Tenbun Yon Kon/Destiny of the Four Souls

[SoulSword]

For the record, if I got the translation wrong, I ask you for forgiveness and let me know imedeately. Thank you and Please enjoy.I probbly need a disclaimer in here, don't I?o.k.I am sorry, its my first fic and kinda have no idea as to what i am doing.

Discliamer: I do not own poke'mon nor do I take much credit for anything in the plot

​

Tenbun Yon Kon/Destiny of the Four Souls
Chapter#1

We begin our story in a house in a small and aucluded town in the Hoen mountains called Baransuobupawaa, meaning balance of power. In this house we find our two main characters, Blade F. Saber and Purity C. Fan. Blade is a young boy of the age og 15. He ids about 5' 9 with a tan colored skin. His hair is a dark brown, in a slightly long fashion, as are his eyes. His face is set to look like he is always in a bad mood for his eyes are kinda stuck that way( its true, they were not always like that but they grew into it), yet his glasses gave him the eyes of a wise man when he is in thought. He is always wearing his black pants and jacket with white T-shirt and bland white shoes( notice a pattern here?).
Now Purity is a little younger than Blade(14). She is about 5' 6 with white skin( it is technically a peach color, but you know what I mean). Her hair is a dirty blond that goes a little way down the back. Her eyes are a saphire type of blue that seems to hold the innocence of a baby. She also wears glasses, but they don't add anything to her but better eye sight. She usually wears a light blue tank-top with a pair of jean pants.
Now back to the house. They were both in Blades room prepareing for their journey that was oh-so-well-known. However, this time around there is a twist, these two wish to be the best team in history. Much more exciting than that whole "Master of them all" deal, don't you think? Now, where were we? Ah,yes. The two teens packing their bags in Blade's room. "Can you belive we're finally allowed to do this?" asked the very anxious Blade.
Their parents, being the stuborn mules parents tend to be, had forbid them from traveling till they were both at least 14.
"I know, I mean they could at least let us get poke'mon in the mean time for some experience in raiseing them!" Purity replied with equal excitment.
They were forced to spend all their time together (not with a whole lot of resisting) so they could learn to think in sync. As much as their parents supported their dream, they still wanted to ready them in their own way.
"Ready?" Blade asked with the smirk he was well known for.
"You know it!" Purity replies beaming. They had just finished packing.
"You know, there is just one thing I never quite got about this whole ordeal." Blade said, stopping for a momment.
"What?" asked the now curious Purity.
"Why are those old coots so edgey whenever we bring up this trip? I mean, its like there is something about it they don't want us to know just yet, you know?" was his reply.
"Is that what you've been pondering about lately?" asked Purity, raiseing an eye brow.
"And the reson you beat me so easly at chess yesterday." He added, once again, smirking.
"Yeah right! You just don't want to admit that I can accually out wit you!" she teases.
"Whatever, lets go get the new responsibility from the professer!" he says, shaking the comeback off.
Purity sighs, "Right behind you."
"See anything you like?" Blade joked.
"No, not really" she replied, blushing like mad.
She was glad to be behind him so he could not see this, though he already knew about it anyway. They both head down the steps with the traditional travel gear: poke'balls, potions, running shoes, a backpack, and a phanny pack. They got down the stairs and their parents were waiting for them. ~This can't be good~ they both thought simultaneously. They looked at each other and knew they were both thinking the same thing.
"I'm gonna go ahead and guess that this isn't a send off of some sort," Blade said kinda nervously.
"You are correct," said the unusually cold voice of his father.
"Okay, another wild guess. You guys are still don't want us to go reguardless of what you all agreed on 4 years ago." Blade saw that he was right by the glares he was getting.
"We still belive you both to be unready for traveling together." stated Purity's father.
"Aha, I knew it!" cried Blade.
Purity looked at him rather confused. "Huh?????"
"I have suspected for some time that the reson they have delayed our trip for so long in order to keep two teens from doing anything stuipid." Blades eyes were narrow with rage.
"What?!?!?!?!?!?! Like I would ever do something like that with you!" Purities reaction made Blade flinch. "Oh, sorry! I didn't mean it like that!" she appologized.
"I don't know if I should feel relived or otherwise" Blade joked.
Yet Purity's mother vented a seething rage at the comment. "You see! That boy just wants my daughter for his own amusment!!!!!!" Her eye's wer deadly.
Blade took a step in front of his best friend for protection. "Okay, first of all, ouch. Second of all, that accusation seems a little unfair, don't you think? I mean, honestly! I have no intention of bringing any form of harm to her and I have no intetion of letting you hurt here dreams in this way with your paranoia!" Purity's mothers eyes softened to their usual kindness.
"Good job, you pass." she said softly.
"Whaaaaa?" asked the now completely lost Blade.
"You both have passed, you deffended yourself and my daughter despite the consiquences that you have been warned about in the past. We were hoping the bond we've helped you forge would be this strong," she explained with a somewhat mystrious smile.
"Okay," Purity says in a curious manner," what are you guys up to?" she asked.
The only answer she would get was ,"We will tell you as soon as you qualify for the leage."
And with that, the parents left the house. As soon as they were out of ear shot,
"...What the F***!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" they both yelled.
"Any idea what that was about? asked Blade.
"Not a clue," Replied Purity.
"Guess we better get going, were late enough as it is,"Blade said with a sigh.
"I suppose so... race you!" she challenged.
"Hn, You're on!" he accepted.
They run out the door, and so they head for the lab accross the way, to begin ther journey in world of poke'mon.

Written By: Cody N.T. Chung Chesser

So how did you all like it? I know it could probbly use some work and you're most likey wondering about the fact that it is called Destiny of the Four Souls, huh? well you'll have to wait to find out!
​

 

[SoulSword]

What. no comments? you guys gotta give me something, I dont care if its mean or not as long as its honest and i get some kind of reaction!

 

[FibreJunky]

I like it. A lot. Might be a little easier to read if it had paragraph delineations, but otherwise, good job. Now write more so I can read it!

 

[chary888]

Well not to be mean or anything but... It has like 1000000000000 errors!!!
I will point some out.

Grammer errors

Punctuation errors

Hard to read error, USE PARAGRAHS!

Please enter twice after each dialog

To short to be called a story

Just work on that ok! ^______^

 

[SoulSword]

I'll get on that for the next chapter, remeber, its my first time on these things

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

Eh. It's okay. By the way, I'm going to get you for what you did in my fic. And this is how I'll do it:Spoiler time! The main character's rivals are the other 2 souls. Corny, isn't it?

 

[SoulSword]

There! I fixed the first chapter, though I couldnt do a thing about the length.

 

[SoulSword]

Everyone, please ignor my mother,FibreJunky. I am sure the last thing you all need is to listen to a boys mother kissing up to her son!

 

[AmericanPuppy104]

Just so everyone knows, SoulSword says that unless at least 2 people PM him, the next chapter stays down.

 

[Psychic]

Firstly, SoulSword, don't double post, You can just as easily Edit your posts. -_-

Now, the revew:
This honestly should have been written on Microsoft Word. There were a TON or spelling, grammar and punctuation errors. This program could have easily found them and showed you how to fix them.
It isn't spelled 'poke'mon'. It is spelled 'Pokémon'. Capital 'P' and 'e' with an accent (é). To make this 'é', press and hold 'Alt', then type in 130 on the number board on the left side of the keyboard. If you can't do that, at least don't put in the apostrophe and capitalize the 'P'.
Also, every time you have a new paragraph (including when someone talks) you have to skip TWO LINES. You have to press the 'Enter' button TWICE, ok? That way, it's easier to read.

Description was lacking. What does the house look like? The parents?
You DID provide description on what the two main characters look like at the beginning, but that was BAD. Never, EVER bluntly tell us these things. It interrupts the flow of the story and is very awkward.

Characters have somewhat of a personality, however again, you are much too blunt with it. You just outright say that this person is this way and feels that way. We have to see from their actions what kinds of people they are. We don;t want you to actually TELL us.

Plot: It's not that great. The parents were conspiring so that they'd become close? WTF? Then you totally lost me when the parents stop Blade and Purity.
Then the fic is becoming a trainer fic that will later include two other characters how exciting.



Oh, and AmericanPuppy104? Please tell SoulSword that nobody really cares if he posts the next chapter or not. It's HIS choice if he wants to continue or not. if he posts a FanFic, he should be doing it because HE wants to, not because he wants people to idolize his work. We post fics here to IMPROVE, not to become popular.
I hope you read this post, SoulSword. You can learn a thing or two from it.


~Psychic

 

[SoulSword]

Look kid, first off, I only had my sister right that to see how people would respond, an experiment, you know? Second thing, everyone should know the what basic house looks like, so why bother describeing it? Next, since the parents aren,t all that important to the story yet and wont reappear for a while, I didnt bother describeing them, alright? and I'll work on the action thing, so any other concerns should be rather miner and unimpaortant, unless im missing something. But yeah, I'll get on it, happy?

 

[Psychic]

Look kid,

Excuse me, but not only have I been on the Forums way longer than you, but I'm also older than you. I could adopt you as my newb if we so choose. I have enough experience here to be your mentor.
So next time you call someone 'kid', check to see how long they've been a member, little newblet. *coughownedcough*

first off, I only had my sister right that to see how people would respond, an experiment, you know?

Oh, you wanted to sound like some kind of martyr. How cute. "Oh, I'll DIE if people don't tell how they feel about my WONDERFUL writing!" Boo frickin hoo.
Guess what? The forums don't work like that. If you stop posting a story because of a lack of readers, nobody will care. What you do is your choice. Nobody here is going to babysit you.
Hmmm, you had your 'sister' threaten your readers and *gasps* nobody replied and seemed to care! What a surprise. Nobody here takes to threats, kid.

Second thing, everyone should know the what basic house looks like, so why bother describeing it?

Um, let's see...because you're SUPPOSED TO.
Why would I describe the sky in my fic? Why describe the forest the main characters are in? Because it makes the reader feel like they're right there, in the story standing right there next to the characters!
Do you not know what description is? Do you not know what description is for? Apperantly not. You're supposed to use description to get the reader INTO the story. We, the readers, want to feel like we're actually there, in the house, with Blade and Purity. We want to feel like we're part of the story.
And guess what? NOT ALL HOUSES ARE THE SAME. There are different social/economical classes: higher, middle and lower. Now, a reader in the lower class will probably imagine the house as being like their own: maybe a bit run down, paint peeling off the walls, the kitchen table being wobbly and having mismatched chairs, a stained wooden floor, a backyard with many weeds and so on. Someone in the higher class, however, may think that every room has a TV, there are expensive chandeliers in the dining room/s, bedrooms have four-poster king sized beds, a pool in the backyard and so on.
Now, is the house that Blade and Purity is in a high, lower or middle class house? WE DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GIVE US A SINGLE DESCRIPTIVE WORD ON THE STATE OF THE HOUSE. If we knew about what kind of house it is, we can get an idea of what the family's background and history is like. This is important because WE WANT TO KNOW AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE ON THE MAIN CHARACTERS.

Next, since the parents aren,t all that important to the story yet and wont reappear for a while, I didnt bother describeing them, alright?

No, it's not alright.
Because you didn't add description, when I tried to imagine what the parents looked like, all I saw were a bunch of shapeless shadows.
We don't care how unimportant they are to the story. We still want to know what they look like so we can see them in our heads.
And if it takes a few extra minutes of your life to figure out what the parents look like, it won't make your life a living Hell.
I strongly suggest that to know what I mean by 'these characters are shapeless shadow' read Dragonfree's fic, Life of a Character. This can be a HUGE help for aspiring authors.

and I'll work on the action thing, so any other concerns should be rather miner and unimpaortant, unless im missing something. But yeah, I'll get on it, happy?

Me, happy? You aren't doing this for me. You shouldn't be writing so as to make your readers happy.
Personally, I don't care what you do. You can just go off right now and keep writing in the reply box. I don't give. All I'm doing is trying to help you improve. I'm trying to help you get better. If you don't want my advise, I don't care. Continue writing at a below average level. It doesn't affect my life.
I'm doing this for you. Taking my own free time and telling you how to improve. If you want to blow me off, go ahead. But there are other reviewers like me, and whether you like it or not, they will tell you the same things I did.
So maybe if you keep writing at this level I'll come back to help you. It;s what I do, see? I'm one of Serebii's most honest, and most hated reviewers. I do my job because people need to learn how to improve.

Don't do this for me. Do it for yourself. Help me to help you.


~Psychic

 

[SoulSword]

For the record, I call everyone kid, regardless of age. And if you have something to suggest to improve future chapters, i ask you make them known. I am open to suggestions. And most importanly, I am personally sick of hearing that "help me help you" line. please don't do it again. Oh, and I belive that the trem "small and succulded town" gives you a really good idea for a house in the world this is based off of like so much on this site.

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

Personally, I think you should buy your personal dictionary. You can't even spell "term"! You should take Psychic's advice.

 

[SoulSword]

You butt out!

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

*;025;: Butthead!*
*;277;: Turbonerd!*
*;348;: Freak show!*
*;257;: Idiot!*
*;292;: Numskull!*
*;184;: GDDGVFYTHJDRRAQAESDV!*
*All but Mace: *
*;025;: You ruined the state of anger!*
I agree with the twits. You are stupid for not following other people's advice!
*All: We aren't twits!*

 

[Act]

Get off your high horse, SoulSword. I'm not sure if you think this is actually good, but it's not, and I'm tempted to think this is a troll.

Psychic came in to offer you advice, and as one often flamed by n00bs, I can safely say he didn't deserve you talking to him that way. Disrespect on these forums = ban. I have the mind to PM Dragonfree right now. Leave it alone, and either don't improve, continue to whine, and don't get readers, or learn to take advice and get better. The end.

 

[Psychic]

For the record, I call everyone kid, regardless of age.

Everyone? That's a laugh. There are people here in college. Somehow, I can't see some of them being called 'kid'.

And if you have something to suggest to improve future chapters, i ask you make them known.

Here's a suggestion: improve your spelling and grammar. Skip lines. Add description.

And most importanly, I am personally sick of hearing that "help me help you" line.

Do you think I enjoy trying to get people to listen to what I have to say? Maybe if you listened the first time, I wouldn't have to use that line.

please don't do it again.

I'll use it untill it makes you listen.

Oh, and I belive that the trem "small and succulded town" gives you a really good idea for a house in the world

Uh, no; not really. -_- Everyone interrpruts that line differently. Not everyone thinks exactly like you, as I already mentioned.

this is based off of like so much on this site.

I think that the point you're trying to make in this sentence is that the Town is like Serebii. Dude, Serebeth is based off this site. Your Baransuobupawaa (how the Hell is anyone going to remember a name like that? I can see a two year old trying to remember the name of his town...) is not described at all, so we can't really compare it to any place we know.

Personally, I think you should buy your personal dictionary. You can't even spell "term"! You should take Psychic's advice.

You butt out!

Firstly, dragon_dude, there's a dictionary on Microsoft Word that SoulSword could use, but apperantly he's too good for that.
Of course, you added nothing helpful to this thread, so it's not surprising that you have nothing constructive to say.
Secondly, SoulSword, if you want people to read and review your fic, you're going about it the wrong way. That kind of comment will turn readers off. Nobody wants to review a fic with a writer with such an attitiude.
If Serebii's so nice, then you're ruining it with your snappy comments. That was practically SPAM. That entire post was you putting dragon_dude down for telling you to listen to me.


And dragon_dude35d, replying with even MORE SPAM is just as bad. Both you and SoulSword are going to turn this thread into a Flame War. Now stop it.

Get off your high horse, SoulSword. I'm not sure if you think this is actually good, but it's not, and I'm tempted to think this is a troll.

Psychic came in to offer you advice, and as one often flamed by n00bs, I can safely say he didn't deserve you talking to him that way. Disrespect on these forums = ban. I have the mind to PM Dragonfree right now. Leave it alone, and either don't improve, continue to whine, and don't get readers, or learn to take advice and get better. The end.

Thank the Lord, some else with commun sense has entered the thread!

Thanks for sticking up for me, man. Few people do that. And you're right-they'll all go to Banned Land if they keep this up.

The only thing is that I'm not a guy. ^^; If I got a dime for every time I was thought to be a guy, I could buy an iPod.


But don't force Act to drag Dragonfree into this. It will not turn out well. For you, that is.


Think about what we've said here before you reply.

~Psychic

 

[SoulSword]

Alright! befare I do what I logged on today for, might I ask you get off my case? Believe me, I know how crappy it is right now, OK? And none of the stuff I said was personal! But I have been spending time trying to improve for this next chapter! Believe it or not, I acually do take some of this stuff sereously. I'll try to post the next Chapter tomarrow and we shall see what I have learned.OK?

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

And dragon_dude35d, replying with even MORE SPAM is just as bad. Both you and SoulSword are going to turn this thread into a Flame War. Now stop it.

You're right Psychic, I shouldn't have gotten so mad at my bro. I'm sorry.