steel child

[pisces_beedrill]

[BANNER]http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/5816/thesteelchild7xp.png[/BANNER]
Prologue

steelix and crystal onix were in a large grey cave. Crystal onix's shining body was like a light in the darkness. Steelix looked at his mate. She was so beautiful, a crystaline body made of diamond. It reflected any tiny bit of light that entered the cave. Steelix was almost as handsome. He a had pure silver body, dull grey. Some parts of his agile body were mercury, and the large metallic rocks that made up his body were up to 1 metre each! And there were ten rocks currently making up his body.

"How are the eggs?" he asked his mate. Crystal onix looked at him with love and at the shinning crystal eggs that lay beside her.

"They're fine" she replied. "oh, look, this one is hatching!"

Steelix, got up and looked, indeed, a tiny onix came out. It carcked the crystal egg open and slithered out. From top to middle, he was stone, bottom wards, he was crystal. He was an interesting combination. the rocks that formed the upper part of his body were harder than diamond and yet so silky while the crystals thet made up the bottom half were rough and as strong as the rock on a normal onix. It looked so precious, the way it slithered so delicately. Steelix smiled. "My child".

Then, out of nowhere, Giovanni came in, team rocket helicopters were everywhere. He laughed evilly as he's persian purred with success. Giovanni was a tall, well dressed man with short dark brown hair in a nice french cut.

"Run with the eggs, i'll protect you!" steelix yelled and did a rock throw at Giovanni. He simply laughed.

"Foolish creature," he spat on the ground in disgust, the rocks simply were destroyed by a lazer from one of the helicopters. They tied the steelix up in electrical wire that had spikes.

"Where is the female!?" Giovanni swore angrily, Jessie, a long purple haired girl, and James, a short purple haired boy, came out of a helicopter.

"sir, we'll get them for you!" and ran down the cave. Crystal onix was moving as fast as she could to a nearby pond, the eggs were in her curled tail. Jessie and James stepped in her way.

"Go dustox, sleeping power!" Jessie screamed like a blood thirsty maniac. Crystal onix was desperate, then her new born half-breed baby came to her rescue and did a dooms day ray! Jessie, James and dustox were blasted back and became unconscious. But the ray also destryed all the other eggs but one...

Crystal onix was captured by te helicopters (Giovanni didnt trust Jessie and James) but the half-breed and the egg rolled into the water unnoticed...

okay, please comment on this to help me improve, please don't be too harsh and also, gimme ideas fro the 1st chapter. thanx y'all who comment.

 

[Jetx]

I see this is an anime based fic, I spotted two mistakes it says 'Jessie, Jmaes and dustox' and 'captured by te helicopters' but apart from that I like this fic it's very interesting, I wanna read on and see what'll happen, a good fic so far well done

 

[alsk]

Quite a good start i'd say

 

[pisces_beedrill]

thanx alot, i appreciate it. any ideas on chapter one?

 

[Guitar dude bill]

*inhales* first off. too short. well it's only a prologue so i can let you off their. second off. you are supposed to use speech marks for speech. not different colours. third off this fic gets into plot way too quickly. fourth off you made a few grammar mistakes like he's. it's his. no offense but this fic is terrible. it is lacking description terribly. I'm sure if you purt in more effort and do more description and do speech marks and not different colours for the love of the worlds creators. here are the ratings
originality: it's an original fan-fic but not original. you can still change the story line to improve the originality
description: any? Describe the enviroment. describe the people. describe the actions. describe the pokemon. you need a ton more of description
plot: unoriginal. and it rushes into the plot so quickly
grammar: use speech marks! and you don't use his right you said he's. DO MORE PUNCTUATION
entertainment. really is it at all entertaining
this story can be good but the amount of faults you made makes it appauling. so take my advice and make the next chapter good using reviewers advice

 

[Xiang]

Don't put such big font. There is no description, and you need to introduce the characters first.

 

[pisces_beedrill]

okay, thanx. i will correct the grammer, different colours are used only when pkmn are talking cause i like it that way, when humans talk, i use speeck marks, don't tell me it ain't original, and u don't tell me why, and u can't guess what'll happen next cause it is a prologue, not a chapter. thanx for the review.

 

[Xiang]

Your welcome.

I like it when writers accept people's criticism. That shows respect. ^^

 

[Guitar dude bill]

okay, thanx. i will correct the grammer, different colours are used only when pkmn are talking cause i like it that way, when humans talk, i use speeck marks, don't tell me it ain't original, and u don't tell me why, and u can't guess what'll happen next cause it is a prologue, not a chapter. thanx for the review.

i did say you can improve the originality in the first chapter so sorry if i didn't make that clear. and sorry for not stating it why it was unorignal. it was original for a fan-fic but it was too similar to the series and movies. but i did say you can make it good in the first chapter. a second suggestion. Use speech marks "And" different colours. like the idea? and i'm only trying to help you improve.

 

[pisces_beedrill]

i understand, thanx alot, i truley appreciate it. and yes, i will change to speech marks and change ofcolour. you have been very helpful. thanx alot, plz continue reading.

 

[Guitar dude bill]

your welcome. and i'll keep reading. taking reviewers advice and using it makes you a good author. I check fics i review regularly. though sometimes i forget to check it. and authors. don't do what i was going to do once (and a couple of other authors i know, possibly). give up over negative reviews. luckily you are one that does not do that

 

[pisces_beedrill]

thanx, the reason i listen to u is cause u give both positive and negative, which makes someone feel good. the 1st chapter'll go up either next weekend or during the week

 

[pisces_beedrill]

Chapter 1


Thuro moved swiftly through the woods. He had long silver hair which shone in the setting sunlight. His grey-blue pale eyes shone like a light. He wore a crystal round his neck. He felt power with it, a lot of power. He glanced down at it swinging from side to side as he ran.

"THURO! Dinner!" his mother yelled from afar. He was exausted. Next to him was Skarmory. He's starter pokemon.

"C'mon Skammy, a little help here?" he huffed. He tied his waist length hair in a rubber band as Skamory lowered its back. He hopped on and they flew.

"You owe me big time for this" his Skammy muttered. Thuro knew what that meant. Skammy was going to demand to get extra raw candy. He hated that because his poket money always finishes.

Skammy landed nicely on thier greek based porch. His mother stood there, hands on her hips. She cleared her throat.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" she spat onto him in anger. her face was reed and her veins were sticking out. He faced down at his large feet. He knew what was coming next.

"NO DINNER FOR YOU, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!" he ran into the house and sniffed as he saw how hard she worked on his Sunday dinner. A beautiful plate of creamy rich pie stood in the centre of the table. He let a tear fall as he sadly walked up to his room.

Skammy was alredy in the room in its giant nest, asleep. Thuro clambered into bed. He was exauseted. His eyes closed. His crystal glowed and a vision entered him.

He saw a gorgeous golden haired delicate framed princess. The princess said to him:

Child of steel, power of doom. help your kind not your kindred

and her image faded. Then gorgeous auburn haired delicate framed princess appeared. she said:

steel, doom. help those who help you for they are your kind

then she faded and a steelix appeared. "my son" and it was gone.

The next day, THuro thought nothing of his vision, he forgot about it. His sister Jessie from team rocket was home. He fell out of bed and ran down to see her. She ruffled his hair.

When he hugged her, he went into another vison.

A steelix appeared and said "death, doom and destruction" then he went back to normal.

He ran up to his room. Washed, dressed packed, ran down and left to school. Feeling something was wrong...

 

[Jetx]

Quite a few spelling mistakes but I won't hold that against you because of your sight, oh and skamory has an 'R' in it, between the A and the M, it could do with being a bit longer but I really liked it, it's a good fic, looking forward to chapter 2...

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

Length: None at all. It seemed like it was long because you put those freakin' big words there, and that makes everything harder. My eyes bled looking at it. I don't care whether it should've been prologue or not. You keep making fics like this and you're going to get banned. I've seen your other fics, and they're all like this. No matter how many reviews you get telling you to change it, you don't.

Description: None. I mean, we have no idea what Thuro looks like. And what's a Crystal Onix? I mean, wouldn't that be a Steelix? And don't tell me in your reply to this review, put it in. What if we had never seen Giovanni? You have to describe, please.

Grammar: Terrible. The Pokemon's names aren't capitalized, and there's a whole lot of spelling mistakes. Perfect spelling makes things easier.

Plot: Terrible. So a Crystal Onix and her husband get caught, and then all of a sudden this kid wakes up and hears something and he doesn't know why or how but suddenly he's off and trying to find the source of the voice. And Team Rocket attacks the Onix and Steelix even though Thuro's sister is Jesse. I thought she was an only child? It sure says that in everything I read. Wait, I believe she might have a sister...I forgot ^^;; but other than that there was no plot. When Steelix says "my son" does he mean Thuro is his son? If so that's pretty sad. A human as a Steelix's kid. And a Skarmory as a starter? I mean, that's kinda high. You never even mentioned what region this is. If it's Kanto and he's got Skarmory...we wouldn't know, because you never mentioned it. How old is Thuro anyway? You never said that. And why isn;t he on his Pokemon journey if he got a STARTER? Starters are for journeys. If he's just going to run around and play with it and then beat the crap out of Giovanni then this'll be the lamest fic you've ever made. I am 99.9% sure this'll get closed.

Oh yeah, and changing color in speech is hurting people's eyes. Why can't you just use ""? I mean, if you like it that much write it on paper. We don't like it, and if we don't like it you won't get reviewers.

Don't yell at me, beacuse I'm helping you with this review.

--XKaze

 

[Guitar dude bill]

another good chapter. but as jetx mentioned a hell of a lot of spelling mistakes. and a couple of grammar mistakes too. but i can see your taking my advice. Oh and please do not do that huge writing. it really gets on my nerves. oh and BTW (by the way) do this on microsoft word so it corrects any spelling mistakes and some grammar mistakes. these are the spelling mistakes
Raw candy: it's rare candy
Poket: that is spelt "pocket"
Thier: It's spelt their
Reed: it's red
Alredy: it's already
Exauseted: I'm not so sure how it's spelt so he're goes exhausted
i can excuse you if you don't have word. but zephyr_flare won't excuse foreign language spelling mistakes she said. needs to be a bit longer. but i won't be harsh on you for your spelling mistakes cause i know you speak a foreign language. here are the grammar mistakes
He's starter pokemon: it's "his" starter pokemon
THuro: could you please explain why you did the first and second with capital letters. just names or the first in the sentence
also don't say character names at first before they have been introduced. E.G. a boy was brushing his hair. a girl came up "hey Thuro" Thuro turned around.
try using that in the future
a bit short as well. also Thuro needs more of a personalitie
PS MESSAGE TO X KAZEMON: errr you can't get banned for breaking rules he has broken. his fic would just get closed. you have to break serious rules to get banned

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

*with nice pleasant face, turns to Blingin G after being like Shadow the Hedgehog at pisces* You can get banned for repeatedly not listening to reviewers. He's been making all these fics and dleleting them because he's afraid they'll get closed. He'll get banned if this continues. But glad to see you read the rules, unlike *grows Shadow face again* PISCES HERE...*calms down*

 

[Jetx]

I didn't know he spoke a foreign language, but I do know that he has big text because he is partialy blind and refuses to where glasses, so he can't be blamed for spelling if he can't even see it, that's why he makes big text, so he can see his mistakes...

 

[Guitar dude bill]

I didn't know he spoke a foreign language, but I do know that he has big text because he is partialy blind and refuses to where glasses, so he can't be blamed for spelling if he can't even see it, that's why he makes big text, so he can see his mistakes...

oh i understand. about speaking a foreign language have you noticed his location. it sais kenya. i don't blame him for spelling mistakes but he'd probably not make them if he did it on word. here is a suggestion for pesces. make it large at first then smallen it. good idea? oh and this is not insulting you or anything. but why do you refuse to wear glasses? oh and x kazemon. do you mean i talk like shadow the hedgehog. well guess why. i am *turns black and red and turns into shadow and shoots x kazemon* say your prayers

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

^^;; No i meant me...I was acting like Shadow when I was talking to pisces. You know, red eyes, hair swirling like a tornado (I'm female) and with a gun out, and then I was all nice to you like Winry in FullMetalAlchemist in the end credits when she looks down at you. Gee, she carries her dog...she must be strong ^_^ but this is spam so let's not talk about it anymore *gets shot with Blingin G's gun*

Anyway, it doesn't matter if he's half-blind or whatever, if he makes mistakes we'll point them out, and I used to be a pretty suckish speller too but I let my reviewers point out my grammar. My MSWord is not cooperative. Slows down my computer and all. I have to debug it.

--XKaze