Survival Project (PG-13)

[Dragonicwari]

This is really good, but how the main charectar is written I'm afraid he is emotionally scarred and going to join team rocket.

 

[diamondpearl876]

SURVIVAL PROJECT​

chapter 5 ; [KUIORA]
logistics

*​

Violet City wasn’t violet. There were green gardens, brown buildings and white walking paths. Sadly, I didn't know what I had been expecting, but it was certainly more than this. New Bark Town looked similar, except organized in a different manner. A city full of flower houses and purple people would have better, I think.

Senori had a sad expression on his face when we got there. What could he be upset about? He had seen much more than me! I guessed he was upset about saying goodbye to whoever it was he left Sai for, but then he should have been happy. He was no longer being tied down. He was free, just as I was free from Professor Elm and pokémon I couldn't relate to. I told him to cheer up a few times, but he only said to not worry, he'd get over it soon.

Sai was unresponsive to the city at first too. He walked slowly as if in a landmine. That was until we came across a large building he called a school, and another he called a gym. A conversation sparked, then.

“You stopped here?” Senori said. “Normal kids wouldn't be excited about school. Normal kids would complain about how they wasted time there when they could have been raising pokémon. And normal pokémon like us would be dying of hunger or thirst by now...” he finished, holding his stomach.

“What's school?” I chimed in.

“It's where you can learn about a lot of things... especially pokémon-related things,” Sai explained. He looked inside the windows, his cheeks pressed against them.

Senori promptly ran in his direction and pulled at his legs. “Get away from there! You got lucky at the professor's lab, but they'll see you and think you're a freak here!”

“The lab...” I murmured. I hadn't noticed the two of them watching me at all. Senori must have been keeping Sai in line, like he was trying to do now. Sai moved, but not because of Senori's force. He brushed off the pokémon and went back to where he was standing before.

“You don't have to yell at me. I'm going in. I won't stay long, but I think it will help me get better,” he said.

“Get better at what?” I asked.

“Training... Raising pokémon... Getting badges and getting stronger as fast as possible.” He smiled.

“I can help with that! Professor Elm taught us how to train. I trained better than everyone else there.”

“Right. But that's different from real experience. These guys probably have experience...”

“Things generally turn out bad unless you train. And... Senori,” I said, turning to the sentret, “people should just bring food to us. That's how things work.”

“That's true," Sai said, "but I think we need to find our own food. So let's go. Happy now?”

“Yes!” Senori said, almost too loudly. “If you don't remember to sleep or feed everyone, there's going to be issues. Good thing I'm here.”

What were they talking about? Free time was best spent preparing attacks and strategies. Someone out there had a duty to feed us. It seemed they were slacking. “If we just wait here—”

“Shush.” He glared at me. I had never seen so much seriousness packed onto one face. “I know what you're talking about, but we don't need to deal with that anymore, okay? Let's go, Kuiora, Senori.”

He was favoring his true first pokémon over me, though he knew the truth. He knew what had to be done, and yet he chose to do otherwise.

I already didn't like him.

*

Sai took us to the store and bought enough food to last us forever. He also bought an unbelievable amount of pokéballs and a backpack to carry them in. I mentioned that he should buy the entire store since the owners were so willing to give their belongings away, but Senori said that he could only buy so much with pokédollars. That explained why Professor Elm never got a bigger lab for us, even after we grew older.

I wanted to stop thinking about Professor Elm, though. It was time to live my life. I looked at Sai and said, “Are you really planning on catching that many pokémon?” If Sai thought he had to catch several pokémon, then it meant he didn't believe in our strength. I would have to prove him wrong. A couple of teammates wouldn't hurt, as long as everyone contributed enough, but twenty pokéballs or more was overkill.

“What about medicine? Antidotes and stuff like that,” Senori asked, as if this particular topic interested him.

Sai paused. “Medicine has never helped me,” he said softly.

“It could work for pokémon.”

“...Then we'll get it later.”

“But you're already out of money,” Senori pointed out, lifting his hand to show an empty paw.

“We'll get more of that later too,” he replied, his voice stronger again.

That was the end of that. Senori shrugged and made his way over to the entrance, signaling his desire to leave. As we walked out, I noticed that the guy behind the counter was looking at us rather strangely.

*

Next, we visited a place called the Pokémon Center for the very first time. Sai never heard of such a thing, though Professor Elm mentioned it once or twice. The lobby was huge, large enough for other trainers to gather inside. They were conversing and showing off their pokémon to each other. I held on to Sai's ankle to avoid getting lost as we traipsed through the crowd. I didn't see any other totodile, so I wondered if anyone felt fortunate enough to see me with their own eyes.

Sai headed to the front counter and asked the worker what he could do with his pokémon here. The lady had pink hair and a soft but genuine smile. She happily informed him that she could take his pokémon from him to heal them.

“But I don't want to give away my pokémon.” He glowered at her. “I just got them.”

The lady frowned and looked as if Sai had hurt her physically. “O-Oh, we don't keep your pokémon here. You can come back and get them whenever you'd like. Or you could rent a room to sleep in and take your pokémon with you.”

Sai's face almost turned back to normal, but he was frowning. “Okay,” he said. “Well, maybe I'll come back when it's dark. Thank you.”

After turning and moving out of hearing range, Sai bent down and whispered to us, “Now we'll definitely get that medicine later.”

Senori nodded, satisfied.

*

Needless to say, Sai didn't want to go back to the Pokémon Center. We slept on the outskirts of town, in the grass. We didn't complain, since us two pokémon were used to it. Sai didn't seem to mind, either, though I couldn't understand why. Professor Elm always cringed at the idea of just sitting in the grass.

In the morning, Sai left his backpack with us and went off to the school, despite Senori's negative comments. He said he'd be gone until dark. We knew where he was, so it wasn't a big deal, but we didn't know what to do. We were practically strangers, and if tried to separate, we risked getting lost. Eventually, though, I had an idea.

“Let's catch a strong pokémon for Sai,” I said. “If he sees how cool we are, then he won't have to use all those pokéballs.”

Senori blinked. “I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like that. He seems a bit... picky,” he replied. He was sitting against a tree, eyes closed now. I glared at him for dismissing my idea in such a nonchalant way, but he didn't care. He continued, “I'm also tired. I haven't slept well since we're in unfamiliar territory.”

“He has to keep whoever we choose. We're his pokémon! He has to listen to what we want.” I went over to Sai's backpack, trying to figure out how to reach its contents. There was no apparent opening. The roadblock, along with Senori's annoying self, irritated me to the point where I ripped a hole into it with my teeth.

“Not following my advice, huh?” Senori quipped. “I bet you don't even know how to catch a pokémon.”

“I bet I could.” I pulled out one of the spheres with my paw. Admittedly, it was difficult to hold, but I managed it. Turning toward Senori I also pushed the button in the middle of the ball. It grew larger and I dropped it afterward, waiting for something else to happen. Senori snickered.

“You're a baby compared to me. You're fun to mess with. It seems natural for someone older like me to do...” he added sadly.

It's true—I was young. But he didn't have to rub it in my face! I picked up the pokéball, this time with two paws. “All I have to do is press the button again. Then I have to throw it at the pokémon I want to catch. Easy. Why don't you try catching something.”
Senori's eyes were closed again. I didn't warn him. I simply tossed the pokéball in his direction. It didn't occur to me for a moment that, when the ball got close enough to Senori, it would snap open and suck the little brown creature inside. But that's exactly what it did! It fell to the ground then, swaying back and forth every few seconds. Dumbfounded, I stood there, wondering why Sai hadn't already caught him formally. This shouldn't have been possible at all.

I expected Senori to break free and tease me. Instead, the ball stopped wiggling, and I was left alone to wonder what just happened. I had successfully shut him up. Now I had something to use against him whenever he made fun of me. I could also impress Sai this way...

Senori hadn't come out yet. What was it like inside a pokéball, anyway? The question would cause too much embarrassment, so I kept it to myself. I left the pokéball alone, recalling how tired Senori was. Plus, I wasn't a real trainer. Sai should have been there to clarify things himself. He should have been there to say this was an accident, and that I didn't have to feel weird about it.

I picked up the pokéball hesitantly. It didn't feel any heavier, nor was there any sign that a pokémon was inside, as if Senori didn't exist. Again I vaguely thought about releasing him, because if I were him, I wouldn't want to be erased so easily. I had so much to do! I had to get stronger. I had to be deemed worthy of the legends. And Sai made it seem like there wasn't much time...

I decided to put Senori in the backpack so I could train. I didn't need him around, talking about how he could do better just because he was older. I could get more done without him around. This was especially true because it was still daylight, and Sai wouldn't be back for a while.

I trained all day, all night, working on punches and kicks and aiming my water attacks correctly while causing damage. I had been hoping to find new training methods after leaving Professor Elm's lab, but I tried not to dwell on that and worked with what I knew. I trained even after Sai came back. When he came back he didn't ask where Senori was, and I didn't tell him what happened. He actually seemed calm for once, and with the awkward, tense demeanor he had presented earlier, I didn't want to hit a nerve. He slept in the wet grass, against a wet tree trunk, and I trained some more.

*

It was a good thing I didn't catch another pokémon for Sai, since he found one on his own. The new pokémon was a strange, intimidating creature named Atis. He didn't seem to like anyone, his head and feet had spikes on them, and when he battled in the gym, he fought impressively, scarily so. The battle was short, and even with the type disadvantage, he won without much effort. I wanted to be like him! I vowed to be used in the next gym battle.

I was able to see Senori too. That morning, Sai finally asked me where he was. I explained everything to him. Sai smiled slightly, but otherwise didn't react much. He tried every pokéball in his backpack until he found Senori's. He announced to us that we would be going to the gym later that day, and to be prepared. I'm not sure why, as he never intended for us to battle. But that was okay. Atis showed us the gym circuit's routine, and next time, I would know what to do.

“Was there a reason you had to go and catch me like that?” Senori asked when he saw me. We were standing in line, waiting to fight the gym leader.

Smirking, I said, “Yeah. You didn't think I could do it. So I did it.”

“You knew I was joking. At least I'm not tired anymore.” He shook his head and I realized he didn't have the heart to stay angry at anyone.

“Why didn't you break out of the pokéball? You were tired, yeah, but it should have been simple.”

“I didn't want to make Sai mad at me for wasting it.”

After that we were quiet and watched Atis, who was naturally quiet unless coerced into speaking. I have no idea how he accomplished such a feat, but he did.

*

Violet City... The place wasn't violet, but I trained, Senori rested, Atis left his home, and Sai learned an awful lot in the process of earning his first gym badge.

As we were leaving, the lady at the Pokémon Center was outside, unlocking the doors for the day. She shouted to us, saying there was a Pokémon Center in every town, but Sai ignored her. He hadn't even brought Atis there to heal after his debut, but then again, he hadn't sustained many injuries.

When we passed by the school, Atis peered into the windows one last time. I didn't question him. I would have to attract his attention through strength alone, not through mere curiosity.

Unlike the trip to Violet City, we ran into quite a few pokémon trainers and more wild pokémon on the way to the next location. Atis destroyed everything and everyone in one hit. Senori and I had a bit more trouble, which was expected. Sai had problems himself. He didn't know attack names. He gave us general commands and thought we'd comprehend and act on them in a matter of seconds, but sometimes we couldn't do that. How was I supposed to know what “ram your body into it” meant? I told him he must be talking about the body slam attack, which I didn't know. Someday, I'd learn it. Or someday, Sai would learn how to win (or lose) battles like a normal trainer. At the end of the day, I didn't mind which came first.

The hardest part about this trip was the cave we went through. We could tell the cave itself was old. Wild pokémon were afraid to come out since rocks were falling from the ceiling everywhere. Other trainers didn't want to take the time to battle. Senori voiced his concern about getting squished to bits, but Sai wasn't fazed. He walked where he wanted and rested where he wanted, with the team separating to find safe zones. I don't know how long we were in that cave, but it seemed like forever. We were far too paranoid about the rocks and having our lives end too soon before we really got anywhere.

Senori was the only one to be endangered. He had chosen a bad spot to occupy, and a trainer noticed. The rest of us weren't paying attention.

“Watch out!” said an unfamiliar voice, out of nowhere, and Senori's ears perked up. He looked above him and went to move out of the way. No one will ever know if he was too slow or not. The trainer crashed into him and the two went careening away from the rocks, which promptly and carelessly landed on the cave floor. I could hear Senori screaming not from pain, but from surprise.

Sai didn't react to the situation until after the noise of rubble subsided. The trainer got up and helped Senori to his wobbly feet. He dusted Senori off and then himself, then stomped furiously over to Sai.

“You should really watch your pokémon more,” he said. "Return them to their pokéballs or something. I came here not long after you, so I've seen you this entire time. I feel sorry for your pokémon.”

Sai stood up and stepped in front of the other trainer so that their faces were inches apart. “I'm sorry that happened and thanks for saving him. But don't tell me what to do with my pokémon. I have enough orders to follow without you butting in.”

The other trainer backed away and said, “A trainer makes his own rules, but should be careful with the rules he makes.”

“You don’t know anything about me. I’m as careful as I can and want to be.”

“Again, I feel sorry for your pokémon. It was none of my business, but if I hadn't come, your sentret would be dead. Let that sink in.” The other trainer walked away, only stopping to scratch Senori behind the ears for a few moments of reassurance.

Before Sai let him get away, he yelled, “How long have you been following me?”

“I'm not following you. We've all been in here for two and a half weeks now, which means you're even more lucky no one's been killed yet.” He didn't bother to turn around.

“Two and a half weeks,” Sai mumbled, making his way over to Senori. He bent down to see him face-to-face. “I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Let's just get out of here.”

Senori nodded, confused and shocked and full of dirt.

“Do you any of you want to go in a pokéball?” Sai asked loudly and clearly.

“No,” Senori said quickly. “Who will protect you?”

“...Fine,” Sai said. “And you two?”

Atis agreed, but I wasn't about to give up valuable training time. I was younger, more alert—so I could handle whatever came my way by myself.

When we started to move through the cave again, Sai processed just how much time had passed. He became increasingly agitated. He sacrificed breaks to travel more, muttering about wasted days. If we were hungry, we walked and ate. If we were thirsty, we took a quick drink from the wells and trekked on. If we were tired, we went in our pokéballs (at which point Senori thanked me for catching him). I saw Sai fight some wild pokémon himself, even the rock-types, and I made a mental note to myself so that I could see how strong he was some other time.

It took us three more days to get out of the cave. Somehow, Sai had been keeping track of the hours. It was nighttime when we reached the next town's outskirts, but Sai didn't want to rest there. His excuse said that being close to the cave was too dangerous. Being in the actual town would make him feel better. We slept in the Pokémon Center. Sai made it very obvious that he would be taking his pokémon into the room. The pink-haired lady behind the counter was baffled by his hostility, but agreed and gave him a room key for a certain amount of pokédollars, which we had won through trainer battles. Sai didn't sleep much, but we were fine. And we took every drink and piece of food offered to us by the workers who came by and knocked cheerfully.

We were in Azalea Town. Here, I got to train more, Senori saw how weak he was, Atis learned how to speak and Sai went absolutely crazy...

 

[Sidewinder]

Nicely done.

For some reason, this chapter felt different than the ones you've posted before. Not in a bad way at all, just different. The feeling was more intimate in a way; I think it was because of the conversations between Senori and Kuiora. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there's something about the two of them having a conversation really drew me in. Maybe its their backstories, or the way that they each view the world, but I like the fact that there is maybe the beggining of a lasting friendship developing. I've never read a fic where my favorite character switches from chapter to chapter. It's obviously the result of your great writing, but I usually just stick to one with anything I read. I switch my favorite alot in movies and television shows, but never in a written story. I like it...Anyway,

As always, your grammar was great. I didn't find any spelling or punctuation mistakes at all. I never do with you, so that should come as no surprise. At the end, it felt like it sped up a little bit too much for my liking, especially the bit where it took them three more days to get through the cave. After the incident at the beggining of the cave, I thought you were going to spend more time in it. I liked the parts where Kuiora commented on how water was sparse and stuff, I was just hoping for a little more detail about the cave and the journey through it. Besides that, I felt like the pacing of this chapter was really nice, so good work on that.

Another thing that stuck out for me was the part where Kuiora captured Senori in the Pokeball. Awesomely done. Not only is the concept of a Pokemon capturing another great, but Kuiora's inner dialogue about how she should realease him or not was hilarious. If you couldn't guess, I switched to her for this chapter. Her training all day to make sure she got stronger was really believeable, and I think you've done a really job creating a character that I can easily relate to. Aspiring to be better is no easy feat, especially when writing it; but you have done a really good job.

Another part was the interraction between Sai and the trainer that saved Senori. I could almost feel the heat radiating between the two of them as they spoke, it was pretty intense. I think it showed Sai's Pokemon exactly where his intentions were as well, but he made up for it at the end by apologizing (at least in my eyes). The other trainer, which they can obviously understand, kinda showed them the other side of being a trainer's Pokemon. When they guy reached down and scratched Senori's ear before he walked away was a nice little **** you to Sai. It really seems like something I would do if placed in that situation.

and where Sai went crazy for the first time.

Oh thank god. I can't wait to read the next chapter lol

All in all, nicely done. Great chapters are something I've come to expect from you, and you're still doing fantastic.

 

[diamondpearl876]

For some reason, this chapter felt different than the ones you've posted before. Not in a bad way at all, just different. The feeling was more intimate in a way; I think it was because of the conversations between Senori and Kuiora.

I think that may have something to do with the fact that I'm not really in introduction-only chapters anymore and there's more interaction between them. Even Senori's second chapter was more introduction than anything. That's my best guess, anyway. Either way, that's a pretty good thing, I'm glad you pointed it out.

As always, your grammar was great. I didn't find any spelling or punctuation mistakes at all. I never do with you, so that should come as no surprise. At the end, it felt like it sped up a little bit too much for my liking, especially the bit where it took them three more days to get through the cave. After the incident at the beggining of the cave, I thought you were going to spend more time in it. I liked the parts where Kuiora commented on how water was sparse and stuff, I was just hoping for a little more detail about the cave and the journey through it. Besides that, I felt like the pacing of this chapter was really nice, so good work on that.

Lol, I do like having no (or few) mistakes. I usually stop writing after a few paragraphs and go back to edit/proof-read what I had just written rather than going back at the very end to do it all at once. Your work never has a lot of mistakes in it, but I think it could help you get some of those easily missed mistakes you made your thread about. Dunno if it would help you, but thought I'd throw that out there.

Also, I agree that it was rushed there. :C I'll have to go back sometime and add more to it. I'm not really sure what happened there. The whole chapter was supposed to be a traveling chapter, but then I added things to fill in the blanks of Atis's chapter, and then said, "Well, I already showed/said all of the characterization stuff I wanted to add during the actual traveling part" so I shortened it. Oops.

Another thing that stuck out for me was the part where Kuiora captured Senori in the Pokeball. Awesomely done. Not only is the concept of a Pokemon capturing another great, but Kuiora's inner dialogue about how she should realease him or not was hilarious. If you couldn't guess, I switched to her for this chapter. Her training all day to make sure she got stronger was really believeable, and I think you've done a really job creating a character that I can easily relate to. Aspiring to be better is no easy feat, especially when writing it; but you have done a really good job.

Well, awesome. I'm glad you like all the characters enough to consider them your favorites.

Oh thank god. I can't wait to read the next chapter lol

Haha, I had a feeling you'd like that last line just for that. It should be interesting, I can't really wait to see how it turns out.

Thanks for reading&&reviewing!

 

[Sidewinder]

Lol, I do like having no (or few) mistakes. I usually stop writing after a few paragraphs and go back to edit/proof-read what I had just written rather than going back at the very end to do it all at once. Your work never has a lot of mistakes in it, but I think it could help you get some of those easily missed mistakes you made your thread about. Dunno if it would help you, but thought I'd throw that out there.

I can't believe that I never thought of that. Wow, I think that would help me out alot. I think I'll give it a try. Thanks!

Haha, I had a feeling you'd like that last line just for that. It should be interesting, I can't really wait to see how it turns out.

I sure did. Actual distress from Sai, yeah I'm definitely down for that

 

[diamondpearl876]

I can't believe that I never thought of that. Wow, I think that would help me out alot. I think I'll give it a try. Thanks!



I sure did. Actual distress from Sai, yeah I'm definitely down for that

No problem. Also if you didn't see I reviewed your next chapter for Requiem a few days ago (I just edited a post I made before).

And yup! I still have yet to decide a lot of things for next chapter, but hopefully it'll be up soon.

 

[The Great Butler]

Just finished reading this all, and boy, I sure am impressed.

I'll take a bit of an unorthodox approach and talk about Sai's Pokémon first. This is one point where the usage of changing perspective really helps, because it allows us to get intimate knowledge of a Pokémon's personality and nature immediately within a chapter or two of its debut. Senori has the most fleshed-out backstory so far, but I think Atis will prove to be very interesting upon further development as well. It's understandable that Kuiora has a little less right now, as she's a lab-raised starter Pokémon, but this latest chapter has already given us a good look at her, with more to come. This fic should be held up as an example of how to develop Pokémon as characters, I think.

I will put my thoughts on Sai behind a spoiler, because I think I know something about him.

Spoiler: Sai

I think he is the subject of some kind of experiment and his exploits as a trainer are being closely monitored. The name of the story - Survival Project - suggests this, as does his comment about 'orders' and his inexplicable amount of money that he was carrying. His incredibly naive approach to everything may be the result of being raised in a laboratory away from normal society.

He is an especially interesting character for several reasons. With his ... unusual ... approach to Pokémon training combined with only seeing him through the eyes of said Pokémon, he already stands out as a journey fic protagonist. I like his dice rolling, which comes off as a unique trait; it also leaves me to wonder what might happen if the roll ever didn't come up as he predicted. Assigning such mystery to a protagonist is another unique move that helps draw the reader into Sai's character.

All the asthetics are nearly flawless, as others have pointed out. I do feel that the pacing is at times a little fast, but this is usually balanced out by the multi-viewpoint technique.

All in all, I have to give very high marks, and say I'm definitely looking forward to more.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I'll take a bit of an unorthodox approach and talk about Sai's Pokémon first. This is one point where the usage of changing perspective really helps, because it allows us to get intimate knowledge of a Pokémon's personality and nature immediately within a chapter or two of its debut. Senori has the most fleshed-out backstory so far, but I think Atis will prove to be very interesting upon further development as well. It's understandable that Kuiora has a little less right now, as she's a lab-raised starter Pokémon, but this latest chapter has already given us a good look at her, with more to come. This fic should be held up as an example of how to develop Pokémon as characters, I think.

Glad you like the characters so far. And the point of view changes. I figured that if I told this from Sai's point of view, no one could get to know the characters at all, so yeah.

Sai spoiler

Hmm, well, I like the way you think, and you're the first person who's brought the title into consideration. I of course don't want to spoil anything, but I hope you stick around to see what I have planned for him.

All the asthetics are nearly flawless, as others have pointed out. I do feel that the pacing is at times a little fast, but this is usually balanced out by the multi-viewpoint technique.

All in all, I have to give very high marks, and say I'm definitely looking forward to more.

I'm glad you like it so much so far. I agree that the pacing is a bit much at times, and it's something I'll be focusing on more now that more things will actually be happening. Did you want to be added to a PM list or anything? Either way, thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

[The Great Butler]

If you have a PM list, go ahead and add me. It'll help me keep up-to-date.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I do indeed. Added, thanks!

 

[Dragonicwari]

If its not to much trouble I would like to be on your pm list as well

 

[diamondpearl876]

If its not to much trouble I would like to be on your pm list as well

Not a problem at all. Added~

 

[Jazz14456_Plebeian]

OK, been reading this for the past two days, and I'm loving it. So far, the backstory of Senori along with other intriguing aspects of the story, have lured and captivated my imagination as much as the first read of my favorite books. The grammar is faultless, or very near so. I think, so far, that the characters are this story's strongest point. I'm really excited for the next chapter, so please put me on the PM list.

 

[diamondpearl876]

OK, been reading this for the past two days, and I'm loving it. So far, the backstory of Senori along with other intriguing aspects of the story, have lured and captivated my imagination as much as the first read of my favorite books. The grammar is faultless, or very near so. I think, so far, that the characters are this story's strongest point. I'm really excited for the next chapter, so please put me on the PM list.

Yay, a new reader! I'm glad you like it so far. I hope you stick around to read more, and don't be afraid to point out issues with grammar or anything else. Added you to PM list.

Chapter 6 should be up sometime in the next few days.

 

[Jazz14456_Plebeian]

"The professor eased our sadness with food. He brought out various trays filled with different kinds of berries and he let us choose what we wanted. I just took a few of my favorite Cheri berries."
You know how you are not using capitals on pokemon and pokemon related trademarks of Nintendo? Well, I think that the only thing that should be capitalized, then, is when you are referring to a pokemon's nickname, or if you using the species name in place of that nickname. So shouldn't Cheri be lowercase with your rules of capitalization?

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Review for chapter one:

Your opening is decent, with thoughts entirely appropriate to a sentret, regarding scent and so on. It seems a little fragmented, could perhaps have a clearer train of thought, but in a way that manages to express the confusion and regret I imagine the narrator to have.

For some reason, I really like that you have a human attacking a pokémon. We as readers are so conditioned to assume that all combat with pokémon will take place via standard battles that confronting even a weak one seems bizarre. In any case, the realisation that the human is probably psychopathic, or at the very least an unusual character, is a most potent hook for readers. I love it.

The style flows slightly awkwardly but I imagine it’s a kink that shall be ironed out with practice so I’ll withhold detailed comment until I’ve read a few chapters and have a broader sample of your writing. Can’t fault your grammar though, which is a relief; as I’m sure you’ll agree, grammatical failings are an instant red flag.

The narration could probably use a stronger grounding in the experiencing of the event, if that makes sense. The sentret is analysing things and talking about the inevitability of their defeat and so on but it feels emotionless. Of course, the narration is in hindsight, but I imagine this is a traumatic experience and some clearer reference to that may enhance the passage. Perhaps sentret could shake, or taste blood. While you’re at it, the human probably smells of the wild rather than urban settlements and sentret remarking on that would be good to see. That’s only a suggestion, though.

The creepiness of the human as he grips his wrist is perfect. Fixating on the knuckles is an ideal technique to use, and it works well. I’m still holding to my psychopath theory. His dialogue is also suitably eerie, and although sentret isn’t all that shocked he understands pokémon speech, neither is the reader, so that’s fine.

The characterisation of Senori is interesting; he – if Senori is male – knows a great deal about humans and is aware that he is too often lost in thought. The obvious inference is that he’s insatiably curious about humans, that his clan disapproves, and this is why he’s more or less okay with being captured. I approve of him not immediately accepting it and having concerns other than the human’s journey; it’s an enormous relief from typical journey fics where pokémon are only too happy to drop everything for their new master.

After the human claimed Senori was absolutely the only possible sentret he could have, I made a leap in logic to assume this is a Nuzlocke fic. If I’m right, I shall be enormously pleased for numerous reasons. The use of the die is also intriguing, and another good hook. Even if I weren’t reviewing as part of an exchange, I would still feel compelled to read onwards.

Sai is fascinating and I don’t know what to make of him, Senori is a pleasantly interesting narrator who obviously has a fairly developed personality from the beginning, and there’s enough unknowns without being irritating that this opening chapter has very successfully pulled me in. I can tell I’m going to enjoy reading the rest.

Expect a review in equivalence to this one for every chapter with superior analysis if possible, given that I’ve written this one while quite tired.

As you said to me, feel free to selectively ignore me, as I am not always right. And as you said to me, keep it up~

 

[diamondpearl876]

"The professor eased our sadness with food. He brought out various trays filled with different kinds of berries and he let us choose what we wanted. I just took a few of my favorite Cheri berries."

You know how you are not using capitals on pokemon and pokemon related trademarks of Nintendo? Well, I think that the only thing that should be capitalized, then, is when you are referring to a pokemon's nickname, or if you using the species name in place of that nickname. So shouldn't Cheri be lowercase with your rules of capitalization?

It makes sense to me. I guess I wasn’t thinking since berries aren’t as commonly used in the fic as, you know, pokémon names. Lol. I’ll change it and keep it in mind for the future, thanks!

For some reason, I really like that you have a human attacking a pokémon. We as readers are so conditioned to assume that all combat with pokémon will take place via standard battles that confronting even a weak one seems bizarre. In any case, the realisation that the human is probably psychopathic, or at the very least an unusual character, is a most potent hook for readers. I love it.

You’re one of the few people so far who have seemed to like Sai, haha. That’s good to know.

The style flows slightly awkwardly but I imagine it’s a kink that shall be ironed out with practice so I’ll withhold detailed comment until I’ve read a few chapters and have a broader sample of your writing. Can’t fault your grammar though, which is a relief; as I’m sure you’ll agree, grammatical failings are an instant red flag.

Indeed. I plan on re-writing this first chapter sometime, especially since, I’ll admit, it was written a couple years ago… and all the other chapters are recent. Aside from minor edits, I didn’t particularly know what to do with it, so I wanted to wait until I got some comments about it, and now I think I could handle it better.

The narration could probably use a stronger grounding in the experiencing of the event, if that makes sense. The sentret is analysing things and talking about the inevitability of their defeat and so on but it feels emotionless. Of course, the narration is in hindsight, but I imagine this is a traumatic experience and some clearer reference to that may enhance the passage. Perhaps sentret could shake, or taste blood. While you’re at it, the human probably smells of the wild rather than urban settlements and sentret remarking on that would be good to see. That’s only a suggestion, though.

I’ll take that into consideration. The sentret though is supposed to be completely lost in his thoughts and be rather emotionless. As he mentioned, there was another event that happened with his clan, and I think he’s still stuck on that trauma and doesn’t really consider Sai attacking him as another traumatic event. He considers it as more of a punishment that he shouldn’t really be complaining about.

After the human claimed Senori was absolutely the only possible sentret he could have, I made a leap in logic to assume this is a Nuzlocke fic. If I’m right, I shall be enormously pleased for numerous reasons. The use of the die is also intriguing, and another good hook. Even if I weren’t reviewing as part of an exchange, I would still feel compelled to read onwards.

I’m glad you’d read it anyway, though sorry to disappoint you, it’s not a Nuzlocke fic! Though there is another reason that Sai believes Senori is “special” that will be revealed eventually.

Sai is fascinating and I don’t know what to make of him, Senori is a pleasantly interesting narrator who obviously has a fairly developed personality from the beginning, and there’s enough unknowns without being irritating that this opening chapter has very successfully pulled me in. I can tell I’m going to enjoy reading the rest.

Good to hear. This is an especially character-driven fic, so the characters are obviously important. I do hope you enjoy the rest.

Thanks for reading/reviewing!

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

You’re one of the few people so far who have seemed to like Sai, haha. That’s good to know.

I actually find this surprising. He's very interesting, and his bizarre behaviour endears him to me over any Ash-expy.

Indeed. I plan on re-writing this first chapter sometime, especially since, I’ll admit, it was written a couple years ago… and all the other chapters are recent. Aside from minor edits, I didn’t particularly know what to do with it, so I wanted to wait until I got some comments about it, and now I think I could handle it better.

Trust me, I know that feeling. Best to add a note to the beginning informing new readers of that, if you ask me, an go back to revise it after you've settled into your stride.

I’ll take that into consideration. The sentret though is supposed to be completely lost in his thoughts and be rather emotionless. As he mentioned, there was another event that happened with his clan, and I think he’s still stuck on that trauma and doesn’t really consider Sai attacking him as another traumatic event. He considers it as more of a punishment that he shouldn’t really be complaining about.

That might be a pretty good way of making that clear, then. Senori tastes blood but doesn't particularly care because of his transient concerns. Don't worry though, I did get that he has other issues on his mind that numb the shock of Sai's appearance. I have a guess as to what, but I'm not sure if I should say what I think it is...

I’m glad you’d read it anyway, though sorry to disappoint you, it’s not a Nuzlocke fic! Though there is another reason that Sai believes Senori is “special” that will be revealed eventually.

No worries, it's not a disappointment. Again, I have a guess, but I'm withholding it...

Good to hear. This is an especially character-driven fic, so the characters are obviously important. I do hope you enjoy the rest.

Thanks for reading/reviewing!

I shall! Expect a couple more reviews by the end of the week.

 

[Sid87]

Since I'm late to the party, I'm going to review this chapter-by-chapter as I get into it so you can have my progressive thoughts. So...chapter one!

Here's one line:

Was this guy a trainer?

I have no idea why, but I didn't like this, and I think it was the use of "this guy". It seems like such an oddly colloquial term for a pokemon to use. "The human", "My attacker"; these were all others ways he was referred to that worked just fine, but the odd use of "this guy" made feel somewhat off. This one is just my opinion, though.

His words: non-existent, yet sharp enough to break the skin.

I wasn't enamored of this, either. Just because his words WERE non-existent, so how could Sentret have been hurt by them? I get that it is nice wording, but I think a better way would have been "His THOUGHTS: unreadable, yet sharp enough to break the skin". Because Sentret clearly has designs on what the attacker might be thinking (and they sting him), but he can't actually read them.

Okay, that's pretty much it for the "negatives", and they're pretty easy (also, basically just opinions on my end).

So, I hate the trainer kid here, but he's fairly well-done. I wonder how old he is...if I had to guess, I'd say in his tweens? He doesn't quite seem to be the standard ten-year old (but he could be). I absolutely like that he doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing, and he communicates his lack of knowledge as anger and violence, which is a very childlike thing to do. Something has to have happened in his life, right? Because he's obviously jaded and angry to the point of over-aggression. But he obviously wants to be loved, too, which is well displayed in his interactions with Sentret. I'm very curious as to what has made him the way it is (and why he looks at the pokemon journey as...I dunno...a chore or a bother when it should be happy). I really feel like this could be Silver from the G/S/C series, but I doubt it is.

I also hope we come back to Sentret's clan somehow. What happens to them after Senori leaves? Are they unprotected? Happy he's gone? Sad? Oblivious? I want to see Senori come back to them somehow because they are apparently so important to him.

That said, I can't tell if I like Senori or not, but in that good way that means he is well-written. He's so whiny and needy and self-effacing. I want to feel bad for him, but I want to tell him to shut up and man up at the same time. I'll be curious to see how he changes.

 

[Sid87]

Chapter 2!

They had all been born from the same egg, created by the god of the pokémon universe.

Another line that just doesn't sit well with me. Pokemon and humans do exist in the same universe (unless whoever is narrating this fable about the boy and the girl is someone who oversees entire multiverses). Are you just trying to say that Pokemon and humans have a separate god? I could see that, but then I'd just say "the god of pokemon" and leave out the universe bit entirely.

“Sai,” I said. I kept repeating the name over and over in my head. Since all of us were called by our species name and had to rely on the differences in voice and body sizes, I had assumed that humans were similar. I had imagined that perhaps they were all named Elm and that they all had to identify each other by individual, unique characteristics. But it looked as if they all had different names! I was learning a lot already.

Nothing to correct here; I actually just wanted to say I kind of loved this part.

I like the almost religious nature of the Totodile: his reverence towards basic things like the sun or grass and how "the legendary pokemon" put them here. And, of course, I like his pride foiling Senori's weakness and uncertainty. A lot of characteristics I've seen attributed to pokemon: weak, strong, bullyish, happy, chipper, depressed. But I don't think I've seen any that I would categorize as religious or reverent. Nice touch.

We didn't get any further glimpses into Sai's character here, as he was pretty pleasant and happy with Kuiora (which, btw, I can't even begin to imagine how to pronounce. Koo-EE-or-ah? Koo-YOR-ah? KOY-rah? Help me out here). I guess there's the mystery of his lack of a trainer's card, which probably means more than I was taking it to. Is he really from Vermillion? That bit of dialogue felt like a lie to me. I guess we'll see where it goes from there.