Tanner's Pokemon Journey

[Patchiiru]

Yay! My first Fan-Fic on SPPf. (And the one I hope to complete. I only created one on another site...and I lost the address.)

My Pokemon Journey
Chapter 1
Late
Tanner, a 14 year old boy, woke up on a sunny Monday morning with a start. He had brown hair, and swampy green eyes. He got out of bed, and opened his closet, searching for his red T-shirt he almost always wore. He put it on his bed, and ran to the drawers of his dresser. He opened it and flinged out everything in it. He pulled out blue jeans, and put them on the bed. He ran down stairs, and into the kitchen. In the corner of the kitchen was his bright red book bag. It contained his notebook he sketched and took notes on, a pencil, and a book about everything you need to know about Pokemon. He picked it up, and ran up stairs. He got in the room, put on his shirt, and pants, and slid into his shoes. He ran downstairs again, and politely said goodbye to his mom. “Bye Mom, you can contact me anytime, just send Swellow!” Tanner ran into the kitchen, where Eevee waited for him to say goodbye. “Bye Eevee!”
After that he went out into the backyard, and said goodbye to the rest of his Pokemon. “Bye Plusle, bye Minun, bye Swellow!” They all waved goodbye, and Swellow waved its wing in the air, and Tanner set off to the lab. He had been late to the lab. He had promised Professor Fuji that he would be there by 10:00 a.m. to get his first Pokemon. When he got there, Professor Fuji greeted him nicely. Maybe he did get there in time. “You’re a bit late,” He said with a smile, “but, I still have something for you.”
He handed Tanner 6 Pokeballs. “I get 6???” I ask Professor Fuji. “Yes, of course!” Tanner threw the Pokeballs, but nothing happened. “They’re empty…” Tanner said gloomily. “Exactly!” said Professor Fuji. “You get to catch your own Pokemon!” he said with a big smile. “I kind of…didn’t have any left.” He said with an embarrassing look on his face. “I used them to battle, and they ran away.” He said pointing out of a window. “But…” he said handing Tanner a PokeDex, “That, means that you get to catch your own.” he said smiling more. “If you got one of mine, they wouldn’t be used to you.”
“If you catch one, it will know you better.”
“Well, I guess you better go get to catching.”
“I’ll call you on your PokeDex.”
Tanner looked confused. “You can’t call someone on your Pokedex…” Tanner thought. Then, his phone started to vibrate and play a little song.
Dodo………………………dodo…………………….dodo..dodo..dodo!!!!
Tanner pushed a blinking red button, and listened to what the Pokedex said. “Hey, it’s me Tanner!” Tanner glanced at Professor Fuji. He was smiling at himself for being right. “Well, I have to go!” said Tanner back into the PokeDex, and pushed the button once again. He walked out, and into the woods of Route 1.
Chapter 2
Seedot, Mightyena, Team Magma, Oh My!

After leaving Littleroot Town, Tanner walked into Route 1, feeling confident. He knew he could catch a Pokemon without battling, he had done it before.
He had helped Minun and Plusle escape from a bullying Dustox.
He had saved a Swellow from a menacing Voltorb.
He had saved Eevee from a terrible man, who didn’t treat it right.
He had done many helpful things in his life, and knew he could catch a Pokemon without help from another. He walked along the dirt path, and soon got tired. He sat down under a tree, and seemed to fall asleep. He was at least dazed, looking out at the sun. Just as he was starting to get comfortable, something fell on his head.
“Ow!” Tanner exclaimed, rubbing his head.
In front of him, lying on the ground was a giant nut-like ball.
It jumped up, and started running.
“Hey, it’s a Pokemon!” Tanner said, whipping out his PokeDex. He pointed it towards the running nut, and it responded:
“Seedot, the acorn Pokemon. Yet small in size, this Pokemon is very powerful, and defensive. Seedot’s last evolution is a favorite of all trainers.”
“A Seedot, huh?” said Tanner while running.
Tanner ran faster and faster, and caught up with the Seedot. He scooped it up, and stopped. Seedot wriggled, trying to get away, but couldn’t. It stopped moving, and stared behind Tanner.
“You don’t have to run from me.” Said Tanner soothingly.
The Seedot still stared behind Tanner.
“What’s wrong?” Tanner asked.
Tanner looked behind him, and there were 2 Mightyena.
Tanner took out his PokeDex, while the Mightyena growled.
“Mightyena, the Bite Pokemon. Mightyena is the first evolution of Poochyena. Mightyena is very fast, but is stronger than it is fast.”
Tanner took off his book bag, and pulled out his Pokemon Info book. He flipped to page one hundred fifty, and read Seedot’s attacks.
“Seedot, use Bide!”
Seedot looked confused, seeing that Tanner wasn’t its owner. But it didn’t want the Mightyena to eat it, so it did as it was told.
Seedot glowed red, and then dark red. It let out a giant ray of energy.
The Mightyenas merely shook themselves, and got ready to use Bite.
Tanner looked around wildly, trying to find a place to hide, but there was nowhere.
The Mightyenas leaped towards Tanner and Seedot, their teeth bared.
At the last second, there was a blinding dark light. When it got clear again, Tanner saw the Mightyena fainted, and a boy a little older than him. Next to the boy was a floating black puppet-like Pokemon.
Tanner took out his PokeDex, and it said:
“Banette, the Marionette Pokemon. This Pokemon is said to have mystical powers of the darkness, and is very strong with its SP. Attack.”
“Look like Night Shade fainted them with one hit, huh Banette?” the boy said to the Banette. It nodded back, and the boy looked at Tanner.
“What were you doing, fighting these Mightyena?” he asked Tanner.
“Well, I found this Seedot, and I was running away from the Mightyena, so we got here, and used Bide.”
“Well, you don’t expect a new trainer like you to defeat two Mightyena.”
Just then, a man in a redish-orangish outfit jumped in front of them.
“You!” the man said to the boy.
“You fainted my Mightyena!”
“Well, they were attacking this poor kid and his Seedot.”
“Nah duh!” the man said.
“I’m Team Magma Grunt Wensel!”

Chapter 3
The Great Battle and Start of a Friendship

The boys Bannete got into a battling position.
“You want a battle? Then you’ll get one.” said the boy triumphantly. Wensel roared loudly, and threw one Pokeball. Out came a Slug-like creature, very low to the ground, and was dripping. Tanner took out his PokeDex, but before he could read anything, the trainer said, “It’s a Slugma, Lava Pokemon, Fire Type. On, and my name’s Hayden.”
“Alright Bannete, Faint Attack and Shadow Ball.” Bannete’s eyes glowed a pale yellow, then it was pitch black. All anyone could see was a pair of pale yellow eyes, a purplish ball, and Slugma’s orange rays. When the light cleared, Slugma looked badly damaged, as it start to squawk. Bannete gave a smile, and spun around in the air. “No, Slugma!!!” said Wensel in his deep voice.
“No!” exclaimed Wensel as he took out a walkie-talkie-like device.
“Magma Wensel retreating!” he said into it. “Ehehehe, your not getting away that easily!” said Hayden. Bannete pointed its tiny finger out, and a shield blocked Wensel on all sides. Then, one came from underneath, and Wensel started to float in the well shielded attack. “That’s Protect, incase your wondering.” said Hayden. Tanner took out his notebook, and wrote: Protect: Used as shielded jail, as well as shield to protect self with. Tanner always wrote down anything he learned about Pokemon, or attacks.

After about ten minutes of walking, Hayden asked Tanner, “Want to journey with me to Lilycove?”
“Why?” asked Tanner.
“I need to get there for a contest.”
“Murkrow can’t fly me there, and I don’t want to go alone so…
“Ok!” Tanner exclaimed. He couldn’t wait to travel with a very strong trainer. Then again, he wanted too train too.
“So, we’re friends?” asked Tanner.
“Friends.” He replied back with a smile.

Chapter 4
Get Your Head Out of the Sky, Tanner!
As they began to walk forward, they heard the noises of calling Tailow, splashing Lotad, and the squirming of Wurmple.
“It’s quiet, besides the Pokemon’s noises. Maybe we’ll make it out without being attack.”
But Hayden was wrong…very wrong indeed. Tanner and Hayden were walking side-by-side, looking around for any sign of vicious Pokemon.

“Ahhhh…a trainer.” said Swellow. “I’ll be right back.” said the Swellow to its baby Tailows. [This Swellow is not Tanner’s Swellow.) As Swellow soared through the sky, it spotted the trainer, another trainer, and a floating puppet.
“I bet I can handle em’ all.” said the Swellow to its self. Swellow swooped down quietly, and hooked its claw onto Tanner’s book bag strap. Tanner, not knowing what had happened, was talking to Hayden, both laughing.
“Hehehe.” laughed the Swellow to itself. It started to fly upward a little, making Tanner’s book bag move up slightly. Tanner still hadn’t known what was happening, and continued to talk. Then, the Swellow swooped high into the air, bringing Tanner with it.
“Ah!” screamed Tanner high up in the air. Hayden looked up to see Tanner dangling from the book bag.
Tanner’s right arm slipped out of the strap. Then his left, but- he held on to the Swellow’s leg. Hayden commanded Bannete to attack, but Swellow was too far away.

In Tanner’s view, it looked beautiful. There were more Swellow, Altaria, and much, much more. But far away, Tanner could see a green flying dragon. He remembered the page in his book: “Flygon.”
“Oh!” Tanner said staring at the Flygon, but almost letting go too. The Flygon flew far away leaving a sandy streak in the sky. Ahead, Tanner saw a Dustox. It looked at him, and smiled. It opened its mouth, and out came a purple pin. It hit Tanner in the leg, and Tanner slipped off.
“Ahhhh!” Tanner exclaimed, falling far. The Swellow swooped down, and grabbed Tanner’s arm. Tanner looked up at it, and smiled. It smiled back. Swellow swooped down very low, and let Tanner go.
“What was that for?” Tanner asked Swellow.
It shook its head, smile, and flew away.
“That was odd…”
“Hey, where were you!”
Tanner looked behind him to see Hayden running towards him. (Bannete floating behind.)
“I don’t know. A Swellow just took me into the air. But was it awesome! I saw an Altaria, and some other Swellows! I also saw a Flygon!”
Hayden raised his eyes.
“What did it do?” Hayden asked.
“Well, it looked at me, and then flew away leaving a sand streak behind.
“Hmmm. So I guess you had a small, interesting adventure?”
“Yeah…Hey, where’s Seedot???” Tanner asked worriedly.
Then, there was a noise of panting, and Seedot came up behind Hayden, running as fast its little legs could carry it.
“Whoops. Sorry Seedot.” Hayden said, apologizing. It gave Hayden a wink, and jumped onto Tanner’s head.
“Well, my journey’s been exciting so far.”
Then, Tanner had an unusual pain in his leg. He looked down to see the pin in his leg. “Oh yeah. A Dustox hit me with Poison Sting.”
“WHAT???” Hayden asked loudly. He bent down, and looked at Tanner’s leg. It was already slightly bleeding.
“We have to get you to the Pokemon Center!”
Well, it doesn’t hurt.”
After Tanner said his last word, Tanner fell down, clutching his leg. Seedot jumped off his head.
“Ok, maybe I do need to go!”
“But, I can’t walk…”
“Bannete, you know what to do.” Hayden said, staring at Bannete. Bannete gave a small eerie sigh, and Tanner started to float. They then set off for Rustboro, Seedot following behind.

 

[Jupetta]

Nice Tansyoco... I like it.
~;354;

 

[Patchiiru]

Thanks! Finally, a good comment!

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

My Pokemon Journey
Chapter 1
Late

Tanner, a fourteenyear old boy, woke up on a sunny Monday morning with a start. He had brown hair, and swampy green eyes. He got out of bed, and opened his closet, searching for his red T-shirt he almost always wore. He put it on his bed, and ran to the drawers of his dresser. He opened it and flung out everything in it. He pulled out blue jeans, and put them on the bed. He ran down stairs, and into the kitchen.

In the corner of the kitchen was his bright red book bag. It contained the notebook he sketched and took notes on, a pencil, and a book about everything you need to know about Pokemon. He picked it up, and ran up stairs. He got in the room, put on his shirt, and pants, and slid into his shoes.

He ran downstairs again, and politely said goodbye to his mom.

“Bye Mom, you can contact me anytime, just send Swellow!”

Tanner ran into the kitchen, where Eevee waited for him to say goodbye.

“Bye Eevee!”

After that he went out into the backyard, and said goodbye to the rest of his Pokemon.

“Bye Plusle, bye Minun, bye Swellow!”

They all waved goodbye, and Swellow waved its wing in the air, and Tanner set off to the lab.

He had been late to the lab. He had promised Professor Fuji that he would be there by ten in the morning to get his first Pokemon. When he got there, Professor Fuji greeted him nicely. Maybe he did get there in time.

“You’re a bit late,” Professor Fujisaid with a smile, “but I still have something for you.”

He handed Tanner six Pokeballs.

“I get six?” He asked Professor Fuji.

“Yes, of course!”

Tanner threw the Pokeballs, but nothing happened.

“They’re empty…” Tanner said gloomily.

“Exactly!” said Professor Fuji. “You get to catch your own Pokemon!” he said with a big smile. “I kind of…didn’t have any left.” He said with an embarrassed look on his face. “I used them to battle, and they ran away.” He said pointing out of a window. “But…” he said handing Tanner a PokeDex, “That, means that you get to catch your own.” he said smiling more. “If you got one of mine, they wouldn’t be used to you. If you catch one, it will know you better.”

“Well, I guess you better go get to catching.”

“I’ll call you on your PokeDex.”

Tanner looked confused. “You can’t call someone on your Pokedex…” Tanner thought.

Then, his phone started to vibrate and play a little song.

Dodo………………………dodo…………………….dodo..dodo..dodo!!!!

Tanner pushed a blinking red button, and listened to what the Pokedex said.

“Hey, it’s me, Tanner!”

Tanner glanced at Professor Fuji, who was smiling at himself for being right.

“Well, I have to go!” said Tanner back into the PokeDex, and pushed the button once again. He walked out, and into the woods of Route 1.

And THAT is a very roughly editted version of your story. Please space it out like this (double spacing speech and new paragraphs) in future - it makes it a lot easier to read. Punctuation and grammar is also important - these rules for writing tell the reader how to interpret each sentence and make meaning from it - if you ignore these rules, your readers may make an entirely different meaning from what you've written than you intended them to make.. which leads to confusion and a loss of impact in your story.

Also on the topic of technical issues, I'd avoid the format you used in this paragraph:

“Exactly!” said Professor Fuji. “You get to catch your own Pokemon!” he said with a big smile. “I kind of…didn’t have any left.” He said with an embarrassing look on his face. “I used them to battle, and they ran away.” He said pointing out of a window. “But…” he said handing Tanner a PokeDex, “That, means that you get to catch your own.” he said smiling more. “If you got one of mine, they wouldn’t be used to you. If you catch one, it will know you better.”

IMO, the flow would be improved if you simply strung sections like this into one big chunk of speech - or at least didn't use 'said' after each spoken sentence. What you've got at the moment seems just a bit too choppy and slightly repetitive at the moment - though I like the way you've described the WAY Professor Fuji spoke and his actions while he did so. ^^ Doing that really helped to portray the scene and Fuji's character more clearly. Very slick work there!

And I like your sense of humour ... there's a lot of stories out there where new trainers are randomly given more the one starter pokemon - which I thought was what was going to happen here. But then you just turned around and completely knocked that assumption to pieces - in a very funny way! Heh, I think this is one of the few times I've seen a trainer arrive late to get their starter (which happens a lot) and get almost NOTHING. Amusing plot twist.

Just a few questions - why didn't Tanner use Plusle, Minun or Swellow as his starter? You said they were his pokemon - doesn't that make them his starter pokemon (assuming that 'Starter' is taken to mean 'trainer's first pokemon')? And Fuji's pokemon escaped?? He's a pokemon professor and presumably skilled/experienced at dealing with pokemon - surely he'd be able to control/handle his own pokemon competently?

Oh, another thing I liked - Fuji's reason why Tanner would have to catch his own pokemon. Believable and simple. ^^

That's pretty much it. You've got an entertaining start here - put it to good use! Don't ignore the conventions of writing - they're there to help readers understand what you're writing. PM if there's anything else you want commented on/critiqued or if there's anything in this review you want expanded on/explained. ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Patchiiru]

Thanks for the nice comment, and thanks for helping! I never get nice comments for anything I do!

 

[Patchiiru]

Sorry for DP, but here's the next chapter!

Chapter 2
Seedot, Mightyena, Team Magma, Oh My!

After leaving Littleroot Town, Tanner walked into Route 1, feeling confident. He knew he could catch a Pokemon without battling, he had done it before.
He had helped Minun and Plusle escape from a bullying Dustox.
He had saved a Swellow from a menacing Voltorb.
He had saved Eevee from a terrible man, who didn’t treat it right.
He had done many helpful things in his life, and knew he could catch a Pokemon without help from another. He walked along the dirt path, and soon got tired. He sat down under a tree, and seemed to fall asleep. He was at least dazed, looking out at the sun. Just as he was starting to get comfortable, something fell on his head.
“Ow!” Tanner exclaimed, rubbing his head.
In front of him, lying on the ground was a giant nut-like ball.
It jumped up, and started running.
“Hey, it’s a Pokemon!” Tanner said, whipping out his PokeDex. He pointed it towards the running nut, and it responded:
“Seedot, the acorn Pokemon. Yet small in size, this Pokemon is very powerful, and defensive. Seedot’s last evolution is a favorite of all trainers.”
“A Seedot, huh?” said Tanner while running.
Tanner ran faster and faster, and caught up with the Seedot. He scooped it up, and stopped. Seedot wriggled, trying to get away, but couldn’t. It stopped moving, and stared behind Tanner.
“You don’t have to run from me.” Said Tanner soothingly.
The Seedot still stared behind Tanner.
“What’s wrong?” Tanner asked.
Tanner looked behind him, and there were 2 Mightyena.
Tanner took out his PokeDex, while the Mightyena growled.
“Mightyena, the Bite Pokemon. Mightyena is the first evolution of Poochyena. Mightyena is very fast, but is stronger than it is fast.”
Tanner took off his book bag, and pulled out his Pokemon Info book. He flipped to page one hundred fifty, and read Seedot’s attacks.
“Seedot, use Bide!”
Seedot looked confused, seeing that Tanner wasn’t its owner. But it didn’t want the Mightyena to eat it, so it did as it was told.
Seedot glowed red, and then dark red. It let out a giant ray of energy.
The Mightyenas merely shook themselves, and got ready to use Bite.
Tanner looked around wildly, trying to find a place to hide, but there was nowhere.
The Mightyenas leaped towards Tanner and Seedot, their teeth bared.
At the last second, there was a blinding dark light. When it got clear again, Tanner saw the Mightyena fainted, and a boy a little older than him. Next to the boy was a floating black puppet-like Pokemon.
Tanner took out his PokeDex, and it said:
“Banette, the Marionette Pokemon. This Pokemon is said to have mystical powers of the darkness, and is very strong with its SP. Attack.”
“Look like Night Shade fainted them with one hit, huh Banette?” the boy said to the Banette. It nodded back, and the boy looked at Tanner.
“What were you doing, fighting these Mightyena?” he asked Tanner.
“Well, I found this Seedot, and I was running away from the Mightyena, so we got here, and used Bide.”
“Well, you don’t expect a new trainer like you to defeat two Mightyena.”
Just then, a man in a redish-orangish outfit jumped in front of them.
“You!” the man said to the boy.
“You fainted my Mightyena!”
“Well, they were attacking this poor kid and his Seedot.”
“Nah duh!” the man said.
“I’m Team Magma Grunt Wensel!”

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Whoo! Another chapter!

Okay, first up, I liked the way you didn't have Tanner defeat the Mightyenas but need to get rescued instead - it's really refreshing to see that you're not overdoing your main character's 00berness. At the start it looked like you were going to make Tanner really amazing and special (what with how amazingly helpful and heroic he was being to save all those pokemon) but it turned out that Tanner was just a regular newbie. I'm so pleased.

“Well, you don’t expect a new trainer like you to defeat two Mightyena.”

Quite so. Yet so many people have their characters become 00berly special, despite being beginning trainers - you haven't and this is both realistic and refreshing. Very slick work here! Keep it up!

A Seedot is a very interesting choice of starter - especially considering its limited battling capabilities (due to its size, shape and type). I wasn't quite sure what you meant when you said that Tanner wasn't its owner. Is it since he hasn't actually caught it yet?

Cause of the awesomeness of the ideas you've got here, I'd say you're doing yourself a disservice by not presenting them properly. By not double spacing the speech and paragraphs from each other, you're making your story hard to read. And readers generally don't appreciate and might not bother with stories that are hard to read. Especially in the first few chapters, it's adviseable to create the best impression you can so that your readers stick around for future chapters. And part of the way you do this is through proper formatting.

Proper formatting also includes using proper words instead of numbers (actually typing out 'two Mightyena' instead of just putting '2 Mightyena'). Sure, it takes a bit longer, but for the sake of not distracting the reader from the content of your story and showing the reader that you can write in accordance with professional norms, it's probably worth it. Same goes for actually writing the word 'special' instead of 'SP'. ^^

Anyway, I hope this review is useful to you. If you want anything else commented on/critiqued or if you want anything in this review explained more fully, let me know! Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[MaskedManAbsolkid]

I like reading journey fics, but a lot of them are cliche. This one isn't though. Even though I dislike the idea of a trainer being late because I see it repeated a lot, you made it so he has to catch his own starter. Nice twist. I also dislike it when a trainer is made heroic by knocking out some vicious pokemon, but you made it so another trainer knocked it out. My only problem with this fic is that you need to change the speech so that you can tell who's speaking. I got confused a bit.

By the way, Pinecone tortoise, you can have professors be clumsy. Prof elm is made clumsy in fics, Prof Birch can't even do his job without being attacked by a wimpy Poochyena or zigzagoon (He'll probably be attacked by a wurmple next), and Prof Krane was considered clumsy by a few people.

 

[Patchiiru]

Whoo! Another chapter!

Okay, first up, I liked the way you didn't have Tanner defeat the Mightyenas but need to get rescued instead - it's really refreshing to see that you're not overdoing your main character's 00berness. At the start it looked like you were going to make Tanner really amazing and special (what with how amazingly helpful and heroic he was being to save all those pokemon) but it turned out that Tanner was just a regular newbie. I'm so pleased.



Quite so. Yet so many people have their characters become 00berly special, despite being beginning trainers - you haven't and this is both realistic and refreshing. Very slick work here! Keep it up!

A Seedot is a very interesting choice of starter - especially considering its limited battling capabilities (due to its size, shape and type). I wasn't quite sure what you meant when you said that Tanner wasn't its owner. Is it since he hasn't actually caught it yet?

Cause of the awesomeness of the ideas you've got here, I'd say you're doing yourself a disservice by not presenting them properly. By not double spacing the speech and paragraphs from each other, you're making your story hard to read. And readers generally don't appreciate and might not bother with stories that are hard to read. Especially in the first few chapters, it's adviseable to create the best impression you can so that your readers stick around for future chapters. And part of the way you do this is through proper formatting.

Proper formatting also includes using proper words instead of numbers (actually typing out 'two Mightyena' instead of just putting '2 Mightyena'). Sure, it takes a bit longer, but for the sake of not distracting the reader from the content of your story and showing the reader that you can write in accordance with professional norms, it's probably worth it. Same goes for actually writing the word 'special' instead of 'SP'. ^^

Anyway, I hope this review is useful to you. If you want anything else commented on/critiqued or if you want anything in this review explained more fully, let me know! Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

I said SP because Special Attack sounds like I'm using Solarbeam, or something. I'mm try to space it out, but could you make the corrections on each chapter, so I can change the story to make it better. Thanks for all your nice comments!
I HATE BEING 00BER!
There's really not point in the story, if you're 00ber.
00ber stories always end as the person a Pokemon Master. It's just boring. You know what's going to happen.
I battle a Groudon with a Caterpie!
Caterpie, String Shot!
Groudon fainted!
Grrr, I hate that!
Thanks Cypher Sdmin Absolkid, for your nice comments!
Pinecone Tortoise, please PM me the correct way to fight Chapter 1-2 please.

 

[Jupetta]

At the last second, there was a blinding dark light. When it got clear again, Tanner saw the Mightyena fainted, and a boy a little older than him. Next to the boy was a floating black puppet-like Pokemon.
Tanner took out his PokeDex, and it said:
“Banette, the Marionette Pokemon. This Pokemon is said to have mystical powers of the darkness, and is very strong with its SP. Attack.”
“Look like Night Shade fainted them with one hit, huh Banette?” the boy said to the Banette. It nodded back, and the boy looked at Tanner.
“What were you doing, fighting these Mightyena?” he asked Tanner.
“Well, I found this Seedot, and I was running away from the Mightyena, so we got here, and used Bide.”
“Well, you don’t expect a new trainer like you to defeat two Mightyena.”
Just then, a man in a redish-orangish outfit jumped in front of them.
“You!” the man said to the boy.
“You fainted my Mightyena!”
“Well, they were attacking this poor kid and his Seedot.”
“Nah duh!” the man said.
“I’m Team Magma Grunt Wensel!”

Nice chapter... this new guy sounds cool.
~;354;

 

[Patchiiru]

Lol. Next chapter coming up!
OOC: Jupetta, mind if I copy your style? I want to be Zanguusu, and have some Zangoose piccys... Like you have Jupetta, and Jupetta piccys. I might be Spinda, though... I'll go ahead and do it, and if you don't like it, I'll wait till the moth is over, and change it. ^_^

 

[Patchiiru]

OOC: Sorry for DP.
Here's the next chapter:
Chapter 3
The Great Battle and Start of a Friendship

The boys Bannete got into a battling position.
“You want a battle? Then you’ll get one.” said the boy triumphantly. Wensel roared loudly, and threw one Pokeball. Out came a Slug-like creature, very low to the ground, and was dripping. Tanner took out his PokeDex, but before he could read anything, the trainer said, “It’s a Slugma, Lava Pokemon, Fire Type. On, and my name’s Hayden.”
“Alright Bannete, Faint Attack and Shadow Ball.” Bannete’s eyes glowed a pale yellow, then it was pitch black. All anyone could see was a pair of pale yellow eyes, a purplish ball, and Slugma’s orange rays. When the light cleared, Slugma looked badly damaged, as it start to squawk. Bannete gave a smile, and spun around in the air. “No, Slugma!!!” said Wensel in his deep voice.
“No!” exclaimed Wensel as he took out a walkie-talkie-like device.
“Magma Wensel retreating!” he said into it. “Ehehehe, your not getting away that easily!” said Hayden. Bannete pointed its tiny finger out, and a shield blocked Wensel on all sides. Then, one came from underneath, and Wensel started to float in the well shielded attack. “That’s Protect, incase your wondering.” said Hayden. Tanner took out his notebook, and wrote: Protect: Used as shielded jail, as well as shield to protect self with. Tanner always wrote down anything he learned about Pokemon, or attacks.

After about ten minutes of walking, Hayden asked Tanner, “Want to journey with me to Lilycove?”
“Why?” asked Tanner.
“I need to get there for a contest.”
“Murkrow can’t fly me there, and I don’t want to go alone so…
“Ok!” Tanner exclaimed. He couldn’t wait to travel with a very strong trainer. Then again, he wanted too train too.
“So, we’re friends?” asked Tanner.
“Friends.” He replied back with a smile.

 

[Jupetta]

Nice new chapter... and a little Banette action.
~;354;

 

[Patchiiru]

Hehehe. Starting next chapter now. Later, there will be another character. He/She'll be in Slateport. Who wants to be the mystery character?

 

[Patchiiru]

Yep, the new chapter's here!!!

Chapter 4
Get Your Head Out of the Sky, Tanner!
As they began to walk forward, they heard the noises of calling Tailow, splashing Lotad, and the squirming of Wurmple.
“It’s quiet, besides the Pokemon’s noises. Maybe we’ll make it out without being attack.”
But Hayden was wrong…very wrong indeed. Tanner and Hayden were walking side-by-side, looking around for any sign of vicious Pokemon.

“Ahhhh…a trainer.” said Swellow. “I’ll be right back.” said the Swellow to its baby Tailows. [This Swellow is not Tanner’s Swellow.) As Swellow soared through the sky, it spotted the trainer, another trainer, and a floating puppet.
“I bet I can handle em’ all.” said the Swellow to its self. Swellow swooped down quietly, and hooked its claw onto Tanner’s book bag strap. Tanner, not knowing what had happened, was talking to Hayden, both laughing.
“Hehehe.” laughed the Swellow to itself. It started to fly upward a little, making Tanner’s book bag move up slightly. Tanner still hadn’t known what was happening, and continued to talk. Then, the Swellow swooped high into the air, bringing Tanner with it.
“Ah!” screamed Tanner high up in the air. Hayden looked up to see Tanner dangling from the book bag.
Tanner’s right arm slipped out of the strap. Then his left, but- he held on to the Swellow’s leg. Hayden commanded Bannete to attack, but Swellow was too far away.

In Tanner’s view, it looked beautiful. There were more Swellow, Altaria, and much, much more. But far away, Tanner could see a green flying dragon. He remembered the page in his book: “Flygon.”
“Oh!” Tanner said staring at the Flygon, but almost letting go too. The Flygon flew far away leaving a sandy streak in the sky. Ahead, Tanner saw a Dustox. It looked at him, and smiled. It opened its mouth, and out came a purple pin. It hit Tanner in the leg, and Tanner slipped off.
“Ahhhh!” Tanner exclaimed, falling far. The Swellow swooped down, and grabbed Tanner’s arm. Tanner looked up at it, and smiled. It smiled back. Swellow swooped down very low, and let Tanner go.
“What was that for?” Tanner asked Swellow.
It shook its head, smile, and flew away.
“That was odd…”
“Hey, where were you!”
Tanner looked behind him to see Hayden running towards him. (Bannete floating behind.)
“I don’t know. A Swellow just took me into the air. But was it awesome! I saw an Altaria, and some other Swellows! I also saw a Flygon!”
Hayden raised his eyes.
“What did it do?” Hayden asked.
“Well, it looked at me, and then flew away leaving a sand streak behind.
“Hmmm. So I guess you had a small, interesting adventure?”
“Yeah…Hey, where’s Seedot???” Tanner asked worriedly.
Then, there was a noise of panting, and Seedot came up behind Hayden, running as fast its little legs could carry it.
“Whoops. Sorry Seedot.” Hayden said, apologizing. It gave Hayden a wink, and jumped onto Tanner’s head.
“Well, my journey’s been exciting so far.”
Then, Tanner had an unusual pain in his leg. He looked down to see the pin in his leg. “Oh yeah. A Dustox hit me with Poison Sting.”
“WHAT???” Hayden asked loudly. He bent down, and looked at Tanner’s leg. It was already slightly bleeding.
“We have to get you to the Pokemon Center!”
Well, it doesn’t hurt.”
After Tanner said his last word, Tanner fell down, clutching his leg. Seedot jumped off his head.
“Ok, maybe I do need to go!”
“But, I can’t walk…”
“Bannete, you know what to do.” Hayden said, staring at Bannete. Bannete gave a small eerie sigh, and Tanner started to float. They then set off for Rustboro, Seedot following behind.

 

[Jupetta]

Really nice... a little too fast pace though.
~;354;

 

[Patchiiru]

Lol. I wonder when PT is going to comment...

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Eek! Skipped a chapter! AND took so long to reply. @_@ Very sorry! Ah well, hope this really long review makes up for it!

The boy's Banette got into a battling position.

“You want a battle? Then you’ll get one,” said the boy triumphantly.

Wensel roared loudly and threw one Pokeball. Out came a Slug-like creature, very low to the ground, and was dripping. Tanner took out his PokeDex, but before he could read anything, the trainer said,

“It’s a Slugma, Lava Pokemon, Fire Type. On, and my name’s Hayden.”

“Alright Banette, Faint Attack and Shadow Ball.”

Banette’s eyes glowed a pale yellow, then it was pitch black. All anyone could see was a pair of pale yellow eyes, a purplish ball, and Slugma’s orange rays. When the light cleared, Slugma looked badly damaged as it started to squawk. Bannette gave a smile, and spun around in the air.

“No, Slugma!!!” said Wensel in his deep voice.

“No!” exclaimed Wensel as he took out a walkie-talkie-like device.

“Magma Wensel retreating!” he said into it.

“Ehehehe, you're not getting away that easily!” said Hayden.
Banette pointed its tiny finger out and a shield blocked Wensel on all sides. Then one came from underneath and Wensel started to float in the well shielded attack.

“That’s Protect, in case your wondering,” said Hayden.

Tanner took out his notebook, and wrote: Protect: Used as shielded jail, as well as shield to protect self with. Tanner always wrote down anything he learned about Pokemon, or attacks.

After about ten minutes of walking, Hayden asked Tanner,

“Want to journey with me to Lilycove?”

“Why?” asked Tanner.

“I need to get there for a contest. Murkrow can’t fly me there, and I don’t want to go alone so…”

“Ok!” Tanner exclaimed.

He couldn’t wait to travel with a very strong trainer. Then again, he wanted too train too.

“So, we’re friends?” asked Tanner.

“Friends.”

He replied back with a smile.

Chapter 4
Get Your Head Out of the Sky, Tanner!​

As they began to walk forward, they heard the noises of calling Tailow, splashing Lotad, and the squirming of Wurmple.

“It’s quiet, besides the Pokemon’s noises. Maybe we’ll make it out without being attacked.”

But Hayden was wrong…very wrong indeed. Tanner and Hayden were walking side-by-side, looking around for any sign of vicious Pokemon.

***​

“Ahhhh…a trainer,” said Swellow.

“I’ll be right back.” said the Swellow to its baby Taillows. [This Swellow is not Tanner’s Swellow.)

As Swellow soared through the sky, it spotted the trainer, another trainer, and a floating puppet.

“I bet I can handle em’ all.” said the Swellow to itself.

Swellow swooped down quietly, and hooked its claw onto Tanner’s book bag strap. Tanner, not knowing what had happened, was talking to Hayden, both laughing.

“Hehehe,” laughed the Swellow to itself.

It started to fly upward a little, making Tanner’s book bag move up slightly. Tanner still hadn’t known what was happening, and continued to talk. Then the Swellow swooped high into the air, bringing Tanner with it.

“Ah!” screamed Tanner’, high up in the air. Hayden looked up to see Tanner dangling from the book bag. Tanner’s right arm slipped out of the strap. Then his left - but he held on to the Swellow’s leg. Hayden commanded Banette to attack, but Swellow was too far away.

In Tanner’s view, it looked beautiful. There were more Swellow, Altaria, and much, much more. But far away, Tanner could see a green flying dragon. He remembered the page in his book: “Flygon.”

“Oh!” Tanner said staring at the Flygon, but almost letting go, too. The Flygon flew far away, leaving a sandy streak in the sky. Ahead, Tanner saw a Dustox. It looked at him, and smiled. It opened its mouth, and out came a purple pin. It hit Tanner in the leg, and Tanner slipped off.

“Ahhhh!” Tanner exclaimed, falling far.

The Swellow swooped down, and grabbed Tanner’s arm. Tanner looked up at it and smiled. It smiled back. Swellow swooped down very low, and let Tanner go.

“What was that for?” Tanner asked Swellow.

It shook its head, smiled, and flew away.

“That was odd…”

“Hey, where were you!”

Tanner looked behind him to see Hayden running towards him, Banette floating behind.

“I don’t know. A Swellow just took me into the air. But was it awesome! I saw an Altaria, and some other Swellows! I also saw a Flygon!”

Hayden raised his eyes.

“What did it do?” Hayden asked.

“Well, it looked at me, and then flew away leaving a sand streak behind.”

“Hmmm. So I guess you had a small, interesting adventure?”

“Yeah…Hey, where’s Seedot???” Tanner asked worriedly.

Then, there was a noise of panting, and Seedot came up behind Hayden, running as fast its little legs could carry it.

“Whoops. Sorry, Seedot.” Hayden said, apologizing.

It gave Hayden a wink, and jumped onto Tanner’s head.

“Well, my journey’s been exciting so far.”

Then, Tanner had an unusual pain in his leg. He looked down to see the pin in his leg.

“Oh, yeah. A Dustox hit me with Poison Sting.”

“WHAT???” Hayden asked loudly.

He bent down, and looked at Tanner’s leg. It was already slightly bleeding.

“We have to get you to the Pokemon Center!”

“Well, it doesn’t hurt.”

After Tanner said his last word, Tanner fell down, clutching his leg. Seedot jumped off his head.

“Ok, maybe I do need to go! But, I can’t walk…”

“Banette, you know what to do.” Hayden said, staring at Banette.

Banette gave a small eerie sigh, and Tanner started to float. They then set off for Rustboro, Seedot following behind.

Mmm, and that's approximately how Chapter Three and Chapter Four should look with the conventions of formatting, grammar, spelling and punctuation applied to them. For future chapters, please do these corrections yourself before you post. And be especially careful with the spelling of important things (like main pokemon's names).

Hmm. I'm not sure how long your Chapter Three is now that it's spaced out but I think all chapters apart from the prologue are required by forum rules to be at least a page in Word. If you don't comply with the rules, you run the risk of having your story closed, which would be a shame because you've got bits in here that are simply amazing.

Like when Tanner got swept up by the Swellow. That was really random, but very gorgeous. Filled with excitement and thrills as Tanner's grip becomes shakier and the sheer beauty of a sky filled with flying pokemon. A little more description to help your readers envisage the scene more clearly might have been nice, but the raw ideas were still recogniseable and beautiful.

And that random Swellow's personality was really something!

It shook its head, smile, and flew away.

Missing 'd' from 'smiled' aside, that was awesome. An eccentric bird whose explanations are its own. ^^ Fun. And what's more, you've not gone for the 'hyper' thing. Often, characters in 'random' stories are hyper and loud and FULL-ON-CAPS-LOCK-FUNNY-HYSTERICAL. But yours are comparatively sedate and consequently appear more believable and less 'forcedly-funny'. ^^ Muchly congrats on that!

Actually, on the note of 'realism', how big are Swellow? As I recall, they're quite small - so small in fact that it might be impossible for them to pick up a child, let alone a child AND their bag. Eh, perhaps more description about how things actually look would explain how that happened? As in, how big was Swellow compared to Tanner?

And therein lies what I think is one of the key areas for you to work on. There's about three things that are holding your story back - lack of description, technical errors (formatting/spelling/grammar/punctuation) and characterisation. But the third would probably be solved when the first is.

1. Lack of description. First of all, description slows a story down. It makes the reader work through a lot more content and detail and even though the things you're describing may actually be action that takes place in seconds, to the reader it feels longer because it doesn't take seconds to read. This can help to solve the pace problem the Jupetta mentioned.

What description can also do is flesh out the story. It gives the reader the details they need to imagine the scenes, action and people with greater depth so that the story seems more 'real'. It helps them to draw closer to the story as they see/feel/experience it as though they were really there. It can make the action more powerful, the scenery more beautiful and the characters more understandable.

Another thing description does is help to position the reader to respond to your story in a particular way.

"George wandered down to the village, slender fingers brushing the delicate, seed laden tips of the long grass he moved through."

"George trudged through the long grass, hands clenched into fists held just above the seed-heavy grass tips so as not to collect any of the itchy traces."

See how the two different descriptions create very different feelings? The first description is light and carefree while the second one has a rather more brutal, heavy feel to it. With this sort of thing, you can manipulate the way certain characters or atmospheres appear - a highly important tool for an author. Use it well!

2. Technical errors. Eh, these are generally the easiest to solve. Spellcheckers can do the majority of the work for you, though I still suggest you get a beta reader because Spellcheckers have been known to make mistakes.

3. Characterisation. Heh, if you include how your characters move, speak and feel (that's feel both physically and emotionally) in your description, this will probably solve itself. You've already shown a knack for subtle characterisation with the Swellow - a bit more of those gestures and mannerisms applied to Tanner, Hayden and their pokemon will help to shape their personalities.

Also, I liked the way you had Banette and Seedot functioning apart from their trainers. Pokemon acting on their own initiative and in accordance with their own personalities helps to show the distinction between trainer and pokemon and gets rid of the 'pokebots' phenomenon. (Pokebots are pokemon that simply do what their trainers tell them to and seem to have no personality of thier own.)

Hmm. Final point - there's probably no need to edit every chapter into your first post. Just posting it separately will do.

Okay, hope you can put this review and the marvelous start you've got to good use! This review may seem long and really critical, but it's critical because I think you can handle the criticism and have moved beyond the basics to the stage where you can start refining your work. It's a strange form of compliment on your writing skills. ^^

So, as always, best of luck and fun to you! And if you want anything else in your story commented on/critiqued or if you want anything in this review expanded upon/explained, let me know!

Piney.
;204;;324;