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Soul's Song(PG13 I guess)

E

~Emy!

Hello world!
Okay, this is my first attempt at a fanfic so... here it is.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A girl walked down the hallways of her school. She was heading to lunch. She had purple
hair tied in a long ponytail with some left dangling over her right eye. She smiled at the
thought of being with her friends. She had a few, true, but they were very dear to her.
They had been friends since before she could remeber.

As she sat down with her friends she noticed something different about
them. They didn't take notice of her as they would if it was a normal day, but today
something was wrong. She stared at them for a reaction. The reaction she got was far
from what she had hoped." Hey, what are you looking at? We don't like it when people
stare!" She gaped at them in horror; her friends would never, +ever+ talk to her like that.
She was about to say their names but then thought again. What -were- there names?
Were they really her friends, or something else? Maybe she was at the wrong table. Yet,
something told her these were her friends even though she hardly recognised them.
She thought again, had they been her friends? She shook her head to free herself of
these thoughts. She had been having wierd dreams lately too. She had dreamt of both
hideous and beautiful things. Of strange things that blew fire or called meteors down
to Earth. Of things with great power to destroy the world or to save it. From what she
did not know. What was going on? She had never seen these creatures that blew fire.
Nor of those that called the meteors.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
She was walking home now. Her jeans wet from the rain. She wore a green
shirt and a white jacket. She had a yellow backpack slung over her shoulder. Her usual
bright brown eyes were now dull from the thoughts in her head. She walked along the
street stumbling occasionally. Then it started. The flashbacks of her whole life. She had
had a rather nice life, but these flashbacks were not of the good memories. Oh no,
these were of the dark memories hidden in the depths of her mind. Of the times she
had told her brother she hated him, or of the time grampa died. He had been the whole
world to her besides her friends. Some of them were of the lies her parents had
conjured up to explain why grampa no longer visited. "Oh, he's just gone on a long trip."
"He's probably buying lots of things for you." Or her personal favorite her brother had
told her. "He doesn't care about you. Never has, never did." They all came rushing back
with surprising vividness. They came back stronger this time. Stronger than the other
times. But this time came visions of hideous and beautiful creatures. The fire-breathers
or the meteor-callers. All of them.

Then she heard a voice. She could not tell where it was coming from, or
wether it was even human. It sounded distorted like it was coming from behind a wall.
WHO ARE YOU it said. DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. It kept repeating it over and over.
A high-pitched ring filled her head, the memories were flashing faster and faster. She
tried to cry out but couldn't. She fell to her knees and put her hands over her ears as if
that would make it stop."Stop it."She managed to mutter.Faster and faster the memories
flashed, the ringing grew, the phrase repeated over and over now slurred together with the
ringing.Thoughts raced through her mind, She murmured feebly under her breath. "Stop it."
It didn't stop though.WHOAREYOU-lies-DOYOUKNOWWHOYOUARE-so many lies-WHOAREYOU-the pain-DOYOUKNOWWHOYOUARE-the pain!-"Stop it!"She cried as she collapsed to the ground.

She began to black out. before though she thought she saw a black
cloak. Am I dying? She thought before becoming unconscious.

Darkness
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
-;302;
 
Last edited:
E

~Emy!

Hello world!
Okay chapter 2 is up. Here it is.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When she woke up she was in a strange place. The area was a milky white with the faint
outline of trees in the background. She was floating in midair, kept in place by a strange
force. She then saw the black cloaked man. All she could see was his mouth muttering
strange words. He looked up at her and smiled. "Good luck." He muttered sadly. He raised
his hand and suddenly Kyumi glowed with a million different colors. He clenched his fist
and pulled. The glow came off her and became just dancing colors. Her body then went
limp.
"So beautiful..."He murmured. "I'm so sorry."
He took out a strange bottle and suddenly the colors were sucked inside. He put the bottle
away and took out another bottle. When he opened it black and purple colors came from it.
They danced in the air a moment before rushing towards Kyumi's lifeless body. She glowed
for moment then all at once, as if waiting for this wings sprang from her back. On her right
side black demon wings, on her left white angel wings. Her eyes shot open for a few seconds
to reveal blood red eyes then closed. He gazed at her. He was actually rather young, his skin
was a deep brown.
"I'm so, so terribly sorry" The man said as a tear ran down his face.
He unclenched his fist and waved it. The wings folded up and disappeared. He moved his
hand downward and a gaping hole appeared below Kyumi. He clenched his fist again and then
unclenched sending Kyumi plummeting into it's depths.

Falling, falling, falling...-lies-...darkness...WHO-so many lies-ARE YOU?...falling...-the
pain-...darkness...-the pain!-
A scream resonated across an empty beach. Where am I? She
thought. It was nightyime in this strange place. She heard cries of creatures she didn't know
of. The beach was lined with trees, a cave in the distance and off to one side the ocean.
She got up and nearly tripped on the black cloak she was now wearing. Then she wondered
how she had gotten here. Last she had remembered seeing a man in a black cloak. As she was
wondering there was a rumbling. As she squinted to see what it was she saw a great many
rocks moving towards her. But were they rocks? She thought she saw arms on them... And
what was that? it was a small purple creature running from the rocks. As they got closer
she realized the creatures had not only arms but faces too! They looked angry as if the purple
creature had done something awful. The rock creatures tried to trample the poor purple creature
underneath their stampede but the purple creature seemed unhurt. As they got closer she could see all the
details on the rock creatures now.
She was immobilized by fear. If she didn't move she would
surely be trampled. But then again this might be just a dream and when she woke up she would
be at home in bed. The rock creatures were dangerously close now. In just a few moments they
would be upon her. She tried to run but only got a few feet when they converged on her.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
So what do you think?
 
Y

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
THE BASICS

-----------------------------------------------------------------

As I have read the various works posted on this board, I have noticed many of the same problems over and over. Here are some general guidelines to follow when writing your fics:

1) Proper Use of the Keyboard.
There are several useful keys on the keyboard:

Enter/Return: This is one of the most useful keys. Use it whenever you have finished with one idea and are ready to move on to the next paragraph. Use it when one person has finished speaking, and another is about to start. When doing so, hit it twice, to produce a blank line between paragraphs. This makes it a lot easier for your readers to tell where your paragraphs start and end. Large blocks of uninterrupted text are hard to read.

Shift: Another important key. Hold it down when typing the first letter of a sentence, the first letter of a name, or the letter 'I' when using it as the first person singular subject pronoun.

Caps Lock: Often used as a substitute for the 'Shift' key. Don't do it. Text should not be in all capital letters unless someone is SHOUTING!

The Spacebar: Hit it once after every word or comma, twice after a period.

Tab: Unfortunately, this does not work to indent paragraphs on these boards. This is why a blank line between paragraphs is essential.

Other Keys: Your keyboard, unless it is defective, comes with a full complement of letters. Don't be afraid to use them. There is no reason to type 'u' instead of 'you', or indeed to use any abbreviation you learned in a chat room. There is no penalty for taking a few seconds longer to type complete words.

--------------------------------

2) Tips on Composition.

Paragraphs: Use these as your basic unit of composition. Each paragraph should be used to set forth a single idea. If a paragraph seems to long, it probably contains multiple ideas, and should be split up for clarity. If it seems too short, expand on the idea.

Sentences: A sentence should contain exactly one action or statement of existence. If it contains more than one, split it into two or more. If it contains less than one, finish the sentence. Run-on sentences are often confusing, while fragments make the reader feel that something is missing.

Description: Make sure that your reader can visualize what is happening. Don't just say something like "Joe walked along enjoying the scenery". This gives no indication of whether the scenery he is enjoying is a redwood forest, a beach at sunset, or the Grand Canyon.

A description is not just a list of attributes. When describing a character, don't just list their name, age, height, weight, hair colour, and current pokemon team. Bring this information out gradually when the person appears in a story.

Don't have Joe meet a trainer named Fred who is 12 years old, has green eyes and red hair, is three and a half feet tall, and whose pokemon are squirtle, pikachu, butterfree, grimer, tauros, and krabby. Have Joe see a short, red-haired kid with startlingly green eyes, and talk to him. Have names mentioned early in the conversation. The pokemon may be either revealed in a battle, or introduced individually during the conversation.

-------------------------------

3) Other General Advice

Plot: Try to be original. "Joe is 10 (or 11 or 12) years old and about to start his pokemon journey. He goes to Professor (insert tree here) and gets a (insert pokemon here)" has been done too many times already. "Joe is a 10-year-old from Pallet Town and about to start his pokemon journey. He accidentally sleeps in, and by the time he gets to Professor Oak's lab, all the starters have been taken, so he gets a Pikachu" is so old everyone is sick of it.

Try to be reasonable. A new trainer is not going to start with a legendary, or even rare, pokemon. The standard starter pokemon were selected for a reason: They are easy for professors to obtain whenever new trainers are about to start, they can be controlled by beginners, and with proper training, they can become quite powerful.

Likewise, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to catch any of the legendary pokemon. They are simply too powerful. If you have seen either of the movies, think about it. Mew or Mewtwo can deflect any attack you try with minimal effort.

Consider the scene in The Power of One where Ash's Pikachu (which has been known to defeat rock and ground types) meets Zapdos. Compare their relative power levels. Now think about how hard it would be to defeat Zapdos. This can be applied to any of the legendary pokemon. No trainer will have one unless it has a good reason to want to accompany that trainer.

Characters: Make your characters real. Give them strengths and weaknesses. Inherently superior trainers who win each battle effortlessly are boring. So are incompetent members of Team Rocket. So is the gym-leader-who-can't-stand-being-defeated. The stock "Rival" character is also getting old.

Whatever you do, don't just refer to people by labels from the GameBoy games (Rocket, Cooltrainer, Lass, Bug Catcher, etc). Remember that these are real people you are working with.

Spelling/Grammar: Write your story in a word-processing program. Use the spellchecker, but don't depend on it completely. It can tell whether your word matches the spelling of a real word, but it cannot tell whether it is the word you wanted to use.

Use grammar checkers with extreme care. They cannot actually understand what you are saying, and often make mistakes.

--------------------------------

4) My Personal Advice:

Note that the contents of this section reflect my personal preferences. Other good writers may disagree with me.

Battles: I generally dislike sentences of the form "(pokemon species) used (name of attack)". You are describing what the pokemon does. In a real-world battle, the pokemon would not "use Bite on" its opponent; it would "bite" its opponent. There are, however, exceptions to this. If there is no verb for the action, go ahead and say "Bulbasaur used Leech Seed". Still, try to avoid "used (name of attack)". Better options would be "fired a hyperbeam at (enemy)", "hit (enemy) with (attack)", etc.

Additionally; the GameBoy battle format makes no sense in the context of a real battle. A pokemon in a real battle would not just attack, then stand there waiting for its opponent to attack. In a real battle, you would have no time to go in and administer a potion or antidote to your pokemon. Watch the TV show for a reasonable depiction of what battles would be like.

GameBoy Terminology in general: Try to avoid it. In the real world, referring to something as "Level 17" is meaningless. Pokemon have varying levels of power and experience, but don't just summarize all of this with a single number. In the world of your fanfic, pokemon are real, living creatures. They are individuals. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, and skills.

The only thing worse than referring to "levels" is referring to "hit points", "power points", or any of the "statistics" (attack, defence, "special defence", etc). Avoid use of these terms at all costs.

-Original text by Murgatroyd
Click to expand...

I think you should read this, and the rest of Advice for Aspiring Authors, as it hurt my eyes to even glance at the text blocks you put up. How hard is it, to correct a paragraph in the reply box when you copy paste from a word program? An easy way to even avoid that is to turn Word Wrap Off and Copy then Paste into the reply box.

From what I was able to read, it felt rushed and well, shallow. Just tacky, rushed and shallow.
 
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