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Stone'd: But Not in the Herbal or Death Penalty Ways

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Brutaka, Jan 1, 2015.

  1. Brutaka

    Brutaka Ignition

    This one-shot was written for the Serebii Yuletide of 2014 as a gift to JX Valentine. One of her prompts was basically to either have Steven Stone torment the gym leaders with rock puns, or the other way around. So yeah. I hope you can sympathize with Steven by the end of this.

    Warnings: Um... really, really bad puns?
    But Not in the Herbal or Death Penalty Ways

    A series of loud tapping noises burst from the speakers in the ceiling throughout the large, lavishly decorated rectangular room. In the middle was an ovular table with 14 chairs filled with a colorful variety of people spread around it. Candelabras lit the tablecloth with a dim light, and at the end of the table was a podium with a large microphone attached to it. Tapping that microphone was a sophisticated-looking man with light-blue hair. His fingers were decorated with many rings, and a stickpin in his black and violet coat shown with rainbow colors.

    "Testing, one... two... three... Okay, it appears that our microphone is working. In that case, I'd like to welcome you all to the Hoenn League Annual Meeting. Our first order of business is welcoming Flannery to her first meet here. How are you settling in at Lavaridge?" Steven Stone, Champion of the Hoenn League, looked with interest at the new Gym Leader.

    "I'm doing fine, uh, I guess. Sorry, I'm really nervous, I just, I'm worried that I'll mess up or something, and I just..." She fumbled with a fork out in front of her, her face petrified into in awkward grin.

    "Just breath, Flannery. You're doing fine, trust me!" assured a young girl across from her. Flannery relaxed at the sight of a friendly Roxanne and awkwardly laughed it off.

    "Yes, do not fret, Flannery. You should have seen Phoebe's first year in the League." Steven chuckled.

    "Well, and who can blame me!" Phoebe cried out. "You try living with ghosts for years at a time, and then let's see if you can reintegrate with society!"

    "All right, all right, calm down. Let's keep this civil. Now, Wallace, how is the Cave of Origin? Still doing well, I presume?"

    "Yes, of course," The man in blue and white said flamboyantly with a flick of his hair. "Same, boring nothing, just like every year."

    "Better than a catastrophe, anyway. Wattson? How is New Mauville?"

    "Meh. Could be better. It's acting kinda funny," the electric gym leader grumbled.

    "Yes, I remember you telling me something about that now. Well, keep an eye on it. All right, moving on-"

    Steven was interrupted as Liza shot up from her seat. "I'm bored!"

    "Ugh, Tate, control your sister, if you would. We need to get through this - we have a shcedule. Now then..." Steven clear his throat, only to be interrupted again.

    "No! I'm bored too!" Tate jumped down from his chair, took Liza by the arm, and ran outside. "Come on, Liza, let's go play psychic soccer!"

    "Okay!" The door shut loudly behind the twins.

    Steven sighed irritably. "When are those two going to grow up?"

    "Oh, come on, cut them some slack," Roxanne said, diffusing the tension. "I mean, to be honest, this meeting is rather... onyx-citing."

    "What?" Steven asked as he squinted at the young rock-type gym leader.

    "Unexciting. But, you know, onyx-citing, because, like, rocks," Roxanne giggled at her own joke.

    "I see. Well, this is a serious meeting, and this is the only time of the year we get to do this. Besides, you know rocks puns are just-"

    "Opal-ing?" Wattson offered with a big smile.

    The rest of the league chuckled mildly. Roxanne fist-bumped the old leader from across the table.

    Steven glared at the two leaders. "Are you done? Can we continue?"

    "Tch, now look what you've done," Wallace said with a smirk. "You've gotten him all... agate-tated."

    Another round of chuckles, this time more towards the grimace plastered across the Champion's face than the pun itself. "Can we please just get down to business?"

    "No..." whispered Norman, looking wide-eyed at the far wall. "It's too slate. We can't stop now."

    Steven groaned and banged his head on the podium. He let his head rest there, waiting for the room to calm down. Of course, it didn't. And the jokes just kept getting worse.

    "Oh, I see, Steven's too coal for us," Sidney remarked.

    "Well, he is Steven Stone, of quartz," spoke up Winona, who had been quiet the whole time.

    "Lithic, guys, I think he might be kinda mad..." Roxanne said with a smirk. Being the rock-type gym leader, a rock enthusiast, she knew all sorts of rock terminology. If she was being honest, she really loved where this was going.

    "Completely worth the humor iron-ed from this, just FYI." Wallace could barely keep back his laughter. It wasn't so much the puns that were funny - indeed, they weren't funny at all. They were just so terrible that it circled its way past shameful and somehow into funny again.

    "These jokes are just so down to earth, I love it," cried out Wattson with a roaring laughter.

    "Oh, come on, that one was sedimentary, dear Wattson," Glacia spoke up for the first time. Roxanne's head collapsed onto her crossed arms on the table in a fit of giggles.

    "I am glad that you did not take his name for granite, girl. Would have been a real shame," chuckled Drake.

    Glacia squinted at him. "Don't you have a rock-ing chair to be sitting in, ya ol' coot?"

    "I shale ask you the same question, ya cold bat!"

    She turned red in annoyance. "Why-"

    "Woah there! No need to fight, o-clay? You should just... just silt down and mica more jokes with us," Flannery said, putting her arm out between them.

    Roxanne laughed and high-fived the fire leader. "Yes! That was pyroclastic!"

    "Rock pun-off?" Flannery asked the stone enthusiast.

    "N-no, no, can we just please..." Steven moaned from the podium.

    Roxanne gasped. "Oh, you're so carb-on!"

    "Ha! You'll see that my knowledge of rocks isn't just super-fissile."

    "True, but do you have the cal[/i]cite[/i] to see these puns coming?"

    "Enough to knock you down to the fluorite. Check it!"

    "Chert, you are good. Where'd you learn it all?"

    "'Know thy enemy', though really, none of this truly does help in the arenite."

    "Ooh, that was weak. If you won't bring it, you're gonna get ark-osed, know what I mean?" Roxanne crossed her arms and smirked.

    "Eh, this ain't nothing. Though I should admit that foraminifera thought I might be done for. But it passed."

    "Wow, okay, I gotta admit, that was pretty cool." Roxanne looked at Flannery up and down. "All right, I'll concede."

    "Yes! Oh wow, I can't believe I just beat-"


    The leaders stopped their chuckling to look at Steven who looked in disarray at the podium. His hands gripped the sides so hard that his knuckles were completely white and his hands shook. "I've had it with these terrible rock jokes! I've heard it all before!"

    "Even the foraminifera one?" Flannery asked softly and sweetly.

    "Hm, no, not that one... but still! This is over! Now we're just gonna finish the meeting, and then we can all go home! Does that sound okay? Good. So, next order of business is..." Steven fumbled through some cards on the podium, "Ah! So it looks like Professor Cosmo's Meteorite was stolen. Anyone have any ideas on who it might be?"

    "Hm... no, but whoever they are, they are so rudite!" Roxanne called out.

    Steven stared at the young leader. His arms shook, and then he simply threw his index cards into the air. "Okay. That's it. I'm done. Meeting's over. I'm out." He walked quickly to the exit and called out, "I'm gonna find a cave to bury myself in. Wallace, you're in charge while I'm gone." The door slammed, and with that, the Champion was gone.

    "Well, that precipitated quickly," Wallace muttered to himself.


    Author's Note:
    So did you hear about the Broadway show called "Puns"?

    It was a play on words.

    In any case, I apologize that you had to sit through that. But hey, you made through it! I suppose that deserves a congratulations.

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