The Battle of the Century

[ab22380]

Chapter One: The journey begins

The sun shone throughout the collosal stadium. Today was the championship round between max a fledgling trainer who just began his journey. He sported a forest green vest with khaki shorts, he wore glasses as well. Max came from the city of Petalburg where his good friend Ash hosted the gym. Max's opponent went by the name of Ross. He had a black jumpsuit outlined with mauve and spiky brown hair. Ross taunted "your going down!" Max just stood there mumbling to himself "we'll see about that." Just then a blairing whistle blew, the battle had started! Ross quickly responded by launching a red/white orb known as a pokeball. Just seconds after its departure the pokeball exploded into a bright red aura. When the aura had died out, in its place was a human -like fighter known as Medicham. Max stunned to have almost never seen this pokemon stood in shock. He exclaimed "Wow a Medicham, thats awesome!" Then focusing his mind Max through a pokeball of his own. Following the same pattern that his opponents did the pokeball burst into a bright red aura. In place of the aura stood a small human-like pokemon as well. The pokemon cooed"Kirli Kirlia" Ross then smirked "you think that type effectiveness can beat my good old Medicham? Besides since this is a 3 pokemon battle my other 2 will take yours down.Medicham hi-jump kick now!" Medicham then readied itself and suddenly dissapeared! Max gauked "Wha...Wher..Where did it go?" Kirlia also stood there confused. Then Max realized that Medicham propelled itself into the air! With cat-like reflexes he commanded "Kirlia double team now!" Kirlia still puzzled at what was going decided to trust her master. She began concentrating with the utmost focus and split in two just as Medicham struck from the air. The impact of Medicham's powerful attack caused an enormous cloud of dust to billow up from the ground. The crowd stood dead silent to see that

 

[ab22380]

hi, I'm new here and started to read some of the stories and that really made me want to make my own.
Please post questions, comments, suggestions, critique

 

[UnholyWeather]

Um, dude, this isn't the place to post the first chapter of your fic. The Author's Cafe is for writing ideas and such not for fanfics. If you want your fanfic to be reviewed, you should post it in the Fanfiction forum.

 

[Dragonfree]

Aside from that, you really need to paragraph your fic, and please don't double post unless you're updating the fic.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Chapter One: The journey begins

The sun shone throughout the colossal stadium. Today was the championship round between Max, a fledgling trainer who just began his journey. He sported a forest green vest with khaki shorts and wore glasses as well. Max came from the city of Petalburg, where his good friend Ash hosted the gym. Max's opponent went by the name of Ross. He had a black jumpsuit outlined with mauve, and spiky brown hair.

Ross taunted, "You're going down!"

Max just stood there mumbling to himself, "We'll see about that."

Just then a blairing whistle blew[ B]-[/B] the battle had started! Ross quickly responded by launching a red/white orb known as a pokeball. Just seconds after its departure the pokeball exploded into a bright red aura. When the aura had died out, in its place was a human-like fighter known as Medicham. Max, because he had almost never seen this pokemon, stood in shock. He exclaimed,

"Wow, a Medicham! That's awesome!"

Then, focusing his mind, Max threwa pokeball of his own. Following the same pattern that his opponent's did, the pokeball burst into a bright red aura. In place of the aura stood a small, human-like pokemon as well. The pokemon cooed,

"Kirli Kirlia."

Ross then smirked. "You think that type effectiveness can beat my good old Medicham? Besides, since this is a three pokemon battle, my other two will take yours down. Medicham, hi-jump kick now!"

Medicham then readied itself and suddenly disappeared! Max gawked,"Wha...Wher..Where did it go?"

Kirlia also stood there, confused. Then Max realized that Medicham had propelled itself into the air! With cat-like reflexes, he commanded,

"Kirlia double team now!"

Kirlia, still puzzled at what was going on, decided to trust her master. She began concentrating with the utmost focus and split in two just as Medicham struck from the air. The impact of Medicham's powerful attack caused an enormous cloud of dust to billow up from the ground. The crowd stood dead silent to see that.

Here's an edited version with correct grammar/punctuation/spelling (although I could have made some errors there). It's easy to do this for yourself - the Spellchecker in Word will do it for you! And readers really appreciate things like this - it makes the story a whole heap easier to read and doesn't distract from the actual content of your fic. As for the double spacing of paragraphs and speech - Word won't do that, but just hit the enter key twice when you start a new paragraph. It breaks things up so the reader doesn't get intimidated by a wall of text.

As for the overall content, I have to say it varied wildly. There's a lot of awkward phrasing in here, but at the same time, there's flashes of really nice descriptions. My advice? Try to focus on the characters and their expressions, tones of voice, behaviour and attitudes, rather than what they're wearing. Read through what you've written and if it's awkward to say, it's gonna be awkward to read so just tinker with the phrasing until it reads smoothly.

Anyway, you've certainly got a lot of ideas for this fic! Let's see them expressed in a reader-friendly format and with a bit more slick description. ^^ good luck and have fun with the next chapter! This fic is going places!

Piney.
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