• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Team Magma: mission objective

this is the first part of my pokemon fanfic based on team magma. ;059;




“Lt. Trey, Maxi requests your presents immediately.” Trey lowered his sunglasses and looked up at the messenger from his seated position.
“Does he really.” He pushed his sunglasses back into place.
“Yes, now if you’ll follow me.” The messenger started to walk away turning just once to make shore trey was following him. Trey drew himself up and followed the messenger. Trey was a tall man, with spiky brown hair. He wore jeans with chains hanging from both sides, a sleeveless team magma top with dog tags hanging over. Trey also had the team magma emblem tattooed on his left arm.
The two walked down the long corridors of the ocean liner base. They came to a large door and the messenger took his position at the side of the door.
“Enter.” A loud voice came from behind the door, and trey did as he was commanded.
Upon entering the room trey noticed another man stood in front of Maxi large pine desk.
The man was tall and slim with long slim blond hair he wore the same uniform as trey minus the chains and sunglasses.
“Seth.” Trey took p the man’s hand and shock it. The two had been great friends in the lower ranks of team magma but when they were both promoted to the rank of lieutenant they were split up and given there own squads to command.
“It’s been a long time.” Smiled Seth.
“Uh, hum. Good to see the two of you know each other.” Maxi sat in a large black leather chair behind the pine desk. Trey and Seth stood to attention.
“Sir!” the two said in unison.
“At ease boys. The two of you are both very skilled soldiers and your pokemon are remarkable.”
“Thank you sir.” Replied Seth.
“That is why you two have been chosen to join a special ops team I am forming for a new mission.”
“Understood.”
“Now release your pokemon.” The two lieutenants looked at each other.
“Sir?” questioned trey.
“I just want to see them before sending you off to meet the other members of the group.”
“o.k.,” Seth detached a poke ball from his belt. Out of the ball in a flash of red light appeared a large dragon like pokemon.
“Ah you have a Charizard, impressive.”
“Thank you sir.” Seth’s charizard was an impressive site. Trey was taken aback the last time he had seen charizard it had been a Charmeleon.
“And you trey?” Trey also detached a poke ball from his belt, and in another red flash appeared his pokemon, a large wolf like pokemon with tiger like markings.
“Very nice, an Arcanine.”
“Sir, excuse me, but what is this mission that we are to be going on?” Questioned Trey.
“Ah yes, the mission. We have received word from our intelligence in the Kanto region, that team Rocket has developed a new pokeball that has a 100% success rate at catching any pokemon.”
“That can not be possible sir!” exclaimed Seth.
“Those were my thoughts, if team rocket use this “master ball” as it’s been codenamed to catch a legendary pokemon we are all in trouble. Worse still if team aqua get this ball and go after Kyogre. LT Trey and LT Seth. You two will lead a special ops mission to retrieve the pokebal from there saffron city base. There are four more members you will be taken to the upper deck were you will meet them. At midnight you will be flown to Kanto. Any questions?”
“Sir, would this not also be a good opportunity to sabotage team rocket from the inside?” enquired Seth.
“That would normally be what we would do, but at this point just hack into there main computer and copy there files.”
“Understood.”
Now go to the top deck section 6 and meet up with you’re respective teams.”
“Teams?” asked trey
“Each of you has been assigned two subordinates. Trey you will enter from the roof, Seth from the basement. There are 50 floors to there headquarters, the “master ball” is in a volt on the 27th floor. Seth you will disable the security system from below. Trey you will attack from above.”
“Understood.”
“Good luck. now go.”
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
this is the first part of my pokemon fanfic based on team magma. ;059;




“Lt. Trey, Maxi requests your presents immediately.” Trey lowered his sunglasses and looked up at the messenger from his seated position.

“Does he really.” He pushed his sunglasses back into place.

“Yes, now if you’ll follow me.” The messenger started to walk away turning just once to make shore trey was following him. Trey drew himself up and followed the messenger.

Trey was a tall man, with spiky brown hair. He wore jeans with chains hanging from both sides, a sleeveless team magma top with dog tags hanging over. Trey also had the team magma emblem tattooed on his left arm.

The two walked down the long corridors of the ocean liner base. They came to a large door and the messenger took his position at the side of the door.

“Enter.” A loud voice came from behind the door, and Trey did as he was commanded.

Upon entering the room Trey noticed another man stood in front of Maxie large pine desk. The man was tall and slim with long slim blond hair he wore the same uniform as Trey, minus the chains and sunglasses.

“Seth.” Trey took p the man’s hand and shock it. The two had been great friends in the lower ranks of Team Magma but when they were both promoted to the rank of lieutenant they were split up and given there own squads to command.

“It’s been a long time.” Smiled Seth.

“Uh, hum. Good to see the two of you know each other.” Maxie sat in a large black leather chair behind the pine desk. Trey and Seth stood to attention.

“Sir!” the two said in unison.

“At ease boys. The two of you are both very skilled soldiers and your pokemon are remarkable.”

“Thank you sir.” Replied Seth.

“That is why you two have been chosen to join a special ops team I am forming for a new mission.”

“Understood.”

“Now release your pokemon.” The two lieutenants looked at each other.
“Sir?” questioned Trey.

“I just want to see them before sending you off to meet the other members of the group.”

O.k.,” Seth detached a poke ball from his belt. Out of the ball in a flash of red light appeared a large dragon like pokemon.

“Ah you have a Charizard, impressive.”

“Thank you sir.”

Seth’s charizard was an impressive site. Trey was taken aback the last time he had seen Charizard it had been a Charmeleon.

“And you Trey?”

Trey also detached a poke ball from his belt, and in another red flash appeared his pokemon, a large wolf like pokemon with tiger like markings.

“Very nice, an Arcanine.”

“Sir, excuse me, but what is this mission that we are to be going on?” Questioned Trey.

“Ah yes, the mission. We have received word from our intelligence in the Kanto region, that Team Rocket has developed a new pokeball that has a 100% success rate at catching any pokemon.”

“That can not be possible sir!” exclaimed Seth.

“Those were my thoughts, if Team Rocket use this “master ball” as it’s been codenamed to catch a legendary pokemon we are all in trouble. Worse still if Team Aqua get this ball and go after Kyogre. LT Trey and LT Seth. You two will lead a special ops mission to retrieve the pokeball from there Saffron City base. There are four more members you will be taken to the upper deck were you will meet them. At midnight you will be flown to Kanto. Any questions?”

“Sir, would this not also be a good opportunity to sabotage Team Rocket from the inside?” enquired Seth.

“That would normally be what we would do, but at this point just hack into there main computer and copy there files.”

“Understood.”

Now go to the top deck section 6 and meet up with you’re respective teams.”

“Teams?” asked Trey

“Each of you has been assigned two subordinates. Trey you will enter from the roof, Seth from the basement. There are 50 floors to there headquarters, the “master ball” is in a volt on the 27th floor. Seth you will disable the security system from below. Trey you will attack from above.”

“Understood.”

“Good luck. now go.”

^^Êh, those were the few errors I saw and I certainly thiink there are many more. Please double space, it makes your fic easier to read. It's good to have a spell checker and possibly, a beta reader that exceeds in description cause' you don't have a lot of it. Well, I do sense a good plot and good luck!

Btw, capitalize the character's names.
 
Last edited:

Draconis

Currently active.
Big block of jumbled text, ahoy!

I suggest typing your fic in a proper word program, and not the reply box. I also suggest reading the fic rules, and advice thread, located in plain sight, at the top of this section.

Your fic lacks proper capitalization in many places, is low on description, and is an eyesore to read, due to it being one big block of text. Your first chapter was a bit too short, as well.
 

Leon Phelps

Don't Tread on Me
Meh, I'm not a fan of scripts. I personally prefer description, which your story was seriously lacking. You don't have to bombard the readers with thirty synonyms for "said", but do keep in mind that we don't know what's going on in your head. I haven't played Ruby/Sapphire in forever, so I don't recall what Maxie looks like. Another bit of advice for when you're describing; don't make lists:

Trey was a tall man, with spiky brown hair. He wore jeans with chains hanging from both sides, a sleeveless team magma top with dog tags hanging over. Trey also had the team magma emblem tattooed on his left arm.
THEY ARE BORING. I suggest you read some popular novels or other fics around here to learn how to incorporate verbs with your descriptions. Reading will raise your vocabulary, reducing the monotony in your fic. The reader won't be as bored as when they are forced to read the same words over and over again.

What you did do well was how you set up the atmosphere. That was an interesting opening and would have been even more interesting if you actually described. BUT, this is a tried and true plot that you will have to sprinkle with twists and decent characters.

One more thing: Realism is in.
 
This is basically a block of poorly written script. Do these people not move?

There isn;t a strip of paragraphing, they all use "said" despite it's clear they are wording things differently to depict a different form of how they speak. Do you always "said" when you talk? Do you not, sound angry at ties? Shout? Talk stupidlyfastnobodyanunderstandyou?

Please, read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the Rules, you need to seriously bump up this description and realise there is more to life than plain dialogue.

Sandra
 
Top