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*Song of the Ocean* (Short one-shot)

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~Phanpy~

Guest
Well, here is a one shot. I KNOW IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY DIALOGUE!!! but thats how i wanted it. it is short i know, but i like it that way....

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Song of the Ocean

Silence.

The vast expanse of the ocean drifted on forever. The water still, not an inch of movement. It was peaceful for a minute, but once that minute had finished, all hell broke loose.

The waves suddenly rose, crashing down with force unseen by anyone or anything in the world. Clouds gathered quickly, forming a thunderous ball in the sky. Lightning struck the water whenever it could, sending a surge of electricity through the water, shocking anything in its path.

In the middle of this, floated a tiny boat. It was being thrown around the ocean like an unwanted toy, waves crashing down over the top of it, as if it weren’t even there.
Upon this boat sat a child. His eyes wide with fear, he sat huddled in the safest corner of the boat, his lifejacket tightly strapped to his body.

He was about seven, and quite short for his age. His eyes were a pale blue, almost like a crystalline reef. His hair a dusty blonde, uncombed for many days. He was Joshua.

His face spoke only one emotion. Fear. Eyes bulging, mouth wide open. He was at the mercy of the ocean, and he knew that.

The storm continued. Thunderous roars erupted in the sky, brilliant flashes of light lit up the horizon. Rain poured down harder than ever before. Something was unsettled, something was angry.

The boat continued getting thrown about, waves continuously crashing down on top of him. Joshua was drenched, not a single thread of cotton was dry. The boat was filling up with water, quicker than Joshua could get rid of it.

He began to cry.

Tears ran down his face, falling softly into the salty ocean water that was quickly overtaking the boat. He was going to die.

Joshua sat down, giving up all hope. He was going to die. He couldn’t stop that happening. He sighed, looking at the ocean water filling his boat. Then, all of a sudden…

The storm stopped. The clouds had gone quicker than they had come, the sea had returned to its calm, still ways. It was as if nothing had happened.

Joshua breathed heavily, relieved that he had somehow survived the storm. He stood up, looking around. The ocean was silent, not a noise heard, until…

The most beautiful song he had ever heard drifted across the ocean, calming the sea even more. Joshua sat down again, and began to hum the tune. Slowly, he fell to sleep.

Slowly, softly, follow me…

Drifting closer, closer forever….

We are here now, do not cry…

Sleep, sleep until the night passes…

Listen, listen to our song….

The song of the ocean…


Joshua suddenly woke. He had somehow fallen asleep. Rubbing his eyes, he stood up slowly, and found that his boat was beached in white sand. He turned to see four black shapes swim back into the ocean, disappearing forever…

Joshua left the boat, standing on the land. He began to repeat the song that he had heard.

Slowly, softly, follow me…

Drifting closer, closer forever….

We are here now, do not cry…

Sleep, sleep until the night passes…

Listen, listen to our song….

The song of the ocean…


He smiled, and left the beach, the last line stuck in his mind. He knew what they had been.

The song of the Wailmer.

The song of the ocean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Phanpy~ ;231;
 

Mouse Tourmaline

Lost Cause Defender
That is just plain beautiful. How come people can write and get more into one page than I can into five? I like your description of the child, it makes you wonder why he was on his own. I doubt I'll look at Wailmer in the same way again.
 
S

Shiny Umbreon

Guest
That was great. The description, the sing, everything. Like Mouse, I doubt I'll look at Wailmer (Or Wailord) at the same way again.
 

StellarWind

The Sylvan Saber
I liked this quite a lot... It was all quite beautiful.

Good one-shots are difficult to come by...
 
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~Phanpy~

Guest
woo-hoo! people actually like it, i thought is was bad, but hey, i'm the author...

~Phanpy~ ;231;
 

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
Oh, it's short! You have no idea how little 'short and sweet' means to the people here. I scanned your reviews, and I'm hoping you can be a lesson: thousands of big words usually mean less than ten small ones.

In the middle of this, floated a tiny boat.

Hn, I don't think you need that comma.

His eyes wide with fear, he sat huddled in the safest corner of the boat, his lifejacket tightly strapped to his body.

Ehh, you tried to do too much here. Make the second comma a period, and tack in a 'was' after 'lifejacket'. Then it'd be quite nice.

His eyes were a pale blue, almost like a crystalline reef. His hair a dusty blonde, uncombed for many days.

I'd connect these with an 'and'.

The boat was filling up with water, quicker than Joshua could get rid of it.

I'd get rid of this comma, too.

---

Well, that was very nice. I'd really like to compliment you on the tone, and I think I will. You had me feeling so bad for Joshua when he started crying that even over-emotional me was a tad surprised.

This was very well done. And back to what I first said, it takes more skill to say a lot in a few words than a little in many. You had a few grammar flubs, but nothing too serious-- just be careful about comma use and not to over-us the sentence fragments (on the same note, beware of run-ons).

Good job. If you're the sort that likes numbers, 9/10-- 4.5/5.
 
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~Phanpy~

Guest
Act- Thanks for the spell check, lol, and i fixed it up. grammar isn't really my strong point at school...

~Phanpy~ ;231;
 

bobert12345

Rainbow Trainer
Good

I'm not quite sure why he/she was concentrating on your spelling and use of punctuation when he/she should've been blinded by the beauty of the story. Although I like a good spell check update from a viewer, I was just really shocked at him/her for posting something negative on this wonderful page. I give you two thumbs up now that you did your editing thanks to him/her and I look forward to seeing another wonderful on-shot by you.
 

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
I'm not quite sure why he/she was concentrating on your spelling and use of punctuation when he/she should've been blinded by the beauty of the story. Although I like a good spell check update from a viewer, I was just really shocked at him/her for posting something negative on this wonderful page. I give you two thumbs up now that you did your editing thanks to him/her and I look forward to seeing another wonderful on-shot by you.

Well, if something is great, why not make it better?
 

bobert12345

Rainbow Trainer
Good point

Good point I totally agree with you but still I think this fic was so beautiful that you really should have PMd him/her instead of (for lack of another word) messing up his/her thread. That's just my opinion though. The funny thing is I came back to read it again because I was just so shocked how this one-shot could be so great.
 

Dragonfree

Just me
It's not "messing up" the thread.

Anyway, I must say I liked it too. The tone was well done, as Act said. You made Wailmer into something beautiful rather than the dorky, clumsy whales that they are in the eyes of most people. Joshua's fear was well done.

The grammar did subtract from it, though. But nice. Very nice.
 
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~Phanpy~

Guest
bobert12345- thanks for your comment, but i do not mind if people point out mistakes, i don't call it messing it up, but whatever, everyone has their own opinion. Oh, and thanks for reading it again too.

Dragonfree- Thankyou for reviewing it! I think that one-shots are more my 'forte' than chaptered fics, so maybe i'll do these from now on!


EDIT- Changed a few more minor grammar errors.

~Phanpy~ ;231;
 
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StrayedBullet

OMFG................
Nicely done ~Phanpy~, Act pointed out all the errors I could see. Remember, short and sweet!

-SB ;001;
 

~*Myuu the Ryuu*~

The epitome of grace
*sniff* that was BEAUTIFUL!!!!
i doubt i can ever look at wailmer as the fatsos of the sea again....
gonna rate this a five!
 
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