Staring to Long (poem)

[Flaming Lip]

Staring to Long

Watching time pass me by.

Look to a leaden sky.

Finding yet another hope

Wither, fall and die.


So long I thought I knew life well

So long I loved the joy of bells

Ringing out triumph

So long I knew the sky was blue

The grass was green,

And everything was so true

Now I don’t know what I should even do


But I have gotten older

I’ve seen the other side of things

And life has gotten colder

And now I’m not even sure, what to do


But why can’t I have another chance?

Why can’t I love once again?

Why can’t I see the sky as blue?

Why can’t I see life as once was true?

And I know it’ll take a while

And I know that I can’t smile

And I know that was never true

And I know its something I can’t do

So long I thought I knew life well

So long I loved the joy of bells

Ringing out triumph

So long I knew the sky was blue

The grass was green,

And everything was so true

Now there’s nothing I can do.​

 

[Psychic]

I personally liked it. It told of a creature who let life pass it by, realizing that it barely glimpsed the beauty of life, so it begs for a second chance to experience that joy once again. Everything had an order and a place and all belonged. Very good job bringing this out.

The rhythm was rather choppy, though, the pace sometimes changing because of odd numbers of lines and syllables. Also, you only rhymed half the time, which also broke up the rhythm. I myself prefer using commas at the end of most lines so it feels like it keeps going, but different people have different preferences.


I’m not an expert at reviewing poetry, but I tried to be fair and accurate. I enjoyed reading it, as it was quite well written and has a deep sense, and it can be translated differently (abstract, in a way), which is always an interesting aspect for a poem.
You did a very nice job on it, and I’m glad you’re back writing poetry!

~Psychic

 

[Burnt Flower]

There's a typo in the title 'to-too'. XP You know my poem reviews suck, so bear with me. =P

So long I thought I knew life well

So long I loved the joy of bells

Ringing out triumph

So long I knew the sky was blue

I have mixed feeling about this part - I liked the overall context and feeling, but I kinda disliked the 'ringing out triumph' line; seemed a bit out of place and didn't fit in well, IMO.

But I have gotten older

I’ve seen the other side of things

And life has gotten colder

And now I’m not even sure, what to do

So damn true.

Staring to Long

Watching time pass me by.

Look to a leaden sky.

Finding yet another hope

Wither, fall and die.

Apart from the 'to-too' typo, this was my favorite part of your poem. Very lovely opening. :3

Hmm...I liked this poem, and I thought the majority of it flowed well, but something was missing. I think it was the fact that I could relate to your poems most of the time but I felt a bit dettached here. But like I said, I did enjoy it but I think it could've been something more.

No smiting with your Ringo Starr doll, please! ;o;

*hides under rock* xD

 

[Flaming Lip]

This was really only an exercise to help me get back into the poem writing mood. Check out, the one in my link, or 'All in a lifetime.' I personally like them much better.