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The Beta House: Redux

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Story title: In the Dark of the Night
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon (Platinum focus), AU elements
Plot summary: A young man growing up in Sinnoh has to interact with the changing world, plus the expanding Johto-Kanto war
Genre: Bildungsroman, war, drama, existentialism (minor)
Rating: PG-13 (might go to R)
Mentor needed: General
Prior writing experience: I have been writing for a long time across a wide variety of topics and genres and in several classes, but need to realign myself with writing for people in a non academic setting.
Writing sample:

Opening paragraph:

. Beneath the amber sky, a single bright flame split the heavens, and into the earth died. And then the earth shuddered from the violence of the assault, and spread its displeasure over the world. First the noise, then the darkness, then the silence, each in turn smothered the world. To those who gazed up at the sky during that time, this was the end, the end of life, of meaning, of existence. But for the world, life was to go on. End only beget beginnings and opportunities for new powers to arise.

Fourth paragraph:

I crouch low and push slowly through the grass. I breathe slowly, each breath spaced evenly. I listen carefully for any sound as I move deeper in. I reach near the middle and wait there. The wind blows so gently and I smell honey on the air, sweet and gentle, but exciting at the same time. I listen for something, but only hear the gentle wind, now bringing in the perfume of flowers to mix with the scent of honey. I know something is coming though, I can feel it in every piece of me. I look through the darkness broken only by the stars over my head and wait... There! I can see it, a dark hole in my vision. The hole moves closer, growing bigger and slowly rustling the grass. I wait until it comes into view. As it grows closer I can see that it is a kicketot! This is what I have been waiting for. I wait until it comes closer enough for me to grab it with a pokeball. As soon as it steps close enough, I jump up and hurl a pokeball at it.


Story title: God's Holy Warrior
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon
Plot summary: (withheld until I find a mentor)
Genre: Action/Adventure
Rating: PG-14 (may be inaccurate...)
Mentor needed: Comprehensive; I could get away with just a Proofreader, but I don't like to take any chances
Prior writing experience: I'd say none, but I have a feeling that I'm lying to myself...
Preferred mentor (optional): Someone who has written a masterpiece or someone who has a great understanding of other people.
Writing sample (optional, but expected):This.
It's probably horrible, though

As of right now, I'm second guessing myself as to whether I should keep this going or not. If I do decide to discontinue this, I'll still keep writing this, but it'll be kept to myself.

Thank you in advance.


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E/GL obsessed
Cait_Sith: Added, though I think you may have understood the rule about four-paragraph samples ... the excerpt just needs to be at least four paragraphs long, not comprise of the first and fourth paragraphs. Not incredibly important, just thought I'd let you know!

Brumrha: Mentors are intended to teach their mentorees the tools of the trade, as it were, so if you feel like you have a good enough grasp of writing techniques you could go for a proofreader if you wanted! Otherwise, added, and good luck~


I've made up my mind & have now abandoned all hopes of trying to write a fanfiction here.

You can take me off the list now, as I will be nothing more than a free-writer, who writes just about anything that comes to his mind without any regards to the standards of writing...


The RPG Godfather
Story title: Ritchie's Hoenn Adventure
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokémon
Plot summary: Its basically just Ritchie's travel through Hoenn
Genre: Journey
Rating: Pg-13
Mentor needed: Comprehensive.
Prior writing experience: I write in a lot RPG's and have written a few fics but I am not very good.
Writing sample (optional, but expected): “Pidgeot, Magnezone get out here,” Crys muttered tossing the balls which burst open in a flash of pure white light revealing two Pokémon, the first was Pidgeot who let loose a blast of wind which almost blew Ritchie's hat off and the second one looked like a tank it was silver and had two Magnets for arms, it glared at Ritchie and let out a loud buzz

“Sparky, Rose we can do this,” Ritchie yelled as his Pokémon leapt over his shoulders and stood ready in front of him.

“What lame nicknames, This should be easy,” Crys muttered glaring at Ritchie

“I got to the final in the Indigo League,” Ritchie defended returning Crys's glare.

“Whatever, Magnezone; Charge Beam and Pidgeot; Heat Wave,” Crys called,

“MAGNEZZ!!” Magnezone buzzed, “Pidgeoo!” Pidgeot chirruped, launching their attacks simultaneously, Pidgeot breathing a beam of hot air which caused the air around it to cackle and Magnezone generating Electricity through its Magnets and firing a beam which churned the ship’s deck up as it flew towards Ritchie’s Pokémon.

“Rose Mirror Move on Pidgeot and Sparky Volt Tackle on Magnezone,” Ritchie yelled a grin now on his face, both his Pokémon nodded before launching their attacks, Sparky covering its body in electricity and running straight at the blast which Magnezone had just fired and Rose mimicking Pidgeot and breathing out a massive breath of Hot air which coursed through the air towards Pidgeot’s attack.

“Idiot,” Crys muttered a second before the attacks met, with a ferocious explosion causing smoke to billow forth as it slowly moved away Ritchie saw that Cry’s Pokémon appeared to be unharmed, Sparky and Rose on the over hand were struggling to stand back up Ritchie took his eyes off of them and glared up at Crys she was smiling at his Pokémon’s pain.

“Magnezone finish that rat with Magnet Bomb and Pidgeot use Brave Bird to get rid of that pathetic bird,” she ordered flipping a strand of hair out of her eyes.

“Get up guys,” Ritchie pleaded concern plastered on his face, as the Pokémon struggled to their feet, “ Ok now Rose use Aerial Ace and Sparky use Quick Attack,” he muttered, as Crys’s attacks got closer,


Vampire Slayer
Mmkay. I posted my first publicly-viewed fanfic and I get reviews that say I need lots of improvements. ^^" And I also need a mentor to help me out. :D

Story title: The Chime Of School Survival [also need a title change, perhaps XD]
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokémon
Plot summary: Chingling needs to survive the bullies in school and find out secrets about her true self.
Genre: Adventure [not sure :(]
Rating: G. :p
Mentor needed: Comprehensive
Prior writing experience: I used to write a lot of stories but I end up throwing them in the trash bin. :'( Plus, I also need tips for writing a good fanfic. \^_^/
Writing sample (optional, but expected):
"Yay! I`m finished!" Chingling said, stretching out her little arms. She was a five-year-old who lived with Mightyena and Poochyena. She never went to school. Her family was mean and cruel, and wouldn`t even let her step outside, except if she has duties.

She had just finished tidying up her little room. There wasn`t much in it, except a yellow bed and a cabinet to put her toys in.

"You`re finished alright! Haha!" Poochyena shouted from the outside of her room. Poochyena was a nine-year-old big bully, he would torture Chingling whenever he can.

"Stop it, Poochyena! You always say that after I clean my room!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Poochyena went inside her room. "It`s tidy all right, but not as full as mine!"

"You have lots of things in your room!" Chingling said. "And they`re scattered around!"

Poochyena`s room is full of toys and collectibles. He just throws them wherever he wants to. His room was a complete opposite from Chingling`s.

"At least my room have lots of items. I`m the greatest."

"Again?! You always say you`re the greatest!" Chingling shouted as she dropped to her knees, letting her head drop to the side and put on a forced confused face.

"I know you`re getting sick because I keep on saying the same things everyday." Poochyena stepped out of her room. "Well, guess what? It`s lunchtiiime!"

"Really?" Chingling opened her eyes wide. "Then I`m going to be firster than you!"

Poochyena rolled on the floor, laughing. "Firster? Why didn`t you just say 'I`m going to be ahead of you!'? It`s obvious you didn`t ever go to school!"

Chingling started crying. Her cry was probably the most annoying thing in the world - the world of the Poochyena Household, that is.

"Hey!" Mightyena said. "Who`s crying again?"

"Ching is, Dad!" Poochyena shouted. He turned to Chingling. "See ya!"

Chingling followed Poochyena downstairs, still crying.

"What`s the matter?" Mightyena asked, grouchy. He wasn`t really a nice guy - he only was to Poochyena, his son. But to others around him, especially
Chingling, Mightyena was never nice.

"P-P-Poochyena said th-that I d-didn`t ever g-go to s-school..." Chingling stammered.

"Isn`t it right, Dad? Ching never went to school!" Poochyena teased.

"I want to go to school, Daddy!" Chingling begged Mightyena. "Please? P-l-e-e-s?"

"Please is, P-L-E-A-S-E! You learn a lot here in the household than anywhere else! Besides, you never went anywhere, anyway."

"But, I want to explore the world outside, Daddy..." Chingling stopped crying.


"But, but--"

"GET OUT!" Mightyena held Chingling by her tassels, threw her out of their door, and locked it.

"Good riddance to the noisy bell!" Poochyena shouted from inside.

It was rainy outside, and stormy, too. Chingling cried again, while she moved away from the house she used to live in.
You might be wondering why Chingling lived with a Poochyena family when she isn`t. I couldn`t tell you. Sorry. =)
Anyway, to nyone who mentors me, big thanks to you. :* I`ll be needing writing advice since this is my first public fanfic. XD

Sir Growlie

I would like a mentor for my new story, that hasn't been posted yet but I am very serious about it, please?
Note: the plot summary is in general, because I don't want to give away too many spoilers.

Story title: Angels
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon
Plot summary: A teenage boy from Lavender Town has to follow an angel, a messenger from Mew, to stop Team Rocket from harassing Pokemon once and for all.
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: PG 13
Mentor needed: Comprehensive mentor
Prior writing experience: I’ve learned a lot from school, and I’ve wrote and failed a few one-shots.
Preferred mentor (optional): Ysavvryl
Writing sample (optional, but expected):

There was no hope for escape. She was trapped.

She felt the wind rushing through her hair as she stood at the top of the cliff, cornered by her pursuers. She could hear the sirens alerting the other agents of her betrayal. Glancing behind her, she saw many dog-like Pokemon with short, black fur and skulls known as Houndours. They were hunting her like she was some sick animal.

She flinched as she imagined their sharp teeth sinking into her pale skin, crunching on her bones and face. She couldn't take it. No, she couldn’t let them kill her.

Only she could take her own life.


Wannabe Hasbeen
I need someone to beta my entry for the Heart and Soul one shot contest, I hope this is allowed. If not just say so.

Story title: Strength in the Heart (One Shot)
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary: Beid is a young Sentret who hopes to travel Johto with a Trainer.
Genre: General Pokemon/Adventure?/Feel-Good
Rating: G
Mentor needed: Comprehensive
Prior writing experience: Nothing of note.
Preferred mentor: someone good

Writing sample:

Dazed and confused, Beid took a deep breath as he calmed himself down. Everything had happened so quickly, and when he went back through the events in his head he was not sure of the exact chronology of every scene. But he was safe, and Sagin was not dead.

Beid looked up at the trainer, and the boy looked back at him and smiled. The young boy laughed nervously, relieved that everything had turned out for the best. The trainer looked at the group of Pokémon surrounding Sagin, and then back at Beid. Suddenly, an idea seemed to occur to him.

The boy opened his bag and rummaged through it. He pulled out a red and white orb, and Beid recognized it instantly as a pokéball. The boy held it to the Sentret, and realizing what he was doing, Beid took a step back.

EDIT: Nevermind, I've already entered it.
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Pal from 3P
I'm looking for a Mentor to help me out with my new One-Shot I'm planning to post soon.

Story title: The Life of a Champion
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary: Can't say as it'll spoil the whole story
Genre: Tragedy maybe? I Can't really say.
Rating: G (Minimal Violence)
Mentor needed: Comprehensive
Prior writing experience: None
Preferred mentor: Anybody who's willing to help me out lol, I'm not picky.

It looks like it'll take a while before I get mentored.


E/GL obsessed
Hmm. Late. Blargh. Sorry.

Brumrha: I've taken you off the list, but feel free to apply again if you need to. After all, there's no better way to improve your writing than by getting feedback on it. ^^

Stabberz: I've added you to the list, though you're already on there for another fic, 'Pokemon Heroes: Heroes of the Future'; do you want me to leave your application with that fic on the list too, or should I remove it?

mespritchaser: Added, and I thought your title was kind of interesting. ^^ Makes me wonder if the story has a kind of theme of passing time (hence the chime, maybe of a clock?) and thus maturity, or perhaps a bell tolling.

... and then I looked at your excerpt and saw it was about a bell pokemon. XD Whoops.

Yamikarasu: Since betas are allowed for the contest, it should be okay. The only problem is that the Beta House is terribly backed up: since the contest has a deadline, I would recommend PMing someone about it as soon as you can, instead of just waiting for someone to accept you; otherwise you might not get anyone to beta it at all. Good luck, though!

As a side note, the excerpt should be at least four decent-sized paragraphs, if you have the material to update it. ^^; Ta.

Zazzy: Done and done. Good luck!


~ ♥ ~
Hello everyone! I'd just like to say that since we seem to have an abundance of applicants here looking for mentors, I'll be happy to re-open for the next couple weeks.

Just as a reminder: I am mostly a character mentor, however I can catch some grammar, plot, and pacing problems. I'll give you my overall reaction to your works, what I think you can improve on, and in general mounds of feedback to wade through at your personal discretion.

Have a nice day~

- . IC Ghost .

Chaos Rush

Well-Known Member
I'm looking for somebody to read over a chapter I have, then tell me how I could make it more interesting/less boring, and correct any errors and such.

Story title: undecided
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon
Plot summary: 15 years ago at Cinnabar Island, an organization attempted to clone a legendary Pokemon, however things went wrong, and the clone almost died. 15 years later, the clone recovered from massive injuries, and is ready to wreak havoc upon Kanto, in an attempt to find and kill the legendary Pokemon it was cloned from, after that it'll try to kill Arceus. Basically, it's going to be a FR/LG based journey fanfic (I know that these have been done before).
Genre: Drama/Journey/???
Rating: I really don't give a crap about ratings seeing as how nobody pays attention to it, but the most suitable would probably be PG-13
Mentor needed: Comprehensive? Basically somebody that can show me weather I can actually make it not seem boring.
Prior writing experience: I've written fanfics here before that were completely FAIL. So I deleted them. But that was a long time ago anyway.
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Dark lord of Sith
Hi, guys! I`m new to Pokemon fics but I`ve came up with a story that I really want to tell so here I`m am looking for a beta! I`m a big fan of the anime and I`m trying to keep it as close to anime cannon as possible.

Story title: undecided
Fandom (preferably pokémon): pokemon
Plot summary:The classical journey for badges and ribbons fic but I`m trying to flesh out the characters and the interaction between them...in short: the protagonist starts a year later because he had to wait and finish Trainer school-he`s not the usual newbie and has good knowledge about pokemon..but he is too proud and often underestamates his opponents (checked out 3 different litmus tests- not a Gary Stu).
Genre:Journey/Adventure and some comedy because the 3rd guy in the group is a nutcase :D
Rating:pG-14, nothing too harsh
Mentor needed:Comprehensive...I`m having trouble deciding whether the dialogues are too long or the descriptions not good enough... Oh, and I`m not a native speaker of English so I need someone to proofread my works...
Prior writing experience:2 years ago I wrote a non-pokemon 5 chapter fic in my native language and the reviews were pretty good...and I`ve had some really strict teachers but even they say my essays are of the chart (but essay =/= fic so I`m a n00b)
Preferred mentor (optional):Whoever`s free at he moment and willing to read my stuff?
Writing sample (optional, but expected): Well, since I don`t have any previous works in English, here`s some of my fic (around ch.5):

Jubilife City! A magnificent sight for the sore eyes of our travelers.
The sun was shining brightly high in the sky, the grass, blown by the morning wind, was whispering gently and everyone were happy.

As the gang`s pace increased as they went down the last hill overlooking the city, each one of them dreamt of the different things the urban giant in front of them offered.

For them this was not just the sight of Y`s first Sinnoh contest.: X and B were attracted by the smell of junk food surrounding the city, Y was vividly dreaming about one of civilization`s oldest inventions-the bath, and Z… Well, even I don`t know what`s in his head sometimes.

I`m using letters for the names, because I haven`t decided all of the names...

If someone is willing to be my mentor-just PM me....the first chapter is finished and waiting!
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E/GL obsessed
Chaos Rush: Well, the ratings avoid trouble. If you leave a story unrated and someone underage reads it and complains, it makes things difficult; if you rate it and they read it anyway, at least you can say you warned them. It just covers you and the forum admins from copping flak from angry parents.

Listed, and sorry about the wait. >.<

Aladar: The Beta House is pretty full at the moment, so you're more likely to be accepted by a mentor if you PM someone yourself. Just check to see who's open, if you didn't want to wait. ^^

It's spelled 'canon', btw. ;) Good luck!


My Loyal Feraligatr
I started writing a Pokemon fanfic but soon realized I need help so...

Story title: Pokemon XD: Battle Revolution
Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon
Plot summary: Duking gets hired to run one of the eleven Colosseums at the theme park island of Poketopia. As a treat, he invited many skilled trainers to challenge the Colosseums' leaders. As Wes, Willie and Micheal begin their challenge, they soon discover that Poketopia was secretly a holding ground where Cipher shipped Shadow Pokemon before the team disbanded. Now our heroes, with support from others, must snag and purify the remaining Shadow Pokemon that are being distributed, knowningly or not, by the park. Also they must keep this issue under the radar or else people will start to leave the island out of fear and return home, spreading the Shadow Pokemon all over the world.
Genre: Action, Drama
Rating: PG-13
Mentor needed: Flunency mostly... proofreader too
Prior writing experience: I wrote comics and as such I always used pictures to show what was going on when the characters weren't talking. I need help describing what's going on without pictures. My strongest point is plot.

Did I fill out the form right?

EDIT: Added proofreader, now that I think about it I think this story will eventually start to reach PG-13's level so I'll change it to that for now at least.
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I am the Walrein.
Well, I'm writing I fanfic. I just hope I'm eligible to be a mentoree.

Anyway, the details of the story:

Story Title: The Mountain's Shepherd
Fandom (Preferably Pokemon): Pokemon
Plot summary: Absol, the guardian of a small mountain in northern Sinnoh, has his homeland disturbed by Machoke, natives of the mounatin, but corrupted by unknown forces. A series of events leads him to find out that Team Magma has began a new operation in Sinnoh. He eventuall teams up with a human bioscientist Jarrett Winston and Police Officer Richard Padgett, who had been investigating the crime. The three (along with a few others) then attempt to stop Magma before their plan reaches its final step.
Genre: Adventure, maybe tragedy.
Rating: PG-13 for a few mild swears and quite a lot of violence.
Mentor needed: I'm in dire need of someone to help me with a first person POV, along with general editing for overall improvement, so a comprehensive mentor would be nice- OR, if one isn't available, I'm always up for a character mentor.
Prior Writing Experience: I've made a few attempts at writing fantasy/sci-fi novels, and have developed a "world" that I hope to expand on as I improve my skills and decide to take another stab at such a huge project. Along with that, I've taken a few independent courses in writing.

Ah, and yes... an excerpt.


The grunt removed his hood slowly, revealing slicked back blond hair. “Are we finished yet? I believe your dear partner is barely holding on.” He gingerly summoned his Pokémon with a wave of his hand. “Houndoom, cease your blaze.” At once, the Pokémon’s mouth shut, and the fire diminished to smoke. Instinctively, all three beings focused on Slowking. Standing there lazily was a form of sparkling blue. I wavered back and forth a few times, then tilted its head. It stretched its arms out deliberately, as if pushing against unseen forces. Taking a step forward, it let out a chilling sound, its body pulsing.

The air fizzled with energy. Both the Magma grunt and Houndoom took a step back in near unison. “What’s that creature doing? Don’t let it get out of control!”

Jarrett couldn’t help but laugh at the notion. “My dear Slowking, out of control? He’s barely trying. Oh, this is only a hint of the power he can direct.”

Both parties stood frozen, ignoring the chilling breeze that now picked up. All eyes were focused on Slowking, whose blue coating had evaporated, save for the eyes, which shone brighter than ever. “Go ahead, loose your psychic powers.”

Slowking raised his rubbery fist, softly chanting unrecognizable syllables. All the while, his eyes pierced the blue, staring unwaveringly at Houndoom, who was now coated in the same blue veneer.

Suddenly, a violent, tormented howl came from the creature as he sank to the ground weakly, shivering harshly. The Magma grunt stood stiff, eyes showing terror, though it was obvious he knew that there was no way to safely intervene. Houndoom’s breathing slowed until there was barely a hint of movement in his body. “Please… don’t kill him.” He uttered desperately.

When Slowking heard this, he reluctantly obliged; his eyes slowly faded to normal. Jarrett, too, seemed ready to end. Houndoom looked to have been knocked out. He lay on his side in a writhing position, unmoving. The grunt rushed to his partner. As he approached, he threw himself into a slide, knees separating the snow.

“Don’t worry, he’s not dead.” Jarrett took a few steps forward, calling Slowking back into his Poké Ball. “I would never let Slowking go so far as to kill another. I keep his powers under control-“

“Not dead? He isn’t breathing, you fool!” There were tears in the grunt’s eyes, frozen as they dropped from his cheek. His voice was trembling. “What the hell did he do? What did that Slowking do?”

“He only drove Houndoom out of consciousness. He’ll wake up in a little while.”

The grunt now had thick tears running loosely down his cheeks. Though there was an undeniable evil in the man, Jarrett could see loss in the opponent’s face. Truly, he was unsure if his partner really would come to. The loss slowly turned to malice and hatred, though, and Jarrett tensed with horror as he watched the Magma grunt pull a handgun from his pocket as he stood up.

“I am not sorry for this at all. You’re a very respectable man, Dr. Winston. I respect your work; bioscientists are crucial to our studies. You’re a very powerful trainer. But you have gained too much ground against me and my organization already. I can’t leave without killing you.” He raised the gun shakily to Jarrett’s chest level, breathed deeply, and pulled the trigger.


And there you have it. Thanks in advance for reading.
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