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The Beta House

Discussion in 'The Authors' Café' started by bobandbill, Jun 9, 2012.

  1. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    ~*THE BETA HOUSE*~
    Another version!


    This is the new version of the Beta House thread!

    Previous!
    Previous previous! (By purple_drake)

    Going off the old thread's introduction - for anyone new to the thread, the Beta House is a mentoring system for writers, new and advanced, who need help developing or fine-tuning their fics. So if you need help with something big like developing an idea, or just something small like making sure your grammar’s all ironed out, there are people here who would (we would hope! :p) be able to help you.

    If you were on the lists in the previous thread (as a mentor or mentoree) then say so or reapply and you will be readded. But for now we're starting fresh save for the last couple of requests in the old thread.

    If you have any questions, suggestions, updates or insults, feel free to PM me or one of the fanfiction moderators.


    Rules
    Shamelessly similar to the old thread's!


    General:

    Naturally, all rules in the Author's cafe apply here. That said, there’s one big one that deserves re-mentioning:
    1. No spam or off-topic posts are allowed. There are only four reasons why people should be posting in this thread:
      —to apply as a mentor
      —to apply as a mentoree
      —in the case of mentors, to inform me of their status
      —to make a statement or ask a question relating to the thread (the latter of which does not include ‘when do I get a mentor?’ ‘why hasn’t someone picked me yet?’ and any other variation on the same theme). Anything else will be considered spam.
    2. All contact between mentors and mentorees should be through PM and/or email, NOT in the thread. This includes mentorees asking for someone to be their mentor and vice versa.
    3. BOTH mentor and mentoree MUST have agreed to the mentorship before the mentor posts acceptance.
    4. Samples should have a minimum length of four decent-sized paragraphs.

    Mentorees:
    1. Note that the Beta House is NOT the equivalent of spellcheck or grammarcheck. Look over your stuff as best you can before handing it over to your mentor - apply a spell or grammar check by either your word processor (whether that is Word, OpenOffice or so forth) or an online one, and give it a proofread as well. Your story WILL be denied by myself or a fanfiction mod if there is no clear effort shown in your work that you have applied some basic effort to cleaning up and editing/proofreading your story.
    2. Don’t apply unless you’re serious about the story. By ‘serious’ I mean you’ve thought about it, you know where it’s going and/or know you’re going to stick with it.
    3. Please post a sample when possible, even if it’s not a pokémon fic, and if your story exists already on the internet, by all means link to it. An excerpt of the fic you want betaed would be ideal, but if not, a sample of your development would still be useful.
    4. You may PM a mentor about accepting you, but be aware that they have the right to choose mentorees at their own discretion, so please respect their decision.
    5. Given the long list we have atm, one request for a mentor each mentoree only for the time being.
    6. This thread is about guidance, so if you disagree with your mentor you can bring it up with them. Just be polite about it; remember, they are just trying to help you.
    7. Be patient. They’re taking the time to help, so don’t pester them about when they’ll be done with your chapter. That said, if it’s been two weeks or something and you haven’t heard a word, then feel free to give them a poke.
    8. Mentors have the right to drop a story after two warnings to their mentorees if these rules aren’t respected.


    Mentors/Proofreaders:

    First and foremost, do note that you will be 'checked out' before being accepted or denied to be a mentor here. Not just anyone can become a mentor. That said, if you’re applying just because you happen to have time or people have said you’re good at a particular part of writing, you might want to rethink. Willingness only goes so far; experience will go much further. Rules for the mentors and proofreaders are the same, with the exception of Rule 4.
    1. Please, don’t agree to beta a story if you know you won’t have time, motivation, or just don’t want to. It’s a waste of time for everyone involved, which can be better spent elsewhere.
    2. I know life can be busy, but if it’s been a few days, you’ve got a chapter lined up, and you haven’t had a chance to look at it yet or know you won’t get a chance for another couple of days, warn your mentoree it might take a while. If you’re going away or you’re losing your Internet access, then let them know. Your return courtesy for them not bugging the heck out of you.
    3. The default number of mentorees you guys can have at three, but if you wish to take on more or less at a time, by all means include that in your application and it'll be included.
    4. You CAN apply to be a mentoree as well.
    5. On the flipside of the rule for mentorees, yes, you are helping them, but they came to you for it. So be nice, especially if they disagree with you about something and you want to argue the point.
    6. Mentorees have the right to request a new mentor if the one they have doesn’t respect these rules. If the infraction is severe enough and is brought to my attention, you could be taken off the list. So don’t do it, guys.
    Penalties

    You can also be put on probation and removed from the list if someone (such as a reader of their mentoree’s fic) brings it to my attention that they aren’t betaing to standard. If you don’t have time to do it, then warn your mentoree you’re going on hiatus; don’t rush through the beta for the sake of getting it out.

    Applications
    How i get on list???


    Mentorees:
    Story title:
    Fandom (preferably pokémon):
    Plot summary:
    Genre:
    Rating:
    Mentor needed:
    Prior writing experience:
    Preferred mentor (optional):
    Writing sample (optional, but expected):
    Other (optional):

    IMPORTANT NOTE: Under the 'mentor needed' section, people have been saying what areas they're weak in, in terms of writing. The only thing you need to say to answer this section is 'comprehensive mentor' or 'character mentor' or whatever kind of mentor you want; the list of ways in which you need help isn't needed to be mentioned there - you can say that in the Other section.

    Mentors:
    Category (two maximum unless comprehensive):
    Genre specialty (if any):
    Method of contact:
    Proofreader (yes/no):

    Furthermore, link to at least two samples of your writing, specific to whichever category you’re applying for. It doesn’t have to be on this forum; just wherever it’s accessible.

    Additionally, link to a few samples of reviews or beta readings you have made if you have any. Again, it does not have to come from this forum.

    An explanation of certain parts of the application form:

    Genre specialty is, well, kind of self-explanatory. If you specialise in certain fics, such as journeyfics, pokémorph fics, even romance or adventure fics, you can note it on your application and it will be included beside your name on the list. If you want to mentor in that particular genre (that is, help with the refinement of a genre-specific storyline), then there is a new category for genre-specific mentors.
    Method of contact is also self-explanatory. Specify if you want to be contacted through email or PM, and if the former, please leave an email address (which will be placed next to your name on the list, so if you don’t want it public, you might want to hold off until you know who you’re mentoring).
    Aproofreader is similar to a mentor, but is tailored towards more experienced writers who need a second opinion, as opposed to less experienced writers who need a teacher. Anyone who is a mentor can offer additional services as a proofreader, although comprehensive mentors will be automatically placed on the proofreader list unless otherwise stated by the mentor in question.


    The List
    Are YOU on it? It's really cool!





    Mentors:

    One active thus far.


    Comprehensive Mentors:
    [Mentors who are pretty good at all aspects of fiction. Best for very new writers or anyone in need of general help.]

    katiekitten - PM, or live journal. Also a Character and Language Mentor.
    Genre specialty - Tragedy

    Character Mentors:
    [Mentors skilled in character portrayal and development.]

    katiekitten - PM, or live journal. Also a Comprehensive and Language Mentor.
    Genre specialty - Tragedy

    Plot Mentors:
    [Mentors who can help with the development of plot twists, the story climax, and other problems with the storyline.]

    Bay - PMs or VMs, can also do email on request. Also a Fluency Mentor.
    Genre - My strengths are mystery and suspense, but I'm willing to look through anything.


    Language Mentors:
    [Mentors who can help with the fine-tuning of language, including things such as description and dialogue.]

    katiekitten - PM, or live journal. Also a Character and Comprehensive Mentor.
    Genre specialty - Tragedy


    Fluency Mentors:
    [Mentors who can help with chapter length, pacing, scene breaks, and so on.]


    Bay - PMs or VMs, can also do email on request. Also a Fluency Mentor.
    Genre - My strengths are mystery and suspense, but I'm willing to look through anything.


    Genre-specific Mentors:
    [Mentors who offer help with a specific genre, such as journey fics or romance fics.]



    Grammar Mentors:
    [Mentors who can help with ironing out those pesky grammatical errors.]



    Proofreaders:
    Proofreaders are exactly what they sound like: they proofread a work just before it gets published. Unlike mentors, they're not here specifically for the purpose of teaching; they're here for the more experienced writers as a second set of eyes and to offer a second opinion. A proofreader will usually aim to give a general overview of a work, although they may focus on aspects the author particularly wants an opinion on or which they specialise in.


    In Search of Assistance:
    Click the links for the full info on their story and so forth!


    Zoruagible
    "Kyurem's wrath"
    Action/Adventure/Comedy
    PG-13
    Pokemon
    In need of a Comprehensive/Plot mentor

    matt0044
    "Pokemon: The Black & White Adventure and the sequel 02"
    Adventure, comedy, friendship, drama and more
    G
    Pokemon

    C.Goly
    "Carry On, Blissey"
    Pokémon POV/Drama
    PG-13
    Pokemon
    No preference for type of mentor

    Brutaka
    "Through the Thunder and the Lightning"
    Adventure/Fantasy/some romance, but very light, War
    G (maybe higher later)
    Pokemon
    No preference for type of mentor

    DeadlyBraviary∞
    "Pokemon: Moltera"

    Adventure and Drama
    PG-13
    Pokemon
    Description/Character/Proofreader

    LadyLady
    "Jays Journey Through The Henzo Region"

    Adventure
    PG
    Pokemon
    'Description, Developing characters and especially grammar and spelling. Someone to honestly tell me if it's any good really.'

    Gamzee Makara
    "PMD: Knights of the Crown"

    Medieval Sword-and-Sorcery comedy, with a small amount of Romance
    PG-13
    Pokemon
    'Character and/or Style Mentor'


    Cheers to Breezy, purple_drake and Draco Malfoy for their input!
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2014
  2. matt0044

    matt0044 Well-Known Member

    Story title: Pokemon: The Black & White Adventure and the sequel 02.

    Fandom: Pokemon. What else?

    Plot summary: This fic is my adaptation of the games, Pokemon Black, Pokemon White, Pokemon Black 2 and Pokemon White 2 obviously. The storyline for the first series basically follows Hilda, a 14 year old Pokemon Trainer, journeying Unova to enter the League, complete the Pokedex and stop Team Plasma

    The second series (02) follows 16 year old Bunny (my nickname for the BW2 protagonist but her actual game name will be used as her birth name) and her boyfriend (the BW2 rival) journeying Unova and encountering the revived Team Plasma.

    If you have any doubts of this, I guarantee that the actual stories will NOT be carbon copies of the games' storylines and characters. It may be a Trainer Fic but I intend for it to stick out in a good way. Though the majority of their elements will be used, I intend to expand on them and put a twist on certain things.

    Genre: Adventure, comedy, friendship, drama and more. I want to explore the aspects of life be they good or bad.

    Rating: G (particularly young adultish with a mix of cute and heartwarming moments, sad and tearful moment, funny moments, down to Earth moments and tense and strategic action-y moments.)

    Mentor needed: For a Beta Reader, I need someone who's a very frequent regular here with plenty of time to kill when discussing and brainstorming with me via PMs. If you're busy with personal issues at a particular moment, I'll understand and wait for your return if it's very important. You should be willing and interested to work with me and help me with my characters, stories and ideas. Maybe even make your suggestions. Of course, they must be a fan of Generation V and Unova with enough knowledge on it but you probably knew that.

    They also must be flexible with dark, light and thrillingly epic tones since my Trainer fic isn't mature in the sense of nudity, sex and extreme violence or light in the sense of the Pokemon Anime but on the level of epicness like Pokemon Special or Digimon more or less. It's pretty young adultish like Harry Potter or Molly Moon and I plan to give it a sense of an novelized action cartoon with a storyline and standalone stories for the characters as well as elements so all readers of any age can have fun. The characters are written to be gray where they're not perfect in the sense that they makes mistakes like any person would. It's less cliched and shabby than you'd believe but I'll let you be the judge.

    My Beta also needs to be quick to point out any potential mistakes in storytelling and keeping characters consistent. And they like an idea or dislike an idea, they must explain why they thinks so. That's pretty much it.

    Prior writing experience: I'd... rather not talk about them. Too embarrassing.

    Preferred mentor (optional): My Beta needs to be imaginative for this and not take things too seriously all the time. A fun and understanding person. I also have Aspergers Syndrome so if I say something I shouldn't have by accident, please address it kindly so I may apologize.

    So, any volunteers? If I should elaborate on anything, let me know.
     
  3. ChloboShoka

    ChloboShoka Writer

    Mentoree

    Story title: Carry On, Blissey
    Fandom: Pokémon
    Plot summary: Blissey's a matron in the Pokémon Centre of Hearthome City's General Hospital
    Genre: Pokémon POV/Drama
    Rating: PG-13
    Mentor needed: I need a mentor because I don't really have a good eye when it comes to proof reading. I hope to be able to take the criticism on board, learn the experience and use it to improve my overall writing.
    Prior writing experience: I've taken writing as a serious hobby since I was around nine years old. I've written a variety of original stories, fan fiction, poetry, lyrics and reviews. I've also had some poems and short stories published too.
    Preferred mentor: No real preference.
    Writing sample: Here's a scene from Carry On, Blissey
    Other: Hope we get along. :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2012
  4. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Both added to the list.

    What I suppose is really being looked for now are mentors! =p
     
  5. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    Mmm, will be free from exams on the 21st and looking for a part time distraction, so might as well sign up for this again. :3 It's been a while...!

    Mentors:

    Category: Comprehensive, Character, Language.
    Genre specialty: Tragedy (I suppose. xD)
    Method of contact: PM, or live journal.
    Proofreader: Yep. x3

    A little bit about how I work: I'm all about constructive critique. x3 You will get the good points and the bad. <3

    Examples of reviews:

    I don't have any truly comprehensive reviews up here (haven't done one of those in a while) but the reviews below are still relevant. :3

    One - Two

    My writing:

    Nothing particularly recent, unless you include the tidbits thrown into the 'Write a Scene' thread. :3

    One - Two

    Status and Slots

    Only taking on two maximum this time. x3

    - Open -

    1. C.Gholy
    2. -
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2012
  6. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Accepted for all three categories, katiekitten!
     
  7. Brutaka

    Brutaka Ignition

    Well, it was suggested to me that I get a beta reader. My own readers are able to catch some, but there was just oodles of errors that they didn't catch that one of the experienced reviews did. So maybe I can get one now, if this place actually still works :/

    Story title: Through the Thunder and the Lightning
    Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon(Pokemon Mystery Dungeon)
    Plot summary: A deity attempts take care of his problems before they are indeed a problem, but the target teenage boy is instead saved by another power and transformed into a Pokemon. Shortly after waking up as a Pachirisu, he meets a shiny Emolga named April, who he promptly falls in love with. they decide to form a Salvaging Team while at the same time looking for a reason for Shane's, the teenage boy, transformation. Soon they realize that the entire nation is at war with each other as General Z attempts to defeat and over run General R. And all along the way he has to grapple with his feelings for April. Though he has no memories, he knows deep down that a human liking a Pokemon is completely wrong. Even still, pushing the thoughts away from his mind is getting tougher and tougher...
    Genre: Adventure/Fantasy/some romance, but very light/and of course, War
    Rating: G(but I might have to bump that up a smudge for the last two chapters if all goes as planned)
    Mentor needed: Comprehensive would be the best bet.
    Prior writing experience: None, to be honest, but I get high marks on my English assignments and I used to Role Play a bit over on Smogon. I also entered a One-Shot into a contest and the guy who distributes them to the judges anonymously commented that my short story was great, if not the best, he received. Im still waiting on the judges answer though. The One-Shot itself will be posted once the judging is over, regardless of whether I win or not.
    Preferred mentor (optional): Any, I'm not too picky.
    Writing sample (optional, but expected): Here's the Link to the Fan Fic in question, its already got 8 chapters. They get better as they go along, so Chapter 8 is the most recent sample of my skills.
    Other (optional): Nothing really, I just figured I'd get one to look through and catch all the stuff I miss. Writer's Bias keeps me from catching everything so I need a separate pair of eyes.
     
  8. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Added to the list, Brutaka.
     
  9. Deadly.Braviary

    Deadly.Braviary Well-Known Member

    Story title: Pokemon: Moltera
    Fandom: Pokémon
    Plot summary: The adventures of Arron Bradshaw, in my original region: Moltera.
    Genre: Adventure and Drama
    Rating: PG-13
    Mentor needed: Someone who can help me with description and character development AND proofread for errors.
    Prior writing experience: Quite a bit ... check out my profile.
    Preferred mentor: Anybody who can help me!
    Writing sample
     
  10. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Added to the list.

    That said there's not much point with this if there's no more mentors, and there's only two on the list. Don't be shy, other writers!
     
  11. GalladeofSpades

    GalladeofSpades Imaginative 24/7

    I kind of have a question: can we apply as a mentor AND a mentoree?
     
  12. LadyLady

    LadyLady Well-Known Member

    Story title: Jays Journey Through The Henzo Region

    Fandom (preferably pokémon): obviously Pokemon ;)

    Plot summary: Jays just started his journey through the Henzo region on a mission to collect the Henzo gym badges and participate in the upcoming league. However mysterious forces seem to be finding their way onto Jays path.

    Genre: Adventure

    Rating: PG

    Mentor needed: Description, Developing characters and especially grammar and spelling. Someone to honestly tell me if it's any good really.

    Prior writing experience: none of this kind.

    Preferred mentor (optional): anyone who's willing to help :)

    Writing sample (optional, but expected):

     
  13. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Yep:
    Added.
     
  14. GalladeofSpades

    GalladeofSpades Imaginative 24/7

    Mentoree:
    Story title: Total Pokémon Drama: The Island
    Fandom: Crossover between the Total Drama Series and Pokémon
    Plot summary: Twenty-Two trainers have been selected to send one of their prized Pokémon to Challenge, Island, where they will fight for the grand prize of 1,000,000,000 poké, plus a vacation in Undella Town, all expenses paid. Watch as friendships are born, alliances are torn and hormone filled Pokémon hook up like crazy in the bathroom, all on your monitor! Hosted by the lovely legendaries, Jirachi and Deoxys.
    Genre: Comedy, Drama, maybe a hint of romance.
    Rating: PG-14 (I think...)
    Mentor needed: I need both a Character and a Fluency mentor, however, just the former is fine.
    Prior writing experience: I have written many things before, I just really never got around to posting them.
    Writing sample (optional, but expected):
    The screen of your monitor is filled with static. As the static subsides, a small, floating Pokémon appears, next to a very annoyed looking alien Pokémon. The first one has a small, white body, with a curved line on her stomach. On her head is a three pointed yellow hat, with a green wish tag hanging from each corner. From behind her back, two pieces of yellow cloth are spread out. She also has what seems to be make-up bellow both of her eyes.

    The Pokémon next to her was rather tall. Her body was orange and blue, appearing somewhat metallic. Instead of arms, she had four tentacles, two orange, two blue. On her chest was an alcove with some sort of violet jewel encrusted in it. Her eyes were perpetually giving off an angry look. Both her and the little Pokémon next to her had some sort of metallic bracelet around their wrists.

    “Hello!” the small Pokémon yelled enthusiastically. “I’m Jirachi, and with my lovely friend Deoxys-“

    Deoxys scoffed.

    “- we’re going to host the best reality-show you have ever seen. What’s it called? It’s called Total! POKÉMON! DRAMA! The Island…” Jirachi continued as she ignored Deoxys.

    “… You practically begged me to do THIS? For what? To degrade ourselves in front of the world?” The DNA Pokémon asked.

    “Arceus made me do this! You know how she gets when she’s brainstorming to create new legendaries. She needs to see Pokémon suffer.”

    “She promised you some Chocolate Poffins, didn’t she.” It was more of a statement than a question.

    The wishmaker started whistling. Deoxys just sighed. “All right, I’ll play along. Just sneak in some of those Poffins into my room when we’re done with this.”

    Hearing this, Jirachi hugged her co-host. “YES! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

    “Get off me. Now.”
    Other: I really need help on characters because I often fear they get OOC. On Fluency, pacing is a nightmare for me. I appreciate the help.

    Mentor:

    Category: Plot and Language mentor
    Genre specialty (if any): Mystery(especially Murder Mystery), Horror, Comedy
    Method of contact: PM
    Proofreader (yes/no): Yes.

    The first is That Show, my first ever fanfic published here and the second one is Distorted, which a simple horror fic... By my standards, at least.

    Reviews: Scroll down to see them.
     
  15. pokenutter

    pokenutter Warrior of Time

    NOTE: The series has been going for about two years, but I've recently started trying to put out a higher-quality fic. I do not want the previous chapters to be critiqued, but I would prefer that the mentor have read them, thus making it less confusing for them.

    Story title: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Journal

    Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokémon (Specifically, Mystery Dungeon)

    Plot summary: Heath wakes up as a Totodile, with no memory of his previous life. He is given a place to live by Kim, a Charmander. While Heath looks into the strange visions he has of an event that occurred long ago at a place called Temporal Tower, a threat rises in the form of the sun appearing to go out.

    Genre: Adventure

    Rating: High G-Low PG

    Mentor needed: CHaracter and Fluency

    Prior writing experience: I've written various fanfics for almost five years, ost of which can be found on my deviantART. MD Journal is the one I've been the most serious about, though, and it currently has 16 chapters to its name.

    Writing sample (optional, but expected):

    Last night, Julius spent a good portion of his time recovering. Eventually, he was conscious enough to realize where he was, and who had rescued him. After that, he completely shut down. He wouldn’t speak to Kim or I, and avoided eye contact. Eventually, Kim and I just left him to fall asleep on his own.

    I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to spend an extended amount of time closed in a house with him. He seemed to be taking his grudge to unreasonable extremes, and I didn’t want to endanger either him or myself.

    “Look, Kim, maybe it’s a better idea if-”

    Kim silences me with a glare.

    “One- I’m a fire-type. I can create fire using nothing but my breath. I’ll survive outside a lot longer than the two of you will. Two- bringing Julius in was your idea. Three- you said yourself that you wanted to bury the hatchet. Why not spend some time trying to talk to him? Bottom line, you have every reason to say behind while I run errands. Is that understood?”

    Her words become harsh near the end, and I think she notices. She immediately backs off, and smiles nervously.

    “Sorry, running on far less sleep than you are. Remember, I kept the fire burning after you and Julius passed out.”

    I can see where she’s coming from, but I still don’t like it. I’m about to tell her as much, before she pokes at the fire once more, and the light almost flickers out.
     
  16. shadow_zoroark

    shadow_zoroark Think They Saw Us?

    Story title: [Unknown as of now due to the fact as i'm aweful at naming my stories]
    Fandom (preferably pokémon): Pokemon
    Plot summary: Two teenagers and one's little sister have lived in a sheltered city there whole life, everyone in the city believes the world of pokemon is happy and carefree, and willingly send their children out to become "Pokemon Masters". Upon leaving the city, they find an utterly different world, one harsh and cruel. With the occasional help from an old family friend and a met woman-of-ill-repute, an odd pair of twin Ninetails, and opposed by a currently unnamed group, they start off in an attempt to defeat the gym leaders and face the Elite 4 & Champion, but they soon learn surviving is harder than expected. (I'm sorry if it sounds like it's full of cheese >>>.<<<)
    Genre: Action/Adventure/Suspense/Tragedy
    Rating: R (rating just for safety, i will use gory scenes and some swearing)
    Mentor needed: Plot mentors
    Prior writing experience: written several unpublished short stories
    Preferred mentor (optional): none
    Writing sample (optional, but expected):
    A smile crossed my face as the pokeball shifted in my hands, growing larger, big enough to fit my hand, but not too big to fall out.
    Go Ampharos! I thought, my thumb shifting and all within a second, a red light flashed and my prized pokemon formed in front of my eyes to face my opponent's Espeon, its well groomed fur glistening in the light of the stadium.
    "Espeon, use Double Team." Richard's voice growled through clenched teeth as his pokemon nodded quickly in reply, it appeared to split, one Espeon coming from another, first it had two tails then its fur twisted and curled as it split as well, creating a duplicate of itself. CRACK! a gust of wind coming from Espeon created an earsplitting burst of sound, causing me to blink, opening my eyes i realized that not only Amparos was surrounded, but I was as well. Thoughts rushed and flooded through my mind, and my neck went into overdrive as my eyes tried to figure out why we where surrounded. He can't do this. Weren't pokemon supposed to stay in the arena?? He should be disqualif-
    "Espeon, Psybeam!" My thoughts where cut short as hundreds of visible waves, varying in color and pattern, shot towards Ampharos and me. My head shot back looking for a break in the beams when a metal ball wretched into my gut, launching me into the air. Tears of pain filled my eyes and I blinked just a few of them out in time to see the last of the repeated Psybeams pierce through Ampharos, with its solid, glistening metal tail locked in place.
    Other (optional): I'm in need of help with a beginning, besides grammar, it's my largest roadblock in writing. If I can find a way to launch my story strongly, I can keep the ball rolling.
     
  17. matt0044

    matt0044 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to bump this but I still need a Beta and I'm desperate as hell. Here's an outline of Chapter 1 if anybody's interested.

    [SPOIL]Chapter 1: Little White Lies

    Upon reaching Hilda’s bedroom door, her mother, Helga, knocks on the door and tells Hilda to wake up. She opens the door to go inside and ask again but Hilda groggily responds to have five more minutes. Even on a day like this, her 14-year-old daughter was not at all a morning person and before 8 AM at the very least, she was lost in Snoozeville, Population: her. Helga and Minnie, their pet Minccino, exchange smirks over such an obvious lie and get a mischievous idea to really get Hilda up and at ’em. Helga whispers in Minnie’s ear and the Chinchilla Pokemon quietly make her way to Hilda’s bed. Her daughter is in her pink pajamas with her long brown hair let down, laying on her left side with the covers partially over her and her body nearing the bed’s edge for tossing and turning.

    Helga winks mischievously at Minnie who gets the idea. Minnie leaps onto the lower-end of the bed where Hilda’s feet were exposed and used her fluffy tail to tickle the soles, giggling in delight. Feeling the sensation, Hilda’s eyes shoot open and she spazes out, accidentally kicking Minnie off the bed and rolling off the bed’s edge herself. Helga tries to stifle her giggles as she says good morning to Hilda getting up from the floor, wide-awake. Hilda, frowning over her rude awakening and red in the face, steps up to chastise her mother and Minnie for tickling her awake when they promised not to anymore since she was ten. Helga says she’s sorry, claiming she couldn’t help herself with Minnie admitting she deserved that kick. Hilda merely pouts in response. Her mother could be more of a best friend than a parent but she could be a little too playful sometimes.

    Helga takes the gift box out and presents it to Hilda, hoping it serves as a better apology. Hilda’s eyes widen as she gasps in amazement and takes the box, shocked that the Pokemon already came earlier than expected. Opening the box’s lid, she finds three Poke Balls in it as expected and her smile widens. Hilda embraces her mother in a hug out of sheer joy, saying how she’s finally a Pokemon Trainer. She simmers down to say how she would’ve got up if her mother said so in the first place. Helga claims that she wanted to have a little fun before her little girl leave home on her journey. Hilda sees her mother’s face becoming slightly somber so she tries to cheer her by saying how Minnie will keep her company and she herself be the best Trainer for her Pokemon team. After all, she learned from the best, which really makes Helga smile. Not wanting things to get so mushy, Hilda changes the subject by asking when Cheren and Bianca will arrive just as the doorbell rings. Helga says she’ll show their guests in while Hilda gets dressed and her daughter agrees to this, starting to look for clothes to wear.

    Helga makes her way downstairs with Minnie to open the front door and let in Bianca Whitley and Cheren Blakely, Hilda’s best friends. Minnie tells them to remove any and all footwear before entering and the two houseguests do so, knowing how mad the Minccino could get. Helga comments on how early they are and Bianca chipperly says they got up early because they just couldn’t wait until she got her Pokemon. Cheren calls her out on her lie as he and her father had to practically drag Bianca out of bed kicking and screaming and they were lucky he got up early. Bianca defensively says she would’ve gotten up in five minutes and she hates how they carried her to which Cheren says he highly doubts. He turns to ask Helga where Hilda is. Helga says she’s getting dressed and the starter Pokemon are already here. Cheren is amazed at how everyone’s so early today. Helga asks about Bianca’s father, Bennet, and Cheren’s father, Nigel. Bianca explains how her dad was so emotional as he saw his daughter off, not that she blames him entirely. Cheren says how he couldn’t catch his dad in time since he had to go to a meeting at Aspertia City’s Pokemon Trainer School. His mother at least helped him pack though.

    Bianca eagerly asks if they can pick a starter Pokemon already just as Hilda makes her way downstairs with the gift box, all dressed at last. Hilda and Bianca hug each other affectionately while Cheren merely say “hi” not one to be all touchy, feely. He also asks Hilda if she’s really going to wear such short daisy dukes since it’s not that hot out. Hilda teases him by asking if they’re not short enough but Cheren, seeing her trick, warns her, “don’t even start!” Wanting to cut to the chase already, Hilda leads everybody to the living room where she sits on the couch with Bianca and Cheren sitting beside her. Helga says she’ll go make breakfast as she heads to the kitchen while Minnie stays with the Trainers to decontaminate the new arrivals if need be. Bianca decides to go ahead and opens the box to select a Poke Ball. She finally settles on the one that’s labeled “Tepig” and presses the white button that has the Poke Ball grow and unlock itself. Gulping hard, Bianca calls out for Tepig to come out and the Poke Ball opens up in half to let out blue-white energy that leaps down to the floor, becoming Tepig, the Fire Pig Pokemon.

    Hilda compliments on Bianca’s choice but Cheren says he’s not big on fire-types. The Starter Pokemon takes a look at his new surroundings when Minnie, being the neat freak she is, inspects Tepig for any griminess or germs (much to his bewilderment) and he checks out. Bianca get off the couch to moves in closer to see her starter curiously, squatting down to make eye contact. Smiling, he asks in his species’ language if Bianca is his Trainer. He gets his answer in the form of Bianca scooping him up to hug his warm body up to her chest, squealing how cute he is. Tepig, though surprised, is appreciative of the affection and says it’s nice to meet her too, liking her already. Cheren stifles a laugh to quip how that’s one way to make a first impression as he takes a Poke Ball for himself. The one that’s labeled “Snivy” is enlarged so Cheren can call for his Pokemon. The blue-white energy is unleashed and it forms into Snivy, the Grass Snake Pokemon, who stands on the table. Minnie is quick to lash out at Snivy for standing on the table she recently cleaned but the snooty Pokemon retorts, saying she can always clean it again. Minnie grits her teeth while Snivy turns to Hilda and Cheren, asking as to which one of them is his Trainer.

    Cheren says he is but Snivy finds it hard to believe, given how “pale” and “scrawny” he looks. Cheren isn’t sure what he said but can tell it wasn’t very kind. Hilda says it was blunt and awfully judgmental but optimistically says how they have something common already. Cheren doesn’t share her sense of humor and brushes it off. With one Poke Ball left, Hilda takes the one labeled “Oshawott” as her own and lets the Sea Otter Pokemon out to see for all to see. Oshawott looks around himself with a look of unsureness as Hilda goes over to introduce herself to the little guy with a smile. She says it’s nice to meet him at last and hopes he had a safe trip. Oshawott bows instinctively, saying it’s nice to finally meet his Trainer and Hilda compliments him on his cute courtesy, making him blush and smile.

    Minnie gives Oshawott a mean look, making him feel uncomfortable, and says that she’ll have her eyes on him before tiptoeing away. Hilda tells Oshawott not to mind her as she can be a bit on-edge with cleanliness. She reaches out her hand for Oshawott to shake as a sign of their new friendship, looking forward to working with him along with other Pokemon. Oshawott puts out his digit-less arm to shake on it, having a very good feeling about this girl. Helga tells the gang that breakfast will be almost ready and suggests that they get to know their starters by practicing moves in the backyard. The three Trainers and their Pokemon decide to do just that.

    *Outside in the backyard, Hilda (now wearing black shoes with pink laces) has set up three targets for the starters to each display their moves. Bianca and Tepig go first as the bubbly blonde encourages her Pokemon to show off whatever move he has to surprise her. Not wanting to disappoint his Trainer, Tepig concentrates to amplify his fire-type power in his body and dashes off like a fiery comet (literally too) to hit the target, putting a big, smoking dent in the bull’s-eye. Hilda and Cheren are blown away while Oshawott cheers on Tepig with Snivy sniffing at it, having seen it plenty of times. Bianca congratulates Tepig on a great Flame Charge and tells him to keep it up. Tepig snorts in through his nostrils to gather power and shoots fiery snot at the target, charring it some more. Cheren’s put off by the “snot” aspect of the Ember attack while Hilda says they’re not always boogers. To finish things off, Tepig runs back and charges forth to Tackle the target, snapping it off the post. Bianca apologizes but Hilda says they’re pretty much disposable.

    Snivy, itching to get a move on, tells Cheren to watch as he goes to the second target on the left so he can display his moves. Snivy has two vines reveal themselves from his shoulders and whips the target many times (Vine Whip) hard to create multiple dents in them with a hole in the bull’s-eye. He then goes for the “coup de grace” and jumps high in the air over the target to spin in the air, creating a small green cyclone, known as Leaf Tornado, to wreck the target even more. Cheren praises Snivy who smugly acts all high and mighty much to Tepig and Oshawott’s chagrin. Hilda gets pumped up and tells Oshawott to show his stuff. Oshawott gulps and begins to step forth with Snivy telling him to break a leg with a hint of snide.

    Oshawott breathes in to gather power and blast a column of water from his mouth, known as Water Gun, at the target, hitting the bull’s-eye with a major dent and bending the post a bit. He follows up with a Tackle and hits the target with his body, making the post bend only for it to bend back into place with Oshawott falling to the ground. Everyone laughs at such slapstick but Oshawott gets upset at his embarrassment and takes his Scalchop from bellybutton. Concentrating his water-type power, he forms an Aqua Saber and charges at the target with a loud battle cry. With a single clean vertical slash, Oshawott makes the saber disappear as the target splits in half and returns the Scalchop to his bellybutton. Everyone is impressed, including Snivy even if he doesn’t admit it, and Hilda goes up to Oshawott to praise him on such a cool execution of her Razor Shell attack.

    Oshawott bashfully smiles, saying it was nothing. Hilda says that if he’s this good now, she can only imagine what he’d do in real battle. Oshawott freezes slightly upon hearing this and makes a worried look on his face, prompting Hilda to ask what’s wrong. Not wanting to set off any alarms, he says he’s okay and looks forward to really showing his stuff in their first battle. Snivy rolls his eyes at such a blatantly transparent lie with Tepig feeling a bit concerned for his fellow starter. Though sensing something a tad amiss, Hilda shrugs it off as Helga calls for them all for breakfast in the Kitchen. With stomachs to fill, the Trainers and their Pokemon make haste but not before Minnie gives them a good washdown.

    *Hilda, Helga, Cheren and Bianca sit at the table to eat their food and talk while Snivy, Tepig and Oshawott sit on the floor to eat special Pokemon food out of their bowls. Tepig says energetically how they sure lucked out on some cool Trainers and says how he already likes Bianca a lot. Snivy says that Cheren is good so far but less than he had expected in a deadpan tone. Oshawott, in high spirits, says that Hilda seems like a great person and can’t wait to see how great a Trainer she really is. Snivy sniffs and says how she won’t with Oshawott’s never-ending losing streak when Oshawott begins to protest. Snivy says he knows it’s true and once Hilda finds out in due time, Oshawott will be discarded like common trash for their own good. Oshawott insists that Hilda would never do such a thing but Snivy points out how he and her only knew each other for an hour at most. Oshawott tries to say something back but sees that Snivy has a good point.

    Hilda seems very psyched to become a Trainer and is in it to win battles clearly. With his persistent losing streak, who was to say that after six losses in a row Hilda wouldn’t realize how Oshawott is ill suited for battle and let him go as soon as possible? He could easily imagine her saying, “Sorry Oshawott, I’m afraid it’d be pointless to keep you when you lose every battle. You’re on your own, pal. It’s for the best of both of us.” Scary thing was that it seemed very likely to happen. Snivy says he told him so but Tepig tells the Grass Snake that enough is enough. Minnie asks with concern if this is a regular occurrence with Tepig saying it is but it’s nothing that can’t be handled. Hilda, on the other hand, was too into a conversation to notice the starter’s squabbling.

    Helga checks her X-Transceiver to see that they have at least an hour or so before they’re expected at the lab so they better hurry up. Hilda hears this and remembers something important; cursing how little time there is as of now. She tells Oshawott to eat whatever food he has left and fast before doing so herself. Cheren and Bianca try to tell her there’s no real need to rush but Hilda is in too much of a rush to listen. After she cleans up her plate, she can leave the table in haste with Oshawott right behind her and go out through the front door. Oshawott asks where they are going as Hilda takes a small square container from her left pocket, saying that he’ll see soon enough. Opening the container, she select a “Size H, Serial No. 738” Capsule from ten other capsules and pushes a button on top of it before tossing it to the ground. It bursts into a cloud of smoke that lifts to reveal a bicycle in its place.

    Hilda takes Oshawott to put him in the basket and gets on, warning him to hang on tight before riding off. She goes around the corner and heads down the street straight to the entrance leading into the West Wood of Nuvema. Hilda rides her bike onto the dirt path as Oshawott asks why they are in the woods. Hilda insists that it’s a surprise as she turns onto a smaller path. She checks her X-Transceiver to see that there’s still enough time as she stops the bike in a small but wide clearing. She disembarks as she puts the kickstand up and takes Oshawott out of the basket. The Sea Otter Pokemon, still in the dark, asks if Hilda will now tell him why they’re here when Hilda yells at the top of her lungs, “HEY, YOU GUYS!!!!!” to seemingly no one in particular. Oshawott jumps at this and Hilda turns to tell him that he’s about to get his answer in a very chipper tone.

    After a few seconds of silence, a rustling sound is heard, as it gets closer until a wild Watchog leaps from the trees to tackle Hilda as she turns to face him in time. She’s pinned down to the ground but isn’t too hurt while Oshawott is taken completely by surprise, his mouth agape. He goes to see if his Trainer is alright as Hilda pushes off the Watchog to get up and insist that she’s friends with the wild Pokemon. Watcher the Watchog introduces himself to the squirt and asks if Oshawott is Hilda’s first Pokemon. Oshawott says he is and bows, saying it’s nice to meet a friend of his Trainer’s. Hilda says that Watcher’s not the only forest friend of her’s just as Herdier comes charging straight out of the bushes to tackle her as well. Oshawott, once more, is shocked by this and nearly jumps out of his skin. Pinned to the ground again, Hilda is given affectionate but slobbery licks to the face as the Herdier expresses how happy he is to see her.

    Watcher helps get Herdy off of Hilda so he doesn’t get too friendly but Herdy takes offense to that remark, asking what he’s implying. Oshawott calms down and introduces himself to the new arrival. Herdy does the same and is glad to finally meet the very first Pokemon Hilda chose. Oshawott asks if Hilda’s hurt at all but she insists that she’s use to it and they hold back for her sake. She gets back up only to be pushed back down by a Lillipup and a Patrat who then proceed to bounce up and down excitedly on her backside while cheering that Hilda’s here. Watcher and Herdy get their little brother, Patrick, and sister, Lilly, off of Hilda who gets up to say that’ll be enough surprise attacks for the day.

    Just then, two Sewaddle swing on a String Shot from trees on opposite sides in attempt to slam into Hilda. She swiftly moves out of the way to let Sue and Addle smack into each other before they drop to the ground comically. Everyone laughs at the Sewaddle sisters who both complain to Hilda for embarrassing them. Hilda apologizes and introduces them to her starter Pokemon, Oshawott. Everyone gathers around with Oshawott as the center of attention, making him slightly nervous. Hilda formally introduces Oshawott to her pals from the woods, Watcher, Herdy, their siblings, Patrick and Lilly, and the Sewaddle sisters, Sue and Addle. She asks where Pidove is but Watcher assumes he’s running behind or over sleeping again. Lilly and Patrick ask where Bianca and Cheren, whom they’re fond of the most, are but Hilda says she left in such a rush so they’ll be here in a few minutes at least.

    Oshawott notices their banter and pops the question as to how she can talk with them. Hilda had spoken to him before but he figured that she was guessing what he was saying. Watcher surprised that he just caught on and explains that Hilda has the ability to understand what Pokemon say as though they’re all speaking the exact same language. Hilda confirms this, saying it’s like have an automatic translator in her head and she was able to make friends with a lot of woodland Pokemon even since she was ten years old. Her mother, Helga, has this ability too. Oshawott is speechless for lack of a better term. Hilda adds how she’d live in town but whenever she could, she’d go to the woods to play with her friends. They were almost like her second family in a way and Cheren and Bianca would sometimes join too as well as her mother.

    Wide-eyed and curious about the newcomer, Lilly and Patrick go over to probe Oshawott with questions: How tough he is, how many battles he won and what it’s like to live in a laboratory. Oshawott stumbles over his words as they come in all at once before Hilda tells the two tykes to not swarm the little guy as he’ll answer when ready. Herdy says that he too is curious as to how tough Lab Pokemon are but Watcher sniffs and says that it can’t beat the great outdoors. Oshawott is provoked by this to tell Watcher that he himself is plenty strong for a Lab Pokemon if that’s what he’s implying. Watcher asks how many battles he won and Oshawott hesitates before stating he won fifteen in a row, wanting to make a good first impression. This impresses Hilda, Watcher and everyone else, making Oshawott feel good from the praise he’s receiving.

    He goes onto say that he and the other starters stage battles with the Professors and other lab workers. He’d make sure to put effort into his moves even if it was just practice and it’d all pay off handsomely. Lilly and Patrick are especially in awe, being the impressionable youngsters they were. Hilda is glad to know she picked a real go-getter but warns Oshawott not to let it go to his head too much. Oshawott smiles upon receiving Hilda’s approval but feels a tad bad for lying. Watcher says that he’d like to take a crack at Oshawott who gulps and says that he’d like to some other time. Luckily, Hilda agrees as she’s saving their first battle for the laboratory.

    Just then, everyone hears footsteps approaching and turn to see Helga, Cheren and Bianca along with Minccino arriving at last (Snivy and Tepig are resting in their Poke Balls). Lilly and Patrick scamper off to see Bianca and Cheren, their close friends, respectively while Minccino greets her old friends from when she lived in the forest. In the midst of the various chatter and interactions, Helga tells her daughter that she’d like to battle her so she can be reassured that Hilda’s truly ready to be a Trainer. Hilda is more than happy to grant her mother such a request but Oshawott is unable to share the feeling, gulping and going blue in the face. He tries to persuade his Trainer against it by reminding her of their check-up battle at the lab but to no avail.

    Hilda says that she has decided that her first battle will be with the one who raised her and helped her become a Trainer immensely. She states that she owes it to her mother at the very least but hopes that Oshawott doesn’t have too much of a problem with it. Not wanting his Trainer to worry, Oshawott says he’s okay with it if Hilda’s okay with it with a smile while hiding the immense feeling of anxiety welling up within him. He had dug his own grave and all that was left to do was to bury himself with his own dirty lies. It would’ve happened sooner or later but he would’ve preferred later if anything.

    *In a matter of minutes, Helga and Minnie stand on one side of the battlefield opposite of Hilda and Oshawott while Bianca, Cheren and the woodland Pokemon sit on the sidelines to spectate. Snivy and Tepig are out of their Poke Balls so they can watch as well. Hilda is super pumped for her first ever Pokemon battle and tells Oshawott to get ready to win. Trying to hide his anxiety the best he can, Oshawott fakes enthusiasm and says he’ll do his very best. When not facing Hilda, he gulped harder than ever and sweats like a Tepig. He rationalizes that maybe since Minnie hates griminess, she won’t be so great of a battler, giving him a chance to win. Or so he desperately prays is the case.

    Tepig hopes that Oshawott can win this but Snivy sneers snootily and says he doubts it but either way, it’s something he has to see, anticipating the inevitable failure. Helga courteously allows Hilda to have the first move and accepting it, Hilda takes a deep breath to compose herself the best she can and asks Oshawott if he’s ready. Knowing it’s crunch time, Oshawott takes a deep breath like her and tries his best to be as stoic as possible, saying he is ready. She orders Oshawott to blast Minnie with a Water Gun attack, hoping to strike quick from long-range. Oshawott takes in a deep breath while building up power before finally spewing out a concentrated column of water at Minnie.

    Helga tells Minnie to jump and use her Swift attack during the build up. The Chinchilla Pokemon makes good on that order and leaps into the air just before the blast of water can hit her, letting it pass beneath her. While in the air, she powers up her tail for an attack and makes a backflip to whip her tail, launching a bunch of energized star-shaped projectiles. Oshawott instinctively reacts to this by holding his strong Scalchop in front of him but the stars hit his head dead on, causing him to drop his shell. Helga then tells Minnie to Tickle Oshawott and upon hearing this, Hilda gets frantic in ordering Oshawott to use Razor Shell. Oshawott hurries to get his Scalchop from a few feet away but with his back turned, Minnie takes this opportunity to run at him and latch onto him from behind.

    Oshawott’s bare belly is tickled by Minnie’s tail, making him giggle and drop his defenses. Hilda puts her palm up her face in embarrassment but tells Oshawott to try and shake Minnie off when Helga then tells Minnie to Tailslap Oshawott. Minnie gets off Oshawott who’s panting from laughing so much and uses her tail like a whip to repeatedly strike her foe until he’s unable to battle. Oshawott falls front first to the ground hurt all over much to Hilda and the spectators’ shock at such a fast loss. Only Snivy sniffs and says that he called it. Helga apologizes sincerely for going overboard as her last battle was so long ago and offers to give Hilda a rematch. Hilda says that she’d rather not due to the time when she sees Oshawott up and solemnly placing his Scalchop back on his belly.

    She goes over to kneel down to Oshawott who feels worse than ever and too sad to face her. Hilda tries to comfort him by saying that there’s still room for improvement and always next time. Oshawott is reminded of Snivy’s words back in the kitchen, causing his eyes to well up with tears he can’t hold back. Hilda is shocked by this and insists that he doesn’t have to cry over losing this one match. Sniffing and crying, Oshawott says that this wasn’t just one match, confessing that he never won a single battle before and that he lied to not upset her. He goes on to claim how he’ll never ever improve because he’s a pathetic weakling and always will be as he sobbed on.

    Everyone exchanges looks of discomfort and unsureness due to the sudden heavy atmosphere. Even Snivy holds his tongue out of a rare instance of decency. Seeing he needs to cry it out alone, Hilda tells Oshawott to return to his Poke Ball and after wiping some tears of his face, he does so. The return beam changes him into energy and pulls him back into the ball. Feeling responsible, Minnie apologizes insistently but Hilda says it wasn’t at all her fault as she hadn’t had a clue. Helga expresses her condolences and hopes that Oshawott will be okay in no time. Hilda, gazing at the Poke Ball solemnly, hopes so too.

    *After bidding a fond farewell to her Pokemon friends of the woods, Hilda, her mother and her friends returned to her house where Helga offered to drive them to the laboratory. They soon take off but Hilda says nothing on the way as she stares into space, deep in thought. Normally, she wouldn’t have been able to contain herself with excitement but now she is pre-occupied by Oshawott’s breakdown and wondering what to do. Leaving her well enough alone, Cheren asks Bianca if her brother contacted her recently. Bianca says she did last night but it was a brief call as though he was in a rush to do something. She goes onto say how he can be a pain in the neck and a jerk but she worries about him, not knowing what he’s been doing at this work for two years. Helga tries to reassure her that he’s probably doing something important whatever it may be and he’ll hopefully turn up.

    Just the new station on the radio begins to report on the increase of Trainers having their Pokemon stolen or almost stolen by unknown culprits in the last month or two. It goes onto say that INTERPOL is assessing the situation with a recommendation for Trainers to keep their Pokemon close by and be very cautious of suspicious characters. Bianca shivers and says how scary this all is and Cheren agrees, saying that’s putting it mildly. Helga also scowls with discomfort when she hears Hilda ask to let her off at the playground up ahead. Figuring it has to do with Oshawott, Helga agrees to this and stops at the playground. Before Hilda gets out, Helga gives her daughter a baseball cap from the compartment as a memento on her journey. Hilda thanks her as she puts it on and leaves the car. Cheren and Bianca wish her luck as Helga drives off with them to the laboratory.

    Hilda sees an ice cream vendor nearby and figures that it could possibly cheer up Oshawott. She goes over to greet the vendor who recognizes Hilda from a few years back and asks what she’ll have. Hilda tells him to hold on a second as she calls for Oshawott to come out from his Poke Ball. The Sea Otter Pokemon does so and shows that he isn’t crying anymore but is still in low spirits, as he says nothing, fearing what his Trainer has in store for him. Hilda tells Oshawott that she thought some ice cream would do them both some good and that he can have any flavor. Oshawott makes a face of bewilderment, as he wasn’t expecting something like this and wonders if he’s even in any trouble at all.

    Hilda tells the vendor that she’ll have a chocolate cone and asks Oshawott what he’ll have. Oshawott is unsure as to why Hilda doesn’t seen upset at him but says that he’ll have a vanilla cone anyways. The vendor serves them both up what they ordered and decides to move onto some children playing nearby. Hilda leads Oshawott to a bench where they sit down to rest (Oshawott having to jump up onto it) and she hands him his vanilla cone so they can dig in. Oshawott gets a brain freeze and yelps as he holds his head in agony. Finishing her cone, Hilda tells him to calm down and wait until it goes away as panicking makes it worse, putting her hand on his head. Eventually, it dissipates and Oshawott sighs in relief before laughing that little escapade off with Hilda.

    Hilda says how she’s glad that he’s perking up more, which gets Oshawott to ask if she really isn’t upset at him since he did lie and confess to be weak. Surprised by this, Hilda asks why he would think she’d punish him for that as she knows Oshawott never meant to hurt anyone and didn’t. She adds that she’d not at all so uptight that she’d be majorly ticked off by something like that. She then says that she’d like to know why Oshawott was sobbing so much and claiming that he’d never improve. Oshawott is hesitant to explain but Hilda reassures him that she will not be mean to him and just want to help as his Trainer.

    Oshawott decides to spill the beans and start from the beginning. He explains how during training, Snivy and Tepig would defeat him almost about every time. Tepig was easier but lost to him more than he could win and Snivy was a whole other story. He could refine his moves outside the battlefield but could hardly win during sparring. Plus, Snivy always had a snide comment or two to kick him while he was down and out. He says that he didn’t mean to lie but he wanted to make a good first impression and even if it wasn’t true, he liked being praised for his battles.

    When Hilda asks why he was crying and claiming that he’d never improve in battle, he blurts out that it’s true. He explains has never even won a handful of battles and at this rate, he won’t even evolve into Dewott. He was so sad because Hilda would soon get fed up with his losing streak and let him go. Hilda asks him as to what makes him so sure that he can never improve when she’s barely been his Trainer. Oshawott repeats how he was a screw-up in battles at the lab and trying to train him could very well be a waste. Hilda however says that it could very well be worth every second but they’ll never know until they try. After all, Oshawott’s still young and she’s just a beginner so they can’t be the very best from the get-go.

    She says how she intends to conquer the Pokemon League and she doesn’t plan on giving up on any Pokemon on her team. As far as she’s concerned, any Pokemon can go from weak to powerful if given the chance and a Trainer willing to help them get there. Oshawott, bewildered by such determination, asks if she really means every word she said. Hilda confirms this and goes onto say that she likes Oshawott and they could be great friends. Even if he’s not able to become champion material, she wouldn’t hate him at all for such. Hilda apologizes for sounding so sappy but couldn’t find any other way of putting it.

    Oshawott, still having his doubts, asks if she really can make him into a skilled Pokemon worthy of a Champion. Hilda says that she’s confident enough to try but will do so only if Oshawott’s willing to give it a shot, putting out her hand to shake on it while beaming her brightest smile. Oshawott hesitates for a second, still unsure, but when he remembers what Hilda said, he feels like she really means every word. He may’ve only known this girl for a short while but it seemed like he could truly trust her. With all that, he plucks up enough courage to smile and put ‘er there.

    He says that he’s now more than willing to try and trusts Hilda that she’ll help him become a great battler like he always wanted. Hilda says she most certainly will but adds that there’ll be five more Pokemon on their teams so he won’t be alone. Hilda gets up from the bench and says that it’s fine time that they head to lab as soon as possible when she remembers something. She asks Oshawott as to what his fourth move is since they’ll be battling soon, making him blush and says that he’d rather not. Hilda asks why as she really wants to know to plan for their battle. Oshawott decides to show her only if she doesn’t laugh and shows it to her. Hilda tries to stifle a laugh, which Oshawott then calls her out on. She apologizes as she couldn’t help it but then gets an idea for the battle…[/SPOIL]

    If this got your attention, then PM me if your interested.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2013
  18. Gamzee Makara

    Gamzee Makara PoKé TrEk

    Story title:pMD:Knights of the Crown

    Fandom (preferably pokémon):pokémon

    Plot summary:In a medieval-style world of Pokémon, a lone goth girl is reincarnated into the form of a Hawlucha via a shiny hole between dimensions, and, due to the ancient prophecies surrounding Pokémon claiming to be humans(A drunken old Azumarill's ramblings after using Future Sight), is put to work as a squire to Sir Gallade the Chivalrous, Condescending and Thoroughly Sexist, by Queen Blissey XIII, mistress of the Egg Sword(a giant egg shell)...but in the shadows, an unknown enemy plots to seize both the crown and Hawlucha's heart, body, soul and cloaca, due to her materializing with a mysterious gilded sword inscribed with the symbol of Arceus...or just a giant painted metal novelty spork with an old-fashioned egg timer painted on it...

    Genre:Medieval Sword-and-Sorcery comedy, with a small amount of Romance

    Rating:pG-13 for mild swearing, violence, and suggestive themes

    Mentor needed:Character and/or Style Mentor

    Prior writing experience:None in this Genre

    Writing sample (optional, but expected):

    A hole in the fabric of time and space opens on the shores of Angel Wharf, NC.

    A lone teen, driven by curiosity and a thirst for apple juice, enters.

    What follows will question all of her preconceptions of reality...and berry preferences.

    Other (optional):i will post alonger writing example if needed...also, can't wait to get started!
     
  19. Hakajin

    Hakajin Obsessive Shipper

    Story Title: Pokemon Generations [Working Title]

    Fandom: Pokemon

    Genre: Action/Adventure; Romance

    Rating: PG

    Mentor Needed: To be honest, I'm not really looking for a mentor as much as someone to workshop my fic, give me both positive and negative constructive criticism. There are a couple of areas where I think I could improve... but I don't want to say what they are because I don't want to influence opinion. Anyway, I'll take as much feedback as I can get. I don't expect this to be a major commitment for anyone who accepts; just a quick read/pre-review.

    Prior Writing Experience: Two and a half shipping fics, one abandoned OC fic, a one-shot, obsessive journaling, and an English/Creative Writing major.

    Plot Summary: When Satsumi's dad goes missing on a trip to investigate an ancient temple ruin, she decides to do everything she can to find him. She knows it won't be easy. Sickly for most of her childhood, Satsumi grew up sheltered and isolated, and even though her health has improved, she's still a timid, awkward girl prone to worry. Dealing with her new friends is almost as much of a challenge as dealing with her new enemy. But most troubling of all is the strange mystery which threatens to pull her under. What happened in that ruined temple so long ago? What does it have to do with her dad's disappearance? And what it Satsumi's connection to it? She'll soon find out, whether she wants to or not.

    Writing Sample: Um... this is a lot of text, but I don't think I can give a good sense of the story without posting the entire prologue, so...

    Prologue
    Twelfth Birthday
    I knew something was wrong when he didn’t come home for my birthday. My mom said it was nothing: “Maybe he just forgot what day it is; you know how absent-minded your dad can be”– but I could tell she was only trying to make me feel better. She pretended that everything was fine, that there was nothing wrong with sitting at a table for two at my favorite restaurant, or with putting a third of my cake back in the fridge, or with actually being able to hear the funny parts of my favorite movie because no one was laughing too loud. Did she think I didn’t notice that her smile was too wide, her voice was too high-pitched and bubbly, or that she kept turning her face away so I wouldn’t see her worried expression? I kept glancing at her while we watched the movie– no, not watched– my mom’s eyes were glued to the TV screen, but she was staring straight through it.


    But I pretended, too. My mom was trying so hard to make me happy, and I didn’t want to make her worry about me. So I told her that she was right, maybe something came up; maybe he got so busy he lost track of time. I could almost believe it myself– he really was absent-minded, just like my mom said. He’d forgotten her birthday a few years before; boy, she’d really let him have it for that.


    It wasn’t the first time he’d been away from home, either– a three time Pokemon League Champion, he travels a lot, giving speeches and exhibitions.


    But this time wasn’t like the others. It started when Professor Ookido came to our house one day about a week ago. There was nothing unusual about that; he lives nearby, and he and my dad have been friends since they were kids. But this time, it seemed like something was bothering him. His smile was too thin. When I answered the door, he mussed my hair and said “Hey, Short Stuff,” like always, but he didn’t stop to talk to me, just asked where my dad was. I led him into the kitchen, where my dad was crouched down putting down food bowls Pikachu and his other Pokemon. He looked up, stood, and said hi to Professor Ookido when we entered. Then he told me to go upstairs and clean my room. He didn’t answer when I said that my room was already clean, just frowned, crossed his arms, and looked me straight in the eye. I knew what he was trying to tell me-- cleaning my room was just an excuse; really, he just wanted me to leave so I wouldn't hear their conversation. I was really curious, but I wasn’t going to argue. So I left.


    That night at dinner, my dad told my mom and me that he had to leave on business for a few days. When my mom asked what kind of business, he shrugged and said “Some archeologists just finished digging up some ruins over in the Nirakar Region. Shigeru wants me to go check it out.”
    “Ruins?” my mom said, pausing with her fork halfway to her mouth.
    “Yeah, out in the desert, some temple in some mythological city or something.” My dad shrugged. “I don’t know much about it, but Shigeru seemed excited.”
    “Then why can’t he go?”
    My dad looked at me with raised eyebrows, and I turned my face toward my plate, embarrassed by my outburst.
    “Shigeru has too much to do at the lab,” said my dad, “he has to get the starters ready for this year’s new trainers.”
    “Oh. Right.”


    That made sense– it was almost time for new trainers to start their Pokemon journeys. But that didn’t make me feel any better. I rolled a pea around on my plate with my fork so I wouldn’t have to look at my dad.
    “Don’t worry, Satsumi,” he said with a smile in his voice. “I’ll be home in plenty of time for your birthday. Have I ever broken my promise?”


    I shook my head, feeling a little bad for doubting my dad. I’m really proud of him, and I’ve gotten kind of used to him being gone sometimes; these days, I don’t even cry when he leaves. But I still miss him when he’s away, and he knows it. That’s why he promised me he’d always be home for my birthday no matter what. My dad’s always told me that the day I was born was the most important day of his life, even more important than the day he set out on his Pokemon journey, or the day he first won the title of Pokemon League Champion.


    That’s why I knew, deep down, that he couldn’t have forgotten. Even if he got held up this time, he would’ve at least called. My mom kept her phone near her all day, kept checking it. The light came back to her eyes every time it rang, then disappeared again as soon as she looked at the caller ID. I hope I hid my disappointment from her better than she hid hers from me.


    It was getting late when she looked at the clock, sighed, and headed upstairs. She came back down a minute later carrying something small in one hand. My mom sat down next to me on the sofa and handed me a box a little bigger than my open hands, wrapped in blue paper and
    pink ribbons.
    “Happy birthday, Satsumi,” she said. “This is from both me and your dad. I was hoping he could be on the phone when you opened it, but... I guess he’ll just have to miss out, huh?”

    I nodded and smiled back at her as best I could.
    “Go ahead, open it!” she said.
    I tried to show enthusiasm as I tore into the paper, but a chill ran through me when I saw what the present was. My stunned reflection stared back at me from the blank screen of a new model Pokedex, visible through the cellophane window of the box.
    “Mom... wow... this is...”
    “You like it?” She said with a laugh in her voice. “Your dad and I picked it out weeks ago; we think you’re finally ready to begin your Pokemon journey.”
    “R-really?”
    My mom nodded.
    “You’ve been a lot healthier these past couple of years; I almost can’t remember the last time you got sick. And your doctor says it’s ok now.” She paused, then added “Actually, you probably could’ve gone last year, but we wanted to wait and make sure.”

    Why did I feel so anxious? I’d been waiting for this day since I was a little kid. My parents told me countless stories about their adventures while I was growing up– about how they met all of their Pokemon (and each other), about all the places they travelled to, all the gym matches and tournaments they battled in, about all their encounters with the “evil” Team Rocket.” I’d make them repeat my favorite ones over and over (especially the one about how my dad won his first Pokemon League), and dream about having my own adventures. What kind of Pokemon would I train? What region would I journey through? What kind of people would I meet? I spent hours imagining it all and couldn’t wait to leave home.

    But my dreams got put on hold. I was born two and a half months too early, and was sickly for most of my childhood. Fevers, ear infections, and (worst of all), respitory infections– it seemed like there was always something wrong with me. My parents and I hoped I’d be better by the time I turned ten, the age when most kids start their journeys. And I was; at least, I wasn’t sick as often, and when I was, it wasn’t as serious. But my doctor said I still wasn’t healthy enough to travel on my own. My tenth birthday was miserable, and not just because I had a fever. All the other kids my age got to start their journeys; I loved Pokemon just as much as they did, but just because I got sick sometimes... it wasn’t fair! Nothing my parents did to cheer me up worked. They told me, maybe I’d be well enough next year; “No, I won’t,” I sobbed, “I’ll always be sick, and I’ll never get to be a Pokemon trainer!” I said it because I was frustrated and upset, but really, I hoped my parents were right. When they weren’t, I started to give up. It seemed like I was just doomed, Pokemon-wise. But now that my chance had finally come...
    “It’s ok if you don’t want to leave just yet,” my mom said.

    I looked at her and shook my head, scolding myself for letting her see me worry.
    “It’s not that, this is really great; thank you so much! I was just surprised, is all.”
    She smiled warmly at me and tucked my hair behind my ear.
    “Ok. But you don’t have to rush things, you know; take as long as you need to feel ready. One more year won’t–”
    “Mo-om, I’m fine!!” I said, pretending to be annoyed.
    She laughed and said “Ok, ok! But I wanted to tell you that, anyway. Especially since...”

    That’s what was bothering me: I was worried about my dad; I couldn’t leave home without knowing he was safe.
    “It’ll be ok, Mom,” I said, trying to sound casual, “Dad’ll definitely be home before then.”
    My mom put her smile back on and said “I’m sure you’re right.” We both tried to believe that I was.
    ----​
    My mom had contacted the authorities in nearby Eternia City the day after my birthday, but they couldn’t find my dad. The police started an investigation, interviewed my mom, Professor Ookido, talked to people in the area where he’d disappeared. He’d been seen there, at least. The archeologists at the site said that he’d been there a week ago, wanting to explore the ruins. They hadn’t allowed him in, and he’d gone back to his hotel in the city after a short argument. All his stuff was still there. But my dad had just disappeared. No one had seen him after that night; they had no idea where he’d gone. The police wanted to investigate the ruins, see if he’d been there, but first they needed a permit; it would take days for them to get one.


    With every day that passed, I lost a little more hope. Every night, I cried alone in my bed, trying not to imagine what had happened to my dad. What if he was sick somewhere? What if he’d been kidnapped? That didn’t seem likely, not when he had Pikachu and his other Pokemon. But they’d disappeared with him. I wished Pikachu were sleeping curled up next to me, the way he always did when I was sick or sad. I hugged my Clefairy doll tight instead, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted to crawl in bed with my mom like I used to whenever I had a nightmare, but I couldn’t let her know that I could hear her crying. I’d never felt so alone in my life.


    Waiting to hear something about my dad was driving me crazy. The day for new trainers to leave on their Pokemon journeys was getting closer and closer, but I couldn’t leave without him there, could I? Everything was so wrong, it wasn’t the right time. But that was an excuse; I was really just afraid. After all, what could I do against something that even my dad couldn’t handle? But sitting around waiting for the phone to ring wasn’t helping anything, and I knew deep down that I should be doing everything I could to find him. My dad’d always been there when I needed him. Like the time when I was little and I got really, really sick, the sickest I’ve ever been. He was away at an important tournament. But when I woke up in the hospital, he was right there holding my hand, looking down at me and stroking my hair. My dad would do anything for me. And now that it was my turn to help him, I couldn’t let him down. So I decided– I’d leave on my Pokemon journey, and I’d find my dad, no matter what.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2014
  20. JX Valentine

    JX Valentine ██████████

    Er, I'd hate to say this, but these kinds of things don't work this way. Please use the form. It's there for a reason.

    Namely, all of those fields not only help us sort you into specific categories based on your strengths (so that people looking for betas can ask the best people for the job to help them, rather than try their luck and end up going through a less-than-stellar experience), but it also informs people looking for betas about how you work in general. Leaving things vague doesn't help you meet people. It just kinda tells people that you're inaccessible. We have no idea what your strengths as a beta are (which could, again, help us to avoid a less-than-okay experience), what the best methods to contact you are (Just PM?), or even what genres you're most comfortable with. (Not everyone's okay with reading romance, for example, and betaing an action/adventure requires a slightly different skillset from a mystery.) Yes, you say you have a link in your sig, but sigs change all the time. That link could disappear later on down the line, but who knows if you'll update this post to provide actual samples, you know? It's your chance to advertise, and telling people to go to a certain link because you want to be vague doesn't exactly send a good message while leaving out the details that they'd need in order to decide whether or not you'd be a good choice for a beta.

    That and the OP of a thread like this is usually a mini rules list. (That goes for all threads with detailed OPs with forms and rules, incidentally. Yes, it might seem anal, but some threads have systems to how they work.) You still have to follow them, just as you would the rules of the forum. If you want to start your own thread for betaing that adheres to what you think is necessary for this kind of thing, please feel free to PM a mod with your concept. Otherwise, please read the OP and repost.

    Also (and I hope I'm not too late in editing this in), you might not be all that clear on what this thread is for. Which is okay! But to give you an idea, it's not really a place where you connect with people right on the thread. It's a place where you list your info for people to look you up in the future. In other words, on the beta's end of things, it's a directory, not a "please send me things" request line. On the writer's side of things, sure, yeah, it's for getting help ASAP, but you do need to have a specific project in order to get on the list. Otherwise, it seems rather silly to request services for work that you may or may not do, you know? It's like asking a painter to come paint a house that may or may not ever exist, at the risk of abusing my dreaded similes.

    Hope that makes sense! b)'')b
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2014

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