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Tales of Overlooked Pokémon (one-shot series: PG)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by jynxed, Jan 12, 2013.

  1. jynxed

    jynxed Member

    Tales of Overlooked Pokémon (one-shot series: PG)

    [Author's note: This will be a series of short stories about the forgotten Pokémon of the world. Each chapter will be about a different Pokémon.]

    Chapter One - Nosepass

    I am a Nosepass.

    No one’s ever called me Nosepass, though, but then again no one’s ever called me anything. I live too deep in this cave to have ever been acknowledged by humans. Don’t get me wrong, though; I’ve heard of them. Other, more mobile, Pokémon always talked about humans and battles and devices called Pokéballs. Things I thought I’d never see.

    What do I call myself? I don’t and honestly I've never thought about it. There was one Nosepass I did name, however. She sat facing North, as we all did, a few yards closer to the exit of the cave than me. I called her Gem. Sometimes we would talk but I could rarely make out what she was saying. If only she could turn to me or I could go to her. But magnetism doesn’t work on us yet.

    She was beautiful, Gem. At least she was from what I could tell. She would always greet the Zubat, the Geodude, the Paras. She would always let Jigglypuff sing to her. She was sweet. Whenever the Jigglypuff would sing to me I’d just fall asleep so they stopped even bothering with me after a while.

    Being basically immobile wasn’t so bad. I never had to worry where I would go next; I never had to worry about things left behind. I just sat there, shifting slightly toward my Gem as she shifted slightly toward the exit. I knew she wasn’t running from me. From what I’d heard of our conversations she dreamt of meeting a human. This desire would ultimately keep us apart, but I wasn’t going to give up.

    One day a flock of Zubat flew past, speaking to each other too quickly to be understood. I didn’t think much of it since they got spooked easily, but it was strange that not one of them even gave notice to Gem or me. I asked Gem if she had been able to hear anything they had said, but she was silent. I noticed her try to shift to face me but to no avail.

    A few days passed and nothing irregular had happened, but we hadn’t seen those Zubat since they had flown deeper into the cavern. I tried not to get too worried; Zubat are strange creatures.

    The next day, though, the ground began to shake. Every now and then an Onix would pass through, causing small earthquakes or cave-ins, but it was never serious. I braced myself for the Onix to come by, but it never did. I shouted to Gem to see if she knew what was going on, but she said nothing, still trying to turn toward me.

    The constant attempts to shift away from the entrance started to worry me. What could she see up ahead? What was she trying to tell me? Whenever she spoke her voice was shakier and harder to understand than usual. I tried my best to inch toward her and for once I wished I hadn’t been a Nosepass.

    That’s when it happened. The rumbling had grown unbearably loud, shaking rocks loose from the walls and ceiling of the cave. A flash of red and steel blinded me. By the time I regained focus Gem had risen off the ground, metal bits flying at her from all sides. I had never seen her use her electromagnetism before. Something big was happening.

    I screamed her name but she just floated there. The flash of red blinded me again and this time I heard voices. Not Pokémon voices, either; these were different. When I opened my eyes again I saw a Pokémon, but not one native to our area. I had never seen anything like it before. It was giant. A searing flame billowed from its red mouth toward Gem as its blue wings stirred up dust. Gem didn’t know what to do. I tried to help but I was useless; I might as well have been a million yards away. All I could do was watch in horror.

    The voices screamed again. Those shrill, unpredictable voices. What were they? What Pokémon was this? Fire blasted Gem again. Unable to bear anymore she shuddered and fell to the ground. I called her name but she didn’t answer; she didn’t even try to face me this time. An object was hurled toward her and opened up, emitting a light that inhaled her. In an instant she was gone and I heard shouting. My only friend was gone.

    The voices grew quieter and quieter, the shaking stopped, and all was as it had been before. Except Gem. I sat in the dark, alone for the first time in my life. Soon the Zubat returned, the Geodude returned, the Paras returned. The absence of Gem was felt throughout the cave. I finally was able to ask the Zubat what they had seen and their answer was simple: humans.

    Their answer was what saved me. Gem had always wanted to meet humans and she had. I may have been alone but my Gem was happy. After a while I learned to appreciate the Pokémon of the cave like Gem had. The Jigglypuff even returned to sing to me and I did my best to stay awake for their performances. Gem may’ve been gone, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I still inched toward the exit of the cave, toward where Gem once sat waiting for an adventure.
  2. The story's pretty good. IMO your strongest point is your language, since it's very polished and it makes the reading of it more enjoyable.

    For me, what you need to work on more is your plot. It's very clear and straightforward, and there's nothing wrong with that, but by the end I got the feeling that there wasn't much that happened. While a lot of good stories also have plots where not much happens, there isn't any attempt here to work with that nothingness, which I feel you could have with the part where Gem is captured or in the narrator's general frustration/wonder/whatever feeling he was feeling when Gem was ignoring him. Since there isn't much action going on, you can work with the Nosepass' reactions and emotions, which can be effective seeing as you're using the first-person point-of-view anyway.

    The relationship of the narrator and Gem isn't clear, too, as for the most part you say they don't talk at all, while some parts you mention them having previous conversations. Assuming both are true, is there any reason for this shift? And if that reason is Gem's desire to be captured, why should that make her not want to talk to the narrator anymore?

    I feel both of my points above can be addressed if you expand this story in general, seeing as that'll make you explore your characters and their dynamics with each other more. And, well, you'll also address my very first point, in that you'll treat your readers with more of your polished language.

    Good job! :)

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