Survival Project (PG-13)

[Jazz14456_Plebeian]

I had learned some things while traveling with Sai thus far. First and foremost, I had learned that every person and pokémon should have their own name for the sake of clarity. I had learned that not everyone knows about the legendary pokémon and how special they are. I had learned that every building looks almost the same, with some exceptions. I could live with those exceptions. But I could not live with the exception for the most important thing I had learned: I had spent so much time trying to separate myself from everyone else that no one could realize my superiority.

I hated admitting it, but Senori was right. Sai didn’t know how hard I had trained, and therefore he didn’t use me in the battle like I wanted him to. I had foolishly expected him to just… know what I had done. Panic coursed through me as I saw him send Senori out to the battle field. I jumped and jumped, tried to get his attention, but it didn’t work. Asking directly didn’t work, either. Anyone can expect things to happen, jump up and down, or ask for things. But not everyone can work as hard as me to get what they want. So, naturally, I was beyond confused and had way too many questions.

The only conclusion I could come to was that there were exceptions. Senori hadn’t done anything at all to get the special attention he got at the gym. He was chosen by Sai without a second thought, and the boy stood up for him despite how he needed that badge so badly and as quickly as possible. Yes, the sentret’s battle was rather humiliating, but being chosen by our trainer was still an accomplishment. Why was Senori an exception? Why was he Sai’s first pokémon? What about Atis, who wasn’t rewarded for the hard work he did at Violet City? How did the hitmontop seem so much closer to Sai than the rest of us?

…What about me?

In my mind, I'm screaming at Kuiora to do the simple thing: tell Sai that you want to be really good. Really good, and that Sai should let Kuiora be used to her full potential. Although, Kuiora isn't like me at all. I suppose that idea never occured/s to her.

“That’s not really fair,” I pointed out. “That means Sai will just choose me because I’m last choice.”

“You’re a baby. It’s not an insult, he’s just protecting you…”

“I’m a baby, but I’m going to be better than you soon enough. Amazing, right?” I said, glaring at the pokémon. For a fighting-type, he sure chose odd battles to fight. “Do you think Sai will be taking long?”

I love this.
Atis, socially anxious and seeing the obvious.
Kuiora, immediately assuming that Atis was threatening her (slight misjudgment... only slightly ) non-existent status. So, she goes defensive, and is not to friendly to a pokemon that could probably kick her but (but would never do so, as it would be reflecting attention right at him).

“Fine,” I said, thinking that I would need to learn from my mistakes and make sure there was a witness to my power, anyway.

I don't understand the "learn from my mistakes" part.

“We’ll do it,” Atis said, with no hesitation.

Maybe its just me, but this seems very unlike Atis.
Is there some motive I'm not seeing?

“Let’s see what I can do,” I mumbled. Since Bugsy was no longer available to glare at, I stared at Atis instead, hoping to shock him into thinking that this was hopeless after all, that Sai would just have to get the badge on his own time, like a normal trainer.

Interesting. Kuiora loses all drive when there is no battle involved. She thinks that Sai won't realize her power if she gets the badge a different way.

“You’d ask that about any pokémon, so I don’t feel too inclined to answer.”

This made me laugh.

Suddenly, a green aura appeared that stung my foot a bit. Naturally, I moved back, afraid of the new… attack? I couldn’t tell what this thing was. The circular barrier surrounded all of Atis’s body, and continued to do so as he stood up slowly, not facing me.

“I’m not useless, you know,” he said—calmly, I noticed. “I know Sai better than you do. I helped children… even if I didn’t want to…”

At first I thought the light was evolution light.
This isn't going to be good.

He still didn’t turn to face me. He was trying to stand up for himself and was still being shy when doing so, of course. Instead, however, he lifted his leg, and I knew an attack was coming, so I braced myself, tried to move back even further so maybe he’d miss.

You have a double space in between "me" and him"

Wow....
At first, I din't like the chapter as much as others because it didn't have Sai in it, and your characters are the greatest thing about your story.
But then... with Atis... well, now Atis is drawing me in.

 

[Crimson Penguin]

Hello again! Here to review your latest chapter, which I thought was the most interesting one yet (I swear, I say that to myself every time).

First, though, I'll respond to your previous comments (sorry for the delay, I just didn't want to monopolize the thread, if that makes any sense).

You at least seem to know basics (symptoms of ADHD, for instance, which is a disorder almost everyone thinks they have when they obviously don't, since playing on Facebook constantly when you need to do homework does not equal ADHD) and the difference between commonly misunderstood disorders (bipolar and multiple personality disorder are often considered the same thing, for instance, but if you pointed them both out in different contexts, you seem to know the basic difference). Don't mind me, I'm big into psychology stuff so I like seeing people at least acknowledge disorders or not fall into the myths surrounding them.

Well, I guess I do have a basic knowledge of psychology-related things; I haven't taken any courses for it for a while, but I am somewhat familiar with certain disorders, I suppose. For example, I know that a lot of young kids these days are diagnosed with ADHD just because they're hyper in class when they don't actually have the disorder. (I think that's more a product of an inadequate school system, but that's another story.) But knowing that you're interested in psychology gives some insight into how you're writing your characters, I think. It helps me understand their quirks better, if you will. : )

It's funny because everyone wants fics that AREN'T like the games, so I try to do that. And then people are like... what?! Glad you seem to like the surprises though.

Sorry for contributing to the confusion. But yes, I do enjoy the surprises.

I may have not made this point clear, my fault. Kuiora trained an awful lot... by herself, so no one else saw her. Kuiora didn't say she never trained, it was Senori who said he never saw her train. Sorry for the confusion... unless there really is some part I wrote that proved otherwise... I forget.

No, you're right. I was thinking it over, and yes, Senori was the one who brought that up. Sorry (again). XD

With that done, let's move on to the latest chapter!

Chapter 9: I really, really like how things are shaping up here. Lots of great character development, and do I spot a recurring rival of sorts?

When I was watching Kuiora punch Sai over and over again, when I was watching her evolve… I felt like my body was falling away from me, through the floor, and then back into myself, over and over again. When my body was falling, it was as if I was dreaming of what my life could be, but wasn’t. And when my body righted itself again, I was reminded that this was real, and that I simply didn’t know what to do about it. The sudden violence wasn’t entirely unexpected. She had been getting more and more desperate, and I had told her about Sai fighting me, thinking nothing of it at the time…I had told her that Sai fought me because it was what fate had brought upon me, upon us, not so that she could use the idea herself. Nevertheless, here she was, freezing me and everyone else in the pokémon center, leaving us to only wonder why she was doing this, why she evolved at this moment of shame, and most of all, why Sai felt compelled to punch her back.

Once again, I think Senori is pointing out the confusion and ambiguity I felt as I read that scene for the first time. I do like the part where he implies that he was fated to be with Sai from the start and seems to think that Kuiora "stole" that right, as if he's somehow superior to her. Despite his uneasiness, his confidence does show through, in very unlikely ways.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Sai said, standing up now. He moved slowly, carefully, as if he would break or as if Kuiora would attack him again at any moment.

“I’m strong, and I wanted you to know it. You’re not allowed to say sorry!” she replied. She crossed her arms, but made no sign of future violence.

“But I always knew that,” Sai said, chuckling slightly. I vaguely wondered if he was telling the truth, but decided that I’d never speak about it.

“Then why didn’t you use me?”

“Everyone on the team has to fight. If I only focused on you, all the others would get left behind.”

“Who cares about the others? I’m special, aren’t I?”

“Of course you are… I chose you for a reason.”

“You chose me because I was the strongest, of course!”

“Yes, yes I did. But you have quite the temper, don’t you? But you seem easy to please, so let’s make sure this never happens again…” Sai said seriously, looking down on her now, scolding her like the child she was.

Love this bit right here. Kuiora seems to have gone back to her normal, egotistical self, which is great. And I'm surprised at Sai's responses, given that he was just beaten on by his own Pokemon. He really does seem to care about the well-being of his Pokemon, even if he doesn't always show it.

Surprised to see the boy from the cave make his return, but it was a welcome surprise. I'm interested to see how Sai's interactions with him will play out over the course of the story.

“That’s not what this is about,” the boy said, breaking eye contact for just a moment. “I bet you don’t know a damn thing about your pokémon, especially not the sentret you almost got killed.”

Sai sighed, his face softening quickly. “I know that Atis likes the top bunk on the bed at night. I know that Kuiora likes to tell stories like no other. When we sleep outside I know that Senori likes the area with the most grass. Kuiora loves learning about things outside of herself even if she won’t admit it, and Senori always seems sad for some reason I can’t quite figure out yet. Just because it doesn’t look like I’m listening or watching doesn’t mean I’m oblivious.”

When Sai said that, I completely forgot about my trying to decide which trainer to stick up for. Did Sai really pay that much attention to us, enough attention to know about the little things? Did I really even like the area with the most grass? I didn’t even notice, and it certainly never seemed like he paid attention to anything but whatever crazy ramblings went on inside his head. I decided to stay silent for Sai, and watch him deal with this situation by himself.

Wow, Sai knows more about his Pokemon than I thought. I'm glad to see him stand up for his team. And he endeared himself to cute little Senori even more. : )

But the boy wasn’t about to give up. He came up to the counter as well and said, “Have you not learned your lesson? I’m surprised Nurse Joy isn’t reporting you. If I see one more incident I will report you, though I don’t want to let it get to that.”

Sai turned to the boy, glaring once more. “And just what do you mean by that?”

“Fight me. Battle me so they can see what kind of trainer I am, and let them decide if they want to stay with you or not.”

That's a bold proclamation right there. I wonder what this guy's true motive is? Is he like this with other trainers whom he perceives to have mistreated their Pokemon, or has he been... sent to keep Sai on track somehow?

Kuiora's story was creepy. Didn't expect Litwick to make an appearance. But then, after having read your one-shot, I suppose this brand of dark storytelling makes sense. ; ) Again, I wonder whether this story will come into play later?

Your battles are so interesting. They have an immediacy to them that really draws me in, and I love how you've kept each Pokemon's battling style true to their nature. Also glad to see Kuiora finally getting into the action while Sai is watching. Both Kuiora and Halcyon seemed to be in-sync with their trainers as well, something I expected coming from someone like Marty and a nice change of pace on Sai's end. His confidence in commanding his Pokemon is growing, slowly but surely.

Kuiora stood up as tall as she could, just as she had when she confronted Sai. We could all tell how proud she was as she inhaled sharply and exhaled a long, steady stream of water toward the butterfree, the first official enemy of hers. Halcyon, with its wings still flapping quickly, easily moved out of the way. It stopped mid-air and looked at Kuiora, waiting for its next move. But its mistake lied in stopping, as Kuiora simply moved her body in the butterfree’s direction, bringing the water gun attack with her. The steady stream of natural liquid never stopped, just relocated—and it ended up colliding head-on with the bug’s small purple face and torso. Halcyon didn’t cry out or move, just took the brunt of the attack.

Yay for Kuiora's (non-angry) confidence. She still operates by brute force, but there are some subtle developments of strategy here, I think.

Once the croconaw realized the situation as well, she immediately started propelling herself forward, past the yellow substance that was paralyzing her. I could tell that she was trying to run, but it looked more and more like jogging. Still, the butterfree remained suspended and focused on its attack as she got closer and closer, and when she was finally close enough, she jumped as high as she could and grabbed the butterfree with her clawed hands. Halcyon’s wings could no longer help him, and the stun spore attack ceased as he tried to free himself in vain. Kuiora had a firm grasp on him, despite the attack—it simply hadn’t had enough time to sink in and get to her completely yet.

Kuiora pulled down Halcyon and kept him in place with one hand. Instead of biting, Kuiora pulled back her other hand and thrust it forward, knocking the butterfree right out of her hands and into the bushes at the edge of the clearing. Kuiora, though she did not appear as tall and proud, stood there as tall as she could, tired and restrained from her battle. She was still smiling, though, which was a good sign. Marty ran over to the bushes to check on Halcyon, but came back with nothing.

Kuiora's strived so hard to do well for Sai. Her first real battle was a commendable one.

“Senori, use tail whip!” Sai called to me.

I ran over to Gracie, who was recovering from using her ember attack. She shrieked and covered her face with her tiny cream-colored paws as I attempted to smack her with my tail.

“Are you scared?” I asked, sort of actually feeling sorry for her.

“I get scared easily…” Gracie said, her voice trailing off, “but I can still fight!”

After she finished her sentence, she removed her paws from her face and ran toward me this time, so quick that she was leaving afterimages behind her every time she moved. Every cyndaquil I saw looked the same, and I couldn’t tell who was real and who wasn’t. I turned my body to the left and right, trying to find a good time to escape, but each time I turned, Gracie or her afterimages followed and I second guessed myself. This time, she smacked into me, sending me careening into the bushes this time instead of Halcyon.

Aww, poor Senori. His naivete and pity towards others never quite works out well for him.

When I went to get up, however, I saw another pokémon staring down at me.

“I see that boy around here a lot,” it said. It was a bird pokémon, with white feathers covering all around its neck, with only one red feather sticking up at the top of its head. Its blue-grey colored face stared down at me, smiling. Its beak opened and shut numerous times, trying to speak. “If you want to end this quick, just hit Gracie on the back. It’s her weak point. She’ll get scared, and with her trying not to fall, you can put enough pressure on her tiny legs to where she can’t get back up.”

“W-What?” I said, confused. Where had this bird come from, anyway? Had it been watching the entire time? And why even care about Marty and Sai and Gracie and me? I stumbled back to my feet quickly and hopped out of the bushes, not even bothering to say anything or look at the pokémon.

Huh, that was weird. What's a Rufflet doing in the middle of Ilex Forest? And why is it helping Senori? Will it be another one of those recurring characters? So many questions...

Still, as the battle continued, I couldn’t forget what the bird had said. I didn’t want to cheat and hit Gracie on the back, but she was starting to wear me down. She had hit me into the bushes, and now she was aiming more ember attacks at me and making me run as much as possible, exhausting my energy. I did want to end this quick so that Marty didn’t win and find further reason to antagonize Sai the way he was, but still—

I decided to try a similar strategy, one that I could be proud of. When Gracie shot out her next ember attack, I stopped and let it come straight at me. I prepared my tail as I watched the oncoming embers, and when it was finally close enough, I swung my tail at each and every one. While the embers simply dissipated upon contact, Gracie thought that they were going to come flying back at her and started cowering in fear once more, covering those already closed eyes of hers. Then I ran at her again and tackled her, hitting her in the side rather than mostly on her back. Seeing how small her legs were made me think that maybe there was enough pressure applied so that she couldn’t get up again, or perhaps just be fainted after battling so long and using so much energy on her ember attacks. Either way, she was finished battling, as she didn’t get up again, just kept whining.

Okay, Senori has officially won me over with his cuteness. He seems to feel that it's his duty to be noble towards others. I love how he thinks the tip he got from the Rufflet is "playing dirty." And he showed his ingenuity by taking that tip and adapting it to his more gentle style, without taking advantage of Gracie. So adorable. : )

“You did well, Kuiora, Senori. And Atis would have done well too. I’m sorry that Marty feels compelled to do this… and I’m sorry that I’m inclined to agree with him on some points. Maybe, someday…” he said, stopping to smile softly. “Maybe someday I can love you as much as I was meant to.”

Aww, what a nice comment from Sai. And interesting, too, that he says "as much as I was meant to." What is this kid's real purpose, anyway?!

“Why are you so set on trying to get rid of me as a trainer?” Sai asked, looking up at the other boy.

“I should just report you and have your pokémon forcibly taken from you,” Marty retorted.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Sai said, still calm and tired.

“Most pokémon don’t know what a real good trainer can be like. The only example they usually have is their first trainer… and by the time they realize what they really need and want in a trainer, they’re too far from home to find their way back. It’s too late, and they feel trapped. But I don’t want pokémon to feel that way!”

Why has Marty taken it upon himself to educate "bad" trainers and lead their Pokemon away? He kind of reminds me of N from Black and White. This definitely isn't the last we'll see of him...

And finally, very interesting last few lines. Yeah, the moral dilemma thing really reminds me of Black and White. Hooray for another compelling subplot. And I'm glad Senori chose to stay with Sai. He can't turn his back on his clan now. : )

A couple of typos I spotted (Dragonicwari got most of them):

“Mean,” Kuiora said, crossing her arms. “There are no legends about me yet, anyway, but there will be someday.”

Did you mean "Meanie"? It doesn't seem to make sense to me as it is.

How was Ari doing, anyway? What about the rest of the clan? Had they perhaps located due to what happened?

I think you may have meant "relocated."

And one other (very minor) thing:

Nevertheless, here she was, freezing me and everyone else in the pokémon center, leaving us to only wonder why she was doing this, why she evolved at this moment of shame, and most of all, why Sai felt compelled to punch her back.

Technically a split infinitive here; "leaving us only to wonder" might sound a little better, but it's not a big deal. (My inner grammar Nazi is on overdrive right now; sorry about that! XP)

Overall: Awesome chapter. This fic keeps getting more complex and intriguing all the time.

Thanks again for a great read!

~Crimson Penguin

 

[Jazz14456_Plebeian]

Sai was able to understand his pokémon while they couldn’t.

Yeah, the IIRC was right.

“It simply would have been a sin to the gods had she done anything else but die saving him,” she explained. Atis lay on the top bunk, as usual, saying nothing, perhaps not even listening, just thinking. I lay on the floor, curling my tail around my body, occasionally looking up to watch Sai’s reaction carefully. Yes, he was listening, and he was listening well. The croconaw went on.

Interesting. Whenever he realizes something is the standard way to do it, he does it. Sometimes he overdoes it.
Which leads me to believe that something drives him to be normal... although he isn't because he doesn't know what is normal (maybe wherever he was before, what he did was normal, though). He was determined to catch a starter pokemon, shop, and listen.
I can think of three general reasons:
some traumatic event/brain damage (although I think he is in no way stupid/foolish/moronic, quiet the opposite, although he has a strange absence of knowledgable about the world he lives in) I think this is more likely then the other guesses considering your Author Profile.
something or someone is being held hostage; if he doesn't act like a normal trainer, something bad happens to him or the someone is killed/tortured
he was programmed in some way by the people he was with before to follow social norms.
Ah... when all the mysteries in this story are revealed, we will go "Duh, why didn't I think of that?"

The candle had really been a rare pokémon shaped like a candle, its purplish glow said to steal the energy of humans and pokémon alike just to be able to burn some more. The man had no energy to stop the fire, or to even notice it was happening. He died in pain, but without even realizing he was in pain.

This doesn't make sense. Kuiora is obviously talking about a Litwick, yes. But how in the world did Kuiora find out about Litwick(s)? She is very young, and has lived in Johto for all her life.

Is it to big of a spoiler to tell us whether Sai gets a new pokemon at any point in the story?

 

[diamondpearl876]

There was a moment of silence. The boy looked around, glaring at the people who were still watching. “It Doesn’t matter if you listen or watch, if your pokémon don’t feel like you do,” he finally said, not looking at Sai anymore.

I found it somewhat easier to read my way, but I might be totally off


Every year, on the anniversary of the day they both died, the widowed man would dance with the air, imagining his wife there instead. Every year, he read a story to himself, imagining that it was his son he was telling it to. Other than this, the town never saw him changes his ways; they said he only changed his tires and his dreams.

At the end where it says changes I believe it should say change

Halcyon stayed in the air, its wings flapping slower now to help keep the bug suspended, stuck in place, just like the rest of us were at the moment. According to Marty, we were all stuck herepitifully and against our will, and according to Sai, we were all stuck here because the other boy was in our way and was just another obstacle to overcome… Whose beliefs should I have been following? Marty made me wonder, maybe only because he saved me, maybe because fate brought him to me not once, but twice now.

Fixed the mistakes, thanks for pointing them out!

In my mind, I'm screaming at Kuiora to do the simple thing: tell Sai that you want to be really good. Really good, and that Sai should let Kuiora be used to her full potential. Although, Kuiora isn't like me at all. I suppose that idea never occured/s to her.

Not at all. Sai's attention wouldn't be legit if she just told him up front about it.

I don't understand the "learn from my mistakes" part.

Kuiora's made the mistake of keeping her power hidden in the past (ie training with no one watching and such) so she's learning from her mistake and bringing Atis along, etc.

Maybe its just me, but this seems very unlike Atis.
Is there some motive I'm not seeing?

Atis would prefer evolving a pokemon over battling, since it demands a lot of attention. He also doesn't think battling is everything to pokemon just as he thinks pokemon isn't everything to humans, so a change of pace was fine by him.

Is it to big of a spoiler to tell us whether Sai gets a new pokemon at any point in the story?

Yes, the next two chapters will be introducing new pokemon for Sai.

Also, Kuiora can know of Litwick because she's heard all of these stories from Professor Elm. I never really got the "Johto can't know about Unova pokemon" thing so I'm trying to incorporate other regions if I can make it work.

Well, I guess I do have a basic knowledge of psychology-related things; I haven't taken any courses for it for a while, but I am somewhat familiar with certain disorders, I suppose. For example, I know that a lot of young kids these days are diagnosed with ADHD just because they're hyper in class when they don't actually have the disorder. (I think that's more a product of an inadequate school system, but that's another story.) But knowing that you're interested in psychology gives some insight into how you're writing your characters, I think. It helps me understand their quirks better, if you will. : )

Indeed, psychology and disorders really contribute to this fic. Now you know!

Wow, Sai knows more about his Pokemon than I thought. I'm glad to see him stand up for his team. And he endeared himself to cute little Senori even more. : )

I thought a lot of scenes in this chapter were cute to write, so glad you pointed some of them out. 8)

That's a bold proclamation right there. I wonder what this guy's true motive is? Is he like this with other trainers whom he perceives to have mistreated their Pokemon, or has he been... sent to keep Sai on track somehow?

I can certainly say there's no ulterior mtoive, just that Marty would do this to any trainer. It's just his personality.

Kuiora's story was creepy. Didn't expect Litwick to make an appearance. But then, after having read your one-shot, I suppose this brand of dark storytelling makes sense. ; ) Again, I wonder whether this story will come into play later?

Kuiora's stories will always come into play later, and they will all have the same theme (I'd look back to chapter 2's beginning if you're interested).

Huh, that was weird. What's a Rufflet doing in the middle of Ilex Forest? And why is it helping Senori? Will it be another one of those recurring characters? So many questions...

Rufflet's appearance will be explained next chapter. It's a new main character... I was hoping to introduce it now so I didn't have a new pokemon randomly showing up as a POV character in the next chapter and make everyone mad, lol.

Technically a split infinitive here; "leaving us only to wonder" might sound a little better, but it's not a big deal. (My inner grammar Nazi is on overdrive right now; sorry about that! XP)

Nah, don't apologize for pointing it out. Fixed the errors. Shame on me for ignoring the split infinitive when I actually know what it is.

Thanks for commenting/reviewing as always! I always look forward to your reviews.

 

[Crimson Penguin]

I thought a lot of scenes in this chapter were cute to write, so glad you pointed some of them out. 8)

I'm a sucker for cute things, what can I say. ; )

I can certainly say there's no ulterior motive, just that Marty would do this to any trainer. It's just his personality.

Alright, well, at least there's no mystery behind it this time. Interesting rival, and I'll look forward to how Marty continues to challenge Sai as the fic goes on. (He will appear again, right?)

Kuiora's stories will always come into play later, and they will all have the same theme (I'd look back to chapter 2's beginning if you're interested).

Yes, they seemed like they'd be important later on. Can't wait to see where these stories go.

Rufflet's appearance will be explained next chapter. It's a new main character... I was hoping to introduce it now so I didn't have a new pokemon randomly showing up as a POV character in the next chapter and make everyone mad, lol.

Hmm, a Unova Pokemon in Johto? I'm curious to know the backstory on this guy (or girl). Good to see Sai finally getting another Pokemon, though (besides the Magikarp XD). And Atis didn't really have any foreshadowing before his introduction, so I personally wouldn't have minded too much, but I guess it's better to be safe than sorry.

Thanks for commenting/reviewing as always! I always look forward to your reviews.

Wow, really? That's so kind. Thanks! ^_^

Now if only I could get my lazy butt in gear and write more of that one-shot I'm working on...

Anyway, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter as always!

~Crimson Penguin

 

[diamondpearl876]

Alright, well, at least there's no mystery behind it this time. Interesting rival, and I'll look forward to how Marty continues to challenge Sai as the fic goes on. (He will appear again, right?)

Yes, yes he will.

Yes, they seemed like they'd be important later on. Can't wait to see where these stories go.

Me too....... lol *has only vague idea of where they're going*

Hmm, a Unova Pokemon in Johto? I'm curious to know the backstory on this guy (or girl). Good to see Sai finally getting another Pokemon, though (besides the Magikarp XD). And Atis didn't really have any foreshadowing before his introduction, so I personally wouldn't have minded too much, but I guess it's better to be safe than sorry.

I think Rufflet/Braviary can only be male, so that settles that. Where are all the female pokemon besides Kuiora?!

And really? I guess I was slightly more wary due to the fact we're 9 chapters in now with a ton of character development done rather than just 3 chapters with little to no development. I'll keep it in mind for future chapters nonetheless.

 

[Crimson Penguin]

I think Rufflet/Braviary can only be male, so that settles that. Where are all the female pokemon besides Kuiora?!

*facepalm* Duh. How could I have forgotten that?! My Poke-knowledge fails me sometimes, lol. And yes, I would like to see another female Pokemon at some point... but that's your decision, not mine.

And really? I guess I was slightly more wary due to the fact we're 9 chapters in now with a ton of character development done rather than just 3 chapters with little to no development. I'll keep it in mind for future chapters nonetheless.

It's just my personal opinion. I don't want to convince you otherwise if you're not comfortable with it. And I think you certainly packed a lot of development into the first 3 chapters; I wouldn't say there was "little to none." Those are the chapters that drew me in right off the bat, anyway. : )

 

[Sid87]

“Yes, yes I did. But you have quite the temper, don’t you? But you seem easy to please, so let’s make sure this never happens again…” Sai said seriously, looking down on her now, scolding her like the child she was.

Is Sai describing Kuiora there...or himself? Everything he just said could equally be applied to himself. Nice juxtaposition, and a little obliviousness from Sai.

“I didn’t know it would go that far,” Sai said, just as serious now and having to ignore Kuiora once more. He did pass her a glance, however, as he added, “I didn’t know what she wanted. She’s never told or asked me directly until now.”

That's a little weird because he can't be ignoring her and passing her a glance. Maybe instead of "ignoring her, you can say he had to shift his attention from her?

Sai glared at the other boy and said, “Are you really going to be angry over me being able to talk to my pokémon while you can’t?”

This is totally acceptable because it is colloquial speech and a LOT of people say it that way, but on the off chance you don't already now (and I think you do, so I apologize if I'm just preaching to the choir), that "me" should be "my". But, like I said, you probably know that, and it still works as a person's incorrect colloquial speech.

Sai sighed, his face softening quickly. “I know that Atis likes the top bunk on the bed at night. I know that Kuiora likes to tell stories like no other. When we sleep outside I know that Senori likes the area with the most grass. Kuiora loves learning about things outside of herself even if she won’t admit it, and Senori always seems sad for some reason I can’t quite figure out yet. Just because it doesn’t look like I’m listening or watching doesn’t mean I’m oblivious.”

When Sai said that, I completely forgot about my trying to decide which trainer to stick up for. Did Sai really pay that much attention to us, enough attention to know about the little things? Did I really even like the area with the most grass? I didn’t even notice, and it certainly never seemed like he paid attention to anything but whatever crazy ramblings went on inside his head. I decided to stay silent for Sai, and watch him deal with this situation by himself.

What a nice little development here. We hadn't truly gotten a sense that his pokemon were much more to Sai than tools for his mysterious mission other than a few subtle bits. But this here gives us a much better read on how much he cares.

“What’s your name, anyway, kid?”

“My name? My name is Marty.”

“Well, Marty, I’m not worried at all. You’re on, but I’m waiting for Kuiora,” Sai said, and that was the end of the scuffle in the pokémon center, but not the questions inside my head. Fate may have been trying to tell me something, maybe leaving Sai was really an option… Who could ever know?

You know what I like about this? Despite it being a Senori chapter, it has read much more as a Sai chapter. I feel kind of bad that, thus far, Senori has been reduced to narrative spectator in his own chapter, but it's given us a chance to learn more about Sai, which has been delightful.

Every year, on the anniversary of the day they both died, the widowed man would dance with the air, imagining his wife there instead. Every year, he read a story to himself, imagining that it was his son he was telling it to. Other than this, the town never saw him change his ways; they said he only changed his tires and his dreams.

I don't want to interrupt this wonderful little fable (which, though there's only been two of three to this point, have been such a great aspect of your story), but this part here was especially brilliant. Kudos.

One day, however, he wanted to face the very thing that had taken his wife and child. Oh, how bad he wanted to face the fire.

Should be "badly" because wanted is an action verb, not a linking verb. But don't feel bad...I just had to look it up myself upon reading this to be sure, and I have an English Writing degree. Some things are just unnecessarily confusing.

“The town,” Kuiora finished, “said that he was smoking in bed when he set the house on fire. And then they wondered how the house was set on fire the first time. The end!” she said, bouncing off the bed and scaring me into the corner of the room due to her new larger size and sharper fangs.

Again with the nice juxtaposition. Kuiora tells a horror story, but she is bouncing around and happy.

And like the Azalea Town gym, several bug pokémon were everywhere, out in plain sight, as if they knew their home was protected.

Subtle Celebii reference? Not that I expect to see her in the story, but I still like the little addition.

Had they perhaps located due to what happened? I thought and thought but it was no use. No one could answer me, as usual.

*relocated, I think.

It stopped mid-air and looked at Kuiora, waiting for its next move. But its mistake lied in stopping, as Kuiora simply moved her body in the butterfree’s direction, bringing the water gun attack with her.

Typo on what should have been "lay". You got it right earlier this very chapter during the fable, so this one must have slipped through the internal filter.

Halcyon broke free of the water gun, seemingly unscathed, and barely grazed the attack as he flew under the water and straight into Kuiora’s body.

You missed a preposition there. "From" or "by".

She smiled again at the end, and said that it was okay. Her voice sounded weak and she couldn’t nod; the stun spore was taking its effect now, and it probably wouldn’t start wearing off until the end of the battle or until she got back to a pokémon center.

It's nice to see Kuiora maturing so suddenly and being more accepting of the way things are.

“Good job, Senori. Return,” Sai said, copying Marty, though he didn’t return me to my pokéball. He rarely did.

...Sai is so weird. Heh.

“The croconaw is too young to know better, but her choice is her choice,” Marty said, crossing his arms impatiently.

I'm curious about Marty...why has he regressed so much? When we first saw him, he didn't seem so immature and needy. I guess we never got a thorough look at him, so we didn't really know him. But...why is this so important to him? I'm guessing we will continue to see more of him throughout the story.

“Most pokémon don’t know what a real good trainer can be like. The only example they usually have is their first trainer… and by the time they realize what they really need and want in a trainer, they’re too far from home to find their way back. It’s too late, and they feel trapped. But I don’t want pokémon to feel that way!”

Someone is about to join Team Plasma.



-So this chapter really felt like rounding a curve. We got a LOT of development out of everybody here. Sai's pokemon are no longer with him because of their varied reasons (Kuiora wanting to be strong, Atis because he wants to change Sai, and Senori because he's too used to doing what others want); they are all together out of love and respect. This was quite a nice character development chapter, yet you managed to add in action, as well. Very commendable. I feel like Sai should/will be getting a 4th team member soon now that everyone in the story is so well-developed. But I wouldn't mind if he didn't. These guys are all fun to read.

 

[Sidewinder]

I felt like my body was falling away from me, through the floor, and then back into myself, over and over again.

Awesome way to start out. I'm back on Team Senori after that sentence lol. What he was feeling right there really spoke to me mainy because I've felt that exact same way before. Events unfolding around you that are so intense and foreign that you go in this state of shocked stopping and focus more on what's happening with you instead of the situation in front of you.

he went to pull his arm back and swing it forward, immediately colliding with Kuiora’s rounded jaw

I like the sentence a lot, however, I think arm would work better if it was replaced with fist. When I read the sentence I imagined Sai hitting her with his forearm with the wording you were using

But you seem easy to please,

If they hadn't been interrupted, I feel like Kuiora would have had something to say about that

Sai sighed, his face softening quickly. “I know that Atis likes the top bunk on the bed at night. I know that Kuiora likes to tell stories like no other. When we sleep outside I know that Senori likes the area with the most grass. Kuiora loves learning about things outside of herself even if she won’t admit it, and Senori always seems sad for some reason I can’t quite figure out yet. Just because it doesn’t look like I’m listening or watching doesn’t mean I’m oblivious.”

That surprised me a little bit. As odd and socially awkward as Sai is, I've always thought of him as being observant, but this is the first time I've really seen him show this blend of defense and affection for his Pokemon. I mean, he's shown affection before, but this passage speaks so much deeper than that. Personally, I've always been under the impression that it shows how much you love someone when you pick up on the smallest of habits. Nicely done.

Crying, yelling, battling all day… Just what had happened, anyway? So many questions were running through my head about her and my trainer, but no answers.

To me, it's almost as if Senori is feeling left out, which is reasonable seeing how the last chapter had been all about Kuiora, and I thought you did a good job with his mental quest there for an end to the struggles of her evolution and fight with Sai. As he was thinking that, I imagined him shrinking, which I'm sure makes no sense whatsoever lol

Because yes, I was tired of hearing about her being the strongest. This could have been a more enjoyable substitute.

Hah, that was really funny. Total Senori thing to say

Every year, on the anniversary of the day they both died, the widowed man would dance with the air, imagining his wife there instead.

That was a touching sentence and it really tugged at me. Nicely done

and it ended up colliding head-on with the bug’s small purple face and torso. Halcyon didn’t cry out or move, just took the brunt of the attack.

Those two sentences feel like they needed something more to me. The sound the water made when it hit, labored breathing from the Butterfree, or even making mention of the water dripping down Kuiora's mouth as the water was expelled. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you how to write, it just seemed like it needed a little bit more. Another thing I was wondering. Is Kuiora just that fast now that Marty didn't think to yell at his Pokemon to move? As smart as Marty seems to be, I'm surprised he didn't attempt something faster. I know that he ordered an attack right after the attack hit, but the placement felt slightly off to me.

“Are you scared?” I asked, sort of actually feeling sorry for her.

Yup, Senori is back to being my favorite.

I chose to stay.

Lovely, perfect ending to the chapter. You did a wonderful job explaining how Senori was feeling. The rollercoaster portion was probably my favorite, and it spoke volumes to how he feels about Sai. I almost feel like Senori is starting to grow as a result from his relationship with Sai. The bit at the end where he says that he loves him more than fears him was touching, and that little portion makes me think that Senori is the most developed and important character so far. I knew he was going to stay, but the drama of realizing that he has a choice was nice.

All in all I really enjoyed this chapter, and along with the First Gym Battle chapter, it's easily my favorite. You fleshed out more of Sai than I thought was possible. Which I'm sure is a task in itself anyway seeing as how he's portrayed from everyone else's perspective instead of his own. At the same time though, it makes it better because of the mystery behind who he is and why he's doing this. You've made him easily one of the most compelling characters of the story and you've done it without even having used his point of view. Nicely done

 

[diamondpearl876]

*facepalm* Duh. How could I have forgotten that?! My Poke-knowledge fails me sometimes, lol. And yes, I would like to see another female Pokemon at some point... but that's your decision, not mine.

For some reason I'm not comfortable with writing female characters even though I'm female myself, so we'll see. haha.

Is Sai describing Kuiora there...or himself? Everything he just said could equally be applied to himself. Nice juxtaposition, and a little obliviousness from Sai.

Indeed, just goes to show that he can be like other people/pokemon even if he is considered to be so different. I'm glad you caught this.

That's a little weird because he can't be ignoring her and passing her a glance. Maybe instead of "ignoring her, you can say he had to shift his attention from her?

I meant he was ignoring her words, but I can see how it's confusing, will fix along with the other mistakes you pointed out. Thanks!

You know what I like about this? Despite it being a Senori chapter, it has read much more as a Sai chapter. I feel kind of bad that, thus far, Senori has been reduced to narrative spectator in his own chapter, but it's given us a chance to learn more about Sai, which has been delightful.

With Senori feeling like he should be watching over anyone anyway, I always feel that it's okay to kind of shift focus from him to all the other characters. Hope that makes sense, haha. I definitely tried to include his thoughts and feelings though too.

It's nice to see Kuiora maturing so suddenly and being more accepting of the way things are.

Yes, Kuiora can be mature, she just has, uh, you know... anger issues.

I'm curious about Marty...why has he regressed so much? When we first saw him, he didn't seem so immature and needy. I guess we never got a thorough look at him, so we didn't really know him. But...why is this so important to him? I'm guessing we will continue to see more of him throughout the story.

He seems the same to me as the first time he showed up, though this time you get to see his immature side. It'll surely come more into play in the future.

-So this chapter really felt like rounding a curve. We got a LOT of development out of everybody here. Sai's pokemon are no longer with him because of their varied reasons (Kuiora wanting to be strong, Atis because he wants to change Sai, and Senori because he's too used to doing what others want); they are all together out of love and respect. This was quite a nice character development chapter, yet you managed to add in action, as well. Very commendable. I feel like Sai should/will be getting a 4th team member soon now that everyone in the story is so well-developed. But I wouldn't mind if he didn't. These guys are all fun to read.

Sai will be getting new members in the next 2 chapters. And glad you felt like it was "rounding a curve" haha, I wanted to end this part and continue with some new characters.

Awesome way to start out. I'm back on Team Senori after that sentence lol. What he was feeling right there really spoke to me mainy because I've felt that exact same way before. Events unfolding around you that are so intense and foreign that you go in this state of shocked stopping and focus more on what's happening with you instead of the situation in front of you.

Pretty much this. I'm glad you felt it worked since I was a bit unsure about it.

I like the sentence a lot, however, I think arm would work better if it was replaced with fist. When I read the sentence I imagined Sai hitting her with his forearm with the wording you were using

Fair enough, will change after this. Thanks for pointing it out.

To me, it's almost as if Senori is feeling left out, which is reasonable seeing how the last chapter had been all about Kuiora, and I thought you did a good job with his mental quest there for an end to the struggles of her evolution and fight with Sai. As he was thinking that, I imagined him shrinking, which I'm sure makes no sense whatsoever lol

Totally makes sense, LOL. And yeah, Senori feels like he has to watch over everyone but himself so I'm always kind of comfortable with ignoring him in his own chapters... I'm awesome to my characters, obviously.

Those two sentences feel like they needed something more to me. The sound the water made when it hit, labored breathing from the Butterfree, or even making mention of the water dripping down Kuiora's mouth as the water was expelled. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you how to write, it just seemed like it needed a little bit more. Another thing I was wondering. Is Kuiora just that fast now that Marty didn't think to yell at his Pokemon to move? As smart as Marty seems to be, I'm surprised he didn't attempt something faster. I know that he ordered an attack right after the attack hit, but the placement felt slightly off to me.

Hmmm. You're completely right. I guess I still need more work with writing battles... I kind of tend to avoid them because I know I'm not too good with them. I'll work on it, thanks!

All in all I really enjoyed this chapter, and along with the First Gym Battle chapter, it's easily my favorite. You fleshed out more of Sai than I thought was possible. Which I'm sure is a task in itself anyway seeing as how he's portrayed from everyone else's perspective instead of his own. At the same time though, it makes it better because of the mystery behind who he is and why he's doing this. You've made him easily one of the most compelling characters of the story and you've done it without even having used his point of view. Nicely done

Thanks for reading/reviewing as always! I'm glad people are liking Sai even though he's so weird.

 

[Sidewinder]

Hmmm. You're completely right. I guess I still need more work with writing battles... I kind of tend to avoid them because I know I'm not too good with them. I'll work on it, thanks!

On the contrary, you're actually very good on certain aspects of them. You're very talented on writing the feelings and thought processes associated with each Pokemon during the battle, and very good at battle strategy and coming up with the attacks involved without it feeling scripted at all. The only thing I think would make your battles better would be more imagery. Concious thoughts and feelings are spot on, but when I read your battles I have trobule visualising them occasionally. You spend so much time on the feelings that sometimes the descriptions of the attacks and their effects on other Pokemon and the enviroment. You write terrific battles, I just think you should amp up the description a little more sometimes

 

[The Great Butler]

SURVIVAL PROJECT​

chapter 9 ; [SENORI]
suspended

*​

"Suspended," huh? Now that raises some possibilities...

When I was watching Kuiora punch Sai over and over again, when I was watching her evolve… I felt like my body was falling away from me, through the floor, and then back into myself, over and over again. When my body was falling, it was as if I was dreaming of what my life could be, but wasn’t. And when my body righted itself again, I was reminded that this was real, and that I simply didn’t know what to do about it. The sudden violence wasn’t entirely unexpected. She had been getting more and more desperate, and I had told her about Sai fighting me, thinking nothing of it at the time…I had told her that Sai fought me because it was what fate had brought upon me, upon us, not so that she could use the idea herself. Nevertheless, here she was, freezing me and everyone else in the pokémon center, leaving us to wonder only why she was doing this, why she evolved at this moment of shame, and most of all, why Sai felt compelled to punch her back.

This paragraph alone just... terrified me. I don't even know why. Just the utter hopelessness of the whole thing, it gets me.

I snapped back to reality as I suddenly tumbled out of Sai’s arms. Though he was still on his knees, he went to pull his arm back and swing it forward, immediately colliding with Kuiora’s rounded jaw. Had she still been a totodile, she may have staggered backward. With her new and larger form, she hardly moved an inch. And just as suddenly, she stopped attacking him. She merely smirked and looked around occasionally, mostly focusing on looking down at the stricken Sai in front of her.

“Kuiora,” he said simply, using his other hand to cover the fist that he had hurt her with, “I didn’t want to hit you.”

“But you did,” she said, smiling now, a different smile from the expectant smirk that was present just moments ago.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Sai said, standing up now. He moved slowly, carefully, as if he would break or as if Kuiora would attack him again at any moment.

I feel like this reinforces the wildly inconsistent behavior we've seen from Sai before.

“I’m strong, and I wanted you to know it. You’re not allowed to say sorry!” she replied. She crossed her arms, but made no sign of future violence.

“But I always knew that,” Sai said, chuckling slightly. I vaguely wondered if he was telling the truth, but decided that I’d never speak about it.

“Then why didn’t you use me?”

“Everyone on the team has to fight. If I only focused on you, all the others would get left behind.”

“Who cares about the others? I’m special, aren’t I?”

Now I'm disturbed even further by Kuiora's behavior. I'm really seeing some glaring signs of possessiveness bordering on outright obsession and delusion in her pursuit of Sai's approval.

“Of course you are… I chose you for a reason.”

“You chose me because I was the strongest, of course!”

“Yes, yes I did. But you have quite the temper, don’t you? But you seem easy to please, so let’s make sure this never happens again…” Sai said seriously, looking down on her now, scolding her like the child she was.

Suddenly, a new voice cut in. “You can’t expect to get away with another situation like this, can you?”

I looked around once more. Up until this point, some people were still watching, whispering amongst each other, probably wondering if they should do anything about the situation and wondering about why Sai was able to understand his pokémon while they couldn’t. Others had scattered and moved on, either changed or unmoved by the incident. Only one person decided to stand up to Sai, and I immediately recognized him from the cave and from the pictures in Sasha’s house. This boy had the same blonde hair and the same serious look on his face and the same determined eyes; it was just a different day with him wearing different clothes. The boy walked up to Sai, cutting off his view from Kuiora.

“First the cave incident, and now your pokémon is attacking you. I wonder why. You obviously don’t give your pokémon the attention they need and deserve,” he said, looking Sai straight in the eye.

Oh, not this kid again. He really picked a bad time for this.

“I didn’t know it would go that far,” Sai said, just as serious now and having to shift his attention from Kuiora once more. He did pass her a glance, however, as he added, “I didn’t know what she wanted. She’s never told or asked me directly until now.”

“You should figure it out! You even have the advantage of being able to talk to your pokémon.”

I can't help but wonder if this is a subtle hint toward Sai's backstory.

I stared at the boy. What was his name, anyway? Did he really have to be here at the same time as us? Was there anything I could do about it? He couldn’t understand me… but he had saved me nonetheless. I was torn between wanting to spare this other boy from the grief and from trying to keep Sai on track, his emotions being my main motivation for remaining stable and calm.

Sai glared at the other boy and said, “Are you really going to be angry over me being able to talk to my pokémon while you can’t?”

“That’s not what this is about,” the boy said, breaking eye contact for just a moment. “I bet you don’t know a damn thing about your pokémon, especially not the sentret you almost got killed.”

Over the line, dude. Though I doubt this kid cares.

Sai sighed, his face softening quickly. “I know that Atis likes the top bunk on the bed at night. I know that Kuiora likes to tell stories like no other. When we sleep outside I know that Senori likes the area with the most grass. Kuiora loves learning about things outside of herself even if she won’t admit it, and Senori always seems sad for some reason I can’t quite figure out yet. Just because it doesn’t look like I’m listening or watching doesn’t mean I’m oblivious.”

When Sai said that, I completely forgot about my trying to decide which trainer to stick up for. Did Sai really pay that much attention to us, enough attention to know about the little things? Did I really even like the area with the most grass? I didn’t even notice, and it certainly never seemed like he paid attention to anything but whatever crazy ramblings went on inside his head. I decided to stay silent for Sai, and watch him deal with this situation by himself.

Color me surprised just like Senori. I guess it's just hard to imagine at times that Sai cares this much about his Pokemon, that he would know these things?

There was a moment of silence. The boy looked around, glaring at the people who were still watching. “Doesn’t matter if you listen or watch if your pokémon don’t feel like you do,” he finally said, not looking at Sai anymore.

But it does matter, I wanted to say. It says a lot about Sai. I turned to Kuiora to see what she was thinking during all of this. She was simply standing next to Sai, eyes crossed and looking just as defiant as her trainer. She didn’t look angry anymore, and it was smart of her, I decided, to not say anything, knowing that the trainer couldn’t understand her either way. She had probably exhausted her voice for the day, anyway. Crying, yelling, battling all day… Just what had happened, anyway? So many questions were running through my head about her and my trainer, but no answers.

“If you’re not going to listen to anything I say, then we’re done here,” Sai stated, turning away from the boy. He walked up to the counter and said, “Nurse Joy, I deeply apologize for the incident here today. It won’t happen again. I would appreciate it if you healed my Kuiora now…”

I have to applaud Sai's maturity here.

“O-Of course,” the nurse said. “May I ask that your croconaw be put into her pokéball first?”

Sai’s expression hardened again, but he looked too tired to care. He returned Kuiora to her pokéball and handed it over.

But the boy wasn’t about to give up. He came up to the counter as well and said, “Have you not learned your lesson? I’m surprised Nurse Joy isn’t reporting you. If I see one more incident I will report you, though I don’t want to let it get to that.”

Sai turned to the boy, glaring once more. “And just what do you mean by that?”

“Fight me. Battle me so they can see what kind of trainer I am, and let them decide if they want to stay with you or not.”

Okay, I'm sorry but this one feels a little forced. I know battling is the solution to most everything in this universe, but this time it just seemed to come out of nowhere.

Decide to stay with Sai or not? It almost seemed like every pokémon’s dream—every pokémon who had a bad trainer, anyway. The choice to leave. This had to be happening for a reason, or else it wouldn’t be happening at all… Without the entire situation played out, however, it was hard to judge what I would have done, should have done… and what I wanted to do.

“What’s your name, anyway, kid?”

“My name? My name is Marty.”

“Well, Marty, I’m not worried at all. You’re on, but I’m waiting for Kuiora,” Sai said, and that was the end of the scuffle in the pokémon center, but not the questions inside my head. Fate may have been trying to tell me something, maybe leaving Sai was really an option… Who could ever know?

This is an interesting philosophical debate you're taking on. I appreciate that you're tackling it.

The battle took place two days later. Kuiora was anxious to get started right away, of course, but Sai insisted that she wait for her injuries to be healed. It took a lot of courage, I observed, to be able to deny her after what just happened, but she seemed to realize that it was for the best—probably because Sai, at least, wasn’t ignoring her.

I feel like skipping two days ahead feels a little sudden.

“Anything goes, as long as it’s not about you being the strongest.”

“Meanie,” Kuiora said, crossing her arms. “There are no legends about me yet, anyway, but there will be someday.”

Cute, I laughed.

“I’ll bet.”

“Do you want me to tell a story or not?” she pouted.

“Go for it,” I said, smirking. It was always fun, picking on her… and that was why I never learned to expect anything serious from her. Her outburst was unexpected, and then soon I came to realize that her serious stories were unexpected.

She told a story of an old man who burned because he was mourning for his lost wife and child. She had died in a house fire while trying to save their three-year-old son. She had sacrificed everything and still failed, according to the entire town. In the man’s mind, however, she had succeeded. Until a child is old enough to take care of himself, he thought, the mother should always follow and keep watch.

“It simply would have been a sin to the gods had she done anything else but die saving him,” she explained. Atis lay on the top bunk, as usual, saying nothing, perhaps not even listening, just thinking. I lay on the floor, curling my tail around my body, occasionally looking up to watch Sai’s reaction carefully. Yes, he was listening, and he was listening well. The croconaw went on.

Every year, on the anniversary of the day they both died, the widowed man would dance with the air, imagining his wife there instead. Every year, he read a story to himself, imagining that it was his son he was telling it to. Other than this, the town never saw him change his ways; they said he only changed his tires and his dreams.

One day, however, he wanted to face the very thing that had taken his wife and child. Oh, how badly he wanted to face the fire. He lit a candle and mourned for them. He mourned and mourned, planning to burn it and never see it again when he was done—until he heard a cackling sound, an eerie laugh. He opened his eyes, saw that the candle was gone. The candle had really been a rare pokémon shaped like a candle, its purplish glow said to steal the energy of humans and pokémon alike just to be able to burn some more. The man had no energy to stop the fire, or to even notice it was happening. He died in pain, but without even realizing he was in pain.

“The town,” Kuiora finished, “said that he was smoking in bed when he set the house on fire. And then they wondered how the house was set on fire the first time. The end!” she said, bouncing off the bed and scaring me into the corner of the room due to her new larger size and sharper fangs.

The battle took place two days later, after it finally hit me that Kuiora wasn’t just a kid—she was the same as all of us: she came with flaws and things that made her great, both of which she was afraid of showing.

That was a really great story, and the last line provides excellent closure to the scene. Just excellent work from beginning to end on this one.

Of course, Kuiora was also feeling much, much better. She was practically dancing over to our designated battlefield: Ilex Forest.

And of course, the battlefield reminded me of home. The forest smell and appearance was much different from home. The trees were much, much taller, and it made the place darker than the one I remembered and thought of often. And like the Azalea Town gym, several bug pokémon were everywhere, out in plain sight, as if they knew their home was protected. I wished that my clan still felt the same—I at least had the comfort of knowing that they felt safe at some point. How was Ari doing, anyway? What about the rest of the clan? Had they perhaps relocated due to what happened? I thought and thought but it was no use. No one could answer me, as usual. So I tried to focus on the issue at hand: Marty’s crazy ambition and obsession with Sai’s training abilities. We were going to be fighting in a clearing, just as Sai had attacked me in a clearing when we had first met so long ago.

I like that you still have Senori remembering his roots and that you're pointing out similarities to the forest and Senori's old home. This gives the story a feeling of continuity that increases how enjoyable it is.

Marty stood on one side of the clearing while Sai and the rest of us stood on the other side. Atis stood by my side, while Kuiora was already out in front of our trainer, knowing that she would be chosen to battle. I didn’t offer any protest this time, for I knew that this would happen as well. After her outrage, it was simply meant to be.

The other boy took no time in choosing which pokémon to send out. He sent out a pokémon he called Halcyon, a name true to the bug’s nature. The purple and white bug flew around with joy, fluttering its wings as fast as it could to pick up speed and show off.

“A butterfree, huh?” Sai said. He sounded tired, and I expected him to say something cocky like saying his croconaw was better or that he would win fast. But his feelings of invincibility seemed to have disappeared over the last few days. “Kuiora, use water gun!”

Oh boy, his mood is flagging again. This might not be a good thing.

Kuiora stood up as tall as she could, just as she had when she confronted Sai. We could all tell how proud she was as she inhaled sharply and exhaled a long, steady stream of water toward the butterfree, the first official enemy of hers. Halcyon, with its wings still flapping quickly, easily moved out of the way. It stopped mid-air and looked at Kuiora, waiting for its next move. But its mistake lay in stopping, as Kuiora simply moved her body in the butterfree’s direction, bringing the water gun attack with her. The steady stream of natural liquid never stopped, just relocated—and it ended up colliding head-on with the bug’s small purple face and torso. Halcyon didn’t cry out or move, just took the brunt of the attack.

“Halcyon won’t lose to you, he won’t! Fly under it and use tackle!” Marty cried, smiling and not appearing too worried about his pokémon’s condition just yet.

Halcyon reacted instantly, as if he had known what kind of counterattack his trainer would think of. Halcyon broke free of the water gun, seemingly unscathed, and barely grazed by the attack as he flew under the water and straight into Kuiora’s body. Finally, the water stopped, and Kuiora staggered backward.

“I didn’t have time to move my attack. You got lucky,” Kuiora said. I almost chuckled at her, since her excuses were always amusing and childish to me. It reminded me of the old her—but was there really ever an old her?

This was going very well until the last line, "It reminded me of the old her - but was there really ever an old her?" It wasn't a bad line, in fact, it was great - it just hit me with a spike of unexpected emotion.

Once the croconaw realized the situation as well, she immediately started propelling herself forward, past the yellow substance that was paralyzing her. I could tell that she was trying to run, but it looked more and more like jogging. Still, the butterfree remained suspended and focused on its attack as she got closer and closer, and when she was finally close enough, she jumped as high as she could and grabbed the butterfree with her clawed hands. Halcyon’s wings could no longer help him, and the stun spore attack ceased as he tried to free himself in vain. Kuiora had a firm grasp on him, despite the attack—it simply hadn’t had enough time to sink in and get to her completely yet.

Kuiora pulled down Halcyon and kept him in place with one hand. Instead of biting, Kuiora pulled back her other hand and thrust it forward, knocking the butterfree right out of her hands and into the bushes at the edge of the clearing. Kuiora, though she did not appear as tall and proud, stood there as tall as she could, tired and restrained from her battle. She was still smiling, though, which was a good sign. Marty ran over to the bushes to check on Halcyon, but came back with nothing.

I notice that you shifted from referring to Halcyon as "it" to "he." Was there a reason for that?

Bravo for Kuiora's victory, too. I hope this helps her out.

“Are you scared?” I asked, sort of actually feeling sorry for her.

“I get scared easily…” Gracie said, her voice trailing off, “but I can still fight!”

After she finished her sentence, she removed her paws from her face and ran toward me this time, so quick that she was leaving afterimages behind her every time she moved. Every cyndaquil I saw looked the same, and I couldn’t tell who was real and who wasn’t. I turned my body to the left and right, trying to find a good time to escape, but each time I turned, Gracie or her afterimages followed and I second guessed myself. This time, she smacked into me, sending me careening into the bushes this time instead of Halcyon.

I kind of like Gracie. Hopefully we get to see more of her.

“Gracie, it’s okay, I know you’re not much of a battler. Return!” Marty said, and she disappeared as a mere flash of red, maybe looking at me with those closed eyes with desperation. How could I tell, anyway?

“Good job, Senori. Return,” Sai said, copying Marty, though he didn’t return me to my pokéball. He rarely did.

“Well? I may have lost, but it wasn’t about winning or losing, just seeing trainer styles and appealing to our pokémon in the best way possible. Let them choose, and let them remember how you almost let Senori get killed and how you let Kuiora get so out of hand!” Marty cried, frowning and glaring at Sai. But Sai ignored him and turned to us instead.

But seeing Gracie might not be worth dealing with Marty. I really dislike him.

“You did well, Kuiora, Senori. And Atis would have done well too. I’m sorry that Marty feels compelled to do this… and I’m sorry that I’m inclined to agree with him on some points. Maybe, someday…” he said, stopping to smile softly. “Maybe someday I can love you as much as I was meant to.”

“I’d like to stay now that I can battle!” Kuiora said immediately, hugging and squeezing Sai’s leg closely to her. Sai smiled and rubbed her side, the one that had been damaged by Atis.

“The croconaw is too young to know better, but her choice is her choice,” Marty said, crossing his arms impatiently.

Marty, please go away. Sai's really trying here but Marty is ruining it.

“Why are you so set on trying to get rid of me as a trainer?” Sai asked, looking up at the other boy.

“I should just report you and have your pokémon forcibly taken from you,” Marty retorted.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Sai said, still calm and tired.

“Most pokémon don’t know what a real good trainer can be like. The only example they usually have is their first trainer… and by the time they realize what they really need and want in a trainer, they’re too far from home to find their way back. It’s too late, and they feel trapped. But I don’t want pokémon to feel that way!”

“I wouldn’t want them to, either,” Sai said sympathetically.

“You don’t act like it!” Marty cried, frustrated.

“I told you before… You don’t know me. I try my best.”

“Then let them choose. I let Gracie and Halcyon choose, and I’ll let Gracie choose again someday.”

It's not up to you...

“I never said I wouldn’t,” Sai said. He kneeled down once more, looked at all of us—but not expectedly. Perhaps he truly didn’t know what to expect. It made me wonder why he had accepted this battle in the first place. He did care, he cared, he did, I had to believe it. “Senori? Atis? No one should feel trapped or feel like they have to stay, Marty is right.”

There was a long silence before anyone said anything else. There were a lot of factors I had to consider. I could start over here. I could build a new clan… not of sentret, but of bugs and whatever else was in this forest. I could try to find my way back—though, like Marty said, it seemed impossible and tough and risky. I could leave Sai’s world of unpredictability and go back to a life of routine and serenity…

“I’d like to have time to think about it…” Atis mumbled eventually, finally, though something told me he would end up staying. Where else would he go? Maybe he’d stay until he found another purpose in his life, one that Sai couldn’t contribute to anymore.

I notice Atis really didn't say much at all in this chapter.

And me? I wondered. It was my turn. Yes, again, I could start over here. But didn’t I say I wouldn’t let Sai’s emotions get to me? And I had been doing well so far. I acted indifferent when he was going back and forth between being angry at me for losing the way I do and sad at himself for slowing him down, which he was still doing. Surely he’d be sad again soon—he was slowing down, and actually sleeping again, and he was no longer invincible… Yes, he was a rollercoaster. He always would be. And I feared his emotions deep down, even if I ignored them—I never knew what he was capable of, never knew what would happen next, never knew what kind of day I would have when I woke up. Still, he gave me a purpose, and he came at the right time in my life. He did seem to care, though there was something that was preventing him from showing it. Maybe, someday, like he said, he could show me, show all of us, and we could be happy…

In the end… I knew I loved him more than I feared him.

I chose to stay.

Good. Senori showed good reasoning here.

This chapter wasn't bad, but a lot of it was overshadowed by the presence of Marty. There was a lot of important bonding between Sai and Kuiora/Senori but using Marty as a catalyst was something I really don't know if I like. I get that he's supposed to be an antagonistic character, but I think he could use some more development and fleshing out so he isn't so unlikeable.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Okay, I'm sorry but this one feels a little forced. I know battling is the solution to most everything in this universe, but this time it just seemed to come out of nowhere.

Does it feel forced even after Marty explains why he demanded a battle and the reasoning behind his actions?

I notice that you shifted from referring to Halcyon as "it" to "he." Was there a reason for that?

Since it's from first person POV Senori didn't know it was a he until Marty referred to Halcyon as a he.

But seeing Gracie might not be worth dealing with Marty. I really dislike him.

He's meant to be unlikable, though do you have any suggestions as to how I could portray him as unlikable, though not unbearable? 0.0

I notice Atis really didn't say much at all in this chapter.

You're the only one who noticed, and I'm glad you did. His only real line here will be important later.

This chapter wasn't bad, but a lot of it was overshadowed by the presence of Marty. There was a lot of important bonding between Sai and Kuiora/Senori but using Marty as a catalyst was something I really don't know if I like. I get that he's supposed to be an antagonistic character, but I think he could use some more development and fleshing out so he isn't so unlikeable.

Oh, okay. Well hopefully further development on Marty will make him more bearable and also make you enjoy the fic more. Thanks for reading/reviewing as always, I enjoy reading your thoughts as you read the fic.

 

[The Great Butler]

Does it feel forced even after Marty explains why he demanded a battle and the reasoning behind his actions?

To a degree. It's more the sudden "challenge me to a battle!" thing coming out of nowhere that bothered me.

Since it's from first person POV Senori didn't know it was a he until Marty referred to Halcyon as a he.

Ah, that makes sense.

He's meant to be unlikable, though do you have any suggestions as to how I could portray him as unlikable, though not unbearable? 0.0

I guess character development is the most important thing. It can get me to like him.

Oh, okay. Well hopefully further development on Marty will make him more bearable and also make you enjoy the fic more. Thanks for reading/reviewing as always, I enjoy reading your thoughts as you read the fic.

You're welcome.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I guess character development is the most important thing. It can get me to like him.

I'll work on it then!

Anyway, the next chapter is coming along pretty slowly. I've been extremely busy and am unsure when it'll be out, but hopefully in the next couple weeks. Just wanted to give a small update.

 

[diamondpearl876]

SURVIVAL PROJECT
chapter 10 ; [EZREM]
grounded

*​

There once was a special team of pokémon with a special trainer. I daresay I was part of that team. She gave us all annoying names. There was Kephi the venipede, Virokoe the purrloin, Obieme the tepig, and Rennio the elekid. They loved her so, but I only tolerated her—just because she was the type of person that made you enjoy your name with the way she said it. We all respected her enough to never evolve, never attack out of fear or anger and so on. She was eccentric, though relaxed, nice, compromising... and therefore she was also easy to manipulate.

After earning six badges in Sinnoh and six badges in Unova, she wanted to go to Hoenn. She dreaded the day our journey would be over, so she refused to complete a gym circuit, and anyway, she wanted to see the waters and the unique cities there. I told her I had heard great things about Johto. She trusted me wholeheartedly and went along with what I said.

In reality, I had heard about a legendary pokémon that could travel through time. My plan was to go to the future and find a place I could permanently call home. Annie had taken me when I was young, and moving around did not satisfy me in the slightest.

Because I pretended to get along with her and because she truly loved us, she sacrificed her dream of going to Hoenn for me. We took a boat to get to Johto, as if we were really going to her dream region. She didn't talk about it, but we knew she was thinking of it.

When we arrived, she restarted the gym circuit. I agreed to let her do this. My destination was Azalea Town, which was only two badges in. I could at least give her that, but I soon wished I hadn't.

I didn't intend to do it. Townspeople gossiped about Celebi, the forest's protector, and how it revealed itself in the face of danger. Well, I decided to create my own danger so that I could talk to the legendary! I asked Obieme to make a fire and then come help me find food. He complained about our trainer not being there to watch the fire. I told him it was fine! We needed to mark a meeting place, at any rate, and this was what our trainer instructed. (She did no such thing.) Of course the tepig listened to me. Of course the fire spread because no one returned for a while, and of course the winds were strong that day.

If the forest guardian ever came, I don't know. All I know is that my trainer must have gotten trapped somewhere. Rennio escaped because he got lost at the next city's gate, and though Obieme was with me, I haven't seen him since. The team died along with my trainer and it was all my fault. Celebi had spited me.

My name is Ezrem. I got that name from my old trainer. She told me it sounded like it could be a type of jewel, an item to be cherished because it seemed so delicate yet, beneath its pretty exterior, was unyielding and sharp. She was certainly right, but I never got the chance to tell her so. I could not change my ways and she died for it.

My name is Ezrem. I don't need anyone's pity. I feel guilty enough as it is. This is just the surface of my story, where details are not needed.

*

Johto provided new adventures and a chance to go home. After the incident, I watched over Rennio. He was shaken and at a complete loss as to what to do next. His situation was especially dire because I had convinced him there weren't that many elekid left in existence. They were going extinct! He was now always the one to take extra precautions, such as avoiding battles.

“Now that we're alone, I vow to protect you!” I said to him, trying to atone for what I had done. It was the least I could do. I hoped we wouldn't find an elekid in Johto, though the species originated there. If that ever happened, Rennio would leave me. I would have nothing left, then.

We met Sai three months later. I tended to stand near the entrance of Ilex Forest, on the lookout for potential trainers I could manipulate into taking me home. So when I saw Sai, who was copying Marty just to make himself look smart, I dove in. The sentret was thrown into the bushes and I introduced myself in the best way possible—with advice! That would surely make them think of me as a good pokémon that liked to help others!

Seeing the two of them fight verbally afterward confirmed my choice. Marty had been a contender but had failed. He was too angry, stuck in his own ways... He wasn't for me. On the other hand, Sai's pokémon were loyal, and in return, so was he. I needed loyalty, for Sai not to betray me. Not to mention his lack of knowledge appealed to me as well.

I kept Rennio in mind. He was getting food and knew exactly where to find me, just as I knew where exactly to find him. I could have gone to help, but this was too intriguing...

“You know my sister?” Marty cried. His feet spread apart and his fists clenched, as if he were going to lunge forward. I couldn't see his face, but I assumed he didn't look pleased.

“I met her and saw your house,” Sai said. How could he remain so calm? His pokémon seemed nervous beyond belief!

“Did she say anything about me?” Marty asked, his tone softer. His body spoke otherwise.

“She said you were a good trainer.”

“She did...?”

“Yeah, she did. I bet she'd want to be as strong as you if she were a trainer.”

“She'll be a trainer soon... She wants to leave Azalea Town too,” he said quietly. Then he flared up again and added, “Don't think that she'd want to travel with you or anything! Or that I would want to. I'm out of here now.”

Marty left the clearing, walking like a normal person you would pass by on the road. I expected him to stomp off, mumbling inane profanities. He was disappointing. Nevertheless, I made a mental note about him. If he ever showed up, his sister was his weakness (and so was the mere idea of being a trainer, apparently).

This was when I made my appearance. If I waited any longer, Rennio would come back to interrupt me! Or Sai would leave! Neither of these things could happen. Sai was the one and I knew it. With my stubby feet I made my way through the bushes, ignoring the prickling thorns. The rustling noise caught the team's attention.

“I know you!” the sentret cried, darting out in front of Sai.

“Yes! I helped you. And you won,” I said, grinning like an idiot.

The sentret let his guard down, confused. “Yeah, we won. You weren't talking that way before, though,” he said.

“No? I talk this way all the time. Believe me!” I said. I fluttered my wings ever so slightly. This was the beginning of my long flight home, wherever that was.

I turned to Sai, wondering why he hadn't taken to me like most other passers-by. Trainers didn't see rufflet in Johto very often. Their excitement and desperation showed as they tried to catch me. I can never be formally caught, however. My old pokéball is out there somewhere. If Sai was the one, he wouldn't mind.

But all he did was stare at me blankly. I went to his side and used my wing to point toward his backpack. He opened it for me, allowing me to retrieve whatever I wanted. In any other situation that would have been a bad idea! This time I took out a single pokéball. I dropped it on the ground, jumping up and down for emphasis. Sai did nothing.

I scowled against my better judgment. I turned to the sentret and said, “Tell your trainer I want to join his team.”

“He can understand you,” the sentret replied automatically, almost bored.

“He can?” My old trainer was able to communicate with pokémon too. Was it a coincidence?

“He's an interesting human, to say the least.”

I agreed. I looked Sai straight in the eye, showing him I wasn't afraid. I wasn't afraid of a trainer who could mysteriously talk to pokémon, even though it had worked against me in the past. This only meant that I could express myself in any way I pleased. I would simply have to be more careful.

“I want to join your team,” I said sternly. “I can't be caught in a pokéball, but I won't stray from your side if you take me with you. I have experience. I'm smart. Ask your—”

“No,” Sai interrupted. My beak hung up open. Had he really rejected me right off the bat?

I was about to try to change his mind when I heard cackling and a distinct humming noise. Sai and his team were alarmed, but I wasn't. What bad timing, though! I knew it was Rennio. That's what happens when you're stuck with him for so long, scrutinizing every move...

“Finally! Rennio has come back to the world!” he cried, emerging from the bushes. The elekid held an armful of berries, but he dropped them when he saw his audience. Once he spotted me, he saw how friendly I was being, so he steadily made his way over to us. It would be hard for him to go through another bout of disappointment, but such was life.

I couldn't have predicted what came next.

“Atis, get that pokémon!” Sai cried suddenly. The hitmontop looked absolutely dreadful, being asked to fight. He launched forward anyway, preparing to kick Rennio directly in the face.

I couldn't grasp the situation immediately. Once I figured it out, I knew I had to protect Rennio at all costs, even from our future trainer. I intervened rather aggressively, moving Rennio out the way, figuring it was safer than attacking the hitmontop head-on. The hitmontop slowed and came to a halt, not bothering to chase us.

“No attacking Rennio!” I said, unsure if I was demanding this of Atis or Sai. I addressed Sai alone as I added, “He's my friend. He would like to join your team with me.”

“What?” Rennio said dumbly, looking up at me. I was on top of him due to the crash, but I wasn't going to let him escape, even if he electrocuted me. I would have to fill him in after all was said and done. I motioned for him to follow along.

Sai frowned. How straightforward did I have to be? We both wanted to be his pokémon! The end! He needed a rare, foreign pokémon and an electric-type anyway, right?

Wrong.

My hopes were dashed when Sai pulled a black and white die out of his pocket. The object mocked me as it went from Sai's hand to Rennio's. The boy preferred my companion, but I didn't know why!

“Roll it,” Sai said.

I nodded to Rennio. Like the berries, he dropped the die on the ground, unaware of what his actions meant. When four black dots appeared, Sai reacted joyfully. I felt empty.

“You're my fourth pokémon!” he cried, diving onto his knees and leaning in to hug the electric-type. Rennio was embraced lovingly, but he was puzzled. His facial expression asked me whether or not he should make a run for it. I had no answer.

“Are you going to give him a name?” the croconaw said, chiming in now that the ordeal was over.

Sai paused before saying, “No. The elekid doesn't have a name.”

“My name is Rennio. My other trainer—”

“You don't have a name,” Sai said, gripping the pokémon's shoulders tightly.

“I don't?” Rennio's voice was barely audible above his new teammates' cheering.

“No. You don't.”

“I'm really your pokémon.” It was a statement, not a question, but Sai confirmed the fact regardless. “Are you sure? What about Ezrem?” he added, coming to my side.

“Ezrem is not my pokémon, but you are.”

Rennio wasn't the type to deny others. He also wasn't the type to doubt me, so he must have known I had something in mind. He requested to say goodbye to me if he were going to leave me.

“Go right ahead, but... Kuiora, go over there and make sure he doesn't run off on us, okay?” Sai said, pushing the croconaw toward us.

As she approached us, she said, “My trainer is very picky about our team. The elekid must be pretty cool."

“Really?” I mumbled under my breath. Sai was a good trainer, but what did that do for me if I couldn't be with him? Although I was jealous of Rennio, I tried to be happy for him.

“Really."

I couldn't help but smile at her. In a way, she reminded me of my former trainer...

“Well,” I said, clearing my throat, “I have a feeling he'll be the perfect trainer for you, Rennio.”

“Wait... You're really going?”

“What kind of question is that?” I sneered. “I want to go home. With you and Sai.”

“Home?” Kuiora chimed in.

“We'll be going to Unova. Or somewhere else.”

The croconaw seemed to overflow with joy. She tackled me in a fun, playful way. Thankfully I escaped her grasp before my wings broke.

“What was that for?” I cried.

“You're from a foreign land! ...Wait a minute." She looked me over and seemed to come to some sort of conclusion. "You're a legendary pokémon, aren't you? I've heard the stories, seen the pictures..."

“Stories?” I asked, curious.

“Stories about bravery and strength, rescuing and war... I can't believe I found a legendary so early!” She held her paws together and beamed at me.

I pretended I had heard such stories. Yes, braviary and I were marvelous! We were underrated, soon to be famous if she willed it! If Sai wouldn't accept me, having one of his pokémon worship me was the next best thing.

“This is great. Sai doesn't know what he's doing... You should definitely be on our team.”

“Agreed, my friend!”

“Yeah. Ezrem, I can't do this alone...” Rennio said, turning my attention toward him. I was engrossed in the legendary pokémon business and I had forgotten about him, the poor elekid.

“Don't worry,” I said. “I'll go on this journey with you. I've got it all planned out.”

“You do?”

“I do. I'll protect you."

“You promise?”

“I promise,” I said, grinning generously.

Rennio returned the gesture. Now I was stuck. I was grounded to a future I wasn't confident about. My wings were trapped—such was the curse of being a flying-type who couldn't actually fly. If I tried, I could drop and crash at any given moment. It was my fault were in this mess to begin with, though... Sai betrayed me from the start, but a promise was a promise...

Rennio and Sai just didn't know what they did to me, making me reconsider my morals and whatnot...

Well, I'd make it home, with or without them. That much was crystal clear.

 

[Crimson Penguin]

Yay, it's finally back~

I've been pretty inactive around the fanfiction forum lately, so this review might be a bit rusty, but I'll do my best.

First off: Ezrem is brilliant. I wasn't expecting such a manipulative personality to come out of an unassuming Pokemon like Rufflet, but you made it work so well. (I know firsthand how manipulative birds can be, because I have a pet cockatiel, and she has me wrapped around her little claw.) And that backstory made me want to hate him and feel sorry for him at the same time. Amazing what some misguided motivation will do. I wonder how his trainer's death will affect him later on?

I also thought it was great that you changed up Sai's "formula" for catching Pokemon. Bringing Rennio into the mix was certainly a refreshing twist, and his personality seems to contrast nicely with Ezrem's controlling nature. I wonder why Sai didn't want to give Rennio a name, though. I'd be inclined to think it's because he was owned by a different trainer, but I'm sure Sai has a different explanation. It also seems like Sai might be able to see through Ezrem's ruse, as well - otherwise I don't know why the Rufflet wasn't one of the "chosen ones." Speaking of which, though, it was interesting that Ezrem was so sure that Sai was going to be the trainer for him, and that he was so jealous when Rennio was given favor instead. Seems to me like Ezrem's manipulative ways are an attempt to hide his own insecurities?

I'd just like to point out a few places that stood out to me:

I had not a clue about much of anything. We were, of course, still in Ilex Forest when we met Sai, three months after the incident. When Rennio was away, I liked to stand near the entrance of the forest and watch for potential trainers to manipulate into taking me home or finding me a home. So when I saw those trainers Marty and Sai, when I saw that Sai had little training experience and was copying Marty just to make himself look smart, I decided to butt in. The sentret was thrown back into the bushes, and I found my chance. I introduced myself in the best way possible—with advice! That would surely make them interested in me and think of me as a good pokémon, one who liked to help others…

What a little b*****d... Even so, he still manages to be endearing. Which is exactly what he'd want. XD

Suddenly, the croconaw’s eyes widened considerably. She began jumping up and down again, this time higher and higher, overflowed with joy. She also tried to tackle me in a fun way, but I thankfully dodged out of the way before any of my wings were broken.

“What was that for?”

“You’re a legendary pokémon, aren’t you?! You’re from a foreign land! I’ve heard stories about you and your evolved form! I know you’re legendary, so don’t try to hide it from me!”

“Stories?” I asked. I couldn’t help but be curious.

“Stories about such bravery and strength, about rescuing and war. Yes, they were definitely about you. I can’t believe I got to find a legendary pokémon so early on in our journey!” she said, holding her paws together and gleaming at me.

I had never heard of such stories, but I pretended like I had. I told her that yes, they were about me and my evolved form breviary. And yes, I was indeed a legendary pokémon. If Sai wouldn’t accept me, then having one of his pokémon accept me was clearly the next best thing. Then, maybe, he would realize how much his team liked me, and he would ask me to join the team. Yes, that could work, just maybe! It was worth a shot, at any rate.

I still love Kuiora. : D I can't wait to see more interactions between these two (read: how much Ezrem can mess with Kuiora's head). I'd hate to think what would happen if/when Kuiora catches on to his tricks, though; it wouldn't be pretty for the poor bird.

I said I promised, and Rennio smiled. Kuiora smiled, for other reasons, but it was a smile nonetheless. I smiled, too, but I didn’t know what I was smiling for. After all, I had chosen Sai, but he hadn’t chosen me?

He betrayed me from the start. But I was stuck. I had vowed to make it up to Rennio, and it was my fault we were in this mess to begin with, anyway.

Right now, I was grounded; my wings were broken. It was crystal clear that my dreams were hanging from a wire, ready to drop and crash at any moment.

Rennio, Sai, you don’t know what you do to me.

I will make it home…

Aww... You sure do manage to pack in a lot of emotion into a short amount of time. It seems like there's more to Ezrem wanting to get home than he's letting on, though...

Anyway, found a few small errors:

“Atis, get that pokémon!” Sai cried suddenly, his arm extended and pointing directly at Rennio. The hitmontop from behind peaked out around Sai as if he were peering around the side of a building, watching for danger.

Should be "peeked."

He stood up a few moments later, looking for his target but appeared dizzy.

The wording here is slightly confusing, so you may want to add a comma after "target."

Rennio peered over at me, and I nodded. So Rennio rolled it, or something like that. Like the berries, he dropped them on the ground as if I had just rammed him in the stomach once more. He probably wasn’t ready for another trainer or another traner’s attention, the poor guy, but it had to be done, I thought.

Forgot an "i" in the second "trainer". Also, the bolded part seems slightly redundant to me - since it's kind of implied that a new trainer would already give attention to a newly caught Pokemon, I think you could probably reduce that passage to just one phrase or the other, if my explanation makes any sense. It's up to you, though.

I had never heard of such stories, but I pretended like I had. I told her that yes, they were about me and my evolved form breviary.

Braviary.

Other than that, though, you've done an excellent job, as always. Looking forward to more.

~Crimson Penguin

 

[Dragonicwari]

That was really good and I can't find any spelling or grammatical errors that have not been mentioned s, do we get an intro chapter for the Elekid too? As far as I can tell he's just some trusting mon so far

 

[Dragonfree]

So I caught up sometime after chapter nine, after lagging behind by a chapter or two since about chapter four. I haven't been making quote-by-quote notes, if you'll forgive me, but overall I really like Kuiora and her constant issues with proving herself (she's my favorite of the Pokémon), Sai is cryptic as ever, and there's been a lot of interesting stuff going on (e.g. Kuiora attacking Sai).

As for chapter ten, that was very intriguing as well. Ezrem is a bit of a puzzle; he's dangerously manipulative but also just seems confused and insecure, like manipulation is just the only way he knows to get what he wants. He seems like a fascinating character and I look forward to seeing more of him, especially since at the beginning he implies there's more to his story than what he stated there - and being that he is manipulative, I'm not sure we can entirely trust him as a narrator.

Meanwhile, yet again it's Sai that captivates me - specifically, when he says, "The elekid doesn't have a name." The Elekid doesn't have a name? It sounds like he's referring to some specific Elekid that already doesn't have a name, rather than deciding his own Elekid won't have one. I think he's laboring to reconstruct a specific team - if he was once a Pokémon, a theory I'm still holding on to, perhaps the team his own trainer used to have. Admittedly I don't remember quite well enough at the moment how his previous captures played out exactly, which could contradict that interpretation - but I still feel like I'm on to something. I might give those chapters a quick reread later.

It'll be interesting to see how Rennio copes and how Ezrem fits into the whole picture.

 

[diamondpearl876]

First off: Ezrem is brilliant. I wasn't expecting such a manipulative personality to come out of an unassuming Pokemon like Rufflet, but you made it work so well. (I know firsthand how manipulative birds can be, because I have a pet cockatiel, and she has me wrapped around her little claw.)

Oh my lordy, I have six cockatiels and they're all evil. Well, not really, but they certainly can be manipulative. Glad to see another cockatiel fan out there, wooo!

And that backstory made me want to hate him and feel sorry for him at the same time.

Aw, that's what I was going for. I personally hate when I can't make up my mind on how to feel about something, and then I went and did the same thing to readers. Oops.

I wonder why Sai didn't want to give Rennio a name, though. I'd be inclined to think it's because he was owned by a different trainer, but I'm sure Sai has a different explanation.

Sai's explanations are never normal, ya know.

Seems to me like Ezrem's manipulative ways are an attempt to hide his own insecurities?

Sounds about right.

I can't wait to see more interactions between these two (read: how much Ezrem can mess with Kuiora's head). I'd hate to think what would happen if/when Kuiora catches on to his tricks, though; it wouldn't be pretty for the poor bird.

Lmao, I don't even want to think about that.

Anyway, found a few small errors:

Fixed them all, thanks for pointing them out. Although I could have sworn I spelled braviary right and then autocorrect messed it up.

That was really good and I can't find any spelling or grammatical errors that have not been mentioned s, do we get an intro chapter for the Elekid too? As far as I can tell he's just some trusting mon so far

Yes, Rennio does get an introduction chapter where his character will get fleshed out a bit more. Look out for it!

So I caught up sometime after chapter nine, after lagging behind by a chapter or two since about chapter four. I haven't been making quote-by-quote notes, if you'll forgive me, but overall I really like Kuiora and her constant issues with proving herself (she's my favorite of the Pokémon), Sai is cryptic as ever, and there's been a lot of interesting stuff going on (e.g. Kuiora attacking Sai).

As for chapter ten, that was very intriguing as well. Ezrem is a bit of a puzzle; he's dangerously manipulative but also just seems confused and insecure, like manipulation is just the only way he knows to get what he wants. He seems like a fascinating character and I look forward to seeing more of him, especially since at the beginning he implies there's more to his story than what he stated there - and being that he is manipulative, I'm not sure we can entirely trust him as a narrator.

Meanwhile, yet again it's Sai that captivates me - specifically, when he says, "The elekid doesn't have a name." The Elekid doesn't have a name? It sounds like he's referring to some specific Elekid that already doesn't have a name, rather than deciding his own Elekid won't have one. I think he's laboring to reconstruct a specific team - if he was once a Pokémon, a theory I'm still holding on to, perhaps the team his own trainer used to have. Admittedly I don't remember quite well enough at the moment how his previous captures played out exactly, which could contradict that interpretation - but I still feel like I'm on to something. I might give those chapters a quick reread later.

It'll be interesting to see how Rennio copes and how Ezrem fits into the whole picture.

Well, I'm glad my slow update was good for you to catch up! I'm also glad you still like Kuiora even with her going pretty much crazy, since some people were skeptical about that.

It sure seems like he's trying to resconstruct some kind of team, isn't he? Though I don't want to give away details, since I'm evil like that, we'll see if your theory changes later on. Thanks for commenting!