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The Beginning of Dedication One-Shot PG-12

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Shadow Lucario, Feb 2, 2010.

  1. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Well-Known Member

    Hey there. Shadow Lucario here. What I am posting is a prequel to my fan fiction Pokemon Academy: Dedication Through Light and Darkness. You do not need to read any of my fan fiction to understand this. If you wish to read my fan fiction after this then I have no problem with that :) Enjoi!

    The Beginning of Dedication

    “You killed her! Aeolus, you killed her!”

    The quiet port town of Olivine was usually calm, but the air was broken by the screams of the people who entered the Olivine Gym. A young man of around eighteen stood over the body of a woman, blood splattered on the left side of his face. His slicked back white hair had few splotches of blood in it, staining it pink. Two people had entered behind him, one with black hair and the other with blonde hair. They each wore a different colored blazer. The one with the blonde hair had a green one while the other two wore blue.

    “Why did you do it?” the blonde asked.

    “Her sacrifice was needed,” said Aeolus as he turned his head. “She attacked and I was defending myself.”

    “You didn’t have to kill her!” the black haired boy screamed at him. “Jasmine never deserved this! You could have just restrained her and called for someone!”

    Aeolus began to laugh, his bone chilling laughter filling the Gym. As he moved the other two moved into a position to defend themselves. Aeolus had started to walk towards them, an evil smile placed on his face. He stopped as he reached the other two boys.

    “Dimitrios,” Aeolus said to the black haired boy, “come with me. If you join me then we will be the strongest duo in all of Johto.”

    “I-I-I can’t,” Dimitrios said, his face showing he was in a form of pain. “I have to turn you into the cops.”

    “You wouldn’t turn your best friend into the cops now will you?” Aeolus asked his smile even wider.

    Dimitrios’s head dropped, his teeth clenched. Aeolus took another step towards the door, a confident look on his face. The blonde jumped at Aeolus while letting out a load roar.

    “Ioannis,” Dimitrios screamed, “no!”

    Dimitrios tried to stop his friend, but it was over before he could blink. In a matter of seconds Ioannis was lying limp on the floor, his body not moving at all. His neck had been snapped, evident by his chin touching the middle of his chest. His blonde hair hung in front of his face, his green eyes wide open.

    “Ioannis,” Dimitrios said quietly, kneeling beside his friend. He began to pound the ground, tears starting to stream down his face. “Aeolus what’s wrong with you?! What have you done to my best friend?”

    “I have learned of something that can benefit me in my goal,” Aeolus said, no emotion showing. “If anyone gets in my way they will be brought to the light! Even if I have to purge the entire world of the vermin that try to stop me I will accomplish my goal! Join me in the light!”

    “Aeolus, you are blinded by the light!” Dimitrios said, clutching his legs, tears still pouring out his face. “This isn’t you!”

    Aeolus looked down onto Dimitrios, giving him a disgusted look. Kicking him off, Aeolus walked out the door, not looking back on his friend. Dimitrios fell to his arms, a frustrated look appearing. He began to punch the ground again.

    “If you’re staying in the light the only way I can take you down is from the darkness!”

    Looking up at the door, Dimitrios’s eyes flashed red. Outside, Aeolus shed his blue blazer, replacing it with a white robe. The sky was a dark blue, millions of stars dotting it. The street lights of Olivine had been on even though the streets were empty. Aeolus strode down the street, looking up into the sky. Emerging from an alley, a man, also dressed in a white robe, approached Aeolus.

    “Lucent Aeolus,” said the man, “I’m glad you decided to meet me on such short notice. With you by my side we will destroy that pesky Black Organization and bring the entire world into the light! Our ancestors would be proud.”

    “I also have a goal in mind,” Aeolus said with a smirk.

    “What is that?” asked the man as he twisted his moustache.

    In a flash, a knife appeared out of Aeolus’s sleeve. Before he could defend himself, Aeolus had plunged the knife into his heart. The man fell backwards, the shocked expression remaining on his face, even in death.

    “First goal: Become the Team Lustrous leader,” Aeolus spoke aloud, pulling the knife out of his chest. “Second goal: Continue what my father started and find the secret of immortality. Third and final goal: Exterminate the human race. No hard feelings right Aeneas?”

    With a twisted laugh, Aeolus searched Aeneas’s pockets, pulling out a small red and white sphere. Enlarging it, he tossed it into the air. A mechanical like creature emerged from a brilliant white light. The four legs it possessed had three spikes on the bottom. Sparkles flew off the creature’s silver exterior, the golden X on the front of its face shining. Its red eyes looked from the dead man to Aeolus.

    “He had a shiny Metagross this entire time.” Aeolus said in amazement. He looked into Metagross’s eyes, his going from blue to white. “You are my Pokémon now and always have been. You will follow all my orders without question.”

    Metagross simply nodded, its eyes also changing to white. Slowly walking beside its new master, Metagross’s legs retracted into its body as it began to float. Aeolus hopped on top of him, stashing the Pokéball into his own pocket.

    “Now it’s time to greet my new underlings,” said Aeolus, another smirk appearing on his face.

    As he took off, a pair of red eyes watched him from the shadow. Dimitrios jumped out, watching as his best friend took off into the night sirens blaring in the distance.

    “I’ll find you again Aeolus,” Dimitrios said. “I will find you and bring you back out of the light, even if it means killing you!”
  2. Shadow XD001

    Shadow XD001 Silver Soul

    That was great! I'm really confused at which of the teams is now good, but I'll say the Black Organization.Aelous killed the leader of team Lustrous and that's how he became leader?! Horrible.

    Anyway, that was really good and I hope Jyharri and the others soon learn about this!
  3. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    Forgive me for being harsh, but a fair and honest review is in order:

    I like the premise, a One-Shot Prequel was a good idea; and the underlying theme, the struggle between the Black Organization and Team Luminous, but the execution was rather poor.

    First, it was horribly short. To explain something as in depth and intricate as the struggle between Aeolus and Dimitrios, you would need something longer. With the shortness came a severe lacking in description. You really need to describe your surroundings, immerse your reader in the setting instead of simply telling him whats going on.

    Second, the description you had, was listy. An example:

    You squished what could have been a page of writing into a paragraph. Break up description with dialogue or thoughts, if you're going to cram it, you need to brush on on your imagery.

    Thirdly, it was cliched. I mean there was no depth to it, we just had: "Hey Dimitrios, I killed Jasmine" "Why?" "I don't feel like explaining." "OMG YOU KILLED HER! I SWEAR REVENGE!" "Okay now I'm Lumious Leader." You could have really expanded the plot, made it in depth. Could Aeolus and Dimitrios have been brothers and Jasmine their sister or cousin? Could Team Luminous/the Black Organization have once been noble religions, dedicated to worship of their respective entities? Could Aeolus have reformed it to become a radical, jihadist sect? You see, the possibilities are endless.

    Again good premise...poor execution though. Just some stuff to work on, no worries.
  4. Air Dragon

    Air Dragon Ha, ha... not.

    Hate to sound repetitive, so i'll just second all that Manaphyman said. He's hit the nail on the hea exactly on both your description, attention to detail and length. For a prequel that's suppose to explain the relationshipbetween two people, it doesn't explain too much too well...

    You have to slow down on your writing, just a bit. No one expects you to pull chapters or one-shots out of nothing like a machine, and if they do, then they can't be true fans of your work.

    I know you can do loads better if you just relax and expound more on what happens. Remember: Show, not Tell.

    You also left us guessing quite a bit. Was Aeneas Aeolus' dad? and why did the Metagross obey Aeolus without question? Just who is Jasmine to Dimitrios and Aeolus? And if Ionneas is Dimitrios's best friend, why does he call Aeolus the same? aHow far back does Aeolus and Dimitrios' friendship go and where did it lead them together?

    See? So many questions, so little answers. I did a one-shot some time back and i fell into similar plot holes, so hopefully this will be advice well taken.


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