In need of a beta, please
Story title: Double Trouble!
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary: Leon (a new pokemon trainer) enters Viridian City to heal his pokemon, get his pokedex fixed and rest for the night when suddenly, Team Comet shut down the centre's power and threaten to steal the centre's pokemon.
Genre: General, Adventure, bits of Comedy.
Rating: Maybe 11+
Mentor Needed: Comprehensive.
Prior writing expierence: I made one fic before, but it ended badly.
Writing sample: Last time we left Leon, he had just got his pokedex and his starter pokemon, Bulbasaur. While travelling through Route 1, Leon met an employee who was giving away a free potion for wondering travellers, He also battled against a Pidgey and a Rattata, but didn’t catch them because they both escaped him. By the time he left Route 1, his Bulbasaur was tired from all the battles it had and needed to go to a Pokemon Centre. But back to the now, Leon just arrived at Viridian City, which was known for leading to the Victory Road, which leads to the Pokemon League and also for having the 8th Gym badge. There also appeared to be a huge building under construction, it’s wasn’t going to be built for a long time, it appeared. By the time he got to Viridian City, the sun was starting to set, so he went into the Pokemon Centre.
Leon entered the Pokemon Centre and went up to the front deck and he saw a woman with pink hair and a nurse outfit on, and next to her was a cute pink pokemon named Chansey.
“Hello there, you must be a new trainer right?” The woman asked Leon.
“Um, yes, I am, but how did you know?” Leon replied with a look of confusion on his face.
“We’ve never seen you hear before and there are new trainers coming in and out all of the time” The woman joyfully said. “My name is Nurse Joy and I run Viridian’s Pokemon Centre, and this pokemon is named Chansey” Nurse Joy said. Her Chansey gave a cute cry and smiled at Leon.
“So that’s a Chansey, hu?” Leon said as he tried to collect data on it from his pokedex, but it didn’t work. “Darn it! Not again! Why isn’t my pokedex working?” Leon sadly said.
“Has it been activated yet?” Nurse Joy asked.
“Activated? I thought it already was but broken!” Leon surprisingly told Nurse Joy.
“No, it hasn’t been activated yet, that’s all” Nurse Joy laughed. “May I activate it for you?” Nurse Joy asked Leon.
“Yes please. Oh, and could you please heal my pokemon?” Leon replied by asking Nurse Joy a question.
“Of course” Nurse Joy joyfully said as Leon handed her his pokedex and his one pokemon. “Is this your only pokemon?” Nurse Joy asked.
“Yes, I just started out today” Leon happily said to her.
“Good for you,” she said in the same happiness as before. “It will only take a few minutes, just take a seat in the waiting room and we’ll call you when your pokemon is healed and your pokedex is activated” Nurse Joy told Leon.
“Okay, thanks you,” Leon replied with a smile, he then walked over to the waiting room and sat down to wait for his name to be called. Within minutes, Leon’s name was called out and he walked over to the front deck where Nurse Joy had Leon’s Bulbasaur and Pokedex.
“Everything appears to be in ship shape.” Nurse Joy joyfully said. “Your Bulbasaur is fully healed and your pokedex is now activated, go on check it out” Nurse Joy told Leon to do. Leon opened up his pokedex and a man’s voice came up.
“I am Dexter, a pokedex programmed by Professor Oak for pokemon trainer Leon Dyson of Pallet Town. My function is to provide Leon with information and advice regarding pokemon at their training. If lost or stolen, I cannot be replaced,” said the voice, Dexter.
“Somehow the power from the pokedex lost all of its power by a strong force of wind. But how could have that happened?”Nurse Joy wondered. “Well, it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s fixed now” She smiled to Leon.
“Thanks you very much” Leon said happily. As he walked away from the front deck, Nurse Joy stopped him for a moment.
“Oh, Leon, is it?” Nurse Joy asked. “Why don’t you stay here for the night, it’s getting dark outside and you’d be refreshed and ready for tomorrow” Nurse Joy suggested to Leon.
“Yes please!” Leon said with a big opened smile and a twinkle in his eyes. “Thank you so much” he then said to Nurse Joy.
“I’ll just need you to write out a few thing on this page, you name, age, date of birth, well, what is says on it” Nurse joy instructed. Leon wrote down the information needed in the registration book. Nurse Joy then told him to go to room 2C, which was on the second floor. Leon went up the two sets of stairs and went in the small room labelled 2C. He set his bag near the bed, took of his fleece and shoes, put Bulbasaur’s poke ball on the side table next to him and went under the quilts of the bed. As he looked up at the selling, a few thought went through his head like *Wow, that Viridian Nurse Joy was really nice to give me a room, I hope it’s like that with many other people on my journeys* *As soon as I wake up, I’ll head for Viridian Forest and to Pewter City, where I’ll challenge the gym leader for their gym badge*. He then started to drift to sleep but was suddenly woken up by an alarm bell which rang through the entire pokemon centre.
“EMERGENY ALERT! EMERGENCY ALERT! EVERYONE REPORT TO THE MAIN FRONT DECK MIDIATELY! I REPEAT, EVERYONE REPORT TO THE MAIN FRONT DECK IMIDIATELY!” The alert echoed. Leon jumped out of bed and put his shoes and fleece back on, grabbed his bag and poke ball from the table and he ran down to the front deck where there were many people worrying what was happening. As Leon wondered what was happening he here two voices talking in a nearby room. He peeked through the window of the room where he saw Nurse Joy talking to a woman with green pony-tail style hair and a police outfit on.
“I can’t believe it, what am I going to do!” Nurse Joy said to the woman.
“Don’t worry maim, Our officers have locked all and guarded all the routes leading inside and out of the Pokemon Centre, so if the thieves are still here then there will be no way out” the woman explained.
“Thank you so much Officer Jenny” Nurse Joy hopefully said to Officer Jenny.
“No problem ma’am, just doing my job, and don’t worry, well make sure that that pokemon food is returned safe and sound” Officer Jenny replied. “Now about those thieves, are these them?” She asked Nurse Joy while holding a picture. On the picture was a boy with short ginger hair, a girl with short ginger hair and a Kecleon. The boy and the girl both had a white jumpsuit on with an ORANGE “C” on their tops.
“Yes, that’s them” Nurse Joy replied.
“Don’t worry ma’am, I’ll inform all the people in the pokemon centre” Officer Jenny said. She grabbed the microphone used to alarm everyone and spoke into it.
“UTTENSION EVERYONE IN THE POKEMON CENTRE!” Officer Jenny spoke said speaking clearly in the microphone. “APARENTLY, THE STORAGE OF POKEMONN FOOD HAS BEEN STOLEN! NOW WE HAVE LOCKED ALL OF THE ENTRY AND EXIT ROUTES IN THE POKEMON CENTRE AND WE HAVE ALSO BLOCKED THEM TOO. NOW WE ARE ON THE LOOK OUT OF TWO PEOPLE WHO MAY BE CONNECTED WITH THE POKEMON FOOD SUPPLIES! BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR …..” She continued to say but suddenly, the power in the pokemon Centre was cut out and everything wasn’t working, including the microphone and all of the health machines keeping the injured pokemon alive. Everyone started to panic as they ran around the main floor. Leon backed away from the door was he heard the two woman running out of the door. As the two came from the door, Officer Jenny brought out a microphone of her own and spoke through it. “SETTLE DOWN EVERYONE!” she said trying to calm everyone down. Everyone stopped running around and listened to Officer Jenny. “LIKE I WAS SAYING BEFORE THE POWER GOT CUT, BE ONE THE LOOK OUT FOR A BOY AND A GIRL IN WHITE JUMPSUITS WITH AN ORANGE “C” ON THE TOPS HALF OF THEIR JUMPSUITS. THEY ALSO HAVE A KECLEON WITH THEM AS WELL, SO IF ANYONE SEES ANYTHING, COME AND REPORT IT TO EITHER ME OR NURSE JOY HERE” Officer Jenny informed everyone, but everyone just started to panic again.
(It's a bit from the 2nd chapter of my new fic in development, the chapter I need help on)
I hope this isn't too much and I hope someone can help me.