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Stitches

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by Breezy, Feb 17, 2009.

  1. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Stitches[/FONT]​
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Summary: There's something funny about this psychologist's patient ...

    [/FONT] ​
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Rated: PG (K+)[/FONT]​
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Genre: Mystery/Tragedy[/FONT]​
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Disclaimer: Pokémon and other related characters do not belong to the author.

    [/FONT]​
    ~

    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]This 'fic is a little old, but I've revised it a bit to make it more detailed and coherent because you lot at sppf still haven't been able to piece together what happened to our dear girl Kali (not in one post at least). I suppose it's a bit my fault because I never really made it clear what exactly happened that night. It was inspired when I read three Pokedex entries if that helps. Anyway, enjoy!
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]~

    [/FONT]​
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]She had one of those freaky, little smiles like the ones stitched on a doll's mouth. Her eyes were dull sapphires, shaped like cat's eye marbles, and embedded in slanted eyelids. Her face was smooth and pale white, even though it was basked in the glittering, honey-colored sunlight. Limp arms laid lifelessly at her sides, and her legs dangled from the chair she sat upon, the tips of her shoes barely scraping the dusky wood floor. Her head was bowed down, her chin resting on her chest, causing strands of wispy brown hair to droop in front of her face when she wheezed for breath from her flaring nostrils.

    [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Basically, she was a lifeless, little wench. Nevertheless though, her parents paid me to help her and help her I would.[/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Now,” I said slowly, tapping a pen on the circular glass tabletop, the clinking pleasantly ringing through my ears, “your parents say that your name is Kali, right?” [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She did not answer but continued to stare at her shoes through blank eyes instead. I heard her gurgle from the back of her throat, and I figured this was her way of saying yes.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    I've been a child psychologist for about eight years now, and I've had my share of unique children. Some were very angry. Some lied to hide the truth. Some were imaginatively strangled in the depths of my mind due to my frustration. But at least these children spoke, unlike this ... Kali girl who had not uttered an intelligible word besides that goddamn gurgle in the past three weeks. She was a puzzle that I couldn't figure out.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And how old are you again?” I asked in attempt to start conversation.[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Slowly, her limp limbs came to life, and her frail fingers unraveled themselves from clenched fists. She held up ten bent fingers, almost twig-like, jagged and frail. I nodded at this, and the girl dropped her arms, letting them flop around wildly before settling back in place, her smile still plastered on her face.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    This is how it goes everyday. Parents drop her off, kid sits at table, and then kid stares at shoes. I ask her what her name and age is, she barely responds, and then we sit in silence for the next forty-five minutes until her parents come back to pick her up. It was annoying yet worrying. Three weeks with no progress? This child was deeply troubled ... or I'm getting rusty at my job. The former sounds so much better.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Today would be different though. I refused to not get anything accomplished once again.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Kali, is there anything you want to talk about?” Another question I've asked her countless times yet still remains unanswered.[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She only smiled at the floor and swung her legs forward, her finely polished shoes shining in the light as she gripped the sides of her chair, refusing to answer the simple question. Latios, give me patience for this Kali.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Please, Kali,” I begged, dropping my pen and hearing it clatter against the cold glass. “Your parents are worried sick about you and so am I. What happened that night? What happened the night you got your first pokémon from Professor Birch?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She refused to speak but instead chose to gurgle through closed, chapped and cracked lips. She was a stubborn one, but I could make anyone crack if I put enough pressure on her.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Pushing up the thin, square frames that rested on the bridge of my nose, I re-read all the papers and documents that both Kali's mom and I collected the past few weeks while observing her actions. It seemed that day after day, Kali liked to sit on her bed and stare out the window – much like she was doing now – ever since that one fateful night Professor Birch gave her a pokémon. It was then when Kali lost all traces of emotion.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    I didn't understand why she was so afraid of pokémon that it scared her to an emotionless, monotonous state. Her mother told me that she should be used to being around pokémon, especially the rookie types, since her father is a famous pokémon breeder in Hoenn. It made things more troubling; she shouldn't have any problems with her own if that were the case.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    I turned the page and skimmed another document. This one said that Kali was a mischievous child that always got into trouble. She was also rather rich and spoiled which wasn't surprising since she was dressed in a fine, red satin dress adorned with white lace. A pair of polished Mary-Janes were slipped onto her feet along with white socks folded neatly to the ankle, a style that only prim and proper girls wore. I found it rather odd that her parents made her dress like this especially at the ripe old age of ten. Most five year olds wore this type of clothing because they had no choice, but by the age of ten, girls usually wore ratty old t-shirts and jeans with holes in them.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    I hid my frown and took off my glasses, cleaning the lenses with my shirt. Placing them back on, I gazed outside the window, peering at the outside world. The sun was eyeing down upon the little town of Petalburg with its golden gaze, its fingers gently warming the sandy ground. Clouds dotted the sky in small, little puffs, and a gentle breeze started up, gusting through the open window, kicking up the white satin curtains and drying the sweat upon my forehead. The twitter of a taillow rang, and the laughter of children echoed throughout the empty room of my office. The delicate, sweet smell of long grass floated into the room, and I whiffed it in, letting out a sigh soon afterward.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Nice day, isn't it?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    From the corner of my eye, I saw Kali shift as a response, lifting her head from off her chest to gaze outside the window. She nodded, her same smile still abroad her face, the sunlight reflecting off the table and into her blank, blue eyes.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Do you like days like these, Kali?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Another nod answered this.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Yeah, so do I. I love going and taking walks with my pokémon. Don't you?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    That got her attention. She snapped her head away from the window and glared at me, an awkward sight as she still continued to smile, clearly angered that I mentioned pokémon.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Good. We're finally getting somewhere.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    The hatred in her eyes continued to glow, and soon, her dull eyes were filled with fire, the first sign of emotion from the past three weeks. Mentally jotting this down in my mind, I continued mentioning pokémon.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Yes. My pokémon love taking walks with me as well. Wouldn't you love to do the same with your pokémon?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She shook her head furiously, her hair flying everywhere, whipping her in the face. My, she was angered by the word pokémon. The sudden reason of her hating them out of the blue just doesn't make any sense.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She crossed her arms as I began to shuffle through my papers again. Finding the certain journal article I wanted, I scanned it while continuing to glance at Kali. This journal was written by her mother about Kali going out to get her pokémon. It was eight at night, and Kali was one of the selected few to get her pokémon at night from Professor Birch. I suppose that Professor Birch was giving out nocturnal pokémon, and Kali signed up for that shift. She and her mother got in a fight earlier about what pokémon she should get. Kali wanted a poochyena, but her mother told her that it wasn't easy to train, especially if the poochyena had a vicious type of nature. Kali refused to listen and instead gave out a temper tantrum until her mother gave up and let Kali get her way. But when Kali came back, she was different. Different from before anyway.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Yes, it was a terrible fight,” I recalled her mother telling me as she blew her nose into her tissue, mascara running down her cheeks. “I don't like scolding my dear Kali, but she was being so stubborn and wasn't listening to a word I was saying. She threw so many of her precious, expensive pokédolls out the window out of anger. I suppose it was her version of 'revenge' toward me since I was the one that got her those dolls. Actually, I'm not sure what happened to them. They just seemed to ... disappear when I sent our butler out to find them.”[/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And she just acted ... funny when she came home?” I remember asking her.[/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Well, I suppose so. My husband and I were getting worried because all the other children were flocking back from the lab at around nine or so, but Kali hadn't returned. We assumed that she got lost, but we've gone through that darn forest so many times that she should have no problem finding her way back. The path is lighted by streetlights after all, and since it was so dark and so late, there were older trainers guiding the kids back. I wouldn't put it past Kali to wander off though. She gets distracted so easily. Anyway, my husband and I started to search for her at around nine thirty and found her wandering around the border of the forest, looking dazed and confused – much like now. It was like her spirit vanished. Her entire essence just seemed ... gone.”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Placing the paper back on the table and breaking my train of thought, my eyes bore into the fiery blue ones of Kali, trying to peer into her soul or perhaps try to snap her out of her angered state. This was to no avail and only made her more furious. I rested my elbows on the table and my chin on closed fists, continuing to try and read Kali like a book.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You have a pokémon. Don't you, Kali?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She frowned, snapped out of her trance, and furiously shook her head, denying that she held and controlled a creature within her possession. That was always one of my pet peeves with children; they were always so selfish. They always want something they don't have, and when they finally get it, they don't want it anymore. Perhaps she didn't like what pokémon she got, but that's not possible. After all, she got what she asked for – a poochyena.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Speaking of which, I had said pokémon in my possession. Her mother gave it to me today and told me that perhaps I could piece together her new ... “mood” by releasing her pokémon. Perhaps seeing the creature that she longed for so dearly would help bring her back to her natural, or original, state.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Reaching inside my pocket, I pulled out a red and white sphere, its metallic surface glinting in the light, causing the girl to growl from the back of her throat viciously. I ignored this though and pressed the white button on the ball, enlarging it from its small, marble-shape to the size of an oran berry. She continued to threaten me with a piercing glare and a loud rumble from the back of her throat, but to her horror, a shaggy, black and gray furred, crimson-eyed creature came out of the ball in flash of white light and silver sparkles. The creature shook and stretched itself from being cramped up in the ball as its soft, pink tongue poked its way between a gap in its sharp, white fangs. It barked happily, caught up in the excitement of being released. Its claws clicked on the glass table as its walked over, prodding my hand with its cold, wet nose, obviously wanting to be petted.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    I obliged the pokémon's wishes, scratching it on the head. “You know this poochyena don't you, Kali? It would happen to be yours, correct?”
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She only shuddered and pushed herself back in the chair, the chair's legs groaning in protest. Cowardly, she hopped onto her chair, hugging her legs tightly as if this would help protect her from the young hyena. The grin remained on her face despite the fact she was fearing for her life. I found this rather odd, mentally noting this in my head as well.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Continuing to pet the hyena, I asked Kali another question. “Didn't you want a poochyena, Kali? What makes you fear it now?”
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Again, she whimpered and scooted herself away from the table, fingernails digging into her skin.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]What happened that night when you got Poochyena? Did it bite you? Is that why you're so afraid of it? Did you get jumped at night? What caused you to become like this?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    The squeak of floorboards answered.
    [/FONT]

    “[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Why do you constantly smile? This isn't a bad thing, of course, but it's also okay to be content or even frown sometimes. It is like you're trying to hide something, Kali. Are you hiding anything?”[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Nothing but the laughter of children outside.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    I became more determined, and my questions came out more like demands.

    “Kail, why do you no longer speak? Why do you refuse to obey or answer anything? ANSWER ME, KALI!”
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She quickly turned her head, wispy hair covering part of her face. Stubborn wench.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Sighing, I continued to pet the poochyena through gritted teeth, trying hard not to yell again. I knew it was very unprofessional of me to yell at one of my patients, especially if one seemed to be in a traumatized state like she was. Good thing she could not speak or at least refuse to otherwise I would get myself in a whole bunch of trouble.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    To cover this up though, I set the poochyena on the floor and urged and pushed it toward her in hopes of her former love for such creatures would rekindle itself again. The poochyena got the idea and began to trot toward its trainer, panting happily. The girl only shuddered and pushed herself backward until the back of the chair met the white, plaster walls. She sat on the edge, ready to run just in case, gripping the sides of the chair, whimpering through a stitched smile. The young hyena only made its way closer toward Kali, and I couldn't help but grin at its attempts to get closer with its trainer.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Kali looked awfully frightened though as if she saw a ghost, and whatever small trace of flushed cheeks she had quickly disappeared. Looking around quickly, head shifting left and right, she got up from her seat slowly and stepped backward toward the wall, pushing herself against it, perhaps hoping she would turn transparent and float away from her supposed danger. Her fingers gripped the top of the chair as the young hyena came closer, and slowly, she raised the wooden chair above her head, her eyes narrowing to form a glare. Like an animal trainer and a lion in the circus, Kali jabbed the legs of the chair toward the poochyena, causing it to move back a bit in surprise though it still continued to move forward. I suppose Kali began to panic, for she threw the chair out of desperation, the chair almost colliding with the fragile body of the pokémon.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Unfortunately, a leg of the chair thwacked the poochyena right smack on the head before the chair crashed and broke against the glass table. The hyena let out a mighty roar of agony, causing Kali to scream shrilly to my puzzlement. She broke the seams, and out of her mouth came wispy, silver smoke, almost like it was pixie dust, that was quickly sucked out the window and floated away in a trail of dusty sparkles. She stepped forward a few steps, her arm outstretched, her fingers grasping the air, only to stumble in the opposite direction and fall backward, hitting the floor hard.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    I never knew that a rookie poochyena was capable of using “roar,” a move that scares off foes back whether wild or trained, but I supposed that it was yet another explanation of pokémon that us humans did not understand. Perhaps new “moves” were learned when the pokémon felt that the trainer could wield that elemental power. Perhaps pokémon were able to use moves that they should not know when threatened. But I'm no pokémon professor, so why bother figuring it out?
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    The young poochyena, who managed to calm down its beating heart, treaded over toward the limp body of Kali, licking its owner's face. It whimpered though and stepped back a bit, toenails clicking on the wooden floorboards, crimson eyes wide, startled. Its nose twitched a bit like its sensitive nostrils smelled something horrible, and its tail laid limp instead of the perky wag it had a few moments ago.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    Surprised at this, I got up from my chair, walked over, and inspected the girl from where I stood. Her long, cobwebby hair was sprawled out all over the floorboards, her eyelids protecting her dull, gem-like eyes. Her mouth, which was formerly closed like it were stitched that way, was opened into the shape of a perfect “O,” like she were ambushed. She laid down in an eagle-spread position, arms and legs stretched out like she was making snow angels. I bent down, brushing the hair out of her face, and instantly, goosebumps traveled up and down my arm, pricking up the hairs on my skin. I raised an eyebrow, peering at her through the top of my glasses, awfully confused.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    No wonder she looked so pale.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    She was dead.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]~[/FONT]​

    Hopefully I did it better this time. If not (or you have the case of the stupid right now), here are some hints about what happened (though I do recommend trying to figure it out on your own before reading the hints). I put them in three categories just in case you need a push in the right direction, though I won't tell you what happened. Yet anyway.

    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]These hints were in the story itself, but it's easy to bypass if you're reading it casually:[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]- psychologist's comment on the “roar” attack
    [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]- what time of day Kali “changed” and what type of pokemon come out during this time[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
    - take note of Kali's nature before she got her pokemon. Specifically, what actions she did the night she got her pokémon
    [/FONT]


    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]That didn't help, huh? Some in-story quotes maybe?[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]“She had one of those freaky, little smiles like the ones stitched on a doll's mouth.”[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I don't like scolding my dear Kali, but she was being so stubborn and wasn't listening to a word I was saying. She threw so many of her precious, expensive pokédolls out the window. Actually, I'm not sure what happened to them. They just seemed to ... disappear when I sent our butler out to find them.”[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]We assumed that she got lost, but we've gone through that darn forest so many times that she should have no problem finding her way back ... I wouldn't put it past Kali to wander off though. She gets distracted so easily ... [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It was like her spirit vanished. Her entire essence just seemed ... gone.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif][/FONT]

    “...
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]stepped backward toward the wall, pushing herself against it, perhaps hoping she would turn transparent and float away from her supposed danger[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif].”[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The hyena let out a mighty roar of agony, causing Kali to scream shrilly to my puzzlement. She broke the seams, and out of her mouth came wispy, silver smoke ...”[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I never knew that a rookie poochyena was capable of using “roar,” a move that scares off foes back whether wild or trained ...”[/FONT]


    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Still have no idea what's going on? Maybe the following pokedex entries will help:[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif][/FONT]SHEDINJA's hard body doesn't move – not even a twitch. In fact, its body appears to be merely a hollow shell. It is believed that this POKéMON will steal the spirit of anyone peering into its hollow body from its back.”

    “A cursed energy permeated the stuffing of a discarded and forgotten plush doll, giving it new life as BANETTE. The POKéMON's energy would escape if it were to ever open its mouth.”

    “DUSKULL wanders lost among the deep darkness of midnight. There is an oft- told admonishment given to misbehaving children that this POKéMON will spirit away bad children who earn scoldings from their mothers.”
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2009
  2. Diddy

    Diddy Renegade

    Professor I've got it!

    Now, I believe I've solved it. I had a faint idea when reading but the hints dorted it out.

    -The dolls she threw out of the window, that mysteriously disappeared, had transformed into Banette.

    -Banette as we know feed on bad feelings, like those of anger Kali was feeling before she recieved her pokemon.

    -On Kali's way home, she was ambushed in the forest by the Banette, revenge for abandoning them. Her feelings were sapped, as she was feeling no happy feelings, she was left completely emotionless. Subsequently turning slightly less human and more Banette as her essence sorta fused with those of the Banette assaulting her. This corrupted her appearance to the smiley visage the Psychiatrist was confronted with.

    -Although I'm unsure how the comment on the Roar, factors into the equation. Perhaps it links to the Banette being scared away by the Poochyena breaking the link between them and Kali and weirding her out.

    -Duskull, by the way the Pokedex entry is written, may factor into the ambushing I previously mentioned.

    -I can't see anything Shedinja related, I'll check back, but Red Herring maybe?

    Thats what I got.

    Very good, and Very well written btw. I had fun. I WANT MORE MYSTERIES TO SOLVE!
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2009
  3. Frosted Heavens

    Frosted Heavens Crystallized Wind

    Wow, a whole lot of different from your 'Lost Chronicles of Johto'...


    ... I really hate these kinds of fics, yet I still like them. Whee, making sense is my second name, I know >__>

    Let's just say that I like it when people interpret Pokedex entries in some kind of way, cause you manipulate original facts. Yet, even though this was beautifully written, it gave me shudders as I imagined myself next to that psychologist. But, your writing is kind of addicting and even though I shudder each time I read those last words, I have to say this is one wonderful work of fiction.


    In fact, I'd like to scream out "YOU HAVE TO REVIEW MY FIC!!" but since it's crappy, you'd probably not want to read it *very sly way of making you review anyway* xD


    Now, this is what I think happened to Kali, to mirror Diddy's post. I do have to mention that I imagined the story a little differently.


    -Since I only discovered what happened to the dolls after I read Diddy's post, I was kind of stuck on how Banette eventually ended up in Kali's body. However, it seems the dolls were thrown outside and turned into Banette, so this is what happened after that, I think.

    - Duskull 'spirits' her away and to the forest, since she is a misbehaving child, cause I don't seem to be able to it Duskull in the story otherwise.

    -However, since she knows these forests, it's a piece of cake for her to get out. I presume that along the way, she encountered Shedinja, and michievous as she is, she peers into that crack Shedinja has on its back. As the Pokedex entry describes, her soul probably was sucked out.

    - No soul, no life, so she must have collapsed. Banette happens upon her, angry at her for discarding her, but there are no emotions to be fed on. Solution, take over her body, or something like that (I don't see how Banette got into her body otherwise)

    - Since it's a ghost Pokemon, it's rather dreary and emotionless, but has to keep her mouth shut somehow to prevent her from releasing it back outside, as the entry states.

    -Roar happens, and gone is the Pokemon, probably ridding Kali of the only life she had left in her body.


    There we go, it's a real tear-jerker if you ask me, even though I don't cry that easily, but this is something that affects people in some way.

    Congratulations! Nice piece of work!




    +Frosted Heavens+
     
  4. Synthetic

    Synthetic Well-Known Member

    A spectacular, fascinating little piece of fiction, I must say. ^^ I was unsure of what exactly was going on, until I got to the end where I was almost positive that a Banette had been the cause of all this (and apparently, I was right).

    However, I can't think of a plausible way the Shedinja could have been involved in all of this, without more questions being raised. Duskull I can easily imagine whisking Kali's soul away and leaving her body on the path...

    I am struggling to figure out what would give a Banette (who I'm positive is the one inhabiting Kali's corpse) the desire to take up residence in Kali's body. Perhaps, if it has spawned from one of the dolls (or all of the dolls turned into Banettes, but only one came into contact with Kali again), it might have felt some shred of attraction to Kali (she is its owner and she once loved the doll, kind of thing) and, as a way to get close to her, took over her body.

    Wild theories, I suppose...

    Anyway, an excellent story. *Gives you a choc-chip biscuit*
     
  5. Loliboose

    Loliboose daniel

    I am glad rather to have read this; it was effortlessly enjoyable, like finding a few extra dollars in pair of pants that hadn't been worn in ages or like finding a few chocolate kisses in the back of cupboard on an annoying Sunday. I must applaud your writing style, the quality of which where the writing and description are full of meaning yet inversely proportional in effort to read. Your description is not some kind of assault, being bludgeoned to death or at least into a coma where all meaning is contrived and pointless but rather a subtle invocation where I can perfectly imagine the scene presented.

    Now, on to the nit-picking of individual bits:
    This kind of introduction is marvelous getting my attention. I see the girl and I -want- to know what is wrong with her (well more, specifically about her, as being a reader, I already having knowledge of the events, somewhat) because I can imagine the girl I can identify with the girl even in the most mundane things, such as arms hanging limp, something I have a habit of when I inhabit a chair. Possibly 'identify' isn't the most accurate word, though. Perhaps something in the same vein but not implying what 'identify' specifically does. But I digress, sorry. Coming full circle: I loved the start ^_^

    To me this is too subjective for a professional psychologist, especially a child psychologist. While the psychologist is a human being, with human fallibility and tactlessness, such thoughts seem rather out of place in the context of someone employed to help the girl. Something, in my opinion at least, that would more appropriate would be the psychologist remarking that he thought the parents thought the girl was a some sort of wench. Now that changes the family dynamic but still, it seems more likely.

    Gotta love those curses adjusted for the pokemon world vernacular, eh?

    Out of context, this sounds ridiculously funny. Just something I noticed.

    This did two things: Reaffirm my annoyance of the arrogant and rich and lead me to my first idea, or the formulation of my entire idea, of what happened to Kali. The mention of pokedolls immediately led me to the 'banette possessed her' train of thought though I found it strange at first that if it was so for a Banette to one, be born out of a doll, and two, possesses a human so easily, why it hadn't been, if not precedented, at least been mentioned in anecdotal stories or legends. However, I had to read more.

    Rich, spoiled, bratty, and air-headed. I'd probably hate the girl if not for her predicament

    For some reason, this is frighteningly ominous, like a heart monitor in an operating room emitting the last single heart beat and then that death-gong of a baying electronic screech. Like, this sentence feels like Kali's doom is sealed, on the chance that she's still alive.

    So, there's all that shiz. Grammar-wise, I did go through it a few times and I failed miserably at finding any errors, though that might be human error on my part than anything else. Everything else has been said already but thanks for writing and posting this almost delicious piece.
     
  6. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Amggg, a lot to respond to :D!

    Spot on. ;P

    Interesting ... No one has ever interpreted Kali's loss of emotion like that, though I can see how you would come up with that. The banette thing is right though, hence her "stitched" smile and why she never opens her mouth.

    Frosted Heavens answered that. Roar is used to scare a pokemon away if you remember from the games.

    Someone else somewhere said that dark attacks are super effective against ghosts via game canon, so I suppose that interpretation also works.

    But why? ;P

    Unfortunately, I think this is partially on my fault as I didn't make the shedinja's role more apparent. Its role did have to do with why Kali was "dead" though.

    Thank you. :) Mystery is one of my favorite genres to write. I might visit the old depths of flash drive and work on another mystery one-shot now.

    Thanks for reading, Diddy!

    I know, lol. "LCJ" is written when I'm usually on a sugar high. XD This was written/revised at like ... 2am.

    Love/hate relationship? D:

    Ah, I kind of hoped the ending would give the readers the shudders. :3 Sorry it did make you shudder though, lol.

    Already did. ;P

    Very nice. ;P One of the possible (and first) interpretations I got after I evaluated my own work (which was hard as I already knew the answer >_>).

    Yep. Again, Kali had that "stitched smile" to reflect banette and its inability to open its mouth.

    Thankies. :D I didn't know it was that emotionally impactful though, lol.

    Again, this reaffirms that I didn't make shedinja more apparent. ;-; You could possibly see it as a "red herring" like Diddy explained, but shedinjna did play a role in why Kali is, well, dead. :3

    It was disgarded after all, and banettes take for from disgarded dolls and feed off negative energy, like anger. Etc. Though your explanation is also interesting as well. :p


    *takes choc-chip biscuit* Thank you. :3 And thanks for reading!

    I love when all the things you explained happen, lol. I also hoped my writing style wouldn't be too ... vague for readers, especially for a story like this. I myself don't like "overdescription," but I know I sometimes neglect adding more detail. So thanks for telling me that.

    Lol, thank you. I know some readers absolutely hate the "character descriptive" starts because they end up rambling, so I'm glad you liked it. I didn't know any other "impactful" ways of starting this story other than with the description with the girl. Guess I wanted to get into the heart of it straight away.

    I kind of wanted to make the psychologist, for lack of a better word, a jerk for the sake that I could make the "interrogating scene" (the scene where he questions Kali about her poochyena) more intense. I really couldn't picture an objective, wholesome, or "nice" psychologist interrogating Kali like that.

    I do agree that it is subjective, and I'll think of a better way to make the psychologist's personality shine through.

    Yeah. "Latios" is my choice. Don't know why. I tried others, but latios just seems to fit.

    I'm sorry, latios. :3

    Mm, might need to reword that then, lol.

    Unfortunately, I think I am relying on the reader's knowledge of a pokemon too much here (ie disgarded doll turns into a banette because of it being angry for being thrown out). :x

    Lol. ;P

    You're actually the first to comment on that. Whee, lol. It is pretty subtle though and just sounds like mere description if you're reading it casually.

    I was particulary picky in trying to find errors before I posted this. I myself have been trying to establish myself as a reviewer here, and I knew if I had grammar mistakes, I'd get eaten alive over it. Haha.

    Thank you for reading!

    Cookies for everyone!
     
  7. Eclipse

    Eclipse I AM GONE.

    A real good mystery. Kept me guessing till the end!

    For me, someone who has a curiousity towards pschology, this fic was really interesting. From the first sentence, it gripped me. I'm still a bit confused over why Kali was so afraid of her pokemon; after all, it didn't hurt her, did it?
     
  8. robel2008

    robel2008 New Member

    To me this is too subjective for a professional psychologist, especially a child psychologist. While the psychologist is a human being, with human fallibility and tactlessness, such thoughts seem rather out of place in the context of someone employed to help the girl. Something, in my opinion at least, that would more appropriate would be the psychologist remarking that he thought the parents thought the girl was a some sort of wench. Now that changes the family dynamic but still, it seems more likely.
     
  9. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Depends on your interpretation, though I mostly did this because game canon (dark types have type advantage over ghosts and whatnot). Though I agree; I didn't really have a clear reason why "Kali" was afraid of her poochyena, so I'll adjust that whenever I have the time to revise again.

    Thanks for reading. ^^

    Unfortunately yeah, it would change the family dynamic too much. If the parents thought Kali was the "stubborn wench," I don't know if they would even care about getting her help.

    Personally, I thought he was pretty objective out loud when he spoke with Kali but subjective within his thoughts. I'll think of a way to let the psychologist's persona shine through without being too subjective though. Thanks for the comment.
     

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