Oh, for the love of all that is good, pisces!
Look, you've been a member here since July, and your writing hasn't improved one bit, nor have you begun to follow the rules of the FanFiction Forum.
Let’s go over the basics of what and what not to do:
DO type on Microsoft Word
DO capitalize names of people and Pokémon.
DO use normal sized font
DO use quotation marks (“these”) when some one speaks,
italics when someone thinks and a single quotation mark (‘these’) and
italics when a Pokémon speaks [something along those lines, at least]
DO make chapters
at least a page long on Microsoft Word
DO NOT type in the reply box
DO NOT use red different colored font
DO NOT misuse commas
DO NOT assume we know what characters look like: this includes people, Pokémon and Team Rocket
DO NOT, for the love of all that is good, say ‘a vision entered him’.
It’s upsetting that I have to point out so many stupid things, such elementary mistakes.
I am going to go through this rubbish you call a fic and comment on it, and try, to the best of my abilities, to help you.
steelix and crystal onix were in a large grey cave.
What is a Steelix? What is an Onix? What do they look like? Why is this Onix ‘crystal’?
Ok, so the cave is large. Do you mean it is long or that the roof is high? Why is it grey? Is the cave made of grey pudding?
Crystal onix’s shining body was like a light in the darkness.
What color did it shine? Since when was the cave dark?
Steelix looked at his mate.
How did he look at his mate? With anger? Sorrow? Hatred?
How are the eggs? he asked his mate.
You said ‘his mate’ again too quickly. Again, what kind of tone of voice did he use?
Crystal onix looked at him with love and at the shinning crystal eggs that lay beside her.
Eggs. Describe them. Add how many they are and their positioning.
Steelix, got up and looked, indeed, a tiny onix came out.
What the Hell do you mean ‘came out’? Came out of what? What did it look like when it got out? HOW did it come out-by screaming the Chinese national anthem?
Terrible use of commas. Take out the first comma and replace the second with a period.
From top to middle, he was stone, bottom wards, he was crystal.
Ok, that is sooooo unrealistic it’s sickening. If it’s a mix of the two, then its stones will probably be half-and-half, and I mean that each stone will be a mix of rock and crystal.
Anyways, elaborate more on this and describe it better.
It looked so precious, steelix smiled. My child.
There shouldn’t be a comma after ‘precious’. And tell us how and why it looked precious.
Did either show any signs of affection towards their baby? Uh, NO. Mom and Dad love Baby. Mom and Dad show Baby they love it by hugging, kissing and talking to it.
Then, out of nowhere, Giovanni came in,
Who is Giovanni? What does he look like?
Take away that last comma.
Who are they? If they’re humans, how do these Pokémon know who they are?
helicopters were everywhere.
Again, Pokémon know what a helicopter is? Ok, so what do they look like?
How could they be ‘everywhere’ in a cave?
He laughed evilly as he's persian purred with success.
What is a Persian? Where is it-on top of his head?
‘his’, not ‘he’s’.
steelix yelled and did a rock throw at Giovanni. He simply laughed.
He DID a rock throw? WTF? What does that mean? I can only IMAGINE what it looks like.
WHO laughed?
"Foolish creature," he spat on the ground in disgust, the rocks simply were destroyed by a lazer from one of the helicopters.
First of all, replace comma with period.
Second, it is spelled ‘laser’. -_-
Third, describe the laser and what it looked like as it ‘destroyed’ the rock.
They tied the steelix up in electrical wire that had spikes.
How do you tie up a rock snake?
Describe what it was like more. How could an electric wire have spikes?
"Where is the female!?" Giovanni swore angrily,
Swore? Riiiiight. And why does he need 'the female' who, by the way, is not of the same specis of the Steelix?
Jessie and James came out of a helicopter.
Who are they?
Wait…don’t they usually travel on their own and never with the rest of TR?
And don’t they have a Meowth as well?
"sir, we'll get them for you!" and ran down the cave.
WTF? Who ran down which cave?
Crystal onix was moving as fast as she could to a nearby pond.
A pond? In a cave? Maybe it was a LAKE, but a pond? And why would a rock snake go towards water?
Jessie and James stepped in her way.
Two seconds ago they were chasing her. Suddenly they teleport in front of her?
"Go dustox, sleeping power!" Jessie screamed like a blood thirsty maniac.
Who is she yelling at? What is this Dustox? And WHY does she sound like 'a blood thirsty maniac'?
The attack is called ‘Sleep Powder’. -_-
Crystal onix was desperate, then her new born half-breed baby came to her rescue and did a dooms day ray!
He DID a ‘dooms day ray’? Not only does that make you sound SICK, but what the bloody hell IS IT?
Jessie, James and dustox were blasted back and became unconscious.
Blasted against what? Never say 'became unconcious'.
But the ray also destryed all the other eggs but one...
Spelled ‘destroyed’. -_- Why did it destroy the eggs? You never said that the crystal Onix was carrying them on her head or anything.
Crystal onix was captured by te helicopters (Giovanni didnt trust Jessie and James)
I thought Team Rocket caught them, not ‘te’ helicopters.
What do Jessie and James have to do with where the Onix is and why didn’t Giovanni trust them?
but the half-breed and the egg rolled into the water unnoticed...
Rock+water=not good. Rock+water=dead. Water=bad for rock. Neither ought to survive.
Chapter 1:
Thuro moved swiftly through the woods.
How? Was he flying on a hoverboard?
His long silver hair shone in the setting sunlight.
Maybe it REFLECTED the light of the setting sun, but it didn’t shine.
His grey-blue pale eyes shone like a light.
Why? Are his eyes like some kind of flashlight?
He wore a crystal round his neck.
It’s ‘around’. And describe the crystal. Was it on a long piece of spaghetti?
He felt power with it, a lot of power.
Elaborate. What do you mean?
Also, where did he get this crystal? When? Who gave it to him and why?
"THURO! Dinner!" his mother yelled from afar.
How did she sound? Upset? Happy?
Spelt ‘exhausted’. And why was he so tired? What part/s of him were tired?
Next to him was Skarmory.
Describe Skarmory.
-_- HIS, not he’s.
WHY THE HELL does he have a Skarmory for a starter? That’s waaaay too powerful for a beginning trainer.
When did he get Skarmory? Who gave it to him? Why?
"C'mon Skammy, a little help here?" he huffed.
How’s a Skarmory supposed to help him? And what does he need help WITH?
He tied his waist length hair in a rubber band as Skamory lowered its back.
LMAO, lowered it’s back!
He hopped on and they flew.
What wonderful description here. You were so specific as well.
"You owe me big time for this" his Skammy muttered.
Oh, so his Skarmory can talk? OMIGAWD, TALKING POKÉMON, I’M GONNA BE RICH!
Thuro knew what that meant. Skammy was going to demand to get extra raw candy.
LMAO! Raw Candy! And just HOW would it demand for these candies?
He hated that because his poket money always finishes.
Spelt ‘pocket’. And what’s that supposed to mean, it ‘always finishes’?
Skammy landed nicely on thier greek based porch.
What do you mean by ‘nicely’?
Spelt ‘their’.
The Greeks are a people, go the G is a capital. In what way it is ‘Greek-based’?
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" she spat onto him in anger.
She spat? Ooookay. You don't know WHEN to use that word.
her face was reed and her veins were sticking out.
I didn’t know a face could be ‘reed’.
People’s veins don’t ‘stick out’. -_-
He faced down at his large feet.
LMAO! Just LMAO!
"NO DINNER FOR YOU, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!"
She calls him to dinner then refuses to give him dinner? What kind of a psychopath is this woman?
Skammy was alredy in the room in its giant nest, asleep.
How did it get there if they arrived at the same time?
It’s spelt ‘already’. Describe the nest.
You already used that exact same sentence and make the exact same spelling mistake.
I’m sure he closed them by himself.
His crystal glowed and a vision entered him.
How could he tell the crystal was glowing is his eyes were closed?
A VISION EVENTERED HIM?! LMFAO! OMFG, LMFAO!
He saw a gorgeous golden haired delicate framed princess.
A princess? Oookay, and how could he tell she was a princess? And describe her more. I’m sure she was wearing clothing, and had skin and eyes.
Image?
Then gorgeous auburn haired delicate framed princess appeared.
I think you’re missing a word in this sentence. Again, describe her more.
then she faded and a steelix appeared. "my son" and it was gone.
Elaborate. What do you mean by randomly putting in "my son"? Did these two words suddenly appear in big purple letters across the Steelix’ face or something?
The next day, THuro thought nothing of his vision, he forgot about it.
There’s a difference between forgetting something and ignoring it.
His sister Jessie from team rocket was home.
If you work for Team Rocket, it’s a full-time job. You don’t come home every day, and other people aren’t supposed to know that you’re a member.
When he hugged her, he went into another vison.
He WENT INTO A VISION! AGAIN, LMFAO!
Spelt ‘vision’.
A steelix appeared and said "death, doom and destruction" then he went back to normal.
Who went back to normal? And how does Thuro understand PokéSpeech?
Washed, dressed packed, ran down and left to school.
Maybe you should add that THURO DID all these things.
Now that that’s over, let’s go over the other aspects of the fic quickly.
Spelling/Grammar: don’t even get me started. Look above. I’d love for someone to actually tell me that he has good grammar and knows about the proper use of the English language.
Length: This is waaay too short. If there was actually description and character development, it might be a bit longer. I have to say, though, that even if it is too short, I was glad I didn’t have to read a huge amount of this sort of writing.
Description: absolutely none. Describe everything. Pretend we don’t know what Pokémon look like, we don’t know who Team Rocket is! Fuller descriptions of characters and their surroundings are needed.
I know that trying to explain to you about the proper use of description is useless, so I’m leaving it at “describe everything so it’s easier for the reader to picture the scene in their head.”
Characters: NONE of them have personalities. The Pokémon don’t show how much they love their baby, for crying out loud! Thuro is also bland and is seriously a robot. He barely reacts properly to when his freak of a mother refuses to let him have dinner, but even then, I have no clue why he cried when any normal person would just be angry. Thuro is honestly a Gary-Stu, in short.
Plot: Crappy. Some kind of crystal Onix and Steelix mate to have a kid who goes back into its egg. Then you go to talk about a kid who gets a super-powerful Pokémon for a starter (and he isn’t even on a journey) who for some reason has a jewel that gives him visions. Character reeks of Gary-Stu. The plot about the Onix is also terrible and makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, WHY would TR suddenly be interested in a crystal Onix, how would they find out where it is and why would they bring a whole battalion of members to catch it? Barely any thought put into it, being poorly-developed.
Originality: See comments for plot. Basically, very dull, boring and unoriginal.
I’m afraid I’ll have to stop the review here. I have a few things I’d like to tell X Kazemon, as I feel that part of her review was not fair, lacking some common sense and she has no idea what a Prologue is.
X Kazemon said:
Plot: Terrible.
So a Crystal Onix and her husband get caught, and then all of a sudden this kid wakes up and hears something and he doesn't know why or how but suddenly he's off and trying to find the source of the voice.
Sorry if he just edited his fic, but that’s how a Prologue works. Usually, it has nothing to do with the first chapter (well, it is supposed to seem that way at first).
X Kazemon said:
And Team Rocket attacks the Onix and Steelix even though Thuro's sister is Jesse.
Do you honeslt think Team Rocket would give a damn about relatives of members? TR is so huge that there is supposed to be no such thing as an individual, as everyone must work together as one core unit. If a member is actually LOYAL, then if they were told to, they would kill their own mother.
X Kazemon said:
I thought she was an only child? It sure says that in everything I read. Wait, I believe she might have a sister...I forgot ^^;;
Just quite while you’re ahead. *winks* If you’re not sure about something, don’t mention it.
Oh, and in a fic, anything could be possible as long as it is within reason and makes sense.
X Kazemon said:
When Steelix says "my son" does he mean Thuro is his son? If so that's pretty sad. A human as a Steelix's kid.
Gee, I wonder who the Steelix was referring to. Hello, you’re a father and your son is gone. You want him back, so you’re sad. You’re upset. You grieve. Steelix was grieving.
Master of Legends, that post before was total SPAM. Do not link to sites and don't mention it here. And no; the font should be of normal size. The size I am using right now, really.
-_-
I’d like to point out to all you wanna-be reviewers that reviews should include details on the characters.
Back to the fic:
I find that little effort actually went into making the fic itself.
pisces, I'm afraid that if you continue making fics that break the rules and you continue to ignore your reviewers, you will have to be banned from the Club. I'm sorry, but if you don't take writing seriously, then you will not be allowed to stay.
~Psychic