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The Beta House: Redux

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P

purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Good Lord, what happened? >.< You all have permission to beat me to death with a tiki torch. Or, well, half to death, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to update for you.

Phantom Gardevoir: You've been added to the list! To answer your question, usually the mentors choose who they want to mentor, so getting in contact with the mentoree is supposed to be their responsibility; however, if you had someone specific in mind that you wanted to work with, feel free to PM or email them to ask.


Ysavvryl: Accepted, and welcome aboard! ^^ Technically, if you want to be a comprehensive mentor you can't be the other two (because it really encompasses them anyway) but no matter; I've listed you as comprehensive because that seems to be the most needed mentor and we could use another one. However, since we don't have any plot mentors at all and there are a number of mentorees who'd like one, feel free to contact them about mentoring for them if you feel up to it.


Libie, I've added you to the list, good luck! ^^


Night_Umbreon, I've taken you off the list, and I'm sorry to hear you feel your fic is dead. I'd encourage you to keep writing despite the lack of a mentor; there are some good reviewers who could give you feedback if the story is posted, even if there isn't a mentor available. And even then, the best way to learn how to write is simply to write, even if your earlier works aren't as good as the later ones.

And hey, as for fics dying after three months--I only just updated mine after a year of nothing! XD So no worries; update when you feel ready, or rewrite if you feel you need to. After all, a story doesn't depend upon a mentor as much as the writer's determination to see it through.


Jason-Kun, done and done, although it'd be nice if your plot summary had more detail to it, to give the mentors a better grasp of the story. Thanks, and good luck! ^^
 
Y

Ysavvryl

Pokedex Researcher
Okay! And I've been helping Libie out already, since she asked me shortly after she posted the request.
 
B

Black Murder Heavangelon

Ow! Ow! Harder! Ow!
Story Title: To die in their name
Fandom: Pikmin
Plot summary: The POV of every Boss in the game before they died. With the inclusion of a government conspiracy.
Genre: Angst/Tragedy
Rating: PG-13-R (due to death scenes)
Mentor needed: Proofreader
Prior writing experience: I've written 12 other stories, two of them completed. I used to write at another forum where I began my Fanfiction career (if that's how you call it).
Preferred mentor: One who can outsmart me in advanced word games anyday. O: (but seriously, someone who is a word expert) As well as a thorough knowledge of the pikmin game.
“Waterwraith, you’re here a bit early,” Ranging Bloyster says to me.

“I was just curious about the new plans Titan Dweevil might’ve thought,” I lied. I could care less about what the Titan Dweevil thinks, if he is capable of thinking. That no-good brainless spider can never be the boss of me.

Of course, he’s not completely the boss of me. I am 3rd ranked in the Land Council, with Raging Long Legs being 2nd and Titan Dweevil the 1st. For a while, Pileated Snagret was ranked 4th but when the King’s son began working a bit harder, he was bumped up a level much to the Pileated Snagret’s disappointment. Now, it’s: Emperor Bulblax as 4th and Pileated Snagret down as the 5th. But I’m sure the ranks will change once I show them my new rollers, which I didn’t bring to the Naval.

I noticed that Raging Long Legs arrived a bit later than before. He moved slowly, well, slower than usual, toward his spot in the Naval. It was a few minutes before the meeting would began and I guess I ought to ask him what was wrong (I was curious, not concerned).

“You seem a bit down. So what’s wrong this time?” I asked.

The Long Legs only looked at me sternly, which conflicted with the laws of science and reality itself.

“Man-at-Legs…he was killed by the pikmin…” he said.

“So? How does Man-at-Leg’s existence mean to you?”

“I don’t want to hear it Waterwraith. I know how insensitive you can be, but say such things to me.”

“What? Growing a little soft?” I asked.

As quick as thunder, the purple arachnorb raised its foot and slammed it hard into the ground in front of me. The stomp, which felt more like an earthquake, shook me and my watery body down to the floor. I felt my composition go out of order and I almost lost my form! I slowly started to think maybe I ought to crawl away, but I shook that thought out of my head.

I forgot why he was a rank above me.

“Don’t screw with me Waterwraith. I’m having mixed feelings since Man-at-Legs death and I’m not in the mood to deal with your bulldoodle.”

And with that, he stomped away.

Wow, had no idea I was pressing the wrong button. Perhaps through the invention of my rollers I had such a hearty mood that I had forgotten to distance myself from the Raging Long Legs. Well, now I’m sure I’ll never make THAT mistake again.

Then, from the center of the area, rose one leg, followed by another leg then two more came out. The Titan Dweevil eroded out of the ground and stood gloriously in his spot, shining bright because of the weapons he was holding. If I had eyes, retina and iris, they would only be blinded by that ridiculous sheen.

“I apologize for having second meeting so soon. I’m sure some of you were busy,” the Titan said sympathetically, “But something unthinkable has happened.”

“The Great Emperor is back?” the Ranging Bloyster said.

Everyone, even I, stared at the almost seemingly idiotic slug that spoke. Feeling our stares, the Bloyster looked back and forth as if he didn’t expect the stare down.

“What?” he asked, “He said ‘unthinkable’.”

“Too unthinkable. In fact, the Man-at-Legs, Raging Long Legs dear brother, has been reported dead,” at this, many of the creatures gasped at this.

It was already old news for me. Although I didn’t think it was possible, it was something unthinkable. I only prayed that there was more to this meeting than just the machines death.

“There’s no way the pikmin could’ve done that,” the Ranging Bloyster said, “Man-at-Legs is a very potent killing machine. Man-at-Legs victory is the only possible outcome.”

“The fact that the pikmin have killed Man-at-Legs means they have the potency to kill the rest of the Land Council if we’re not careful,” the Titan said.

“I would not like to believe that the pikmin barely struggled to defeat Man-at-Legs,” a prince Bulblax spoke, “but out of possibility, the pikmin population had to have dropped severely, wouldn’t it?”

“That is true. Considering that they would have to spend a day to repopulate, they wouldn’t do so at the Valley of Repose. They had just cleaned most of the area of wildlife before venturing into Man-at-Legs cavern so they would start their repopulation somewhere else. But where?”

“The only areas left for repopulation is Awakening Wood and Perplexing Pool. Since both areas have only two caves left, there’s a fifty percent chance they’ll venture into either area,” The Pileated Snagret of Snagret Hole said, “and with two caves left to explore, there’s a twenty five percent chance they’ll invade my hole.”

“Or mine,” the Prince Bulblax of Bulblax Kingdom said.

“Or mine as well,” the Ranging Bloyster of Shower Room said.

“Then there’s my hole,” I spoke, not wanting to feel left out.

“Calculations alone won’t guarantee your safety. In fact, don’t count out the important factors either,” the Titan Dweevil said, “Snagret Hole is guarded by a Snagret right? Surely that wouldn’t be the first choice from the start.”

“True, plus, I made sure to pick a tenacious Snagret for guard duty,” the Pileated Snagret said.

“Bulblax Kingdom is blocked by an electric gate. Plus, it is very hard to get to that cave since the main path is blocked by undrainable water.”

“I guess I shouldn’t be as worried,” the Prince Bulblax said.

“The Shower Room is also blocked by an electric gate. And it’s on the other side of a wide lake as well.”

“My hole is the safest then,” Ranging Bloyster said with a hint of glee.

“And then there’s Waterwraith. Which is blocked by… actually yours is easier to get to.”

“Huh? What’re you talking about?” I asked.

“Well, disregarding the Wollywogs and Crawmads that hazard the path, the only real obstacle is a wooden gate. I suggest putting in a few dumples to make the path harder.”

“Just so you know, the only pikmin that can make it are blue pikmin, and I’m not dumb enough to fill my cave with nothing but water.”

“Really? Do you have a brain to prove it? Because I don’t see one,” the Titan said to me.

“And I don’t see your brain either Titan.”

“Because it’s in a very vital place called a head. We can see through you Waterwraith, but why can’t we see a brain? Hmm?”

I was getting ******.

“Like it or not Titan, I have nothing to fear,” I said as I walked close to the Titan, “Excluding me, everyone here has a weakness, including you.”

“So can you explain why you are you ranked 3rd out of the 5 of us?” he asked.

I didn’t have an answer for that. But I didn’t talk. I simply backed down a bit before regaining my composure.

“Just so you know I can always bump myself high than you in rank. In fact, I’ve developed a weapon myself that’ll make me all the more powerful,” I said triumphantly as the creatures around me, excluding the Titan, began to whisper in wonder.

“Oh have you now?” the Titan Dweevil asked, half interested and half sarcastically, from what I can tell, “Then why don’t you show it to us?”

“Unfortunately, I don’t have it at the moment, but next meeting, be prepared to witness the most incredible juggernaut since Man-at-Legs!”

“We’ll be waiting,” the Titan Dweevil said, almost challengingly.

I doubt I'll find anyone with these conditions. I am desperate for a proofreader.
 
M

Me_Love_Eevee!

Well-Known Member
Hello, I'm Me_Love_eevee! Just wondering, what are the types of mentors and what do they do?
 
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P

purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Black Murder Heavangelon: Added, and g'luck! ^^

Me_Love_Eevee!: All the information you need is in the first post. Please read it before posting again.
 
M

Me_Love_Eevee!

Well-Known Member
In need of a beta, please

Story title: Double Trouble!
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary: Leon (a new pokemon trainer) enters Viridian City to heal his pokemon, get his pokedex fixed and rest for the night when suddenly, Team Comet shut down the centre's power and threaten to steal the centre's pokemon.
Genre: General, Adventure, bits of Comedy.
Rating: Maybe 11+
Mentor Needed: Comprehensive.
Prior writing expierence: I made one fic before, but it ended badly.
Writing sample: Last time we left Leon, he had just got his pokedex and his starter pokemon, Bulbasaur. While travelling through Route 1, Leon met an employee who was giving away a free potion for wondering travellers, He also battled against a Pidgey and a Rattata, but didn’t catch them because they both escaped him. By the time he left Route 1, his Bulbasaur was tired from all the battles it had and needed to go to a Pokemon Centre. But back to the now, Leon just arrived at Viridian City, which was known for leading to the Victory Road, which leads to the Pokemon League and also for having the 8th Gym badge. There also appeared to be a huge building under construction, it’s wasn’t going to be built for a long time, it appeared. By the time he got to Viridian City, the sun was starting to set, so he went into the Pokemon Centre.

Leon entered the Pokemon Centre and went up to the front deck and he saw a woman with pink hair and a nurse outfit on, and next to her was a cute pink pokemon named Chansey.
“Hello there, you must be a new trainer right?” The woman asked Leon.
“Um, yes, I am, but how did you know?” Leon replied with a look of confusion on his face.
“We’ve never seen you hear before and there are new trainers coming in and out all of the time” The woman joyfully said. “My name is Nurse Joy and I run Viridian’s Pokemon Centre, and this pokemon is named Chansey” Nurse Joy said. Her Chansey gave a cute cry and smiled at Leon.
“So that’s a Chansey, hu?” Leon said as he tried to collect data on it from his pokedex, but it didn’t work. “Darn it! Not again! Why isn’t my pokedex working?” Leon sadly said.
“Has it been activated yet?” Nurse Joy asked.
“Activated? I thought it already was but broken!” Leon surprisingly told Nurse Joy.
“No, it hasn’t been activated yet, that’s all” Nurse Joy laughed. “May I activate it for you?” Nurse Joy asked Leon.
“Yes please. Oh, and could you please heal my pokemon?” Leon replied by asking Nurse Joy a question.
“Of course” Nurse Joy joyfully said as Leon handed her his pokedex and his one pokemon. “Is this your only pokemon?” Nurse Joy asked.
“Yes, I just started out today” Leon happily said to her.
“Good for you,” she said in the same happiness as before. “It will only take a few minutes, just take a seat in the waiting room and we’ll call you when your pokemon is healed and your pokedex is activated” Nurse Joy told Leon.
“Okay, thanks you,” Leon replied with a smile, he then walked over to the waiting room and sat down to wait for his name to be called. Within minutes, Leon’s name was called out and he walked over to the front deck where Nurse Joy had Leon’s Bulbasaur and Pokedex.

“Everything appears to be in ship shape.” Nurse Joy joyfully said. “Your Bulbasaur is fully healed and your pokedex is now activated, go on check it out” Nurse Joy told Leon to do. Leon opened up his pokedex and a man’s voice came up.
“I am Dexter, a pokedex programmed by Professor Oak for pokemon trainer Leon Dyson of Pallet Town. My function is to provide Leon with information and advice regarding pokemon at their training. If lost or stolen, I cannot be replaced,” said the voice, Dexter.
“Somehow the power from the pokedex lost all of its power by a strong force of wind. But how could have that happened?”Nurse Joy wondered. “Well, it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s fixed now” She smiled to Leon.
“Thanks you very much” Leon said happily. As he walked away from the front deck, Nurse Joy stopped him for a moment.
“Oh, Leon, is it?” Nurse Joy asked. “Why don’t you stay here for the night, it’s getting dark outside and you’d be refreshed and ready for tomorrow” Nurse Joy suggested to Leon.
“Yes please!” Leon said with a big opened smile and a twinkle in his eyes. “Thank you so much” he then said to Nurse Joy.
“I’ll just need you to write out a few thing on this page, you name, age, date of birth, well, what is says on it” Nurse joy instructed. Leon wrote down the information needed in the registration book. Nurse Joy then told him to go to room 2C, which was on the second floor. Leon went up the two sets of stairs and went in the small room labelled 2C. He set his bag near the bed, took of his fleece and shoes, put Bulbasaur’s poke ball on the side table next to him and went under the quilts of the bed. As he looked up at the selling, a few thought went through his head like *Wow, that Viridian Nurse Joy was really nice to give me a room, I hope it’s like that with many other people on my journeys* *As soon as I wake up, I’ll head for Viridian Forest and to Pewter City, where I’ll challenge the gym leader for their gym badge*. He then started to drift to sleep but was suddenly woken up by an alarm bell which rang through the entire pokemon centre.

“EMERGENY ALERT! EMERGENCY ALERT! EVERYONE REPORT TO THE MAIN FRONT DECK MIDIATELY! I REPEAT, EVERYONE REPORT TO THE MAIN FRONT DECK IMIDIATELY!” The alert echoed. Leon jumped out of bed and put his shoes and fleece back on, grabbed his bag and poke ball from the table and he ran down to the front deck where there were many people worrying what was happening. As Leon wondered what was happening he here two voices talking in a nearby room. He peeked through the window of the room where he saw Nurse Joy talking to a woman with green pony-tail style hair and a police outfit on.
“I can’t believe it, what am I going to do!” Nurse Joy said to the woman.
“Don’t worry maim, Our officers have locked all and guarded all the routes leading inside and out of the Pokemon Centre, so if the thieves are still here then there will be no way out” the woman explained.
“Thank you so much Officer Jenny” Nurse Joy hopefully said to Officer Jenny.
“No problem ma’am, just doing my job, and don’t worry, well make sure that that pokemon food is returned safe and sound” Officer Jenny replied. “Now about those thieves, are these them?” She asked Nurse Joy while holding a picture. On the picture was a boy with short ginger hair, a girl with short ginger hair and a Kecleon. The boy and the girl both had a white jumpsuit on with an ORANGE “C” on their tops.
“Yes, that’s them” Nurse Joy replied.
“Don’t worry ma’am, I’ll inform all the people in the pokemon centre” Officer Jenny said. She grabbed the microphone used to alarm everyone and spoke into it.
“UTTENSION EVERYONE IN THE POKEMON CENTRE!” Officer Jenny spoke said speaking clearly in the microphone. “APARENTLY, THE STORAGE OF POKEMONN FOOD HAS BEEN STOLEN! NOW WE HAVE LOCKED ALL OF THE ENTRY AND EXIT ROUTES IN THE POKEMON CENTRE AND WE HAVE ALSO BLOCKED THEM TOO. NOW WE ARE ON THE LOOK OUT OF TWO PEOPLE WHO MAY BE CONNECTED WITH THE POKEMON FOOD SUPPLIES! BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR …..” She continued to say but suddenly, the power in the pokemon Centre was cut out and everything wasn’t working, including the microphone and all of the health machines keeping the injured pokemon alive. Everyone started to panic as they ran around the main floor. Leon backed away from the door was he heard the two woman running out of the door. As the two came from the door, Officer Jenny brought out a microphone of her own and spoke through it. “SETTLE DOWN EVERYONE!” she said trying to calm everyone down. Everyone stopped running around and listened to Officer Jenny. “LIKE I WAS SAYING BEFORE THE POWER GOT CUT, BE ONE THE LOOK OUT FOR A BOY AND A GIRL IN WHITE JUMPSUITS WITH AN ORANGE “C” ON THE TOPS HALF OF THEIR JUMPSUITS. THEY ALSO HAVE A KECLEON WITH THEM AS WELL, SO IF ANYONE SEES ANYTHING, COME AND REPORT IT TO EITHER ME OR NURSE JOY HERE” Officer Jenny informed everyone, but everyone just started to panic again.


(It's a bit from the 2nd chapter of my new fic in development, the chapter I need help on)

I hope this isn't too much and I hope someone can help me. :D
 
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Z

Zincspider

My Bloody
Story title: Hand of Hands

Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon

Plot summary: Arceus retreives the soul of a person (no-one knows who he is yet) and asks him to be the 'Hand of Hands", a emesary of the 'Hands of the Higher Authority', (EX: Dialga, Palkia, Darkrai, Giratina) seeing as they can have no contact with Earth.

Genre: Sci-Fi, Action, Internal Conflicts galore.

Rating: Depending on chapter. Some are 'G', while fighting chapters are rated 'R'.

Mentor Needed: Comprehensive.

Prior writing expierence: The Reluctant Trainer (I closed it down, but not because I didn't have motivation. It was because I didn't like the story, and it wasn't to good.)

Writing sample: (first two paragraphs of the fic)
----------
“Awake my son, your soul is in place”.

What? Who is that? That voice? Where am I? Who am I?

These are all questions I ask myself. Questions that flood me because I had just woken up, but from what? I try opening my… eyes? Is that what they are? Yes, my ‘eyes’. But they will not. So I have to accept where I am, for I can neither open my ‘eyes or move my… lambs? No, my ‘limbs’, that’s the ticket. Wait… what’s a ‘ticket’, and what does it have to do with ‘eyes’?

“Awake my son, your soul is in place” repeated the voice. The voice was enthralling. It shook me inside my… head? Yes, my head, and still sounded endearing, and caring. It was as if this voice would take care of me forever, and I would not have to worry. It was a dome that kept me safe in my little world. It was not the voice of a mortal being to be sure, but it seemed to be that of a man… no, not a man, but a father. Apparently I could still hear… whatever that means. How do I get these words in my head? Where are they coming from? I decide to try to speak on my own. But no words come out of me, or what I believe is me, for I cannot do anything still. Instead, the voice is there, and cannot be defined by any of the words in my ‘vocabulary’. The best I can call my ‘voice’ is ‘there’ that’s all it was. It didn’t have sound of it’s own, it just existed. That’s all.
 
Manchee

Manchee

extra toasty
Okay, I had posted here before (or I think I have) and would like to post again.

Story Title: The Sapphire Story (still undecided, as I have yet to post my Fic, but I'm still working on it and need a Beta)
Fandom (preferably Pokémon): Yes, it is Pokémon
Plot summary: Okay....My Fic is about three trainers who embark on a journey through Hoenn(GASP!). My plot is very complicated and there is much more that I can provide in this section. Just read what I write and eventually you'll get it ;D
Genre: Adventure/Suspence/Violence/Some Mystery/Uhhh....I think there is more...
Rating: PG-13/PG-14 - whichever you wanna think it is, it doesn't matter.
Mentor needed: Grammar Mentor
Prior writing experience: I have written a Fic before (unfinished) but my friend Fire Suicune has already read part of my new Fic and said that it's much much better than my other.
Preferred mentor (optional): Like...an actualy member? Uhhh.....duncan or whoever else is good :D
Writing sample (optional, but expected):
The moving van sped down the dirt path, kicking up clouds of dust and sending them into the chilling October air. Its silver exterior was now covered by smears of dirt and dust. A boy hung half his body out of the open window, despite the slight drizzle falling from the gray clouds above. His arms dangled below him and thumped against van door as it rushed over bumps of dirt. The cool rush of air comforted him; it reminded him of home – his real home, not the one that his mother was racing to like a mad woman behind the steering wheel. His old home was his favorite place in the world right now.

They’d left everything behind; friends, family…everything seemed to have been ripped away from him. Now all that was left was a large gash in his life that would never go away. Too bad that’s what he wanted, for everything to just go away. Especially his mom. She was always making huge decisions without thinking them through. Nothing she did ever helped them like she thought they did. She thought that moving far enough away from Cianwood City would keep away his father. It was an idiotic idea, and he knew it. Soon enough his dad would figure out that his mom had taken him halfway around the world and then he would come find them. That’s exactly what happened when his parents got a divorce.

He hadn’t seen his dad in seven years, let alone heard from him. The last he’d seen of him was the day his mother moved them both – excluding his father – from Cherrygrove to Cianwood City. They lived in Cianwood since 2001 and it took his father almost eight years to find out where him and his mother were. He told his mother about how he’d noticed a man following him home from school and she ended up freaking out at racing around to get things ready to move.

The memories brought tears to his eyes. Not wanting his mother to know that he was crying, he held back the waterworks and quietly sniffled. Too bad his mom had heard.

“Cole, are you crying?” her voice was the same angelic one that she used to comfort him when she believed he was thinking of his father.

“No, I’m fine,” he lied. He quickly sniffled again. This time it was louder and seemed to last longer.

“Sweetie….Cole, I’m sorry. I know that it was hard starting over before, but we wont have to now. Your fa-…” she despised Cole’s father and her former husband. Even after seven years it was still a struggle for her to say his name – even to just say father, which obviously wasn’t Cole’s dad’s name.

“What about dad” Cole shouted. He hated yelling at his mother – especially when she tried helping him. But he thought that she deserved no comfort when she dragged him into another region. Hoenn…

Cole thought the name was stupid. It sounded like the execution to someone that you’d call a hoe. Hoe’s End – Hoenn. Though it was the perfect place for his mother. This was the end to all the running and extra-over-protection in her mind. It was ridiculous.

The car slowed to an average speed. Cole saw no Speed Limit signs, though he guessed that they were on a regular road now. The dirt stopped spewing from beneath the tires, so that backed up the theory. They were getting close. Sounds of children playing outside echoed in the distance. That meant that his new home was only moments away. He let out a distressed sigh, not thinking about his mother hearing that time.

“We are only ten minutes away now, Cole. Could you please put your head into the car? I don’t want anyone thinking that we’re two nut jobs who just got out of the joint.”

Too late, Cole thought. He listened, though, and pulled the rest of his body into the moving van silently. Half of his body was covered in tiny, pepper-patterned dots from the drizzle outside. Droplets of water resided on the top of his ember hair. He sat and waited for the beginning of the rest of his life to begin.

The last ten minutes of his free life ended with an abrupt stop and his mother’s horrible singing.

“We’re here!” she cheered, trying to lighten the mood. They both unbuckled their seatbelts without saying another word and stepped out of the car.

The air felt colder. Cole shivered. He looked at the sky – a large, black cloud now advanced towards them from the north. The stopped, but that only meant that even more was soon to come; a storm was on its way. With the silenced engine of the van, everything was serene, peaceful. Only a few houses were visible. All of them looked the same – tan siding, one large wooden door, and a brown roof. How could anyone like this town?

“Oh this town is simply b-e-a-utiful!” cried his mother.

Figures.

Cole sighed and slumped inside. Despite his anger, he was looking forward to seeing what the new house looked like on the inside. His heavy footsteps were soon joined by soft quick pattering ones. Behind him, his mother carried two brown suitcases.

“Cole! Cole, slow down!” shouted his mother. Her frail figure bustled towards him, both suitcases waving through the air. “Here are your things. Take them upstairs – your room is the first door on the left, and the bathroom is the next door down the hall – in case you have to use it, that is.”

Cole took the suitcases from her and continued towards the house. Once he made it to the door it opened. On the other side a tan man stood with his arms folded across his chest. His faded hair was cropped short on his head. The unappealing color matched his thick mustache right above is upper lip. Cole looked into his eyes – they looked brown through the frustration Cole sensed from him. The wrinkles on his forehead backed up the emotions.

“You say ten o’clock and you arrive forty minutes late. We’ve already finished moving everything and-” before the angry man – who Cole assumed to be the head of the moving company – could continue, Cole shrugged around him. “Where are you going?!” shouted the man.

“I’m not the person you’re looking for,” Cole answered, “the deranged woman is outside.”

Without checking the man’s expression at his remark, Cole quickened his stride across the paneled flooring. Three burly, gray Pokémon bustled around the open room. The entire lower floor was composed of the living room and kitchen, side for a separate enclosed room which Cole assumed to be a bathroom. There were no walls or anything else to separate the kitchen and living room - the only notification was the change in flooring from paneled wood to black-and-white checkerboard tiling. The kitchen (which was only a small space in the corner of the room) did not look to inviting. Cole noticed a few appliances crammed in with the ivory-colored counters. A large stainless steel refrigerator was being cleaned by of the overly muscular Pokémon. It could easily crush the fridge if it pushed on it a little harder; a pretty good Pokémon to have handy. Cole decided to just look up information about it later, after he was used to his new room.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

“Zig! Zigzagoon!”

Outside the arising drama at Littleroot Town, a tiny raccoon Pokémon darted around the overgrown underbrush. Its brown and white zig-zag pattern stood out against the mossy colored shrubs. They rustled as the Pokémon attempted to escape an attacking trainer. Another red and white Pokéball hurtled through the air towards it. The Zigzagoon agilely leapt into the air to avoid the oncoming Pokéball.

“Dammit!” the trainer shouted.

The word sounded oddly vulgar against the teenage girl’s soft-set voice. Her bright pink fingernails curled against her palms in frustration.

That was my fourth time trying to catch that Zigzagoon! This is too hard. I guess I’ll wait and try again tomorrow…it shold be easier once Professor Birch finally gives me my starter.

She slouched her shoulders as she walked into the overgrown grass to pick up her Pokéball and watched as her target made its getaway. Once the Pokéball was back into her hands, she brushed dirt off of her denim jean capris and pink T-shirt from chasing after the speedy Zigzagoon. Her T-shirt had a large Pokéball design in the center with the letters ‘PPU’ overtop of it to represent Pokémon Professor University, the college she planned to attend once she traveled different regions and studied every kind of Pokémon there is.

Her walk home didn’t take long. Littleroot Town was only a short distance south of where she was. The darkening clouds in the sky started letting some rain fall to the ground before they released the full-fledged storm on the town. Her hometown made everything in the world seem at peace. With Route 101 being the only connecting route, not many travelers made their way into the town. Plus, Littleroot was far south of any major city in Hoenn, so no one really took the time to see what was there. She didn’t feel bad for anyone; to be honest, she was glad that people left the town alone. When too many people travel through certain routes it interferes with the wild Pokémon habitats – that was her opinion anyway. Not many different Pokémon were on Route 101 anyway. With Zigzagoon and Poochyena populating the area and an occasional Wurmple making an appearance, not many other species of Pokémon could be found.

When she walked through the clearing and into Littleroot Town she noticed something – a BIG something. Across the street from her house was a gray moving van with dark red rust in large quantities across its storage compartment. She darted past the “Welcome to Littleroot Town” sign towards her house. All in the same second, a firm hand wrapped around her slender arm, abruptly halting her to a stop. She looked in the direction the the hand came from and noticed a guy around her age and height with golden hair.

“Woah there,” he began, “where is pretty little Kira headed?”

She pulled her arm free and made a disgusted grunting sound in the back of her throat.

“Ugh…Dominik, how many times do I have to say ‘LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE’!”

His constant attempts to flirt with her made Kira want to push him down a bottomless well. His clothes didn’t help at all either; purple, skin-tight skater pants and black T-shirts with numerous rock bands advertised on them didn’t exactly turn her on in any way. He was also always bullying kids in the small neighborhood.

“C’mon baby, you know you wanna just let go and go all out with me.”

Dominik curled up the sides of his mouth in a devious smile.

“Ew, Dominik, you’re such a f*gg-”

Before Kira could finish she heard something coming from the area where the moving van had been.

And there you go :)
 
P

purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Me_Love_Eevee!: Mkay, added. Samples should be at least four decent paragraphs long, though, so if you could edit your sample that would be nice. ^^

Zincspider and Buraddo_Aipom, you've both been added to the list. ^^ G'luck!
 
M

Me_Love_Eevee!

Well-Known Member
I edited my samples just like you asked me to. Oh and by the way, thank you for accepting my proposal. :D
 
S

Stabberz

The RPG Godfather
Please can I have a Proof reader / Editor on My Fic : Richie's Hoenn Adventure Please because my Gramar is Atrocius
 
P

purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
Me_Love_Eevee!: No problem. ^^


Stabberz: Please read the first page and use the application form provided.


Note to all: Come tomorrow I'll be away for a week with no computer access, so any updates'll have to wait until after I get back.
 
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pokeking325

Let's do our best.
story title: Pokemon Red, Green, and Blue.
fandom: pokemon
plot summary: A kid name Red is traveling to become the best pokemon trainer in the world.
genre: adventure, action, comedy, suspence.
rating: pg, pg-13
mentor needed: plot, grammar, character.
prior writing experience: I written two fics on bulbagarden, but they were my own creation, and I'm not really good with punctuations, plus on this one I'm having trouble being creative.
prefer mentor: Ysavvryl

sample: this is the chapter i'm havin problems with.


Episode 6: the battles in sidelines.

Red has left Pewter city after winning his boulder badge, but the route to the next gym is full of caves, and mountains; so Red took the bus that goes between Pewter, and Cerulean.

In the middle of a field of trip near Mt. Moon a bus is driving through a crystal clear river. Inside the bus Red is writing a letter to some one.

Letter from Red, to his mom in Pallet town.

“Dear mom how have you been, hope things are okay back home; it’s been a month since I left Pallet, I seen a lot of pokemon, and met a lot of people on the way; I got my first badge by the way. Now I’m just maxing and relaxing on this bus, believe it or not the route to Cerulean is very steep so I just bothered taking this bus, plus me and my pokemon can rest a little bit.”

“I got four pokemon. As you know I have pikachu, and charmander. But I captured two more pokemon, butterfree, and poliwag. I captured butterfree as a caterpie, it evolve into metapod, and butterfree in the same day; that’s a weird occasion.”

“Poliwag I kinda captured it by accident, while I was waiting for the bus in the Pewter bus station, I was eating a burger when this poliwag came from a pond nearby, and it ate my burger. So I wonder I wasn’t gonna eat everything so we share the food, after we finished eating it looked at my belt, and pressed the button in the pokeball and was capture just like that; I know is a weird way to capture a pokemon but it worked.”

That was all Red had to write, he wrote the address and put a pikachu stamp on it. “We’ll wait for the next bus station so that we can mail this” Red looked at pikachu who was sleeping peacefully.

“It’s hard to believe that we’re here calm and cozy, while a few days ago our feet were dying of all that walking” he said to himself as the bus stopped. “Well time to get down” Red got up and went down the bus to look for a mailbox.

The stop looked more like a gas station, there were little children playing near the spring that was nearby, there were thirty year old man talking and smoking together, and there were old ladies talking about their time, and how kids this days don’t value anything they teach them; you know boring stuff. “Here it goes” Red put the letter in the white mailbox and decide to go explore a little; the bus will take 30 minutes before it leaves again.

Red started walking around the forest. “Okay, go poliwag” Red threw poliwag’s pokeball in the air, and it came out wiggling it’s tail. “Pikachu go” Red got pikachu out too, and they both started playing together.

“Well poliwag, show me your water gun” Red ordered pointing to a tree poliwag could fire to.

Poliwag fired a stream of water toward the tree. “Wow, that’s a strong water gun right there, now lets see your bubble beam” Red pointed at the same tree. Poliwag fired a bunch of bubbles from the circle in it’s body, and it was strong enough to destroy the tree. “Wow, you might become a very strong pokemon someday” Red smiled at poliwag and poliwag smiled in agreement.

“Your kidding with a pokemon like that, I would just throw it away” a voice came from the trees. “Who’s there” Red asked preparing to throw another pokeball.

A mysterious kid came out of the trees. The boy had grey hair, white skin, black pants, black sneakers, he had a grey t-shirt, and he had three rings in his right hand.

“I did, got a problem with that” the kid asked smirking. “Yeah, who do you think you are insulting my pokemon” Red got angrier.

“In my case I’m just stating my opinion, that poliwag is a weak pokemon that doesn’t deserves to live” the kid pointed a poliwag who was getting sad. “You little, why do you think your better than me, I got the boulder badge in Pewter city” Red open his badge holder and showed him the badge.

“You gotta be joking, you think that with one badge your stronger than me, specially since I have three badges” The kid opened his own badge holder and it showed three badges on it. “Still, I’m stronger than you no matter what” Red growled at them. “In that case, I’ll show you the power of my nidoking” he threw a blue pokeball with red stripes on the air, and a big dinosaur in purple color appeared. It had a pointy horn, long bunny ears, a big chest, little legs, and it’s teeth were kinda crooked.

“A nidoking lets see what the pokedex says about it” Red opened the pokedex. “Nidoking the big dinosaur pokemon, its horn can reach to the top of a tree, it’s long teeth break anything that fall into it’s mouth, nidokings have to find a nidoqueen so they can reproduce” Red closed the pokedex.

“Okay, pikachu go use thunderbolt” pikachu jumped and fired his newly learned attack; a thunderbolt a big lightning that hit nidoking, the electricity course through out his body, but it didn’t do a lot of damage.

“That was pathetic, nidoking use earthquake” nidoking made the earth shake, and with it’s great power it split the ground making pikachu fall to into the hole.

Pikachu was lucky that it grab a rock nearby but his arm got cut by another rock while it was falling. “Your pikachu is trapped right there, I don’t think it’ll come out soon, by the way, my name is Orlando” Orlando left the forest together with nidoking.

“Orlando eh, I’ll beat you no matter what” Red got pikachu back in his pokeball and went back to the bus stop.

Red got back to the bus stop, he couldn’t forget what Orlando said about his pokemon being weak. “I don’t get it, he beat me with just one move, and he didn’t even hurt my pokemon he just threw pikachu in the ground” Red looked at the bus that was about to leave. “Better get on the bus before it leaves again” Red got in the bus and saw something weird, almost every person wasn’t in it.

“What happened here” Red saw the driver was unconscious on the floor. “Wake up what happened here” Red asked shaking the driver.

“They took the passengers hostage” the driver murmured. “Who took them” Red yelled. “I don’t know, but they said they won’t let them go unless we give them 1,00,000 bucks” the driver said recovering. “Where are they” Red yelled again. “Mt. Moon, you can get there by sundown if you start walking” the driver fell unconscious after that.

“So whoever captured the passengers is in Mt. Moon, well guess I’ll have to go help them” Red got down from the bus, and started walking.

“Am I really strong enough to fight against these guys, when I could barely defeat one person” Red put his head down, getting nervous about going to Mt. Moon alone.

It was night already, Red finally reached Mt. Moon. “Okay lets go in” Red entered the cave he lit his flash light on.

There were a lot of zubats and golbats, but there was nothing else. “Maybe those guys killed the passengers and left” what Red didn’t noticed was that someone was behind it. Red turned around but he couldn’t see well cause he got hit in the back of the head with a rock, his sight fade away, as he fell to the floor unconscious.

“We’ll take care of this kid” the shadow chuckled.

Red just stood there unable to think cause of the rock, but he knew that he was in big trouble.
__________________
lets go to the new adventure
 
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purple_drake

E/GL obsessed
EDIT: I now apparently can't edit the Beta House first post, which means I can't actually add people to the list. <_< So pokeking325, you're not on the list, but I'm aware you've applied; although, you're only allowed to have two mentors at a time (unless you have a comprehensive mentor, then you're only allowed to have one) so in my notes I've only listed you as needing the first two mentors you listed. If you want to choose again and tell me, feel free.

Otherwise, I'll ask one of the mods to update for me or just settle for waiting ... for another week and a half ... and hope the problem is fixed by then.
 
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