• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

The Adventures of Brendan Ruby

Pottsie

I'm Back
Pokémon - The Adventures of Brendan Ruby
This is another attempt at a Trainer Fic (Expecting loads of flames), but I hope there isn't this time, since I've tried to change several things about the Fic, including things like the fact that Birch won't have a son/daughter and several Pokémon that don't appear in R/S/E will appear. Also, I've taken Yami Ryu's advice into consideration in past attempts at Trainer Fics and will try to use the advice in my Fics. If you don't like Trainer Fics, don't bother reading or commenting.

This Fic is about the forgotten Character, Brendan and I thought that he would be a good Character to use as a main Character and several Fics on Fanfiction.net are based on him, so I thought I would do the same. I've given Ruby as his surname, because the Manga Character (I don't read the Manga or watch the Anime) is based on Brendan. Also two pages from Word looks way shorter on the Forums.

And for anyone who is interested, this is another Fic (Non-Pokémon Fic) I wrote here.

Prologue
Goldenrod City was the greatest place to live. Well, that was Brendan Ruby’s opinion. Goldenrod was the largest city in Johto and besides Brendan's house, there was a Game Corner for all the gamblers, a Bicycle Shop where Bicycles were sold and were Brendan had bought his own Bicycle and the train station, which took its passengers to Saffron City in the Kanto Region. Brendan, unlike most kids of his age had white hair and he wore crimson coloured clothing and he had blue eyes. He was quick to anger and he had a phobia for bugs of any size. Brendan had lived in Goldenrod all his life, with his mother and father. His father, Norman was a Pokémon Trainer, who was trying to find a job as a local Gym Leader, since he did have the qualifications to be one. He was interested in Normal type Pokémon and he had raised them all of his life, since he was ten years old. Despite his son being fourteen, Brendan had never begun his Pokémon journey, like his mother, Caroline. Of course his mother had never been interested in going on a Pokémon journey, but Brendan, like his father was. His father hadn’t let Brendan become a Trainer, telling him the same thing every year, “Maybe next year”. Brendan had become annoyed, that he wasn’t allowed to start his Pokémon journey like his father had. However, Brendan had learnt about Pokémon at the school in Violet City. The only things that weren’t taught at the school were things like how to raise Pokémon efficiently or how to catch a Pokémon easily. But Brendan didn’t care. He wasn’t going to become a Trainer if his father kept preventing him from getting his Pokémon licence. Brendan decided to stop asking his parents and as he got older, he gave up on trying to be a Trainer.

One day, Brendan had taken a walk, like he always did when the weather was good. On that walk, he had found an egg in a nest. Brendan didn’t feel like leaving the egg unaccompanied without its parents, so Brendan decided to wait until either of its parents decided to return. Brendan waited for over an hour and nothing happened. In the end, he picked up the egg and put it in his backpack to keep it warm. When Brendan returned home with the egg, neither of his parents told him off from taking the egg, but they advised him to keep it warm. His father had told him that the egg wouldn’t hatch for several months, so Brendan made it his duty to look after the egg, despite the fact he wasn’t a Trainer.

*****​

Three months after the events of finding the egg, Brendan had received some bad news after returning home from school. They had decided to move, due to his father finally receiving his dream job as a Gym Leader. Brendan knew that if there were a position to be a Gym Leader in Johto, his family wouldn’t need to move. His mother had told him that they were moving to Littleroot Town in the region of Hoenn. Brendan had heard about Hoenn from his mother. It was similar to Johto, but according to his mother, it had different Gym Leaders, a different Elite Four and a different Pokémon professor. Other than that, Brendan had no idea what Hoenn was like. Brendan’s family were moving in a week. Brendan’s grades at school were failing, due to the fact that he was angry at moving from the one place he had lived all his life. He had even told his parents how he felt, but his father just ignored him and his mother always told him that it would be hard for Norman to come home from Hoenn. In the end, Brendan understood and didn’t complain, but he still felt angry about going to Hoenn.

*****​

The moving day had arrived quicker than Brendan had expected. Brendan could hear the distinct sound of a diesel engine as a moving van pulled up to the Ruby household, a large, two-story brick structure with a moderately sloped roof and brown trim. The van was coloured red and labelled "Tri-City Relocation Services" on the cargo area. The vehicle featured a Ford E-450 chassis and a large, 20' cube body. A man approached and released two Pokémon from his Pokémon’s Poké Balls. The two Pokémon were both Machokes. Machoke was a Fighting type Pokémon. According to the search engines on the computers at school, Brendan found out that Machokes were muscular Pokémon that were so strong, that they could even lift up a sumo wrestler with ease.

“Brendan, while the driver and I are talking, why don’t you help the Machokes pack?” Brendan’s father asked.

“Sure,” Brendan told his father, leading the two Machokes to his bedroom.

On his desk, the egg that he had rescued sat as still as a statue. Brendan picked up the egg and put it in his backpack. He then told the two Machoke to pack everything that was in his bedroom. He didn’t want to leave anything behind. In only five minutes, the Machoke had packed everything into one of the moving vans. Brendan stood in his now empty room and adored it for one last time. He would miss his room. The turquoise wallpaper, the laminated floor and the door that stood on it's dodgy hinges. The only question Brendan had in his mind was if his new room would be as good.

“Hey kid!” The driver shouted from downstairs, “We’ve got to go!”

Brendan sighed and ran downstairs. The driver handed him a note. Brendan read the note to himself. It read:

Dear Brendan,
Your father and I have had to leave to unpack some of the stuff into our new home. We’ve told the driver of the other van to let you ride in his van. Sorry honey.
From your loving parents


Brendan sighed and folded the letter and put it in his pocket.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Brendan told the driver, “I think it’s time to leave.”

*****​

Brendan was about to get into the van, but the driver stopped him.

“Sorry kid, but there is no room in the front,” The driver told him, but Brendan knew he was lying, because of the spare seats, “That is where my two Machokes sit. You’re going to have to sit with the stuff. Enjoy.”

The driver opened the back doors of the van and Brendan jumped in. The driver slammed the doors and locked them. All Brendan could see was darkness. He sighed for about the third time that day and sat in the van, waiting to see his new home. Brendan had a feeling that he wouldn’t like anything about Hoenn.
 
Last edited:

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
Okay, description needs improvement. You do realize that there are other people named Brendan besides the kid with white hair from the games, right? What's he look like, what's his personality like?

The environment wasn't described, either. You could have mentioned what their house looked like, the appearance of Goldenrod, even what brand and color the moving van was.

Brendan could hear the distinct sound of a diesel engine as a moving van pulled up to the Ruby household, a large, two-story brick structure with a moderately sloped roof and brown trim. The van was colored red and labeled "Tri-City Relocation Services" on the cargo area. The vehicle featured a Ford E-450 chassis and a large, 20' cube body.

This is looking like a cliche Hoenn adventure fic, including the character riding in the back of the van. The whole "riding in the cargo hold of a moving truck" is one of the most riduculous parts of RSE. It is illegal in the US and highly dangerous as well (I'm inclined to write a parody one-shot fic where a plasma TV falls on top of the trainer en route, and closing the fic with "SEAT BELTS SAVE LIVES".)

Okay, basic US highway safety laws aside, there is plenty of room for explanation. Why does Norman not want his son to train Pokemon? Why is he accepting this job in Hoenn? Did he want a promotion? Was Petalburg's old gym leader busted on drug possession and kidnapping charges? These things that the game does not explain, are fair game for interpretation here. I hope you plan on adding in more description and adding some originality to this for future installments. I don't want this to play out like a play-through of the games.
 
Last edited:

Pottsie

I'm Back
Well thanks for your advice. I'll see about describing Norman's reasons for not wanting Brendan to be a Pokémon Trainer in the next Chapter when Brendan recieves his first Pokémon (Same R/S/E Starters). And for the others, I'll edit the first Chapter and see if that is any better. Thanks for your advice once again.
 

Goldliop

Powerplay Champion
I like the use of the word "crimson to describe his clothing... a truly underused color...
but watch the run-on sentences, it seems as if you're trying to fit a lot in right now.
The conversations seem a little stale right now too,
i'm confused as to when a mover would use perfect grammar.
but with some fixes...
this could be a really interesting story:)
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
I noticed that you directly copied my description in your story. In the future, try to write up your own descriptions. The only way you get better at writing description is through practice.

Also, you have down that you're from England. I don't think you should be describing the truck as 20' (20 feet) long since you use the metric system. And I'm not sure that Ford imports their E-series vans over to England either.
 

Pottsie

I'm Back
I noticed that you directly copied my description in your story. In the future, try to write up your own descriptions. The only way you get better at writing description is through practice.

Also, you have down that you're from England. I don't think you should be describing the truck as 20' (20 feet) long since you use the metric system. And I'm not sure that Ford imports their E-series vans over to England either.

Yeah, I will. I was tired and was trying to fix several of the mistakes. Hopefully Chapter 1 will be better. I'll try not to give up on this.
 

Ancient Chaos

That Guy Over There
Also, you have down that you're from England. I don't think you should be describing the truck as 20' (20 feet) long since you use the metric system. And I'm not sure that Ford imports their E-series vans over to England either.
that realy doesnt matter since it takes place in hoenn.

it's realy good i cant wait for more
 

Pottsie

I'm Back
that realy doesnt matter since it takes place in hoenn.

it's realy good i cant wait for more

Thanks Ancient Chaos. I'll try to get Chapter 1 up as soon as possible.
 

Tezza

Bird Master
Heyah mate, let's have a look.

My first advice is not to classify yourself as a Trainer Fic, yes you are but its like locking yourself into a stereotype. You're trying to convince us it isn't a typical one. I've noticed in this flames are very rare. I don't think I've seen one yet. Try not to tell us what will happen either, we'd like to find out things for ourselves *wink*

And don't think in terms of 'pages in word' because pages is a decieving measurement. You can change how many pages you write by size and choice of font, and paragraphing. Think in terms of number of words per chapter. Two thousand words is a nice round number to begin with and it will focus your eye for the right amount of detail and description.

Maybe space your paragraphs too. One paragraph per topic, or one paragraph if its particuarly interesting so I would have 'Goldenrod City was the greatest place to live.' as a line on its own, then start new lines at 'Brendan, unlike most', 'Brendan had live' 'Despite his son.'



Why does he think Goldenrod's good? So its the largest city in Johto, what does it have to offer him? What do you look for in a town? A variety of stores, convience of distance, the hustle and bustle knowing you're never alone? What does a he want with a Gamecorner, kid's aren't allowed inside until they're of legal age and having gambling addicts probably isn't a good thing.

Some of the things you also state are obvious, for example, bicycles are sold in bicycle shops.

The grammar in that sentence is wrong too. It sounds like he bought a bicycle and a trainstation rather than there was a bicycle shop and a train station. A great thing to do when picking up grammar is to read things aloud and listen to what it sounds like. Its much more tangible then seeing dots on paper, yes?


Your introduction to him as a character is blunt. 'He is this and he is this and he looks like that'... Come on! I'm sure you have a bit of artistic flair!

You know, I've never actually said this directly but I recommend writing in first person. I think first person is a great learning tool for beginners because its so easy to slip into. You can describe things easier because if you write in first person its really easy to close your eyes and describe what 'you' see. Not only what you see but all of your senses. What you see, what you hear, what you smell. What you feel think, why you feel and think those things.

In first person many things become easier. Bias for instance, and with bias comes personality. Pace too, because it encourages you to introduce information when the occasion arises.

For example you say he has a temper and a fear of bugs, but instead of just saying it, give us an example.

As I strolled down the path I saw a gleam of yellow resting against a treetrunk and drawing closer it was clearly a cacoon. Oh, it was a Kakuna. There was always something I disliked, no I guess afraid was a better description, about bug types. Even ones that couldn't move were disgusting and I sidestepped to be as far away from it as possible. Suddenly it shuddered and I gave a yelp, backing away even more, but it was still again.

"Phew," I sighed happily, picking myself out of the dirt with an embarrassed chuckle. I gazed off through the leaves of the forest I noticed something. A cluster of twigs and sticks, a nest. Poking out of the top of it I could see the bulge of an egg.

See? See the picture I painted in your head, and the information I introduced in a casual way? I admit, you can do all that stuff above in third person, but I found I learned best in first person.

Well, I'll see how that info sinks in, and remember mine are only suggestions. If you feel comfortable in third person, go for it! Otherwise revise,

  • Paragraphing
  • Rereading for grammar
  • Rereading to see if it sounds like a story, not just a bunch of information thrown at us
  • Use your senses to paint a picture.
  • Personality and artistic flair

Good luck in your writing adventures, Ta!
 

Pottsie

I'm Back
Thanks for your helpful advice Tezza. I'll consider those points.
 
Top