Tell a joke, die laughing -- New and improved!

[Hilda]

Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.

 

[SpeedDeoxys]

Yo Mama so stup¡d,
she got fired at the M&M factory...

for throwing out the Ws!


inb4anotheryomamajoke

 

[Hilda]

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh.

 

[Hilda]

What's the difference between a Mexican and a bench?

A bench can support a family of 4!

What do you call a black priest?

Holy &*!@

What do you call a group of white people going down a hill?

Avalanche!

What do you call a group of white people going down a hill?

The white people pushed by Mexicans and Blacks after using the first 2 jokes.

 

[Steampunk]

all the yo mamma jokes and not one chuck norris joke?

chuck norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

chuck norris doesnt dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

when chuck norris jumps into a lake he doesnt get wet, the lake gets chuck norrised.

 

[Bananarama]

Did you hear about the newlywed couple in South Korea?

They're Seoul-mates.

 

[AndyRedGold]

"Prof. Oak: You have worked hard to become the new League Champion.
Red: Hell yeah i did. I had to listen to a *** saying he likes effin' SHORTS. I had to rub the back of a seasick captain. I had to put an effin' Marowak's spirit to rest. And I had to put up with the **** your stupid grandson kept saying to me like "Hey loser!" or "Smell Ya Later". Just to figure out HE was the Champion. Yeah thanks, Oak.
Prof. Oak: ....Ooook? o_0", from Luigifan1 on YouTube. Keep the jokes relevant.

 

[lollygag]

Q: What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?

A: Princess Diana never became Queen of England.

 

[MasterLucario]

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in 3 turns

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push up, he pushes the ground down.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built himself.

 

[AndyRedGold]

Awesome lower picture.

 

[Jacobthepokemonfreak]

tried to replicate shrodingers cat. I didn't need to look to find out what had happened

 

[TerryJ]

What do you do when an Egyptian hurts his back?
Call a Cairopractor.

*crickets*

 

[Galux]

Why did the mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila

 

[Baba Yaga]

Q. Why is it Catholic priests can never win a race?

A. They always come in a little behind

 

[poix_the_yak]

Sometimes, just so other people will think I'm smart, I'll just masturbate a word into a sentence without even knowing what it means.

 

[Shadow Caster]

whats white and can't climb a tree?
a refrigerator

This.

An even better one is what's blue and can't talk? THE SKY!

Why did the man float in the lake?

Because he was dead.

How do you make an eggroll?

You push it.

Why couldn't the kid go into the pirate movie?

Because it was rated PG-13 and he was only 11!

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I was kidding about the wheels...

Yeah...

 

[facetious]

I've heard 5-year-olds tell better jokes than the ones in this miserable excuse of a thread.

 

[Shadow Caster]

I've heard 5-year-olds tell better jokes than the ones in this miserable excuse of a thread.

Well, mine were meant to be bad. (They're Anti-Jokes. The lack of punchline is the punchline.)

I can't say the same for the rest of the people who put jokes here. =/

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?.

'Domestic violence is a crime. She should leave her abusiv partner and seek help.'"

 

[Steampunk]

Did you know that 4/3 of people have trouble with fractions?

 

[DjangoCribbs]

Have you never tried or something?

A man walks into a pub. He sits down at the bar. He takes out a small piano and a frog, and puts both of them on the bar. To the bartender's surprise, the frog starts playing the piano. The man then pulls out a rat and puts it on the bar. To the bartender's further surprise, the rat starts singing. Another man at the bar turns to him. "Say," he goes, "that's a great act! Would you mind selling them to me for $25,000?"

"No way," says the first man.

"In that case," the second man continues, "would you sell me just the rat for $20,000?"

"Well," the first man says, hemming and hawing for a moment, "alright." He hands the man the rat, then receives his $20,000. The lucky owner of the rat walks out of the bar, satisfied with himself.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" asks the barkeep afterward. "Why did you break up a million-dollar act like that?"

The man at the bar just smirks. "The frog's a ventriloquist."

That's pretty good, never heard it before but I know a very similar one...

Man walks into a pub with a duck tucked under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other. He strolls up to the bar and promises the landlord that his duck will dance for the entertainment of the customers, they'll stay and drink, the landlord will be rolling in it. All the man wants is some credit for the bar. The landlord challenges the man to prove his tale of a dancing duck. Fair enough, the man places the biscuit tin on the bar, sets the duck upon it and the duck begins doing a little two step shuffle.
The other patrons are gobsmacked, they've never seen anything like it. Soon enough a huge crowd has gathered round. The landlord is impressed, he tells the man that in return for the dancing duck the man will never need to pay for a drink in this pub again. The man says deal, they shake on it, the man finishes his drink and leaves.

A week later, the man returns. The landlord looks angry, he calls the man over to the bar and demands to know why the duck has stopped dancing.
"When did it stop?" the man asks.
"About an hour or so after you left. What's your game?"
The man tries to calm the landlord, goes over to the duck. He picks the duck up, checks inside it's beak. Looks underneath it's wings, examines it's feet. Then he picks up the tin, lifts the lid and peers inside.
"No wonder the duck stopped dancing, chum. You let the bloody candles go out."

A true dad joke. Never sure if that one is worth the time it takes to tell it (the live version features much gesturing and dramatic pauses) but sometimes it gets good payoff.
One of my favourite "brief" jokes...

I took a dyslexic girl home the other night. It didn't work out so well for me, she ended up cooking my sock.