The adventures of the trio! Kanto style!

[Solar boy Nick]

well my first poke book hope you like it
1 CHAPTER ONE 1
when our trio Wally Brendan and May started the battle frontier and they defeated all of them they wanted to go back home and ahere it starts
Brendan:So what you gonna do today?
May:Well first im gonna help my dad clean the gym becouse i caina broke on the gym badge chalange.
???:Guys wait up!
May and Brendan:What!!!
Well it was Scoot and Lucy.
Scoot:We opend a new Batle facility!
Lucy:Quit it Boss!Well yes we opend something new.Wanna go?
Brendan:Well it sounds...
May:Interesting
Brendan*thinking*:and i thought Liza and Tate were the Psychic ones!
Scoot:So come on its not far
and they go there it was a short surf from the
May:Kyogre surf attack!cmon you guys
Brendan:No way.Walrein GO!
And they surfed wen Walrein got bited by 2 sharpedos and brendan dived for the problem he didnt know how to swim.
???:dont worry i save you brendan!
It was wally but he was flying and he catched him
May*surprised*:How do you know to fly Wally!
Wally:I didnt fly i leviteted!
Evrybody:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wally:no bigy it was Gardevoir it used Psychic on me wile flyng on altaria.Altaria here boy!
And they araved it was a heart shaped Restorunt it was a milotic and a gyarados doing a heart Shape
Brendan May and Wally:WOW!
Lucyretty cool my design.
Scoot: My money!
So lets go in and it was so cool there was a play room with Liza and Tate.ther was an Battery collection for Wattson a gym for Brawly and Flanery and a game corner for Winona well first May and Brendan were Having a date Wally hit the arcade and Lucy to the gym well the was great and they eat till
May:So were you going after
Brendan:Well i wanted to tell you But
PokeNav:Match call from Steven!Match Call from Steven.
Brendan:may wait a minute Ok! *low voice* ok Steven il go... *normal voice*Sorry May ive gotta go .Sorry ill Call you ok.*leaves fast*
May:Whats up with Him?And why ive gotta Pay!!!*angry*
See next time . brendans in kanto and may tries to fallow him will she socuseds?See next time!

 

[Literate]

Okay. O_O First there's spelling. Spell correctly.

Then there's grammar. Write correctly. Plus punctuate.

Kay, Paragraphing. Have one line space between two paragraphs.

Next, A script isn't allowed unless it is properly written. Like someone could act it out.

Then originality. O_O No comment.

Bascially, it's not too good. And I'm being soft. Read the "Advice for Aspiring Authors" Okay? Then you'll get an idea how to post something like this.

 

[Dilasc]

If this is an effort, then I'm on Slimfaft. Since I don't even know what a Slimfaft is, this story isn't even close to an actual effort.

Let's take a look at why. First, let's look at your rating. You had a two out of five with four votes. Now, that means a total of eight stars are in your hands. I'm going to guess that three people have (wisely, might I add) given you a one star rating. I'm gonna guess, probably correctly, that you have given yourself a five star rating! Shame on you! I will lower that rating right now, the way it deserves to be.

Anyway, on to the story itself, so listen up, would ya? You have a script format! That's bad! That's so very, very bad! You should not write in poor script format, as it proves you put even less effort than you already did. Either fix that or find that this thread will definitely be closed some time. I hate to sound mean, but that's what will happen, more than likely. You may want to work on your grammar too, and find a proof reader. You'll probably need one.

 

[Demise]

What...the...hell...is...that...supposed...to..be?!?!?! O_O

First of all...it's horrible. And why?

1. You made the fic a script

2. You're a newbie, and possibly had not read the sticky!

3. Horrible grammar, I don't even want to correct it

4. It's too short, for a chapter.

5. Over all...its horrible!!!

There shouldn't be a fic like this. Nice original plot, but its wasted on someone, who doesn't know how to write a story.

Five-Star rating, *snorts*, well that certainly will attract amateur authors to it, to see how you write. Maybe you should read the 'Advice for Aspiring Authors'.

Gawd!!!! This chapter looks like it has been done for only five minutes! No one' going to read something this bad. You will rarely get any comments, only critques...no, no...statements that doesn't make you improve, it tells how bad you are, and how you have to sit down in front of a Grammar school book and read from Cover to Cover.

I honor your plot, but its not going to shine if you have a script and bad grammar, plus a very short chapter.

Someone should consult a mod, to close it down. Read the STICKY!!!!!! Before you post any amateur stories on the net.

Eevee says: Tasch! ;133;

 

[Psychic]

>.< Please, for the love of cheese, read the Forum Stickies before posting! They're must-reads for beginning writers like yourself, and they're really impossible to miss, so you have no reason not to have read them. Just because you're new, doesn't mean you can ignore all the Rules.


Now, the story itself. Well, I won't lie; it's pretty bad. You must be very arrogant to think it deserves more than two stars, and that's the honest truth. It breaks TWO of the FanFiction Rules; it's a script, which is usually frowned upon by most people, and they are only allowed if done well:

9) NO script fanfictions unless they are properly written scripts. Properly written means I could give it to two idiots who can read and sides from probably not having the costumes, they could act it out perfectly. I’m talking Shakesphere or Arthur Miller quality, not because you were just too lazy.

Also, Chapters must be AT LEAST a page long in length. How do you know if it's a page long? Well, copy/paste your chapter onto Microsoft Word, and see for yourself. MS Word is a very handy program that ALL writers are supposed to use, as it will help you correct all your mistakes, which you have a LOT of, especially in the punctuation area. Nobody wants to read a fic with all kinds of mistakes in it, so using any program similar to Word is great.



Now other than that, it's really hard to comment on the fic itself, just because it was written so poorly. I STRONGKY advise you to read Advice for Aspiring Authors to learn many of the dos and don'ts of Fic writing. I mean, though your characters had no personalities, they were really Mary-Sueish and Gary-Stuish. And not only have they beaten pretty much all the Frontier Leaders, but their heartless Pokémon (NO personality whatsoever) are Uber strong, and they have Legendaries, making them overpowered right from the start.


Seriously, you need to learn your way around. Read the Stickies, as well as some five-star fics to get the idea of how fics should look. There's only so much anyone can help you with.

~Psychic

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

CHAPTER ONE​

When our trio, Wally, Brendan and May, started the Battle Frontier and defeated all of them, they wanted to go back home and where it began.

Brendan said,

"So, what you gonna do today?"

"Well, first I'm gonna help my dad clean the gym because I kinda broke it on the Gym Badge challenge.May replied.

Suddenly, a voice cried out,

"Guys, wait up!"

"What!?" exclaimed Brendan and May, in unison.

The unknown speakers appeared - it was Scoot and Lucy.

Scoot told them,

"We opened a new Battle facility!"

"Quit it Boss!Well, yes, we opened something new. Wanna go?" Lucy enquired.

"Well, it sounds..." Brendan began.

"Interesting," May finished.

And I thought Liza and Tate were the Psychic ones! Brendan thought to himself.

"So come on! It's not far," Scoot urged them.

So off they went. It was a short surf from the (um, I really don't know what's meant to go here.)

"Kyogre, Surf attack! C'mon, you guys!" May said as she released her pokemon and ordered it to Surf.

"No way.Walrein, GO!" Brendan said, refusing to join May on Kyogre.

Eventually, they left, Surfing. Then Walrein got bitten by two Sharpedos and brendan dived for it. The problem was, he didn't know how to swim.

"Don't worry! I'll save you, Brendan!" a voice called.

The speaker was Wally but Wally was flying and he caught Brendan.

"How do you know to fly, Wally!?" May asked, surprised.

"I didn't fly i levitated!" Wally replied.

Everybody was astonished.

"No biggy. It was Gardevoir who used Psychic on me while flying on Altaria. Altaria! Here, boy!" Wally explained, summoning his pokemon.

Then they arrived. The building was a heart shaped restaurant with a Milotic and a Gyarados forming the heart shape.

"WOW!" Brendan, May and Wally exclaimed in unison.

"Pretty cool. My design," Lucy informed them.

"My money!" Scoot put in.

So they went in and it was so cool - there was a play room with Liza and Tate. There was an battery collection for Wattson, a Gym for Brawly and Flannery and a game corner for Winona. First, while May and Brendan were having a date, Wally hit the arcade and Lucy went to the gym. It was great and they ate until,

"So, were you going after..." May started to ask.

"Well, I wanted to tell you. But -" Brendan was cut off by the PokeNav as in beeped, informing him,

Match call from Steven! Match call from Steven.

"May, wait a minute, okay?" Brendan told her, then spoke in a low voice into his PokeNav, "Okay, Steven, I'll go..." before finishing in his normal voice, "Sorry, May, Ive gotta go. Sorry, I'll call you, okay?"

With that, Brendan left quickly.

"What's up with him? And why've I gotta pay!?" May said, angrily.

Next time: Brendan's in Kanto and May tries to follow him. Will she succeed? See next time!

And THAT is approximately what your story might look like once the conventions of spelling, grammar and punctuation are applied to it. Methinks that this is the major thing for you to work on. Your ideas and creativity are going VERY strong, but unless you convey them to your readers in a way your readers can understand, your story isn't likely to be successful - simply cause people won't understand and may not got to the effort of finding out what you're talking about.

My advice: You're obviously new to this, so I suggest two things to you. Firstly, run what you write through a Spellchecker before you post it. This will help to catch silly spelling mistakes. But Spellcheckers HAVE been known to make mistakes, so I also recommend you get a beta reader. A beta reader is just someone who proofreads your work before you post it to make sure there's no errors in there. To get a beta, find someone who knows how to use English properly and ask them very nicely if they would proofread for you. This can be a parent, a relative, a friend (either online or offline) or just someone nice you've seen around the forums and who you know can do the job.

Mmm... as for the story itself, apart from a lack of description, I think you've done quite a plaudable job so far. ^^ Congratulations. Your idea for the story, as I mentioned before, is highly original. What's more, you've managed to bring it across to the reader in a style that's refreshingly young and eager. Although a lot of the enthusiasm is overdone, it's very tangible and lends to your story an energetic cheeriness that's a pleasure to read.

Here's a few pointers to help you with the next chapter.

1. Please don't use script format. What that means is don't put:

May: Something.
Brendan: Something else.

Instead, try something like this:

"Something," said May.

"Something else," said Brendan.

The example I've given is, of course, extremely bland and boring - as are the adjustments I made to your prologue. Ideally, you could aim for something like:

"Something," May muttered dully, eyes downcast and index finger picking at her trainer belt.

"Something else," Brendan replied quietly, frowning, as he reached out tentatively to put his hand on her shoulder.

Can you see that the last one gives a lot more detail about the emotional state of the speakers? It also provides a lot more information about what they're meaning than the words they're speaking. Even though they're only saying 'Something' and 'Something else', it's hopefully clear to see that May is upset and Brendan is trying to comfort her.

It's that sort of subtly that you can get by using alternatives to 'said'. 'Murmured', 'bellowed', 'howled' and 'drawled' are a few of my favourites. Of course, they aren't always appropriate and you'll probably have to hunt around to find ones that'll work. A thesaurus can help you there.

Anyway, don't worry too much about variety now - it's more important to just get the story out of script format.

2. Perhaps turn the excitement down a notch or so?

Evrybody:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a little work, you could probably turn that one line into a paragraph telling your readers how each of the characters showed their astonishment. That way, you could still convey shock and amazement, but you'd look more professional about doing it. In general, more than two exclamation marks in the same place is a sign that the writer hasn't bothered to put the emotion in the speech into words. Don't let yourself be labelled like that!

And apart from appearance issues, there's the fact that 'real' people don't often get as excited as that. By allowing your characters to get 'hyper', you make them seem less 'real'. When that happens, it gets easier to see them as names on a page than to imagine them as people experiencing real emotion. Possibly that's because humans are so complex. Even in the heat of excitement, there's generally a few other moderating ideas and emotions in the back of someone's mind to prevent them getting QUITE so hyper. Eh. Overall, it wasn't too bad - it certainly added to that freshness I mentioned earlier! ^^

3. Just a quick formatting point - please don't use symbols instead of words! Meaning, don't put '2' in place of 'two'. It takes little longer, but it makes your work look more professional. It's sort of the same with the many exclamation marks instead of a paragraph. Both are shortcuts and since a lot of the readers around these forums are writers themselves, they probably won't respect you a lot if you take shortcuts they made effort to avoid. You could lose readers that way. Eh, it might be a pain but, as I said, it makes your work simply appear to be of a higher quality.

And that, I think, will do it for now. I'm sorry to blabber on so much. You can probably guess what my problem as a writer is - expressing what I want to but NOT doing it in a way that takes pages and pages. In short, being succinct. ^^ ;Anyway, this apparently massive amount of criticism can be roughly condensed into three main points - please get rid of the technical errors (incorrect grammar/spelling/punctuation), calm down in your writing (just a little) and don't take shortcuts. And the massive size of this review is, in a way, a compliment. It means I think you can handle the criticism and use it - a task which really DOES take a lot of skill.

So congratulations! Please put this beginning to good use! Oh, and if you want anything in this review explained or expanded upon or if you want anything else in your story commented on, let me know!

Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[D-Man]

pretty good

 

[Solar boy Nick]

This time im aint wrong.

Sorry about the script style my big brother said its the most popular thing well i hope this works
Chapter 2 :the starters and the trainer
Im so tired from that taken 5 game" Said Wally with a huge yawn "Im sleepy like a Snorlax and tired like a slowking"And again he made a huge yawn.
Well May Sited with Skitty and they aete ice cream together and Blazy(Blaziken) was eating spicy for the future Contests well May was feeling cold like her ice-cream.But she had to fallow him but she didnt new and she thinked and had an idea.
"Skitty,Mind Reader quick till Brendan isnt too far!"said May fast like a rampaging Rhyhorn.
"Skitty,kitty"said Skitty but it listened to May and it scratched on the flloor a weird Word BUT May read it it was"KANto"
"Ok whats kanto?"Said May like a question to herself.
"Easy A region Kanto,Johto and our Hoeen!"an unown figure replide.
The unown figure was Wally with a bottle of A.J.(Apple juise)With Greta Breelom and Gardevoir.Steven was there two and explained Scoot why he send Brendan to Kanto and Scoot sayd To May and wally to go on a boat to kanto when get to there they go to birchs and oaks new lab.
And like in any any adventure there were 3 starter.
"I want ...(the 3 starters)' the trio replied to there Mind
"Not so fast!"Said oak "first ya gota do something to me !"
See next episode in 19 hours see ya next time tomarow to start the REAL ADVENTURE.
see ya guys tomarow i hope this time its ok.

 

[D-Man]

i already told to you that you are a good fan fic-er

 

[Jonouchi]

Let's see. Hardly any description, too short, improper grammar...

You failed to improve from last time. I suggest reading the Advice for Aspiring Authors sticky, some 5 star fics to get some ideas on how to write (Don't steal story ideas though) and the rules. Those will help you. This is most likely going to get closed if you don't improve greatly

 

[Dias]

Well, as others have pointed out, script is not allowed unless it is done very well and corectly, which this isn't. Good advice was given by other members, many pointed out the no script rule, and the length requirement. You chose to ignore the advice and go on again as you started, with another chapter which breaks the rules. Script is not allowed, regardless if someone told you it was popular or not (note: I don't know of many people who prefer script to prose in a fanfiction). I would suggest you take everyone's else advice to ehart and read the rules and advice topics stickied in this forum before trying again with an adequate fanfic.

For the reasons above, closed.