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The Adventure of Life

EifieChan

Cold *** Honky
This is a partner project that I am doing with digipoke1. I post the story in my POV first, then he does it. We complete each chapter together prior to posting, and we'll try to post regularly and at the same time. We hope to make them longer as we go along. I think we'll rate this PG to begin with, for a little blood and mention of death later on. He will post his part shortly. THE CHAPTERS WILL GET LONGER! This is the first one and we're still getting the hang of things. And here it begins.


“Hatching is over-rated.” I thought sadly. I had spent all morning working away at the shell of my prison, but it still refused to budge. I could hear the voices of other Pokémon around me, jabbering in anticipation. I sighed. I couldn’t let them all down could I? With a huge intake of breath, I struck my paw towards the top of the shell with all my might. As soon as my paw touched it, the egg all around me began to glow a harsh white light.

I pressed myself against one of the walls, trying to make myself small. Soon the wall just disappeared and I fell back on hard ground.

“She’s here!!” a delighted, high-pitched voice shouted “Mummy, Mummy!! She’s here!

I sat up and took in what the Pokémon in front of me looked like. He was a cute red and yellow bird-like Pokémon, with a ruffle of yellow feathers around his neck. I looked at my neck. It had a huge fluffy ring of cream colored fur around it, and I had paws, whereas, the Pokémon in front of me didn’t seem to have any appendages other than legs. Luckily, I obviously wasn’t the same kind of Pokémon as him.

I cleared my throat, which was quite dry after my rough morning. “Excuse me.” I said timidly.

The Pokémon looked at me “Yes?” he said “I can’t do much until Mummy gets back, but if I can help…”

I cut him off “I really, really need something to drink.” I said “Do you have anything?”

The Pokémon’s purple eyes brightened “Of course!” he said “I’ll get you water.”

He ran off determinedly, and I lay down on the grass. It was soft and cool against my stomach. A few minutes later, the Pokémon returned with a mouthful of wet moss.

“There you go!” he said “Fresh water from the spring over there.” He gestured with his beak towards the woods behind us.

“Thanks.” I said. I leaned over and sucked the moisture from the moss before asking “Earlier you called for your mother. Where is she now?”

The Pokémon raised his head and took a deep breath. “Wherever she is, she’s nearby.”

“How can you tell?” I asked, curious to learn.

“I can smell her.” The Pokémon boasted “You probably could too, actually.”

I took a deep breath through my mouth and all sorts of scents flooded into my scent glands. I could smell the Pokémon in front of me, and my mind gave him a classification. “He’s a Torchic.” I thought “And he smells of smoke. I guess he’s a fire-type.” Another thought crossed my mind. What was I?

"Hey!" I said, getting his attention. He was sniffing at a blue flower a couple feet from me.

He looked up eagerly "Do you need something else?"

"What kind of a Pokemon am I?" I asked.

He sniffed "You look like a fox to me." He said "But my nose classifies you as a Pokemon called 'Eevee'."

Eevee. I decided to try smelling again. I took a deep breath through my nose.

“So?” The Torchic prompted “Whadaya smell?”

I inhaled again “You, and the grass, and the scent of water from when you went and got me some.”

Torchic puffed out his chest “I can smell more than that!” he boasted “Hey, can you use any attacks?”

“… I think so…” I murmured.

“Then try them out!” Torchic cried. He jumped up and tried a backflip, but ended up on his head. “Ooooow!”

“Are you ok?” I asked in concern.

“Uh, yes! Try your attacks now!” he said jumping up off the ground.

I thought for a moment, deciding which attack to use. I finally decided on Shadow Ball and took a jump.

“Shadooooow Ball!!” I shouted while the purple sphere formed in my mouth. I chose my target - a large rock next to Torchic- and launched it. It went straight for a few seconds, but then swerved toward Torchic! I saw his eyes widen in horror as it came one foot from his face.

Just then, there was a panicked cried “Sanders!!!!” A gigantic Pokémon with feathers on her head and flames around her wrist jumped out of brush. With one swift movement of her hand, she batted the Shadow Ball away. It flew harmlessly into the brush.

I crouched down, belly to the ground, hoping that she would be too busy fussing over Torchi- er- Sanders. Luck obviously wasn’t on my side, since she turned around and looked at me.

“You must have hatched from the egg I found the other day. Did you choose a name, or do I have to name you?” She said, without giving me any time to reply between sentences.

“I-I-I don’t have a name.” I said quietly.

“Well then,” she said “I’ll give you one. Let’s see… Well, I named my birth son after the sand, so I will name you after the sand as well. Sandra.”

Sandra. Little did I know that this was only my first adventure out of many.


And here it is. The adventure begins. It will get more exciting as they evolve and grow up. ^.^ Like I said this is shortish because it's our first one. Please don't judge us. TT^TT Digipoke1 will post his part in a minute or three.
Where life starts
~EifieChan

EDIT: HE WENT OFFLINE!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE COMES BACK. -.-
 
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CptDrDigi

Chickity China
Here is my version.



I paced impatiently around the egg my mother had found, amusing myself by guess what may be in there. I had really hoped that it would be a Moltres or maybe an Entei! Suddenly the egg began to glow white, startling me. I jumped back, tripping on a rock in the process.

“She’s here!!” I shouted joyfully, jumping back up to my feet. “Mummy, Mummy!! She’s here!"

Then I heard her speak softly “Excuse me." she said, I was so overjoyed. She smelt like flowers

I looked at the small brown fox. “Yes?” I said “I can’t do much until Mummy gets back, but if I can help…”

The baby fox cut me off “I really, really need something to drink.” she said “Do you have anything?”

My eyes widened in delight. She needed me to help her with something! “Of course!” I said “I’ll get you water.”

I ran off determinedly, as the small fox laid down on the grass. I searched the area around the creek for something to hold the water. After about a minute and a half of searching, I found some thick moss growing on the roots of a large maple tree.

I yanked off a big clump of it with my mouth and dipped it in the stream. When it was soaked, a ran to bring it back to the foxling.

“There you go!” I said, dropping it in front of her “Fresh water from the spring over there.” I said as I gestured with my beak towards the woods behind us.

“Thanks.” She said. She leaned over and sucked the moisture from the moss before asking “Earlier you called for your mother. Where is she now?”

I raised my head and took a deep breath. “Wherever she is, she’s nearby.”

“How can you tell?” She asked, appearing curious to learn.

“I can smell her.” I boasted “You probably could too, actually.”

She took a deep breath through her nose.

“So?” I asked, curious to know. “Whadaya smell?”

She inhaled again “You, and the grass, and the water from when you went and got me some.”

I puffed out my chest “I can smell more than that!” I boasted “Hey, can you use any attacks?”

“… I think so…” She murmured.

“Then try them out!” I shouted as I jumped up and tried a backflip, but I did it wrong and landed on my head. “Ooooow!”

“Are you ok?” She asked, cocking her head in concern.

“Uh, yes! Try your attacks now!” I said jumping up off the ground.

“Shadooooow Ball!!” She shouted while the purple sphere formed in her mouth. She then launched it at me, I had a face of pure fear as I froze in a panic state.

Just then, there was a panicked cried “Sanders!!!!” My Mother shouted as she her wrist ignited, she then deflected the ball as if it was nothing. She stood there, recovering from her shock for a moment before speaking again.


“You must have hatched from the egg I found the other day. Did you choose a name, or do I have to name you?” My Mother said, without giving the eggling any time to reply between sentences.

“I-I don’t have a name.” She said quietly.

“Well then,” Mom said “I’ll give you one. Let’s see… Well, I named my birth son after the sand, so I will name you after the sand as well; Sandra.”

My heart sort of sunk, I had really wanted to call her Flower. But Sandra was better then nothing, I guess. But from now on, we would travel together and create a special bond.
 

CuriousHeartless

Well-Known Member
Flower! HAHAHAHA! My nickname for Eifie is suggested for her character. You two are my friends, so I must ask. Was that on purpose? And I didn't really see anything other than the slight dialogues dissonance, but I know the reason for it which makes me not care. I love Sanders (btw Digipoke, what is up with you and him? You use Sanders for everything), so cute. Especially when he is thinking about what is inside. Good fic, please add me to the PM list.
 

CptDrDigi

Chickity China
Well, when i first started pokemon way back in 2003, my first starter was torchic, i named him, wait for it, Sanders, and I just liked it, so everutime I use a blaziken, i name it Sanders.
 

EifieChan

Cold *** Honky
He wants to know that answer to the Flower question, Dimwit! I think he didn't, KMG.
 

CuriousHeartless

Well-Known Member
I just realized somethings. One, digi skirted my second question. Secondly, my italisized question in my last post was meant to be strikethrough because I was kidding. Thirdly, Eevee can learn Shadow Ball.

edit: I knew it! And go the hell away team hee-hee. What's the point? Does it make you feel good hacking a forum and making millions of people hate you? And I would love to join in, but I've got no e-mail access, so unless you are willing to PM me your sides and somehow get me in, I can't. If you are willing to and can work me in however, I'd love to! I'd probably be like a Spheal, my third most favorite basic pokemon.
 
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Psychic

Really and truly
Guys, if you want to discuss co-writing this together, please take it to VM in the first place. You're just SPAMing up the thread with silly, private banter otherwise. Please be sure the rest of this conversation does indeed stay out of the thread.

Additionally, KMG, please do not respond to trolls: they do it to get a reaction, and you only make matters worse by acknowledging them.

I also would not advise stating in a public thread that anyone can see that you would be willing to help cause trouble on the forum. We don't want members who would happily run around posting mindlessly to remain on a forum where intelligent posting is encouraged.


Also, as a note on the story, I have never heard of a creature being able to speak and communicate perfectly immediately upon hatching, but the story looks cute. Best of luck with your collaboration.

~Psychic
 

BynineB

Wielding Übersaw.
ULTRA GODZILLA MEGA GIANT REVIEW GO


“Hatching is over-rated.” I thought sadly.

Just what every baby thinks before they're born.

I had spent all morning working away at the shell of my prison, but it still refused to budge. I could hear the voices of other Pokémon around me, jabbering in anticipation. I sighed. I couldn’t let them all down, could I? With a huge intake of breath, I struck my paw towards at the top of the shell with all my might. As soon as my paw touched it, the egg all around me began to glow with a harsh white light.

Your writing is generally good but it's gramatically missing the mark a lot.

I sat up and took in what the Pokémon in front of me looked like. He was a cute red and yellow bird-like Pokémon, with a ruffle of yellow feathers around his neck. I looked at my neck. It had a huge fluffy ring of cream colored fur around it, and I had paws, whereas, the Pokémon in front of me didn’t seem to have any appendages other than legs. Luckily, I obviously wasn’t the same kind of Pokémon as him.

Don't Torchic have wings, unless I'm quite mistaken?.. Those are appendages.

The Pokémon looked at mePLACEPERIODHERE “Yes?” he saidPLACEPERIODHERE “I can’t do much until Mummy gets back, but if I can help…”

Aaaaugh, this seems to be a problem you have a lot. It's:
I looked at him. "What do you mean, the trout is purple?"
Not:
I looked at him "What do you mean, the trout is purple?"

This is a clerical grammatic error, so it's not hard to fix.

“Thanks.” I said. I leaned over and sucked the moisture from the moss before asking “Earlier you called for your mother. Where is she now?"

... Why is it talking like it's a businessman? Have you ever heard a baby say "mother"?

I took a deep breath through my mouth and all sorts of scents flooded into my scent glands. I could smell the Pokémon in front of me, and my mind gave him a classification. “He’s a Torchic.” I thought “And he smells of smoke. I guess he’s a fire-type.” Another thought crossed my mind. What was I?

Wait, it knows what a Torchic is? Whaaa.. are all Pokemon born with an encylopedia installed?

He sniffed "You look like a fox to me." He said "But my nose classifies you as a Pokemon called 'Eevee'."

youhadtochooseeeveedidn'tyou
I guess not only do they know what foxes are, they know every species of Pokemon. C'est convienent.


I thought for a moment, deciding which attack to use. I finally decided on Shadow Ball and took a jump.

youhadtogiveaneeveeshadowballdidn'tyou
If I had a nickel for every adventure story featuring an Eevee with special powers..

“You must have hatched from the egg I found the other day. Did you choose a name, or do I have to name you?” She said, without giving me any time to reply between sentences.

All two sentences. One of which was a statement and didn't need a response. Ho.



... Well, there are a few areas you need to work on especially. Thinking out the logic in your statements (Genius Babies ahoy) and being a bit more creative with your characters. I'll be honest, Eevee is everywhere, and Torchic isn't exactly unpopular either. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's rather a turnoff. Still, though, your style itself isn't half bad, and if you fix these areas you might turn out some great work. Good luck!

(I have no idea what's going on with the co-author stuff but, uh, you take that advice too. I guess.)
 

EifieChan

Cold *** Honky
LOL. Yeah she's smart. Who knows how smart pokemon are when they are born. In the anime they are always soooo smart when they hatch, so why not? LOL Mother was a slip-up actually. It wasn't supposed to be there. XD
 

Corrosion

Hello Kitty =/= Cat
Review TIME!!! XD

I paced impatiently around the egg my mother had found, amusing myself by guessing what may be in there.

Then I heard her speak softly PERIOD “Excuse me." she said, I was so overjoyed. She smelt like flowersPERIOD

I looked at the small brown fox. “Yes?” I saidCOMMA/PERIOD “I can’t do much until Mummy gets back, but if I can help…”

The baby fox cut me offCOMMA/PERIOD “I really, really need something to drink.” she saidCOMMA/PERIOD “Do you have anything?”

My eyes widened in delight. She needed me to help her with something! “Of course!” I saidCOMMA “I’ll get you water.”

I ran off determinedly, as the small fox laid down on the grass. I searched the area around the creek for something to hold the water IN. After about a minute and a half of searching, I found some thick moss growing on the roots of a large maple tree.

I yanked off a big clump of it with my mouth and dipped it in the stream. When it was soaked, aI ran to bring it back to the foxling.

“There you go!” I said, dropping it in front of herCOMMA/PERIOD “Fresh water from the spring over there.” I said as I gestured with my beak towards the woods behind us.

“Thanks.” She said. She leaned over and sucked the moisture from the moss before askingCOMMA “Earlier you called for your mother. Where is she now?”


“I can smell her.” I boastedCOMMA “You probably could too, actually.”


She inhaled againCOMMA/PERIOD “You, and the grass, and the water from when you went and got me some.”

I puffed out my chestPERIOD “I can smell more than that!” I boastedPERIOD “Hey, can you use any attacks?”

“Uh, yes! Try your attacks now!” I saidCOMMA jumping up off the ground.

“Shadooooow Ball!!” She shouted while the purple sphere formed in her mouth. She then launched it at me, I had a face of pure fear as I froze in a panic statestate of panic.

Just then, there was a panicked criedCOMMA “Sanders!!!!” My MUNCAPITALIZE THE "M"other shouted as she her wrist ignited, she then deflected the ball as if it was nothing. She stood there, recovering from her shock for a moment before speaking again.


“You must have hatched from the egg I found the other day. Did you choose a name, or do I have to name you?” My MUNCAPITALIZE THE "M"other said, without giving the egglinghatchling any time to reply between sentences.

“I-I don’t have a nameCOMMASUNCAPITALIZE THE 'S'he said quietly.

“Well then,” Mom saidCOMMA/PERIOD “I’ll give you one. Let’s see… Well, I named my birth son after the sand, so I will name you after the sand as well; Sandra.”

I put all the changes in bold. You might not want to use such common Pokemon in fan-fic writing such as Eevee, but if you really want to, be my guest. Torchic is also popular, but is but a whisper in the wind next to Eevee. Did you run this through Microsoft Word, or another word correcting thing like that? It would get rid of your grammar mistakes.
 

EifieChan

Cold *** Honky
Actually, it isn't about an Eevee. We're merely giving you guys a little background before the REAL adventure starts. It's called "evolution". The story is supposed to be about an Umbreon and a Blaziken. :-/ Just keep reading.
 
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