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T.L.O.T.H. Version2(Multishipping)

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MasterCharizard15

Manly Eybrows!
To Love or To Hate
Shippings-​
Ages​
Pokeshipping​
Ash-26/Drew-22/Reggie-28​
Contestshipping​
Misty-26/Conway-21/Harley-27​
Ikarishipping​
Brock-31/Dawn-21​
Shootdownshipping​
Tracey-26/Paul-22​
Orangeshipping​
May-22/Kenny-21​
Heattagshipping​
Max-19/Zowey-21​
~StarWisher~
Prolouge
Its been 11 years since Ash battled in the Sinnoh League. Alot of things has happened since then too! Ash became a Pokemon Master at age 21! Defeating Steven,Wallace,Cynthia, and Lance! But he isn't the only one to do big things! Misty's Gym became the toughest in Kanto while Brock's became the 2nd. speaking of him, he became the #1 breeder in Kanto!
May,Dawn,Drew and Zowey each won at the Grand Festival while Paul became the new Sinnoh Champ! Even the youngest, Max, had accomplishments under his belt! Scoring 2nd in the Hoenn and Sinnoh leagues, while winning the Silver Conference and Indgo Plateu! Now we come to our current story. Everyone is celebrating their first union after 2 years of speration! Everyone is shocked how much they changed and how they remained the same. the Dawn and Paul being a couple thing threw everyone for a loop! While Drew and May being a couple shocked no one at all!
Though the one they were most intrested in was Ash and Misty's!
They all wonder if their favorite dunce even knew what being boyfriend and girlfriend was about! Alot of things are gonna happen on this week long reunion...alot of things! People feel joy,pain,hate,love and confusion while others are left in the dark. As some enjoy the time together,others will hate it!
Conway's POV
I hate Paul with all of my being! My first time in Kanto and he has to be here!
I don't care how many balloons are here,or how beautiful the night makes the party decorations on Ash's house look! This day sucks all because of that thing I call Paul! Why would my precious Dawn even give him the time of day?
He is just so...so rude, crude,ugly,evil,shady,dark...and so cool! Why doesn't she see that I'm the one for her? That low life she's dating stole my haircut even! Dawn...your so sunny,kind ,funny,warm and gentle...and loving...shes everything he is not! I can't stand him one bit! I hope he falls off a cliff and...dies!
"You alright Conway"?
"Yeah I'm fine Kenny...whats wrong"?
"No nothing..its just that you were staring off into space really hard"
"Look I'm Fine Ok"!
"Well don't look like it one bit dude"!
"What can't a guy stare into space without getting 3rd degree''?
"Look I...Know you like Dawn and all...but that doesn't mean you can take out your anger and rage out on me"!
"I lost the women that I loved"!
"If you were their Kenny...You would understand..."
"I remember it like it was yesterday..."
"Oh man...a sob story"!
"It was in a mall near Hearthome city".
"Hi Conway"!
Um...Hey Dawn...Why are you hanging out with Paul"?
"Cause hes my boyfriend Conway"!
At that moment I lost myself...
"But hes an evil,twisted,punk who stole my Haircut"!
"He called you,Ash and Brock worthless like a million times and..."
"Your right Conway he did...can you forgive him"?
"Huh"? "Sure Dawn...."
"Thank you...."
Crack! That was the sound my face made when Dawn punched me right in my face! But what she said afterward hurt just as much!
"I don't care if you forgive me"!
"I don't care if everyone else hates him...cause I love him"!
"Wow"! "Dawn I can't believe that you punched that guy out...over me"!
"Well...thats how I really feel...Paul".
"Well I feel the same way to Dawn...I love you"!
"Hawha"! "Really"!?!
"Yes...Hey what the"?
"She hugged and kissed him! Showing nothing but joy...just thinking about it kills me inside"!
"Wow"! "That was rough....".
"Shut up Kenny"! "You know nothing about it"!
"You know what Conway you can just be by yourself"!
"Fine"! "Who needs you anyway...loser..."

 
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~StarWisher~

Ikari-licious~♥
Awesome prologue! ^.^
Can't wait for first chapter!
And yay! I'm on the PM List xD
 

Encyclopika

The Queen
Needs a rating. Please add one by tomorrow or this is getting closed. Thank you.
 
Well this fic does have some potential (and it has HeatTagshipping!!, which is already a plus. Although it appears like it's going to be only one-sided...)
Still, it could use some work. First off, you could use more description in between the dialogue. Show what the characters are doing to add more life to the story!
Speaking of the dialogue, don't be afraid to use dialogue tags once and a while. It clarifies who is speaking, especially when there are multiple characters. Especially here:

"He called you,Ash and Brock worthless like a million times and..."
"You're right Conway he did...can you forgive him"?
"Huh"? "Sure Dawn...."
"Thank you...."
Crack! That was the sound my face made when Dawn punched me right in my face! But what she said afterward hurt just as much!
"I don't care if you forgive me"!
"I don't care if everyone else hates him...cause I love him"!
"Wow"! "Dawn I can't believe that you punched that guy out...over me"!

It was confusing about who was speaking, and remained like that for the rest of the prologue... Some of the spacing was off too, and two characters were speaking in the same line, like where I bolded.
I also made a little grammar correction in bold...

May,Dawn,Drew and Zowey

Don't you mean Zoey?

"If you were there Kenny...You would understand..."

Should be there instead of their... But it's a common mistake.


He is just so...so rude, crude, ugly, evil, shady, dark...and so cool! Why doesn't she see that I'm the one for her? That low life she's dating stole my haircut even! Dawn...your so sunny, kind, funny, warm, and gentle...and loving...shes everything he is not!

I know it may seem nickpicky, but you need to put spaces after commas. its a puncuation rule, I believe. Plus it makes things look neater.

There was a few other minor issues, but it's no big deal. Just make sure to proof-read first! :D
Add a more description of the characters' actions and surroundings, and the story will shape up well.
Please don't think I'm being too harsh; I'm just trying to help out with a story that looks like it has potential! :3
I'll be looking out for your next update and hopefully you'll take my advice!(And like Encyclopika said, don't forget to add a rating! We wouldn't want to get this thread closed... D:)
 

Encyclopika

The Queen
I said I'd close it after a day. :( You need a rating - it's a vital part of any fic here.

//CLOSED
 
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