SURVIVAL PROJECT
chapter 6 ; [ATIS]
escalate
*
I lost track of days not long after I left Violet City with Sai.
Saying goodbye to Earl was easier than I expected. He was happy for me and seemed all too eager to give me away to a boy who was leaving his school much earlier than the rest of his students. That was his personality. He was caring, trusting and he always had everyone's best interests in mind. I wondered if he would miss me or if he didn't want to let me go, but I promised myself I wouldn't dwell on it. If I thought about it too much, I wouldn't be able to stand it.
Even if he didn't want me to leave, I would have done so anyway. Leaving gave me a better chance of finding joy. Although Sai was different, it was this lack of normalcy that attracted me to him. Maybe, just maybe, I could change him. I could deter him from pokémon training. I could be something. Someone. The path to Azalea Town boosted my confidence, especially when Senori almost got hurt, but was saved by another trainer. Danger and criticism could be used against Sai during my efforts. Not that I was glad Senori was put in that situation... but it did work to my advantage in the end.
I lost track of days, but I focused on using my time wisely rather than watching it pass by.
Sai made it hard to lose track of days, though. He said it took a little over three weeks to get out of the cave. During the last few days, he was walking so fast, I struggled to keep up with him. If I got lost in my thoughts like I usually did, I went the wrong way and panicked. So I tried to focus. I could hear him mumbling numbers over and over as we went through the rest of the cave, with him assuming we were close behind. While battling seemed important before, time was now important. He was obsessed with numbers and speed, as if his life depended on it. Kuiora noticed, but didn't care much. She only tried to get his attention by instigating fights with wild pokémon. And Senori looked at him with concern, too paralyzed to say a word.
When we arrived at Azalea Town, Sai suddenly scattered and escalated to a pace no one else could follow.
The first night was normal enough. He wanted to sleep in the Pokémon Center, as expected. No trainer could resist the luxury of a real bed, though he didn't hide his disdain for the nurses there. They were nice anyway and gave us a room with two beds and other standard human things. I watched from the doorway as Sai paced anxiously. Kuiora and Senori stared at objects that perhaps only I had seen before—lamps, carpet, indoor plants. They tread lightly, refusing to touch anything, as if it was all sacred and fragile. At one point, a worker knocked on the door and offered us pokémon food, and then they acted like we were at a birthday party.
My tiredness, on the other hand, was overpowering. I was kept awake by their noise, but the night soon ended. Kuiora and Senori slept together on the bottom bunk since they were closer friends, while I took the top so that no one could see me. Sai didn't sleep at all. He paced, back and forth, talking to himself incomprehensibly. I thought I could feel his stare, but I was too exhausted to question it. Anxiety had a limit when you were constantly on the verge of being crushed by rocks, I supposed...
*
When the sun rose, Sai woke us. I thought I was having nightmares about earthquakes, but it was just Sai shaking the bed. That was his version of an alarm clock. I sat up and controlled my uneven breathing, telling him to stop. He ignored me, yelled about breakfast, and then he was out the door.
I climbed down from the bunk ladder and saw Senori and Kuiora wearing confused expressions. I steadied myself on the floor and thought to make a break for it like Sai had before they could ask me anything.
“I like Sai's style today,” Kuiora said, not bothering to let the boy get to her. She bounced off of her bed and smiled. “I'm going to get some food too.”
Senori soon followed her, though silently. I stood in place for a few moments, contemplating my choices. Enjoying the peace and quiet was an option, but I couldn't hide forever if I wanted to be a part of Sai's life. Finding comfort in the soft carpet's warmth, I made my way out of the room.
I saw Senori turn the corner. The whole hallway was as quiet as he was. Everyone else must have been sleeping... and while I was thinking of this, I bumped into Senori's back.
“I-I'm sorry,” I said bashfully. I ran my foot along the carpet, seeking more comfort.
“It's fine. I'm not sure where Sai went. Do you know?” Senori said.
“No... Maybe we could try to get a nurse to tell us where to go...”
“Good idea.” With that, Senori took the lead and moved forward. I ran after him. I scouted out the place and pointed out the pink-haired nurse when I saw her. Senori nodded, went up to her and tugged at the bottom of her white skirt. She was talking to someone, but she took notice of Senori and asked the poor pokémon if he was lost. He nodded again.
“What are you looking for, dear?” she asked.
“...Food. My trainer went to get food,” Senori said dumbly, gesturing toward his mouth with his paws.
“Don't worry, silly. I can understand pokémon,” she said, chuckling slightly. “I spend enough time with pokémon to know what they're saying, no matter what species. Anyway, the breakfast room is through that door.” She pointed behind Senori, then turned away to continue talking to the other person, a boy who looked a bit familiar. I didn't stick around to identify him. I followed Senori to the breakfast room instead.
When we went in, however, Sai was gone. Kuiora was obliviously eating everything in sight, especially the berries. She didn't see us come in, and we had to raise our voices before she acknowledged us.
“Sai came in here and then left. Didn't even eat,” she said in between bites of food.
“You didn't go with him?” Senori asked, tilting his head to the side.
“Nah. I'm hungry... and he's the trainer, not me.”
“Huh...” Senori turned to me. “Sai seems rather upbeat today. I'm not really sure if we should go after him and risk ruining it.”
“You can eat,” I said. Interacting with the two of them was the last thing I wanted, so I offered to go after Sai. The sentret gave me a skeptical look. I said I'd be careful and dashed out of the Pokémon Center.
*
The sunrise looked beautiful outside. The city was half bright, half dark, as the forest to the west towered over one side and the sun lit the other. With so little people out this early in the morning, finding Sai was an easy task, though deciding whether or not to chase him was not.
When I found Sai, he was entering a random house.
For all I knew, that could have been his house. I didn't know where he was from, but it wasn't Azalea Town, right? Why sleep in the Pokémon Center, then? He wasn't the kind to like being in the presence of others, however. I understood this, but there were more efficient ways of avoiding those you lived with...
I ran through the small town, directly toward the house, hoping I wouldn't forget which one it was by the time I got there. All the buildings looked the same, just as all trainers are the same. The door was propped open and I stepped inside, my heart racing. I told myself this was no different than entering the school. Everyone was allowed here, even if it belonged to Earl. The owner here had to be as nice as he was.
I froze when someone tried to walk out, colliding with me unexpectedly. I stumbled, landing on my back. I made no attempt to stand. The idea of being caught in someone else's home was enough to make me cry.
I was lucky. It was Sai.
“Atis!” he cried. He reached down and lifted me to my feet. There was something weird about his eyes. I knew they were a dark blue, but now they were glazed over. Deadened and desperate, somehow, though his demeanor said otherwise.
“Um, hi,” I said lamely. I couldn't stop looking at his eyes.
“I'm sorry I skipped breakfast, Atis. I wanted to go out and, you know, meet people. The door here was unlocked but I went in a room and no one was there. And this place is big and cozy. I can't take it, I'm not used to it, but I'm going to try again, okay?”
He was speaking too fast for me to fully understand. Something about seeing people and growing accustomed to it.
“Okay. Let's go to the next house.” Sai held on to my arm and pulled me. I didn't have much time to process what was happening. I made a whining noise as I wondered why houses had to be so close to each other. “What's wrong, Atis?” Sai asked. He turned the knob. Thankfully, it was locked.
“I, uh... You can't just go in these houses,” I said.
His eyes widened in response. “Why not? Senori always says things like that.”
“They're private. You have to ask the owners to go in.”
“Oh. I guess homes are too good and cozy for everyone to have,” Sai said, though his voice was still upbeat, as Senori would have put it.
“Uh, right...”
“Well, we now have a goal for today.”
“We do?”
“Yes. We're going to get invited to everyone's home. We'll get to everyone in town.” He grinned.
“Oh...?” I started, but Sai had already wandered off to find someone. He was pulling me again and I was too late to keep him from talking to a girl who didn't seem quite as puzzled as I was. It was a close contest. Her hands grabbed on to the straps of her bag and her lips were parted, as if she were going to say something, but she wasn't sure what. I'm sure she felt as disconnected to Sai as I did. It was the opposite for Sai... He was feeling more, connecting more—at the expense of his dignity, no doubt, yet he nevertheless was making an attempt at being human.
“So, yeah...” I heard Sai say. “I'd really, really like to come by and see everything and, uh, talk.”
The girl peered around nervously. Then she spotted me. I was standing behind Sai's legs, staying hidden but open enough to stop him from doing anything too stupid. “Are you a trainer?”
“Yes. This is Atis, my hitmontop. He's a little shy, but that's okay.”
“My brother's a trainer,” she said proudly. “He just got back to town after getting his starter. He's been complaining about being around non-trainers, so maybe he'd like you to come over.”
“That'd be nice. Let's go,” he said, taking a step toward her.
“I-It's a bit early right now. Why don't you come back later? For dinner. Just remember which house I live in, okay?”
Sai's face fell, but he didn't lose his spirit. He said goodbye to her and told me he was going to search some more. He was off again. What luck he had, after all, getting one step closer toward his goal not even five minutes into his adventure... And what terrible encouragement that was too.
The next few people he talked to, though, were trainers who didn't live in Azalea Town. They were nice to give away their phone numbers in case he ever needed something. When he explained he didn't have a phone, he was advised to get one—and soon. It was helpful to have back-up help if necessary. I approved of the tactic and then wondered what kind of experiences brought on that warning...
And while I was lost in my thoughts, Sai had left again.
At least I could assume he was going to the pokémart. I located a blue roof and a sign indicating the store's name. Inside, Sai was talking to the sales clerk, presumably asking for a phone. We were there for hours... which was the longest amount of time I had seen Sai sit still thus far, if you didn't count the adventure in the cave. There was just so much to choose from, Sai pointed out. Some phones had special features and there were different shapes, different sizes...
In the middle of their conversation, I no longer bothered to stick around. He was rambling and the sales clerk couldn't understand me, as it turned out. I roamed around, seeing what other materials humans were able to buy. Somehow I landed in the clothes section. People needed clothes for everyday use... There had to be millions upon millions of shirts, pants, socks. Were there really enough workers out there making all these clothes for trainers and non-trainers?
I went back to Sai, satisfied with my findings. I frowned when I saw three phones in the grocery bag he was holding. He went on about their essential features, the games available to play and maps to look at, as well as information about regional pokémon.
“Don't you only need... one?”
“I couldn't decide which, so I bought them all.” He put them in his backpack. “Where were you?”
“In the clothes aisle.”
“Good idea, Atis. We need some clothes.”
He didn't examine any article of clothing for more than a moment, nor did he put them back on the proper racks. He threw them on the ground sometimes, irritated. He bought a green pullover sweater, pants that fit, and shoes I thought might get thrown away soon after purchase, seeing as how he already had a pair. I was even more perplexed when he picked out baby clothes.
“Um, Sai? You're not a baby...”
“I like them,” he said. “I don't know. Maybe you or Senori or Kuiora could wear them. You guys are small.”
I blanched.
*
It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to get us back to the Pokémon Center after his second shopping spree. Senori and Kuiora were waiting outside the room, waiting for us to bring them the key. Sai opened the door and I sighed happily—until I remembered he had to go see that girl for dinner...
I flopped down on the bed anyway, but then Senori came to me and questioned everything. He was worried and didn't know what to do.
“I'm not really sure what happened today, either,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“He ran around everywhere, being super social, and he wasn't angry. He bought more... Didn't you say he was out of pokédollars?”
“I did say that.”
“Winning battles, maybe? Or he had more than you thought.”
Senori didn't answer. A few moments of silence passed.
“Anyway,” I started again, “we're going to be leaving soon... for dinner.”
“Dinner?”
“Yeah... Apparently, Sai now thinks that the town and everyone in it is his friend.”
Senori's face brightened. “That's a good thing!” he cried.
I didn't get the chance to protest as Sai came behind me and tried putting on a t-shirt he bought earlier. Luckily or unluckily, he failed.
“Atis, your head is too fat. I can't get this on you,” he said, pulling it down hard. When I could, I ducked down and pelted forward, releasing myself from the boy's grasp. He went to Senori, who had a narrower head, allowing the shirt to fit. It was a white shirt that had a plain pokéball image on the front.
“Do I get a shirt?” Kuiora said, suddenly appearing and pulling on Sai's sleeve.
“I bought a lot, so sure...” he said, grabbing another. Kuiora's was black and designed with swirls and stars and other random adornments. I preferred that shirt if I had to have one, but it got ripped due to the totodile's red spikes protruding from her back. Kuiora didn't mind as long as it was wearable.
Sai took us to the Pokémon Center's lobby. It was almost dinnertime, and so the lobby was loud and full of trainers and their pokémon. Sai spent a majority of the evening showing off his partly dressed pokémon. Whenever he introduced me and told the Violet City gym story, I felt my face redden in embarrassment. I was the only evolved pokémon in the room, and I just knew they were all staring at me. Some girls thought it was cute, but most were in a hurry to get a head start on their journey before dark. Those trainers brushed him off and I was relieved.
*
Despite the girl's warning, we couldn't remember which house was hers. I left it up to Sai to figure it out, but he didn't. Thanks to Senori's generous suggestion, Sai knocked on various doors and asked for her, whatever her name was. It took us an hour to find her. Sai wasn't keen on putting me in a pokéball when I asked, so I rested when I could. I hadn't been with the boy for a month, but I knew anything could happen during this meeting.
When we found her, I noticed her features more. Blonde hair, big dark eyes, a narrow face with soft skin and a small mouth. She looked an awful lot like the guy who saved Senori... At the school I had to memorize faces and there had been siblings there over the years. If my assumptions were correct—and I didn't think I was wrong—this wouldn't go over well.
The girl announced that Sai had missed dinner. She didn't think he was going to come, so she ate alone. And she didn't have pokémon food, though her brother was shopping for some at this very moment. That only heightened my suspicions. Sai pushed past her and walked inside anyway. She gasped but didn't scold him.
Kuiora took the lead and went in. He was our trainer and we couldn't get in trouble for being loyal, she said. Senori agreed. I was about to tell him about my observation but I decided against it.
“Your house is very pretty,” I heard Sai say. He was right. The home felt full and complete. This home belonged to people who had lived here a while and would continue to stay. Everything was clean. There were several pieces of furniture, all of which were worn yet cared for. The walls were adorned with paintings containing inspirational quotes. The lights were perfectly dimmed. I felt invisible, but I knew the girl was wary, watching us. We were weird and new, but mostly weird.
The other three—especially Sai—were interested in simple things. Tables, doors, couches, kitchen supplies... What were they made of? Where did she get them? Why did anyone need a table, anyway? The girl's replies were hesitant, but she was polite. I admired her for it. This certainly had to be awkward for her...
“I don't mean to be rude... I'm curious. Where are you from?”
Sai stopped. He answered passively, “Vermilion City. My home was special.”
“Oh? How so? I don't know much about the Kanto region.” She sat down at the table and motioned for Sai to join her, but he didn't. He missed the gesture entirely, or he was fascinated by the chair to the point where he was afraid of breaking it.
“I've never been in a kitchen. People brought food to me,” he said, nodding to Kuiora as he spoke.
“Not much of a cook, huh?” She smiled. She didn't take Sai so seriously, but why?
“Yeah... I mean, there were walls. And a bed...”
“I see. You sound like my brother. He's not one for conversation, though he knows how to use words effectively when the situation calls for it. Are you the same?”
The conversation went on like this, with her trying to probe for answers, and with him not being specific at all. He had things. Yes, generic things anyone would have. People lived with him too.
Who? Just people. You know. No, I don't know. Have you always been around pokémon? Maybe. I don't like to think about it. ...I hope you don't mind my pokémon poking around. They're curious. And they're wearing shirts.
At that, she laughed and gave up. Sai didn't take the hint that he needed to leave. He was playing a game of coquetry and he was clearly losing.
I tuned them out until Sai himself said it was time to go. I was busy thinking that, in a sense, this was like being with Earl. Conversations were vague and inconclusive. No one was close to anyone, though they tried to be. The difference? Sai was willing to negotiate with new experiences. Earl was not.
I thought that something good might have come out of this hectic day. Sai seemed content in a comforting place like this. Maybe he could stay in Azalea Town... He didn't have to travel. He didn't have to train. He could make new goals, even if they were out of the ordinary. I could work with that. He didn't seem to meet his goals often, but I could work with that too. We could fit in as well, since we weren't battling pokémon. We could become something that wouldn't make us miserable...
The girl ushered us out the door. I wasn't paying attention much, but Sai addressed her as Sasha when he said goodbye. I silently apologized for our hindrance, though I noted how she didn't invite us to stay for the night. Wasn't that a normal thing to offer traveling guests? Did she think low of us? Was there anything we could do to fix that, if we were to live here?
And why did I feel more human than Sai when I thought about things like this?
*
Sai bought four rooms in the Pokémon Center that night, one for each of us. The nurse said it was very considerate of him. "Pokémon need their alone time, just like humans," she said. She then explained that she would put our rooms close together in case we needed to find each other.
He got the room keys and we went around the corner to where the rooms were located. The halls were as quiet as they had been this morning. Sai tucked Senori and Kuiora into bed and told them not to cause trouble. When we went to open my door, though, I stopped him and asked if I could talk to him for a minute.
“Why?” he asked.
“I... wanted to talk about today,” I said. I was rushing into unknown territory, but it seemed like as good a time as any, if Senori and Kuiora's strange descriptions of Sai were anything to go off of.
“Oh,” he said, going into his own room. His backpack and other belongings were still there. Why buy separate rooms now, but not before? My confidence lessened... The lack of concrete answers made me nervous.
“Yeah. I was wondering... Well, how long are we going to be traveling for?”
“Not long. Long enough to get all the badges in Johto!” he said. He handed me my key, as if he expected me to know what to do with it. I could do it, sure, but not the others...
...Not only was I trying to deter Sai, I was trying to deter myself. I had to focus.
“And how many badges do you have now? Just the zephyr badge, right?"
“Yeah. Is that what it's called?” he replied, chuckling. “I didn't know they had names too.”
“Well...” I had been hoping for more than one badge, but all right. “I thought we could... Uh... You liked Azalea Town today, right?” I stepped inside his room. I had to appear friendly, not scared.
“I guess. Visiting Sasha was fun, but she pointed out my enthusiasm,” Sai said, bending down to take off his shoes. Halfway through untying them, he stood up.
“That's a bad thing?” I said, watching him as he rearranged the room. He opened the windows, put plants in other places, ruffled and then fixed the bed sheets. It took a while for him to respond.
“Most of the time.” He seemed passive again, and I wasn't sure why.
“I think it's a good thing,” I said. I was trying to cheer him up with those words... but it backfired.
“And what do
you know?” he snapped. His eyes glazed over. I stumbled backward a bit, as if he had physically hit me.
“Being happy is a g-good thing, Sai... Y-You seemed happy here, you know? Talking to everyone and everything.” I didn't believe my own words, but I continued, “M-Maybe we could stay here. It doesn't have to be permanent. Longer than a few days...”
Sai was silent. He paced slowly, cleaning things, attempting to fix things that weren't broken. Had I said too much? Had I overstayed my welcome? Then—
“Get out.”
“Huh?” I wanted to make sure I had heard him right. If I didn't succeed now, who knew when I'd try again...
“I told you to get out.” His voice was louder, sterner. “I got you guys your own rooms for a reason! So get out! Go to your own room... Just get
out!”
He made his way over to the table in the corner of the room. He moved the lamp from one side to another. It wasn't perfect, so he tried again. It was no good still. He ripped the cord out of the wall, then stopped screaming and fumbling. He growled and threw the lamp at me.
I ducked and let the lamp crash into the door behind me. It shattered into a million pieces all around me. It was the result of a troubled teenage boy that no one bothered to understand. It was the result of little mishaps that get into our heads and screw us over.
I had no choice but to do what he wanted. I said nothing more. I opened the door, went into the hallway... I closed the door... and sat down. I was holding on to my key so tightly it dug into my skin and made me bleed.
I thought the night was over, but the chaos didn't end there. I could hear him, screaming unintelligibly and violently. The sound of splintered wood was obvious.
Suddenly I jumped as I heard someone else yelling. It was Senori. The poor pokémon was too short and couldn't open the door. I wobbled over to him, telling him that Sai was angry. Very angry.
“Is he okay?” he asked after another crashing noise.
“No one's hurting him. He's just... mad,” I said as calmly as I could. The sentret seemed to get it and left it at that.
Kuiora's door opened next and she looked at me with a mixture of annoyance and confusion. She had taken the steps to drag a chair so she could open the door. Now she was looking down at me.
“I thought you two were fighting,” she said. “But here you are.”
“We kind of were...” I replied sheepishly. There was hypocrisy in my words as I added, “You shouldn't interfere...”
“Hmm. Physical fighting? Like pokémon battle fighting?”
“Well, no, but—”
“I'm going to become stronger than you someday, you know."
I didn't need more cryptic answers. I halfheartedly listened to her as I checked the rest of my body for injuries.
“Yeah. You got to fight the first gym battle all by yourself, and you got a lot of attention today. But I'm going to get stronger than you. It'll be a competition of sorts.”
I wasn't hurt physically, but mentally... I mumbled about not wanting competition, but she cut me off with a water gun to the face. I couldn't finish my sentence and was now spitting water out of my mouth instead of words.
“You can't expect to be the strongest and not have competition!” she cried.
At least it wasn't a lamp. At least I wasn't scared of her. At least she wouldn't go feral on me, not completely. But now I was wet and cold and utterly defeated. I was done.
“I don't need this,” I said, standing up and coughing. I finally let myself into my own room. “I'm going to bed. You can have him.”
“Wait—”
I shut the door.
I heard nothing else for the rest of the night.
*
I slept soundly. The lower body temperature must have helped. For some reason, Kuiora had a grudge against me and was going to do anything in her power to win. Cooperation was not an option for her.
And Sai... I didn't know about Sai. I had only asked a couple questions, and then violence ensued. He seemed joyful and then he changed within a few moments.
When I awoke, I tried to think about Violet City. How was Earl doing? He was a pure, decent man. Was he getting into trouble? What about the students? I had been gone for almost a month... I didn't know what day of the week it was. Who was struggling today and what could I do to help?
Everyone's always struggling, I realized. I'd have to accept this. I wasn't the only one hurting.
This thought gave me some peace of mind and I slept through the day.
*
I was woken up by a loud knocking on the door. Judging by the faint light coming in through the windows, it was dawn or dusk. It was perfectly good timing or perfectly bad timing. I got up lazily, rubbing my eyes. Though I had to stretch to reach the knob, I was able to open the door.
It was Sai.
I breathed his name tiredly. He looked tired, too, with dark circles under his eyes and his sagging limbs.
“Could I stay in your room tonight?” he asked quickly. He sure didn't waste any time getting to the point, but it wasn't what I had anticipated. And what was I expecting, anyway? An apology? ...A hug? It wasn't likely.
“Um.”
“Look, I’m sorry that happened. I-I mean… That’s not right. You have to understand. I get these moods sometimes. Everything speeds up for me, I think so much, and I want to do a million things at once and I want to talk to a million people so I forget things, things don’t get done, and there’s never enough time in the world though it goes by so slowly, and yeah, I seem happy, this is the first time I’ve ever been able to do things I want, and it was fun but it turned wrong, I can always turn angry so fast and… and… I’m not usually violent, but that was a touchy subject. I don’t know… Being happy is depressing for me, it’s stressful, everything’s too fast. I can’t think straight right now. I can’t… Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I stared. He was trying his best to relay his complicated feelings to me, but
no, I didn't understand. Since when was happiness frowned upon? Did all humans have emotions like this?
“I'm sorry, I am. I destroyed my room, as you might have guessed, so...” Sai said, then finally closed his mouth.
I told him he could stay. I told him it was okay. Things happened, after all. Things good and bad. I was really only saying that to avoid more problems, though.
“If you say so,” Sai said, but he appeared eager, smiling and making his way into the room, just as he had entered Sasha's place without full permission.
It hit me that it must have been nearing nighttime. How could I keep him entertained until he went to sleep? Would he sleep at all?
Soon he was pacing back and forth, as he had done the first night here. He felt compelled to speak first and said, “I bought you all separate rooms so you wouldn't have to see me like that. You saw me anyway. I'm sorry.”
“It's fine,” I said, climbing into the top bunk. If I couldn't sleep, I would pretend to.
“I thought you'd be mad. It's okay to be mad. I didn't want to go to Kuiora or Senori, though, or they'd question me. They didn't see anything... I'd like to keep it that way...”
They didn't see anything, but they heard. I didn't mention this.
“Yeah, and you didn't come out when I knocked earlier.”
“I-I was tired.”
“Oh. Well, you didn't miss too much. The three of us went about our business, as usual. I almost stepped on a poison-type pokémon. Didn't buy anything, but it reminded me of antidotes and medicine. I don't remember much else...”
“Sounds like it was another interesting day.”
“Something like that,” he said.
And then we were quiet.
