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Thanks A Bunch [Pokeshipping&&Anti-Pearlshipping]

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by L0v3 is Evol, May 20, 2009.

  1. L0v3 is Evol

    L0v3 is Evol Active Member

    This is a poem dedicated to Pokeshipping [and/or the fail of Pearlshipping]! It's in Dawn's POV. It's a terrible poem, yes I know =P and it probably doesn't portray Dawn the way she is in the anime… but it’s how I want her to feel [it’s fanfic for a reason, right?] And on to the poem…

    Rating: G

    Thanks for everything
    The thoughts,
    The truth,
    The love that you can't return,
    But instead give your friendship.

    The Pokémon.
    You told me you loved them.
    Her.
    It wasn't just one, there were so many of them
    ~even before I came into the picture.
    All your closer friends, but there is the one...
    And I can never match up to her.
    Your love for her is as vast as the sea, oceans,
    All the water on this Earth.

    I've given you all my attention:
    Your first gym battle in Sinnoh,
    ~who cheered you on?
    I did.
    She didn't.
    Who admitted that their dream might've hindered the chances of your own?
    I did.
    Did she?
    Doubt it.
    But, I should stop this-
    The little green monster is coming along...

    So instead of the sadness,
    I thank you with everything I have.
    Thank you for protecting me.
    Thank you for not leaving me.
    Thank you for being the friend I always needed.
    Thank you Ash Ketchum...

    End of Poem.
    Hope you enjoyed it! Also, please review ;026;
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2009
  2. Encyclopika

    Encyclopika The Queen

    This needs a rating at the top of the thread as soon as you can please. ~~

    Anyway, read it while I was here and found it very good. ^^ I like how, even though she's thankful at the end, she's bitter...and that's portrayed VERY well. It's subtle, but noticeable as well.
    Envy...great reference. ^^

    There are a few things that'd note need some changes:

    I'd get rid of "But instead..." since you already mentioned the friendship. Or you could cut out the bit about friendship and move it there. Either way, but not both. XD

    I'd separate that line in two, right at the comma.

    Would cut out "against the evils of this world"...only because I found it wordy and took a bit away from the resolution Dawn's coming to at the end.

    Sorry...I attended a poem editing group this semester. XD I think this poem is very well-done, as said, and you get the point across very well. Dawn is pretty IC, as well, another plus.
    Keep up the great work. ^^
     
  3. ChloboShoka

    ChloboShoka Writer

    I haven't seen a lot of shippy poems around here lately, so this was a cool change.

    In the first stanza, I think the but insn't needed and helps with the ranting flow a lot better.

    In the second stanza, Ash is kinda portrayed like a cheater and a pokephile. That did come across as a little odd to me, because I can't imagine Ash in the anime as a womaniser, but's your poem. I liked the way you underlined "her" it shows the strong envy and gives it impact. With a tint of sadness from Dawn wanting to be Ash's one.

    The third stanza made me feel a bit sorry for Dawn for feeling that her efforts have gone to nothing. But also makes me think about the times where MIsty has been there for Ash, showing the contradiction in the stanza. I think it's this stanza that makes the biggest impact in the poem.

    I think the last stanza closed up everything well.
     
  4. L0v3 is Evol

    L0v3 is Evol Active Member

    Thanks for the reviews ;453;

    Yay! Lol, when I first wrote it, I thought She's so OOC ._.' So I'm happyy about that ;049;

    About that... I meant the fact Dawn knew that Ash has been travelling with other girls [Misty and May] long before she came into the picture, was what I was trying to show. Which led to Dawn blowing that info up into bigger proportions.

    In addition, I wanted to show a kind of "blind-anger" sort of thing, in which Dawn only sees it as Ash not giving her any attention... Therefore Ash would be a pokephile [lol XD] in Dawn's view.

    Yupp so thanks again ;222;
     

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