The beggining of an epic

[Beyonder]

;004;
Hello everyone I know this is rated a 2 star fic but if you can read it all the way through then you will realize it is worth a lot more. I know the beggining is bad but I will not edit as it shows how much I have improved. Please read it all the way through and see for yourself how good this fic is. P.S This fiction won a winter award for most improved author me! So read on.

This was edited 2/05/07 or 05/02/07 if you live in america.



Hi im new to the fan fiction world and have been writing for a while and have decided to post my tales on Seribii only. And so it begins

Epilouge
In the beggining Man and Pokemon lived in peace for eons of years but that peace is at an end.... The emperor of Hooen suddenly without warning attacked its neighbours utilizing the powers of their ultimate pokemon the ancient weather types Groudon of the land and Kyogre of the sea. These two titans attacked first the region of Orre. These peacefull people and pokemon were forced to defend their island but failed and fled. Two youngsteres where abanded on the shores of Orre tring to flee to safety but thier journey is not over....
" Aragggghhhh" the titan of sea roared, it raised waves of at least 50ft high and crashed them on the shores it swept away the pair into the malicious ocean the were seperated and began to fall helplessly into the bottom of the ocean.

"Waaaaaaaa" "huhhhhhhhwhoooo" Whoa it was just a dream or was it.

And there you have it my first post if you would like to comment please do i will hac my first chapter up soon.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Why do I get the feeling this was done in the reply box...

Prologue

In the beggining Man and Pokemon lived in peace for eons of years but that peace is at an end. The emperor of Hoenn suddenly without warning attacked its neighbours utilizing the powers of their ultimate pokemon the ancient weather types Groudon of the land and Kyogre of the sea. These two titans attacked first the region of Orre. These peacefull people and pokemon were forced to defend their island but failed and fled. Two youngsters where abanded on the shores of Orre tring to flee to safety but thier journey is not over.

"Aragggghhhh!" the titan of sea roared, it raised waves of at least fifty feet high and crashed them on the shores. it swept away the pair into the malicious ocean the were seperated and began to fall helplessly into the bottom of the ocean.

"Waaaaaaaa!"

"Huhhhhhhhwhoooo!"

Whoa it was just a dream or was it?

Alright, after corecting the most glaring of your errors;

In the beggining Man and Pokemon lived in peace for eons of years but that peace is at an end.

Why is the peace at an end. And do you even understand what Eon means? Because I bet you don't otherwise you wouldn't have used Eons of Years as it makes no sense at all.

The emperor of Hoenn suddenly without warning attacked its neighbours utilizing the powers of their ultimate pokemon the ancient weather types Groudon of the land and Kyogre of the sea.

And just how did he have Groudon and Kyogre at his beck and call?

These two titans attacked first the region of Orre. These peacefull people and pokemon were forced to defend their island but failed and fled.

You had potential but dismissed it. Maybe if you re-worded it a bit and maybe, possibly went into detail that it was Groudon that caused Orre to be a the desert it is now, it could be good back history. But you failed to do that and continued to rush this crappy little two paragraph or so thing.

Two youngsters where abanded on the shores of Orre trying to flee to safety but thier journey is not over.

Why were they abandond? Did their mother and father suddenly decide their own lives were more important than their children?

"Aragggghhhh!" the titan of sea roared, it raised waves of at least fifty feet high and crashed them on the shores.

How did it raise the water to a near Tsunami height? Why did it scream like some old man dying?

It swept away the pair into the malicious ocean the were seperated and began to fall helplessly into the bottom of the ocean.

How did the duo survive as a wave fifty feet high slammed into them and swept them out into the ocean, and as you say, dragged them down to the depths?

Overall this is rushed, tacky and not even the fourth or eighth best thing I've seen. Hell, doubt it'd make the list. I suggest you go read the Advice For Aspiring Authors sticky, and the Rules one too. Because buddy, you really need help.

 

[Beyonder]

Well i thank you for the help this is just a test run im improving thankyou

 

[Xiang]

A good idea would be to read some really popular five star or four star fics to see what people expect of you.

Epilouge
In the beggining Man and Pokemon lived in peace for eons of years but that peace is at an end.... The emperor of Hooen suddenly without warning attacked its neighbours utilizing the powers of their ultimate pokemon the ancient weather types Groudon of the land and Kyogre of the sea. These two titans attacked first the region of Orre. These peacefull people and pokemon were forced to defend their island but failed and fled. Two youngsteres where abanded on the shores of Orre tring to flee to safety but thier journey is not over....
" Aragggghhhh" the titan of sea roared, it raised waves of at least 50ft high and crashed them on the shores it swept away the pair into the malicious ocean the were seperated and began to fall helplessly into the bottom of the ocean.

"Waaaaaaaa" "huhhhhhhhwhoooo" Whoa it was just a dream or was it.

Here's an example of better quality for part of the prologue

Prologue

In the beginning, Man and Pokemon lived for eons of years. The peace abruptly came to an end when the Emperor of Hoenn

I'm not going to retype everything, but already I had to correct some things. (The above is copyright Ratiasu)

It needs to be longer, have more description, spellchecked and grammarchecked, and have more effort shoved into it.

 

[Beyonder]

I wish to thankyou reneagade for pointing out the errors
Epiloge V2
Man and pokemon have lived together for thousound of years in peace and harmony the 4 main regions of the world were Kanto, Jhoto, Hooen and Orre and in each region there were guardian pokemon who protected the regions though in the times of peace they were worshiped rather than the protectors but the guardians would only obey the leaders of each region.
The leader of Hooen desired power and the power he had corrupted him far beyond the control of the human mind he then ordered Hooens gaurdian pokemon Groudon of the land and Kyogre of the sea to attack Orre. Orres gaurdians Latios and Latias fought as hard as they could but fell to the overwhelming power of the two titans and were captured and brought back to Hooen as a trophy but thru the good hearts of a few people were set free.
As the battle of Orre was bringging to a close the two titans were stopped not a soul knows how but the consequences were that the gaurdians of each region fled to diferent parts of the world in fear of what they might be forced to do. The emperor also dissapeared and none had seen him since since that day man has caused a drift between themselves and thier pokemon but that was 1000 years ago and not too many people know the story but I do.

 

[Beyonder]

Thank you for the continuing help but please stop making fun of my writting im new

 

[Beyonder]

Thankyou too Raitasu

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Wow. You take really crushing crit really well. Good on you! Some people just get angry and give up. I admire your perseverence.

On the topic of your writing, I suggest you run everything through a Spellchecker before posting. Those pick up not only on spelling errors, but on grammar as well (at least the one on Word does).

Another point - don't use numbers in place of words. (eg: write 'four', not '4'). It just looks more professional and as if you put more effort in if you write the words out.

As to flow, I'd try reading what you've written to yourself out loud - if you stumble, think about why. If the phrasing sounds awkward, work on the sentence until it rolls smoothly off your tongue. Punctuation helps here - it's intended to show the natural rests and pulse of text.

My suggestions - follow the advice you've been given in this and other reviews and redo the Prologue again. (Sorry! I know what a pain redoing stuff can be.) It IS a struggle, but if you fix what the readers first see when they click onto the thread, you have a better chance of them keeping on reading.

Anyway, good luck and have fun! Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Xiang]

Isn't supposed to be a Prologue? An Epilogue is after the ending. A Prologue is the beginning. And please don't post more than once in a row, it's against the rules.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Yes it is supposed to be Prologue, as Prologue is before the story/introduction. Epilogue is after the story/update.

You still typoed, rushed and left the prologue lacking, Beyonder. If you keep it up you're going to end up with a closed thread for failing to put effort into trying to improve your writing. Just because you want to go at it half assed doesn't mean you should.

 

[Beyonder]

I would like to thank Piney Raitasu and Renagade for their Umm help I am writing my first chapter now I hope you enjoy

Vs Pidgey
"That dream, the dream of the sea the images are so vivid it seems so real but it cant be right?" Well anyway my name is Liam I am a boy aged fourteen I suffer with a rare condition called chrono ackorest a disease of the heart and as of such not as strong as most teenagers of my age. I live in Phenac city its changed a lot since five years ago wild pokemon have flourished in the area and Professor Oak set up a lab here and studies here, he is a close friend of my father who sadly passed away five years ago after suffering fatal injuries on a pokemon expedition in the Hooen region but he still visits. My life changed one day I am telling you this now I have some time left over.

"Whoa Owwww" I hit my head sharply against the corner of my room which lay directly above. Still groggy from my sleep the vibrant images of my dream, the colour the light and the shadows, still anchored in my mind. "Honey come down for breakfast,” My mother said through the half hollow floor of my room it was because our kitchen lay beneath my own room. Then my mind suddenly flashed Its my birthday I am 14 today the twenty fourth of May it is my day today. I flew around my room to get ready and dressed but told myself to slow down after all my condition could worsen at any time if I over exerted myself. I quickly put on my dark blue shirt with red stripes down the arms, my black pants with the Orre region crest a poke ball with a delta symbol in the background finally pulling on my socks and my white trainers I headed downstairs.

I remember this day my family wasn’t rich my Mom worked at the pokemon centre as a pokemon therapist it wasn’t a well paying job but she liked it I often helped her what she did was help heal a pokemon's heart after they were abandoned. When I got downstairs she wished me a happy birthday and presented to me two small gifts the first one I opened was " O wow its a Pokemon Terminal Transmitter" this was a upgraded version of the pokenav it stored numbers of trainers contact numbers there current whereabouts and their trainer rank. I thanked my mother over and over and turned two my second present it was even smaller but as I carefully unwrapped it bit by bit I realised it was a " Oh my god its a coliseum battle license does this mean" I asked, hoping to hear the words I been desperate to hear for four years.
"Yes you can participate in the tournaments held across Orre if you want, oh yes and Professor Oak called he wants you to go down to his lab right away"

I was so hyped up at the thought of finally becoming a trainer I was not allowed to be one at the age of ten because of my condition but now finally I was accepted I grabbed my bag and headed out the door as fast as I could.
I had only been running for a few minutes when a tearing pain in my heart erupted I had to take a break so I sat down next to the Phenc alter.

The Phenac alter is a memorial to those that lost their lives in 'the great disaster' my father taught me that two titan pokemon had been ordered to destroy Orre but had been stopped by some mysterious force that was the great disaster or so I am told.

I snapped my head out of the clouds and carried on after five minutes of constant walking I reached Oaks lab I knocked on the door "Ill be there in a second" and then a few seconds later "Arggg owww someone help!!!!" Oak sounded panic stricken. I tried to open the door but nothing would work the screams became louder. I franticly searched for a way and then something caught my eye in a puddle a reflection of an open window I looked around at the lab and saw the window I climbed as best as I could up to the window and after ten seconds or so got through the lab was in a mess I saw Oak running away from a pidgey I wondered why doesn't he defeat it.

I looked around the lab for something to help me and I found what I was looking for three pokeballs on the table through the transparent top area I saw A Squirtle, Chicorreta and a Torchic I was about to make a run for one when the Pidgey flew in and knocked the balls of the table the transparent tops became opaque but I needed to pick one I picked up one of the balls and threw it out popped Squirtle the look on its face was single minded determination "Squirtle attack the pidgey with bubble" I yelled. The tinyturtle jumped in front of Oak and unleashed a flurry of bubbles witch hit Pidgey square in the face almost fainting it I didn't want to hurt it any further so I picked up an empty pokeball and aimed threw and in a burst of light captured the Pidgey.


And there you have it my first proper chapter I am still learning so please don’t keep on saying I am rubbish thank you though for your support

 

[Xiang]

I would like to thank Piney, Raitasu, and Renagade for their, Umm, help. I am writing my first chapter now. I hope you enjoy

Vs Pidgey
"That dream, the dream of the sea the images are so vivid it seems so real but it can't be right?" Well anyway my name is Liam. I am a boy, age fourteen. I from with a rare condition called chrono ackorest, a disease of the heart, and as of such not as strong as most teenagers of my age. I live in Phenac City. It's changed a lot since five years ago. Wild pokemon have flourished in the area and Professor Oak set up a lab here and studies here. He is a close friend of my father who sadly passed away five years ago after suffering fatal injuries on a pokemon expedition in the Hoenn region, but he still visits. My life changed one day. I am telling you this now. I have some time left over.

"Whoa, owwww." I hit my head sharply against the corner of my room which lay directly above. Still groggy from my sleep the vibrant images of my dream, the colour the light and the shadows, still anchored in my mind. "Honey, come down for breakfast,” my mother said through the half hollow floor of my room. It was because our kitchen lay beneath my own room.

What you should be most concerned about is SEPARATING YOUR SENTENCES CORRECTLY. A FULL SENTENCE CONSISTS OF A SUBJECT AND SOMETHING ABOUT IT. For example,

Still groggy from my sleep the vibrant images of my dream, the colour the light and the shadows, still anchored in my mind.

What's the subject here? You should add "I was" at the beginning of this sentence.

Sometimes you leave out periods and commas where THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

I would like to edit the chapters for you before you post them. As in, email or PM them to me and I'll go over them. Then I'll send the edited version back. It'll help you and it'll give me something to do. ;/

 

[Beyonder]

Raitasu thankyou for the offer and I will do that as soon as i find out how to PM and i promise to credit you and any others that help at the end of each chapter.

 

[Xiang]

First, it's R-A-T-I-A-S-U.

OK, to PM somebody, you click on their username and you get a list of actions. Click 'send a private message to Ratiasu' (or whoever) and you get to a new page. Then you give the PM a title, and put your version in the chapter in. I take time to revise and edit it, and I send it back. Then you copy and paste it and post it up.

 

[Articunomew]

Hmm, interesting.
A little advice: Commas are your friend. They can help break up the sentences, and prevent a sentence from going on and on. Also, if you aren't sure about how to spell a word, look it up. For example, Chikorita. Try the Pokedexes on here, they can really help.
You might not notice this either, but I can see you're getting your sentences, uh, how can I put this? Muddled. They sound like you're gonna say something, but then it changes.

On the other hand, great. An interesting fic, one that promises to be original. And I know it might seem like everybody is critisizing you at first, but do't give up. Most of us just want to help you go to the best of your abilities, ok?

C ya!

 

[Beyonder]

The next chapter

Sorry for the delay but I have been busy here is my second chapter enjoy
Vs Sunkern
The Pidgey was trapped inside the pokeball. The pokeball seemed to flutter with its disapproval.

I asked the professor, "why did you not battle the Pidgey?"

"I did not have a single pokemon on my belt at the time. They are all resting outside the back of the lab. Anyway I have called you here today to give you a starter pokemon, so you can compete in the tournaments being held around around the Orre region. Trainers chase the dream of the winning and the fame, but just pick from Chicoreta, Torchic, and Squirtle. Oh, then I’ll take Squirtle back now."

Oak took the pokeball gently away and recalled the blue turtle Pokemon to it, and after picking up all three starters from the floor he placed them on the table.

"Alright, now choose the Pokemon that will travel with Pidgey and you."

I eyed the Torchic I'd seen in action many times. Their powerful techniques and speed impressed me.

Then I looked at the Chikorita. Its beauty and spirit made me want to fly like I had wings.

Then I looked at the squirtle, a pokemon that had no extraordinary power and certainly nothing too beautiful about it, so I looked away, and after about five minutes, I picked up the choice of Chikorita and was about to release it when-

"Sqqquuuiiirrtle!!" Squirtle had burst forth from its pokeball and dashed into me, knocking Chikorita's pokeball out of my hand and clinged onto me for dear life.

Professor Oak sighed. "That Squirtle has been here for ages, and no one has picked him, he seems really attached to you, but it's your decision. Come on squirtle, come back into your ball..."

The squirtles eyes filled up with disappointed tears and held on tighter to the trainer in its hope of being chosen for once.

"I’m sorry, Squirtle but..."

He carried on to crying and for a split second I could feel his sadness. I looked at his pitiful tears and listen to his wailing sobs and gave in."Ok, you win. Oak, I'll take Squirtle."

Oak seemed overcome with emotion as his face displayed pure joy, and he shouted, "thank you Liam! See, Squirtle I told you he was a terrific trainer! I knew he would pass the test!"

I was totally bewildered. "What test?" I could feel my heart racing and the instant I felt it I fell down in pain.

"Liam I set you up to see if you really would make a top notch trainer and I promised Squirtle that I would find a trainer for it so that Pidgey which is mine, but now yours, attacked the lab and when you picked up the pokeball squirtle would just happen to be the Pokemon in there!"

I gaped in awe but then laughed, but it wasn’t my happiness that gave me the laughter, it was Squirtle's happy state made me happy as well.

"Well I guess I'm stuck with you now, eh?" We all laughed well except me due to the fact that my heart began to hurt.

After Oak registered me as an official trainer, Squirtle, Pidgey, and I decided to head for home and train. After all, the next beginner tournament was in just three days. As I headed home Oak shouted, "Happy Birthday!"

When I had finally got home I released Squirtle and Pidgey from their pokeballs. I decided we would start with some basic training for now. I asked Pidgey to practice her gust attack on some leaves in the back yard and asked squirtle to practice his bubble attack with the wind. I watched Pidgey flap her wings to magically stir up the leaves and Squirtle shoot bubbles from his mouth that sailed high into the air with the breeze. After half an hour of training and some mess ups I decided to call it a day.

Outside Oaks lab a black van was relaying a message back to its base. “Boss, project three ex FPS released.”

But outside in the midst of the darkness a tiny seed pokemon hopped into the back of Oaks lab.

That next morning...

“Honey, breakfast!” my mother shouted. Yet still groggy, I woke up, lifted my heavy head up, and-

“Owwwwwww!!!” Not again! I swore to myself that I was getting rid of that roof somehow. I got dressed picked up my bag, poke belt, PTT and my tournament licence as I walked slowly downstairs.

My mother thrust into my hand five pokeballs, and began to cry. She hugged and wished me luck. I knew she was trying to get rid of me quickly, so her mind wouldn’t change about me being a trainer. I ended up missing breakfast. My mother is such a caring person, and even more since father died I promised myself I’d come back to see her to make her wish come true, and her wish was to see the Kanto region again. She originated there, but both the families were poor and couldn’t see each other, they hadn’t seen each other in ten years.

As I began to walk to Oak's lab to say good-bye. All of a sudden, I heard an ear piercing scream it was coming from Oak's lab. I noticed the door was open, so I rushed towards it. As I got in the lab, it was a wreck again but this time it was a tiny sunkern casting Razor Leaf all over the place. I took a look over at Oak and was horrified. He looked badly torn up and was bleeding quite a lot!

I demanded the Sunkern to stop, but it then turned on me and shot razor-sharp leaves directly at me.

Luckily Squirtle popped out and took the hit but fainted in the process. Sunkern didn’t look happy at all it kept on trying to slice me with its leaves, but I released Pidgey to battle.

Pidgey flew high in the air and used stirred up a gust in the lab. It was a direct hit!

Sunkern was blown to the other side of the lab. Then Sunkern started to glow as it then shot out a hail of leaves as well as a solar beam or what looked like a solar beam directly at Pidgey. The attack was so powerful but it stopped in mid air as Sunkern had fainted. I was shocked but before I knew what was happening Oak had regained consciousness and threw a Pokeball at the Sunkern weakly.

I hope you like it and can edit it thankyou Ratiasy
Too all that read this Ratiasu edited this to help me this is a joint effort thank you for reading.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Wow, major improvement in the punctuation deparment! I can actually read this easily now! ...Ratiasu's work? Well, great work to te both of you!

Nice use of UU pokemon. It's not often Sunkern has a time to shine. And realistic, too, how the Grass>Water type advantage knocked Squirtle out first shot.

There's about two larger issues I have with the fic so far. First, there's not a lot of personality coming through from the characters - particularly the pokemon ones. I'd like to see a bit more interaction between the humans and the pokemon. Y'know. Let's see some behaviour/personality quirks - those things are a lot more evident when characters are in contact with each other.

Secondly, Liam's 'condition' seems to be brandished rather awkwardly at every opportunity.Yah, he's got an illness, and yah, it interfere's with a lot of his life, but at the moment, you seem to be labouring the point a little. I'd suggest just easing up on the references and when you do put them in, try not to use them to make your character look restricted and tragic. Obviously, the 'condition' is going affect him and the way he lives his life, but don't be melodramatic about it.

Apart from that, this fic is going well. It's great to see Oak finally get a more 'active' role. So often, you just see him standing around pokemon and doing nothing else - a cardboard cut out with an automated arm and pre-programmed voice box could do the job. But you've made him into quite a character. Refreshing muchly!

So overall, great work. And many thanks to Ratiasu for making it readable! Is largely improved over previous chapters. Slick work to the both of you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Beyonder]

the third chapter

I am very sorry I have been delayed I’ve been in hospital over the weeks for my appendicitis I am picking up where I left off.

VS Whismour

The Sunkern had stopped struggling inside the Pokeball. As myself and Oak had walked over to the Sunkern I nervously asked Oak a few questions

“What on earth was that attack? That can’t be any regular Sunkern can it?” he looked at me wide eyed in shock he began to mumble I could only make out some of his words “…no it can’t be not again…I need to make sure …if this is true then…” he was interrupted as a sonic scream pierced the room shattering windows pc screens sending glass flying everywhere. If hadn’t been for the Kadabra Oak had been carrying and had it not been for it using Barrier we probably would have been cut to ribbons.

As the wailing died down we saw that a lone Whismour was standing in the Lab staring at us. Then a voice came out of nowhere

“Well done Whismour now I suppose their dead because of the glass shots…” Then a girl no older than myself slid down a rope attached to the ceiling witched rolled down from the skylight to the floor.

I distinctly remember the clothes she was wearing, she wore a red jacket with a black top underneath her pants were red striped with black but her most distinctive feature was her scarlet eyes they were fiery the complete opposite to my watery blue.

“What they are alive! No matter we can deal with them now. Whismour redeem yourself, use Supersonic on these pests!” Whismour stood to attention opened its wide mouth and began emitting sonic waves piercing the silence and bringing Oak and myself to our knees.

After maybe ten seconds the screeching stopped and the girl began to speak

“Now to business. Oak please tell me where the G/K.So.tracker is or I don’t think you would like to have the death of your friend on your conscience.” She began to walk over with her Whismour smiling as if she had already won.

I finally found my voice and bravery “Pidgey attack quickly, use Sand attack!” I launched Pidgey’s Pokeball into the air and in a second Pidgey had begun to stir up a gust picking up bits of dust creating a perfect getaway for myself and Oak under its cloudy veil.

I felt a huge tug on my arm and I could feel myself being pulled away, I didn’t have time to recall Pidgey as I was pulled out of the main area of the lab trough its doors and into the back area.

“Quick Liam hand me your PTT QUICKLY!” Oak snapped at me he was frantic but I did as I was told.

I fumbled through my backpack trying to find it I was sweating I was terrified, I was worried about Pidgey what if something happened to her and why did Oak not use his Kadabra? I finally found it I held it up but no sooner Oak had snatched it out of my hand. He opened the back of it and began to place something in the back I couldn’t see what it was but he had closed it and given it back to me.

“Liam please give me Squirtle.” I instantly handed him Squirtle and found out why he hadn’t used his Kadabra.
“Kadabra transfer your energy to Squirtle please.” Kadabra began to glow and so did Squirtle’s Pokeball then Kadabra fainted out of exhaustion.

“I need to get to Agate village quickly I need you to beat her oh and take Sunkern protect it with your life ok in off, your present from yesterday is in the draw in sorry I can not give it to you on this occasion bye and be careful.” He then bolted out of the door leaving me to deal with our guest.

I steeped into the front of the lab and looked around Pidgey was lying on the floor fainted helpless.

“Finish it permanently Whismour. Use Hyper Voice.” The Whismour unquestionably obeyed it opened its mouth once more and attacked with sonic waves.

The waves missed Pidgey by inches as I had recalled her in the nick of time.

“Oh the coward returns and look the little boy is a trainer. Aww being beat up by a nasty girl, hahahahahahahah.” she cackled if I didn’t know better I thought she was a witch.

“Squirtle attack Whismour with water gun.” Squirtle popped out of it’s ball and went for the attack “Wait no what are you doing use water gun not tackle. Noooooooo!!!” Squirtle had charged up to Whismour hoping to knock it off it’s feet but Whismour had countered it using Hyper Voice sending Squirtle sailing across the lab.

“What was that? Oh my god that was training at its worst your pokemon don’t even listen to you, this will be easy. Whismour walk over there and crack that Squirtle’s shell open.” The Whismour casually began to walk over.

I rushed over to Squirtle “Pease Squirtle you have to listen to me, please listen to me” but Squirtle began to walk over to the Whismour determined to fight his own way.

“Now Whismour finish it with Hyper Voice!!” The Whismour for the final time opened its mouth wide preparing for it’s final attack.

“Please Squirtle” I began to cry “Please use sniff Water Gun please Squirtle” I closed my eyes not wanting to see what happened.
Then surprisingly I heard “Whis whis whis.” I opened my eyes in time to see Whismour flying out the door after hitting a table sending Pokeballs everywhere and seeing the expression on the girls face shocked in horror.Squirtle was standing there proud he had pulled off the water gun sending Whismour out the door.

“Arrgh this isn’t over not by a long shot.” She bolted as fast as Oak out of the front door and vanished. I turned to Squirtle

“Well Squirtle we won our first battle eh. I bet I’m going to have trouble with you.” I smiled and Squirtle gave me a happy but mischievous look.

As I looked over the wrecked lab nothing seemed to be missing. The draw which Oak had said my present was in was in tact. I opened it in a package was a letter it was written by my father.

Dearest Son
If you are reading this then I am not alive. I want to let you know that you and your Mother are the most important people to me in this world. I have entrusted this to my friend Professor Oak he is to give you this on your fourteenth birthday it is an important heirloom to our family and is now rightfully yours

P.S I hope you do well raising Pokemon I hope you do become a trainer

I looked down into the box and pulled out a necklace it was a beautiful blue necklace and at its base was a Blue Orb encrusted gold around it weaving around it like a web. Hot salty tears rolled down my face. I had to put it behind me I put on the necklace on and began to check the lab for things that may have been stolen. I scanned and checked and to my great sadness one thing had been stolen.

Meanwhile outside Oaks lab at Phenac Pokemon centre

“Well I don’t know how I got this but I’m not complaining” The mysterious girl held up a Pokeball containing the starter Torchic.
And there you have it my third chapter this is solely my own work I have used the names of attacks because I think it is a vital part of Pokemon I hope you have enjoyed reading.

I am very sorry it is late but ive been in hospital thankyou and please reply.

 

[Dilasc]

What's with your spelling? You spell lots of Pokemon's names wrong. That's the first thing that stood out in my head. Anyway, you should really go read a few more fics before you write your next chapter. Trust me, it helps a lot. If you need a direction towards some good stories, I could help you out in selecting some good ones, but you're better off finding them on your own.

Anyway, you forget some punctuation. After a quote, you must use a comma if it is not the end of the sentence. There are other errors too, but I'll let others point them out.

Again, please, GO READ SOME STORIES, and review them too. More importantly, learn from what you read. The styles and way they write can be very helpful to your writing experiences.

 

[Beyonder]

Thankyou for your constructive comments I will do my next chapter soon using your guide lines it wouldnt have hurt to put in some good points too.