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Tall Tales, Fish Stories, and Whoppers: a One-Shot Contest!

Discussion in 'The Authors' Café' started by Ysavvryl, Mar 1, 2012.

  1. Ysavvryl

    Ysavvryl Pokedex Researcher

    Sure enough! We only have five entries.

    One for the Larvesta tier by Articuno_rocks (and surprisingly, it's the longest one).

    Four for the Volcarona tier, with C.Gholy, Missingno.Master, Gelatino95, and Psychic.

    I personally have not gotten to the last, but the ones I've read have been fun! I should have the results up really soon. Like, this weekend soon.
     
  2. Ysavvryl

    Ysavvryl Pokedex Researcher

    Okay, it's time! First of all, I want to thank Slipomatic for being the second judge. We had quite different opinions on the stories so it was a bit of a surprise which one would end up winning, but I like that it happened that way. And I want to thank our entrants for writing such fun stories. Congratulations are due to all of you; I had a great time reading over them.

    And now...

    Drum Roll, please...


    THE RESULTS!


    Larvesta tier


    Articuno_rocks- Rules of the Game

    Slipomatic: 41/50

    Entertainment – 15/20
    I like the idea of bleeping out certain words as it can lead to much amusement, especially if done correctly. Although I’m not a big fan of canon characters being used, it is pretty well overall, although there is some slight detachment from the story as I can not relate to it aside from game core mechanics.

    Correlation – 8/10
    It is so close to how the game would actually run if it had to be done vocally. Although I hate competitive battling, it’s so annoying with the tier system and it’s just a case of who can squeeze the most out of good pokemon while other pokemon rot because of their terrible statistics.

    Probability – 5/5
    Technically I should give a 0 as this is virtually impossible to do since it is using anime characters and thrusting it in a fake region. But as far as game mechanics are concerned, this is very true.

    Grammar – 13/15
    There were a few, small errors that could be easily read with proofreading. There were also a few sentences where it could have been combined into one, continuous sentence.


    Ysavvryl: 42/50

    Review: Cheren's just worried that Alder would kick his butt in a Pokemon battle...

    Haha, I love the concept, what with the bleeps and all. Introducing anime characters to in-game battling is a fun idea. The explanations of game things such as held items, Revive, and not knowing what your opponent does is nicely done.

    The biggest trouble that this story has is inconsistency. It seems like you couldn't decide if Cheren had a Haxorus or a Serperior. This is most troublesome when Scizor has Leech Seed on it and it goes back to the Haxorus (and Leech Seed was never used in the first place). Also, the censor is inconsistent too. Skarm's explanation of why the censor is in place should have bleeped out 'Jolteon', unless she was shown to turn it off briefly to do so.

    The battle doesn't move fast, but since it is a training battle where things are being explained, that's excusable. Your descriptions are bunched up at the beginning, but I can see some scattered through the rest of the story. You might want to work on increasing description use and putting it into more places. One nice example was when Pikachu got knocked out. There was description of what happened, plus environmental effects like the dust cloud and Scizor being caught by vines, all alongside the action and dialog. That area's great.

    There's also an awful lot of dialogue going on during the battle. It's okay until Bullet Punch takes five paragraphs to connect.

    Also, I'm divided over the issue of the ending. With the mention of The Power N.U., this story seems like the beginning of a longer story. Mentioning all those names is a great hook into following such a story, because readers will anticipate meeting those people. But if this is meant to be a stand-alone story, it would be better if those names weren't there. It would lead into a feeling of completion. You could still mention the group, just not specific names. Also it would help if Bliss and Skarm said goodbye, or at least a 'see you later and good luck', as that would signal an ending of a story (or scene) as well.

    There's some immersion here, such as people looking to others while talking and Ash adjusting his hat at least once. But it could use some more. Consider how it would feel, to every sense, to be in that place and that situation. And add those little feelings and senses throughout writing, to make the reader feel like they're fully there. I liked the description of the concrete walls of the arena, oddly enough, because they contrasted nicely with the emotion of that one moment.

    You seem to have a 'said' avoidance issue. 'said' is a word that can safely be used a lot in dialogue tags, as most readers won't notice. Reserve synonyms like 'commanded', 'growled', 'declared', and others for occasional emphasis. 'asked' is okay if that's what the character is doing.

    Overall, I like it and it was a good topic to tackle. It just needs some more editing and better consistency in order to work out.

    Entertainment: 14 – I enjoyed the story, but it would be so much better if the inconsistencies and errors were fixed up.
    Correlation: 10
    Probability: 5
    Grammar: 13 – the style is stiff in places and the inconsistencies need to be fixed, actual grammar is okay.

    Total: 83/100

    Now if only we had another Larvesta entry... still, nice job!


    Volcarona tier

    Fourth Place
    C.Gholy- Aquatic Freedom

    Slipomatic: 40/50

    Entertainment – 15/20
    Overall, the story is entertaining and told very well. It isn’t too exaggerated, but more like providing a background story to a character.

    Correlation – 8/10
    For the most part, the story correlates well with the story, but with the explanation, it only took one dive ball to catch Hollow in the story instead of two like it was explained in the explanation behind the story.

    Probability – 5/5
    It is possible to encounter a shiny clampearl in emerald when using dive to reach underwater routes in 124 and 126

    Grammar – 10/15
    There are definitely various places where grammar needed to be spot on as I had trouble figuring out what was supposed to have been there instead of the error. There were also a few places where word choicing could have been better, but since those errors are in dialogue, I can’t really harp on it if it was what the writer had intended.


    Ysavvryl: 35/50

    Review: Mermaids! And you were mean. *being silly

    Nice little story; very sad. It's nice to see the capture of a shiny from the other side. I love the use of simpler words and phrases to mimic a non-human mind, as well as consideration of how the world might be to an underwater Pokemon. The lack of capitols for the names of Pokemon was good too, although you missed one and there's inconsistency on how 'father' is capitalized.

    This could have used a second look for editing. Some questions don't have question marks. There's also inconsistency. Hollow says that he's never seen a human, but shortly after talks about divers staring at him. Also, I can see a lot of missing words, like here: 'Maybe this is why my parents were overprotective and eager for my time to evolve.' I italicized the words that I added mentally when reading.

    Dude, I want to meet mermaids in a Pokemon game...

    Entertainment: 14 – It has good potential, but the rough writing makes it tough to read.
    Correlation: 10
    Probability: 5 – As you said, Crystalline shouldn't be a Huntail, but I'll accept the acknowledgment for the full five points.
    Grammar: 6 – Really needs editing work done. It's readable, but difficult.

    Total: 75/100



    Third Place

    Missingno.Master - June 7th, 2009. A date I will never forget.

    Slipomatic: 38/50

    Entertainment – 12/20
    The story, while good and everything, didn’t really have that spark, or soul, it felt more like an essay, in a sense. Still, there are some moments where it did have a rise of emotion where one can connect with the story in some way.

    Correlation – 9/10
    Everything correlates fine, but as with all approaches to pokeball formulas, I take a slight skeptical approach to sites that have formulas.

    Probability – 5/5
    It is indeed possible to encounter tropius in platinum in the great marsh.

    Grammar – 12/15
    There are various areas where sentences could have been easily merged to make one sentence. Also, it isn’t a good error to start a new paragraph after an ellipse (unless it’s in a dialogue,) as it sort of breaks from the writing. It is easily better off to simply leave it in the one sentence “It shook once… twice... three times... and shattered.” This is how it should have been, without the extra set of ellipsis.


    Ysavvryl: 49/50

    Review: Maybe it was even worth all those previous days of 500 Poke spent?

    That's pretty cool, especially the fact that this isn't exaggerated much at all. It sounds very much like how a person would tell the story in person (if not interrupted). And good job with explaining the real part of the story, even linking to another page for proof.

    It's on the plain side, but I still like it due to the conversational and informal tone. I like the occasional comments towards the audience, like the bit about the Battle Frontier You might look into using dialect in the narration to make it even more personal and folk-tale like, as another option. Otherwise, great work; I don't see much to complain about.

    Entertainment: 20 – This story needs to be read aloud by a good storyteller. That would be cool.
    Correlation: 10
    Probability: 5
    Grammar: 14 – The style gets a pass on incomplete sentences, but there's some small bits that could be fixed up.

    Total: 87/100


    Second Place
    Gerlatino95- Primordial Terror

    Slipomatic: 42/50

    Entertainment – 16/20
    Overall, it’s very in depth and very emotional. But certain things should have been left unvoiced, like 9/11 references and twin towers. It is very out of context in the world of pokemon especially since it’s written based on game mechanics. In the game, there is no such thing as the twin towers or 9/11 events.

    Correlation – 8/10
    It is quite possible to create a setup where one can sweep a gym battle, of course fury cutter usage has to have relied a bit on luck as the damage output that increases with each use varies with the damage range. But it is true that Volkner’s team can be easily wiped out with a physical sweeper. Most of his pokemon have poor physical defense with perhaps electivire having the highest potential for defense.

    Probability – 5/5
    Yeah it is possible, but I would say there was some luck involved, a lot. I would give half if the explanation was geared to only the gym battle and nothing else that was added.

    Grammar – 13/15
    There are some sentences where it could have been written in one, combined sentence. There is also the issue of using “-” as it is mostly used to make sure the reader doesn’t misread two words in the wrong context. It should never be used as a comma replacement.


    Ysavvryl: 48/50

    Review: Rowan must own the, what was it? The Green Lantern's ring. Because he crossed the continent in less than a minute.

    Eek, that was awesome! Also why you shouldn't let ten-year-olds have control over massively powerful beasts. That was exactly the kind of craziness I was looking for, what with Rowan coming up with a huge gun and Armaldo causing buildings to explode. You even gave good reasonings behind why things happen the way they do; maybe a little out-there, but there's a reason to events.

    There's a problem of overly avoiding 'said' here too; you used a lot of 'observed' in place of 'said'. Although I noticed the latter first, and it wasn't enough to distract from reading through it. Volkner also seems rather unaffected by all the going-ons, which was a bit distracting. Do uncontrolled Pokemon attacks happen enough that he's jaded to it? It could have been another funny thing to add 'Oh, now we gotta rebuild the city again'.

    There were lots of funny things throughout, like Rowan admitting that he doesn't know how safe his method is. But then there's touching things too, like how Lucas stops the Armaldo. And your fighting scenes are great.

    A thing to work on would be showing the emotions of characters beside the main better within the first person POV you're using. Not always an easy task, I admit. Volkner just seems so detached, aside from bits in the Gym battle, and Rowan has this mix of harsh and comical that's odd.

    Great work overall!

    Entertainment: 20 – There's some small problems, but the story is exciting enough that I hardly notice until I go looking for them.
    Correlation: 10
    Probability: 5
    Grammar: 13 – some run-ons and wordiness going on.

    Total: 90/100



    And the winner of the Tall Tales, Fish Stories, and Whoppers contest is...


    First Place
    Psychic- Untitled


    Slipomatic: 43.5/50

    Entertainment – 17.5/20
    It is very well thought out and I can easily imagine myself in the footsteps of the character telling the story. It brings out some very interesting qualities that would normally be a passing moment or of no interest from something so annoying at times.

    Correlation – 8/10
    I used to remember how annoying it was to have the phone numbers and almost constantly get bugged with useless info or rechallenges. Of course the few npcs that had somewhat of a personality definitely had some quirkiness in it. I never really tinkered with possibilities of different conversations if your protagonist was male or female.

    Probability – 5/5
    Phone calls are definitely viable. You being destroyed by an npc, near impossible, unless it’s a nuzlocke challenge.

    Grammar – 13/15
    Short, clipped, sentences are decent when trying to make a long pause, but it does wear off a bit and can sometimes lead to some careless grammar errors. It isn’t exactly wrong if you’re going for the effect, but sometimes, commas work just as well, and it doesn’t make my grammar nazi go off.


    Ysavvryl: 49/50

    Review: And Ian goes on to rule the world. Or something. Lol!

    That was an amazing story, about someone most players wouldn't think twice about. It all fits together really well. I can see the touches of one-sided romance that were there, but the way it turned out non-romantic was still satisfying.

    I spotted a few minor typos, but nothing big.

    Entertainment: 20 – Completely absorbing and touching.
    Correlation: 10
    Probability: 5
    Grammar: 14 – Any problems I saw seemed to be typo issues or something that could be caught in another round of editing.

    Total: 92.5/100



    Big congratulations go out to Psychic as our winner, who entered last minute despite cake-related delays. We will being out a confetti cannon and fire it off just for you! I hope to see all of these stories posted in the main fanfiction area sometime soon!
     
  3. Missingno. Master

    Missingno. Master Poison-type Trainer

    Well, congrats, Psychic! You too, Gelatino, for beating me. Congrats to Articuno_Rocks, too- even though you won the Larvesta tier by default, if your previous writing is any indication, your story is probably amazing. I can't wait to read the rest of these. I'm gonna post mine right now, actually.
     
  4. Slipomatic

    Slipomatic Eon Collector

    Sorry if I looked a bit harsh, but I'm such a nazi at perfectionism. It's a very bad habit of mine and I did try to curb it. Grats to all the winners though. All the stories were great to read. Only reason why i don't give close to perfect scores is that even if it was amazing and mindblowing, there is always room to grow. ;) No offense to anyone though, it's how I roll.

    Congrats to Psychic on winning the volcarano tier and Aritcuno_rocks for larvesta tier. I was actually hoping for more larvesta entries. Anyways, it's been fun helping out with judging and thank ysavvryl for letting me help out.
     
  5. Psychic

    Psychic Really and truly

    Thanks a lot, everyone! You must definitely be commended on your speed in delivering the results (as much as it counts coming from me!) and your reviews were very interesting to read. And congratulations to all entrants - I'm definitely looking forward to reading everyone's fics!

    This idea had been on my mind for some time, so I'm really glad for the opportunity to finally write it out and get some opinions on it.


    That's actually interesting, since you as the reader should technically be the "player" character that Ian is obsessing over, hehe. I didn't expect people would be able to empathize with NPCs, but I'm glad I could accomplish that.

    Like I said, my inspiration came entirely from getting a call from Ian, and I realized that few fics really seem to take advantage of the fact that you have a phone! That said, the conversations are meant to be gender-neutral, and in my mind, even if the player character is male, it's entirely plausible for Ian to be homosexual (or homosocial). As I mentioned, initially I liked the idea of this being a romance, and I thought it would be neat for the reader to see the player character as being of either gender so as to be more inclusive.

    Yep, I almost considered Ian beating the player at one point, but I realized that no way would that ever really happen, especially since Ian only has two Pokemon. Poor kid!

    Good point, I actually didn't even realize I was writing it that way. I'll definitely see about joining a few sentences, thank you. I am also totally okay with your inner grammar nazi popping up, for future reference!


    Either he's going to run a local criminal organization or single-handedly discover a new region/Pokemon/universe. WHO KNOWS.

    Thank you! I think the romance started off fairly strong (as it was intentional when I started), but it fizzled out as he started focusing on other things, like his Pokemon (which are indeed the ones he has in-game). I'm glad it still worked without a romantic ending - I was worried because I kind of realized nothing would ever really happen between an NPC and the player, but it would be neat if he still had enough agency to still do as his pleased, and not rely on his relationship with the player.

    Aw, if you had spotted any typos I would have been happy to hear em! Like I said, I have nothing against grammar nazis. :x


    Thanks again to the judges, and congratulations to everyone! Have a cake!

    ~Psychic
     
  6. Shadow Jirachi

    Shadow Jirachi Well-Known Member

    Well done to everyone!
    I never got around to entering this, but my idea wasn't very good anyway, just based off a really weird game experience I had while playing Ranger: Guardian Signs.
    Once again, congrats Psychic and Articuno_rocks!
     
  7. ChloboShoka

    ChloboShoka Writer

    Great job everyone. Well done to everyone who entered. This was a fun contest. :)

    The cake looks amazing.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2012
  8. Ysavvryl

    Ysavvryl Pokedex Researcher

    @Psychic: I am the least grammer-nazi type person around, I think, but I can mark the typos in a PM if you like.

    @Shadow_Jirachi: It could have been good; you never know until you get down and write it.
     
  9. Slipomatic

    Slipomatic Eon Collector

    @Ysavvryl, I believe Psychic meant me when mentioning about the grammar nazi, just to clarify that part.
     
  10. Gelatino95

    Gelatino95 Not a tool

    Nice, second place

    I wasn't expecting that

    I guess I'll go post mine now
     
  11. Crystal

    Crystal The Pokemon Observer

    Congratulations to Psychic for the Volcarona tier!
    (Pardon me for not congratulating for Larvesta tier, but there is only one entry, so very obviously Articuno_rocks will definitely win)

    Through I didn't enter this One-shot contest, but to Ysavvryl, I really hope the contest for next year will be base on a better theme. Last year's contest was based on Pokemon's viewpoint, where it seems it is a better starting point for our writers; the last contest had more than enough entries for good competition. (and on the contrast, if we compare last year's contest with this one, it is just... don't need to say more)
     
  12. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Congratulations to the winners, and the judges for being way quicker than us Perspective lot. :p I'm in a sudden burst of fanfiction-reading mood, so I'm planning on reviewing all the entries when they're posted, too (unless somebody asks me not to).

    This isn't "the contest for this year"; it's a contest, but where did you ever get the idea this was the only contest there would be in the entire year of 2012? (Remember, the only reason the Perspective contest took a whole year to begin with was that that was how long the judging ended up taking.) And while Ysavvryl hosted this contest, this does not make subsequent contests her responsibility unless she happens to volunteer to host another one in the future, so addressing concerns about the next contest to her is a bit presumptuous.

    In fact, I and others have been planning the next contest since before this one started, and I expect it to be up fairly soon now that this contest is over. I'm in the process of drafting an introductory post (although I'll probably run it past people on my LJ before posting it).
     
  13. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    Congrats to all the winners! I hope to read all entries once they're posted as well.
     
  14. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Congratulations for a job well done by everyone! Shame I couldn't enter this because of stuff, but I will be excited to read (and maybe review) these one-shots!
     
  15. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    Well, it took me a long time to respond, but I've got to say that I'm pretty disappointed that I was the only one to enter the Larvesta Tier. I mean, I'm glad I won, but I didn't have any competitors. That, of course, makes winning... not winning. Oh well. I hope during the next contest there will be more entrants. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this contest a lot. The one-shot I wrote was sometimes very hard to write, because I had to search up competitive strategies and the like. But at least I was writing about Cheren, my favorite character. That definitely made writing for this contest a lot funner.

    Congratulations to Psychic for winning the Volcarona tier, and good job to everyone who entered. I haven't been able to post my fanfic lately because of finals, but since finals are over, I'm going to post my one-shot once I've finished correcting all my mistakes.

    Haha, thanks. I actually got the idea of bleeping out stuff from Missingno. Master, whose fanfic includes a lot of amusing bleeping. I'm not sure what you mean by "detachment" though - do you think you can clear that up for me a bit?

    Thank you. Actually, this one-shot is based off another fanfic I wrote last year, in which all the battles are in-game battles. I thought the concept would be interesting to play around with. I used to hate competitive battling too, but now I can tolerate it fairly well. It's just that I prefer casual to competitive.

    Got it, thanks for the tip.

    Thank you. As I said before, this one-shot is based on a fanfic I wrote last year, which, according to my reviewers, was a pretty good concept.

    *facepalm* That's what happens when you try to finish things last minute...

    Cheren was originally going to have a Serperior, but at the last minute I decided that Haxorus would be more fitting because of its greater competitive prowess. I attempted to change everything to Haxorus, but apparently I missed many spots. >_< Thanks for pointing that out. I'm going to make sure Cheren has a Haxorus and only a Haxorus in the version I post in the fanfic section. About the censor, the censor can detect when a Pokemon's name is being mentioned because it is being sent out. The censor only bleeps out a Pokemon's name when it is getting sent out. But then again, I should have explained that in the story.

    Thanks for the praise and the tips. Yeah, I should have sped up the battle a bit more.

    Actually, The Power N.U. is the fanfic I mentioned before - the one I wrote last year that inspired me to write this one-shot. It took place in the Ubulou Region before the introduction of casual battling and starred the people Skarm and Bliss mentioned. Unfortunately, I decided to discontinue it because I wasn't up to writing a long, long journey fic. This one-shot, which takes place in the new Ubulou Region, gives the readers of The Power N.U. a sense of what happened to the region after the events of the story, because I never managed to finish the fanfic. But you're right about having a sense of completion - I should have had Skarm and Bliss say goodbye, at the very least.

    Thanks for the tips. Now I'm going to edit my entry and post it in the Fanfic section...
     

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