.
And, when I see the package.. it’s a katana.” Rayquaza-kun! It’s from Gallade! This is a Moonlit katana, right? Why you ordered this one..?” I ask.
Rayquaza-kun looks really confused.
“Huh? No, I’m not order that one. I order the Death Rebellion sword to Gallade. That’s Darkrai. That sword will boost Darkrai’s both speed and attack when he use it in the fullmoon night.” He answered.
Then I look he get ready to fly. “Hey! Where are you want to go to?”
“No-nothing. Just refreshing my mind.” He answered. But, I don’t expect that was my last conversation with him.
-After 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, until 2 months…-
“Where’d you go..?! Rayquaza-kun..!!!” I shouted. I really mad with him. And I was the dumb one because I believe in such words like that. And I hear someone knock the door.
“There’s a letter for you! Latias!” one of my maids shout from the outside.
I hope that was a letter from Rayquaza-kun! But.. looks like my hope was vanished. Even that was a letter from Rayquaza-kun, I just, I just can’t believe in that letter!
Dear Latias,
I’ve searched your brother Latios right now. Sorry, really sorry from my deepest feelings because I lie to you. I feel really guilty to myself, but… It’s too late.
If I let you follow me, you might have a same fate with me. I have to get a payment for my actions. For now I can only watch you from above.
Yours Truly,
Rayquaza
“ A… above?!” I think. That means, he died?!
Then, that news was spread quickly to the village, and now all the pokemons have to discuss that thing in the last 2 months.
****
-In Gallade’s weapon Shop-
“Rayquaza died?!” a customer there shouted. Looks like he really surprised about that.
“Yes, that’s true. I also really surprised to that thing.” Gallade said. He’s really busy because there are so many customers in his weapon shop.
“And, hey, do you know about this? I hear from Latias-chan herself if that letter also have a little blood in the top of the letter.” One of the customers, Cresselia said.
“That means Rayquaza is killed by someone.. but who?” continued one of the buyer, Lucario.
“Meh, I can’t believe it! Rayquaza is so kind and generous! Why someone want to kill him, though? That was a silly thing to do.” Gallade said. “And, Lucario, how’s that Charon Grudge’s sword that you’ve ordered? It’s nice and strong, huh?” he continued.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s really nice!” that Lucario answered. He look into that long, big and sharp sword that he hold.” But it’s really expensive, about 95,000 pokedollars. I even need to save my cash for 5 months until I can buy this one. Now my cash was really empty right now. Only to buy this sword.”
Then, Gallade shouted suddenly,” Ah..! Finally! I finished it! Behold to the newest and the first sword that made from the jewels! I have to make it in the last 2 months!” All the customers and the buyers there were very surprised to him.
“Hey! Don’t startled me like that!” a Swellow said.
“That was a fancy-looking sword, is it?” Gallade’s girlfriend, Gardevoir, said.
Gallade nodding his head. Then, he pick a piece of paper, and he writes:
-New Item!-
30% discount only for this week! Shining Glaze sword!
Feature:~ Made from the best quality white diamond, white gold, aquamarine,and sapphire~ Easy-to-use, long, durable sword~Elegant but deathly sword!~Sold at 259,000 pokedollars!
Then, he put that sword in the right corner of the shop. He usually place a sword or katana in the right corner for the new items.
****
Latias has flown really fast this time.”I must fast this time because there’s something really, really bad!” she said to herself. Phew! Finally! I arrived here! In Gallade’s weapon Shop! No wasting time like usual. Then I open the door really fast, and I just say it.
“Gallade-san! Gardevoir-chan! There’s something really bad here! Okuyama Mountain…” I’m really tired because I have to fly just now, plus about this big problem… I feel I (almost) can’t say anything. “What’s wrong with Okuyama Mountain, Princess Latias?” Gardevoir ask nicely. She’s really curious about this thing. “There are some massive explodes in the Okuyama Mountain! It sounds like this: ‘KA-BOOMMM!!!’ like that! Yeah, like that!” I shouted like a crazy people here. Okuyama Mountain is really close from this village. It’s only 10 kilometres! That’s why I really panic about this thing. “That’s really terrible!” Gallade shouted.
“Don’t lying to us! We haven’t smelt anything like smokes or something like that!” Cresselia said. She not believe in Latias words. Latias lost her patient. “Why I must lie to you? See it if you not believe in me!” she shouted. Then, Cresselia see it from the window. And.. Latias was right, there are black smokes in the top of Okuyama Mountain. “Damn it… she’s right! Okuyama Mountain is want to explode! This place is no longer safe for us now…” Cresselia said. Her voice almost can’t go out.
After that, all the pokemon there screams loudly. Of course they have no much time to prepare for this big problem. They know that their life will be taken forever and ever.
“I not want to die now!” a 2 weeks old Eevee scream. “I’m too young to die!” a Golduck shouted. “And I’m too handsome(?) to die!” Lucario shouted.
“BE QUIET, ALL OF YOU!!!!” Gallade-san shouted very loudly, until all the pokemon there were quiet in a second.
“Let us think of it in a positive way. NOT NEED to such in a rush.” He said. “Anyway, Latias, what should we do now?” he continued. Latias is thinking of it. “Maybe this thing is quite impossible to do, but.. do you all want to do a favor to me? Let’s evacuate all the pokemons in this village.” She said calmly. Of course, that way of thinking makes all the pokemon there surprised. “What the..?! That was the silliest thing that I’ve ever heard from your mouth! We not have much time to do it!” Gallade shouted. “Just do what I say! Evacuate, all of ‘em! C’mon! For our life! OUR LIFE!!!!” Latias shouted. ”She’s silly!” an Ampharos said. ”She’s lost control!” a Machamp shouted. “She’s crazy!” a Mr. Mime said.
“So? Is she going crazy, guys?” Gallade joked. “Oh, better you zip your noisy mouth and do what I say! And for Gallade-san. This is not a right time to joke!” Latias shouted. “Come on, lets save all the pokemon here, no matter what!” Gardevoir said. And, yeah, now the mission… begins!
-To be Continued-

 

[Pokemaniac Erika]

Nice opening
How about write the Indonesian version on PIF?
Kidding! You already have two fan-fic there, so there's no need to write another one.

 

[Lucario0708]

one problem

always start a new paragraph each time a different person speaks

example:

"Oh, no!" Golduck shouted.
"Oh, yes!" Shouted darkrai.

and Lucario would NOT act like that, "I'm too handsome to die!"

~Biggest Lucario fan ever, Lucario0708

 

[Lucariofan-atic]

Chapter 2: Running Away
“Now, the female pokemon and the kids are the priority!” Gallade said. “We have no time to save our wealth, but at least we still have time to save the other thing, the most important thing: all the pokemon lives!” he continued. What I (Latias) need right now is to go to Giratina’s Jet-Plane Shop!
“Giratina-san! I need your help right now! See? Okuyama Mountain want to explode, right? We need your TorpedoJet-Plane right now!” I shouted really fast.
“ Better if you use this one! The new Danger-Mission…” he not finished his word, but I not have more time. “Whatever! I borrow this one, okay? If there are something wrong with this plane, I will return the payment to you! See ya!” I said.
“Hey, Latias..! Wait! I follow you! I will lead your way to use it! I also not want to die here!” he said.
Yup, that Jet-Plane was quite big to carry all the pokemon out here. When I come in, there are some machine parts that I never seen before. They’re look complicated. And it’s all white here.
“Giratina-san! How if I want to turn this jet-plane on..?” I ask. ”Ah, just click that switch on! Hold it on until it turns green!” he answered.
And, yeah of course, because he knows all about this plane, that machine turn on! “Now, how to control this machine?” I ask. Yeah, I’m not so smart in the latest technology, or somewhat thing like that. I’m great at cooking (read: eating). “See the wheel in the front of you, right? Nah, if you want to turn right, just turn it right. And, if you want to turn left, just turn the wheel left. To boost your speed, step that pedal, if you want to decrease the speed, just just remove your feet slowly until you get the speed that you want!” he continued. “Thanks, Giratina-san! Now, let’s go!” I thanked him.
And, we flown over the village (this village is called Kamitana village) now. It’s really a beautiful scenery out there. I never fly this high before, and now I understand why all pokemon always say that the scenery from above is really great. And now I don’t realize that this jet plane almost crash an another jet-plane in front!
“Whoa, Latias! Watch out!! In front of us..!” Giratina-san screams. It’s Arceus! Dad?! Why he’s here now?
“Latias! Giratina-san! Let’s save all of them!” he said. “Alright,dad!” I said. After 2 hours later, and whew, Giratina-san’s jet-plane, Danger-Mission, and my dad’s jet-plane, Origin Shadow, can accommodate all the pokemon in this village! Thank goodness! But now there’s only one problem. Where are we going right now? We can’t to cross our village boundaries itself! We need a protector shield to cross it. But.. protector shield is quite small, it’s not enough to cover the jet-planes!
But, it’s too late. When we cross the protector, we can’t find a way to cross it. And, I can see some jolts of the electricity, and, the bad thing is.. it hits the machine! The jet-plane is burnt!
“KYAAA!!!!!” Gardevoir-chan screamed.
“All the water pokemons.. please use your power to extinguish the fire! The pokemon who can fly, save the other on who can’t fly! Now!” Gallade shouted.
That was the hard part: extinguish the fire, and also save the other pokemons that can’t fly. But since I can use the move water pulse, I can do both (since I can fly too). But that’s hard. Really, really hard. No! It’s bigger and bigger, until I feel all is black in my eyes…
♪♪♪
When I waked up, I feel that I’m in a soft mattress. And, when I see.. yes. It’s true. I’m in a fancy looking mattress, and I see some luxuries there. Even there is a chandelier above me. It’s shining beautifully. Then, I saw a beautiful looking girl come in. She’s beautiful, with a long, turquoise hair, and wears a dress with a lot of lace. Like a gothic lolita looking fashion.
“Hey, looks like that pokemon awaked.” She said.
“Really? Thank goodness!” the another people shout over there. Looks like this second one is a girl, too. “Odi, how’s that Latias? Is she wounded?” she ask. This girl is beautiful, too, but not as beautiful as the first one. Looks like they’re a nice person, not like the other pokemons that say if humans are bad, or humans are wicked, and something else like that.
“Who are you?” I ask to both of them. “I’m Oddiselle Pinot, just call me Odi.” The first one said. “I’m Yume-Hime, usually people call me Yume.” The second one said. “And where are you come from?” she continued.
“I’m from the Kamitana village.” I just answered.
“Kamitana village? That’s close to the fire emblem cave, right?” Odi ask.
I just say,”Yes.” And looks like only that thing that I could say. But the main question is: Where am I? I never see a place that as beautiful as this, covered with a field of blooming flowers, a snowy mountain, a little foggy place. Just wonderful here. “This is in the Okuyama Mountain. But the hidden part one. While the other people thinks that Okuyama Mountain is a scary place to live, they don’t know the hidden part one is really beautiful as this.” Odi said.
Okuyama Mountain?!
“But.. Okuyama Mountain is have an eruption, right?!” I ask, very surprised. I don’t understand what’s happened. “Yes, that’s right, but that is only for the not hidden part ones. But the hidden part ones have to sprout ice crystals from the top of it, not the lava. It’s really a magic, right?” Yume said. “How you can find me out? And, Okuyama Mountain has a strong protector on the both side, right?” I ask again.
“If we use this necklace, we’ll be fine. And we also wear that necklace to you, so you can freely get out from here, if you want.” Yume continued. And, yes, I see a necklace with a beautiful pendant. It shaped like a rose flower. Looks like it was made from white pearl. “That necklace was our family legacy. It’s like a symbol. Our big sister has one of it, but it’s black. And I don’t know why we have the white colour but she’s not. Maybe that necklace was cursed. When our family give it to us, all of them is white. No black colours.” Yume said, there is an angry tone in her words. After she says that, we hear someone play a violin.
“That sound! It’s…” Odi says. “That black rose princess!” Yume whispered. Now, what’s happened again..? Aww..there are too events that occur this day
“Better we fled away as fast as we could!” Odi gives an idea. Yume just say,” Genius.” And they sent out their flying type pokemon,Odi sent out her Skarmory, while Yume sent her Altaria down. And we have to fly away.. to somewhere…
“Hey! Where are we going to?” I ask.
“To our real house! In Zevelin village!“ Yume shouted. Huh? Of course I really confused. Looks like Odi knows if I confused, then she just say emotionlessly, ”…This is only our family’s villa. That black rose princess.. is our big sister, so she knew our hiding place, afterall.. if I don’t tell her..!” She is blamed herself. If she don’t tell her big sister, maybe all of these not happened.
“No! Odi! Odi!! Stop your actions! It’s useless to blame yourself! Now we can just let that thing happened! Now, we just go to that old man! Maybe he knows how to get the power of the legendary pokemons! Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina! That three legendary pokemon, Odi! That was the only way to stop black rose princess! Trust me! “ Yume shouted.
Dialga, looks like I’ve heard that pokemon somewhere? The one who say it is… Rayquaza? He says that pokemon is the pokemon who controls the flow of time, while the other one, which is called Palkia, is said to be the ruler of space, and Giratina.. with some of my memories…
"Nah, there is he! My grandfather!” Odi shouted.
And I see a wise, kind old man over there. I hope that we can depend on him or something else like that.
-To be Continued-

 

[Diddy]

OW MY EYES!

Seriously. Sort out this text block.

"Speech" description of speech plus added extra bit afterwards

"Reply" description of reply and perhaps physical response

Then you can have

Paragraph

Another Paragraph

Using this kind of layout will:

1) Make more people actually want to read it

2) Make it look more professional

3) Make it longer

So it's a VERY good idea to lay it out like that.

As for the actual story. It's really confusing things happen WAY too fast, I can't sense any emotion coming through and your characters are all way too bland.

I suggest re-writing these first two chapters, heeding the layout advice and making it so your characters are well rounded and believable and that you are describing locations and objects and people and pokemon and try TRY to get emotion into your writing. Believe me it makes the readers care more for the characters and want to continue reading.