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Tales of Team Solight

Illusione-Tempus

Well-Known Member
Yeah, I finally forced myself to typed it into my computer... Well I'll rate it [G] for now, but we'll see what will the story be...

Prologue

Some time ago, at the night of a full moon, in a crescent shaped island, there was a shadowy creature. Black covered its body , it has a red collar and a white top, moving as if it is an eternal flame unable to be put down. The creature was trying to reach the peak of Moonlight Mountain, in search of something.

But another creature, which was shining by the moonlight, saw the foul creature. So it released two glowing jewels, and they disappeared at the moonlight.

The dark creature came to the peak, searching for what it had been searching for... But the moon creature, it stood at the dark creature's path.But the dark creature was too strong for it, and so, the moon creature crashed onto the ground.

"Back off... from the crystal." the moon creature cried weakly.

"Well, you look marvelous tonight." the dark creature laughed. "Look at that beautiful crystal, it's asking me to take it"

The dark creature was about to take it when the moon creature suddenly stood near the crystal. But with the energy drained from the attack, it fell.

"How... could you?" the moon creature was getting weaker, and yet it tries to protect it.

"Why should I care?" said the dark creature. "Now that the crystal is mine, you can't save it anymore"

"You... promised.... not to.... take it.... again......."

"Since when I made promises with you? Now goodbye"

This leaves me to one choice..., the moon creature thought. Soon, light started to shine from it, and within seconds, the whole island was shining with light so bright. The dark creature can't believe what it was seeing. "I will... not let you escape... this island......."

"What the..." the dark creature barely finished its words when the island starts to fade away.

"Soon, we will be freed... but then... it will be a long time... before we...... can....... roam..... the skies....... once more........" the moon creature prophesied. After a long cry from the moon creature, the island disappeared.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~​


In a little house, there's a girl named Michelle, approximately 150 cm tall, with long wavy black hair and a very smooth face. Michelle was ready to go to bed, and was waiting for her mother to tell her a bedtime story.

"Michelle dear," said her mother, "you don't have to hear bedtime stories to sleep. You're grown up already"

"But mother, I know what you mean." said Michelle. "I just want someone to accompany me when I sleep."

"Nothing's going to happen to you dear." said her mother with a gentle voice.

"But... maybe I can sleep alone today." she said. " I believe that I'll be safe."

"That's a good girl," said her mother as she kissed her daughter at the forehead, "now good night."

Michelle's mother left her room, switching the lights off as she leaves. And so she was alone, no one to accompany her but the night lights. It was peaceful and quiet, Michelle think she'll sleep faster than she thought.


Suddenly, the night lights went off, which gave Michelle quiet a shock. And right in front of her bed was a shadow. But it wasn't like any ordinary shadow, it was darker than even the darkest of all the shadows.

Michelle, being afraid, she ran to the door. But she can't open the door, the door was stuck. The weird shadow started to approach her.

"Mother! Open the door!" She tried to scream for her mother, but there was no reply, she was alone.

Michelle tried to make a run to her bed, and hid under her blanket. But the shadow managed to catch her. there was one long scream, and then.... there was nothing.

~To be continued

Let's hope the mods won't close this :)
 

Concept

Führer of Fun
One thing I've noticed is that you randomly change tense several times. Pick a tense and stick with it. Anyone can tell that your creatures are Darkrai and Cresselia, so just say that rather than repeating "x creature". You seem to suffer from excessive comma syndrome. Many of your sentences can be restructured to remove the commas. Also, you tend to list your description, so it breaks with the flow of the story. For example;

Some time ago, at the night of a full moon, in a crescent shaped island, there was a shadowy creature. Black covered its body , it has a red collar and a white top, moving as if it is an eternal flame unable to be put down.

Try something more along the lines of:

The full moon shone on the shadowy creature as it stalked the crescent isle. It was as if a hole had been cut from the night; the only colour was it's white top and red collar, which stood out against it's black form.

Not the greatest example ever, but an improvement. And no, you may not use it.

But another creature, which was shining by the moonlight, saw the foul creature. So it released two glowing jewels, and they disappeared at the moonlight.

The dark creature came to the peak, searching for what it had been searching for... But the moon creature, it stood at the dark creature's path.But the dark creature was too strong for it, and so, the moon creature crashed onto the ground.

Poor structure with the continous use of "but" to start a sentence. Also, the repeated use of the word "creature", which is a problem throughout the fic. A description of the fight that I can only assume happened is necessary; at the moment it reads "moon thing stands up to dark thing, but dark thing is teh strong and moon thing falls down!"

"Well, you look marvelous tonight." the dark creature laughed. "Look at that beautiful crystal, it's asking me to take it"

The dark creature was about to take it when the moon creature suddenly stood near the crystal. But with the energy drained from the attack, it fell.

Darkrai sounds kind of flat here.

"Nice to see you too, Cresselia" Darkrai laughed; a cold, high sound. Unnatural. "Ahh, the crystal! After all this time, it's finally before me... listen, Cresselia. Can you hear it? It's whispering to me... begging me to take it!"

Darkrai reached out for the crystal, hardly daring to believe it might be his. Cresselia tried to stand and fight, but was too exhausted; she collapsed again, much to Darkrai's amusement.

"Pathetic" he sneered.


Again, not great but an improvement. You may not just steal my example.

"How... could you?" the moon creature was getting weaker, and yet it tries to protect it.

"Why should I care?" said the dark creature. "Now that the crystal is mine, you can't save it anymore"

"You... promised.... not to.... take it.... again......."

"Since when I made promises with you? Now goodbye"

More tense swapping here. "Made" should probably be "kept" in Darkrai's last line. Also, this gives little description of their emotions; you should find some way to make the reader feel Cresselia's despair and Darkrai's triumph.

This leaves me to one choice..., the moon creature thought. Soon, light started to shine from it, and within seconds, the whole island was shining with light so bright. The dark creature can't believe what it was seeing. "I will... not let you escape... this island......."

"What the..." the dark creature barely finished its words when the island starts to fade away.

Yet more tense swapping. If you want my advice, go with the past tense throughout, as it's a more natural method of telling stories. When you're telling someone what happened, you don't say "and now it's crashing", you'd say "and then it crashed". I have a problem with "shining with a light so bright" as well. In my opinion, the sentence should either continue ("shining with a light so bright that Darkrai was forced to shield his eyes" or some such) or read "the whole island shone with a bright light". I'm not sure whether what you've written is actually incorrect or not though, so I'd like to see someone else's opinion on that particular sentence.

"Soon, we will be freed... but then... it will be a long time... before we...... can....... roam..... the skies....... once more........" the moon creature prophesied. After a long cry from the moon creature, the island disappeared.

Yet more repetition of the word "creature".

In my opinion, the prologue should only ever be a single scene, so the next section should be the beginning of chapter one.

In a little house, there's a girl named Michelle, approximately 150 cm tall, with long wavy black hair and a very smooth face.

Most people have a problem picturing heights/weights excetra as numbers. Give them with respect to average, eg "a girl slightly under average height". Your description shouldn't all be lumped in one place either. Spread it out throughout the chapter; describe her hair perhaps when she tidies it behind her ear or whatever.

"But mother, I know what you mean." said Michelle. "I just want someone to accompany me when I sleep."

Your characters need more expression; depending on her age, she could mumble this quietly, ashamed of her fear, or be all annoying and babyish over it if she's like, 6 or 7.

Suddenly, the night lights went off, which gave Michelle quiet a shock.

This line sounds more comical than anything else; it's more like someone's reaction to jumping out and going "boo!" than actual fear.

The following section is a good example of your excessive comma use. Half of them could be replaced by full stops. The tense problem also continues throughout it.

"Mother! Open the door!" She tried to scream for her mother, but there was no reply, she was alone.

You need to instil a real sense of panic here.

"Mother! Open the door!" Michelle pulled at the door, desperate to open it. A blind panic seized her as the door remained closed; she pulled the handle more frantically, but to no avail.

The shadow drifted closer.


If I could come up with that whilst writing the review, you can come up with something much better with proper time spent on it. You may not use my example.

Michelle tried to make a run to her bed, and hid under her blanket. But the shadow managed to catch her. there was one long scream, and then.... there was nothing.

Again, I'm not really getting any sense of urgency or suspense from this line as I should be.

Prioritise changing it all into one tense and restructuring to remove the needless commas. After that, description needs an overhaul too; physical descriptions need to seem more natural rather than lists, and actions needs some actual description, as there is virtually none in what you've written which makes it very hard to work out what's happening sometimes. Even when I can work out what's happening, it doesn't evoke any emotions on me, because without description it seems flat.
 
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