The Adventures of Trainer Chris and Trainer Belle

[Dr. Anime]

I've begun a weekly Poke'mon fan fiction about my girlfriend and I as Poke'mon trainers. I post a new episode every Friday. I've only been doing this for two weeks, so only the first two episodes are out. But I will post more here as I write them. My girlfriend will be drawing fan arts to go with my fan fiction, but due to time restraints, she has been unable to finish any as of yet. As she creates them, I will post her fan arts here as well.

Without further ado, here's my fan fic.

Episode 1: Happy Birthday Belle!

"So the day is finally here.." says Chris to his best pal. "We've been waiting so long to give Belle her birthday present. I'm so excited! Are you excited too, Bubbasaur? "Bulbaaaaa!!!" exclaims the Bulbasaur with the damaged bulb. "Look! We're almost to the lab! Race you there!!", yells the trainer as he and his Poke'mon sprint into a run towards Professor Oak's lab.

"Awww....you beat me!", says Chris as he reaches the door second. "Saurrrrr!", taunts Bulbasaur. Chris rings the door bell. Shortly, a man in his mid 20's answers. "Hi Tracey!", says Chris happily. Tracey smiles and answers, "Oh, hi Chris! Hello Bubbasaur! The professor is waiting for you. Follow me!" Tracy leads Chris and Bubbasaur to an elderly man with a cane. "Professor! Chris is here." Professor Oak smiles and makes a waving motion. "Welcome back Chris! I see Bubbasaur is still healthy as ever. That injured bulb of his never slowing him down in the slightest!". "Bulbasaur!", responds Bubbasaur proudly. "So, is everything all set?" , asks Chris. "Of course! She's inside this ball, all ready to go.", says the professor grabbing a Poke'ball decorated with blue and yellow jewels off his desk and handing it to Chris. "Thank you professor. I hope it wasn't too much trouble. But if I had kept her at my house, Belle deffinately would've seen her.", says Chris. Professor Oak smiles and holds up his palm, "Oh no, she was no trouble at all. Tracey and I enjoyed having her here at the lab very much. She's a very sweet Poke'mon. I know Belle will love her!" Professor Oak leans on his cane and rises from his chair. "Well, we'd better not keep the birthday girl waiting." Chris and Tracey smile and nod, "Right!"

Chris, Bubbasaur, Tracey, and Professor Oak all arrive at Belle's home. Belle opens the door before they even have a chance to ring the doorbell. "You all made it!" she yells as she throws her arms around Chris, hugging him tightly. Chris returns the hug and says, "Of course! We'd be really dumb not to!". "Mom and Dad are out buying the cake. But make yourselves comfortable! Come in! Come in!", says Belle excitedly as she tugs on Chris's arm. All five of them sit down in Belle's living room. Chris glances at Professor Oak, who nods at him approvingly. Chris looks at Belle nerviously and holds out the small wrapped giftbox. "Happy Birthday Belle! I hope you like this. It took Bubbasaur and I a long time to find." "Saur." says Bubbasaur in agreement. "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!", yips Belle as she rips open the giftbox. She pulls out the jeweled Poke'ball and says, "Oh my! How beautiful! Thank you Chris." Chris and Bubbasaur form sweatdrops behind their heads. "Um Belle", says Chris "The present is inside the Poke'ball." "Oooohhhhh...", says Belle as she taps the ball on the coffee table. A white beam emerges from the ball and takes shape on the floor. And there, staring up at Belle is the cutest Pikachu with sky blue eyes and a big blue bow on her head. "PiPiPi!", exclaims the released Poke'mon. Belle jumps up and stands on her seat, her eyes shining and sparkling with glee. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", squeels Belle at the adorable Pikachu before her. "OMG SHE'S ADORABLE!!! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A PIKACHU!!!!" Belle leaps off her seat and on to the floor. She picks up the Pikachu and hugs her tightly. "I know just what to name you...PikaSue!!!", she exclaims. "Pikachu!" says PikaSue in approval. Belle turns to Chris, "Oh thank you Chris!!" she yells as she runs to him and uber glomps him. "You're the best friend ever!!!" Chris laughs and hugs her back tightly, "You're welcome! I'm so glad that you like her! And you're my best friend too!" "BULB!", yells Bubbasaur looking up at the two in envy. Chris laughs again, "But I can't take all the credit. Bubbasaur is the one who spotted her first and battled with her so that I could capture her." Belle kneels down next to Bubbasaur and gives him an uber glomp too. "Thank you Bubbasaur!!", she exclaims. "Bulbasaurbulba!", answers Bubbasaur as he nuzzles her.

Professor Oak clears his throat getting everyone's attention. "Well now, I'd say it's Tracey and I's turn to give presents." Professor Oak reaches into his lab coat pocket and pulls out a Poke'dex. Now that you're 14 and have your first Poke'mon, you're ready to set out on your journey as a Poke'mon Trainer! Belle takes the Poke'dex and hugs Professor Oak, "Thank you Professor, but I don't know if PikaSue and I are ready to start our journey alone...." Oak laughs, "Who ever said that you'd be going alone?" He reaches into his pocket again and pulls out a second Poke'dex, "Chris and Bubbasaur will be going with you!" "SERIOUSLY?!?!", exclaims both Belle and Chris at the same time. "Yep, you'll be able to start your journey together tomorrow morning!" "THANK YOU PROFESSOR!!!", yell Belle and Chris again simultaneously. "Bulba!!" exclaims Bubbasaur. "Pipikachu!!", yells PikaSue. Tracey speaks up, "Hold on now, I still need to give you both my gift." Tracey hands them each 10 empty Poke'balls. "You're deffinately gonna needs those on your journey." "Thank you Tracey!", they both shout.

The next moring at the break of dawn, Chris throws on his black shirt with green trimmings, with matching pants, sneakers, headband, gloves, and trench coat. Meanwhile, Belle puts on her black tubetop with yellow trimmings, with matching leather jacket, skirt, biker gloves and boots. "Ready Bubbasaur?" asks Chris. "Bulbaaa!!!!", answers Bubbasaur. "Ready PikaSue?", asks Belle. "Pikapika!!!", answers PikaSue. They both emerge from their houses, meet in the road, and the four set off on their huge Poke'mon journey together.

What awesome adventures, crazy obstacles, and dangerous lands lie before our heros? Only time will tell!


Episode 2: The Terrible Team Titanium

Chris, Belle, Bubbasaur, and PikaSue begin their adventure by going through Route 1. "So Chris, what kind of Poke'mon to you hope to catch?", asks Belle as they walk. "Powerful ones. I want Poke'mon so strong, no one would be able to defeat them. Kinda like Bubbasaur!", Chris answers looking down at Bubbasaur and smiling. "Bulbasaur!", says Bubbasaur proudly in agreement. Belle smirks and says, "Setting our sights kinda high aren't we?" "Naw", responds Chris, "With proper training and care, any Poke'mon can become a powerhouse!" He then turns to Belle, "How bout you? What kind of Poke'mon do you want?" Belle smiles and answers, "I want a team of the cutest Poke'mon that anyone has ever seen! But of course, I already have the cutest Poke'mon of all, isn't that right PikaSue?" Belle stops walking as she realizes that PikaSue is no longer beside her. Belle looks behind her and sees PikaSue facing the tall grass with her ears perked up high."PikaSue? What's wrong?" "Pi!!", yells PikaSue before jumping into the tall grass. "PikaSue wait!!!", yells Belle as she runs into the grass after her, with Chris and Bubbasaur close behind.

After a few mintues of running, the tall grass parts and Belle nearly trips over PikaSue who had stopped. Belle picks her up and fusses, "PikaSue! Don't go running off by yourself like that!" "PiPiPikachu!", exclaims PikaSue pointing to the opening. Belle looks over and sees two people in silver-colored uniforms. One is a tall guy with blond hair, the other is a medium height girl with dark red hair. A Munchlax is on the ground near them. Chris and Bubbasaur emerge from the bushes. "Who are they?", Chris asks. "Good question.", responds Belle. The four of them duck behind the grass and listen. "Who told you that you could eat that?!" yells the girl to the Munchlax. "Cough it up!!!", shouts the guy. "Munchlax munch munch!!!", shouts the Munchlax. "I said cough it up!!!!", yells the guy again before bopping the Munchlax over the head with his fist.

Unable to stay quiet any longer Chris stands up and yells, "HEY!!! YOU LEAVE THAT MUNCHLAX ALONE!!!" Belle looks up at Chris in shock, "Eep." The uniformed duo looks at Chris. "Kid, this doesn't concern you. Mind your own buisness and let the adults do their work.", says the guy. "No! I'm not leaving! You're hurting that Munchlax! I'm telling you to leave him alone!" Belle stands up and yells, "Yeah! What kind of low-lifes hurt a defenseless Poke'mon like that!" "Pikachu!!!!", yells PikaSue. "Bulba!!!!",yells Bubbasaur. The girl looks at Chris and Belle and places her hands on her hips, "Do you little brats know who you're dealing with?" "A couple of retro dancers?", guesses Chris. "NO!!!!! We're the diabolical duo, Kat and Garrett!" Garrett adds, "Yeah! And together we're part of the world famous Team Titanium!!!" Belle tilts her head in confusion, "Team Titanium?" Chris sighs and explains, "Ever since Team Magma and Team Aqua became big names, more evil organizations have popped up who specialize in other Poke'mon types. Team Titanium specializes in steel type Poke'mon." Belle looks at the duo in disgust, "I see..."

Garrett whips a Poke'ball out of his pocket, "Enough chit-chat, we're gonna teach you kids a lesson in trying to mess with us! Go Steelix!" Kat whips out a Poke'ball too, "Go Pochama!". They both throw their balls and out come the collossal metal snake and small blue penguin. Chris and Belle run into the opening. "Go Bubbasaur!", shouts Chris. "PikaSue, I choose you!", yells Belle. "Bulba!" "Pika!" they yell as they run in front of their trainers and prepare for battle. PikaSue and Pochama's eyes interlock, while Bubbasaur stares down the mighty Steelix.

"Steelix! Start with Iron Tail!",commands Garrett. The huge Steelix's tail glows white as he raises it high above his head. "Bubbasaur! Dodge and use Leech Seed!", yells Chris. "Bulbasaur!", says Bubbasaur as he jumps out of the way mere miliseconds before the massive tail comes crashing down. "PikaSue! Use Thundershock!", yells Belle. "Pochama! Nail that yellow rat with Pound!" Pochama runs at PikaSue with her flippers above her head. PikaSue jumps to the right nails Pochama with her Thundershock. With Steelix's tail stuck in the dirt, Bubbasaur unleashes his Leech Seed onto it. Steelix's energy begins draining little by little. "Steelix! Go underground with Dig!!" Steelix turns and tunnels deep beneath the surface. "Get ready Bubbasaur, jump on my command.", says Chris. Pochama quickly recovers from the electrocution. "Peck now!!" yells Kat. Pochama them begins to frantically peck PikaSue in the face. PikaSue closes her eyes and tries to break away. "PikaSue! Counter with Bite!", shouts Belle. PikaSue clamps onto Pochama's beak with her pointy teeth. Pochama starts frantically flailing trying to get free. "Now PikaSue, finish her with Thunderbolt!" PikaSue's cheeks glow bright yellow as she unleashes her electricity into Pochama and fries that bird like a Thanksgiving dinner. "Now Bubbasaur!!!! Jump and use Razor Leaf below you!!", shouts Chris. Bubbasaur jumps into the air and faces the ground. Steelix breaks from beneath the soil. Bubbasaur fires an onslaught of Razor Leaf right into Steelix's face, scoring a critical hit. Both Pochama and Steelix fall the the ground no longer able to battle.

"We did it!!!!" yell Chris and Belle together as the jump and high-five each other. PiPikachu!!!" yells PikaSue as she raises her hand up to Bubbasaur for their high-five. "Bulbasaursaur!!!" yells Bubbasaur as he returns the high-five with his vine. Garrett and Kat call back their Poke'mon. "You haven't seen the last of us!", says Kat angrily. "We'll be back, and next time you won't be so lucky!", snaps Garrett as they both run away.

Belle and Chris approach the Munchlax, whom is sitting on the ground dazed. "He doesn't look so good.", says Belle. "I know. We need to get him to the Poke'mon Center.", says Chris and he hoists the injured Poke'mon onto his back. "Aw man!! This little guy is heavier than he looks! >_<" Belle takes out her map and points west, "Viridian City should be right over there. Let's hurry." "Right" answers Chris as they all run in that direction.

 

[Dilasc]

Well. I give you credit for admitting that Gary Susana are going to be the theme of the story. Without further ado, let the hurting begin.

So, you don't use description. Pretend I don't know what a Bulbasaur looks like, I'd be unable to know what the heck is going on at all.

You were on the ball to name the thing 'PikaSue' since this definitely is a Mary Sue story. If this was meant to be a joke, then great job, I'm not laughing! If you meant this to be a serious story, then you best work on the grammatical catastrophies strewn throughout the story.

 

[Dr. Anime]

Well. I give you credit for admitting that Gary Susana are going to be the theme of the story. Without further ado, let the hurting begin.

Gary who?

So, you don't use description. Pretend I don't know what a Bulbasaur looks like, I'd be unable to know what the heck is going on at all.

I use weak descriptions because my girlfriend is currently working on fan arts to go with my fan fics. I'm only showing this story to Poke'mon fans, and all Poke'mon fans should know what a Bulbasaur looks like.

You were on the ball to name the thing 'PikaSue' since this definitely is a Mary Sue story. If this was meant to be a joke, then great job, I'm not laughing! If you meant this to be a serious story, then you best work on the grammatical catastrophies strewn throughout the story.

My girlfriend altered a Pikachu plushie and named it "PikaSue".

(Left)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v438/Roger_Smith/Random/Flowers.jpg

Since trainer Belle is based off of my girlfriend, she naturally has PikaSue as her starting Poke'mon. PikaSue is not meant to be an inside joke of this "Mary Sue" that you speak of.

I find your post very offensive and I'm tempted to take it as an insult, but I'll pass it off as cronstructive critism.

 

[Dilasc]

A Mary Sue, or Gary Stu, is usually a perfect character. They arerarely flawed, and the universe revolves around them. Usually amongst their ranks are self-insertions. When you here me say variations of the names in longer or shorter form, I'm usually just being fancy in the saying of Perfect character.

BTW, fanart is not a good excuse to devoid of description. Stories are meant to be read as novels. You can do the pictures, but you can't get lazy because of them.

 

[Yami Ryu]

The only insult here is your rule breaking chapters, Dr Anime.

First off: Rules state one chapter per post.

rules also should state if you try and use a lame excuse that's been used 987895times before, you should get bit. But eeeeh.

Overall extremely rushed, characters aren't described. Pokemon aren't described, characters are extremely flat, you use 'Emoticons' too, I see, and overall the bad grammar offends my eyes.

I suggest you get off your lazy, blank *** and go read Advice For Aspiring Authors and the rules. Because seriously, the only offensive, insulting thing here, is your lame attempt at a story. I don't care if I insult you, or your girlfriend also, as you both have very bad personalities. Or you just don't write well or write personalities even worse than how you write.

 

[Dr. Anime]

Welp. So much for joining Serebii.net forums in search of open-minded readers with helpful advice. If I'm just going to be insulted and wrongly accussed of having a lazy, blank ***, then I see no point in continuing to post here.

Good people can't go anywhere these days without being harrassed by a bunch of jerks, not even to a Poke'mon forum.

So sad....

Ban me if you wish. I'm not coming back.

 

[Tezza]

Heyah mate. No need to go whinging. It is advice, albeit of the blunt kind. What you need to do is chill, relax, this is fanfiction! Treat any advice like its gold, even if its wrapped up in a few harsh words. Yami's a kind of frustrated reviewer because she sees these mistakes all the time which can be so easily remedied by doing something you should be doing anyway, ala reading the rules. She's always reviewing new people and they so rarely take her advice despite it.

Let's see what can see.

Firstly I'd change the title "Adventures of ????" is an extremely common title in the Pokemon fandom so lots of people will avoid it because of that. Some people like to chose song titles, but I don't recommend those in your radio's top one hundgreen list because they're a fad. Some chose a single interesting line from a song. Others like proverbs or phrases, some like to sort through their thesaurus for things that sound mysterious. At this point just about anything can be better than Adventures of....

I look forward to the fanart, fanfic combo, it should be fun but don't rely entirely on fanart. To be considegreen a talented writer you should be able to get on by word's alone. Personally I don't think you should bother except the basic descriptions of Pokemon because if they're reading it here they know what they're talking about. "The green bulbed dinosaur" would be good enough for us to know its bulbasaur.

Now let's talk about paragraphs. They're extremely important There are in simplistic terms three times when you start a new line. The first is the most consistent. Everytime a new person speaks, start a new line.

"So the day is finally here.." says Chris to his best pal. "We've been waiting so long to give Belle her birthday present. I'm so excited! Are you excited too, Bubbasaur?

"Bulbaaaaa!!!" exclaims the Bulbasaur with the damaged bulb.

"Look! We're almost to the lab! Race you there!!", yells the trainer as he and his Poke'mon sprint into a run towards Professor Oak's lab.

The next time you start a new line is per topic. When you're describing lots of details you should organise them into one topic per paragraph. Lots of bunched up sentences are messy and give people headaches. I can't see any examples here because there are no details or descriptions, which I'll get to in a bit.

The last time when you start a new paragraph is when a single sentence has such dramatic it deserves a line of its own. Again, I can't really see that here.

Time to have a look at punctuation. The first thing is standard punctuation. Don't worry lots of beginners get this wrong.

"So the day is finally here," says Chris to his best pal.

See that comma? That's what you need to do for most of your dialogue, except if its a question mark or an exclaimation mark, in which case its just,

"Bulba!" exclaims the Bulbasaur with the damaged bulb.

The most important thing I have to say about your punctuation is don't overpunctuate. An exlaimation mark is for when your excited, its for when you have something important to say, it's for impact. That said, limit yourself and never ever do multiple exclaimation marks. In the words of Terry Pratchett 'Multiple exclaimation marks. The clear sign of a man who wears his underwear on his head.'

The next thing I have to speak about is merely a preference so don't feel you have any need to take it aboard. You've chosen to write in present tense, which is unusual. I personally dislike reading present tense, its a strange uncomfortable feeling with no real reason for it. You've managed to do it consistantly so bravo! If you want to do it in present tense, go for it!

Detail... As I said above you have no long chunky paragraphs. Detail is your window to the mind's eye of the reader. Your job as an author is to paint a picture in our head, and I have no such picture in mine as I read about Chris and Bulbasaur. I'm going to ask some questions and as you think about them, close your eyes. Imagine yourself in the anime, looking out through Chris's eyes.

Work these details into your story, lots of adjectives (describing words) and adverbs (how they do an action) eg he said guiltily. Guiltily is the adverb, most 'ily' words are adverbs. Cheerfully, crossly, jerkily.... If you're stuck for some I bet you could type 'List of Adverbs' into a search engine and you'd get bunches.

I'm also going to format it as to how it should look like, just to give you an idea.

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"So the day is finally here," says Chris How does he say it? Adverb! to his best pal. What are his actions as he says this? Does he shade his eyes against the sun, or grin broadly, or nudge his friend gently with his foot? Where is he looking? What does he see? What is the landscape around him? Why is he there? What is he thinking, how is he feeling, why is he feeling that? "We've been waiting so long to give Belle her birthday present. I'm so excited! Are you excited too, Bubbasaur?"

"Bulbaaaaa!" exclaims the Bulbasaur with the damaged bulb What damage is there? Burns? Dying leaves? Why is it damaged? How did it get damaged?. "Look! We're almost to the lab! Race you there!"

He yells happily as he and his Poke'mon Don't worry bout the apostrophe next to the e, it makes things look clunky and we know anyway.sprint into a run Spring and run mean the same thing. Launch into a run? Thesaurus's are a great help to the beginning writer! towards Professor Oak's lab.

"Awww, you beat me!", says Chris how does he say it. What do you do after a sprint? Pant and double over with your hands on your knees? Fall down laughing?as he reaches the door second.

"Saurrrr," taunts Bulbasaur. Chris rings the door bell how does he ring it. What kind of body language does he have at that moment. What does he think of the lab? What does he know of it? What have been his expiriences with it? Recounting memories are a great way to build up detail and personality.. Shortly, a man in his mid 20's answers.

"Hi Tracey," says Chris happily. What does he think of Tracy? Why does he think that?

Tracey smiles and answers, What is his body language?"Oh, hi Chris! Hello Bubbasaur! The professor is waiting for you. Follow me!"

Tracy leads Where? Down a hall with gorgeous Pokemon sketches, muddy paw prints on the tiles? What does he see? Can he hear anything? Can he smell anything? Chris and Bulbasaur to an elderly man with a cane. "Professor! Chris is here."

Professor Oak smiles and makes a waving motion. "Welcome back Chris! I see Bubbasaur is still healthy as ever. That injugreen bulb of his never slowing him down in the slightest!"

"Bulbasaur!" responds Bubbasaur proudly How does he show he's proud? Does his chest puff up? Does he wave a vine?.
"So, is everything all set?" asks Chris How does he ask? What is he feeling? Is he a little anxious just in case it isn't?.

"Of course! She's inside this ball, all ready to go," says Maybe look up 'Said Words Alternative' In a search engine too so you can get a bit of variety.the professor grabbing a Poke'ball decorated with blue and yellow jewels Why are their blue and yellow jewels? Did Chris save up all his battle money to make sure it was special? What does he think of the jewels? What does he see? Is light bouncing brightly their faceted surface? Or does he think its gaudy and girly?off his desk and handing it to Chris.

"Thank you professor. I hope it wasn't too much trouble. But if I had kept her at my house, Belle deffinately Spelling, don't forget to reread your work to pick up spelling mistakes.would've seen her," says Chris.

Professor Oak smiles and holds up his palm, "Oh no, she was no trouble at all. Tracey and I enjoyed having her here at the lab very much. She's a very sweet Poke'mon. I know Belle will love her!" Professor Oak leans on his cane and rises How does he rise from his chair, slowly? With difficulty?from his chair. "Well, we'd better not keep the birthday girl waiting."

Chris and Tracey smile and nod, "Right!"

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There you go! Is that a good example? Don't be afraid to go back, rewrite and repost your chapters. Rewriting is a huge part of fanfiction and no one will think any less of you. If you saw how many versions some of the most talented writers on this forum have gone through... Wulf! Good luck and I hope it encourages you in your writing ventures!

 

[Divinity_123]

You know what would really help....a BETA reader. They will help with you with description. Space and don't OU the same words all the time. Don't forget your description. Good luck with your fic at least if you come back....