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The Beta House: Redux

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FireTrainer92

The Point of Origin
Story title:Renegade Ranger
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary:A boy gets fired from the ranger union to find out that there's a group of renegade rangers.
Genre:Action, Drama
Rating:pG-13
Mentor needed: To see what my flaws are and to help work on them
Prior writing experience:None
Preferred Mentor:EmberGryphon
Writing sample :You know you can’t own pokemon. It’s out of its habitat,” Spenser stated firmly.

Feeling myself grow even more defensive, I protested, “I’ve had this pokemon since I was eleven!”

“So you’ll have to release it!” he reinforced

“NO!” I was outraged at the prospect of giving up my first pokemon.

“Then you’re fired!”

“WHAT!” I shouted. But it was too late. Spenser left the room and there was nothing more I could say.
 
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mysteriousfossil

A bigger boat? Yes.
Story Title: Wrath of Arceus
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot Summary: Ash, Misty, and Brock are visiting the Sevii Islands on vacation when trouble with a Pokenapper who craves world control stealing the island inhabitants Pokemon.
Genre: Action, Romance(some)
Rating: PG
Mentor Needed: Someone to help me with my writing because of some disadvantages that i have.
Prior Writing Experience: I like to write when i get inspiration but other than that none.
Writing Sample:
Two kids entered the lonely marshlands ready for battle. They drew out their pokeballs and began.

The battle raged and one winner was clear when something happened. A huge wave began to form in the marsh and crashed down.

The kids got separated from their Pokemon and when the water lowered only the two kids were left.

A lone figure in the distance could be seen as a man riding on some sort of horse like Pokemon. The kids haven't seen their Pokemon since.
 
I'm gonna go on the safe side and apply for a beta.

Story title: A Stone Thrown (tentative title)
Fandom (preferably Pokémon): Pokémon
Plot summary: A mid-apocalyptic story of the subjects of the new guardian of Iron Island. Origins are explained (not everyone’s) and changes are made (not always pleasant) and the world ends (not so melodramatically). [Character-focused]
Genre: Adventure.
Rating: Worst-case would be PG-13 for language and violence.
Mentor needed: Not entirely sure. Comprehensive would probably be best, but Languge, Fluency and possibly Character would be the immediate concerns.
Prior writing experience: Very poor attempt at a chaptered Soul Calibur II fanfic (quality was poor for the reasons of my being an utter beginner and my having chosen a very poor topic to start writing fanfiction of), a single one-shot posted here in 2005, and several Creative Writing pieces of varying quality.
Preferred mentor (optional): No preference, but j_hunter seems to be available.
Writing sample (optional, but expected):
Roxanne was thinking. She couldn’t help it.

She’d met most of the people on the island in the last couple of weeks; there were, mercifully, few enough of them that solitude would be easy to achieve when she felt like it. Alice was largely responsible for making her feel like it, she had discovered. The girl seemed to genuinely want to help, but the problem with that is that if someone decides that they’re going to help you, they don’t generally stop to ask for permission first.

She had chosen the dock for a handful of reasons: Egon tended to avoid the place, Matt had exhausted all possible ventures to undertake on the beach long before she’d arrived, Bree and Chad had the good sense to leave her alone after her simple statement that she wanted to think, and, if worse came to worst, she could always fetch the oar and wave it around wildly without looking until Alice’s aversion of being smacked upside the head overcame her overbearing need to help, or, failing that, she could paddle offshore a bit and wait out the onslaught.

Roxanne had come here for her health, mostly. She allowed herself a bitter chuckle at that thought. This place, healthy? There was an unpleasant odor to the place and the less said about the water, the better. Suffice to say, the sights and smells of hundreds of drowned creatures do nothing to attract a crowd, at least not the sort that believe a body’s place is in the pinebox.

It was, she admitted, getting better. The relatively bland landscape of rocks and bigger rocks was a far cry from the sights and sounds of the Sky Pillar, to be sure, but it made the occasional trips into town all the more pleasant by comparison.

She was snapped out of her reverie by a head popping out of the water in from of her. She sighed. If ever there was anyone in serious need of a subtlety transplant, she would be quite surprised if it wasn’t Chad. The boy had the complexity of mind one might find in a freight train.

“What is it?”

“Incoming Alice, ee-tee-ay twenty seconds. Ready the oar.”
 

purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Ugh, sorry for the delay, folks. >.< Job stuff. Nyah.

FireTrainer92 and mysteriousfossil, I've put both of you on the list as needing comprehensive mentors, but I've also sent you each a PM about your applications; they need to be fixed up a bit.

Wondrous Sableye, you've been added too; feel free to PM a mentor if you had someone in mind. ^^ Good luck.

Also, to the mentors, I'm gonna be sending out a nudge via PM, because we don't seem to be having much action even though there are a few mentors/mentorees available.
 
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*raise hand* I'm in need of a mentor! >_<

Story title: +Metamorphosis+
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon!
Plot summary:A girl with the ability to Morph into any Pokemon she like. Upon meeting a Pokemon trainer, she got captured! Now she's traveling as a Ninetales, hoping to confront (maybe more like running away from?) figures from her past.
Genre: Adventure/ romance/humor ^_^
Rating: PG-13
Mentor needed: In the grammar and mechanic section. I would love some help on story flow and plot developing too!
Prior writing experience: Uh....none? This would be my first Pokemon fic? I did do some recreational writing and other fanfics, but nothing much.
Preferred mentor (optional): Anyone who would love to help!
Writing sample (optional, but expected):

Gently, I slipped down the oak tree I used as my temporary home for the night. The smell of morning dew mixed with the scent of a waking forest filled my lung. Faraway, I could hear the last hoot of a Noctowl before he slumbers.

I ran a hand through my strawberry-blond hair, hoping to look formidably groomed. A simple white dress hung loosely on my body, serving no other purpose than to cover some private parts. I felt the moss releasing its moisture as I stepped on the forest ground with my bare feet.

I started to walk with my two legs. I despise human legs; they were considerably slower than some of the Pokemon. I felt the urge to Morph, but I knew if I Morph on an empty stomach, I would surely find myself waking up to a setting sun wondering where had the day gone.

I joined the breakfast table with some Zigzagoons. They were happily chomping on some Pecha berries and paid no mind of me when I stole some. I popped them in my mouth one by one as I ask a feeding Aipom to knock some Rawst berries of the tree for me. The Aipom looked at me mischievously, and I knew I asked the wrong Pokemon.

I spent the next fifteen minutes dodging flying fruits that I asked to “get down” for me.

After some distance and my white dress dyed in a nice shade of purple, I tempted a Morph despite my protesting stomach. A second later, a sixteen-year-old girl was replaced with a Swellow and a fallen dress.

I rolled my shoulder and stretched my wings, letting the wind blow through the feathers. A growl from my stomach cut my enjoyment short. Food first, before I plummet down from the sky and potentially be someone’s free lunch.
 

pokey

Coral Eye Trainer
Story title: To be announced

Fandom: Pokemon, takes place in Johto

Plot summary: It has been seven years since the law of " You have to be ten to recieve a pokemon' has been moved up to age sixteen. Professor Elm is offering a Totodile, Chikorita and Cyndaquil to the top three students at New Bark High School. Cerulean was not one of these student. She is a straight F sophomore who is looking for an excuse to get out of school. After a fail attempt at stealing Cyndaquil from Prof. Elm, she gathers some pokeballs and heads to Route 30 to catch a pokemon herself.

Genre: Action\Drama
Rating: Pg-13 for the most part,might go above at some points due to language or violence.

Mentor: Language

Fanfic experience: I was twelve at the time of my first fanfic and uh, let's just say I really don't want to go back to it.

Writing sample: Can't find one at the moment....
 

purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Okay, you've both been added to the list--and if you do find a writing sample, you can edit it in later, pokey. ^^ G'luck!
 

dragon_night

Well-Known Member
Ok, I need a mentore...

Story title: Tesseract (Formerly known as POK Erythroid Myeloid ONtogenic: Alakazam, the re-write of the Garuku council)
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon, takes place in a made up world.
Plot summary: Three humans have been taken from their own time (our time and the time of pokemon). They are just three of many. In the land of Garuku they travel, tied by the spirits themselves.
Genre: It kind of has them all. Tragedy, comedy, drama, action, romance.
Rating: Pg14
Mentor needed: Grammar
Prior writing experience: The Garuku council...
Writing sample (optional, but expected):
The fox walked across the red barren waste land, fur camouflaged to it. Small strides led her to an unknown destination. All around was an overwhelming red, fusing with the deep orange sky. The land remained flat in all directions; the only disturbances in it were the few red pebbles and boulders around with large mountains in the far distance. Circular foot prints plagued here and there, all pointing one direction or another, but no knew truly were they lead. A quiet silence was all that could be heard, almost like a dream, any sound made would be echoed. A dusty and gritty smell was dominant everywhere, blasting in through the furnace heat. A sun held its place among the gods, shining brilliantly across the orange and gold sky without a cloud to disturb its light.

The fox continued to walk and walk. Distance was no longer relevant to her; she had walked too far and too long to care. Among her she saw a rock about the size of her body and the color of dead grey. The fox stopped in front of it, looking somberly at the unfortunate creature that had been killed long ago. She shook her small head, repeating the sentence again in her mind. ‘I know what I have to do.’ She walked over and away from the skull, leaving it half buried under the red sand. A small wind erupted from the east. The sand flew low to the ground in waves, and slowly settled down to the west in tides.

She walked and walked, leaving no trace of herself behind, her six tails danced in the wind. Her ruby red eyes reflecting the sun; they calculated everything in sight. In the horizon, the eyes could see a red cloud moved unnaturally. To the front was a white being, leading the cloud. A yellow X could be seen glinting at its front. Four rocky legs moved the quadrivalent rock forward. Three golden claws protruded from each leg. Red blank eyes shot out on each side of the Xs middle. The Vulpix knew them as the blood thirsty eyes. They were eyes that would kill without provocation.

^ From the first chapter of Tesseract
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
I've noticed that I may need a beta. >.>

Even though I don't really write pokemon anymore. Sorries! *runs around*

Story title: ... Can I say... overall? My grammar isn't stellar. If I need a title, then sure, Not So Happily Ever After.
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Ouran High School Host Club (kinda unknown in these parts <_>)
Plot summary: No one knew that the bond of birth connected them so closely together that if one died, the other would follow. They had no one to live for except each other. So they were never separated. They came, and left, and lived not so happily ever after. And then, one upon a time... there lived two Japanese twins named Hitachiin Hikaru and Kaoru...
Genre: Mystery/General, slight tragedy, slight romance, slight humor, little bit of violence and a little bit of everything.
Rating: T, for now.
Mentor needed: Grammar, if possible. Plot organization, specific for this story. (It goes everywhere.)
Prior writing experience: ... Oh, yesh, plenty. I've been writing for a while, been seriously writing for about... *counts* almost two years. Consistently for about a year. (Yesh, that's plenty. >.> At least, it felt like a long time.)
Preferred mentor (optional): Preferably someone who could care to point out what happens in the lives of London-ers. ;3 (Most of the story's set there.)
Writing sample (optional, but expected):

The first part of Not So Happily Ever After; aka, the Prologue-ish 1st chapter.

But they shouldn’t be separated.

Once upon a time, in a city in Europe, there were two Japanese exchange students, both male, both sixteen, both sent to London against their will. Widely known as the “twins,” they had a mischievous streak, for plotting, pranking, and trapping their fellow classmates, and more.

Just ask St. Bartholomew’s Academy- they even had a death under their name. They were untouchable- they watched each other’s backs. They were identical- no one could tell them apart. They were nameless- mysterious, purely enigmas. They were together- always together.

Were, had, known- do you see it? Past tense-

But they wouldn’t be separated-

Not for the first time in history, there was a fire in the second-floor science lab. Not for the last time in history, there was a total of two fatalities, a pair named Hayashi Hitoshi and Katsuri. Some thought it was a relief- that finally they wouldn’t be terrorized by the two anymore. Some thought it was too bad- that they died so young. Some thought that it was good- it’d be good to see their rotting corpses in hell.

But no one thought that it was strange that one went after the other- that one knew exactly where the other was. No one knew that the bond of birth connected them so closely together that if one died, the other would follow.

They had no one to live for except each other.

They couldn’t be separated-

And that’s what killed them.

So they were never separated.

They came, and left, and lived not so happily ever after.

And then-

Once upon a time, in a city in Japan, there were two Japanese twins named Hitachiin Hikaru and Kaoru…

The Hitachiin twins were perfectly normal twins, as they liked to convince people repeatedly. Apparently, perfectly normal included the habit of mocking people, mirroring each other, speaking in sync, and annoying the rest of the general population of male students of Ouran Private Academy.

But they didn’t annoy the females- they used to, but they stopped now that the lord had told them that it was taboo. As well as everything else they did, such as selling their homosexual relationship-

And now, Hitachiin Kaoru was regretting ever stepping into the Third Music Room.

His hazel eyes scanned the piece of official looking paper again. Clearly shaped letters in the western alphabet were engraved into the crisp professional paper, the blank ink taunting him.

Dear Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin,

We are pleased inform you that you have won our around-the-world-search for potential acting talent in young teens. We have reviewed the videos you have sent in, although unfortunately the dialogue was in Japanese. However, that didn’t detract from the quality of skill you two have shown. You are two of the chosen few who are to participate in the play of the year, produced by James Matthews, in one of the finest dramas orchestrated.

This is the first time we’ve had people from all the way around the world attend. We are honored to have foreign students participating in our continental event.

Enclosed is the letter of acceptance and the details of your trip to London, England.

-The London Productions


Kaoru really, really felt like ripping it into little pieces and setting it on fire.

“So, Kaoru,” Hikaru snapped the English-Japanese dictionary shut, staring at his brother, “What does it mean?”

He twitched, as Hikaru handed him the other paper that was present in the envelope. His annoyed hazel eyes stared the times down, “What’s this ten am mean?”

“We’re leaving,” he says, leaning against his chair, his hazel eyes fixed onto the flight information, “Leaving next week Friday-” he could see Hikaru’s eyes widen, “To England.”

“For what?” the elder twin blinked, trying to understand the words on the sheet of paper. When his brother didn’t reply, Hikaru looked at the letter again-

And Kaoru sighed, “For nothing.”


-

And on the other hand, there seems to a tiny amount of people actually mentoring. o.o I want to somehow pitch in. :D Even though I'm not really active in these forums a lot. xP


Category (two maximum unless comprehensive): Character and Language, or otherwise, character/personality development and the flow of writing descriptions/dialogue <- I think I chose the right categories. If not, change them for me.
Genre specialty (if any): ... ehm... I don't have a specific genre, but I work well with mystery and suspence, and a little more recently, romance. Otherwise, I just like doing character introspections.

I'd like to stick to my fandom of choice, OHSHC, but I can also deal with original fictions and Pokemon. Any other fandom's alien. <.<
Method of contact: email; I hardly check my PM inbox anymore. <.> email: ara.shi@yahoo.com

Anyways... examples. My ff.net account has a bulk of my stories, even though they're rather twin-centric.

Touch Complex Written a while ago, but one of my better ones. Some character introspecting, and lots of descriptions.

A Word of Fashion Advice Dialogue and a different kind of description. IMO, characterizations.

Play Pretend One of my most recent; a lot of characterization.

I'm afraid of putting up any other stories because then that would require me to list warnings up for stuff like twincest and yaoi. -coughs-

Anyway, I just felt like contributing. ;D Hope this is alright. :D
 
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purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Oh-tays, then! :3 dragon_night, you've been added to the list; Literate, you've been both added to the list and accepted. ^^ Welcome aboard!
 

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
Hey, I'm working on a short story (as I continue to beta for people, mind you :p), and having an editor/beta who looks at it objectively would be really nice. This would be a one-time thing for whoever.

For the record:

Story title: It's untitled. But hey, I saved it on my computer under 'Ghost.'
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Original
Plot summary: A guy thinks he's seeing ghosts, but his friends seek to prove he's just going insane.
Genre: Supernatural/mytery
Rating: PG-13
Mentor needed: ...the rules say I'm not allowed to want a comprehensive mentor, but no one's perfect, and I'm really looking for overall opinions. Re-reading your fic 1,293,354 times is much different than having some one else give their opinion, and often the latter is much more fruitful. Summary: I've done my editing, and now I want a second opinion before I post it.
Prior writing experience: Three major fics and three one-shots. All my writing can be found in my sig.
Preferred mentor (optional): No preference.
Writing sample (optional, but expected): A piece of the fic:

He sat up straight and then leaned forward. “I don’t know if you’ll think I’m crazy there, pal. I don’t care if you do, at this point.” The irony of this was that there would come a time where I was the only one who would outwardly insist on his sanity and he would greatly appreciate it, even when we both knew I didn’t really believe it. He continued, “I… Did you see who knocked it over?”

I shrugged. This wasn’t about replacing the glass or anything; I’m not naïve. “We were all in the other room, for the most part.”

He nodded emphatically. “Exactly. No one knocked that glass over. It just fell. I saw it myself. And I tried to recreate it, I did. But it just up and fell. Scared the hell out of me.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he made sure to interrupt. “Don’t give me that, man. I know you don’t believe this stuff, and that’s awesome ‘cause neither do I. But just listen. Just listen, okay? Here’s what’s happened since the first day the movers and I came here.”

I nodded quietly. I wasn’t humoring him; he was always and honest guy—we’d known each other for ever-- and I was truly curious. He exhaled, angered. “I can’t believe something happened tonight and no one saw. I can’t believe it.” He took a deep breath and began to tell me stories.

The first day the movers had started unpacking was humid, and Kenny had decided to try out the central air system that was now his. The thing ran fine for a while, until one of the movers sheepishly complained that the house had become warm again. Kenny gave him permission to go downstairs and adjust the temperature accordingly. The mover reported back that the system had shorted out and turned off entirely, but was now back up and running fine. This situation kept repeating itself but was easily explained away—the house was older and hadn’t been occupied for a while—and sure enough after a few days the system was working fine.

The day before I had gone to visit, the thing began acting up again. It got to the point where it would turn off every few minutes. Kenny was short on money—he had just bought a house, after all—and didn’t really want to call in a professional for fear of costs. He turned it on, and decided to stand there to see what happened when it stopped working. The first time, the temperature gauge simply went blank, as if the power had gone out and the thing just turned off. The previous owners had assured him that all of the systems were working fine; they even had electricians and such come in a certify it. So, Kenny came to the conclusion that he was handling it wrong, and was doing something that was causing it to malfunction. So he turned it on again.

He warned me here that this was where it started to get strange and almost stereotypical. He heard thumping—not footsteps or the like, he claimed, but legitimate banging—and thought, naturally, that he’d gone and broken the thing. He tried to turn it off but now it was turning itself on (I’ll admit, he started to lose me here), and the noises were getting closer and he was getting nervous. Suddenly, he said, he felt wrong. Violated, he called it, but then recanted. All he knew was that the ominous feeling was so bad that he ran upstairs and immediately called the company, demanding they come over as soon as possible lest his house explode or the like.

The worker came over early the next morning, only to report that not only was the machine fine, but Kenny had been doing everything correct with it. He left and Kenny was marginally poorer. Right before I graced him with my presence it defiantly malfunctioned once more, but since then he’d had no problems with it.
 
Story title: The Kanto Chronicles

Fandom: Pokémon

Plot Summary: Serena, James and Kimberly are three trainers who embark on a Pokémon journey. They encounter hardships along the way, as well as both winning and losing battles every now and then. But when Kimberly starts acting unusual – more so than normal – Serena and James know instantly that something is wrong. Can they help her before it’s too late…?

Genre: Journeyfic

Rating: PG13

Mentors needed: Comprehensive or Language and Grammar

Prior writing experience: I’ve been writing Pokémon ficcies since late 2005.

Preferred mentor: EmberGryphon

Writing sample:

In the southwest part of the region sits a town known as Pallet. Pallet Town was a quaint place. It was small, but filled with luscious green hills with the occasional house dotting the area. The town of Pallet was relatively small in comparison to the other cities and townships in Kanto. Most of the houses were built from wood, with the exception of a row of brick houses on the eastern boundary of town belonging to the families with too much money. The sun shone from high up in the sky, lighting up and warming the town as a small breeze wafted along, drying clothes which were hanging on various clotheslines and rustling leaves on trees.

Professor Oak was one of the most highly regarded Pokémon researchers in the world. He had won the Kanto region’s Indigo League – a tournament held every five years at the furthest point north-west in Kanto – two times and has dedicated his life to the study of Pokémon, their habitats, lifestyles and interactions with their trainers. Since he was always known as the most renowned Pokémon expert in the entire world, the citizens of Pallet Town had always considered it an honour that he has continued to work in the town he had grown up in. Visitors felt that Professor Oak’s Pokémon Lab was the only real attraction in the town. It wasn’t so much a tourist attraction, but more a place where interesting Pokémon events and discoveries occurred.

Professor Oak’s grandson had since taken up the role of aide in Pallet Town as Professor Oak himself was preparing for retirement and needed a helper and possible successor.

Pallet Town was hardly ever bustling except for whenever the newest Pokémon trainers graduated from school – the Pokémon Trainers’ Academy – usually at the age of twelve. The school taught traditional classes such as maths, science, history, reading, as well as courses involving studies of Pokémon, which ranged from raising, training, breeding and battling of Pokémon. Their journeys would usually start by travelling north to Viridian City, as it was the closest city to Pallet, and the only city accessible by going on foot. Nothing but deep forest lay to the west and east, and the south was a large stretch of water where Cinnabar Island resided.
 
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purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Okay, sorry for the delay, I had to get some things worked out before I posted.

In response to the issue Act brought up, I've added a new section to the Beta House: the concept of proofreaders. Proofreading is an additional duty that mentors may undertake which is similar to mentoring, except it's aimed towards more experienced writers. Rather than focussing on the long-term improvement of a mentoree, proofreaders serve as a second pair of eyes to smooth out the bumps in an author's work or offer a second opinion on an aspect the author may not be sure of.

Anyone can apply for a proofreader, even someone who is already a proofreader, but other than that, the rules are the same as for mentors. All information is on the first page--as well as a new section for proofreaders--but if I've missed anything, don't hesitate to tell me.

Mentors, expect a PM in the near future--just a heads up!

Act, I've added you to the list as needing a proofreader, Saphira_Thorn, you're on the list too, and Normalize, I've asked a mod to merge your sample with your application post. :3 Thanks everyone!
 
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storywrit3r

Coordinator <3
you can take my name off of the list; i do not want to write that story anymore/i dont need help.
 

The silver houndoom

The hell on earth
Story Title: Dogs of murderill
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot Summary: An houndoom awakes in some lab with amnesia. Soon she discoverd she and the others was being used as an weapon
Genre: mystery/horror
Rating: PG-13
Mentor Needed: Need help with grammar and the flow of the fic
Prior Writing Experience: Well this is gonna be my first fic in english. I always get inspiration from music .
Writing Sample:

Run, Run! It was the only thing i could think. My heart beating in my chest, i runned forwards to the forest. I can hear them, there coming closer. I looked up i could see the moon shine through the branches.

A shot echoed through the forest, an fierce pain felt into my body. Suddenly my body turned to the attackers, I can't see an thing everything is red before my eyes.

I could feel teeth sink into my body, I let out an growl and shake it off. I attack i heard flesh being ripped from the bones, my mouth is full of blood. I can hear they cry of the pain and someone is shouting.

My body fell on the ground my wound is getting worse. I remember someone saying to me: Everyone deserve an happy live but they must work for it. I grinned and say:'I can't have an happy life...I am an muderer!'
 
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~Neon~

There was a child here. They're gone now.
Story title: Lionheart
Fandom: Pokémon
Plot summary: On an island to the North-East of Hoenn, there is only one safe spot for humans to live. Though they are afraid of the other side of the wall, they are happy there. They have a large, thriving community, complete with wannabe trainers. The discriminated-against boy, Lewis, misses the boat to Hoenn along with his half-friend. But what can he do when she is kidnapped by the Creatures Beyond the Wall, the Demons?
Genre: Action/Adventure
Rating: T.
Mentor needed: Comprehensive
Prior writing experience: Been writing fics since I was 10... not pretty. That's about it, really.
Preferred mentor: ...Surprise me.
Writing sample: Part of the prologue, the main charri's five at the moment.
The small class eagerly filed through the door, waved off by Mrs. Bonnet. Lewis was near the back, feeling a bit shy. He wasn’t the most social five-year-old to grace the playground. He watched as his peers ran off in many directions, some of the kids heading towards a small metal shed and emerging with sport equipment. Lewis's yellow eyes lit up as he saw the boy who had passed the ball to him – Davey or something – exit with one that looked remarkably similar to the one that the class had passed around. He smiled and began to jog towards the corrugated iron building.

Lewis could feel the difference in temperature from the playground as he walked inside. He wheezed slightly, finding it harder to breathe in the humid air. He wished the little shed was cooler, like his classroom. Hoops and skipping ropes lined the walls; a few bats for some sport other leaning against the iron for support. Lewis felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise in mild shock when he heard someone else breathing other than himself. A short, humanoid creature walked out of the shadows, its muscular body a gentle grey-blue colour. It was holding a clipboard the same colour as the three crests (which Lewis thought looked like three Mohicans) on the top of its head. It showed Lewis the side with the paper clipped on and tapped a particular word.

“N-na… na-meh… nahme… name?” It took the boy a few tries to get the word right, but once he did the Pokémon nodded. “My name is Lewis Leopold,” he told the blue humanoid, who jotted down something on the paper. It looked up at Lewis, before motioning to the whole room. Lewis stared at the Pokémon blankly, before understanding. “I wanna red ball, like the one the teacher had,” he explained.

The Pokémon set the clipboard aside and began to rummage through what looked like a plain garbage bin. Lewis stole a look at the paper. Though he was no wizard at spelling, he could tell that this Pokémon was not very good at writing at all. Lewis could barely make out the letters, and it seemed to have spelt his name “Looiz Lee-ohpole”. Lewis frowned at this. He abhorred it when people spelt his name wrong!
 
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purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
You've both been added to the list, although, Silver Houndoom, the rules state that samples are supposed to be at least four decent-sized paragraphs long, so if you could edit your post that would be good. ^^ G'luck!
 
Story title – Fighting Against Evil: The Trio’s Quest

Fandom: Pokémon

Plot Summary: Set in Pharaohonia – a land much like Egypt – it seems like a normal badge collecting journey, but with a twist. An evil team worships Bast – the cat Goddess – and seeks to do harm to the third trainer.

Genre: Journeyfic

Rating: PG13

Mentors needed: Language and Grammar

Prior writing experience: This is my first Pokémon story.

Preferred mentor: j_hunter

Writing sample:

In a land much like Egypt, the raging, thirst-causing desert heat of Pharaohonia was very noticeable, especially during and after Pokémon battles. As the sun set in the red cloud-tinged sky, one such Pokémon battle was nearly over between two beginner trainers. The female trainer was dressed in a pair of slim-fitting blue denim three-quarter pants and a red skin-tight short-sleeved top. Being from a wealthy family, the blue eyed blonde girl wore a heart-shaped necklace around her neck and had on a one carat diamond ring. Though she was rich, she had a friend who was a commoner and she always liked to help him out.

The girl had already thrown the red and white sphere which contained her Pokémon. It was a female cat covered in blue fuzz called Shinx. Her stout feline body and short azure fur shivered in the wind, while her tail and ears glowed bright yellow; useful in dark places, but hardly noticeable once they were outside. Hissing, the Shinx leaned down on her front legs, her yellow bands gleaming in the fading light. Although being an Electric type gave her the advantage over her opponent, both Pokémon were showing signs of exhaustion.

Meanwhile, wearing denim jeans, a black and white striped polo shirt and sporting brown hair which was just long enough to be pulled back into a pony-tail, the boy – who was the aforementioned commoner – prepared to call it a day. He wore black Blunderstone boots and his narrowed brown eyes reflected his concentration. The Water type Buizel was doubled over, as if in pain. Exhaling deeply, after righting himself, the full figure of the two-tailed aquafied weasel could be seen. The orange-furred creature was a Sinnoh-based Pokémon. Around his neck was a yellow flotation sac which resembled an inflatable collar.

“Shinx, end this match with Tackle!” the girl commanded, with determination in her eyes.

“Hang in there! Use Quick Attack to dodge and hit it with Water Gun!” the boy retorted, fearing he would lose.

<Will do!> the female Shinx replied.

<I’m all over that cat!> the male Buizel called out bravely, racing in to strike but, at the same time, he knew he would lose to his team-mate.

The two Pokémon leapt into action at once: Shinx, with all of the grace and speed of a lion that her species was, ran towards Buizel. Leaping into the air to perform an airborne Tackle, she came down towards Buizel spinning like a race car’s wheel. Tearing through the Water Gun, but still feeling the effects of being hit by the watery attack, she crashed into her team-mate and they both fell back into the red coloured sand.
 
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