Sticky's Pokemon Mission (PG)

[Pete the Unstoppable]

Before you read this I just want you to know Sticky is a criminal that can easily defeat the government. Except, in this, Sticky's superior skills shall be as a Pokemon Master taking down other Pokemon criminals that challenge his skills as a criminal with they're Pokemon. I use 4 *'s to start a paragraph by the way.

Chapter 1:The Master Ball

****Sticky walked into the entrance of the Silph Co. building with his Dragonite by his side and met a Silph Co. security guard. The security guard pulled out his walkie talkie and cried, "The killer stickman is here, I need back-up, quick-" the guard was sent flying into a wall with Sticky's Dragonite that fired it's Hyper Beam.

****More security guards rushed down to the first floor and pulled they're handguns out and pointed it at Sticky. An extremely fat man then walked into Silph Co. with a Dragonair and Starmie at his side. The guards did not notice the fat man and all fired they're bullets at Sticky but they were stopped in mid-air. "Starmie, make all the bullets hit each other and use Surf on all the guards!" ordered the fat man.

****The bullets all went to the same spot thus making the bullets explode in the air. Then a huge wave of water knocked out all of the security guards. Sticky looked at the fat man, "What took ya so long, Faty?" asked Sticky.

****Faty did not answer because he knew that the question Sticky asked was a retorical one. Sticky and Faty heard police sirens right outside the silph co. building and they came in and all fired at Sticky and Faty but the bullets ended up richoceting off of they're bullet proof vests. Sticky and Faty got on Sticky's Dragonite while and Dragonite used Hyper beam on the ceiling and they went to the top floor to see the president of Silph Co. sitting in his chair.

****Sticky and Faty had they're guns and Pokemon out and threatened the president yelling, "Where the heck is the Master Ball?!"

****The president showed them where it should have been but it was gone. Sticky and Faty realized the president was hiding the Master Ball elsewhere. "Okay, I'll tell you, the Bad Apple stole the Master Ball before you even stepped foot in Saffron City!"

****Sticky thought for a moment but it was very suprising, "Bad Apple? Oh my god! Please tell me it is not the retarded apple from the friggin' Apple Jacks commercial!"

****Faty saw the Bad Apple trying to get out of a window by rope. "He's getting away!" cried Faty.

****Bad Apple jumped off the rope before they could shoot him. Bad Apple walked by whistling knowing that the cops were gonna waste they're time with Sticky and Faty but he bumped into CinnaMon. "Yo! Give back da' Master Ball mon. You know your always the loza mon!" demanded CinnaMon.

****Sticky and Faty jumped out of the window avoiding the polic pursuit to see Bad Apple cornered by CinnaMon. "Execcutor, I choose you!" yelled Bad Apple sending out his Execcutor.

****CinnaMon sent out his Espeon. CinnaMon's Espeon jumped up and bit Bad Apple's Execcutor right in the middle coconut head. Espeon headbutted Execcutor right in the same head and jumped back to watch Execcutor fall down on Bad Apple. Bad Apple returned his Execcutor back to it's Pokeball and he knew there he was defeated.

****Sticky and Faty both knew that they better get the Master Ball another time and leave and let the police get distracted with Bad Apple while they make a getaway. "I can't believe it! Beaten by the cinnamon stick AGAIN!!!" cried out Bad Apple as he had the Master Ball confiscated by the police from him.

****The president of Silph Co. came out of the building letting CinnaMon keep the Master Ball for saving his life. Meanwhile. Sticky stomped and so did Faty leaving gigantic foot prints in the ground and yelled, "How the freak are we supposed to catch friggin' Legendary Pokemon now?!"

****Sticky and Faty found a secret area where they would not be detected. Sticky and Faty were making plans to get the Master Ball after they had read in the newspaper CinnaMon got the Master Ball. Sticky thought of a plan, "Faty, when we find that dang cinnamon stick you do a crime that will distract the police. I then will find CinnaMon, beat him in a Pokemon battle, knock him out, take the Master Ball and you meet me back here when you have fended off the police."

****Faty thought for a minute but he knew Sticky was 1000 times more smarter than he was so they agreed on the plan to get the Master Ball.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Hey there!

Well, you've got a LOT of originality here - and a lot of humour, too. ^^

"Yo! Give back da' Master Ball mon. You know your always the loza mon!" demanded CinnaMon.

That's one of the funniest accents I've seen for a while!

Hmm. I think you're doing yourself a disservice with the presentation of your story. Readers don't just decide whether to keep reading or not purely on the content of a story - if your story is hard to read, then the chances of keeping readers become slimmer. Three things you can do to make sure your story is presented in an easily readable format are as follows:

1. Make sure you use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation. The Spellcheckers built into word processing programs (like Word) can do this automatically - though Spellcheckers have been known to make mistakes, so proofreading manually is recommended as well. If you aren't familiar enough with the conventions of grammar, spelling and punctuation to do the corrections yourself, then perhaps you could get a beta reader? A beta reader is someone who looks over your story before you post it, making technical corrections, and can even advise you on the content. Just make sure the person you ask to beta for you DOES know how to correct properly. ^^

2. Don't worry about the four *s. Just remember to double space the paragraphs. ^^ The '****'s don't need to be there - and the simpler and cleaner your story appears, the easier it probably is to read. Also treat speech as a new paragraph, so for each new speaker, double space the speech.

"Like this," said someone.

"And this," said someone else.

Does that explain it? Say if it doesn't.

3. Don't use numbers or symbols as shorthand for actual words. (Eg: write 'one thousand' instead of '1000'.) In amongst written words, numbers and symbols can be distracting and divert the readers' attention from the content of your story to the formatting. And most of the readers around these forums are writers themselves and probably won't be impressed if you take the shortcuts they've made the efforts to avoid for the sake of more professional and effective writing.

As for the content of your story, I'd say you've a got a lot of potential, but if you want to fulfill it, you might wanna put in more description. ^^ Description can add depth to your story and make it seem that bit more real to the reader. It can make the action more exciting, the humour more funny and the emotive moments more dramatic. You've obviously got a lot of action scenes and a mind that can imagine them in a style similar to those amazing action movies (like the Matrix). But if you want your readers to see what you're seeing, give them more detail and choose your words carefully to capture the intensity of the moment. You've got a talent to imagine so visually, but you need to make sure you're letting the readers benefit from this talent. They can't imagine what you're seeing without help.

Anyway, as previously stated, this has a LOT of potential - so put it to good use! ^^ Let me know if you want anything else commented on/critiqued or if you want anything in this review expanded upon/explained. ^^

Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Pete the Unstoppable]

Well, goto cartoon network or something like that and when the Apple Jacks commercial comes on CinnaMon has an accent, he is supposed to.

 

[Pete the Unstoppable]

Chapter 2:Revenge from an Idiot

Back away in their underground safe house Faty and Sticky wondered where CinnaMon might be with the Master Ball. Faty yelled, "A bowl of Apple Jacks!"

Sticky sighed, "Faty I know you are stupid, but do you really think he goes in a bowl of Apple Jacks? He would be eaten, and he would be dead, besides, he is just Apple Jacks' mascot. I'm thinking he is relaxing on Fucshia City beach. The problem is, we would have to get by the police. Ah, why are we worried about that, we can even get by the government."

"Get away you and your Growlithes!" cried out Bad Apple running in the direction of Sticky and Faty's hideout.

Sticky yawned threw and Ultra Ball as hard as he could on the ground and there came out his massively powerful Dragonite. Sticky then ordered, "Dragonite, use Hyper Beam on everything in front of you that is out of our hide out!"

Dragonite, an orange large dragon Pokemon, with a tail half it's size, 2 small hand, 2 feet, 2 really small wings and a horn at the top of it's head fired a raging blast of Hyper Beam knocking out everything it hit, except Bad Apple. Bad Apple cried out walking into Faty and Sticky's hide out, "You broke my flippin' arm! I'm gonna screw you up so-" Bad Apple was cut off, "Shut...up!" Sticky interruptted.


Bad Apple's eyes were on fire as he atrociously slammed a Poke Ball on the ground that released his equally angry giant turtle Pokemon:Blastoise, it has 2 cannons on it's back and it has a blue shell and tail. Faty then sent out his Dragonair, a long blue snake shaped with curly ears shaped like Pokemon.

"Hahaha! You should've evolved that puny Pokemon! It looks like molded spagetthi!" laughed Bad Apple. "Anyway, take it away with BLIZZARD!" shouted Bad Apple at the top of his lungs.

A huge wave of ice hit Dragonite and Dragonair knocking them both down to the ground with a loud smash. Dragonair, was frozen completely and Dragonite was frozen from the neck down. "Goto hell Bad Apple! Dragonite, use Flamethrower on Dragonair and make sure Dragonair thaws out!" Sticky cried out.

Dragonite, struggled but managed to use Flamethrower to thaw out Dragonair. "Now, idiot! Prepare for your worst nightmare! Dragonair, use Thunderbolt on Blastoise right on the head!" yelled Faty!

Dragonair got up, jumped into the air and fired a blast of electricity right at Blastoise's head. Blastoise cried out in pain and fell to the ground right on it's shell. Bad Apple returned his Blastoise to it's Poke Ball with a red beam of light. "Bad Apple's running off again!" cried out Bad Apple running away from Sticky and Faty's safe house with clouds of dust following him.

Sticky and Faty sighed. They had defeated CinnaMon's nemesis, but they still had no sign of where CinnaMon was. But, at that very moment a newspaper swayed into they're hideout and it read in capital letters "UNKNWON POKEMON DESTROYS SAFFRON CITY, CELADON CITY, CERULEAN CITY and LAVENDER TOWN! ALSO DESTROYED TOWNS IN OTHER REIGONS. CAUSES MORE DAMAGE THAN HURRICANE KATRINA!" and right besides the header it should a picture of a bird Pokemon with huge black wings and a huge black tail, a white center body, a long black neck, with a white visor and a red eye Pokemon blasting the city with a black substance coming out of it's mouth.

Sticky wondered aloud, "This is the Pokemon that put S.S. Libra in that desert of the Orre Reigon, but Cipher has been destroyed. Did someone get another one of the species and turn it into a Shadow Pokemon again?"

 

[Demise]

Hmm, it wasn't funny, and I know funny.

First of all, you're not supposed to put stars in front of each paragraph. Bad apple this, Bad apple that, can't you use 'his exeggutor'. And that's not how you spell exeggutor, use teh Seribii's pokedex, will you?

The chappie is too short, it should be about two pages long on Ms Word, Font- Verdana, Size- 10, that's the status on how big and which type of font appears on Seribii.

At least, at least use proper grammar, it'll be a whole lot easier to understand.

Bad Apple's eyes were on fire as he atrociously slammed a Poke Ball on the ground that released his equally angry giant turtle Pokemon:Blastoise, it has 2 cannons on it's back and it has a blue shell and tail. Faty then sent out his Dragonair, a long blue snake shaped with curly ears shaped like Pokemon.

Finally, a clever word. Er, do you notice that in the anime or game they don't slam it they throw it up in the air or just release from the hand. It would break.

1000 times

Change it to 'thousand'. Something everyone gets mixed up with. Pinecone Tortoise already made up for the grammar and spelling lesson, so I don't ahve to type much (thanks).

Your description is too easy to follow, about the pokemon and such. Make the details more smooth and describe the surroundings.

Sticky walked into the entrance of the Silph Co. building with his Dragonite by his side and met a Silph Co. security guard.

Wow, a bad guy walks into a building and starts trouble, very original indeed...[/sarcasm]

CinnaMon sent out his Espeon. CinnaMon's Espeon jumped up and bit Bad Apple's Execcutor right in the middle coconut head. Espeon headbutted Execcutor right in the same head and jumped back to watch Execcutor fall down on Bad Apple. Bad Apple returned his Execcutor back to it's Pokeball and he knew there he was defeated.

Alright, a few words from...me....regarding this paragraph:

An execcutor, now what is that supposed to be? According to what you typed, '...coconut head...' I think it is an Exeggutor, but three-fourths of the name states that its like an exeggcute. There is no execcutor, there is an exeggute and an exeggutor. USE the pokedex...I mean it!

-____-. Espeon and Exeggutor are seperate pokemon, I clearly say that we, readers and reviewers, already know what you mean. You don't have to type, "Bad Apple's Exeggutor".

Commas are your....FRIENDS....
Trust me, I use a lot of it.

It's a lame plot, including the bad grammar and spelling which makes it lame as it is now.

It would be original, but the plot level is too high for an writing level as yours. Sit down in front of a grammar book and LEARN.

Eevee says: Tasch! ;133;