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The Adventures of Violet Wolf (The Korrova Region)

Should the Chapters from the Other Website Replace the Chapters Here?

  • No

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • It Doesn't Matter

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  • Yes, But I Suggest You Don't

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • No, But I Suggest You Do

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Some, but not ALL of Them

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    1
  • Poll closed .
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The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
I'm catching up on all the chapters I missed at once, so my reviews are going to be a bit less detailed than usual. Please forgive me.

July 4 chapter: Interesting one, I think it may be my favorite so far. I say this because the plot feels as if it has advanced more in that one chapter alone than the rest of the story combined. We get to see some intriguing conflict between Ian and Lucy/Ian and Lucario, we get to see Lucario's devotion to the girl, and we finally get to see the first touches of why the girl is so important. That ending was a great twist.

July 11 chapter: Hmmm, Ian's a bit confrontational for a rescue worker. Although, perhaps this is a good way to diversify what's going on, by not making him a goody two-shoes type. I do like the interactions between Ian and Lucario that I'm seeing. Ian's threat to have scientists experiment on Lucario (that's how interpreted that) is rather intense, perhaps too much so. Didn't expect Matthew to make an appearance; that's certainly not helping the tension.

July 18 chapter: Lucy's observations on how Ian affects her are an interesting way to open the chapter. They provide her with a good character development moment, and these things could lead to some interesting places. Werner immediately feels menacing to me, especially because of the detail of his eyes being "dead" and "blank." I sense he will be an antagonist in the future? The pressure Werner puts on Ian may explain Ian's aggressive behavior. It looks like Matthew might be an obstacle to the safety of Lucario and the girl, too. The punchline at the end of the Matthew/Lucy scene was a little odd, but I did smile. A twist at the end... now that caught me hard.

August 2 chapter: That opening is a little strange, but I want to see where it goes. Ian's aggressiveness is really off-putting here; I can kind of understand why he's so upset in this situation, but it's still a bit much, as is the relationship drama when bigger things are going on. Whoa, did Lucario just sacrifice the girl? That was not something I saw coming at all. Alakazam's use of her spoon as a flashlight/torch is clever. Did Lucario somehow turn Alakazam against them? And here comes the explanation. I didn't expect a Pokemon/human war, not at all, even though maybe I should have. The concept of the Nexus and how she can be reborn is clever, I like it. I didn't think Lucario would be killed off this soon.

August 18 chapter: Ooh, a flashback. This is a good way to show some of what the girl was like. Her child-like wonder gives me a smile, hopefully her new incarnation can still have it. The way she used her powers back then is interesting too.

The technology was meant for analyzing and studying Pokémon, but recent events have led them to dismiss whatever objections they had on using them on the girl.

"had led them to dismiss..."

This sentence started in past tense, so it has to be "had," not "has."

I like that Alakazam can make tea. Not sure why, I just like it.

I also like that Lucy is pondering what Lucario's warning means. That shows that these events do not happen in a vacuum.

Ian raised an eyebrow at this. He did remember seeing the girl with violet eyes, but didn’t think much of it until now. It’s very rare for someone to have violet eyes, human or Pokémon.

Another tense problem. "Violent eyes were very rare to have, whether for human or Pokemon."

With technology alone, it’s almost impossible to know more about the girl until she wakes up. With Lucario no longer around, no one can stop them from knowing who she really was.

Same thing here. You're writing in past tense, so you need to stick to it.

Ian tapped certain icons on the machine’s screen to save their newly-found data. “Lucy, what’s the today's date?”

No need for "the" before "today."

There's one thing that sticks me about memory loss like this. She only forgot her own past? Clearly she still remembers things like how to speak, as she's completely fluent immediately.

When she gave it to the girl, the girl looked into it and noticed many things. Her short black hair is disheveled, her skin was dirty, and she was covered with wires and patches. But then she looked at her eyes and saw that despite how watery her eyes were, the violet irises shone vibrantly.

Another place where the tense slips.

And with that, I'm all caught up. I admit, I do still have some concerns that may or may not come true, but overall, I'm enjoying it. The plot has me drawn in, and the characters are gradually improving. I'm interested to see where everything goes. Just make some effort to polish everything up with the tenses.
 

ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Thanks to The Great Butler for his input!
I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far and appreciate you taking the time to catch up :)

I just updated Chapter 08!
I also want to thank you for pointing out my mistakes. Sometimes I get so tired during the day that I overlook my mistakes.
The next chapter will be up soon.
Until then, have a good day! :)
 

Hakajin

Obsessive Shipper
“Lucario! Lucario! Come here! Come here!”

“Milady, what is the matter?” Lucario asked as he ran to the lake. The lake was a large, hidden body of water surrounded by thick trees and bushes. The skies were swirling with colors of orange, pink, and blue, signaling the approaching sunset.

“Look what I can do!” the girl grinned as she raised her arms. At the motion, bubbles started emerging from the lake and floated all around them. Lucario watched in awe as the bubbles reflected the sunset lights. The girl noticed his approval and grinned wider. “You like it? I’ve been working on it for weeks!”

“This is impressive, milady,” Lucario admitted, “but did you make sure you weren’t seen?”

The girl pouted. “Yeah, I made sure no one was around,” she assured. “I also wanted to surprise you!”

Lucario smiled. “Well I’m glad,” he said, “and very proud.”

“Just wait and see, Lucario!” the girl winked. “Soon, I’m gonna master all the Pokémon moves in the world, and we’ll be unstoppable! We wouldn’t need to worry about being safe anymore!”

Lucario frowned at this. “Milady…”

The girl pouted and stomped in front of him. “I’m tired of being hidden and protected all the time!” the girl stated. “I don’t want to be that fragile thing everyone is always looking out for. If I really am that special, I should learn to defend myself too, you know! You can’t protect me from everything.”

“I can try,” Lucario remarked. “After all, it is my duty to protect you with my life.”

“But don’t you want to be more than someone’s bodyguard?” the girl asked. “And everyone else too! Don’t you guys want to travel the world and maybe live with humans? Surely you don’t want to be stuck in the forest hiding me and yourselves for the rest of your lives.”

“We do what we do because it is our duty,” Lucario reminded. “Remember that the world only exists today because we’re doing our job.”

The girl frowned. “But…there just has to be something…more…”

Lucario looked at her solemnly and took her hand. “I’m sorry I cannot promise you anything more than this,” Lucario apologized. “As much as I would like to show you the world, leaving the grounds is far too dangerous. You are safer here with me and the rest of the guardians, and the only thing we want more than anything in this world is for you to be safe. I hope you understand.”

The girl continued to frown but nodded. “Yes,” she muttered. “I understand.”

Lucario smiled. “Good,” he said. “Do you have any more moves to show me? If not, I can teach you some.”

The girl’s eyes brightened. “Really?”

“Yes,” Lucario nodded. “It is wise to start mastering your powers while you are young.”

The girl gasped and jumped in the air. “Yes!” she cheered.

When she did so, a large wave from the lake appeared from behind and hit Lucario with full force. The girl gasped and ran to Lucario, who was groaning on the ground in pain. “Lucario!” she called out as she ran to his side. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! Are you okay?”

Lucario shifted uncomfortably at his spot and gave her a stiff nod. He may had been hit with powerful attacks before, but the power the girl has was stronger than anything he could compare. “I’m fine, milady,” he assured. “I just never expected you to learn something as simple as Bubble to something as strong as Surf in such a short period of time.”

The girl giggled and engulfed him into a hug, which Lucario flinched upon contact. “What can I say?” the girl beamed. “I have an awesome teacher.”

Lucario smiled at this and patted her arm to return her embrace. “Promise me you’ll help me through this, okay?” he heard her request. “I don’t want to go through this alone.”

Lucario wondered vaguely if she was still talking about the mastery of her powers, but shook his thoughts away. There wasn’t anything in this world he wouldn’t do for her. “I promise.”

I like this scene-- it's good to get a sense of how Lucario and Violet lived before the events of the story. Good to see her get some character development. And all the visual description makes it interesting. I wonder how learning all the Pokemon attacks will help Violet keep the peace...?

“You know,” she started. “Today’s medicine has really progressed because of Pokémon. The medicine I gave the girl to get rid of her weaknesses came from the chemicals extracted from Pokémon’s Refreshes and Recovers. The relaxants I used to steady her heart beat are chemicals from moves like Aromatherapy. Many other things that I’ve used on the girl and my patients are made with the generosity of the Pokémon we work with. Why would someone try to end the relationship we have with them?”

Ian didn’t say anything, but Lucy knew he heard her because he became even more distracted by his thoughts than before. Lucy looked at Alakazam, and she had the same concern in her eyes as she did. She then wondered what it would be like if she and Alakazam faced off against each other, and then cringed at the thoughts. What a horrible fate it would be to fight with such a good friend.

Good explanation for where the medicine comes from; that clears up some stuff from earlier. I also like how it fits into the themes here about how important Pokemon are to the people of this world. The following scene brings up a good point-- how could the loss of the girl cause people and Pokemon who are already friends to fight? It's an obvious question here, so it's good you pointed it out. I'm curious about the answer.

When the girl opened her eyes, the three held their breath. Her violet eyes shone weakly but curiously, no traces of anger or fear present. “Where am I?” she asked. “And who are you?”

Lucy shifted in her spot. “You don’t remember who we are?”

“No,” the girl shook her head. She then looked down, her eyes widened and her cheeks reddened darkly.

“What’s the matter?” Lucy asked.

The girl looked up. “Who am I?” she quietly asked.

The world stopped all around them. At least, that’s what it felt like. All hope of knowing the identity of the girl vanished. The group stared at her in disbelief, and the girl started to feel uncomfortable.

Lucy shook her head. “You don’t remember who you are?” she asked her.

“No,” the girl muttered. “I don’t…I don’t remember anything…”

That's interesting... Must have something to do with her being reborn.

The group then gasped when tears started streaming down the girl’s face. The girl didn’t seem to notice this however, as she clutched her chest and stared at the air in pain. Her body shook, and Lucy instinctively placed a hand on her small shoulder. “What’s wrong?” Lucy asked. “Does your chest hurt?”

The girl gulped as tears continued to stream down her chest. “I-I don’t know,” she stammered. “I just…I just f-feel so empty. A-and my h-heart hurts and I-I don’t know w-why…”

Ian immediately understood but said nothing. When Lucy looked at him, he only said, “Lucario.”

This got the girl to look at him. “W-what did you say?” she asked.

“Your friend died to protect you,” Ian told her. “He’s the reason why you’re here today. You may not remember him, but your heart does. That’s why it’s hurting, because he isn’t here anymore.”

This is sweet... It feels very much in keeping with the themes of the actual show, which, for me, lends a sense of authenticity to the story.

Enjoyed this chapter! It's your best so far!
 
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The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
Thanks to The Great Butler and Hakajin for reviewing my story. I just realized that this story is pretty popular, despite the lack of reviews, but I'm still happy nevertheless!

You're quite welcome.

Ian ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair before glancing at the two figures sitting on the living room’s large beige couch. The living room, along with the bedrooms and other residential rooms, was located on the western wing of the laboratory. Ian promised himself that he would give his new guest a proper tour of the facility. After all, she was going to be here for a while.

A good, comfortable description to being the chapter. Well done, it's quite vivid.

“This is so cool,” Violet stared at the moving images on the large rectangular screen attached to the wall. “What’s this called again?”

“Television,” Ian answered. Lucy had left a while ago to tend to her hospital duties, so it was up to him and Alakazam to keep the girl entertained.

Now that's actually quite well done. It could be easy for the fact that Violet doesn't know standard luxuries of everyday life to slip your mind, but you remembered that she doesn't know. That's a good attention to detail.

Ian adjusted his laptop and continued to type on its keyboard. Technically, Alakazam was doing the entertaining. Ian was too busy inputting information on his laptop.

The girl, which he named “Violet”, had forgotten her past, but remembered how to do basic things such as speaking, eating, and going to the bathroom. She knew nothing about humans or Pokémon, but showed no signs of fear or confusion. The girl was quickly recovering from her injuries, as well as showing signs of comfort and content in her new environment, but she also displayed signs of trauma.

She had trouble going back to sleep, lost focus on her environment from time to time, was easily startled when spoken to, and of course, suffered the occasional headaches and chest pains. She would smile and show genuine joy and excitement from time to time, but she was overall very detached and numb.

At first I felt like the description of her behaviors was a bit muddled, as if it couldn't decide which way it wanted to take her. Then I realized, it's accurate to describe how conflicted she is. I'm not sure that's what you were going for, but it's a way that works.

Ian watched as the girl listened attentively to the voice narrating the life of a Bidoof before spacing out and then listening again. The girl may be coping, but it seemed as if her true emotions were just as repressed as her memories. She didn’t ask him anything about her past and the friend that have died for her. Ian wasn’t sure whether the girl was pushing her past aside or pushing her past behind.

Perhaps she simply isn't aware enough of herself yet to care about her past.

A sudden ring from his phone interrupted his train of thought and caused his violet-eyed guest to jump on her seat. Ian held out a finger to excuse himself before exiting the room with his phone. Violet was about to ask where he was going, but a hand on her back caused her to look at her seatmate. “Alaka,” Alakazam said. Violet immediately understood and turned back to the TV.

Careful with the repetition of wording. You used "violet" multiple times here.

“Professor Quest speaking,” Ian said after answering his phone.

“Quest,” a deep and cold voice responded. “I’ve been informed that the ruins I’ve sent you to investigate have been destroyed.”

Ian bit back a hiss and scratched the back of his head. “Yes, sir,” he confirmed. “I was there before it was completely obliterated. I barely escaped with my life.”

It was the truth, but it didn’t seem to be enough for the speaker on the other end. “Have you acquired information from this temple before it was destroyed?” the voice demanded.

"Did you acquire information from the temple" is a better way to phrase that line.

Ian fought the urge to grunt as he tried to come up with the words to say. Surely he can't provide the existence of the girl, but if he provided nothing again, his job would die with the ruins. “I,” Ian clenched his fists. “I-I saw writing on the walls. Inscriptions I couldn’t understand.”

Tensing issues. Most of it is in past tense, such as "fought" and "tried," but then you said "he can't provide" which is a different tense.

A noise from the other end told Ian that the speaker was satisfied with the answer, but then another question arose. “Did you take pictures of them?”

Ian hit the wall with a fist. Of course he didn’t, but he didn’t know whether he should be grateful or regretful. The inscriptions would ensure he would keep his job, but they might’ve revealed the existence of Violet and her complicated story. He knew that it was now his job to protect the girl, but if he lost his job as a professor, then he and the girl were both in trouble.

“I was about to,” Ian said, “but the walls started to obliterate, and I had to leave so I wouldn’t be destroyed with the temple.”

A dead silence occupied the other end of the line, and Ian became nervous. He was about to ask what the speaker thought of his response, but then a click from his phone ended the conversation. Ian stared at his phone in horror at the realization that his boss had hung up on him.

A string of negative thoughts passed his mind one by one, and then all at once. He would be fired from his job and then forced to move back to his home region. If he left the girl behind, she would be discovered. If he took the girl with him, she would still be discovered. It may not be that hard to find another job with his credentials, but this was the best job he ever had. A little girl he just met shouldn’t be enough to make him lose his job, but if the fate of Pokémon and humans really fell on her hands, he shouldn’t cast her aside.

You're doing a very good job keeping up the sense of menace here. I can put myself right in Ian's shoes and feel the pressure he feels.

Could he not try to smuggle her out by creating a lie about who she is, though? It would be hard, but not necessarily impossible.

Ian groaned as his body plopped against the hard walls. Violet was his responsibility now, and if his job was to exist at all, he had to make sure she was safe. How he would ensure that, however, he didn’t know.

I like that you're giving Ian more sympathetic traits such as this.

“I’m telling you, Taboden, you’re going to love it here in Genesis.”

Taboden kept his arms crossed and eyes glued to the window. The plane ride from Hoenn was rough from the storm the plane went through to get here, and the jet lag wasn’t making the trip any more bearable. But 3044 was over, and the trip had been postponed enough. As much as he wanted to stay in his hometown of Verdanturf, Taboden knew it was his dad’s turn to have him for the year, and he was going to live with it whether he wanted to or not.

Maybe something is slipping my mind, but it's that far in the future? I'm not sure if I've heard it before or not.

Instead of saying "to get here" say the location he got to. That makes the phrasing much clearer.

And he really didn’t want to.

“I’ve moved to a different street and the house there is grander. I assure you, you won’t be bored one bit,” his dad informed.

Taboden only rolled his eyes and grunted. Leave it to his dad to think a bigger house means a happier stay. But honestly, his dad wasn’t the only one that thought this way. Even his mom thought that the fancier stuff you had, the happier you’d be. But Taboden knew first-hand why that philosophy wasn’t correct. If it was, his parents would still be together.

“I just have to make a phone call, one moment,” his dad said. Taboden rolled his eyes again and stared blankly at the trees outside. The sun was setting though, so he could only see their shadows. “Professor Quest! How have you been?”

Said man made a startled noise at the other end. “It’s me, Anthony,” Anthony told him. “You seem shaken up there, you alright?”

Anthony is Taboden's father, correct? I found that a little unclear, you may want to express that a bit more.

I wonder what kind of character Taboden would be, given his resentment of his father and his father's connection to Ian.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Quest assured.

“Excellent!” Anthony cheered. “So will you still be able to make it to tonight’s meeting?” The response from the other end was wordless, but there was a lot of shuffling. “You didn’t forget, did you?”

“No, no, sir,” Quest said. “I didn’t.”

“Great!” Anthony cheered again. “Meet me at the big restaurant in Route 102 tonight at 7. It’s the only restaurant there, and it’s huge so you won’t miss it.”

I guess that forces Ian's hand when it comes to handling Violet for at least the night. He'll need to care for her somehow and still make his meeting.

When the man on the other end agreed, Anthony said his goodbyes before hanging up the phone. When he looked at his son, he frowned. “Is there anything bothering you, son?”

Taboden had dirty blonde hair ruffled about on his head, which reminded Anthony of what he looked like when he himself was a kid. But Taboden had his mother’s jaded eyes, which reminded him that they weren’t the same person.

“Nothing,” Taboden muttered, still avoiding eye contact. Anthony knew he was lying, but only sighed and carried on with his affairs.

I wonder where this is going...

“Alakazam,” Ian called out as he re-entered the living room. “I gotta go out to meet with Denerro.” When Alakazam looked at him with wide eyes, Ian sighed. “I know, I forgot too.”

“Who’s Denerro?” Violet asked, turning away from the television to look at him with curious eyes.

“It’s just someone I have to do business with,” Ian answered, but turned away before Violet could ask what a business was. “If you have any questions about what something is, just ask the tablet I gave you. You remember how it works, right?”

“Yes,” Violet nodded.

“There’s food in the kitchen if you’re hungry,” Ian turned to Alakazam. “Take care of her, alright?”

I have a feeling that Ian should be acting a lot more carefully here. Leaving Violet with just Alakazam seems like a mistake.

I notice his thoughts still tend toward impatience and annoyance. It can get irritating at times ,but overall, that's what Ian's voice as a character is, and you're writing it pretty well.

“Alaka,” Alakazam nodded.

“Alright, then,” Ian ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll be back later tonight. Don’t leave the building, okay? It’s raining outside.”

I notice rain is a consistent visual theme in the story. Maybe it's just because you like rain, but I'm intrigued by what it may mean.

Violet didn’t respond this time. Her eyes were glued to the screen, watching a show that just came on. But Alakazam nodded to him and assured that she would watch her. Grateful, Ian took this as a chance to finally leave.

When he did, Violet was mesmerized by the sounds and colors that resonated from the screen. With the combination of great curiosity and excitement, Violet lifted the tablet and pressed a certain button. “What are Pokémon battles?”

You're really doing a good job capturing Violet's innocence and naivete. I'm charmed by it.

That said, do I see a possible reason for Violet to leave while Ian is away?

“Hello? Is anybody home?”

Alakazam and Violet both turned to the door at the sound of the familiar voice. Alakazam rose from the couch to greet the visitor. “Alaka!”

“Hi, Alakazam!” Lucy greeted as she entered. “And hello, Violet!”

Violet blinked at the sight of Lucy, whom was wearing a lab coat and a pair of narrow glasses that made her look older. “Why are you dressed like that?” Violet asked.

Good to have Lucy back. Her interactions with Violet already seem interesting.

"who was wearing a lab coat..." sounds better than "whom."

“I’m a doctor, dear,” Lucy smiled as she sat next to her on the couch. “And what are you two doing up so late? It’s almost 12 AM!”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Violet answered, tiredness evident in her voice.

Lucy frowned at this and put a hand on her forehead. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah, Alakazam gave me soup,” Violet replied as she relished the softness of her hand.

Lucy knows what a doctor, sleep and soup are? I think you may want to further clarify the extent of her memory loss or what's been explained to her.

Lucy’s frown deepened at the heat she felt on her palm. “Where’s Ian?” Lucy asked. “Why did he leave you alone in the house?”

“He says he had to do business with someone named Denerro,” Violet answered.

Lucy’s eyes widened at the response, but they quickly narrowed in irritation. “Why didn’t he tell me this?” Lucy growled before digging into her leather bag. “I could’ve left the hospital earlier.”

I'm guessing there's some history with Anthony. Intriguing...

“It’s okay,” Violet assured. “Alakazam is doing a great job watching over me.”

Again, I'm not entirely sure that Violet is coming across as an amnesiac right now. She seems too aware of what she's saying.

Lucy smiled weakly at this and turned to Alakazam. “Thank you, Alakazam,” she acknowledged before taking out a thermometer, “but I would appreciate it if I was informed of this sooner so I can watch over you myself. Open your mouth please,” Violet opened her mouth. “Now press this under your tongue.”

When Violet obeyed, Lucy turned to Alakazam. “Please contact me when Ian is gone,” she requested. “I’ll talk to Ian myself later.”

Both Lucy and Alakazam gasped when Violet violently coughed the thermometer out of her mouth. Violet clutched her chest in agony as she continued to cough and writhe in pain. “Violet!” Lucy cried out as she held the girl in her arms. “Alakazam, get her water!”

Alakazam nodded and quickly ran out of the room. In her absence, Violet screamed in agony as she tugged her shirt. “Violet!” Lucy cried out again as she scrambled to get the pills in her bag. When she bent down, she caught sight of something black under Violet’s shirt collar. “Violet, hold still,” Lucy instructed before pulling Violet’s shirt off. Nothing prepared her for what she saw next.

This escalated quickly, to say the least. I wonder what's happening...

“Alakazam?” Ian called out tiredly as he trudged through the halls. “Alakazam? Violet?” Ian was about to open the door to the living room, but someone beat him to it. “Lucy?”

“Shh,” Lucy hushed with a finger on her lip. “Be very quiet.”

Ian blinked as Lucy motioned him inside the room. Alakazam was sitting on the couch, concern plastered on her face. Ian immediately stiffened and ran in front of the couch.

Lying there was Violet, sweating and shivering at the same time. Her body was covered by a thick blanket and her head was being held up by one of the couch cushions. A moist toilette was placed on her forehead, and a thermometer was placed in her mouth.

“When I first took her temperature, it was 105 degrees,” Lucy whispered. “Her temperature had gone down, but not that much.”

"Her temperature has gone down." It's another tensing error.

I'm guessing the meeting with Anthony wasn't too important after all? This definitely seems more serious.

“Is she gonna be okay?” Ian knelt beside Violet. “What happened?”

“I came here before 12 when I felt her forehead growing hot,” Lucy told him. “Then she convulsed and started coughing violently. I know you told me she’s been having regular chest pains, but the one she had was causing her a lot more pain. I was about to get the pain medication, but then I saw this.”

First off, write out the numbers ("twelve") instead of using digits.

The first bit of this is strangely worded. I think I get what you're trying to say, but it could be expressed more clearly.

Lucy lifted the blanket off Violet’s chest and folded back the folds she cut on Violet’s shirt. Ian was about to ask, but then he saw what was beneath the folds.

Freshly etched on Violet’s skin was a large black inscription, and Ian’s eyes widened when he realized that the mark was similar to the inscriptions he saw at the ruins. “When I pulled up her shirt, this was being engraved on her skin,” Lucy explained. “It was like someone or something invisible was tattooing it on her chest. Her convulsions didn’t stop until the mark was finished.”

Ian clenched his fists when Violet shivered and groaned. “Violet,” Ian whispered as he glared at the giant mark on her skin. “What is happening to you?”

Intense and intriguing. I like it.

Tears streamed down his eyes as he watched his home become demolished by machinery he can’t define. The creatures controlling the contraptions held an indifferent expression as they shoved away trees and his loved ones living inside them. Sometimes there were just bodies being cast aside, bloody and lifeless as the ones a few miles back.

Another tense error; "can't" should be "couldn't."

He barely escaped with his life. He didn’t dare attack these monsters, because then they would locate him and annihilate him like they did with his family. So he stayed quiet and hidden as he watched his life become destroyed before his eyes. He contemplated in horror if he would be able to live on his own, and cried harder as the screams of his friends told him he would have to. When he saw one of the contraptions nearing his hiding place, his secret sanctuary, he ran as quickly as he could before it too was demolished.

Then he saw fire, a lot of it, and he scurried away when an explosion detonated close to his right. A sharp ringing screeched inside his head, and he roared in agony only to realize he couldn’t hear. Only the rumbling of machinery reminded him of his situation, and he dove into the smoke in hopes of retreating into the valley ahead.

He tried to make out figures within the dark smoke, but it became hard to see anything with tears streaming down his eyes. He wailed loudly in mourning, but his own cries were still unheard. That’s when he remembered the stories he would hear about the same thing happening to his kind somewhere around the world, and how he would dismiss them thinking it would never happen to him.

He wailed again, but stopped when the rumbling on the ground became stronger. Fear escalated in his system until he finally reached the bottom of the hill. He quickly made his way up to get as far away as possible. He told himself not to look back, but stopped to turn around anyway. Because that’s when his hearing started to return, and he listened as the cries of sorrow and fear escalated before disappearing into silence. Then he could only hear his own cries of sadness and fear before he stopped crying all-together.

Tears wouldn’t do any good, he told himself. Crying won’t bring them back. So he wiped his tears away and stared at his ruined home in hatred. His land, his friends, his family, will be avenged, he vowed to himself. But it won’t be an ordinary revenge, it will be a revolution. How many years should his kind have to put up with the misery of having them around? How many more years should his kind suffer until they realize they can never find peace with those monsters?

Only time will tell who was going to survive in this world, but he wasn’t going to wait for his kind to be extinct before they realize the truth. Only one species will survive in this planet, and if he and his kind want to be the ones that survive, they can’t live in harmony anymore.

Lucario? Another Pokemon whose environment is being taken by humans? This certainly draws in my interest.

There are more tense errors here, such as "only time will tell who was going to survive." You do need to work on that.

All in all, not a bad chapter. Quite a few things I'm intrigued by.
 
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Hakajin

Obsessive Shipper
The girl, which he named “Violet”, had forgotten her past, but remembered how to do basic things such as speaking, eating, and going to the bathroom. She knew nothing about humans or Pokémon, but showed no signs of fear or confusion. The girl was quickly recovering from her injuries, as well as showing signs of comfort and content in her new environment, but she also displayed signs of trauma.

She had trouble going back to sleep, lost focus on her environment from time to time, was easily startled when spoken to, and of course, suffered the occasional headaches and chest pains. She would smile and show genuine joy and excitement from time to time, but she was overall very detached and numb.

Ian watched as the girl listened attentively to the voice narrating the life of a Bidoof before spacing out and then listening again. The girl may be coping, but it seemed as if her true emotions were just as repressed as her memories. She didn’t ask him anything about her past and the friend that have died for her. Ian wasn’t sure whether the girl was pushing her past aside or pushing her past behind.

I like that you have Violet kind of traumatized. A lot of people would just write her as being cute, which isn't very complex... I also like the way she displays her trauma, how she's ok at times, but is spacey and/or sad at others. It seems like she's having trouble processing everything that's happened to her... Anyway, I think it's pretty realistic.

“Professor Quest speaking,” Ian said after answering his phone.

“Quest,” a deep and cold voice responded. “I’ve been informed that the ruins I’ve sent you to investigate have been destroyed.”

Ian bit back a hiss and scratched the back of his head. “Yes, sir,” he confirmed. “I was there before it was completely obliterated. I barely escaped with my life.”

It was the truth, but it didn’t seem to be enough for the speaker on the other end. “Have you acquired information from this temple before it was destroyed?” the voice demanded.

Ian fought the urge to grunt as he tried to come up with the words to say. Surely he can't provide the existence of the girl, but if he provided nothing again, his job would die with the ruins. “I,” Ian clenched his fists. “I-I saw writing on the walls. Inscriptions I couldn’t understand.”

A noise from the other end told Ian that the speaker was satisfied with the answer, but then another question arose. “Did you take pictures of them?”

Ian hit the wall with a fist. Of course he didn’t, but he didn’t know whether he should be grateful or regretful. The inscriptions would ensure he would keep his job, but they might’ve revealed the existence of Violet and her complicated story. He knew that it was now his job to protect the girl, but if he lost his job as a professor, then he and the girl were both in trouble.

“I was about to,” Ian said, “but the walls started to obliterate, and I had to leave so I wouldn’t be destroyed with the temple.”

A dead silence occupied the other end of the line, and Ian became nervous. He was about to ask what the speaker thought of his response, but then a click from his phone ended the conversation. Ian stared at his phone in horror at the realization that his boss had hung up on him.

God, I love this conversation; there was a dark sense of humor to it. ...It was supposed to be funny, right? The way the boss is so completely unconcerned with Ian's safety? I'd replace this line, though: It was the truth, but it didn’t seem to be enough for the speaker on the other end. with something about a pause on the other end. The timing was a little off, and the fact that it wasn't enough for the boss is self-evident.

“I’m telling you, Taboden, you’re going to love it here in Genesis.”

Taboden kept his arms crossed and eyes glued to the window. The plane ride from Hoenn was rough from the storm the plane went through to get here, and the jet lag wasn’t making the trip any more bearable. But 3044 was over, and the trip had been postponed enough. As much as he wanted to stay in his hometown of Verdanturf, Taboden knew it was his dad’s turn to have him for the year, and he was going to live with it whether he wanted to or not.

And he really didn’t want to.

“I’ve moved to a different street and the house there is grander. I assure you, you won’t be bored one bit,” his dad informed.

Taboden only rolled his eyes and grunted. Leave it to his dad to think a bigger house means a happier stay. But honestly, his dad wasn’t the only one that thought this way. Even his mom thought that the fancier stuff you had, the happier you’d be. But Taboden knew first-hand why that philosophy wasn’t correct. If it was, his parents would still be together.

“I just have to make a phone call, one moment,” his dad said. Taboden rolled his eyes again and stared blankly at the trees outside. The sun was setting though, so he could only see their shadows. “Professor Quest! How have you been?”

Said man made a startled noise at the other end. “It’s me, Anthony,” Anthony told him. “You seem shaken up there, you alright?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Quest assured.

“Excellent!” Anthony cheered. “So will you still be able to make it to tonight’s meeting?” The response from the other end was wordless, but there was a lot of shuffling. “You didn’t forget, did you?”

“No, no, sir,” Quest said. “I didn’t.”

“Great!” Anthony cheered again. “Meet me at the big restaurant in Route 102 tonight at 7. It’s the only restaurant there, and it’s huge so you won’t miss it.”

When the man on the other end agreed, Anthony said his goodbyes before hanging up the phone. When he looked at his son, he frowned. “Is there anything bothering you, son?”

Taboden had dirty blonde hair ruffled about on his head, which reminded Anthony of what he looked like when he himself was a kid. But Taboden had his mother’s jaded eyes, which reminded him that they weren’t the same person.

“Nothing,” Taboden muttered, still avoiding eye contact. Anthony knew he was lying, but only sighed and carried on with his affairs.

Ooh, a new element! I'm interested in Taboden already, and I'm looking forward to seeing how he fits into the plot! I think he'll make a good contrast to the cheerful Violet.

“Alakazam?” Ian called out tiredly as he trudged through the halls. “Alakazam? Violet?” Ian was about to open the door to the living room, but someone beat him to it. “Lucy?”

“Shh,” Lucy hushed with a finger on her lip. “Be very quiet.”

Ian blinked as Lucy motioned him inside the room. Alakazam was sitting on the couch, concern plastered on her face. Ian immediately stiffened and ran in front of the couch.

Lying there was Violet, sweating and shivering at the same time. Her body was covered by a thick blanket and her head was being held up by one of the couch cushions. A moist toilette was placed on her forehead, and a thermometer was placed in her mouth.

“When I first took her temperature, it was 105 degrees,” Lucy whispered. “Her temperature had gone down, but not that much.”

“Is she gonna be okay?” Ian knelt beside Violet. “What happened?”

“I came here before 12 when I felt her forehead growing hot,” Lucy told him. “Then she convulsed and started coughing violently. I know you told me she’s been having regular chest pains, but the one she had was causing her a lot more pain. I was about to get the pain medication, but then I saw this.”

Lucy lifted the blanket off Violet’s chest and folded back the folds she cut on Violet’s shirt. Ian was about to ask, but then he saw what was beneath the folds.

Freshly etched on Violet’s skin was a large black inscription, and Ian’s eyes widened when he realized that the mark was similar to the inscriptions he saw at the ruins. “When I pulled up her shirt, this was being engraved on her skin,” Lucy explained. “It was like someone or something invisible was tattooing it on her chest. Her convulsions didn’t stop until the mark was finished.”

Ian clenched his fists when Violet shivered and groaned. “Violet,” Ian whispered as he glared at the giant mark on her skin. “What is happening to you?”

Poor Violet! Interesting, though... I wonder what it means?

Tears streamed down his eyes as he watched his home become demolished by machinery he can’t define. The creatures controlling the contraptions held an indifferent expression as they shoved away trees and his loved ones living inside them. Sometimes there were just bodies being cast aside, bloody and lifeless as the ones a few miles back.

He barely escaped with his life. He didn’t dare attack these monsters, because then they would locate him and annihilate him like they did with his family. So he stayed quiet and hidden as he watched his life become destroyed before his eyes. He contemplated in horror if he would be able to live on his own, and cried harder as the screams of his friends told him he would have to. When he saw one of the contraptions nearing his hiding place, his secret sanctuary, he ran as quickly as he could before it too was demolished.

Then he saw fire, a lot of it, and he scurried away when an explosion detonated close to his right. A sharp ringing screeched inside his head, and he roared in agony only to realize he couldn’t hear. Only the rumbling of machinery reminded him of his situation, and he dove into the smoke in hopes of retreating into the valley ahead.

He tried to make out figures within the dark smoke, but it became hard to see anything with tears streaming down his eyes. He wailed loudly in mourning, but his own cries were still unheard. That’s when he remembered the stories he would hear about the same thing happening to his kind somewhere around the world, and how he would dismiss them thinking it would never happen to him.

He wailed again, but stopped when the rumbling on the ground became stronger. Fear escalated in his system until he finally reached the bottom of the hill. He quickly made his way up to get as far away as possible. He told himself not to look back, but stopped to turn around anyway. Because that’s when his hearing started to return, and he listened as the cries of sorrow and fear escalated before disappearing into silence. Then he could only hear his own cries of sadness and fear before he stopped crying all-together.

Tears wouldn’t do any good, he told himself. Crying won’t bring them back. So he wiped his tears away and stared at his ruined home in hatred. His land, his friends, his family, will be avenged, he vowed to himself. But it won’t be an ordinary revenge, it will be a revolution. How many years should his kind have to put up with the misery of having them around? How many more years should his kind suffer until they realize they can never find peace with those monsters?

Only time will tell who was going to survive in this world, but he wasn’t going to wait for his kind to be extinct before they realize the truth. Only one species will survive in this planet, and if he and his kind want to be the ones that survive, they can’t live in harmony anymore.

Great conflict set-up! I really like how this foreshadows things to come.

Still doing a great job overall, keep it up!
 
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ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Chapter 06 (Short, But Bitter)

Warning: This chapter contains violence. Reader discretion is advised.


"Focus, milady," Lucario instructed. "Do not worry about the size. You must first learn how to conjure the energy into your hands."

"I am," Violet growled.

The two of them were back at the lake. The sun was shining above them, baking them in summer heat. Sweat trickled down Violet's face as she struggled to retain blue light in her hands. It was her upteenth attempt, and she still didn't gain much progress.

Lucario sighed. "Perhaps we should try another move. Maybe one with water."

Blue light conjured into Violet's hands again, but disappeared the same second.

"No!" Violet puffed. "I can do this!"

"Maybe it is too advanced," Lucario told her. "You may possess SOME control over your powers, milady, but mastering moves such as this is going to take more time. Maybe we should learn other moves beforehand."

"No!" Violet repeated. "I can do this! I just...show me how to do it again!"

Lucario sighed again. "Very well."

He raised his arms to be parallel to each other. A blue sphere spiraled from his palms, whirring as it enlarged. Violet watched it crash into the lake. The still surface of the water shattered into bits, creating a mist that cooled their skin.

"That was amazing," Violet exhaled.

Lucario looked at her and smiled. "Thank you."

"How did you do it?" Violet asked. "How did you make it work so freely into your hands?"

Lucario only looked at her before turning to the lake. The ripples were disappearing, and the water was becoming still again. Lucario saw his reflection forming on the crystal surface, which looked back at him with a vacuous expression. Violet was about to call his attention, but he turned back before she could articulate anything.

"Think of yourself as this lake," Lucario told her. "Aura is a manifestation of not only your thoughts and emotions, but who you are as a whole. Before you can use it to fight, you have to understand it for what it is."

Violet gave him a look. "What are you talking about?"

Lucario walked closer to the lake and motioned Violet to do the same. They turned to their reflections.

"Like water, you have to be at peace to see everything clearly," Lucario explained. "Only when you find stillness in yourself can you see what is there. But if you are in conflict with yourself," he hit the water with his palm, their reflections disappearing again, "you are in conflict with everything, and control is out of your reach."

Violet frowned. "I don't understand."

"You need to know who you are," Lucario explained. "You cannot fight with what you are if you do not know who you are. Right now, you are young and naive, so things aren't going to make much sense. But as you grow older and encounter more things in life, everything will fall into place; and when they do, you will not only see the world for what it is, but how to survive in it."

"But I already know who I am," Violet remarked. "I'm the one that's gonna save the world, remember?"

Lucario frowned and turned back to the lake. The waves were slowly disappearing from sight, returning their reflections.

"You will understand someday," Lucario stated. "After you go through great pain and chaos, you will understand."

Violet rolled her eyes.

"Will meditating help?" She asked. "You said I have to be 'still' right?"

Lucario turned to her again and smiled.

"Yes," he said. "Yes, it would."


"She'll be more comfortable here," Ian stated.

Lucy frowned and tucked Violet into bed. "I'm just glad she's calmed down," she stood up. "Her blood pressure is relatively normal now. She just needs rest."

The three conscious occupants in the room shifted awkwardly on their spots. Their last visit to the room didn't end well.

"Well," Ian headed for the door. "I'm going back to work."

"Work?" Lucy raised an eyebrow. "It's almost 2 AM."

"Well I've just been assigned something that could save my job, so I'm gonna do it," Ian told her. "You know your way out."

"Hold on," Lucy called out. "I need to talk to you."

"It's almost 2 AM in the morning," Ian retorted mockingly, "and don't you have to get home to Matt? He's probably pissing himself wondering why you're not answering his calls."

"I told him I'd be late," Lucy growled, " "besides, this is important."

Ian glared at her, and she daringly returned it. Alakazam glared at the both of them, reminding them of the sleeping girl.

"Fine," Ian grunted. "We'll talk in my office."

He whipped his head and stormed out of the room. Lucy huffed and followed him.

Alakazam shook her head at both of them. She then turned to Violet and smiled. There was technically a sick person in the lab, and everyone knew that sick people were treated to Alakazam's special soup.

---

"Why would you leave Violet alone?" Lucy demanded. She and Ian were in Ian's bedroom, which also happened to be his office.

"Alakazam was taking care of her," Ian stated, "and you know Alakazam would never let anything happen to her. She's practically a mom!"

"That doesn't matter!" Lucy retorted. "You can't just rely on a pokémon to take care of a child! She just came from being raised by pokémon and they ended up killing her!"

"May I remind you that she's not dead?" Ian remarked. "Those very same pokémon killed themselves to revive her again!"

"But they're not Alakazam," Lucy reminded. "Those pokémon probably knew Violet all her life and Alakazam has only known her for a few days! You think Alakazam would protect her like those pokémon did?"

"Don't you talk about Alakazam like you know her!" Ian snapped. "And don't talk to me like you know me, because you don't know me either!"

"Of course I know you; don't give me that crap!" Lucy retaliated. "Maybe if you stopped thinking about yourself, you could see that!"

"I'm thinking only about myself?" Ian widened his eyes. "Keep in mind that Violet has been in my care since I found her practically dead! I'm at the point of losing my job taking care of her while you're getting spoiled by that damned husband of yours!"

"Don't bring Matt into this!" Lucy barked. "If it weren't for me, she would've been dead by now!"

"Oh now look who's only thinking about herself?" Ian pointed with an accusing hand. "I didn't have to call you! I could've called another doctor!"

"So why didn't you?" Lucy demanded. "Why did you call me instead?"

Ian was silent. Then he stomped towards the door and yanked it open.

"Get out."

Lucy gasped, hurt evident in her eyes. But she took a breath and held back tears.

"Fine!"

She stormed out the door and out of the building. It was still raining outside, but she didn't care. She got in her car and drove away.

Ian grunted and raked his head. He turned around and turned on his laptop, clicking the files Denerro sent him. After reading a few files, he managed to push Lucy to the back of his head. He decided he wouldn't sleep tonight. He would only think about Lucy again.

---

Red eyes stared at Violet from behind the window. Purple gas seeped in through the edges, bringing the intruder inside.

Lightning flashed.

This was her, the intruder confirmed. This was the girl that killed them! If it wasn't for her, they would still be here. They wouldn't be dead. They wouldn't be dead! She should be punished. She should be punished!

The intruder engulfed Violet in its form. Violet squirmed and gasped. The intruder bellowed as its victim struggled to breathe. She was helpless, it laughed as she coughed and wheezed. Pathetic.

Alakazam entered the room with a tray of soup. She smiled and called out to Violet, but froze when she saw what was above her.

The tray fell to the floor.

"Alaka!"

The intruder turned to the approaching psychic pokémon. Its smirk turned into a sneer.

"Gastly."

---

Ian clicked another file. His eyelids felt heavy, but he struggled to keep them open. There were about 300 files to look through, and he only went through six.

Ian grunted and walked to the mini fridge. He opened its door and returned with two bottles of coffee. He snapped the cap off of one and chugged its cold substance. He then looked back at the screen and saw a blonde woman with heavy makeup. She was pretty, he admitted, but had an unfriendly face. He knew it wasn't wise to judge a person on their outside, but he couldn't have another intimidating person walking in his facility. He had to be the intimidating one. Otherwise, his position would be challenged.

Ian clicked the "Reject" button.

Next was another blonde woman with heavy makeup, but with a kinder face. Her smile was small, but her gait was confident. Ian didn't know what to make of her. She looked more like a performer than a scientist, but her file was impressive. She received high marks on well-established schools and had plenty of experience in the field. When he read her paper, he saw well-supported points and findings.

Slowly, but surely, he clicked "Accept".

Ian sighed. It was his first acceptance so far, and it would be a while before he made another. He didn't want a fool to wander into the residential wing and discover who was hiding there. He wanted a small, but reliable team.

The screen rattled. When Ian stood up, he was thrown back when the room trembled. He stiffened.

Explosions!

Ian immediately ran out of the room, stumbling when another explosion shook the building. When Alakazam cried out from the distance, he ran even faster.

---

Alakazam scanned the room. Violet was right behind her, unconscious, but Gastly was hidden in smoke, laughing. The gas pokémon was powerful, and his drive to kill Violet made him even stronger. Alakazam, on the other hand, was weakening. She rarely partook in battles, so her battle with Gastly quickly exhausted her. She shot a glare at the smoke. She knew Gastly was only waiting for her to collapse. What he would after, she didn't know.

Ian burst into the room.

"Alakazam! Violet!" he called out. "Where are you?"

Ian jumped when red eyes glared at him. He was then thrown back into the hallway by an invisible force. He tried to get back inside, but the door was locked.

"Hey!" Ian pounded. "Open the door!"

But his command was drowned out by an explosion. Ian tackled the door, but fell back and howled in pain. The door was thick and solid, and it probably just dislocated his shoulder.

Ian grunted and struggled to get up. Once he was on his feet, he limped to the kitchen. There was a toolbox there, and inside it was a chance.

---

"Alaka..."

The smoke slowly cleared to reveal her opponent. Gastly was at the other side of the room, laughing maniacally. Alakazam wanted to sleep, but knew she had to stay conscious. Violet was convulsing at that moment, and she had to act before it was too late.

With the last of her power, the psychic conjured a shield. Gastly immediately hit it with a Shadow Ball. His eyes were becoming redder, hungrier. The shield wasn't as strong as it was at the temple. It probably would've lasted two or three hits at best, and Gastly was getting closer and closer to that breaking point.

Alakazam started shaking, but refused to give up. She raised her hands to cover Violet with the blanket. If she couldn't protect the girl from her attacker, she could at least protect her from the fumes.

But something grabbed her wrist. Violet's eyes suddenly opened and flashed purple. Alakazam looked too deeply, and her eyes also flashed purple. She and the girl neared each other, their bodies disappearing into an expanding light.

---

Ian carried the toolbox with his good arm, but its weight slowed him down. He wanted to run towards Violet's room, but he was panting and wheezing, and the pain in his left arm was unbearable. He wanted to stop and rest, but knew he couldn't do that. Alakazam was in danger.

Bright light seeped through Violet's door, purple light flashing the opposite wall. Ian immediately thought of Alakazam and gasped.

He limped faster.

---

When the light faded away, Gastly squinted to where the bed was. Violet was gone, and Alakazam was in her place. Alakazam's eyes, however, were glowing violet. Her head was smaller, and her snout was replaced by a familiar face. A short brown skirt covered her upper thighs, and it flapped from the energy radiating from her spoons.

"Wanna play?"

Gastly froze.

"Let's play!"

Gastly immediately launched a Shadow Ball, but it was deflected with a swipe of a spoon. The ball landed on the ground with a boom, making the room tremble.

Alakazam started walking. Gastly tried to stop her with more Shadow Balls, but each one kept getting deflected.

"What's the matter?" Alakazam asked, her words graveled by multiple voices. "You scared?"

Gastly growled and released poisonous gas. He laughed as the gas surrounded them, covering the room with toxic fumes.

But then he stopped moving. Out of his will, his body started moving forward. He flailed frantically to regain control, but it was no use. He was screaming at that point, fear escalating as Alakazam got closer.

---

Ian dropped the toolbox and yanked it open. He raised a wrench to hit the door handle, but was stopped with purple gas. Ian stepped back, his head spinning with nausea.

The wrench fell to the floor. A body fell after it.

---

Gastly trembled as Alakazam's eyes became darker. The gas around them was becoming thicker, but his gaseous form was disappearing.

"Don't worry," Alakazam told him. "It'll be over soon."

Gastly was gone. The gas in the room started fading out the window, which was forced open by earlier explosions. The sound of fallen rain echoed in Alakazam's ears, as well as the roar of thunder. Then, joining the orchestra, the sound of sirens.

Lightning flashed.

Alakazam was on the ground, unconscious. Violet was on her feet, eyes wide and teary. She heard voices hollering from outside, but instead of feeling relief, she felt frightened. She quickly opened the door to the hallway, but stopped when Ian's body blocked her.

Violet gasped and staggered back. She knelt down to shake him, but suddenly stood up. Voices started coming from the hallways then. She quickly ran back inside the room and leapt out the window. People and pokémon outside saw her jump, but instead of seeing her fall, they saw her speed through the sky like a bullet.

"What was that?" an officer asked.

Sergeant Matthew Burns followed the flying figure with his eyes. He squinted to identify it, but lost it when lightning flashed again.

"I don't know," he turned to the lab, "but we're going to find out."
 
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Hakajin

Obsessive Shipper
Hello everyone!

I apologize for the late update. My laptop stopped working and job training is limiting my free time.

Luckily, I managed to finish this chapter in my phone. Unfortunately, updates will take longer this way.

But no matter! Long-awaited updates are better than no updates at all. Thank you guys so much for bearing with me. I appreciate the support.

Now on to the story!

Eheh, that's ok; seems everyone's been busy these days. Me, too; that's why I'm late with my review (and I was only just able to update my own fic as well).

"Focus, milady," Lucario instructed. "Do not worry about the size. You must first learn how to conjure the energy into your hands."

"I am," Violet growled.

The two were back at the lake within the woods. The sun was shining above them, baking those below it in summer heat. Sweat trickled down Violet’s face as she struggled to retain the blue light in her hands. It was about her fiftieth attempt, and she still didn’t gain much progress.

Lucario sighed. "Perhaps we should try another move. Maybe one with water."

Blue light conjured into Violet’s hands once again, only to disappear the same second. Violet grunted and glared at Lucario. "No!" she puffed. "I can do this!"

"Maybe it is too advanced," Lucario said. "You may possess some control over your powers, milady, but mastering moves such as this is going to take more time. Maybe we should learn other moves beforehand."

"No!" Violet repeated. "I can do this! I just...show me how to do it again!"

Lucario sighed again. "Very well."

Good to see that Violet has her weak areas as well as strengths. Also good to see how determined she is to master attacks; that's endearing.

Lucario only looked at her for a few seconds before turning to the lake. The ripples were disappearing, and the water was becoming still once more. Lucario saw his reflection forming on the crystal surface, which looked back at him with a vacuous expression. Violet was about to call for his attention, but he turned back before she could articulate anything.

"Think of yourself as this lake," Lucario started. "Aura is a manifestation of not only your thoughts and emotions, but who you are as a whole. Before you can turn it into a sphere and use it to fight, you have to understand it for what it is."

Violet gave him a look. "What are you talking about?"

Lucario walked closer to the lake and motioned Violet to do the same. When she did, they turned to their reflections. "Like water, you have to be at peace to see everything clearly," Lucario explained. "Only when you find stillness in yourself can you see what is there. But if you are in conflict with yourself," he hit the water with his palm, their reflections disappearing again, "you are in conflict with everything, and control is out of your reach."

Violet turned to him and frowned. "I don't understand."

"You need to know who you are," Lucario explained. "You cannot fight with what you are if you do not know who you are. Right now, you are young and naive, so things are not going to make much sense. But as you grow older and encounter more things in life, everything will fall into place; and when they do, you will not only see the world for what it is, but how to survive in it."

"But I already know who I am," Violet remarked. "I'm the one that's gonna save the world, remember?"

Lucario frowned and turned back to the lake. The waves slowly disappeared from his sight, bringing out their reflections once again. "You'll understand someday," Lucario stated. "After you go through great pain and chaos, you will understand."

How very Buddhist. I think probably. Anyway, the stuff about the Aura being an expression of the self is an interesting take on it, and it makes sense, given the nature of the attack. Effective use of the reflection to represent introspection, too. It's true that you learn about yourself through adversity, because you learn about how you behave and react. Although... I'm not so sure you have to be still in order to know yourself. I mean, there's no one emotional state that's "you;" I think the more emotions you experience, and the more you know how you respond to those emotions, the better you know yourself. Although that may not go along with the philosophy being represented here...

The three conscious occupants in the room shifted awkwardly on their spots. Their last visit to the room with Violet unconscious didn't end very well. So the three were silent for a few minutes until Ian broke the silence. "Well," He said before heading for the door. "I'm going back to work."

"Work?" Lucy raised an eyebrow. "It's almost 2 AM."

"Well I've just been assigned something that could save my job, so I'm gonna do it," Ian stated. "You know your way out."

Lucy frowned. "Hold on," she said, causing Ian to sigh and give her an impatient look. "I need to talk to you."

"It's almost 2 AM in the morning," Ian restated with a slightly mocking tone, "and don't you have to get home to Matt? He's probably pissing himself wondering why you're not answering his calls."

Lucy noted the extra frost in his voice and pushed it aside. She remembered her anger towards him and put on a hard face. "I told him I'd be late," she stated. "Besides, this is important."

Ian glared at her, which she daringly returned. Alakazam glared at the both of them, reminding them of the sleeping girl in the room. "Fine," Ian growled. "We'll talk in my office."

Damn, Ian! Grow up already! Seriously, Matt's obviously a good guy, Lucy obviously loves him... It's really, really childish of Ian to show his resentment over that. ...I've come to expect that kind of thing from his character, though, so it's not like it's out of character.

Red fuming eyes stared hatefully at Violet as their owner fumed behind the window. When lightning flashed, violet gas seeped through the sealed window, bringing the intruder inside the room.

This was her, the intruder confirmed. This was the girl that killed them.

If it wasn't for her, they would still be here, the intruder grimaced. They wouldn't be dead. They wouldn't be dead!

Their lives were inside this girl, the intruder realized. She didn’t deserve to live, he thought. She had no right to live off of their lives! She should be punished. She should be punished!

With utmost dedication, the intruder engulfed Violet in its gaseous form. Violet squirmed at the exposure before slowly escalating into fits of violent coughing and wheezing. The intruder laughed as its victim struggled to breathe. It was helpless, the intruder laughed louder. Pathetic.

Just then, Alakazam entered the room with a bowl of hot soup. She smiled and called out to Violet, but froze when she saw what was hovering above her. The tray holding the bowl of hot soup and spoon fell to the floor, shattering and spilling at her feet.

"Alaka!" Alakazam called out and ran towards the bed.

The intruder turned to the approaching psychic Pokémon, a sneer forming widely on his face. "Gastly."

Ominous! I wonder how the Gastly knows about the other Pokemon... Oh, but I like that you used that attack; the flavor text that told about the suffocation attack always stuck out in my mind.

Ian sighed and clicked on another file. His eyelids felt heavy, but he struggled to keep his chin on his palm. There were about 300 files in total to look through, and he only went through six. It may be a weekend, but there was a lot that needed to be done. Sleep wasn't one of them.

Ian grunted and walked to the mini fridge in his room. He opened its door and returned to the desk with two bottles of coffee. He snapped the cap of one off and chugged its cold substance. Unsweetened and bitter, just the way he liked it.

When he looked back at his screen, he saw a blonde woman with heavy makeup. She was very pretty, but had an unfriendly face. Ian knew it wasn't wise to judge a person on the outside, but he couldn’t have another intimidating person walking around his facility. As the boss, Ian knew he had to maintain a dominant appeal. Otherwise, his position would be challenged.

He automatically clicked the "Delete" button before clicking on the next file. Who he saw next was another blonde woman with heavy makeup, but with a kinder face. Her smile on the picture was small, but her gait was confident. Ian didn’t know what to make of her. She looked more like a performer than a scientist, and he wondered if there was a glitch in the file.

He continued reading her file and was thoroughly impressed. She received high marks on well-established schools, had lots of experience, and excelled in interpersonal communication. When he clicked on her work, he was taken aback from her points and findings. She would make an excellent addition to the team, he decided, and clicked on the "Accept" button.

It was his first acceptance so far, and he knew it would be a while before he would make another one. After all, he wanted his team to be small, efficient, and trustworthy. The last thing he needed was a fool to wander into the residential wing and discover who was hiding there.

Ha, love the comment about how Ian likes his coffee; that fits so well with his character. I also enjoyed seeing what Ian looks for in a co-worker... and it's interesting to see that he wants to remain in a dominant position. That may seem self-centered to some, but I don't think it is. He knows how he works best, and he has a lot of sensitive information to protect. Very interested in the woman he chooses... Looking forward to seeing what kind of person she is, and how she interacts with the others. Wonder if there are any shipping opportunities there? Eheh, sorry, that's where my mind immediately goes.

When the light faded away, Gastly squinted his eyes to where the bed was. Violet was gone, and Alakazam was in her place. This infuriated Gastly. Something didn't feel right, but he charged towards the bed anyway.

Alakazam’s eyes glowed violet. Her head was smaller and her snout was replaced by a familiar face. A short brown skirt covered her upper thighs, and it flapped from the energy released by her spoons. "Wanna play?" Alakazam stood up. Gastly stopped in his tracks, frozen by a female voice speaking with other unfamiliar voices. "Let’s play!"

Gastly launched a Shadow Ball at Alakazam, only to have it deflected by a swipe of a spoon. The ball landed on the ground with a boom, making the room tremble. Alakazam smirked and started walking towards Gastly. Gastly shot more Shadow Balls, only to have each one deflected as well. "What’s the matter?" Alakazam asked. "Are you scared?"

Gastly growled at this and released poisonous gas around the room. It laughed as the gas surrounded them, but was interrupted when he lost control of his body. He struggled to move away, but his body continued to slowly move forward.

That's... interesting. I'm not entirely sure of what I just saw, but that was the point, right?

When lightning flashed, Alakazam was on the ground unconscious. Violet remained standing, eyes wide at the realization of what she had done. She heard voices hollering from the outside, but instead of feeling relief, she felt frightened. She immediately ran out the door, only to find Ian laying there unconscious. Voices started echoing from inside the hallways now, and Violet didn't stay put. Without thinking, she ran back inside the room and leapt out the window. People and Pokémon outside saw her jump, but instead of landing on the ground, Violet sped through the sky like a bullet, into the stormy clouds.

She can fly? Well, I guess that makes sense, considering all the Pokemon moves she knows. Although, one thing you need to be careful with with this character is making her over-powered. If you do that, it's like, why does she need someone to protect her? Seems like she can handle herself.

Officer Matthew Burns followed the flying figure in the sky, but lost it when lightning flashed again. "I don’t know," Matt answered before turning to the lab, "but we're going to find out."

I'd change the name of the first officer, because I automatically assumed he was Matt.

Overall, strong chapter as usual, good character and plot development!
 

ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Chapter 07 (You're Not Alone)

Warning: This chapter contains violence. Reader discretion is advised.


Taboden opened his eyes to see that at last, the rain had stopped. The skies were still dark, but light was seeping over the horizon, telling him it was morning.

Taboden immediately hopped out of bed and opened the window. The moist chilly air made him shiver, but the smell of sea salt made him shiver in delight. There wasn't much to like about his father's home, but the one thing Taboden loved was the short distance to the ocean.

Taboden snatched his raincoat and dashed out of the room. He made his footsteps light so his father wouldn't wake up. The mansion was so vast and unfamiliar, it would've been easy to get lost in it. But Taboden got a tour the other day, and there was one place he made sure to remember.

"Hello, Taboden. You're up rather early today."

Taboden grinned. He entered the garage and ran to the old man sitting at a table. The man was holding a newspaper in one hand and a coffee cup in another. He lowered the paper and gave the boy an amused look.

"Of course!" Taboden stopped in front of him, leaning over to catch his breath. "We want to leave before father wakes up!"

"Don't you want to have breakfast first?" the man nodded to his right. "The staff has leftover pancakes."

"Naw, I'm good!" Taboden shook his head. "Now c'mon! Let's go! Let's go!"

The old man laughed and stood up.

"Alright," he said. "Let's go."

The old man was Truman Sparce, and he had been Taboden's chauffeur since Taboden was a younger boy. Taboden's parents had just divorced when Truman had met him. The boy was as traumatized as any six year-old would've been. He often walked in small steps, his eyes glazed and distant.

So Truman drove him to the ocean. He didn't know why, even to that day, but he had no regrets. Six year-old Taboden ran to the ocean the second the limo parked in front of it. Truman remembered his heart melting as he watched him run. He remembered the joy he felt when he instructed Taboden to stay in shallow water.

He also remembered his panic when Taboden didn't hear him. He only watched in horror as the boy swam into deeper waters. He immediately went after him, but the waves shoved him back. He was forced to return to the beach, where he knelt on the sand, turned to the heavens, and pleaded the boy came back alive.

Fortunately, he did, and, oblivious to his butler's horror, looked absolutely ecstatic.

"Give me more time!" Taboden had pleaded. "I promise I'll be back!"

Truman couldn't believe his ears. He was about to scold him, yell at him, and threaten to tell his father; but the boy's dull and shade-less eyes were bursting with life, and Truman couldn't say no. So the chauffer sighed, sat on the sand, and waited for the boy to return.

But Taboden didn't return until an hour later. Truman didn't restrain his angry worrying then, but Taboden was too happy to be bothered, and only promised to return sooner. Truman remembered how wide his eyes were when Taboden told him his adventure. The boy swam to depths no human can withstand, yet didn't seem to suffer from any pressure nor trauma. Questions swam through Truman's head like a whirlpool. Speaking of whirlpools, did Taboden get sucked into one? How was he able to stay underwater for so long? Why didn't his body succumb to pressure? There were a lot of dangerous pokémon down there--did the boy get attacked by any of them?

Suddenly, Truman was afraid. Not of the boy, but for him. So much so, he took him by the shoulders and told him not to tell anyone about his venture, not even his father.

"Why?" Taboden had asked.

"Because the world is a terrible place," Truman had told him, "and it is cruel to things it doesn't understand."

"What's not to understand?"

Truman became silent for a moment, careful to choose his words wisely.

"You are very different," he then said, "but very special too. That's why you need to keep this a secret, okay? So no one will hurt you or your loved ones."

Taboden gasped. "Am I a superhero?"

Truman blinked. He definitely wasn't expecting that. But he smiled and ruffled the boy's hair.

"Yes," he said. "Yes, you are."

Taboden jumped and performed a triumphant dance.

"Yes!" he cheered. "I'm a superhero, I'm a superhero!"

"Shh!" Truman hushed. "It's a secret, remember?"

Taboden suddenly stopped dancing and nodded.

"And as long as you keep it a secret," Truman continued, "you can come here every day. How does that sound?"

Taboden's eyes immediately widened. He let out another cheer before doing another happy dance. Truman smiled. There was something about the boy's joy that gave him hope. He promised himself that day that he would maintain that joy. That was why he was there again in that present time, driving the boy to his favorite destination. He himself hadn't been there for a while; it wasn't the same without Taboden.

---

"Sir..."

"Yes, what is it?" an older man approached. "Did you find out what the bogey was?"

The man that called out to him shifted in his seat.

"N-no sir," he answered slowly. He was new at the job, and wasn't anticipating how his superior would respond to his next words. "It disappeared..."

---

Taboden couldn't have been happier. The move back to Genesis may had been stressful, but he was finally back at sea, so there wasn't much to complain about.

He heard Truman scolding him as he ran in his underwear. He was shivering like crazy, but the water was calling to him, and he didn't dare slow down. His toes were stiff as he was running, but melted like ice when they touched the water.

The boy let out a cheer before diving to his expedition.

---

It was almost 3 AM when Lucy came home. Matt was worried sick, but Lucy brushed him off and plopped on the bed. She was grateful her husband didn't pester her that time. When he hugged her and rested his head on hers, she became even more relieved. It was one of those moments that made her wish that time would stand still. Unfortunately, Matt was off the bed an hour later. A while after that, so was she.

Ian and Alakazam were just admitted to the hospital. Ian was unconscious in one wing, while Alakazam was down in another. The doctors had yet to determine their conditions, but the patients' sleep-deprived states made whatever they had much, much worse.

Violet, on the other hand, was nowhere to be found. The nurses didn't mention anything about a Jane Doe, but Lucy knew better than to ask. Where was Violet, she asked herself instead? What happened to her? Was she the one that sent Ian and Alakazam to the hospital? Wait! Lucario said she needed protecting, right? What if something tried to attack Violet, but Ian and Alakazam intervened? Did they succeed? Did they protect her?

Did...did they fail?

Lucy fell to the ground.

"Doctor!" one of the nurses ran to her. "Doctor, are you alright?"

Lucy didn't say anything. She couldn't. She sat on her collapsed knees and started to tremble. Violet is okay, she told herself. She's safe and sound, and no one is trying to hurt her.

But images of Violet in pain raced through her head, and she felt herself coming to the verge of tears.

"Call her husband," another nurse ordered, prompting the other nurses to walk to another direction. Lucy gasped and tried to stop them, but then another person arrived.

"What's going on?" Zeaburg entered the scene.

The doctor looked to be in his fourties, but his thinning hair and heavy eye bags made him look older. Lucy flinched when he looked down at her. He was her supervisor after all.

"Dr. Burns?"

"I-I'm fine," Lucy stood up. But she did so with struggle, and her superior wasn't convinced.

"Go home, Burns," Zeaburg commanded. "We'll get another doctor."

"No!" Lucy gasped.

Zeaburg's eyebrows furrowed, and his frown turned into a scowl.

"I will not have defiance, Burns," he stated. "You are obviously not fit to work today."

Lucy was about to retort, but he stopped her.

"I was about to call you off the patients anyway," Zeaburg continued. "Your husband requested you to step down. You're too close to the patients."

Lucy stared at him, completely lost for words. Then she was pulled in by familiar arms.

"I got her, Dr. Zeaburg," Matt told him. Lucy tried to pull away, but the cop was strong. "She'll be back to work soon, but I can't promise when."

"Take your time, sergeant," Zeaburg nodded. "I'll make sure the patients are taken care of."

"Wait, hold on!" Lucy spoke up, but Matt pulled her away before she could say another word. They were soon walking the hallways, much to Lucy's frustration. With the last of her strength, Lucy made a sharp turn and shoved her husband off. Matt stumbled and steadied himself before he hit the walls. He shot his wife a glare, and Lucy heatedly returned it.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lucy demanded. "What gives you the right to make decisions and control me like a child?"

Matt maintained his glare as he reached into his pocket. He took out his ID and badge, but they were slight alterations to them.

"I'm the new sergeant, sweetheart," Matt told her sweetly. Lucy narrowed her eyes at the sarcasm in his voice. "I wanted to surprise you with the news last night, but you came home late, again. Without telling me, again."

Lucy's glare intensified. She knew where that was going.

"Why don't we talk in your office?" Matt suggested.

"You can't tell me what to do," Lucy crossed her arms. "Ian and Alakazam need my help, and no one, not even you, can stop me from helping them!"

Matt suddenly tugged her, hard.

"We can either talk in your office or an interrogation room," he threatened. "Take your pick."

His face was calm the whole time, but the slight crack in his voice made Lucy guilty. She had hurt him, she realized. Even though he was a bossy new sergeant that took his job too seriously, he was still her husband, and she was still his wife. He had been patient with her for a while now, and she was pushing his limits when he was only doing his job.

"Okay, honey," Lucy whispered.

Matt's face stayed hard, but his grip on her wrist loosened, just a little bit.

---

When Violet looked down, she saw herself standing on a weary bridge. The wood moaned and creaked beneath her, leaking dust beneath her feet. When Violet jumped in surprise, the structure rocked turbulently in protest. Violet stood as still as possible then, carefully turning her head instead.

The bridge connected two separate cliffs of land: an almost pitch black realm in front of her, and a slightly less dark realm behind her. In the more illuminated ground, Violet made out trees and slivers of grass. In the darker setting, Violet was blinded by a dense fog that was too thick for her to see through. Violet didn't know which land was more appealing, but had to pick one quickly. The bridge proved to be too fragile. One misstep, and she could fall into the darkness she seemed to be surrounded by. How Violet could see anything at all, she didn't know.

"Hello there."

Violet gasped. She almost jumped, but forced herself to stay still. A short figure was standing not too far away from her. The figure looked exactly like her, but had a few distinguishing features. It wore a black dress instead of Ian's clothes, and its skin was paler, almost lifeless. Its eyes...weren't present. Two empty holes were staring at Violet. Violet started to tremble when the figure stepped closer.

"Don't be afraid," the figure told her. "I'm your friend."

Violet didn't believe it at all. Its voice sounded just like hers, but it was more ominous, more malicious.

"Wh-Who," Violet spoke out, "who are you?"

"I'm you, silly," the figure giggled. "Don't you recognize me?"

"Who are you?" Violet asked again.

The figure tilted its head.

"What a shame," it said, "after everything I've done to protect you."

Violet narrowed her eyes. "H-how did you protect me?"

If the figure had eyelids, it would've blinked; but because it didn't, the figure only stared at Violet. And smiled.

"Who do you think saved you from the gastly?"

Violet froze. She didn't know what a gastly was, but knew what it was talking about.

"You...y-you..."

"That's right," the figure confirmed. "You didn't think it was you who did that, did you?"

Violet didn't answer. She didn't know what to answer.

"Well whether you believe it or not, you're alive because of me," the figure told her. "It's only fair that you repay me for saving your life. How about your eyes?"

Violet stepped back.

"As you can see, I don't have any, and yours are very pretty."

"I-Is that why you brought me here?" Violet trembled. "To get my eyes?"

The figure tilted its head.

"I didn't bring you here," it said. "You came here on your own. I would never force you to be here. I'm your friend, remember? I'm you."

Violet cringed. "A-Are you really?"

The figure laughed out, unnerving Violet more with its deep laughter.

"Of course I am!" it said. "You and I are the same. You don't remember that because you don't have your memories. But once you regain them, you and I will be one again, just like before!"

Violet felt uneasy. She swallowed with difficulty since her mouth became dry.

"B-but if you're me," she said, "shouldn't we have the same memories? Shouldn't we both not know who we are?"

The figure widened its eye-less holes, but only for a fraction of a second.

"I know who we are," it said, "but you have to know it too or we're not gonna be one. We are powerful, more powerful than you can ever imagine! We are capable of things no living creature can comprehend. Many will tell us who we are, and what we are meant to be, but that's because they can't accept what we really are; but once we become what we are meant to be, we will fulfill our purpose."

Violet swallowed. "A-And what purpose is that?"

The figure smiled. "You'll find out," it said. "Just remember not to let anyone tell you what to be. No matter who they are, they're wrong."

Violet immediately thought of Ian, Alakazam, and Lucy. They had shown nothing but kindness to her, so they couldn't mean her harm. Then again, she didn't know who they really. She just met them, after all.

"It seems that our time is up," the figure then said. "But we'll meet again...Violet. That's what you're calling yourself now, right?"

Violet flinched.

"Do you, " she asked, "do you know what my real name is?"

"That's also something you have to find out yourself," the figure stated.

Violet frowned. "Can you at least tell me what your name is?"

"I'm you, remember?" the figure smiled. "You can call me 'Violet' too."

Violet shifted in place. She was about to suggest something else, but the figure, along with everything else, suddenly disappeared. Darkness surrounded her, and the only thing she could hear was the rapid rush of wind. That was when she realized she was falling, but before she could grasp anything, she was submerged in water.

---

Taboden smiled when a group of Chinchou waved at him with their antennae. That was the third time pokémon greeted him that day, and he was glad they had missed him as he had missed them. He was so deep into the ocean, light barely touched his skin. Fortunately, it didn't have to; Taboden could see everything perfectly. Now that he thought about it, Taboden could never see anything in the dark on land. Down in the ocean, however, deep in the salty floor, everything was crystal clear.

Taboden sighed when he spotted a hole at the edge of a boulder. He discovered a tunnel there three years ago, and it led him to large cavern. He couldn't fit in the hole at that time since he was bigger, and it tormented him to know that he could never return. Maybe he could bring a pokémon, he thought. It could enlarge the hole without disturbing other pokémon.

Taboden jumped when a deep roar echoed through the water. Then lightning flashed above him, and he realized it was thunder.

A storm was coming. It didn't seem like an ordinary storm, however. That particular one seemed to have emotion. Lightning flared at the gray skies above as thunder rumbled the waters. Taboden covered his ears. The thunder was deafening, and he was underwater. Imagine how loud it must've been on the shore.

Taboden immediately started making his way back up. Truman must be calling out to him from the beach, crouched anxiously with a towel in his hands. But the thunder seemed to be the one calling out to him that day, like a voice commanding him to hurry. Taboden grumbled. He knew it was stupid to think a storm was commanding him to rise, but for some reason, he didn't dare brush it off. The thunder was booming with authority. Even if Taboden didn't know what the consequences were, he knew they would be there if he didn't obey.

As if to enforce that, the thunder became even louder. The currents became stronger too. They shoved at Taboden so hard, Taboden started losing his dive. Taboden clicked his tongue. The ocean never overpowered him before.

But then he saw it. More specifically, her.

Taboden, with utter disbelief, swam faster to take a closer look. It really was a girl, a young one around his age. She was dressed in baggy clothes, which was strange considering they were unsuitable for swimming. She had short black hair that floated freely around her, and white skin that reflected palely against the lightning. Taboden stared at her with wide eyes. Where she came from, he didn't know, but one thing he was certain of: she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

Taboden continued to stare at the girl until thunder boomed again. That was when he realized the girl's eyes were closed, and that she, unlike him, was probably drowning. Taboden immediately took her in his arms and headed for the surface. He paddled up hurriedly with one arm while clutching the girl with another. The two soon broke through the surface, where they were immediately pelted by rain. Taboden raised the girl's head to his and swam to shore. The waves seemed to be pushing them there, expediting their trip. The winds were aiding them too, but were strong and making Taboden shiver.

Truman, as expected, was waiting at the beach with a towel.

"Hurry, Taboden!" he called out. "Hurry! Huh?"

Truman squinted his eyes. He then rubbed them both and squinted again. Taboden seemed to be struggling, which was odd considering he was almost an expert in swimming, if not the best in the world. It wasn't until Taboden ran on the sand did Truman see what his burden was.

"Quick!" Taboden ran to him. "Give the towel to her!"

Her? Truman blinked, but the towel was snatched before he could ask. Taboden wrapped the girl in the towel before holding her in his arms. His eyes were wide, even wider when he shook her.

"Truman, what do I do?" he asked. "She's not waking up, what do I do?"

Truman had an idea, but before he could say it, Taboden laid the girl on the sand…

And kissed her.

---

Matt opened the door and waited for Lucy to pass him. Lucy's office was small. Medical journals covered the walls while a desk stood in the far middle of the room. Two chairs were placed in front of the desk, and the couple sat on them, facing each other. Lucy could've sat in her large leather chair, but didn't think it was appropriate for the situation.

"So," Matt started, "what were you doing in Ian's place?"

Lucy bit her lip. "You know I can't tell you that," she said. "It's classified."

"Ian and Alakazam are in the hospital," Matt reminded. "Is whatever you're protecting worth more than their lives?"

"They were fine when I left," Lucy stated. "I don't know what happened to them, I swear."

Matt sat up.

"Has it occured to you that whatever you're keeping a secret might be the reason Ian and Alakazam are here?" he asked, his voice rising. "Do you think the other officers wouldn't eventually find out you were there and suspect you?"

Lucy gasped. "Do you seriously think I would hurt them?"

"I don't know, Lucy!" Matt replied. "I don't know what to think! That's why I'm asking you, Lucy! To tell me what I need to think!"

"I already told you, Matt!" Lucy retaliated. "I have nothing to do with Ian and Alakazam's attack! I wasn't even there when it happened! I was with you, remember? I came home to you!"

"But what if you didn't come home, huh?" Matt stood up. "What if you were there when they were attacked?"

"But I wasn't!" Lucy stood. "I'm here, aren't I? I'm innocent!"

"Damn it, Lucy!"

Matt stepped away and clutched his head. His chest was heaving, and his eyes squeezed shut. He didn't say anything for a while, allowing them to calm down.

"If my bosses find out you're involved," he said in a calmer voice, "I'll be put off the case."

"Don't they already know?" Lucy asked. "Wasn't that the reason you took me off my job?"

"I told them you were close to the patients, that was all," Matt said. "I don't know what would've happened if I told them the truth."

Lucy narrowed her eyes. "What truth?"

"I don't know," Matt sighed. "But I'm begging you, please, tell me."

Lucy stepped back, but he clutched her shoulders. She was about to yank him off, but froze when she saw his eyes.

"I don't want to fight, Lucy," Matt told her. "I'm your husband. I'm here to help you, not hurt you. Why can't you see that?"

Lucy bit her lip. She was so caught up in preserving her secret, she didn't see the damage it was causing to her marriage. Matt was doing so much for her, even when she seemed like she was breaking the law, and she repayed him with coldness and distrust. She made him look like the enemy when he only wanted to help.

"I'm sorry, Matt," Lucy shook. "I'm so sorry."

Matt wrapped his arms around her, and Lucy returned his embrace.

"I'm sorry too," he responded, walking them to his chair. They held each other for a while, contemplating the mess they were in.

---

He trudged forward weakly, searching for a sign of water. How long had it been since he escaped what used to be his home, he didn't know. But since he was on his own now, he had to be strong.

If only that wasn't so hard.

He jumped when something came out from the trees. His wobly legs started to shake, but they were sturdy, ready to attack. Especially if the intruder was--

A little girl, no older than seven, emerged from the shadows. She wore a frilly pink dress with matching ribbons in her curly brown hair. Her blue eyes searched the terrain until they saw the limp creature to her left.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

He stepped back, his legs almost stumbling. He eyed the girl as she neared him.

"I'm looking for my mommy and daddy," she told him, "but you seem like you need help too. You thirsty?"

The girl reached for her backpack, but before she could take out anything, the creature lunged. The girl flailed and screamed as the creature pounded her with his legs. She cried for her parents, but was silenced when the creature stomped on her face.

Then the girl's struggles stopped, along with her screams for help. She fell limp on the grass, dead.

The creature stepped back. He only trembled as the corpse stared blankly at the sky. He was about to run, run and never return. But then he smelled something, something sweet and familiar.

Crushed and almost empty a few distance away, was a bottle of water.

---

Taboden shivered. He watched people do CPR before, but he didn't think he was doing it right. Also, he was kissing her. He never kissed a girl before, and never wanted to, yet there he was, and still was.

Truman didn't move. Just as Taboden was, he was conflicted with emotions. Taboden was always a little boy to him, so seeing him do such a grown-up act was almost heart-wrenching. And it wasn't even with a girl he liked! It was someone drowning in the ocean!

Truman understood what Taboden was doing. Or, at least, trying to do. Taboden didn't tilt her head, pinch her nose, or give her chest compressions. His mouth wasn't even open to breathe air into her lungs. He was just kissing her.

Truman was about to correct the boy and his faulty procedure, but took out his phone instead. The girl needed help, and Taboden didn't look like he pulling away any time soon.

Come on, Taboden thought. Get out, you stupid water!

Taboden jumped when the girl coughed out water. The girl tried to sit up, but yelped and landed back on the sand. Truman's eyes were wide as can be.

Did Taboden's faulty CPR really work?

"Are you okay, miss?" Taboden asked.

The girl jumped. She slowly opened her eyes, curious and afraid. When she finally looked at them, she shocked them both.

Are those, Truman blinked, violet eyes?

Taboden, on the other hand, didn't know what to think. People didn't usually have violet eyes, and it scared him a little to see how different they were. But wow, he breathed out. They were beautiful.

The girl started to shiver.

"W-where am I?" she asked. "Who a-are you?"

She has a nice voice, Taboden told himself, and it scared him even more. Was it normal to be that perfect? Was she human at all?

"My name is Truman," Truman introduced. "And this is Taboden," he gestured to the boy. "He was the one that rescued you."

The girl blinked. "R-rescued me?"

She made another move to sit up. Then the searing pain in her arm came back, and she yelped before plopping back on the sand.

"Let me see your shoulder," Truman leaned to her. "Hmm," he hummed, "it seems that you have broken your arm. Did you fall into the ocean?"

The girl bit her lip. She heard the word "ocean" a few times on TV, but couldn't remember what it was. She did remember falling and getting wet. But everything was black when she was falling, and she could see her surroundings now, no matter how gray they were.

"We have to call you an ambulance," Truman unlocked his phone. "Don't worry, we'll get you help soon."

The girl gasped. "Wait, no!" She remembered the word "ambulance" from one of the TV shows and didn't like what she saw next. "L-Lucy!" she then said. "I want Lucy!"

"Lucy?" Truman asked. "Who's Lucy?"

"She's a doctor!" The girl explained. "She helps me all the time! I want her!"

Truman looked away. "Lucy," he repeated. "Is her last name 'Burns' by any chance?"

The girl frowned. She couldn't remember what a last name was, nor could she remember if it was Lucy's.

"I don't know," she said. "But she has red hair."

Truman smiled. "I'll call and see if it's her," he searched for the number. "She happens to be my doctor too. She was there when my wife passed away and helped me cope with it since."

The girl tilted her head.

"What's a wife?" she asked.

Truman stopped and looked at her incredulously. Taboden, who was staring at her the whole time, also stared with wide eyes.

"It's the woman you marry," Taboden answered.

The girl jumped and turned to him. She forgot he was there, so she took the time to look at him. He had flattened dirty blonde hair and green eyes that were almost yellow. He was shivering like crazy, but didn't seem to mind as he stared right back at her.

"She isn't answering."

The kids turned back to Truman.

"Hello, Dr. Burns, this is Truman Sparce speaking," Truman then said. "Taboden and I found a girl you might know. She was drowning in the ocean, but Taboden saved her so she's fine now. She did break her arm, but refuses to see anyone but you. Her name is..." Truman turned to the girl. "What's your name, dear?"

"Violet."

"Violet," Truman continued. "I'll bring her to the beach house so you can see her. Call me as soon as you can, please."

Truman hung up the phone and turned back to the children. "Let's get into the beach house and out of the rain," he told them. "I'll carry you, Violet."

"No, I'll do it!" Taboden said. He immediately stood up, then sneezed when he got on his feet.

"Goodness, Taboden, here," Truman took off his coat and handed it to him. "Your father is going to be angry when he sees you with a cold."

"I'll take the heat," Taboden brushed him off. "Besides, carrying her will keep me warm."

"Taboden, she might be too heavy for you," Truman told him. "And besides, she's injured. We don't want to cause any her more harm."

"I got this!" Taboden knelt down to Violet. "Don't worry," he said. "I'm gonna take care of you."

Violet yelped when he lifted her off the ground. She flinched against his chest and used her good arm to hang on. She didn't like being babied like that. She already had that treatment with Ian, Alakazam, and Lucy. But the freezing cold and her broken arm were still there, and they were very good at convincing her to behave.

"Let's go!" Truman said. "And hurry before we catch a cold."

"Got it!" Taboden said. It was hard to run on the sand and carry someone at the same time, but Taboden didn't mind. Violet looked up at him before leaning on his shoulder.

"Thank you," she murmured.

Taboden heard her and beamed.

"You're welcome!"

---

Matt and Lucy were just about to speak again when Lucy's desk phone started ringing. Lucy moved to get it, but Matt kept her in place.

"Matt," she grumbled. "The phone."

"Shh," Matt hushed. "You're not working right now. Let it go to voice mail."

Lucy rolled her eyes but stayed in place. She gave him a kiss on the cheek before leaning on his shoulder.

"Hello, Dr. Burns, this is Truman Sparce speaking."

The familiar voice caught Lucy's attention, but it was what it said next that made her stand up.

"Taboden and I found a girl you might know. She was drowning in the ocean, but Taboden saved her so she's fine now. She did break her arm, but refuses to see anyone but you. Her name is...Violet."

Lucy immediately fell to the floor. Matt immediately fell to her side. "Wha--"

"Shh!"

"I'll bring her to the beach house so you can see her," Truman continued. "Call me as soon as you can, please."

Lucy immediately jumped to get the phone, but the speaker hung up before she could respond.

"Oh my…" Lucy gaped.

She immediately pulled out her cellphone.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Matt asked. "Who's Violet?"

"Hold on!" Lucy shrieked. The phone on the other end was ringing, and Lucy waited impatiently for someone to answer. After what seemed like years, someone did.

"Dr. Burns?"

"Yes, Truman," Lucy responded shakily. "Is V-Violet really there with you?"

"Yes, she is," Truman responded. "We just arrived at the beach house. Taboden is setting her down at the couch."

"Can I speak to her?" Lucy asked.

"Of course," Truman replied. There were voices faintly speaking to each other on the other end. Lucy's suspense grew immensely as the carrier of the phone started to change.

"Lucy?"

Lucy collapsed to her knees, but Matt was there to catch her this time.

"V-Violet!" she coughed out, tears streaming down her face. "Oh goodness, Violet, where are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm in Truman and Taboden's house," Violet responded. "My arm hurts, but they're making me feel better. They're making me soup right now!"

Lucy took a deep breath before letting out a shaky sigh.

"T-that's good," she laughed out. "Stay w-where you are, o-okay? I-I'm gonna c-come there and see you, o-okay? I'll g-get that arm fixed."

"Okay!" Violet chirped. "I'll see you soon!"

"B-bye, Violet."

Lucy collapsed in Matt's chest, hanging to his shoulders for dear life.

"She's okay!" she exhaled shakily. "She's okay!"

"Who's okay, Lucy?" Matt asked.

Lucy hesitated for a moment. Then she shook her head and gripped his shoulders.

"Matt," she looked him in the eyes. "This girl is very important to me. I'll let you meet her, but only if you keep her a secret."

"So she's the secret you've been hiding?" Matt asked.

Lucy nodded. "Y-yeah."

"Who is she?"

Lucy wiped her tears away and stood up.

"You'll know when you meet her," she told him. "Come with me."

Matt, too relieved to gain his wife's trust, stood up and smiled.

"Let's go."
 
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The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
I'm sorry I'm so late.

"Focus, milady," Lucario instructed. "Do not worry about the size. You must first learn how to conjure the energy into your hands."

"I am," Violet growled.

The two were back at the lake within the woods. The sun was shining above them, baking those below it in summer heat. Sweat trickled down Violet’s face as she struggled to retain the blue light in her hands. It was about her fiftieth attempt, and she still didn’t gain much progress.

Lucario sighed. "Perhaps we should try another move. Maybe one with water."

Blue light conjured into Violet’s hands once again, only to disappear the same second. Violet grunted and glared at Lucario. "No!" she puffed. "I can do this!"

"Maybe it is too advanced," Lucario said. "You may possess some control over your powers, milady, but mastering moves such as this is going to take more time. Maybe we should learn other moves beforehand."

So Violet can use Aura as well, I'm assuming. That's fitting, and unlike most times characters have powers, this is established well right off the bat.

Is the water move Lucario referenced perhaps Water Pulse?

"No!" Violet repeated. "I can do this! I just...show me how to do it again!"

Lucario sighed again. "Very well."

Lucario leaned with one leg bent forward and the other leg outstretched behind him. He raised his arms to be parallel to each other and squinted his eyes. A deep blue sphere spiraled from his palms, and Violet watched in fascination as the sphere launched itself into the lake. The still surface of the water shattered into bits, creating a mist that cooled their burning skin.

I just thought, is someone like Violet able to use Aura without the inherent risks to humans shown in the cases of Ash, Aaron and Riley?

"That was amazing," Violet exhaled.

Lucario looked at her and smiled. "Thank you."

"How did you do it?" Violet asked. "How did you make it work so freely into your hands?"

Lucario only looked at her for a few seconds before turning to the lake. The ripples were disappearing, and the water was becoming still once more. Lucario saw his reflection forming on the crystal surface, which looked back at him with a vacuous expression. Violet was about to call for his attention, but he turned back before she could articulate anything.

I wonder if Lucario as a species is simply more able to communicate with Aura than a human is. It may not be easy for Lucario to explain this.

"Think of yourself as this lake," Lucario started. "Aura is a manifestation of not only your thoughts and emotions, but who you are as a whole. Before you can turn it into a sphere and use it to fight, you have to understand it for what it is."

Violet gave him a look. "What are you talking about?"

Lucario walked closer to the lake and motioned Violet to do the same. When she did, they turned to their reflections. "Like water, you have to be at peace to see everything clearly," Lucario explained. "Only when you find stillness in yourself can you see what is there. But if you are in conflict with yourself," he hit the water with his palm, their reflections disappearing again, "you are in conflict with everything, and control is out of your reach."

Violet turned to him and frowned. "I don't understand."

It is difficult to understand, but Lucario is doing a good job explaining it.

"You need to know who you are," Lucario explained. "You cannot fight with what you are if you do not know who you are. Right now, you are young and naive, so things are not going to make much sense. But as you grow older and encounter more things in life, everything will fall into place; and when they do, you will not only see the world for what it is, but how to survive in it."

"But I already know who I am," Violet remarked. "I'm the one that's gonna save the world, remember?"

Lucario frowned and turned back to the lake. The waves slowly disappeared from his sight, bringing out their reflections once again. "You'll understand someday," Lucario stated. "After you go through great pain and chaos, you will understand."

Violet gave him an incredulous look and rolled her eyes. "Will meditating help?" She inquired. "You said I have to be 'still' right?"

Lucario turned to her again and only looked at her for a few seconds. Then he smiled. "Yes," he said. "Yes, it would."
[/I]

I'm really liking the relationship between Lucario and Violet. The innocence on her part and protectiveness on Lucario's is touching.

In the last two lines, they might read better if you simply said "Violet rolled her eyes" and "Lucario looked at her for only a few seconds." What I suggest you cut doesn't establish new information, it more repeats what was already clear.

"She'll be more comfortable here," Ian stated as Lucy tucked Violet into bed. He, Lucy, Alakazam, and Violet were back in Violet’s room. The guest room was officially Violet’s room, and Ian wondered how long it would be so.

Rewrite for simplicity: "He, Lucy, Alakazam and Violet were back in Violet's room, which had once been the guest room. Ian wondered how long she would keep it."

"I'm just glad she’s calmed down," Lucy said as she stood up straight. "Her blood pressure is relatively normal too. She just needs rest."

The three conscious occupants in the room shifted awkwardly on their spots. Their last visit to the room with Violet unconscious didn't end very well. So the three were silent for a few minutes until Ian broke the silence. "Well," He said before heading for the door. "I'm going back to work."

Another clarity edit: "Their last visit to the room while Violet was unconscious didn't end very well, so the three shifted awkwardly, remaining silent until Ian broke the silence a few minutes later."

"Work?" Lucy raised an eyebrow. "It's almost 2 AM."

"Well I've just been assigned something that could save my job, so I'm gonna do it," Ian stated. "You know your way out."

Lucy frowned. "Hold on," she said, causing Ian to sigh and give her an impatient look. "I need to talk to you."

"It's almost 2 AM in the morning," Ian restated with a slightly mocking tone, "and don't you have to get home to Matt? He's probably pissing himself wondering why you're not answering his calls."

Wow, Ian, that's a little uncalled for.

Lucy noted the extra frost in his voice and pushed it aside. She remembered her anger towards him and put on a hard face. "I told him I'd be late," she stated. "Besides, this is important."

Ian glared at her, which she daringly returned. Alakazam glared at the both of them, reminding them of the sleeping girl in the room. "Fine," Ian growled. "We'll talk in my office."

He whipped his head away and stormed out of the room. Lucy huffed at this and followed him. Alakazam looked at the both of them and shook her head. She then turned to Violet and smiled. There was technically a sick person in the house, and everyone knows that every sick person is treated to Alakazam's special soup.

Is she really "technically" sick? That's not really necessary to add, I think.

I like the little touch about Alakazam's soup, it establishes her character further.

"Why would you leave Violet alone?" Lucy demanded. She and Ian were in Ian’s bedroom, which was also his office. Lucy fumed by the doorway while Ian leaned against his desk.

"Alakazam was taking care of her," Ian stated. "And you know Alakazam would never let anything happen to her. She's practically a mom!"

"That doesn’t matter!" Lucy retorted. "You can’t just rely on a Pokémon to take care of a child! She just came from being raised by Pokémon and they ended up killing her!"

"May I remind you that she's not dead?" Ian remarked. "Those very same Pokémon killed themselves to revive her again!"

"But they're not Alakazam," Lucy reminded. "Those Pokémon probably knew Violet all her life and Alakazam only knows her for a few days! You think Alakazam would protect her like those Pokémon did?"

They both actually have valid points here, if you can recognize where they're each coming from.

"Don't you talk about Alakazam like you know her!" Ian snapped. "And don't talk to me like you know me, because you don't know me either!"

"Of course I know you; don't give me that crap!" Lucy retaliated. "Maybe if you stopped thinking about yourself, you could see that!"

"I'm thinking only about myself?" Ian widened his eyes. "Keep in mind that Violet has been in my care since I found her dying in the rain! I'm at the point of losing my job and getting sleep deprivation taking care of her while you get spoiled by that damned husband of yours!"

Ian, no. You're pushing too far this time. There's no need to take this this far.

"Don't bring Matt into this!" Lucy snapped. "If it weren't for me, she would've been dead by now!"

"Oh now look who's only thinking about herself," Ian pointed with an accusing hand. "I didn't have to call you, you know! I could've called another doctor!"

"So why didn’t you?" Lucy demanded. "Why did you call me instead?"

Ian was silent at this, but then growled. He stomped towards the door and yanked it open. "Get out."

Lucy gasped, hurt evident in her eyes. But she took in a breath and held back tears. "Fine!"

I don't know how I feel right now. Ian's being way too rude to her, but I get the feeling like there's some sort of emotion beneath it? On the other hand, though, he's getting borderline abusive at times.

She avoided eye contact as she stormed out the door and out of the building. It was still raining outside, but she didn't care. She roughly got in her car and drove away.

Ian, who was standing dumbly in his room, grunted and raked his head. He turned around and turned on his laptop, clicking the files Denerro sent him a few hours ago. After reading a few files, Ian managed to push his recent spat with Lucy to the back of his head. He decided he wouldn't sleep tonight, because he knew if he did, he would only think about Lucy again.

You might be able to drop some of the descriptors here, such as "roughly" and "dumbly." Roughly isn't really necessary at all, while dumbly could probably be replaced with a better word.

Red fuming eyes stared hatefully at Violet as their owner fumed behind the window. When lightning flashed, violet gas seeped through the sealed window, bringing the intruder inside the room.

This was her, the intruder confirmed. This was the girl that killed them.

If it wasn't for her, they would still be here, the intruder grimaced. They wouldn't be dead. They wouldn't be dead!

What the...?! So that Pokemon was one from the temple and survived while all the others didn't. I understand it now.

Their lives were inside this girl, the intruder realized. She didn’t deserve to live, he thought. She had no right to live off of their lives! She should be punished. She should be punished!

With utmost dedication, the intruder engulfed Violet in its gaseous form. Violet squirmed at the exposure before slowly escalating into fits of violent coughing and wheezing. The intruder laughed as its victim struggled to breathe. It was helpless, the intruder laughed louder. Pathetic.

A Gengar, I'm guessing. Interesting that it would be a ghost that is upset over loss of life.

Just then, Alakazam entered the room with a bowl of hot soup. She smiled and called out to Violet, but froze when she saw what was hovering above her. The tray holding the bowl of hot soup and spoon fell to the floor, shattering and spilling at her feet.

"Alaka!" Alakazam called out and ran towards the bed.

The intruder turned to the approaching psychic Pokémon, a sneer forming widely on his face. "Gastly."

Or a Gastly, the point still remains the same.

Ian sighed and clicked on another file. His eyelids felt heavy, but he struggled to keep his chin on his palm. There were about 300 files in total to look through, and he only went through six. It may be a weekend, but there was a lot that needed to be done. Sleep wasn't one of them.

Huh, odd that Ian doesn't even notice the commotion going on. His overworking himself might be actually causing active harm.

Ian grunted and walked to the mini fridge in his room. He opened its door and returned to the desk with two bottles of coffee. He snapped the cap of one off and chugged its cold substance. Unsweetened and bitter, just the way he liked it.

When he looked back at his screen, he saw a blonde woman with heavy makeup. She was very pretty, but had an unfriendly face. Ian knew it wasn't wise to judge a person on the outside, but he couldn’t have another intimidating person walking around his facility. As the boss, Ian knew he had to maintain a dominant appeal. Otherwise, his position would be challenged.

That kind of thought process is pretty repellant, but I guess it fits for his personality.

Checking for new staff members? Is that what the files are?

He automatically clicked the "Delete" button before clicking on the next file. Who he saw next was another blonde woman with heavy makeup, but with a kinder face. Her smile on the picture was small, but her gait was confident. Ian didn’t know what to make of her. She looked more like a performer than a scientist, and he wondered if there was a glitch in the file.

He continued reading her file and was thoroughly impressed. She received high marks on well-established schools, had lots of experience, and excelled in interpersonal communication. When he clicked on her work, he was taken aback from her points and findings. She would make an excellent addition to the team, he decided, and clicked on the "Accept" button.

I question what kind of standards he's actually operating on.

It was his first acceptance so far, and he knew it would be a while before he would make another one. After all, he wanted his team to be small, efficient, and trustworthy. The last thing he needed was a fool to wander into the residential wing and discover who was hiding there.

He was looking at a brunette man that also had high potential when an explosion rattled his screen. Ian immediately stood up just as a bigger explosion shook the room. He didn’t need to think about where the explosions were coming from. He ran out of his room and stumbled as another explosion shook the hallway. When he heard Alakazam cry out, he ran faster.

It's about time he noticed.

Alakazam panted as she searched for Gastly in the smoke. She made sure Violet was right behind her, safe from further harm. She was covered in dust and wounds, and even though no serious damage was taken, she was exhausted. Gastly was powerful, and his drive to kill Violet made him even stronger. If hatred had a color, it was in Gastly's eyes.

That's a good way of expressing Gastly's hatred, the color line.

"Alaka," Alakazam glared as the smoke cleared enough to reveal her opponent. The Gastly laughed maniacally, seemingly unaffected by her attacks.

I wonder what attacks Alakazam even used. One Psychic should be able to put Gastly down.

Alakazam wondered what to do. She was on the verge of collapsing, but she knew she couldn't pass out now. The smoke wasn’t making Violet’s condition any better. Still unconscious, Violet sweated and convulsed. Alakazam knew she had to act quickly before it was too late.

With the last of her power, Alakazam conjured a protective shield around them, which Gastly spent no time hitting with Shadow Balls. Gastly laughed again, his eyes redder and hungrier.

Alakazam wanted to lift Violet’s blanket over her head, but before she could touch the fabric, something grabbed her wrist. Alakazam jumped when Violet opened her eyes, flashing an eerie indigo hue. When Alakazam looked too deeply, her eyes also flashed the same color. She and Violet neared each other, their bodies disappearing into the light that spread past Alakazam’s protective barrier. Gastly backed away, watching intently.

Some sort of Aura, but what exactly? And is something happening to Alakazam, I wonder?

A big burst of light filled the room, which Ian noticed through the door's openings. He carried the toolbox with his good arm, but its weight slowed him down. Curious, Ian trudged faster, the pain in the other arm feeling less significant.

When the light faded away, Gastly squinted his eyes to where the bed was. Violet was gone, and Alakazam was in her place. This infuriated Gastly. Something didn't feel right, but he charged towards the bed anyway.

Alakazam’s eyes glowed violet. Her head was smaller and her snout was replaced by a familiar face. A short brown skirt covered her upper thighs, and it flapped from the energy released by her spoons. "Wanna play?" Alakazam stood up. Gastly stopped in his tracks, frozen by a female voice speaking with other unfamiliar voices. "Let’s play!"

...Violet absorbed Alakazam, I think? Like she absorbed the other Pokemon?

Is this a risk she might have to deal with regularly, that when weakened she could, both deliberately and not, have to need to absorb Pokemon like that?

Gastly launched a Shadow Ball at Alakazam, only to have it deflected by a swipe of a spoon. The ball landed on the ground with a boom, making the room tremble. Alakazam smirked and started walking towards Gastly. Gastly shot more Shadow Balls, only to have each one deflected as well. "What’s the matter?" Alakazam asked. "Are you scared?"

I know I would be.

Gastly growled at this and released poisonous gas around the room. It laughed as the gas surrounded them, but was interrupted when he lost control of his body. He struggled to move away, but his body continued to slowly move forward.

Once Ian was in front of the door, he dropped the toolbox and yanked it open. He raised a wrench to hit the door handle, but before he could do so, purple gas seeped into the hallway. Ian tried to hold his breath, but the gas was too powerful. The wrench fell from his hands before he too fell to the floor. Right before he passed out, he heard sirens.

Gastly shook as the eyes that glared at him became darker. It made one last attempt to break free before it cried out in agony. The gas around them was becoming thicker, but his body started to fade away.

"Don't worry," Alakazam sneered. "It'll be over soon."

Great line.

Gastly's cries escalated in ear-piercing volumes before it finally disintegrated. Silence would've followed, but sirens from outside the building overpowered any tranquility. The gas in the room started to fade out the window, which was forced open by the earlier explosions. The sound of falling rain echoed in Alakazam’s ears, as well as thunder.

When lightning flashed, Alakazam was on the ground unconscious. Violet remained standing, eyes wide at the realization of what she had done. She heard voices hollering from the outside, but instead of feeling relief, she felt frightened. She immediately ran out the door, only to find Ian laying there unconscious. Voices started echoing from inside the hallways now, and Violet didn't stay put. Without thinking, she ran back inside the room and leapt out the window. People and Pokémon outside saw her jump, but instead of landing on the ground, Violet sped through the sky like a bullet, into the stormy clouds.

"What was that?" An officer ask.

"What was that?" is an excellently apt question right now. I guess it was less absorption and more temporary fusion, which has some interesting potential places to go itself. I really like this idea.

The "What was that?" line should say ""What was that?" an officer asked." Lowercase the first word outside the quotes if the sentence hasn't ended, and correct the spelling of "ask."

Sergeant Matthew Burns followed the flying figure in the sky, but lost it when lightning flashed again. "I don’t know," Matt answered before turning to the lab, "but we're going to find out."

And a big twist to top things off! I hadn't fully been expecting him to be playing a major role but now it looks like he's much more important than I expected. Well done.

Good chapter overall, some definite improvements from the prior ones. I feel like you've grown quite a bit, so I'm eager to see how the next one is.
 
Last edited:

The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
Taboden opened his eyes to see that at last, the rain had stopped. The skies were still dark, but light was seeping over the horizon, telling him it was morning.

Interesting to start off on his viewpoint. Let's see where he goes.

Taboden immediately hopped out of bed and opened the window. The moist chilly air made him shiver, but the smell of sea salt made him shiver in delight. There wasn't much to like about his father's home, but the one thing Taboden loved was the short distance to the ocean.

I'm assuming he's near the ocean of the Korrova region. Maybe I'm simply forgetting something, and I hope I am not, but I don't think too much of the region has been highlighted quite yet?

It wouldn't be long until it started to rain again, so Taboden snatched his coat and dashed out of the room. He made his footsteps light so his father wouldn't wake up. The mansion was huge, so everything echoed in the halls. But Taboden got a tour the other day, and there was one place he made sure to remember.

"Hello, Taboden. You're up rather early today."

Taboden grinned as he ran to the old man sitting at a table. The old man was reading a newspaper in one hand while drinking coffee in another. He lowered the paper when Taboden entered the room and waited for the boy to catch his breath. "Of course!" Taboden said. "We want to leave before father wakes up!"

The old man chuckled. "Don’t you want to have breakfast first?" he asked. "The staff has leftover pancakes."

"Naw, I'm good!" Taboden shook his head. "Now c'mon! Let's go! Let's go!"

The old man laughed heartily before standing up. "Alright," he said. "Let's go."

The old man was Truman Sparce, and he had been Taboden's chauffeur since Taboden was a young boy. Taboden's parents were just divorced, and decided to take turns with Taboden every two years. The boy was only six and rather shaken up. His steps were always slow, and his words were always hollow.

I'm intrigued by the idea of a character such as Taboden who is actually living a wealthy lifestyle, not merely not having to worry about money in an otherwise normal life.

His backstory is also contributing to him feeling like an interesting character so far. I had seen him as a bit of a spoiled brat previously, but now I see that he is a bit more complex than that. The description of his listless behavior is also a nice bit of wording.

So Truman drove him to the ocean. He didn’t know why, even to this day, but he had no regrets. Because once Taboden saw the ocean, he became alive.

He ran to the water the second the limo stopped, and became deaf to everything but the thunderous waves beyond. Truman's heart melted as he watched him run, and he instructed him to stay in shallow water so he could always see him.

Unfortunately, he didn't. Truman panicked as the boy swam farther into the sea. He immediately ran after him, but the tides were deep, so he had to run back. When Taboden disappeared, Truman cried out, pleading to the heavens the boy came back alive.

I'll be honest, but while I do understand that this is now a flashback, I feel as if you could introduce it as such a little better. I had to re-read it a couple times to realize it was a flashback.

I do like you showing him having a happy memory from his past, though.

Fortunately, he did, and, oblivious to his butler's horror, looked happy. "Give me more time!" He pleaded. "I promise I'll be back!"

Truman couldn't believe his ears. He was about to scold him, yell at him, and threaten to tell his father. But the boy's eyes, which were duller and shade-less just minutes before, were bursting with life. And, for some reason, he couldn't say no. So he sighed, sat on the sand, and waited for the boy to return.

But he returned an hour later, and this time, Truman didn’t hold back. But Taboden was too happy to be bothered, and only promised to come back sooner.

Truman only stared as the boy explained his adventures. He swam in depths no human can widsthand, and didn’t seem to suffer from pressure or trauma. Questions swam through Truman's head like a whirlpool. Did Taboden get sucked in one? How was he able to be underwater for so long? Why didn't his body succumb to pressure? There were a lot of dangerous Pokémon out there--- did he get attacked by any of them?

My heart is warmed by their interactions. They have a good bond, and it's nice to see Truman so concerned for him.

You misspelled "withstand."

Suddenly, Truman was afraid. Not of the boy, but for him. So much, he held him by the shoulders and told him not to tell anyone, not even his father.

Huh, might Taboden actually be similar to Violet? An interesting possibility...

"Why?" Taboden asked.

"Because the world is a terrible place," Truman told him, "and it is cruel to things it doesn't understand."

"What’s not to understand?" Taboden asked.

Taboden's innocence regarding his abilities is another good choice on your part. Far too often, ordinary individuals who discover powers learn them and become "exceptional" nearly instantly. An example sticking in my head right now is how quickly Electro masters his powers and becomes a full-fledged supervillain in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, so I'm happy to see you avoided that.

Truman became silent for a moment, careful to choose his words wisely. "You are very different," he said, "but very special too. That's why you need to keep this a secret, okay? So no one will hurt you or your loved ones."

Taboden gasped. "Am I a superhero?"

Truman blinked. He definitely wasn't expecting that. But he smiled and ruffled the boy's hair. "Yes," he said. "Yes, you are."

Taboden jumped and performed a triumphant dance. "Yes!" he cheered. "I'm a superhero! I'm a superhero!"

Aw, that's cute.

"Shh!" Truman hushed. "It's a secret, remember?" When Taboden stopped and nodded, he continued, "And as long as you keep it a secret, you can come here every day. How does that sound?"

As is that.

pquote]Taboden's eyes immediately widened, and he cheered before doing another happy dance. And as he danced, Truman smiled to himself. There was something about his joy that gave him hope, so he promised himself he would maintain joy.

That was why he was there again, driving him to his favorite destination. He himself hadn't been there for a while; it wasn't the same without the child. He chuckled when he saw Taboden in his pajamas. He would've been worried, but Taboden insisted he wasn't cold. Truman saw no reason not to believe him. They had been doing this for a long time after all.[/quote]

Truman seems like quite a caring person, I like him.

"Sir..."

"Yes, what is it?" an older man approached. "Did you find out what the bogey was?"

The man that called out to him shifted in his seat. He was new at the job, and though his skills in computers were superb, his skills in social interaction held him back. "N-no sir," he answered slowly. "It disappeared..."

Mysterious...

Taboden couldn't be happier. The move back to Genesis was stressful, but he was finally back at sea, so there wasn't much to complain about.

I'll be honest, I'm still struggling with the locations a bit.

He could hear Truman scolding him as he ran in his underwear. He was shivering like crazy, but the water was calling out to him, begging to be with him as he to it.

His toes were stiff against the sand, but once they touched the water, they melted like ice. Soon, Taboden's entire body was submerged, and Taboden let out a muffled cheer before diving to his expedition.

Hm, I think that if Taboden is indeed similar to Violet, then his attributes are probably similar to Water-types or Water-type related.

When Lucy came home, it was almost 3 AM. Matt was worried sick, but she brushed him off and plopped herself on the bed. She was grateful he didn't pester her this time. When he hugged her and leaned his head on hers, she couldn't be happier. It was one of those moments in life that made her wish time would stand still. Unfortunately, Matt was off the bed an hour later. A while after that, so was she.

Her pager beeped right when she was about to sleep again. She had some choice words for the speaker, for, despite her kind nature, she was tired and angry. But when she heard who were just admitted to the hospital, she couldn't get out there sooner.

If this fic is really in the far future as the earlier chapter seemed to imply, interesting that she still uses a pager.

I think the last sentence would be better written as "But when she heard who had just been admitted to the hospital..."

Ian was unconscious in one wing while Alakazam was down in another. They had yet to determine their conditions, but their sleep-deprived states made whatever they had much, much worse.

"The doctors had yet to determine their conditions" makes it clearer.

Violet was nowhere to be found. Lucy didn't know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, but it drove her insane. The nurses didn’t mention anything about a Jane Doe, but she was too afraid to ask.

If it drove Lucy insane, it's probably a bad thing to her.

Where was Violet? What happened to her? Was she the one that sent Ian and Alakazam to the hospital? Wait! Lucario said she needed protecting, right? What if something tried to attack Violet, but Ian and Alakazam intervened? Did they succeed? Did they protect her?

Did...did they fail?

I can appreciate the rapid way her thoughts are hitting her right now. It fits.

Lucy's knees buckled beneath her and she dropped to the ground in distraught. The nurses gasped and surrounded her, trying to get her to stand again. "Doctor!" one of the nurses cried out. "Doctor, are you alright?"

This is a good scene, but you used "distraught" slightly wrong. There's no need for "in" before it. Just say "she dropped to the ground, distraught."

But Lucy didn't say anything. She couldn't. Violet is okay, she said to herself. She's safe and sound, and no one is trying to hurt her.

But the images of Violet in pain haunted her, and she felt herself coming to the verge of tears.

Lucy really has bonded with Violet fast, hasn't she?

"Call her husband," another nurse said. Lucy immediately recoiled, but before she could stop them, another person arrived.

"What's going on?" Zeaburg demanded. He looked to be in his fourties, but his thinning hair and heavy eye bags made him look older. Lucy flinched when he looked down at her. He was her supervisor after all. "Dr. Burns?"

This might just be a personal thing, but I feel like it's a better idea to add some description before naming the person when they're first introduced. By naming Zeaburg first before describing him, I felt like I was supposed to already know him.

"I-I'm fine," Lucy stood up. But she did so with struggle, so Zeaburg wasn't convinced.

"Lucy stood, but had to struggle to do so" sounds and looks better, in my opinion.

"Go home, Burns," Zeaburg commanded. "We'll get another doctor."

"No!" Lucy gasped, but soon realized her mistake. Zeaburg's eyebrows furrowed, and his frown turned into a scowl.

"I will not have defiance, Burns," Zeaburg stated. "You are obviously not fit to work today."

Lucy was about to retort again, but he stopped her. "I was about to call you off the patients anyway," Zeaburg continued. "Your husband requested you to step down. You're too close to the patients."

Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Is it really a problem that she's close to the patients? I'm not sure I understand what the issue is.

Lucy was speechless, but before she could find the words to ask, she was pulled in by familiar arms.

"I got her, Dr. Zeaburg," Matt told him. Lucy glared and tried to pull away, but he tightly kept her in place. "She'll be back to work soon, but I can't promise when."

"Take your time, sergeant," Zeaburg nodded. "I'll make sure the patients are taken care of."

"Wait, hold on!" Lucy spoke up, but Matt pulled her away before she could say another word. With the strength she had left, Lucy shoved him off. Matt nearly hit the wall, but managed to stand his ground and glare at her. Lucy glared back, hard. "What do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "What gives you the right to make decisions and control me like a child?"

I'm glad Lucy is standing up for herself, because, wow, uh... Matt is being quite a bit unpleasant.

Matt maintained his glare as he reached into his pocket. What he pulled out looked to be his new badge and ID. "I'm the new sergeant, sweetheart," Matt told her sweetly, but sarcasm was evident in his voice. "I wanted to surprise you with the news last night, but you came home late, again. Without telling me, again."

Lucy's glare intensified. She knew where this was going.

"Why don't we talk in your office?" Matt jerked his head, pulling her to the direction.

But Lucy planted her feet on the ground. "You can't tell me what to do," she stated. "Ian and Alakazam need my help, and no one, not even you, can stop me from helping them!"

Matt suddenly pulled her, hard. "We can either talk in your office or an interrogation room downtown," he threatened. "Take your pick."

I have a to be a little honest here, I'm finding the way men treat Lucy to overall be a bit of a turn off. Ian I suppose I could live with, given that they weren't currently together and there was existing tension between them, but I can't help but find Matt rather controlling, almost abusive. The way he controls her job and then pulls rank to justify threatening her when she doesn't cooperate with what he wants is rather unsettling.

His face was calm the whole time, but the slight crack in his voice made Lucy guilty. She had hurt him, she realized. Even though he was a bossy new sergeant that took his job too seriously, he was still her husband, and she was still his wife. He had been patient with her for a while now, and she was pushing his limits when he was only doing his job.

"Okay, honey," Lucy whispered. Matt's face stayed hard, but his grip on her wrist loosened, just a little bit.

See, this is exactly why I say what I just did. This sounds like guilt tripping and borderline physical abuse.

Violet looked around. When she looked down, she saw herself standing on a weary bridge. The wood creaked out dust beneath her feet, and when she jumped in surprise, the entire bridge swayed, threatening to drop her. So Violet stood as still as possible, carefully turning her head to look around again.

"Weary" is an interesting choice of words here.

I would like to see more of what she's thinking here, though.

The bridge connected two seperate cliffs of land: an almost pitch black realm far in front of her, and a slightly less dark realm far behind her. In the more illuminated land, she could make out trees and slivers of grass, whereas the pitch black realm was completely immersed in shadow. Violet didn’t know which land was more appealing. But the bridge was long and fragile, and one mistep might send her to the darkness that seemed to surround her. How she could see anything at all, she didn't know.

The speech here is a bit too repetitive, namely in overuse of "land" and "realm."

"Hello there."

Violet gasped. She almost jumped, but forced herself to keep still. She could only shake in place as she stared at the figure not far away from her. The figure looked like a person to be her height, with short black hair and a black dress to match. Its skin was pale, almost lifeless, and its eyes...weren't present. Two empty holes stared back at Violet, and Violet's fear tremored through her body as the figure stepped closer.

Now this is creepy, well done. Using "it" instead of "he" or "she" really enhances that unsettling feeling.

"Don’t be afraid," the figure tilted its head. "I'm your friend."

Violet didn’t believe it at all. Its voice sounded just like hers, but it was more ominous, more malificent. "W-who," Violet spoke out. "Who are you?"

I get what you were going for by trying to use "maleficent" but it doesn't really fit in the tone of the narration. Try using another word with a similar meaning, such as "malicious."

"I'm you silly," the figure giggled. "Don’t you recognize me?"

Ooh, nice. I think I like where this is going.


"Who are you?" Violet asked again, now with a stronger voice.

The figure tilted its head. "What a shame," it said, "after everything I've done to protect you."

I wonder if this is actually something she's seeing in her mind, like, she's visualizing her confrontation with another part of herself.

Violet eyed it. "H-how did you protect me?"

If the figure had eyelids, it would blink. But since it didn't, it just stared at her. And smiled. "Who do you think saved you from the Gastly?"

Violet froze. She didn't know what a Gastly was, but she knew what it was talking about. "You...y-you..."

"That's right," the figure confirmed. "You didn't think it was you who did that, did you?"

Violet didn’t answer. She didn't know what to answer.

"Well whether you believe it or not, you're alive because of me," the figure stated. "It's only fair that you repay me for saving your life. How about your eyes?"

Violet stepped back.

"As you can see, I don't have any, and yours are very pretty."

"I-Is that why you brought me here?" Violet asked. "To get my eyes?"

The figure tilted its head. "I didn't bring you here," it said. "You came here on your own. I would never force you to be here. I'm your friend, remember? I'm you."

Really feeling that mental projection thing right now.

I think it wants her eyes figuratively. As in, it can't see by itself, but it can see when it takes over her body.

Violet cringed. "Are you really?"

The figure laughed out, unnerving her even more with its demonic-sounding laughter."Of course I am!" it said. "You and I are the same. You don't remember that because you don't have your memories. But once you regain them, you and I will be one again, just like before!"

Violet felt uneasy. She swallowed with difficulty since her mouth became dry. "B-but if you're me," she said, "shouldn't we have the same memories? Shouldn't we both not know who we are?"

The figure widened its eye-less holes, but only for a fraction of a second. "I know who we are," it said, "but you have to know it too or we're not gonna be one.

"We are powerful, more powerful than you can ever imagine," the figure continued. "We are capable of things no living creature can comprehend. Many will tell us who we are, and what we are meant to be, because they can't accept what we really are. But once we become what we are meant to be, we will fulfill our purpose."

You left out a quote mark after "one." Although I think that may have been deliberate, but either way, since the entity's lines are uninterrupted by anyone else, "We are powerful..." should be right after "we're not gonna be one." with no line break.

I love where this is going, though. I love elements like this where characters have secrets that make you reconsider everything about them, and you're really delivering it in a well-written, menacing way.

Violet swallowed. "A-and what purpose is that?"

The figure smiled. "You'll figure it out," it said. "Just remember not to let anyone tell you what to be. No matter who they are, they're wrong."

The figure is quite ominous, but I detect a hint of good in there too, what with the "don't let anyone tell you what to be" line. Though that could easily head off on a bad path for her.

Violet immediately thought of Ian, Alakazam, and Lucy. They had shown nothing but kindness to her, but she didn't know who they really are. She just met them, after all.

"It seems that our time is up," the figure then said. "But we'll meet again...Violet. That's what you're calling yourself now, right?"

Violet flinched. "Do you know what my real name is?"

"That's also something you have to find out yourself," the figure said.

Violet frowned. "Can you at least tell me what your name is?"

The figure smiled. "I'm you, remember?" it said. "You can call me Violet too."

Violet shifted in place. She was about to suggest something else, but the figure, along with everything else, suddenly disappeared. Blackness surrounded her, and the only thing she could hear was the rapid rush of wind. That was when she realized she was falling, but before she could grasp anything, she was submerged in water.

This is just getting creepier and creepier. And I have to say, this is really enhancing Violet's development in a way I hadn't expected at first.

Taboden smiled when a group of Chinchou waved at him with their antennae. That was the third time Pokémon greeted him today, and he was glad they had missed him as he had missed them. He was so deep into the ocean, light barely touched his skin. But for some reason, he could see everything.

Now that he thought about it, he could never see anything in the dark on land, but in the ocean, everything was crystal clear.

A bond with the water, perhaps? Intriguing...

The opening for this scene really made me smile.

Taboden sighed when he saw a hole in the edge of a boulder. He discovered a tunnel in it three years ago, and it led him to large cavern. There was a hole in its ceiling, so light was able to illuminate the cave. He couldn't fit in that hole now that he was bigger, and it tormented him to know he could never return. Maybe he could bring a Pokémon, he thought. It could enlarge the hole without disturbing the other Pokémon.

Wonder if there's something of note in there.

Taboden jumped when a deep roar echoed around him. He wondered where such an angry sound could come from, but when lightning flashed the waters above, he realized it was thunder. A storm was coming, but it didn't seem like an ordinary storm. This particular one seemed to have emotion, and from the persistent roaring echoing around him, it seemed to be angry.

I wonder if the storm is somehow linked to Violet?

Truman told Taboden to never stay in the ocean during a storm, so Taboden started making his way back up. He could picture Truman panicking at the shoreline, crouching anxiously at the water with a towel.

But the thunder seemed to be the one calling out to him today, like an authoritative voice commanding him to hurry. Light was becoming scarce, even in the surface, but even if that didn't bother him, lightning illuminated his vision.

Taboden grumbled irritably. He knew it was stupid to think a storm was commanding him to rise, but for some reason, he didn't dare brush it off. The thunder boomed with authority, and even if Taboden didn't know what the consequences were, he knew they would be there if he didn't obey.

Yeah, I'm really thinking that the thunder is coming from an empowered individual such as Taboden, even if it's not Violet. Though Violet feeling herself falling into water is a major hint.

As if to enforce that, the thunder became even louder. The currents became stronger too, and they were shoving him so hard, he started losing control of his dive. Taboden tsked. The ocean never overpowered him before.

"Tsked" is an odd word choice. "Sighed" is probably better.

But then he saw it. More specifically, her.

I knew Violet had something to do with it.

Taboden, with utter disbelief, swam faster to take a closer look. It really was a girl, a young one around his age. She was dressed in baggy clothes, which was unsuitable for swimming. Her short black hair floated freely around her, and her pale white skin reflected pastily against the lightning. Taboden stared at her with wide eyes. Where she came from, he didn't know, but one thing he was certain of: she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

He continued staring dumb-foundedly at her until thunder boomed again. It didn't take a while to realize that the girl's eyes were closed, and that she, unlike him, was probably drowning.

Couple of wording corrections here.

"which was unsuitable" should be "which were unsuitable."

"Pastily" is a word I don't fully understand your intention for, try selecting a word that is more clear.

Aside from those, I like that he is aware of the difference between himself and others due to his powers.

Taboden immediately regained his wits and took her into his arms. He paddled up hurriedly with one arm while clutching the girl with another. They soon broke through the surface, where they were immediately pelted by rain. Taboden raised the girl's head close to his as he paddled them to shore. The waves seemed to be pushing them there, as well as the winds that were making him shiver like crazy. Truman, as expected, was waiting at the beach with a towel. "Hurry, Taboden!" he called out. "Hurry! Huh?"

Truman squinted his eyes. He then rubbed them both before squinting again. Taboden seemed to be struggling, and it wasn't until he started running on the sand did Truman see what his burden was. "Quick!" Taboden said. "Give the towel to her!"

Her? Truman blinked, but the towel was snatched away before he could ask. Taboden quickly wrapped the girl in the towel before holding her in his arms. His eyes were wide, and even wider when he shook her. "Truman, what do I do?" he asked. "She's not waking up, what do I do?"

Truman had an idea, and before he could say it, Taboden laid the girl on the sand…

And kissed her.

Huh, he doesn't mess around, does he?

I have to say that I like how Taboden is turning out to be a more interesting character than I initially gave him credit for.

Matt opened the door and stood patiently for Lucy to pass him. Lucy's office was small, but it felt too big for the both of them. Medical journals surrounded them while a desk stood in the middle of the room. Two chairs were placed in front of the desk, and the couple sat on them, facing each other. Lucy could've sat in her large leather chair, but didn't think it would be fair for either of them.

"So," Matt started, "what were you doing at Ian's place?"

Lucy bit her lip. "You know I can't tell you that," she said. "It's classified."

"Ian and Alakazam are in the hospital," Matt reminded. "Is whatever you're protecting worth more than their lives?"

I can't help but question Matt's motives...

Lucy tsked and looked away. "When I left, they were fine," she said. "I don't know what happened to them, I swear."

Matt sat up in his chair. "Has it occured to you that whatever you're keeping a secret might be the reason Ian and Alakazam are here?" he pointed out, almost angrily. "Do you think the other officers wouldn't eventually find out you were there and suspect you?"

Lucy gasped. "Do you seriously think I would hurt them?"

"I don't know, Lucy!" Matt told her. "I don't know what to think! That's why I'm asking you, Lucy! To tell me what I need to think!"

Yeah, I can't say I like him very much. He still feels like he's more interested in controlling her.

"I already told you, Matt!" Lucy retaliated. "I have nothing to do with Ian and Alakazam's attack! I wasn't even there when it happened! I was with you, remember? I came home to you!"

"But what if you didn't come home, huh?" Matt stood up. "What if you were there when they were attacked?"

"But I wasn't!" Lucy reminded. "I'm here, aren't I? I'm innocent!"

"Damn it, Lucy!"

Matt stepped away and clutched his head. His chest was heaving, and his eyes were squinted shut. He didn't say anything for a few moments, allowing them to calm down. "If my bosses find out you're involved, I'll be put off the case."

Lucy frowned. "Don’t they already know?" she asked. "Wasn't that the reason you took me off my job?"

"I told them you were close with them, that was all," Matt said. "I don't know what would happen if I told them the truth."

Lucy stepped closer. "What truth?" she asked.

Matt finally turned back to her. "I don't know," he said. "But I'm begging you to please, tell me."

Lucy stepped back, but he clutched her shoulders. She was about to yank him off, but froze when she saw his eyes.

"I don't want to fight, Lucy, " he said. "I'm your husband. I'm here to help you, not hurt you. Why can't you see that?"

I'm not sure I really want to answer that question he just asked.

Lucy bit her lip. She was so caught up in preserving her secret, she didn't see the damage it was causing to her marriage. Matt was doing so much for her, even when she seemed like she was breaking the law, and she repayed him with coldness and distrust. She made him look like the enemy when he only wanted to help.

I have to be honest here, I find this to be a case of "show, don't tell." You're telling me that Matt is doing a lot for her and such, and she's the one hurting their marriage, yet everything I see myself contradicts that.

He trudged forward weakly, searching for a sign of water. How long had it been since he escaped what used to be his home, he didn't know. But since he was on his own now, he had to be strong enough to stay alive.

If only it wasn't so hard.

He jumped when something came out from the trees. His wobly legs started to shake, but they were sturdy, ready to attack. Especially if the intruder was---

A little girl, no older than seven, emerged from the shadows. She wore a frilly pink dress with matching ribbons in her curly hair. Her blue eyes searched the grassy terrain until they saw the limping creature on her left. "Are you okay?" she asked.

A flashback? Violet and Lucario perhaps?

He stepped back, his legs almost stumbling. He eyed the girl as she neared him. "I'm looking for my mommy and daddy," she said, "but you seem like you need help too. You thirsty?"

The girl reached behind her to get her backpack, but before she could take out anything, the creature lunged. The girl struggled and screamed as the creature pounded her with his legs. The girl flailed and cried out for her parents, but was silenced when the creature stomped on her face.

Soon, the girl's struggles stopped, along with her screams for help. She fell limp on the grass, dead. The creature, realizing what it had done, stepped back. He only shook as the corpse stared blankly to the sky. He was about to run away, run and never return, but something sweet and familiar caught his nose, and he instinctively turned around. Crushed and almost empty a few distance away, was a bottle of water.

Okay, not Violet, probably not. But intriguing flashback nevertheless...

Taboden shivered from the girl's cold lips. He watched people perform CPR before, but he didn't think he was doing it right. Also, he was kissing her. He never kissed a girl before, and never wanted to, yet there he was, and still was.

I like the stream-of-consciousness style you're presenting his thoughts in here.

Truman, in his state of shock, didn’t move. Just as Taboden was, he was conflicted with emotions. Taboden was always a little boy to him, and seeing him do such a grown-up act was almost heart-wrenching. And it wasn't even with a girl he liked! It was someone drowning in the ocean.

Same here for Truman. I can really feel the bond between them.

Truman understood what Taboden was doing. Or, at least, trying to do. Taboden didn't tilt her head or pinched her nose or even gave her chest compressions. His mouth wasn't even open to breathe air into her lungs. He was just kissing her.

He was about to correct the boy and point out his faulty procedure, but took out his phone instead. The girl needed help, and Taboden didn't look like pulling away any time soon.

It's actually cute how Taboden means well but is doing the CPR wrong, but is trying his best while also acting on sudden emotions. You're getting that across pretty nicely.

Come on, Taboden thought. Get out, you stupid water!

Taboden recoiled when the girl coughed out water. She tried to sit up, but yelped before landing back on the sand. Her eyes were squeezed shut, but one thing for sure, she was alive.

Truman's eyes were wide as can be. Did Taboden's CPR really work?

I was going to say that myself, but since you have Truman questioning it, I wonder if maybe something about them both having powers is what saved her instead of any sort of CPR?

"Are you okay, miss?" Taboden asked.

The girl jumped. She slowly opened her eyes, curious and afraid. When she finally looked at them, she shocked them both.

Are those, Truman thought, violet eyes?

Taboden, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think. People usually don't have violet eyes, and it scared him a little to see how different they were. But wow, were they beautiful.

The girl, realizing she was wet, started to shiver. Cold wind continued to rush in, and the icy rain wasn't helping either. "W-where am I?" she asked. "Who a-are you?"

She has a nice voice, Taboden told himself, and it scared him even more. Was it normal to be this perfect? Was she human at all?

What an apt line of questioning, Taboden. If you only knew...

"My name is Truman," Truman introduced. "And this is Taboden," he gestured to the boy. "He was the one that rescued you."

The girl blinked. "R-rescued me?"

She made another move to sit up, but the searing pain in her arm came back, and she screamed before plopping on the sand.

"Let me see your shoulder," Truman shifted in his spot. "Hmm," he hummed. "It seems like you broke your arm. Did you fall into the ocean?"

I have a visual now of Truman being an Alfred Pennyworth-esque character, and I really like it.

The girl bit her lip. She heard the word "ocean" a few times on TV, but couldn't remember what it was. She did remember falling and getting wet.

But everything was black when she was falling, and she could see her surroundings now, no matter how gray they were. Her head started to spin, and she felt like throwing up.

"We have to call you an ambulance," Truman unlocked his phone. "Don’t worry, we'll get you help soon."

But the girl jumped in place. "Wait, no!" she exclaimed. She remembered the word "ambulance" from one of the TV shows and didn't like what she saw next. "Lucy!" she said. "I want Lucy!"

Good use of Violet learning from television.

"Lucy?" Truman asked. "Who's Lucy?"

"She's a doctor!" The girl explained. "She helps me all the time! I want her!"

Truman looked away in thought. "Lucy," he repeated. "Is her last name 'Burns' by any chance?"

The girl frowned. She couldn't remember what a last name was, nor could she remember if it was Lucy's. "I don't know," she said. "But she has red hair."

Truman smiled. "I'll call and see if it's her," he searched for the number. "She happens to be my doctor too. She was there when my wife passed away and helped me cope with it since."

Nice connection between Taboden's group and the Ian/Lucy group.

The girl tilted her head. "What's a wife?" she asked.

Truman stopped and looked at her incredulously. Taboden, who was silently staring at her the whole time, also looked at her with wide eyes.

Heh, I wonder what's going through Taboden's mind. He wants to teach her.

"It's a woman you marry," Taboden answered. The girl jumped and turned to him. She forgot he was there, so she took the time to look at him. He had dirty blonde hair flattened on his head and green eyes that were almost yellow. He was shivering like crazy, but didn't seem to mind as he stared right back at her.

"She isn't answering."

The kids broke their gazes and turned back to Truman. Truman looked disappointed as he listened to the voice mail. "Hello, Dr. Burns, this is Truman Sparce speaking," he then said. "Taboden and I found a girl you might know. She was drowning in the beach, but Taboden saved her so she's fine now. She did break her arm, but refused to see anyone but you. Her name is..." Truman turned to the girl. "What's your name, dear?"

"Drowning in the beach?" I think "Drowning near the beach" is a little better.

"Violet," Violet answered.

"Violet," Truman continued. "I'll bring her to the beach house so you can see her. Call me as soon as you can, please."

I get the feeling it will be a while before Lucy can get there.

With that, Truman hung up the phone and turned back to the children. "Let's get into the beach house and get out of the rain," he told them. "I'll carry you, Violet."

"No, I'll do it!" Taboden said. He immediately stood up, and then sneezed when he got on his feet.

I like this side of Taboden.

"Goodness, Taboden, here," Truman took off his coat and handed it to Taboden. "Your father is going to be angry when he sees you with a cold."

Huh, I actually forgot about Taboden's father for a while. I wonder about how he will react to Violet...

"I'll take the heat," Taboden brushed him off. "Besides, carrying her will keep me warm."

"Taboden, she might be too heavy for you," Truman told him. "And besides, she's injured. We don't want to cause her more harm."

"I got this!" Taboden knelt down to Violet. "Don’t worry," he said. "I'm gonna take care of you."

Violet yelped when he lifted her off the ground. She flinched against his chest and used her good arm to hang on. She didn't like being babied like this. She already had that treatment with Ian, Alakazam, and Lucy. But with the freezing cold and her broken arm, what choice did she have?

"Let's go!" Truman said. "And let's hurry before we all catch a cold."

"Got it!" Taboden said. It was hard to run on sand and carry someone at the same time, but Taboden didn’t mind. Violet looked up at him before leaning on his shoulder.

"Thank you," she murmured. Taboden heard her and beamed.

"You're welcome!"

Oh man, they're pretty cute together.

Matt and Lucy were just about to speak again when the phone on Lucy's desk started to ring. Lucy moved to get it, but Matt kept her in place. "Matt," she grumbled. "The phone."

"Shh," Matt hushed. "You're not working right now. Let it go to voice mail."

Yeah, I really do not like him at all, unfortunately.

Lucy rolled her eyes but stayed in place. She gave him a kiss on the cheek before leaning on his shoulder. She traced lines back and forth on his skin, realizing how long it been since they had---

"Hello, Dr. Burns, this is Truman Sparce speaking."

The familiar voice caught Lucy's attention, but it was what it said next that got her out of her seat.

"Taboden and I found a girl you might know. She was drowning in the beach, but Taboden saved her so she's fine now. She did break her arm, but refused to see anyone but you. Her name is...Violet."

Lucy immediately fell to the floor. Matt immediately fell to her side. "Wha--"

"Shh!" Lucy hushed.

"I'll bring her to the beach house so you can see her," Truman continued. "Call me as soon as you can, please."

Lucy immediately jumped to get the phone, but the speaker hung up before she could respond. "Oh my…" she immediately pulled out her phone.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Matt asked. "Who's Violet?"

"Hold on!" Lucy shrieked. The phone on the other end was ringing, and Lucy waited impatiently for someone to answer. After what seemed like years, someone did.

"Dr. Burns?"

"Yes, Truman," Lucy responded shakily. "Is V-Violet really there with you?"

"Yes, she is," Truman responded. "We just arrived at the beach house. Taboden is setting her down at the couch."

"Can I speak to her?" Lucy asked.

"Of course," Truman replied. There were voices faintly speaking to each other on the other end, and Lucy's suspense grew immensely as the carrier of the phone started to shift.

"Lucy?"

The voice made Lucy's knees collapse, but Matt was there to catch her this time. Tears were streaming down her face as she struggled to say words. "V-Violet!" she coughed out. "Oh goodness, Violet, where are you? Are you okay?"

Lucy seems to collapse pretty easily...

"I'm in Truman and Taboden's house," Violet responded. "My arm hurts, but they're making me feel better. They're making me soup right now!"

Good to see that Violet is a bit back to normal.

Lucy took a deep breath before letting out a shaky sigh. "T-that's good," she laughed out. "Stay w-where you are, o-okay?" she sniffled. "I-I'm gonna c-come there and see you, okay? I'll g-get that arm fixed."

"Okay!" Violet chirped. "I'll see you soon!"

"B-bye, Violet," Lucy coughed before hanging up. She then collapsed in Ian's chest, hanging to his shoulders for dear life. "She's okay!" she exhaled again shakily. "She's okay!"

Error: you said she collapsed into Ian's chest, but Matt is the one who's there.

"Who's okay, Lucy?" Matt asked, holding her by the waist.

Lucy hesitated for a moment, but shook her head and held him by the shoulders. "Matt," she started. "This girl is very important to me. I'll let you meet her, but only if you keep her a secret."

No, Lucy, you're making a big, big mistake here.

"So she's the secret you've been hiding?" Matt asked.

Lucy nodded. "Y-yeah."

"Who is she?" Matt asked.

Lucy wiped her tears away and stood up. "You'll know when you meet her," she said. "Come with me."

Matt, too relieved to gain his wife's trust, stood up and smiled.

"Let's go."

I don't have a good feeling about him knowing.

Anyway, sorry the review took so long, but all in all I did really enjoy the chapter. The strongest part was Taboden, which I have to admit surprises me. I didn't think much of him at first, but his personality turned out to be way more three-dimensional than I expected, and he has some great interactions with Violet and Truman.
 
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Silawen

Fanfiction Critic
Hello there! I haven't reviewed here in years, but have felt the urge to and randomly selected your story to be the one. Seeing as it's been a while, I'll probably be a bit rusty, so if I say something silly feel free to point it out. I'll just start from the very beginning and see how far I make it.

~​

Ian grunted as another bump on the road caused his van to jerk upwards, making himself, his partner, Alakazam, and the important equipment in the vehicle to shuffle out of place. He heard Alakazam grunt in irritation as well. “Sorry, Alakazam,” Ian apologized. “PHF wanted me to come to this location ASAP. It must be really important if it made them ignore the fact that there’s a storm outside.”

This isn't a bad intro. You've started out with some action, introduced two of the main characters, and given us a setting. However, the dialogue doesn't sound natural to me. Ian mentioning the PHF, the situation, and the weather to his alakazam - who should be aware of most of these things, considering they're in the woods and have clearly been moving for a while now - seems more a way for you to share these things with us than something someone would actually say. Maybe you could introduce these things to us more slowly? Or have him make a joke about it, instead, and thus make it feel less like an info-dump?

“Alakazam,” Ian called out. “I can’t take my eyes off the road right now. Can you look at the screen and tell me if we’re almost there?”

Alakazam leaned forward from the backseat and peered into the screen on the dashboard. The screen was in a form of radar.

The screen was in the shape of a radar? Or the screen was a kind of radar? If so, just call it a radar. There's no need to make it more difficult. Just say 'there was a radar on the screen'. Or 'the alakazam stared at the small radar on the dashboard'.

You also use the word 'screen' repeatedly in this small paragraph. Maybe have Ian motion at the screen and then go 'Can you tell me if we're almost there?' Or say 'It was in the shape of a radar'.

The blue dot represented the van and their destination was represented by a red one. As the blue dot became closer to the red dot, yellow dots became to form around the red dot, incasing the red one in a protective shield. “Alaka!” Alalazam spouted.

Lots of dots. Lots of dots we're being told about matter-of-factly. Instead of us finding out what these dots represent, the narrator is telling us. Have you ever heard the phrase 'show, don't tell'? Try to show us the important things, don't just tell us about them. It'd have been exciting for the readers to figure out what this was. (Even if it's an easy thing to figure out. Which makes the explanation rather unnecessary in itself.)

Also, I believe it's 'encasing'. And 'a protective shield'? How does the narrator know this is a protective shield? How is the reader supposed to know this? Why is the reader supposed to know this? I haven't reader further, but if the yellow dots are good guys you just spoiled something that could have sparked tension. The reader could have been worried about these dots surrounding our heroes. Instead you just gave it away for no reason. Unless they're not good guys, in which case I don't understand the protective shield situation.

Ian turned to Alakazam for a second but then quickly turned back to the road. “What is it, Alakazam?”

“Alaka!” Alakazam pointed to the screen in alarm.

Ian bit his lip and resisted the urge to follow his partner’s finger. “Sometimes I wish I could understand what you’re saying,” Ian confessed. “I can’t turn away from the road, but I can’t stop either. Who knows what will come to us if we—woah!”

Why exactly is Ian asking his alakazam to check the screen if he knows they won't be able to communicate about it anyway? And you're honestly telling me he can't glance away from the road for two seconds? Yes, a dark and dangerous road needs to be paid attention to, but if it takes less than two seconds for them to get into danger, then it won't matter if he's paying attention or not. Humans don't have that kind of reaction speed.

'Who knows what will come at us'

A flash of something tall and yellow stood in the middle of the narrow path, glaring at them with violet eyes. Ian slammed on the brakes hard and managed to stop the van before it hit the yellow figure.

Case in point. He could have glanced over at the screen if he had enough time to come to a halt just now. If he saw this figure in time to brake, it can't have been that dark.

You don't slam on the brakes with anything other than your foot, really. I don't think it's necessary to add that.

Ian squinted and saw that it was a Hypno.

Same here. You squint with your eyes. Readers will understand that without you including it. Include things like this only if it's important. Important enough to point out. Say, if a blind person is suddenly squinting it might indicate something about his vision. Or if someone who is unconscious suddenly twitches. Things like that.

Now, personally I don't capitalize pokémon species, but that's an age-old discussion I'd rather not get into.

“Umm, excuse me, Hypno,” Ian called out. “Will you please move aside? We are in a big hurry to our destination up ahead.”

Will sounds awkward to me. Could/would, even 'can' sounds better to me. I do appreciate that you know how to use direct address and speech punctuation, though! That's always been something I had to explain over and over again.

Same as in the beginning, that last bit - 'to our destination up ahead' - seems like an add-on for the readers' sake, not the character's. 'We're in a big hurry!' gives enough information and there's no reason why he should specify.

The Hypno said nothing, and Ian thought it didn’t hear or understand his request.

Ian thought it hadn't heard or understood his request.

But then a violet force surrounded the van, and the van started to be pushed back.

You're not supposed to start sentences with 'but'. In fact, this one could be tacked onto the one before it quite well. Or just leave out the 'but' and make it 'Then a violet force surrounded the van.'

But then a violet force surrounded the van, and the van started to be pushed back. Ian wailed as the van was shoved backwards, and then wailed again as the van was shoved forward. He turned behind him to see Alakazam’s eyes and spoons glowing white, her white energy surrounding the van.

Violet and white light clashed outside the van as the two psychic Pokémon struggled for dominance.

Lots of repetition again. Try mixing things up! 'The vehicle' would work. Or just use things like 'they', or 'it'. Try not to make things too monotone.

Beside the Hypno, who was now calmer but still vigilant, stood a Lucario with a similar expression.

I'd use 'stood', because otherwise it's another case of repetition.

“Yes,” the Lucario confirmed. “Now I will not ask again. Leave the temple grounds now or face severe consequences.”

“Alaka!” Alakazam protested.

“Then what is your business here?” the Lucario asked.

This lucario threatens them, but then nothing happens when they don't immediately listen. This already sets up this imposing character as not so imposing.

Ian hesitantly exited the vehicle, alarming Alakazam to follow protectively behind him.

'alarming Alakazam enough that he followed protectively behind him' or 'causing Alakazam to follow protectively behind him'.

The Lucario and Hypno stood their ground, and Ian and Alakazam felt other eyes watching them.

There is nothing wrong with this sentence, but I just wanted to point something out. You use this kind of sentence a lot. You have two independent clauses and you combine them by using a comma and then 'and'. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but you do it quite a lot and it might be a good idea to cut them up occasionally too. Different sentences makes for more interesting reading.

Finally, after what seemed like three suspenseful hours, Lucario stepped back.

Hours?? I know you're exaggerating for effect, but there's no way anything seemed like hours. Minutes, sure, but not hours. That's taking the hyperbole a bit too far.

“We have a girl here that is in critical condition,” Lucario explained. “She doesn’t have much time left. We’re doing what we can to help her, but nothing we do seem to be enough. Can you help us?”

So just this stranger telling them they mean no harm and work for the PHF is enough to make them trust him completely? Even though they just threatened them with 'severe consequences' if they didn't leave? Are they mind-readers as well? Why do they suddenly trust this person?

“I cannot tell you,” Lucario explained fastidiously. “But if you really want to help us, you must understand and help her without the knowledge of other people and Pokémon.”

She's going to be special, isn't she? She's going to have a destiny and be the saviour of this world, somehow. Or Ian is going to be, through her. I have to admit, those kind of stories aren't my favourite ones. I'm not too fond of destinies or chosen ones. Also, this lucario is being vague on purpose. Probably to serve the story. Is there a good reason why he's not sharing this person he apparently trusts implicitly?

Not letting other people know was confusing but a bit understandable, but Pokémon too?—Ian thought.

It really isn't. Nothing so far has given Ian reason to think not telling a soul about all of this is understandable. He knows nothing about this situation at all!

“We cannot leave her alone with you,” Lucario stated. “If you are taking her away from here, I have to accompany you.”

Taking her away? He wasn't allowed to take her to a hospital earlier, how did we suddenly jump to them being okay with her being taken away?

When lightning struck from the dark stormy clouds above, Ian could see a little girl being carried to them by a violet psychic force.

While it certainly sets for a suspenseful mood, I've always thought it was a bit odd - in movies, as well as books - how the weather always knew when it needed to be dark and stormy. Just to set the tone, right?

“Quick! In here!” he instructed.

Not every bit of dialogue needs a dialogue tag. Especially considering he is the only one speaking. You can occasionally leave it bare just fine.

The girl was carefully placed inside the van with Lucario quickly following her inside. Alakazam opened the side door from the other side and entered the van from there.

Awkward repetition.

Ian quickly hopped into the driver’s seat and shivered when he realized how wet and cold he was.

You know, I'd completely forgotten it was raining. Considering the gloomy atmosphere was deliberate and important enough to warrant a storm, maybe mention it here and there? Show how soaked he's getting, or how flimsy the girl's dress looks as it gets wet.

He pressed buttons on his screen to navigate his way back to his lab and latched on his seatbelt.

But wasn't it so dark that he couldn't look at that screen earlier? Why is he suddenly able to use it when he couldn't earlier?

Everyone hold on,” he said, and everyone braced themselves as the van jerked backwards, around, and in the opposite direction.

More repetition.

~​

All in all, this is a rather exciting start. It promises a lot of things to come and it should be interesting to see how Ian deals with taking care of the girl without anyone finding out. I do like the relationship you've set up between Ian and his alakazam, minimal though it is right now. They seem like a fun team.

I do think it could use some fleshing out, though. And some editing. Like I've mentioned, you're very fond of repetition. Overuse of the same words can be awkward for readers and it's something that's easily changed. You also have similarly styled sentences a lot. Try to break them up into smaller pieces occasionally.

This also leaves me with quite a few questions that I hope get answered in following chapters. Like, if this is such an important event for the PHF, why is he the only one responding? Why did the hypno and lucario relinquish the girl to him so readily? What made them trust him? Why were the so hostile one second and completely trusting the next? What were those dots? Were they a shield by the alakazam? Were they all pokémon that we never got to see or hear about? Is that why there were eyes watching them?

Some of these are probably intentional, but I doubt all of them are. So think about these things. What could readers be wondering about and did you mean for that to happen? Are there gaps you need to fill?

Last but not least, I think this chapter could use some 'meat'. By that I mean the action is there, but no real backdrop. Things happen, but we don't know where or how or in what way. Try to imagine things in your head and describe them for us. For example, the lucario mentions a temple. What temple? You never described a temple, or even alluded to it. This would have been a great chance to set the mood. Describe a mysterious, dark temple with glowing eyes coming from every corned. Make it spooky!

Just take your time. You mentioned the van a lot, but you tell us nothing about it. You mention the alakazam, but we have no idea what he looks like. (Yes, as fans we know what an alakazam looks like, but is this one old, young, big, small, pale, bright, or anything out of the ordinary? Describe it to us!) Ian? Ian who? Do you get what I mean?

All in all, it's a nice start and I look forward to reading chapter two, but I think a spot of editing would do the chapter good. And maybe a beta reader?

Cheers!
 

ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
A New Reviewer!

Hello everyone!

First of, let's give a warm welcome to Silawen, our newest reviewer. Thank you, Silawen, for taking the time to read and comment. I hope many others join you on your first step to adventure!

Second, after giving it much thought, I decided to start posting reviews of my readers' reviews. Maybe the reason I don't get that much feedback is because I don't reciprocate them. That doesn't seem fair now, does it?

Well not anymore! From now on, your comments will not only be heard, but attended to. Hakajin and The Great Butler, I'll start commenting on your future posts. I don't have THAT much time to go back to the previous ones.

The Great Butler, I'm confused as to whether your last post was finished or not. Your input stopped somewhere at the beginning of the chapter.

Until then, let the reviewing start with our newest reviewer, Silawen!



Hello there! I haven't reviewed here in years, but have felt the urge to and randomly selected your story to be the one. Seeing as it's been a while, I'll probably be a bit rusty, so if I say something silly feel free to point it out. I'll just start from the very beginning and see how far I make it.

Hello there! I'm very happy you chose to read my story. The story has been in the site for a while now, and even if it had a rough start (with the tenses problem and all), it’s developing quite nicely. I hope you continue to future chapters, because they do get better.

This isn't a bad intro. You've started out with some action, introduced two of the main characters, and given us a setting. However, the dialogue doesn't sound natural to me. Ian mentioning the PHF, the situation, and the weather to his alakazam - who should be aware of most of these things, considering they're in the woods and have clearly been moving for a while now - seems more a way for you to share these things with us than something someone would actually say. Maybe you could introduce these things to us more slowly? Or have him make a joke about it, instead, and thus make it feel less like an info-dump?

Ah, yes. Chapter 01. I've considered rewriting it many times, but with limited time and limited access to a computer, I put the idea on hold. My style in this chapter was way different from my style now, and I totally agree with your comments. Writing in a fast-pace was also an issue, and hopefully not so much now.

The screen was in the shape of a radar? Or the screen was a kind of radar? If so, just call it a radar. There's no need to make it more difficult. Just say 'there was a radar on the screen'. Or 'the alakazam stared at the small radar on the dashboard'.

You also use the word 'screen' repeatedly in this small paragraph. Maybe have Ian motion at the screen and then go 'Can you tell me if we're almost there?' Or say 'It was in the shape of a radar'.

Yes, I apologize for the confusion. The screen was a radar.

Lots of dots. Lots of dots we're being told about matter-of-factly. Instead of us finding out what these dots represent, the narrator is telling us. Have you ever heard the phrase 'show, don't tell'? Try to show us the important things, don't just tell us about them. It'd have been exciting for the readers to figure out what this was. (Even if it's an easy thing to figure out. Which makes the explanation rather unnecessary in itself.)

I agree. You can expect a lot of that later on in the story, because that's a big part of my writing style.

Also, I believe it's 'encasing'. And 'a protective shield'? How does the narrator know this is a protective shield? How is the reader supposed to know this? Why is the reader supposed to know this? I haven't reader further, but if the yellow dots are good guys you just spoiled something that could have sparked tension. The reader could have been worried about these dots surrounding our heroes. Instead you just gave it away for no reason. Unless they're not good guys, in which case I don't understand the protective shield situation.

Yup. Spelling error. I'll get that as soon as I can.

And you know how you mentioned letting the reader make his own interpretations? This is an example of that. So instead of answering your questions, I'll let you make your guesses and figure it out as you read on.

Why exactly is Ian asking his alakazam to check the screen if he knows they won't be able to communicate about it anyway? And you're honestly telling me he can't glance away from the road for two seconds? Yes, a dark and dangerous road needs to be paid attention to, but if it takes less than two seconds for them to get into danger, then it won't matter if he's paying attention or not. Humans don't have that kind of reaction speed.

'Who knows what will come at us'

Let me put it this way: You're in the middle of a heavy storm, deep into an unfamiliar forest in a pitch black night. You just moved into the region--and before you could even settle down, let alone rest, your boss demands you drive into dangerous conditions and not even tell you why. I don't know any normal person that can think straight after that.

It may not say the full details in this chapter, but you'd figure them out in the later ones.

Also, you'd be surprised how fast reflex can make a person become. Speaking of which...

Case in point. He could have glanced over at the screen if he had enough time to come to a halt just now. If he saw this figure in time to brake, it can't have been that dark.

It was that dark, actually. The headlights could only reach so far, and the fact that Ian didn’t see Hypno until the last second tells you how close the situation was to becoming a tragedy. Reflex, my friend. Reflex.

You don't slam on the brakes with anything other than your foot, really. I don't think it's necessary to add that.

Where's the mention of a foot?

Same here. You squint with your eyes. Readers will understand that without you including it. Include things like this only if it's important. Important enough to point out. Say, if a blind person is suddenly squinting it might indicate something about his vision. Or if someone who is unconscious suddenly twitches. Things like that.

Well in this case, the rain and the dark made it hard for Ian to see.

Now, personally I don't capitalize pokémon species, but that's an age-old discussion I'd rather not get into.
I can respect that. I only capitalize the Pokémon names when they're not being called anything else.

But who knows? That could change.

Will sounds awkward to me. Could/would, even 'can' sounds better to me. I do appreciate that you know how to use direct address and speech punctuation, though! That's always been something I had to explain over and over again.

Noted! And thank you!

Same as in the beginning, that last bit - 'to our destination up ahead' - seems like an add-on for the readers' sake, not the character's. 'We're in a big hurry!' gives enough information and there's no reason why he should specify.

I agree. I'll work on it.

Ian thought it hadn't heard or understood his request.

Noted.

You're not supposed to start sentences with 'but'. In fact, this one could be tacked onto the one before it quite well. Or just leave out the 'but' and make it 'Then a violet force surrounded the van.'

I used to abide with the grammar rules like this back then, but one thing I learned while developing as a writer is that anyone can deliver good grammar, but not everyone can deliver a good voice.

Don't worry, I believe grammar is very important, crucial even. I just believe that if you want to tell a story that's truly yours, sometimes, you gotta break the rules ;)

Lots of repetition again. Try mixing things up! 'The vehicle' would work. Or just use things like 'they', or 'it'. Try not to make things too monotone.

I agree. Don't worry, that definitely changes in future chapters.

I'd use 'stood', because otherwise it's another case of repetition.

Agreed.

This lucario threatens them, but then nothing happens when they don't immediately listen. This already sets up this imposing character as not so imposing.

Lucario is protective, not rash.

'alarming Alakazam enough that he followed protectively behind him' or 'causing Alakazam to follow protectively behind him'.

Great suggestions, but I'll have to disagree with you on them.

There is nothing wrong with this sentence, but I just wanted to point something out. You use this kind of sentence a lot. You have two independent clauses and you combine them by using a comma and then 'and'. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but you do it quite a lot and it might be a good idea to cut them up occasionally too. Different sentences makes for more interesting reading.

Good suggestion! I'll consider it.

Hours?? I know you're exaggerating for effect, but there's no way anything seemed like hours. Minutes, sure, but not hours. That's taking the hyperbole a bit too far.

Well I can't speak for everybody else, but I surely been through many brief things that felt like hours.

So just this stranger telling them they mean no harm and work for the PHF is enough to make them trust him completely? Even though they just threatened them with 'severe consequences' if they didn't leave? Are they mind-readers as well? Why do they suddenly trust this person?

This isn't mentioned until later chapters, but Lucario can sense whether someone has good intentions or not. It takes time to analyze them, of course, which explains the "hours-long" interaction.

Also, the girl was dying. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

She's going to be special, isn't she? She's going to have a destiny and be the saviour of this world, somehow. Or Ian is going to be, through her. I have to admit, those kind of stories aren't my favourite ones. I'm not too fond of destinies or chosen ones. Also, this lucario is being vague on purpose. Probably to serve the story. Is there a good reason why he's not sharing this person he apparently trusts implicitly?

Maybe, maybe not, I can't say.

And haha, Lucario trusting them implicitly. It's funny because as your read the story, well…

It really isn't. Nothing so far has given Ian reason to think not telling a soul about all of this is understandable. He knows nothing about this situation at all!

I don't know how to explain this without giving a long lecture about social psychology and the power of cliques. What I can say though is hey, who doesn't get lured into something they don't know anything about because they don't know anything about it?

Curiosity killed the cat, anyone?

Taking her away? He wasn't allowed to take her to a hospital earlier, how did we suddenly jump to them being okay with her being taken away?

Only if Lucario was with them, as the passage had said. It would be completely out of character if Lucario let Ian and Alakazam drive off with the very thing he was protecting.

"While it certainly sets for a suspenseful mood, I've always thought it was a bit odd - in movies, as well as books - how the weather always knew when it needed to be dark and stormy. Just to set the tone, right?"

Maybe, maybe not, who knows?

Not every bit of dialogue needs a dialogue tag. Especially considering he is the only one speaking. You can occasionally leave it bare just fine.

I was told of this a while back, but my opinion stays the same. I only leave a dialogue without a tag if another person interjects in the conversation. Dialogue without tags during conversations WITHOUT interjections are rare, but they do happen.

Awkward repetition.

I thought you'd point out the embarassing mispelled word, which I'd agree with.

You know, I'd completely forgotten it was raining. Considering the gloomy atmosphere was deliberate and important enough to warrant a storm, maybe mention it here and there? Show how soaked he's getting, or how flimsy the girl's dress looks as it gets wet.

I agree. I'm working on that, actually.

But wasn't it so dark that he couldn't look at that screen earlier? Why is he suddenly able to use it when he couldn't earlier?

Because he was driving earlier. He wasn't driving yet.

And the darkness didn't keep him from looking at the screen--it was the possibility of getting stuck in the middle of a dark, unfamiliar forest in a heavy storm.

More repetition.

I agree the passage sounded off-putting when I reread it, but if I revised the sentence without removing the "everyone"s, it would still sound fine.

All in all, this is a rather exciting start. It promises a lot of things to come and it should be interesting to see how Ian deals with taking care of the girl without anyone finding out. I do like the relationship you've set up between Ian and his alakazam, minimal though it is right now. They seem like a fun team.

Thank you! I'm glad it caught your interests.

I do think it could use some fleshing out, though. And some editing. Like I've mentioned, you're very fond of repetition. Overuse of the same words can be awkward for readers and it's something that's easily changed. You also have similarly styled sentences a lot. Try to break them up into smaller pieces occasionally.

All this happen in the later chapters, don’t worry. I pride myself in progressing as a writer as the story progresses as a...umm…story…

This also leaves me with quite a few questions that I hope get answered in following chapters. Like, if this is such an important event for the PHF, why is he the only one responding? Why did the hypno and lucario relinquish the girl to him so readily? What made them trust him? Why were the so hostile one second and completely trusting the next? What were those dots? Were they a shield by the alakazam? Were they all pokémon that we never got to see or hear about? Is that why there were eyes watching them?

Yes, continue to have your questions. It makes reading my story more fulfilling!

Some of these are probably intentional, but I doubt all of them are. So think about these things. What could readers be wondering about and did you mean for that to happen? Are there gaps you need to fill?

Yes, but they will be filled eventually. The question is, will you guys be ready when they are?

Last but not least, I think this chapter could use some 'meat'. By that I mean the action is there, but no real backdrop. Things happen, but we don't know where or how or in what way. Try to imagine things in your head and describe them for us. For example, the lucario mentions a temple. What temple? You never described a temple, or even alluded to it. This would have been a great chance to set the mood. Describe a mysterious, dark temple with glowing eyes coming from every corned. Make it spooky!

Ahaha, just wait until you read the next chapters.

Just take your time. You mentioned the van a lot, but you tell us nothing about it. You mention the alakazam, but we have no idea what he looks like. (Yes, as fans we know what an alakazam looks like, but is this one old, young, big, small, pale, bright, or anything out of the ordinary? Describe it to us!) Ian? Ian who? Do you get what I mean?

Alakazam looks just as any Alakazam would. Its description does change in the future chapters, but not in a way you'd expect.

And as I said before, please continue to have your questions. If I gave you all the answers at once, there would be no reason to keep reading. Then we'd both be sad.

All in all, it's a nice start and I look forward to reading chapter two, but I think a spot of editing would do the chapter good. And maybe a beta reader?

I usually edit my chapters before AND after they're posted because that's when my is brain fresh enough to see the mistakes.

I have considered a beta reader and really wanted one too. Unfortunately, there are many factors to consider, such as:

-Will this person plagiarize my work?

-Will he/she meet the deadlines?

-Is he/she even qualified to be a beta reader in the first place?

There are many more, but I don't want to get off-topic.


Cheers to you as well! I know I mentioned the later chapters a LOT, but I'm not exaggerating when I say they get better. I hope you come back again to read them! :)
 
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Silawen

Fanfiction Critic
Ah, yes. Chapter 01. I've considered rewriting it many times, but with limited time and limited access to a computer, I put the idea on hold. My style in this chapter was way different from my style now, and I totally agree with your comments. Writing in a fast-pace was also an issue, and hopefully not so much now.

I really would suggest you edit, even if your time is limited. The first chapter being less quality than the rest of the story will put new readers off. I generally read to review, but others might not read at all if they don't find the style compelling. Seeing as you say it gets better, it might be a good idea to update the entire story to those standards. Nothing makes a story improve more than taking your time and revising it.

I'm sure your readers would understand and even help you with the process. You can add more description and better set up the plot, too. I know it always helped me when I worked on older chapters. It allowed me to drop hints for future events and really make sure I sparked interest in first time readers.

I agree. You can expect a lot of that later on in the story, because that's a big part of my writing style.

Like this, for example. If you say this change in style becomes a big part of your writing, then it'd be great if that were the case in the entirety of your story, not just the later chapters. Because those later chapters might be chapters people don't get to if they don't enjoy the first one sufficiently.

And you know how you mentioned letting the reader make his own interpretations? This is an example of that. So instead of answering your questions, I'll let you make your guesses and figure it out as you read on.

Regardless of whether or not you explain this in the future - which is something writers often say, but then it never happens, so we'll see - it still stands that the narrator is sharing this information for no reason.

Also, you'd be surprised how fast reflex can make a person become. Speaking of which...

It was that dark, actually. The headlights could only reach so far, and the fact that Ian didn’t see Hypno until the last second tells you how close the situation was to becoming a tragedy. Reflex, my friend. Reflex.

Cars don't work this way. If it was so incredibly dark that the hypno appeared at the last second, they'd crash into each other. You need time to slow down. It's exactly why we are told to make sure there is plenty of distance between us and the car in front of us. Because human reaction speed and the actual car's speed have to be taken into account when coming to a halt. Maybe have him pull the steering wheel to the left sharply so he veers past the hypno and almost into a tree, or something?

Where's the mention of a foot?

Ian slammed the brakes hard with his foot and managed to stop the van before it hit the yellow figure.

Well in this case, the rain and the dark made it hard for Ian to see.

I get that. I wasn't questioning the squinting. I was questioning the squinting with his eyes. Readers will understand you meant he's squinting his eyes and not his nose, so it just feels like an unnecessary and awkward addition. You can just have him squint.

I only capitalize the Pokémon names when they're not being called anything else.

I capitalize when someone uses the name of the species as the name of the pokémon. Like in this story. The alakazam's name is Alakazam, but his species is an alakazam.

I used to abide with the grammar rules like this back then, but one thing I learned while developing as a writer is that anyone can deliver good grammar, but not everyone can deliver a good voice.

Don't worry, I believe grammar is very important, crucial even. I just believe that if you want to tell a story that's truly yours, sometimes, you gotta break the rules

Sure, but do it when it matters and when it adds something to the story. Here I don't think it is necessary, but you're free to disagree.

I agree. Don't worry, that definitely changes in future chapters.

Just repeating what I said before, really. I think editing earlier chapters would really benefit your story as a whole.

Lucario is protective, not rash.

Regardless of the lucario's intentions, it's what your characters comes across as. You made him seem super strict and threatening, only to have him forget about his threats seconds after and just trust this random stranger.

Well I can't speak for everybody else, but I surely been through many brief things that felt like hours.

No, they really didn't. ;) You're saying that for emphasis and hyperbole. They didn't actually feel like hours when it involved mere seconds. I just think there should be some limit to the hyperbole. I guess that's personal taste.

Also, the girl was dying. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

This directly contradicts the lucario's earlier actions. He was threatening them in an attempt to get them to leave. He can't have it both ways.

And haha, Lucario trusting them implicitly. It's funny because as your read the story, well…

He already has, though. This is a pokémon who earlier threatened them in an imposing way to get rid of them. Then he changed tactics suddenly and trusts them enough to give this girl into their care. A girl who no one else is allowed to see. Only Ian an the alakazam. He is trusting them.

This is why I like reviewing longer stories from chapter one. Because you have written things after this that colour your view of what's happening, but that isn't the case for me yet. I am reviewing based off of what you set up in this chapter and this chapter alone. You have set up that the lucario trusts Ian, who is by all accounts a dangerous stranger at this point, and this will continue to be the case regardless of what happens in chapter six.

I don't know how to explain this without giving a long lecture about social psychology and the power of cliques. What I can say though is hey, who doesn't get lured into something they don't know anything about because they don't know anything about it?

Curiosity killed the cat, anyone?

The lucario really hasn't done anything to warrant such trust, though. Ian is going against his job's orders and listening to a pokémon who is telling him to take an unconscious girl somewhere without telling anyone about it. Lucario might be able to sense a person's aura and thus divine whether they're a good person or not, but to a professional such as Ian this should seem highly suspect.

I was told of this a while back, but my opinion stays the same. I only leave a dialogue without a tag if another person interjects in the conversation. Dialogue without tags during conversations WITHOUT interjections are rare, but they do happen.

Why, though? You have a serious problem with repetition and adding 'he said/he asked/he suggested/he...' to every single line of dialogue is just another case of adding unnecessary things to your story. What would be the problem with having a line of dialogue just as is?

I'd be more likely to use a dialogue tag when it involves other people, like you just mentioned, rather than when he is by himself and no one else is talking.

And the darkness didn't keep him from looking at the screen--it was the possibility of getting stuck in the middle of a dark, unfamiliar forest in a heavy storm.

I really don't think looking at a screen for a few seconds is going to be enough to get lost. People can multitask just fine while behind the wheel of a car. (Whether or not that's sensible is another story altogether, but I digress.) Looking over at something and keeping the car going in a straight line is possible.

Alakazam looks just as any Alakazam would. Its description does change in the future chapters, but not in a way you'd expect.

That really wasn't my point, haha. It's more that I want you to think about what is going on in a scene. Describe what is happening, but don't just point out the action. Your two main characters are faceless right now and nothing stands out about them. You introduced their relationship, but not them. What is this alakazam like? And that is just a specific example of something you could flesh out.

I usually edit my chapters before AND after they're posted because that's when my is brain fresh enough to see the mistakes.

I have considered a beta reader and really wanted one too. Unfortunately, there are many factors to consider, such as:

-Will this person plagiarize my work?

-Will he/she meet the deadlines?

-Is he/she even qualified to be a beta reader in the first place?

There are many more, but I don't want to get off-topic.

What's always helped me the most when it comes to editing is writing one chapter ahead of where I am and then letting things rest for a day or two. More, if I can manage. Just let it sit there, don't think about it, and then come back to what I've written and edit. Letting things settle allows my brain to forget what I intended to write. A lot of the time our brains will read over errors or plotholes because we know what's supposed to be there, so we imagine it is. (If I spell don't as dno't, but know I meant to write don't, my brain might gloss over it altogether.)

You seem to have a rather negative view of beta readers and what it entails. I really don't think people would find the urge to plagiarize a pokémon fanfic too tempting to resist. I've certainly never seen a beta reader do such a thing.

Whether or not he/she meets deadlines is something that's subject to change, but if you're that worried about them being on time then just look for a very specific beta. Someone who has a track record of being on time. Ask others for their opinions and then choose a beta that fits you. Writing a chapter or two in advance might help with this, though. It would give people more time to beta something.

Same goes for qualifications. You think beta readers need to be on a certain level? Look for one. You get to choose who beta reads your work, no one else, so only you have sway over who does the job. Just choose someone whose level of work you find acceptable. And don't be afraid to 'let someone go' if they don't do as well as you'd hoped.

Cheers to you as well! I know I mentioned the later chapters a LOT, but I'm not exaggerating when I say they get better. I hope you come back again to read them!

No problem! I might come back and review chapter two later. Good luck with all the editing!
 

ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Hi, Silawen!

Okay, I'm reading this before I go to work so I gotta make this quick. I won't be able to post something big and official for the rest of the week so I'm posting it now:

Thank you for your points! I may not agree with some of them, but do agree with a lot of them. I understand your questions and points, but can't say much because the answers would spoil the later chapters. I get that not a lot of authors promise answers, and that frustrates me too, but trust me, everything is planned.

You bring up a good point about revising all the chapters and I totally agree. It's the reason I'm working to get a laptop in the first place. I'm writing everything in my phone right now, including this review, and I can't tell you how stressful it is. You can expect mistakes; they will be there.

I also agree about the beta reader. Unfortunately, I don't know much people I can trust to read my chapters, and even if I do, the people won't have enough time and/or interest. I tried to get a beta reader for my original fiction, but the betas I got were insufficient. And with no one else to fill the role, I stopped having one altogether.

Thank you though for your comments! I may not agree with some of them, but respect them, even admire them, nevertheless. Your words are a fresh perspective, which is good since I've been having the same reviewers, which I also respect and admire, every chapter. It's good to have a new voice say her input.

Anyway, I hope you do come back to read the story again. I also hope the old chapters like Chapter 01 get rewritten as soon as possible by then too. It may not happen sometime soon because, again, BUSY, but I'll work on them.

Have a great day!
-ChewieJ
 

ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Guess Who Just Got a New Laptop?

That's right! It's me. I can't tell you guys how awesome it is to type on an actual computer. Well, my phone is technically a computer, but it isn't the same as a LAPTOP! Ha! I'm so happy.

Anyway, to celebrate this great event in my life, I posted something I really wanted to post for a long time that you guys also wanted me to post but couldn't post because I was laptop-less (yes, the run-on sentence was on purpose. Don't hate on me, man. This is an informal message, not a chapter. Give me a break!). Ready? Are you guys ready? Okay.

CHAPTER 01, Rewritten!

That's right. Chapter 01 has officially been rewritten. Don't worry, I didn't make significant changes to the plot. You should definitely still read it though. The characters are more three-dimensional, that's for sure. The chapter also may or may not answer questions you may or may not have. It can't answer everything, of course. At the very least, it will still hook you into the story.

I'm definitely revising the other chapters too, but not that much. I still have to work on the next chapter after all. The future cannot be made if you're too busy trying to fix the past. Ooo! Things just got real up in here...

Enough shenanigans aside, I hope you guys enjoy the future chapters as well as the modifications for the past ones. I'm hard at work on this story, but have other stories too, you know? I have a couple more stories in the site to work on, as well as a crack fic I may or may not post (I'm still thinking about it). I'm also working on original fiction as well as non-fiction stories I hopefully get paid for.

Chapter 12 is going to be up soon...hopefully, so please look out for that. I swear this story by far has the most interesting plot I ever developed, so I hope you guys stick with it.

Until then, love and kisses, fulfill your wishes, and I'll talk to you guys soon.

Byyeeee!!!
 
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ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Review Response for THE GREAT BUTLER (Chapter 11)

[A/N]: Hello everyone! It's ChewieJ here with another review response. Today's review is from The Great Butler, and I can't tell you guys how excited I am to receive his input. He's been a supporter of the story since the story began, and a big reason why the chapters are getting better and better. I really respect and admire him, and I know a lot of you guys do too. So I hope you guys enjoy reading his review response as much as I enjoyed writing it!

But before we start, I want to say a few things:
-Corrections will only be mentioned once or twice. Don't get me wrong--they're very important and appreciated a LOT. I just don't want to say "Thanks!" and "Noted!" again and again.
-Even though each response is for one reviewer at a time, there will be times when I will talk to all of you instead of just that one specific reviewer. For this example, I will say "you" to refer to The Great Butler, and sometimes I'll say "you guys" to refer to everyone. I'm doing this because many of you have the same questions as that reviewer, so if you're reading my review responses, you wouldn't have to ask those questions again.

Now that we got that out of the way, let's get started!



Hello! And thank you for finally finishing it! I gotta admit, I was greatly anticipating your review. Now that's it here, let's get into it, shall we?

Interesting to start off on his viewpoint. Let's see where he goes.

Yes, I've been waiting for the chance to put Taboden into the story. He actually plays a big part to it, even if it doesn't seem so at first.

I'm assuming he's near the ocean of the Korrova region. Maybe I'm simply forgetting something, and I hope I am not, but I don't think too much of the region has been highlighted quite yet?

No, you're right. I haven't properly introduced the region...yet. I planned for my readers to discover the region with Violet, who is also unfamiliar with the region.

I'm intrigued by the idea of a character such as Taboden who is actually living a wealthy lifestyle, not merely not having to worry about money in an otherwise normal life.

His backstory is also contributing to him feeling like an interesting character so far. I had seen him as a bit of a spoiled brat previously, but now I see that he is a bit more complex than that. The description of his listless behavior is also a nice bit of wording.
Thank you! I'm glad my descriptions are getting better.

Regarding to Taboden, yes, he is definitely more than meets the eye. I know a lot of rich kids in movies and books are portrayed as spoiled and demanding. Realistically, however, this isn't always the case. I want my stories to be realistic as possible, so if Taboden were to be a spoiled rich kid, my readers will definitely know there's more to him than that.

I'll be honest, but while I do understand that this is now a flashback, I feel as if you could introduce it as such a little better. I had to re-read it a couple times to realize it was a flashback.

I see. I'll definitely work on that.

I do like you showing him having a happy memory from his past, though.

I do too. My story is pretty dark, so writing about good times is very refreshing. And don't worry, the good times will always be significant to the story. I hate filler like everybody else.

My heart is warmed by their interactions. They have a good bond, and it's nice to see Truman so concerned for him.

Isn't it? I feel like there aren't enough good interactions...if there are good interactions. Damn, my story is dark.

You misspelled "withstand."

Just fixed it! Thanks!

Taboden's innocence regarding his abilities is another good choice on your part. Far too often, ordinary individuals who discover powers learn them and become "exceptional" nearly instantly. An example sticking in my head right now is how quickly Electro masters his powers and becomes a full-fledged supervillain in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, so I'm happy to see you avoided that.

Yes, I hate it when super-powered beings immediately master their powers too. It gives absurd expectations to people who strive for success, creating a generation of fools who give up after the first try. As a singer, it took me years to harness my voice and it's still not perfect. If I can't sing perfectly in a day, what more if I'm shooting fire out of my hands?

Truman seems like quite a caring person, I like him.
Yeah, he's pretty awesome.

I'll be honest, I'm still struggling with the locations a bit.

That means others are too. Hmm, I'll work on that.

If this fic is really in the far future as the earlier chapter seemed to imply, interesting that she still uses a pager.

Yeah, my prediction for the future would be doctors having their own high-tech pagers. I don't think they could be replaced with phones, or should, but who knows? We replaced GPSs by installing phones with their own GPS, so why not pagers? Really makes you think about the future, doesn't it?

If it drove Lucy insane, it's probably a bad thing to her.

I can appreciate the rapid way her thoughts are hitting her right now. It fits.

Yes, I understand my readers are probably confused right now. I totally agree--how can Lucy react like this to someone she just met?

Don't worry, guys. As with everything else, there is a very good reason for this. I don't know if I'm spoiling anything if I say this, but this particular reason is rather very, very, VERY, significant to the plot.

This is a good scene, but you used "distraught" slightly wrong. There's no need for "in" before it. Just say "she dropped to the ground, distraught."

Interesting. I read a sentence that used "distraught" the way I did, but I liked the way you used it better.

This might just be a personal thing, but I feel like it's a better idea to add some description before naming the person when they're first introduced. By naming Zeaburg first before describing him, I felt like I was supposed to already know him.

Well I'm playing the events of the story like a movie...kind of, and by describing what Zeaburg looked like after he spoke, it would tell the readers Lucy and the others didn't see him until after he asked his question.

Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Is it really a problem that she's close to the patients? I'm not sure I understand what the issue is.

The reason personal relations is an issue is because in the working world, relationships cause a number of problems. In Lucy's case, her close relationships with Ian and Alakazam would distort her judgments as a doctor. She would be making decisions based on what a loved one would want, which are often different to what a doctor would want. I could put out examples, but some of the readers might mistake them for spoilers, so I'll just play it safe and leave it to you guys to find this out.

I'm glad Lucy is standing up for herself, because, wow, uh... Matt is being quite a bit unpleasant.

I have a to be a little honest here, I'm finding the way men treat Lucy to overall be a bit of a turn off. Ian I suppose I could live with, given that they weren't currently together and there was existing tension between them, but I can't help but find Matt rather controlling, almost abusive. The way he controls her job and then pulls rank to justify threatening her when she doesn't cooperate with what he wants is rather unsettling.

See, this is exactly why I say what I just did. This sounds like guilt tripping and borderline physical abuse.
Intriguing, isn't it? A few chapters ago, everyone was loving Matt, but now, they're like, "Not cool! Why is he treating her like that? I thought he was a good guy!"

A few things. One, remember when I said I want my stories to be realistic as possible? For that to happen, my characters have to be realistic too. People in real life can't be the generic good guys/bad guys we see in movies because as human beings, we do things that are both good and bad. Sure, there are good people and bad people, but what makes them good or bad? Matt definitely showed "good traits" when he cared for Lucy at the beginning of the story. Does that make him a "good guy"? If so, does that mean "bad guys" are incapable of caring for other people?

Matt also showed "bad traits" when he reacted aggressively to Lucy's defenses. Does that make him a "bad guy"? If so, does that mean "good guys" are incapable of reacting negatively in confrontations?

Two, let's not forget Lucy's not that innocent either.

Let's see things from Matt's perspective. Matt is a kind man that clearly loves his wife, but is also a law enforcement officer that takes his job very seriously. His wife is keeping secrets from him with her ex-lover, which affects him as a husband, and those secrets may or may not be illegal, which affects him as an officer. Despite all this, Matt was very patient with her. He didn't let it slide like a pushover, nor did he harass her like a control freak. He gave her time to explain herself, and when her secrets sent Ian and Alakazam to the hospital, he gave her options on how to explain herself.

But instead of appreciation and cooperation from his wife, Lucy yelled at him like he wasn't good to her the whole time. Was Matt's reaction "civilized"? No. I agree, it's not.

However, even though Matt's behavior isn't excusable, neither is Lucy's. The way Matt tugged on her may be a bit abusive, but the way Lucy attacked him verbally was abusive too.

Okay, this is getting too long. I'll explain more of this later in the review.

Really feeling that mental projection thing right now.

I think it wants her eyes figuratively. As in, it can't see by itself, but it can see when it takes over her body.

I love where this is going, though. I love elements like this where characters have secrets that make you reconsider everything about them, and you're really delivering it in a well-written, menacing way.

The figure is quite ominous, but I detect a hint of good in there too, what with the "don't let anyone tell you what to be" line. Though that could easily head off on a bad path for her.

This is just getting creepier and creepier. And I have to say, this is really enhancing Violet's development in a way I hadn't expected at first.
I'm glad you're getting the mood I wanted to portray. The scene was meant to be creepy. Imagine standing on that bridge and seeing something that looks like you, but without eyes. Imagine it also telling you that everything you know and will know is lie...in a demonic voice...yeah...

I tried to write this with horror movie music to up the scary, but couldn't do it. Literally could not do it--especially since I was writing it at night before I went to sleep. It would've given me nightmares.

Nightmares galore.

A bond with the water, perhaps? Intriguing...

The opening for this scene really made me smile.

Wonder if there's something of note in there.

I wonder if the storm is somehow linked to Violet?

Yeah, I'm really thinking that the thunder is coming from an empowered individual such as Taboden, even if it's not Violet. Though Violet feeling herself falling into water is a major hint.

I knew Violet had something to do with it.

Aside from those, I like that he is aware of the difference between himself and others due to his powers.

Huh, he doesn't mess around, does he?

I have to say that I like how Taboden is turning out to be a more interesting character than I initially gave him credit for.

I'm glad you enjoyed this scene too. It's refreshing compared to the nightmarish-vision-that-could-actually-be-real scene, isn't it?

I can't help but question Matt's motives...

Yeah, I can't say I like him very much. He still feels like he's more interested in controlling her.

I'm not sure I really want to answer that question he just asked.

I have to be honest here, I find this to be a case of "show, don't tell." You're telling me that Matt is doing a lot for her and such, and she's the one hurting their marriage, yet everything I see myself contradicts that.

Yes, I admit I didn't write enough scenes of Lucy and Matt before this exchange, but don't worry, I did this on purpose.

Consider the actor-observer bias. We don't have a problem with Lucy yelling at her husband, because we spent the last ten chapters understanding why she did it. Since we didn't do the same for Matt, accusing him of being bad isn't only expected, it's also completely normal. Because besides knowing he's a police officer married to Lucy, we know almost nothing about him. That's why I don't blame you guys for attacking him. As a matter of fact, it makes me very proud that my efforts in learning psychology paid off. I can't tell you guys how happy I am right now.

I-ah smart!

I like the stream-of-consciousness style you're presenting his thoughts in here.

Same here for Truman. I can really feel the bond between them.

It's actually cute how Taboden means well but is doing the CPR wrong, but is trying his best while also acting on sudden emotions. You're getting that across pretty nicely.

I was going to say that myself, but since you have Truman questioning it, I wonder if maybe something about them both having powers is what saved her instead of any sort of CPR?

What an apt line of questioning, Taboden. If you only knew...

I have a visual now of Truman being an Alfred Pennyworth-esque character, and I really like it.

Good use of Violet learning from television.

Nice connection between Taboden's group and the Ian/Lucy group.

Heh, I wonder what's going through Taboden's mind. He wants to teach her.

I get the feeling it will be a while before Lucy can get there.

I like this side of Taboden.

Oh man, they're pretty cute together.
I love these events too. Not only are they very significant to the plot, they're also very fun to write. Taboden and Violet are about 10-11 years old (I don't know if I told you guys Taboden's age yet, but if I didn't, now you know. You're welcome.), and though they are indeed very cute together, they're still children. It'll be a bit challenging to write a mature story starring kids, but I think that makes it more fun.

Yeah, I really do not like him at all, unfortunately.

Lucy seems to collapse pretty easily...

Good to see that Violet is a bit back to normal.

No, Lucy, you're making a big, big mistake here.

I don't have a good feeling about him knowing.
I'm so glad you guys are emotionally investing in these characters. Even as the writer of these rascals, I can't help but feel for them once in a while. Sometimes I think about easing the conflicts because I'd feel so bad for them. But then I'd be like, no. You gotta keep things real, ChewieJ. You can't show their strengths if they're not tested.

Anyway, sorry the review took so long, but all in all I did really enjoy the chapter. The strongest part was Taboden, which I have to admit surprises me. I didn't think much of him at first, but his personality turned out to be way more three-dimensional than I expected, and he has some great interactions with Violet and Truman.
Don't worry, man, it happens.
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I enjoyed your review! You were not as harsh as you said you might be. I appreciate your honesty, and look forward to more of your input!
 
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ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Chapter 08 (Mother and Father)

Melena clutched the white-stoned railing of the balcony and frowned at the trees below. It wasn't the trees that made her upset, but she glared at them anyway. The stars, as always, twinkled brightly in the sky. The night was warm, but cool air brushed upon her skin. It was a night like any other. Unfortunately, it was also as depressing.

"Melena?"

Melena frowned. "What is it?"

Ardonis emerged from the chamber to stand beside his wife. Melena wore a fuchsia gown, which matched her carnation tresses. She had beautiful ocean eyes. To Ardonis's dismay, they were sad again.

"Are you still upset?" Ardonis asked.

"No," Melena answered. But she did so quietly, and without looking at him.

"Melena," Ardonis sighed. "Melena, please."

He gently moved her shoulder, turning her to face him. Melena grunted at that, but eventually looked at him. Her husband wore a suit that was as white as his hair. His red eyes were hard and steely, but to her, they were breath-takingly soft.

"It's just," Melena bit her lip, "I don't understand how we can have so many things, but not a child!"

"Melena, we've talked about this," Ardonis stated. "Having a child is too risky. You and I both know we have enemies. If we can barely defend ourselves, how much more if we have a child?"

"But isn't that risk worth taking?" Melena insisted. "It's a child, Ardonis! Don't you want to have someone to love, to hold, to care for?"

That got Ardonis to think. He looked at the clouds, and then back to his wife. Melena's eyes were wide, almost watery. Ardonis wrapped his arms around her.

"I have you," he said.

Melena smiled and held him by the shoulders.

"Having a child," she told him, "is different."

"How?"

"I...I don't know," Melena turned to the trees. "But don't you want to find out?"

"But why?" Ardonis inquired. "You keep asking for a child, but what purpose would it have?"

Melena turned to him again. She smiled, stroking his cheek with her thumb. He was a wonderful husband, she thought. He would be a great father too.

"We'll give it a purpose," she told him. "Neither of us had one until we found each other. Think how great it would be if we gave one to our child."

Ardonis sighed, leaning his head on hers. He gazed at the sky and stroked her pink locks. He still didn't understand what she was asking for, nor would he ever; but whatever it was, it could make her happy, and Ardonis didn't want her to be sad anymore.

"Do you really want a child?" he whispered.

"More than anything," Melena answered.

Ardonis sighed again. The manner he did so, however, was different. Melena stiffened.

"Okay," he conceded. "Let's have a child."


Violet uncrossed her legs as the warmth of the fireplace settled in. She was cold, even after she changed into dry clothes, so she and Taboden moved to the fireplace. Taboden was getting bored. Violet, on the other hand, was being mesmerized. She stared at the flame with wide eyes, tantalized by the way it swayed to and fro. She listened to it crackle and snap as the smoke rose to the chimney. She watched the logs burn and crumble, covering the cement with ash.

Taboden yawned and looked around the living room. It was a lot smaller than his parents' mansions, but large nevertheless. The room used to be decorated with taxidermized pokémon, but when producing and owning them became illegal, his dad moved them to another location. Where, he didn't know, but if his dad passed them on to him, he'd get rid of them for good.

The walls were made of solid red brick. The floors were covered in burgundy carpet. The fireplace gave off red and orange tints, making the room warmer than it already was. It was a peaceful atmosphere; the air was quiet but the crackling of the fire.

Violet leaned closer, making Taboden stifle a laugh. She looked adorable sitting like that. It didn't help that she was wearing his clothes too. The black shorts she was wearing were too big for her; but the red t-shirt, on the other hand, was perfect. It also used to be his favorite, Taboden mused. Before it became too small to wear, the shirt made him feel safe.

Taboden tilted his head. Looking at Violet was like looking at an alien. Everything was foreign to her. Literally everything, from the sand on the beach to the trees outside. When she saw technology like the limo and their cellphones, she was completely blown away. It was like she was looking at the world for the first time. Or, at least, that world. Taboden told Truman that earlier when Agatha took Violet to change.

"Maybe she's suffering from amnesia," Truman had guessed, "but I can't be certain. She didn't know why she was in the ocean, but she remembered who Dr. Burns was. We'll get answers when Dr. Burns comes for her."

Which would take a while, Taboden frowned. Dr. Burns called Truman during their conversation saying they were stuck in traffic. She also told them not to tell anyone about Violet, which was weird considering the girl needed medical attention.

Oh well, Taboden shrugged. It wasn't like hecouldn't take care of her.

"How are you feeling?" Taboden asked.

Violet jumped, snapping out of her reverie. Taboden chuckled.

"Sorry."

Violet tucked her knees. "I'm okay," she said.

"How's the arm?" Taboden added. "Still hurt?"

Violet blinked. She almost forgot about her injury. Agatha put an icy cloth on her arm before taping it with folded newspaper. She said it would help, but Violet was skeptical. She was cold enough when she put the cloth on; having the newspaper taped to her too was just uncomfortable. But it was Lucy's orders, they said, so she listened.

Violet tried to lift her arm, but was stopped with a shock of pain. She immediately dropped the arm.

"Yeah," she hissed. "It does."

Taboden gasped.

"Okay, okay! Umm..." He bit his lip. "Just...don't move. Okay?"

Violet nodded, recovering from the pain. It wasn't as bad as earlier, but it still hurt.

Taboden stood up.

"Hey, Agatha!" he called out. "Is the soup ready?"

"Almost!" A motherly voice replied. "Keep Violet busy in the meantime!"

"How?" Taboden remarked. "There's no TV or computer!"

"We have a library! Tell her a story!"

Taboden grunted. He wanted to complain, but there really wasn't much else to do.

"Fine," he growled. He turned back to Violet, who was looking at him curiously. "Be right back."

"Okay."

Taboden dashed out of the room. He took a while to leave, however, since the room was so big. Violet expected him to come back a few seconds later; but seconds turned to minutes, and she was stood corrected.

Disappointed, Violet turned back to the fireplace. A sliver of fire swayed back and forth, enticing her with its sensual dance. Violet leaned forward, moving with the flame. The world disappeared around her, and the spell was cast.

A blue creature hopped into the room. When she saw the fireplace, she squealed and hopped to it. She expected to have a big space waiting for her; so when she saw Violet swaying by the fireplace, she was as surprised as she was baffled.

"Azu?"

Violet gasped. She widened her eyes and turned to the creature on her left. The creature was small, light blue, and round. She thought there were two of them, but the second ball she thought was another body turned out to be the creature's tail. The creature's beady eyes blinked at her, its mouth opened in a small "o". Violet didn't know what to make of the being. She never saw anything like it before.

"It’s..it's..."

She squealed.

"So cute!"

---

Ian wiped his face. Why was his face was so wet, it wasn't raining? And if it was, would it matter? He was indoors. Specifically, and strangely, under a table.

Ian's knees shook and wobbled beneath him. One of them then jerked out of place, causing him to fall. Ian looked around, wondering why he was under a table in the first place. He grew rather tall over the years; there was no way he could fit.

But then he realized his body wasn't so big. When he inched back, something wobbled on his face.

"Glasses?" Ian raised a hand to touch it. "But I haven't worn glasses since---"

A door slammed.

"Don't walk away from me!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

Ian gasped and covered his ears.

"Is that all you know how to do? Run away from your problems?"

"I'm not running from my problems! I'm running from you, you crazy witch!"

Ian whimpered and curled back into a ball.

"Don't call me names, Richard!"

"Or what? You're gonna leave the house again?"

"Is that what you want? You want me to leave?"

"Yes! Leave!"

"I'm not going anywhere, this is my house!"

"You're not the one paying the bills!"

"Who do you think takes care of the house? Our son?"

"It's always about you, isn't it?"

"It's not about me!"

"THEN WHO IS IT ABOUT?!"

"IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE!"

"THEN WHY ARE YO--"

Ian screamed and wailed their voices away. The frames of his glasses dug into his skin, marking the sides of his face. He suddenly remembered why he preferred contacts.

"Stop fighting," he whimpered, rocking back and forth. "Stop fighting, stop yelling, stop screaming, st---"

His fists suddenly hurt, causing him to grunt. When he looked around, he wasn't under a table anymore. He was standing behind a window sill, looking out basketball courts.

"Where am I?" Ian asked.

Then he saw it. Saw them. Lucy, much younger than she was at that present time, was standing under a basketball ring. Ian knew it was her without looking at her face, which was buried between her hands. Wrapped around her was another man, whispering things he couldn't hear. The scene shouldn't have bothered Ian. Really, it shouldn't. But it did bother him, a lot, because he remembered that day. Lucy was his girlfriend, and the other man, Matt, was his best friend.

Ian stepped back. Lucy and Matt parted, but something strange happened next. Matt turned around, looked directly at Ian...

And smirked.

"You're in a lot of pain," he stated, "aren't you?"

That wasn't Matt's voice.

A nurse wrote down her last observations and turned to leave the room. Before she could touch the door handle, however, a loud scream pierced the air. Ian, who was out cold, was screaming and flailing. The railings of his bed shook violently as pillows and sheets fell to the floor.

"No!" Ian cried. "NO!"

The nurse immediately to remove Ian's needles, but the patient was moving too impetuously. More nurses rushed in and tried to hold Ian down, but it was no use. Ian's screams continued to echo, unleashing a pulse of terror to the halls outside. When the doctor finally came in, he was at loss for words. The patient's state wouldn't have allowed his body to move at all. Yet there he was, causing unspeakable damage to his body. It wasn't until a nurse sedated Ian that Ian's body stopped moving. His heart was still racing, however. Enough to cause a heart attack.

"Doctor!" A nurse cried. "What is happening?"

The doctor walked closer. Ian was paralyzed now, but the damage was done. His face was still, but agony was still evident.

"He's having a nightmare."

---

Anthony Denerro wasn't having a good morning.

He was expecting breakfast with his son, but after the maids informed him of Taboden's whereabouts, he was more than disappointed. He knew of his son's affinity to the beach---he bought him the beach house after all. But he only had his son every two years, and the boy came later than he should have. What man wouldn't be dismayed to know his son preferred anything over his own father?

Anthony then expected to have a peaceful meal with news on the TV, but his boss called soon after and ordered a mandatory meeting over breakfast. Anthony thought he had time to prepare, but the call was a warning, not a proposition. His boss was at the doorstep before Anthony could even answer. Anthony was, understandably, irritated. It wasn't polite to barge into someone's house, regardless if they worked for you or not. But his boss, Werner, had done it many times before; and it wasn't like Anthony, or anyone really, could say no to him.

So Anthony sat up straight. Werner was at the other side of his dining table eating his own breakfast. The leader of their organization cut a piece of omelet before lifting it to his mouth. Anthony tried to eat himself, but found himself unable to do so. Werner came with a large briefcase he never explained, and it was hidden from Anthony's view, taunting him. Anthony didn't understand his inscrutable employer, but there were certain things he did know about him. That was why he was suddenly glad his son was gone. He would've kicked him out himself the second he heard Werner was coming.

The sound of silverware clattering a plate froze Anthony in place. Werner wiped his hands and mouth before straightening his posture.

"You have spoken with Quest," he then started, "have you not?"

Anthony gulped. "Y-yes," he nodded. "Yesterday night, as a matter of fact. We discussed potential scientists that could work for him in his lab. I gave him the files of candidates he could choose from and told him to respond immediately."

"I see."

Anthony squirmed.

"Get them back."

Anthony blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Get the files back from him," Werner ordered. "He will no longer be of service to us."

Anthony gasped. But why? Ian Quest was a brilliant scientist that worked with them for years! He was also one of the scientists, if not people, Werner held to a high regard. Why would Werner suddenly want to let him go? But Anthony didn't question his decision. Werner always had his reasons. If he didn't, it still wouldn't matter. Werner's word was law, and they would be enforced as such.

"Yes, sir," Anthony conceded.

Werner stood up, causing Anthony to flinch. Werner commanded the maids to clear the table, and they hurriedly did so. Werner's expression was blank as they carried off the wares, but there was something in his eyes, something Anthony never saw before.

"I have another task for you," Werner said, lifting the briefcase to the top of the table. It shook the sturdy furniture, its tremors reaching all the way to Anthony's side. "Do you want to be promoted, Denerro?"

Fear was immediately wiped from Anthony's mind. Anthony stood from his chair, eying the briefcase ahead. Werner expected that to happen. He laid the suitcase down, unlocked it with a key, and opened it. Then he turned it so Anthony could see what was inside.

"Then listen closely."

---

"So she's the the secret you and Ian have been keeping this whole time?"

Lucy sighed. "Yeah."

She propped her arm against the window, glaring at the vehicles outside. She leaned her head against her fist, drumming her thigh impatiently. Matt was on the driver's seat, driving their white sedan. He too was annoyed by the traffic, but more intrigued by his wife's state. Lucy was fidgety, sweaty, and highly incensed. He understood why, of course. Lucy just spent the last hour explaining.

"You know," Matt continued, "at first I thought you were cheating on me. And you can't blame me, considering the history between you tw---"

"I get it," Lucy growled. Matt threw her an offended look. "Sorry, sorry," Lucy sighed. "It's just, why is there traffic now? Violet is injured and I'm just sitting here! I could be helping her right now, but I CAN'T because of these stupid cars!"

"Don't worry, honey, we'll get there," Matt assured. "The traffic will probably clear out after two exits."

"I hope so," Lucy clawed her face. "I'm just...so worried! So many horrible things are happening, and I don't know what to do! Why is this even happening?"

"It all started when you met that Lucario and the girl, right?" Matt asked. "I know that Lucario explained it to you guys, but don't you find his explanation a little suspicious? A girl being the fate of both humans and pokémon? It seems a little far-fetched, don't you think? It sounds more like a plot to some fantasy movie than a real-life explanation."

"I watched him and many other pokémon die, Matt," Lucy reminded. "Do you really think they died to keep up an act?"

"I don't know," Matt admitted. "I'm just trying to look at this objectively, okay? Lucario and the girl came to you guys needing help, but it seems like you guys are the ones that need saving. That girl did attack you guys, didn't she? Who knows? Maybe she's the reason Ian and Alakazam are in the hospital right now."

Lucy gasped. "No!" she shook her head. "That's not true!"

But her voice was shaky, and she stared into space in a way that looked like she was trying to convince herself more than she was him.

"You said this girl had powers you can't explain," Matt reminded. "When I came to Ian's lab at the time they were attacked, I saw something fly through the sky. Do you think that was her?"

Lucy gulped.

"She is at a beach house far away from the lab," Matt added. "How do you think she got there?"

Lucy clawed her face.

"No," she moaned. "No, no no."

She tried to convince herself otherwise, but her husband made good points. She also tried to believe him, she really did; but whenever she tried to picture Violet as the unstable monster she probably was, she could only remember the way the girl smiled at her, needed her, like...like...

"You know..."

Lucy stayed quiet.

"I know you're worried," Matt said, "and I understand why; I just don't get why you're this freaked out. You've only known her for a few days, yet you're acting like you're her...her..."

"Her mother?" Lucy finished.

Matt clicked his tongue. "Yeah," he said. "When I saw you so worried and you told me about her, I thought you and Ian...you know. But I didn't think it was possible consideri---"

"No," Lucy interrupted. "Don't say it."

When she started to tremble, Matt jumped.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he apologized. "I was just saying what I thought. I'm sorry, please don't cry!"

"N-no, you're right." Lucy took a shaky breath. "I don't know why I'm acting like this either."

If her husband didn't mention it, she wouldn't have noticed. Why was she so broken up? The girl was indeed special, yes, but she was reacting more than she should for someone she hadn't even known for a week.

"She does have strange powers," Matt reminded. "Maybe she has the power to manipulate your emotions too."

Lucy froze. It just...it just couldn't be. No. No. No.

"No."

Matt turned to her.

"I have to ask her myself," Lucy stated. "I can't sit here and make assumptions."

Matt opened his mouth.

"I know your points, and I get them. I don't disagree with you, " Lucy added. "But if I'm going to get answers, it has to be straight from the source."

"But what if she lies to you?" Matt asked.

"I'll just have to risk it," Lucy answered. "It's a lot better than torturing myself with what might or might not be true. Especially now, when the girl we're supposed to keep secret to the world is having soup with people we barely know."

Matt smiled. "You're right."

He took her small hand into his large one.

"You're right, but can you just promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"From now on, whether it's about this Violet girl or anything else," Matt said, "you include me in everything, okay?"

Lucy blinked. "Matt..."

"You're my wife, Lucy," Matt reminded. "My best friend, lover, and partner. We made a vow to face this crazy world together, so that's what we're going to do. Do NOT keep me out again...please."

Lucy shook her head, but smiled and squeezed him back.

"Okay," she told him. "I promise."

Matt exhaled a sigh of relief, but kept her hand in his. They drove in silence for a while, both in better moods than before. There was one more thing that was still bugging Matt, however.

"Lucy?"

"Yeah?"

"Was I too rough on you?" Matt asked.

Lucy scoffed. "Oh please," she said. "That tough act only works on other people. The only way you could assert any power over me is in the bedroom."

"Well then," Matt stroked her hand, "I'll just have to arrest you tonight."

Lucy giggled.

---

Violet was frightened at first, as well as intrigued, but when Taboden returned and formally introduced her, she learned a few things. One, the creature was called "Azurill", and it lived with Agatha to keep her company in the beach house. Second, it felt so soft and cuddly in her arms.

"Okay," Taboden exhaled, opening a big book. He was carrying the book when he returned, and Violet was amazed. The book was almost as big as Taboden's chest. When opened, it revealed countless words and faded illustrations. Violet was glad Taboden told her what it was. She would've embarrassed herself if she asked.

"There are lots of stories in this," Taboden turned the pages. "But there's one story I like the most."

When Taboden stopped, a big picture covered two pages. Streaks of red, white, and yellow were present, but different shades of blue dominated them all. A pair of yellow eyes stared at Violet from the papers, making her stiffen.

"This is Kyogre," Taboden introduced. "He is said to be the spirit of the ocean."

Violet leaned back as Taboden turned the page. Taboden leaned closer to read the faded words, but then retreated. Violet jumped.

"Excuse me," Taboden sniffled, recovering from his sneeze. "Man, this book is dusty."

Violet blinked. She never saw anyone do that before. What a very loud and scary thing to do; was that normal?

"Okay," Taboden started again. He leaned again, not as close that time, and began to read.

"Kyogre was said to be as old as the ocean, leading many to believe he is the ocean itself. Kyogre loved everything and everyone in its waters, from the smallest tynamo to the biggest wailord---from the most gentle luvdisc to the most vicious sharpedo. He loved everything and everyone as if he was a part of them, and they were a part of him.

Kyogre wanted to overtake the land and expand the seas. But Groudon, the spirit of the land, wouldn't let him, as he, in turn, wanted to overtake the ocean and expand the land. This created a war that raged for thousands of years. Natural disasters shook both worlds, killing countless lives from land and sea.

Furious, Arceus stripped them of their primary powers and reborn them into weaker bodies. Peace was restored for a short period, but Groudon was persistent. He assembled an army and attacked Kyogre and his people. He made sure to attack them on a lunar eclipse so their powers were disabled. Seas from many worlds were wiped out, as well as the entities that lived within them. Without the moon's power, Kyogre and his servants were defenseless against the elements of the land."

Violet cocked her head as Taboden turned a page. Taboden's voice was shaky, and his movements were rough.

"Kyogre mourned for the loss of his worlds, as well as his beloved creatures. He began to weaken, physically and mentally, as his oceans were destroyed. It wasn't long until Groudon found him and battled him to submission. Kyogre was on the brink of death when Arceus interjected. Arceus was furious at Groudon's actions, and sent him to the center of a planet as punishment for his deeds. There, Groudon was imprisoned by his own land, unable to escape.

There were times when Groudon tried to break out, and times when Kyogre tried avenge himself. Arceus wanted to end their war once and for all, but knew that the lands and oceans couldn't exist without their masters. So instead of killing Kyogre and Groudon, he took their spirits and reborn them into even weaker bodies. Disasters continued to happen, but with Kyogre and Groudon separated from their true forms, they were milder and less frequent."

Taboden leaned back. He was shaking, staggering in breaths. Violet had many questions to ask, but with Taboden looking like that, she didn't think it was appropriate to ask anything. So a moment of silence passed awkwardly between them. Even Azurill shifted uncomfortably in Violet's arms. Taboden was staring off into space, his eyes staring dazedly at the pages.

"This story," he then said, "gives me hope."

That was when Violet saw the rigid lining at the center of the book. They seemed to be the same color as the pages.

"If this story is true," Taboden continued, "I can find Kyogre and ask him to make me his servant."

"What's a servant?" Violet asked.

"Someone who serves someone powerful," Taboden said, "someone that can give you what you want."

Violet leaned closer. "What do you want?"

Taboden finally looked at her. "I--"

"Soup's ready!"

The kids jumped and turned to see Agatha with a tray of bowls.

"You'll love this, Violet," Agatha told her. "It's my world-famous vegetable soup. It's all Truman and Taboden eat when they come here; it's delicious!"

Violet blinked as the bowls were set in front of them. Taboden took a spoon for himself and proceeded to eat. He looked dazed again, but hungry too. Violet was glad for that. Hungry was better than empty.

"Why don't I feed you, Violet?" Agatha suggested, a spoonful of soup already in hand.

"Oh no!" Violet waved her hand. "It's fine."

"Nonsense!" Agatha brushed her off. "You're injured and you kids refuse to sit on the couch. I have to take care of you somehow."

Violet was reluctant, but slowly opened her mouth. She was about to change her mind when the spoon entered her mouth. She was quiet after that. The soup was delicious.

"Truman!" Agatha called behind her. "Soup is in the kitchen!"

"Where is Truman anyway?" Taboden swallowed.

"Probably talking with your father," Agatha answered. "You two have been gone for a while now. I'm sure your father must be worried."

"Please," Taboden rolled his eyes, "he'll only pull off that act until you wave a bill at his face."

"Taboden!" Agatha scolded. "Don't talk about your father like that! He loves you very much!"

"Yeah," Taboden shoved the spoon in his mouth. "That's why he'd rather leave the region for a job than stay with his family."

Agatha growled, but said nothing else. When she learned the reason her employer moved to Korrova, she didn't like the reason herself. Poor boy, she thought. It was a shame his mother wasn't any better, leaving him with the maids while she managed her own company. Agatha would've adopted the boy herself if she could have; but since she couldn't have, she hoped she mothered him enough when he visited the beach house. Truman told her Taboden didn't smile anywhere else, and that gave her hope.

---

Two figures, a man and a woman, strode swiftly across a broad white hallway. The man had sleek black hair and sharp copper eyes, and the woman had dark red hair and steely orange eyes. They concealed their attire with large white lab coats to blend with the building's staff. A couple of workers eyed them curiously, but were silenced by the strangers' glares. They didn't know who the man and woman were, but if they went that far into the wing, the wing only certain staff could enter, they must've been important.

"741, that's the room," the man said, nodding to the door they stopped in front of.

"There better not be staff in this room," the woman unlocked the door with a card. "When we get back, we're getting a raise."

The couple entered the door as swiftly as it opened. Inside the large room were tables filled with plastic-covered electronics labeled with numbered stickers. The man had no trouble finding what he was looking for, however, and slipped one of the laptops into the bag behind his coat.

"Now for the fun part," the woman smirked, taking out a small rectangular device. She approached the large computer screen filling half the space of a wall. Below the screen was a deck full of buttons, keyboards, ports, and switches. The woman inserted her device into a port. The screen, which was off, came alive. It then glitched and roared a dissonant ring, filling the room with stroboscopic lights. The only thing that remained stable was a loading bar at its center. The more the bar loaded, the more frantic the lights became.

"Oh come now," the man shook his head. "You didn't have to use SAE."

"We don't have time for this, Marge," the woman remarked. "It's only a matter of time until they find the bodies in the closet. I don't plan on staying here whe---"

The screen shut off, and the SAE's light glowed green. People were then heard yelling in the hallways. Soon after that, an alarm.

"Time to go," Marge said. The woman made sure to pocket the device as they ran into the hallway.

"HEY! STOP!"

Footsteps stampeded to the room, but the couple couldn't be seen. Smoke emitted from the pills the couple dropped behind them and engulfed the hall in haze. The group of men chasing them ran bravely into the smoke. Their figures were last seen clawing the air before dropping to the ground.

The couple continued to run until the window at the end of the hallway was closer. The woman took out another device. It was bigger, spherical, and divided by two colors.

"Salamence, get us out of here!" the woman commanded.

The device unhinged in midair, and a beam of light unleashed a dragon as big as the hallway. The creature roared in excitement. Its cry was deep, sending powerful sound waves that shook the walls around it.

"Hyper Beam!" the woman added.

The dragon opened its mouth. A large orange sphere materialized between its jaws before shooting the wall ahead. The structure exploded at the impact, creating a hole big enough for the dragon to go through.

The couple hopped onto the pokémon. "Hang on," the woman said.

And Salamence leapt out.

People were heard screaming and cowering outside the building, but the strangers soared past them too quickly to be seen. Police tried follow them with their eyes, but the clouds were too thick, and they lost them.
 
Last edited:

The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
Melena clutched the white-stoned railing of the balcony and frowned at the trees below. It wasn't the trees that made her upset, but she glared at them anyway. The stars, as always, twinkled brightly in the sky. The night was warm, but cool air brushed upon her skin. It was a night like any other. Unfortunately, it was also as depressing.

I might be mistaken, but I don't think you've ever mentioned this name before. I went back and checked and couldn't find it. It may be a good idea to avoid dropping a new name at the immediate beginning of a chapter without first giving some framing to who it is.

That said, this is some very beautiful description to start off with. The name "Melena" suits this sort of otherworldly, beautiful scene too.

"Melena?"

Melena frowned. "What is it?"

Ardonis emerged from the chamber to stand beside his wife. Melena wore a fuchsia gown, matching her carnation tresses. She had beautiful ocean eyes. To Ardonis's dismay, they were sad again.

Really loving your description here. You also provided a little detail about Ardonis to make it easier to tell who he is, though a little bit more detail might have made it even better.

"Are you still upset?" Ardonis asked.

"No," Melena answered. But she did so quietly, without looking at him.

"Melena," Ardonis sighed. "Melena, please."

There aren't a large deal of words here, but I still feel the emotion completely. You're conveying it very, very well.

He gently moved her shoulder, turning her to face him. Melena grunted at this, but eventually looked at him. Her husband wore a suit that was as white as his hair. His red irises were hard and steely. To her, however, they were breath-takingly soft.

"It's just," Melena bit her lip, "I don't understand how we can have so many things, but not a child!"

Now I'm beginning to see the merits of holding back on the physical description of Melena and Ardonis, it's certainly strengthening the already powerful emotion in this scene.

I really feel for Melena here.

"Melena, we've talked about this," Ardonis stated. "Having a child is too risky. You and I both know we have enemies. If we can barely defend ourselves, how much more if we have a child?"

"But isn't that risk worth taking?" Melena insisted. "It's a child, Ardonis! Don't you want to have someone to love, to hold, to care for?"

That got Ardonis to think. He looked at the clouds above, then back to his wife. Her eyes were wide, almost watery. He encircled his arms around her waist. "I have you," he pointed out.

Melena smiled and held him by the shoulders. "Having a child," she said, "is different."

"How?"

"I..." Melena looked down, "I don't know," she turned to the trees. "But don't you want to find out?"

I'm thinking now that these are Taboden's parents, given their wealthy background and the way they're talking. That would also explain why they're so worried about having a child, assuming that the powers he has are hereditary.

"But why?" Ardonis inquired. "You keep asking for a child, but what purpose would it have?"

Melena turned to him again. She smiled, stroking his cheek with her thumb. He was a wonderful husband, she thought. He would be a great father too. "We'll give it a purpose," she told him. "Neither of us had one until we found each other. Think how great it would be if we gave one to our child."

Ardonis sighed, leaning his head on hers. He gazed at the sky and stroked her pink locks. He still didn't understand what she was asking for, nor would he ever. But whatever it was, it could make her happy, and he didn't want her to be sad anymore.

"Do you really want a child?" he whispered.

"More than anything," Melena answered.

Ardonis sighed again. The manner he did so, however, was different. Melena flinched.

"Okay," he conceded. "Let's have a child."

I'm calling it now, this scene is going to be up for awards next year, no doubt about it. The emotion here is just incredible, it's so raw and expressed so beautifully... I'm stunned, I really am. You should truly be proud of this.

Violet uncrossed her legs as the warmth of the fireplace settled in. She was cold, even after she changed to dry clothes, so she and Taboden moved to the fireplace. Taboden was getting bored. Violet, on the other hand, was mesmerized. She stared at the flame with wide eyes, tantalized by the way it swayed to and fro. She listened to it crackle and snap as smoke rose to the chimney. She watched the logs burn and crumble, covering the cement with ash.

An interesting look into Violet's mind, and a good comparison between her and Taboden. You can tell she's not used to seeing a fireplace, but he is, obviously. I feel like this is a good indicator of a bigger picture about Violet - that she is fascinated by even simple things, if she does not know them.

Taboden yawned and looked around the living room. It was a lot smaller than his parents' mansions, but large nevertheless. The room used to be decorated with taxidermized Pokemon, but when producing and owning them became illegal, his dad moved them to another location. Where, he didn't know. But if his dad passed them on to him, he'll get rid of them for good.

Interesting paragraph, but it struggles with tenses a bit. The last bit should say "but if his dad passed them on to him, he'd get rid of them for good."

Also, maybe specifying exactly how he'd get rid of them would be a nice expansion on this subject. Would he throw them away? Destroy them? Possibly donate or sell them?

The walls were made of solid red brick. The floors were covered with burgundy carpet. The fireplace gave off red and orange tints, making the room warmer than it already was. It was a peaceful atmosphere. The air was quiet but the crackling of the fire.

Good use of description to set a "warm" atmosphere.

"It was a peaceful atmosphere, and the air was quiet except for the crackling of the fire."

Violet leaned closer, making Taboden stiffle a laugh. She looked adorable sitting like that. It didn't help that she was wearing his clothes too. She needed to change after all, and there weren't spare clothes made for girls to wear. The black shorts she wore were too big for her. The red t-shirt, on the other hand, was perfect. It also used to be his favorite, Taboden mused. Before it became too small to wear, the shirt made him feel safe.

It's spelled "stifle." Also, elaborate further in this way: "...and there weren't spare clothes for girls in his house" or something similar. It sets the scene a little better.

Nice little detail on how Taboden feels about the clothes, too. It's the little things that sometimes are the best.

Taboden tilted his head. Looking at Violet was like looking at an alien. Everything was foreign to her. Literally everything, from the sand on the beach to the trees outside. When she saw technology like the limo and their cellphones, she was culture-shocked. It was like she was looking at the world for the first time. Or, at least, this world. Taboden told Truman this earlier when Agatha took Violet to change.

I'm not sure "culture shocked" is quite the term you're looking for. "Fascinated" might be a better word for the meaning I think you're trying to convey.

This is yet another great little paragraph. I'm loving all the description and detail, you're very good at that.

"Maybe she's suffering from amnesia," He remembered Truman guessing, "but I can't be certain. She didn't know why she was in the ocean, but she remembered who Dr. Burns was. We'll get answers when Dr. Burns comes for her."

"he" should be lowercase since there is a comma after "amnesia." That sentence is still ongoing.

Which would take a while, Taboden frowned. Dr. Burns called Truman during their conversation saying they were stuck in traffic. She also told them not to tell anyone about Violet, which was strange considering the girl needed medical attention. Oh well, Taboden shrugged. It wasn't like he couldn't take care of her.

"How are you feeling?" Taboden asked. Violet jumped, snapping out of her reverie. Taboden chuckled, "Sorry."

Violet tucked in her knees. "I'm okay," she said.

"How's the arm?" Taboden asked. "Still hurt?"

Violet blinked. She almost forgot about her injury. Agatha put an icy cold cloth on it before taping it with folded newspaper. She said it would help, but Violet was skeptical. She was cold enough when she put the cloth on, and having the newspaper taped to her arm was just uncomfortable. But it was Lucy's orders, they said, so she listened.

Violet tried to lift her arm, but she was stopped with a shock of pain. She immediately dropped the arm. "Yeah," she hissed. "It does."

Taboden gasped. "Okay, okay! Umm..." Taboden bit his lip. "Just...don't move. Okay?"

Taboden and Violet have a really cute interaction.

Violet nodded, recovering from the pain. It wasn't as bad as earlier, she admitted, but it still hurt.

Taboden stood up. "Hey, Agatha!" he called out. "Is the soup ready?"

"Almost!" A motherly voice replied. "Keep Violet busy in the meantime!"

"How?" Taboden asked. "There's no TV or computer!"

"We have a library! Tell her a story!"

Taboden grunted. He wanted to complain, but there really wasn't much else to do. "Fine," he growled. He turned back to Violet, who was looking at him curiously. "Be right back," he said.

Actually, all the characters interact well with each other. For the issues I had with Matt and Lucy, you clearly do have an excellent grip on character interaction, so I'm increasingly trusting your words about them, too.

The story he picks out will be meaningful, I bet.

"Okay."

Taboden dashed out of the room, but took a while since the room was so big. Violet expected him to come back a few seconds later. But seconds turned to minutes, and she was discouraged.

Disappointed, she turned back to the fireplace. A sliver of fire swayed back and forth, enticing her with its sensual dance. Violet leaned forward, moving with the flame. The world disappeared around her. The spell was cast.

A blue creature hopped into the room. When she saw the fireplace, she squealed and hopped to it. She expected to have a big space waiting for her. So when she saw Violet swaying by the fireplace, she was as surprised as she was baffled.

"Azu?"

Well then, I didn't anticipate that. I thought something completely different was going on, or alternatively, she was just simply fascinated by the flame.

Violet gasped, and the spell was broken. Her eyes went wide as she turned to the creature. The creature was small, light blue, and round. She thought there were two of them, but the second ball she thought was another body turned out to be the creature's tail. The creature's beady eyes blinked at her, its mouth opened in a small "o". Violet didn't know what to make of it. She never saw it before.

"It’s..it's..."

She squealed.

"So cute!"

Naturally.

Ian wiped his face. Why was his face was so wet, it wasn't raining. If it was, it wouldn't matter---he was indoors. Specifically, and strangely, under a table.

I think I'd divide that second sentence in two, like this: "Why was his face so wet? It wasn't raining."

Ian's knees shook and wobbled beneath him. One of them then jerked out of place, causing him to fall. He looked around, wondering why he was under a table in the first place. He grew rather tall over the years. There was no way he could fit.

But then he realized his body wasn't so big. When he inched back, something wobbled on his face. "Glasses?" Ian raised a hand to touch it. "But I haven't worn glasses since---"

A door slammed.

"Don't walk away from me!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

Well this is strange...

Ian gasped and covered his ears.

"Is that all you know how to do? Run away from your problems?"

"I'm not running from my problems! I'm running from you, you crazy witch!"

Ian whimpered and curled back into a ball.

"Don't call me names, Richard!"

"Or what? You're gonna leave the house again?"

"Is that what you want? You want me to leave?"

"Yes! Leave!"

"I'm not going anywhere, this is my house!"

"You're not the one paying the bills!"

"Who do you think takes care of the house? Our son?"

Oh, I get it now. He's flashing back to his childhood, isn't he? These are his parents arguing.

"It's always about you, isn't it?"

"It's not about me!"

"THEN WHO IS IT ABOUT?!"

"IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE!"

"THEN WHY ARE YO--"

Ian screamed and wailed their voices away. The frames of his glasses dug into his skin, marking the sides of his face. He suddenly remembered why he preferred contacts.

"Stop fighting," he whimpered, rocking back and forth. "Stop fighting, stop yelling, stop screaming, st---"

His fists suddenly hurt, causing him to grunt. When he looked around, he wasn't under a table anymore. He was standing behind a window sill, looking out basketball courts. "Where am I?" Ian asked.

Assuming that I was correct about him flashing back to his childhood, this heavy focus on the hallucinatory style of the flashback is unique. I don't think I've seen such a thing that often.

Then he saw it. Saw them. Lucy, much younger than she was now, was standing under a basketball ring. He knew it was her without looking at her face, which was buried between her hands. Wrapped around her was another man, whispering things he couldn't hear.

It shouldn't bother him. Really, it shouldn't. But it did bother him---a lot. Because he remembered this day. Lucy was his girlfriend. The other man, Matt, was his best friend.

...wow, that wasn't something I expected. The whole love triangle thing just got a lot more serious.

Ian stepped back. Lucy and Matt parted, but something strange happened next. Matt turned around, looked directly at him...

And smirked.

"You're in a lot of pain," Matt stated. "Aren't you?"

That wasn't Matt's voice.

Something weird is going on.

A nurse wrote down her last observations and turned to leave the room. Before she could touch the door handle, however, a loud scream pierced the room. Ian, who was out cold, started screaming and flailing. The railings of his bed shook as pillows and sheets fell to the floor.

"No!" Ian cried with his eyes closed. "NO!"

The nurse immediately tried to remove his needles, but he was moving too violently. More nurses rushed in and tried to hold him down, but it was no use. His screams continued to echo, unleashing a pulse of terror to the halls outside. When the doctor finally came in, he was flabbergasted. The patient's state wouldn't allow his body to move at all. Yet there he was, causing unspeakable damage to his body. It wasn't until a nurse shot him with a drug that he eventually stopped moving. His heart was still racing, however. Enough to cause a heart attack.

"Doctor!" A nurse cried. "What is happening?"

The doctor walked closer. Ian was paralyzed now, but the damage was done. His face was still, but agony remained.

"He's having a nightmare."

Okay, nightmare, close to the hallucination guess I had. There's more really visceral description here, and it put me into the intensity of his situation very effectively.

The sentence beginning "the patient's state" should be written "The patient's state shouldn't allow his body to move at all."

Anthony Denerro wasn't having a good morning.

He was expecting breakfast with his son, but after the maids informed him of his whereabouts, he was more than disappointed. He knew his son's affinity to the beach---he bought him the beach house after all. But he only had his son every two years, and the boy came later than he should have. What man wouldn't be dismayed to know his son preferred anything over his own father?

Oops, forgive me. I forgot he was Taboden's father altogether until I saw his name and it jarred my memory. I hope you aren't too frustrated with me.

Now I'm beginning to think those two in the opening scene were Violet's parents. I probably should have thought that all along, actually.

Anthony then expected to have breakfast with news on the TV. But his boss called soon after, ordering a mandatory meeting over breakfast. Anthony thought he had time to prepare, but the call was a warning, not a proposition. In the time it took for his boss to arrive, Anthony guessed he was already outside the mansion.

Anthony was, understandibly, irritated. It wasn't polite to barge into someone's house, regardless if they worked for you or not. But his boss, Werner, had done it many times before, and it wasn't like Anthony, or anyone really, could say no to him.

"understandably."

So he sat up straight as the man sat before him. Werner, the leader of their organization, cut a piece of omelet before putting it in his mouth. Anthony tried to eat himself, but was unable to do so. Werner came with a large briefcase he never explained, and it was hidden from his view, taunting him.

The last sentence is a little vague. It's clear that the briefcase is Werner's, but "his view" and "taunting him" make it sound like the briefcase is taunting Werner when it is really taunting Anthony. Change "his view" to "Anthony's view" and that'll fix it.

The briefcase is interesting, I wonder what's in it...

Anthony didn't understand his inscrutable employer, but there were certain things he knew about him. That was why he was now glad his son was gone. He would've kicked him out himself the second he heard Werner was coming.

This one paragraph sure gives me an intimidating impression of Werner. I already fear him.

Anthony froze when silverware clattered the plates. Werner wiped his hands and mouth with a napkin and sat up straight, entwining his fingers on the table.

"You have spoken with Quest," Werner started, "have you not?"

"Y-yes," Anthony nodded. "Yesterday night, as a matter of fact. We discussed potential scientists that could work for him in his lab. I gave him files of candidates he could choose from and told him to respond immediately."

"I see."

Anthony squirmed in his seat.

"Get them back."

Anthony blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Get the files back from him," Werner commanded. "He will no longer be of service to us."

Yeah, this guy is shady. I get the feeling this is someone Ian doesn't want finding out about Violet.

Anthony gasped. But why? Ian Quest was a brilliant scientist that worked with them for years! He was also one of the scientists, if not people, Werner held to a high regard. Why would he suddenly want to let him go?

An evil plan coming into effect, clearly.

But Anthony didn't question his decision. Werner always had his reasons. If he didn't, it still wouldn't matter. His word was law, and they would be enforced as such.

"Yes, sir."

Werner stood up, causing Anthony to flinch. Werner commanded the maids to clear the table, and they hurriedly did so. Werner's expression was blank as they carried off the wares. But there was something in his eyes, something Anthony never saw before.

"I have another task for you," Werner said, lifting the briefcase to the top of the table. It shook the sturdy furniture, reaching all the way to Anthony's side.

"Do you want to be promoted, Denerro?"

Fear was wiped from Anthony's mind. He slowly stood from his chair, eying the briefcase ahead. Werner expected that to happen. He laid the suitcase down, unlocked it with a key, and opened it. He then it turned around so Anthony could see inside.

"Then listen closely."

Anthony might want to consider starting to question Werner's decisions here, because wow, this can't be leading anywhere good.

"So she's the the secret you and Ian have been keeping this whole time?"

Lucy sighed. "Yeah," she answered. She propped her arm against the window, glaring at the vehicles outside. She leaned her head against her fist, drumming her thigh impatiently. Matt was on the driver's seat, driving their white sedan. He too was annoyed by the traffic, but was more intrigued by his wife's state. Lucy was fidgety, sweaty, and highly incensed. He understood why, of course. Lucy just spent the last hour explaining. Something, he couldn't help but feel, however, was off.

It's more accurate to say Matt was in the driver's seat, not on, unless that's a cultural language quirk I don't get.

"You know," Matt continued, "at first I thought you were cheating on me. And you can't blame me, considering the history between you tw---"

"I get it," Lucy growled. Matt threw her an offended look. "Sorry, sorry," Lucy sighed. "It's just, why is there traffic now? Violet is injured, and I'm just sitting here! I could be helping her right now, but I CAN'T because of these stupid cars!"

I have to give you credit, I thought this exchange was going to get bogged down in the fighting between them I've criticized previously, but you deftly avoided it. Good work there.

"Don't worry, honey, we'll get there," Matt assured. "The traffic will probably clear out after two exits."

"I hope so," Lucy clawed her face. "I'm just...so worried! So many horrible things are happening, and I don't know what to do! Why is this even happening?"

"It all started when you met that Lucario and the girl, right?" Matt asked. "I know that Lucario explained it to you guys, but don't you find his explanation a little suspicious? A girl being the fate of both humans and pokémon? That seems a little far fetched, don't you think? It sounds more like a plot to some fantasy movie than a real-life explanation."

Have to agree with Matt on that one, but he's going to find out just how real all of this is very, very soon.

I wonder what his exact suspicion is, though.

"I watched him and many other pokémon die, Matt," Lucy reminded. "Do you really think they died to keep up an act?"

"I don't know," Matt admitted. "I'm just trying to look at this objectively, okay? Lucario and the girl came to you guys needing help, but it seems like you guys are the ones that need saving. That girl did attack you guys, didn't she? Who knows? Maybe she's the reason Ian and Alakazam are in the hospital right now."

Lucy gasped. "No!" she shook her head. "That's not true!"

But her voice was shaky, and she stared into space in a way that looked like she was trying to convince herself more than she was him.

That's an interesting move. You could have simply gone with the basic black and white situation of one party thinking one thing while the other party thinks the opposite, but if Lucy is already having doubts, that could take this plot in a direction I didn't expect.

"You said this girl had powers you can't explain," Matt reminded. "When I came to Ian's lab at the time they were attacked, I saw something fly through the sky. Do you think that was her?"

Lucy swallowed.

"She is at a beach house far away from the lab," Matt added. "How do you think she got there?"

Lucy clawed her face. "No," she moaned. "No, no no."

She tried to convince herself otherwise, but her husband made good points. She also tried to believe him, she really did. But whenever she tried to picture Violet as the unstable monster she probably was, she could only remember the way the girl smiled at her, needed her. Like...like...

Very good work depicting Lucy's fears working their way through her. I really feel every bit of it.

"You know..."

Lucy stayed quiet.

"I know you're worried," Matt said, "and I understand why. I just don't get why you're this freaked out. You've only known her for a few days, yet you're acting like you're her...her..."

"Her mother?" Lucy finished.

Hm, possible parallels between Lucy and Melena?

Matt clicked his tongue. "Yeah," he said. "When I saw you so worried and you told me about her, I thought you and Ian...you know. But I didn't think it was possible consideri---"

"No," Lucy interrupted. "Don't say it."

When she started shaking, Matt jumped. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he apologized. "I was just saying what I thought. I'm sorry, please don't cry!"

Have to admit, he's starting to win back some of the favor I'd run out of for him prior to this. It's encouraging.

"N-no, you're right," Lucy took a shaky breath. "I don't know why I'm acting like this either."

If her husband didn't mention it, she wouldn't have noticed. Why was she so broken up? The girl was indeed special, yes, but she was reacting more than she should for someone she hadn't even known for a week. What was happening?

"She does have strange powers," Matt commented. "Maybe she has the power to manipulate your emotions too."

Lucy froze. It just...it just couldn't be. No. No. No.

"No."

Matt turned to her.

"I have to ask her myself," Lucy stated. "I can't sit here and make assumptions."

Matt opened his mouth.

"I know your points, and I get them. I don't disagree with you, " Lucy added. "But if I'm going to get answers, it has to be straight from the source."

"But what if she lies to you?" Matt asked.

"I'll just have to risk it," Lucy answered. "It's a lot better than torturing myself with what might or might not be true. Especially now, when the girl we're supposed to keep secret to the world is having soup with people we barely know."

This is probably their best conversation so far overall. I feel like you have taken my advice about them to heart, because a lot of the issues I had with their relationship previously are improving in this chapter.

Matt smiled. "You're right," he took her small hand into his large one. "You're right. But can you just promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"From now on, whether it's about this Violet girl or anything else," Matt told her, "you include me in everything, okay?"

Lucy blinked. "Matt..."

"You're my wife, Lucy," Matt reminded. "My best friend, lover, and partner. We made a vow to face this crazy world together, so that's what we're going to do. Do NOT keep me out again...please."

I'll be honest, I'm still a little uncomfortable with him, but I'm getting better with him.

Lucy shook her head, but smiled and squeezed him back. "Okay," she told him. "I promise."

Matt exhaled a sigh of relief, but kept her hand in his. They drove in silence for a while, both in better moods than before. There was one more thing that was still bugging him.

"Lucy?"

"Yeah?"

"Was I too rough on you?" Matt asked.

Ah, that's good too, if he's finally becoming aware that his actions aren't exactly as good as they could be.

Lucy scoffed. "Oh please," she said. "That tough act only works on other people. The only way you could assert any power over me is in the bedroom."

"Well then," Matt stroked her hand with his thumb, "I'll just have to arrest you tonight."

Lucy giggled.

I smiled too.

Violet was frightened at first, as well as intrigued, but when Taboden returned and formally introduced her, she learned a few things. One, the creature was called Azurill, and it lived with Agatha to keep her company in the beach house. Second, it felt so soft and cuddly in her arms. Though they just met, Azurill was becoming fond of the girl.

I bet Azurill becoming fond of her is not just because she was nice to it.

"Okay," Taboden exhaled, opening a big book. He was carrying the book when he returned, and Violet was amazed. The book was almost as big as Taboden's chest. When opened, it revealed countless words and faded illustrations. Violet was glad Taboden told her what it was. She would've embarrassed herself if she asked.

"There are lots of stories in this," Taboden turned the pages frantically. "But there's one story I like the most."

When Taboden stopped, a big picture covered two pages. Streaks of red, white, and yellow were present, but different shades of blue dominated them all. A pair of yellow eyes stared at Violet from the pages, making her stiffen.

"This is Kyogre," Taboden introduced. "He is said to be the spirit of the ocean."

I suspect this story is being used for important foreshadowing, so Kyogre being linked to it (which makes sense given Taboden's abilities) is a good choice.

Violet leaned back as Taboden turned the page. Taboden leaned closer to read the faded words, but then retreated. Violet jumped.

"Excuse me," Taboden sniffled, recovering from his sneeze. "Man, this book is dusty."

Violet blinked. She never saw anyone do that before. What a very loud and scary thing to do. Was that normal?

I think you should make it a little more obvious that Taboden sneezed in the first sentence than just "but then [he] retreated." Try mentioning that he sharply exhaled from his nose or something.

That aside, I have to admit Violet is rather adorable here.

"Okay," Taboden started again. He leaned closer to the pages, not as close this time, and began to read.

"Kyogre was said to be as old as the ocean, leading many to believe he is the ocean itself. Kyogre loved everything and everyone in its waters. From the smallest tynamo to the biggest wailord---from the most gentle luvdisc to the most vicious sharpedo. He loved everything and everyone as if he was a part of them, and they were a part of him.

Interesting expansion to Kyogre's story.

May I ask for an explanation as to what approach you're using to the rules regarding capitalization of Pokemon names?

"Kyogre wanted to overtake the land and expand the seas. But Groudon, spirit of the land, wouldn't let him; as he, in turn, wanted to overtake the ocean and expand the land. This created a war that raged for thousands of years. Natural disasters shook both worlds, killing countless lives from land and sea.

"Furious, Arceus stripped them of their primary powers and reborn them into weaker bodies. Peace was restored for a short period, but Groudon was persistent. He assembled an army and attacked Kyogre and his creatures. He made sure to attack them on a lunar eclipse so their powers were disabled. Seas from many worlds were wiped out, as well as the entities that lived within them. Without the moon's power, Kyogre and his servants were defenseless against the elements of the land."

I'm really intrigued by this. It is coming from an old storybook, so some of this may not be necessarily accurate, the possibilities it raises are things I absolutely want to learn more about.

I wonder if Taboden's water abilities are tied to this somehow.

Violet cocked her head as Taboden turned the page. His voice was shaky, and his movements were rough.

"Kyogre mourned for the loss of his worlds as well as his beloved creatures. He began to weaken, physically and mentally, as the oceans were destroyed. It wasn't long until Groudon battled him to submission. Kyogre was in the brink of death when Arceus interjected. Arceus was enraged by Groudon's actions. As punishment, Arceus opened up the earth and sent Groudon to the center of a planet. There, Groudon was imprisoned by his own land, unable to escape

"At the brink of death."

Really liking Arceus's role here.

"There were times when Groudon tried to escape, and times when Kyogre tried avenge himself. Arceus wanted to end the war once and for all, but knew the land and ocean couldn't exist without their masters. So instead of killing Kyogre and Groudon, he took their spirits and reborn them into even weaker bodies. Disasters may have continued to happen, but with Kyogre and Groudon seperated from their true forms, they were milder and less frequent."

Instead of "reborn," use "reincarnated." It sounds better. Also, "separated" is misspelled.

Dunno about Violet, but Taboden is the reincarnation of/related somehow to Kyogre.

Taboden leaned back. He was shaking, staggering in breaths. Violet had many questions to ask, but with Taboden looking like that, she didn't think it was appropriate to ask anything.

So a moment of silence passed awkwardly between them. Even Azurill shifted uncomfortably in Violet's arms. Taboden was staring off into space, his eyes staring dazedly at the pages. "This story," Taboden started, "gives me hope."

That was when Violet saw the rigid lining at the center of the book. She noticed they were the same color as the pages.

"If this story is true," Taboden continued, "I can find Kyogre and ask him to make me his servant."

"What's a servant?" Violet asked.

"Someone who serves someone powerful," Taboden said, "someone that can give you what you want."

Violet leaned closer. "What do you want?" she asked.

Taboden finally looked at her. "I--"

I'm really excited by the possibilities this section raises. The storyline just got kicked into high gear something fierce, I think.

"Soup's ready!"

The kids jumped and turned to see Agatha with a tray of bowls. "You'll love this, Violet," Agatha told her. "It's my world-famous vegetable soup. It's all Truman and Taboden eat when they come here. It's delicious!"

Violet blinked as the bowls were set in front of them. Taboden took a spoon for himself and proceeded to eat. He looked dazed again, but hungry too. Violet was glad. Hungry was better than empty.

"Why don't I feed you, Violet?" Agatha suggested, a spoonful of soup already in hand.

"Oh no!" Violet waved her hand. "It's fine."

"Nonsense!" Agatha brushed her off. "You're injured and you kids refuse to sit on the couch. I have to take care of you somehow."

Violet was reluctant, but slowly opened her mouth. She was about to change her mind when the spoon entered her mouth. She was quiet after that. The soup was delicious.

It's these small things that someone with Violet's background hasn't been able to enjoy before, so they really carry weight for her, and your writing sells me on it.

"Truman!" Agatha called behind her. "Soup is in the kitchen!"

"Where is Truman anyway?" Taboden swallowed and asked.

"Probably talking with your father," Agatha answered. "You two have been gone for a while now. I'm sure your father must be worried."

Taboden rolled his eyes. "Please," he said. "He'll only pull off that act until you wave a bill at his face."

"Taboden!" Agatha scolded. "Don't talk about your father like that! He loves you very much!"

Taboden scoffed. "Yeah," he shoved the spoon in his mouth. "That's why he'd rather leave the region for a job than stay with his family."

Well this escalated quickly...

Agatha growled, but said nothing else. When she learned the reason her employer moved to the region, she didn't like it herself. Poor boy, she thought. It was a shame his mother wasn't any better, leaving him with maids while she managed her own company. She'd adopt the boy herself if she could. But since she couldn't, she hoped she mothers him enough when he visits the beach house. Truman told her he didn't smile anywhere else, and that gave her hope.

Tense issue. It should say "she hoped she mothered him enough," past tense.

Another nice touch of emotion.

Two figures, a man and a woman, strode swiftly across a broad white hallway. The man had sleek black hair and sharp copper eyes. The woman had dark red hair and steely orange eyes. They concealed their attire with large white lab coats to blend in with the building's staff. A couple of staff eyed them curiously, but were silenced by their glares. They didn't know who the man and woman were, but if they went this far into the wing, the wing only certain staff could enter, they must be important.

Ominous...

"741, that's the room," the man said, nodding to the door they stopped in front of.

"There better not be staff in this room," the woman said, unlocking the door with a card. "When we get back, we're getting a raise."

The couple entered the door as swiftly as it opened. Inside the large room were tables filled with plastic-covered electronics labeled with numbered stickers. Despite this, the man had no trouble finding what he was looking for. He took one of the laptops on the table and slipped it into the bag behind his coat.

Scratch that, this is ominous.

"Now for the fun part," the woman smirked, taking out a small rectangular device. She strode to the large computer screen filling half the space of a wall. Below the screen was a deck full of buttons, keyboards, ports, and switches. She inserted her device into a port, and the screen, which was off, came alive. The screen then glitched and filled the room with stroboscopical lights. The only thing that remained constant was a loading bar. The more the bar loaded, the more frantic the lights became.

I think you should have just gone with "stroboscopic."

I wonder what they're up to exactly. Stealing data and erasing it, obviously, but data of what and why?

"Oh come now," the man shook his head. "You didn't have to use SAE."

I assume SAE is the device she used.

"We don't have time for this, Marge," the woman remarked. "It's only a matter of time until they find the bodies in the closet. I don't plan on staying here whe---"

The screen suddenly shut off, and the SAE's light on the edge glowed green. People were heard yelling in the hallways, and they were getting louder. An alarm was then set off, alerting the couple to run. The woman made sure to pocket the device as they ran into the hallway.

"HEY! STOP!"

Footsteps stampeded to their direction, but the couple couldn't be seen. Smoke emitted from the pills they dropped behind them and engulfed the hall in haze. The group of men chasing them ran bravely into the smoke. But they eventually slowed down, suffocating to the gas before dropping to the ground.

Far ahead, the couple ran to the large window at the end of the hall. The woman took out another device. This time, it was bigger, spherical, and divided by two colors.

"Salamence, get us out of here!" the woman commanded.

Wow, a Salamence? These two, whoever they are, they aren't joking.

Team Rocket? Another evil team?

The device unhinged in midair, releasing a blue dragon as big as the hallway. It roared in excitement, releasing a red and orange beam from its jaws. The force of the attack blew through the wall, creating a hole big enough to go through. The couple quickly hopped onto the creature, and the dragon's wings expanded as the couple settled in.

"Hang on," the woman said, and the dragon lept out. People screamed and cowered outside the building as Salemence soared above them. The couple tucked in their heads as Salamence thrust forward. It sent them off to the cloudy skies, disappearing to oblivion. Police tried to track them down, but the clouds were too thick, and they lost them.

There is one misspelling of "Salamence" in this part. "Salamence soared above them" it should say.

Anyway, I'm very impressed by this chapter. You've clearly taken my advice into account when it comes to Matt and Lucy, and their relationship has improved nicely. It still has some progress to make, but you're off to a great start on that. Taboden and Violet also continue to be absolutely adorable, and the introduction of Kyogre into the plot raises some possibilities for the future of the plot that I'm very excited to see developed further. The best aspect, though, was the emotion - beginning with the Melena and Ardonis scene and continuing throughout the entire chapter - you pulled off all the emotion, from despair to fear to hope and everything in between, fantastically. I'm truly impressed, and don't get me wrong, I meant it when I said I think you might very well be seeing nominations for this chapter in a few months.
 
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ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Review Response for THE GREAT BUTLER (Chapter 12)

I might be mistaken, but I don't think you've ever mentioned this name before. I went back and checked and couldn't find it. It may be a good idea to avoid dropping a new name at the immediate beginning of a chapter without first giving some framing to who it is.

That said, this is some very beautiful description to start off with. The name "Melena" suits this sort of otherworldly, beautiful scene too.


No, you're correct. This chapter is Melena and Ardonis's first appearance. You guys will actually be reading a lot about them in the future chapters. Their roles in the story are incredibly important.

And thank you, I think "Melena" is a pretty name too. I actually switched back and forth on what her name should be. When people say character names are tricky, they're not kidding.

There aren't a large deal of words here, but I still feel the emotion completely. You're conveying it very, very well.

Now I'm beginning to see the merits of holding back on the physical description of Melena and Ardonis, it's certainly strengthening the already powerful emotion in this scene.

I really feel for Melena here.

Take it as a part of my writing style. I want my readers to focus on one thing at a time so they can fully immerse in what I'm trying to convey. I don't want my readers to have to deal with emotions, mechanics, and the like all at the same time. That would be overwhelming---especially if the characters are new.

I'm thinking now that these are Taboden's parents, given their wealthy background and the way they're talking. That would also explain why they're so worried about having a child, assuming that the powers he has are hereditary.

I'm calling it now, this scene is going to be up for awards next year, no doubt about it. The emotion here is just incredible, it's so raw and expressed so beautifully... I'm stunned, I really am. You should truly be proud of this.

Thank you, I am very proud. I'm very glad my efforts to be a better writer are paying off.

An interesting look into Violet's mind, and a good comparison between her and Taboden. You can tell she's not used to seeing a fireplace, but he is, obviously. I feel like this is a good indicator of a bigger picture about Violet - that she is fascinated by even simple things, if she does not know them.

Also, maybe specifying exactly how he'd get rid of them would be a nice expansion on this subject. Would he throw them away? Destroy them? Possibly donate or sell them?


I'm glad Violet's naivety is still intact. It can be very challenging to write someone being naive when you yourself know so much (I blame and thank the Internet).

You raise a good point in regards to specifying what Taboden would do to the taxedermized pokémon. I would like to note that the vagueness was intentional. I want you guys to wonder what he would do to them.

Good use of description to set a "warm" atmosphere.

"It was a peaceful atmosphere, and the air was quiet except for the crackling of the fire."

No, I intentionally wrote the phrases like that. If you read them out loud, that's exactly what I want them to sound like.

It's spelled "stifle." Also, elaborate further in this way: "...and there weren't spare clothes for girls in his house" or something similar. It sets the scene a little better.


Just corrected it, thank you!

I actually debated on how to write the sentence "...and there weren't spare clothes...". I thought about adding the location of the beach house, but thought that their being in the beach house was already implied. I'll note it anyway.

Nice little detail on how Taboden feels about the clothes, too. It's the little things that sometimes are the best.

Yes, personal descriptions do wonders in empathizing with the characters.

I'm not sure "culture shocked" is quite the term you're looking for. "Fascinated" might be a better word for the meaning I think you're trying to convey.

This is yet another great little paragraph. I'm loving all the description and detail, you're very good at that.

"Culture-shocked" is actually the only word I could find to convey the detail. I searched a great amount of time for a word to describe the feeling you get when you encounter a foreign and unique world that makes you feel awed, afraid, and curious at the same time. I didn't want to use "culture-shocked", feeling it was too...cheap, but it was the best word I could find. I actually wanted to use words like "fascinated", "intrigued", or "riveted", but felt like the emotion in them wasn't accurate enough.

And thank you. I'm glad I'm doing a good job on the descriptions and details. They're very important in keeping the story interesting.

"he" should be lowercase since there is a comma after "amnesia." That sentence is still ongoing.

Thank you, I just corrected it. I'm doing final revisions in my laptop from now on. Mistakes are a lot easier to see on a big computer screen than a smartphone.

Taboden and Violet have a really cute interaction.

Actually, all the characters interact well with each other. For the issues I had with Matt and Lucy, you clearly do have an excellent grip on character interaction, so I'm increasingly trusting your words about them, too.


I'll try not to break that trust. As a person studying how people work, I should be able to create realistic scenarios real people could relate to. Fortunately, and unfortunately, the character interactions you guys are reading are based on real-life observations.

The story he picks out will be meaningful, I bet.

Well then, I didn't anticipate that. I thought something completely different was going on, or alternatively, she was just simply fascinated by the flame.

Naturally.

Think of it as a flowery description on what it's like to be distracted.

Also, nobody can resist an azurill's cuteness. If someone can, I haven't met him/her yet.

I think I'd divide that second sentence in two, like this: "Why was his face so wet? It wasn't raining."

I thought about writing it like that, but it didn't feel natural, for some reason. It really made me wonder how someone could write a question ending with a statement. Kind of like writing "Why, I didn't know", with the word "why" implying a question, rendering a question mark unnecessary. If you switch things around and said "I didn't know why", it would still be correct. But then again, if you switch my phrases around and said "It wasn't raining, why was his face so wet?", it would end with a question mark...

Ugh. I guess you can say I have mixed feelings.

Well this is strange...

Oh, I get it now. He's flashing back to his childhood, isn't he? These are his parents arguing.

Assuming that I was correct about him flashing back to his childhood, this heavy focus on the hallucinatory style of the flashback is unique. I don't think I've seen such a thing that often.

...wow, that wasn't something I expected. The whole love triangle thing just got a lot more serious.

Something weird is going on.

Okay, nightmare, close to the hallucination guess I had. There's more really visceral description here, and it put me into the intensity of his situation very effectively.


It can be all three, you'll never know. At least, until he wakes up and explains. IF he wakes up and explains.

That's not a spoiler, by the way. That's just me being a suspense-adding jerk.

The sentence beginning "the patient's state" should be written "The patient's state shouldn't allow his body to move at all."

I thought "wouldn't" sounded correct, but I agree with "shouldn't" too.

Oops, forgive me. I forgot he was Taboden's father altogether until I saw his name and it jarred my memory. I hope you aren't too frustrated with me.

Now I'm beginning to think those two in the opening scene were Violet's parents. I probably should have thought that all along, actually.

"understandably."

Nah, it's cool. With this many characters in the story, we're bound to forget some once in a while. I'll try to make it easier for you guys though.

The last sentence is a little vague. It's clear that the briefcase is Werner's, but "his view" and "taunting him" make it sound like the briefcase is taunting Werner when it is really taunting Anthony. Change "his view" to "Anthony's view" and that'll fix it.

I thought about adding "Anthony's view", but didn't think it was necessary since it would be silly for Werner's case to be taunting its owner. Anyway, I'll fix that in the future, just to be safe.

The briefcase is interesting, I wonder what's in it...

This one paragraph sure gives me an intimidating impression of Werner. I already fear him.

Yeah, this guy is shady. I get the feeling this is someone Ian doesn't want finding out about Violet.

An evil plan coming into effect, clearly.

Anthony might want to consider starting to question Werner's decisions here, because wow, this can't be leading anywhere good.

Yes, always keep an eye on the one who doesn't elaborate his decisions.

It's more accurate to say Matt was in the driver's seat, not on, unless that's a cultural language quirk I don't get.

It might be in. I just didn't say "in" because I wanted to imply that Matt was sitting on the driver's seat, not inside it.

I have to give you credit, I thought this exchange was going to get bogged down in the fighting between them I've criticized previously, but you deftly avoided it. Good work there.

Have to agree with Matt on that one, but he's going to find out just how real all of this is very, very soon.

I wonder what his exact suspicion is, though.

Yes, I think it's time we get to know Matt. We can't really judge him unless we know him, right?

That's an interesting move. You could have simply gone with the basic black and white situation of one party thinking one thing while the other party thinks the opposite, but if Lucy is already having doubts, that could take this plot in a direction I didn't expect.

Very good work depicting Lucy's fears working their way through her. I really feel every bit of it.

Yes, just like people in real life, my characters are NOT black and white.

Hm, possible parallels between Lucy and Melena?

Have to admit, he's starting to win back some of the favor I'd run out of for him prior to this. It's encouraging.

This is probably their best conversation so far overall. I feel like you have taken my advice about them to heart, because a lot of the issues I had with their relationship previously are improving in this chapter.

I'll be honest, I'm still a little uncomfortable with him, but I'm getting better with him.

Ah, that's good too, if he's finally becoming aware that his actions aren't exactly as good as they could be.

I smiled too.

Just too let you guys know, Matt's role is also incredibly important. Keep an eye out for him.

I bet Azurill becoming fond of her is not just because she was nice to it.

I suspect this story is being used for important foreshadowing, so Kyogre being linked to it (which makes sense given Taboden's abilities) is a good choice.

I think you should make it a little more obvious that Taboden sneezed in the first sentence than just "but then [he] retreated." Try mentioning that he sharply exhaled from his nose or something.

No, I intended to write it like that. I want you guys to feel Violet's surprise and confusion as if they were your own.

That aside, I have to admit Violet is rather adorable here.

Interesting expansion to Kyogre's story.

May I ask for an explanation as to what approach you're using to the rules regarding capitalization of Pokemon names?

In my story, the word "pokémon" and words such as "pikachus" and "squirtles" can be proper nouns AND common nouns, depending on how we use them. For example, the "alakazam" in "the group of alakazams" is lower case because the phrase is not referring to a specific alakazam. However, Alakazam, Ian's partner and friend, is capitalized because Alakazam is a specific alakazam and "Alakazam" is also what she's being called...I hope that make sense.

I'm really intrigued by this. It is coming from an old storybook, so some of this may not be necessarily accurate, the possibilities it raises are things I absolutely want to learn more about.

"At the brink of death."

Really liking Arceus's role here.

Instead of "reborn," use "reincarnated." It sounds better. Also, "separated" is misspelled.

I'm really excited by the possibilities this section raises. The storyline just got kicked into high gear something fierce, I think.

I'm glad you acknowledge that the story is from an old storybook. It makes you wonder which stories you know are real or fake, regardless which book they were from.

I'll correct the misspelling as soon as possible. I want to note that I'm typing this response on a laptop. Definitely learning from my mistakes here.

It's these small things that someone with Violet's background hasn't been able to enjoy before, so they really carry weight for her, and your writing sells me on it.

Well this escalated quickly...

Tense issue. It should say "she hoped she mothered him enough," past tense.

Another nice touch of emotion.

I also debated on that sentence. Then again, all that debate occurred late at night so I don't think my thinking was as sharp.

Ominous...

Scratch that, this is ominous.

I think you should have just gone with "stroboscopic."
I think so too. I guess I got confused because "stroboscopic" and "stroboscopical" are both words and adjectives that can be used for the same purpose.

I wonder what they're up to exactly. Stealing data and erasing it, obviously, but data of what and why?

I assume SAE is the device she used.

Wow, a Salamence? These two, whoever they are, they aren't joking.

Team Rocket? Another evil team?

There is one misspelling of "Salamence" in this part. "Salamence soared above them" it should say.
I already corrected the misspelling. I always wondered why you'd copy and paste the chapter in your review before finishing the actual review. Now I understand why.

Anyway, I'm very impressed by this chapter. You've clearly taken my advice into account when it comes to Matt and Lucy, and their relationship has improved nicely. It still has some progress to make, but you're off to a great start on that. Taboden and Violet also continue to be absolutely adorable, and the introduction of Kyogre into the plot raises some possibilities for the future of the plot that I'm very excited to see developed further. The best aspect, though, was the emotion - beginning with the Melena and Ardonis scene and continuing throughout the entire chapter - you pulled off all the emotion, from despair to fear to hope and everything in between, fantastically. I'm truly impressed, and don't get me wrong, I meant it when I said I think you might very well be seeing nominations for this chapter in a few months.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I may not be writing for an award, but I would be more than honored to be bestowed one---especially since I work so hard on the story.

I'm actually hard at work writing the next chapter. I'm working on other things too of course, like the final section of your story review, but Chapter 13 is definitely a priority. I hope I'm not spoiling anything when I say it's going to be a total game-changer. I get excited just thinking about it.

Anyway, thank you so much for reviewing my story! As always, it's a pleasure receiving feedback from a prestigious writer such as yourself. I'm posting the last section of my review to your story very soon, so I hope you look forward to it!
 

ChewieJ

Pokémon Writer
Updates!

Hello, beloved readers! I have news regarding the story.

Firstly, Chapter 13, as a game-changer, will take a while to be posted. Not just because I'm busy, but because the chapter contains so much crucial information, I have to make sure they're delivered properly. It's going to be longer than the previous chapters, that's for sure, and will (hopefully) have as little mistakes as possible. Starting from this chapter, also, the story will be set in a faster pace. I feel like the plot is dragging a bit, but if it ends up going too fast, please say so, and I will correct it immediately.

Speaking of mistakes, I will be correcting the mistakes in the previous chapters during my *coughwritersblockcough* breaks---excuse me. These corrections will also keep me from going into hiatus so it doesn't take me three months to update coughlikethelastchaptercough---hoo, excuse me again. Sorry for my totally-not-intentional coughing fits. I'll update you guys after I've edited, maybe, about every five chapters. If I rewrite an entire chapter, I'll let you know, but I wouldn't count on it. Despite the rather embarrassing grammatical errors, the chapters are exceptional (considering the period of time they were written in).

Thirdly, the introductory post at the beginning of the thread has been added with a warning---yes, a warning---in consideration to our fellow readers who may not be able to handle the content being, and that will be, posted in the story. I'm honestly not that worried though. I already try not make things too gruesome, and read some of the darker and more POPULAR works in this site (yes, I see you sick, twisted, geniuses that write them and I adore you so much), so I know you guys can handle it. But in consideration to those who don't (and myself who doesn't want to get in trouble), the warning is there. If things get more gruesome, and they probably will, I'll let you guys know at the beginning of the chapters. I'll also update the introductory post so the new readers will get a heads-up.

I think that's pretty much it for now. I'll get started on the chapter revisions since I'm taking a little break from the next chapter. My schedule leaves me no choice but to write it on my phone, but the revisions, I assure you, will be on this laptop.

I'll see you guys soon. Bye!
 
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