The Bizarre Transformation

[x-strike-fire-dragon]

Chapters 1-3 rated G; chapter 4 rated either PG or PG-13 (depends on how I write it)
Chapter One

In the Hoenn region, wild Taillow were hopping along route 101, searching for food. They flew away, disturbed by a human walking towards them. The human's name was Rai, he was 16 years old; on his right shoulder sat his best friend and first Pokémon, Eevee. Rai and Eevee were on their way to Littleroot Town to visit Professor Birch.

"It's been a long time since we were last here," Rai said.

"Vee!" Eevee nodded in agreement.

"I can't believe it's been six years since I first started my journey with you. I still vividly remember when we first met." Rai recalled.

Rai had meet Eevee in Littleroot Town when he was ten. Even at that age, he was a brilliant strategist. He always won any game he played, from cards, to chess, to risk, to videogames—even when his opponents were 10 years older than he was. He was more of an introverted child, preferring to listen and observe during conversations, rather than participate in them. He often could be found sitting in a tree on route 101, just thinking. Because he didn't talk much and often wasn't in Littleroot Town, he didn't have many friends and the fact that he won any game he played didn't help either. He couldn't get a Pokémon from Professor Birch yet because he hadn't turned 10 yet. One day, when Rai was on his way to his favorite tree in route 101, an Eevee came running along the main path and, not seeing Rai on account of looking behind its shoulder, crashed into him, knocking both of them to the ground. When Rai regained his senses, he saw three Mightyena running toward him. He realized instantly that they were chasing the Eevee, but now that he was in their path, they would target him as well. He couldn't outrun the fast approaching Mightyena, he didn't have any Pokémon of his own to defend himself, and climbing a tree would prove to be a temporary solution at best. He knew he had to fight.

"Eevee, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but neither of us is going to live much longer if we don't do something," he said, knowing that the Eevee couldn't get away having lost as much ground as it had. "We will have to battle together to survive."

Eevee nodded and took up a fighting stance, its left front paw in a forward position and the front of its body in a crouch.

"Steady, steady." Rai said, waiting for the right moment to have Eevee attack.

"Wait for it…"

"Now," he shouted, "Rebound off the tree to your left and tackle the Mightyena on the left!
Eevee did just that and hit the left Mightyena on its jaw bone hard enough to knock it out and knock the middle Mightyena off balance.

"Now, jump back and do the same using the tree to your right!"

Again, Eevee did as Rai said and hit the right Mightyena in the jaw with perfect accuracy, knocking it out; however, the middle Mightyena was ready and leaped back, crouching, as Eevee landed.

"Eevee, slash his feet with tail whip and hit him from below with tackle."

Eevee ran toward the remaining Mightyena, but as it came close, it stutter-stepped, making the Mightyena react too soon, jumping. Eevee slid underneath it, but instead of tackling the Mightyena, it stuck its tail up, pointing at the Mightyena's chest.

Rai was shocked at what he saw; Eevee's tail had turned into a shiny green leaf, a razor sharp leaf that looked rather like a blade! The Mightyena fell on top of the tail, driving it partially into its chest. Rai looked on in amazement as he saw electricity shoot along Eevee's tail and into the Mightyena, shocking it into unconsciousness. Eevee pulled its tail out and then the tail transformed back into its normal, fluffy shape.

Eevee ran back to Rai, who was stunned at what he had just witnessed, an Eevee that could use the high level attacks of two of its evolutions, Leaf Blade and Thunder.

"Nicely done, Eevee!" Rai said. "That was amazing!"

Eevee grinned and proudly said its name, "Eevee."

Rai grinned also, then asked, "Where do you live Eevee?"

He had never heard of an Eevee living in the Hoenn region before.

Eevee sadly lowered its head and mournfully replied, "Veee."

"You don't have a home?"

Eevee shook its head.

"Would you like to come home with me? I'm sure mom and dad would let you live with us."

Eevee lifted its head, eyes shining, and happily replied, "Vee Vee!"

"Alright!" Rai yelled excitedly. He kneeled on the ground and Eevee jumped into his arms. Rai started running back home as fast as he could.

On the way back to Littleroot Town he asked several questions; in this fashion, he found out that Eevee was a female and wasn't native to Hoenn, but instead came from the Kanto region. He also had begun to look closer at Eevee's features. She looked like a normal Eevee, except that her back left paw and leg were a light tan and blue color (almost a milky-tan), her mane and tail tip were pure white, and her bangs were longer and slightly tilted toward the left side of her face, obscuring half of her black eye.

He arrived at his house, opened the door, and promptly asked his parents if he could keep Eevee. They were delighted their son had finally found a friend and immediately said yes. Since that time, Rai and Eevee had been close friends.

Through subsequent conversations and the help of Professor Birch, Rai learned that Eevee had been evicted from her tribe because of her unique abilities to use her evolutions' high level attacks and her unique fur colors. She had wandered Kanto until she came to Fuchsia City. From there, she stowed away on a boat that had docked near Petalburg City. She eventually made her way to Oldale Town and went south into route 101. There she had ran into the three aggressive Mightyena and then crashed into Rai.

Through training with Eevee, he discovered that she knew the moves Leaf Blade, Thunder, Blizzard, Hydro Pump, Fire Blast, Psychic, and Moonlight. Her Pokémon ability was Adaptability, but instead of only powering up Normal type moves, it also powered up her evolutionary moves.

Rai and Eevee trained almost constantly, and Eevee proved to be just as good a tactician as Rai. The two were inseparable. Months later, Rai turned 10 years old and set out with Eevee on his journey to gain all the Hoenn gym badges and make it to the Hoenn League Tournament.



That's chapter one, I hope you enjoy.
If I'm breaking any forum rules, please let me know. I think I complied to all of them...
I'll look at all reviews, even if I don't respond to them, and I appreciate them immensely. I'm pretty good about criticism so as long as you don't blatantly flame, I'll be fine with harsh criticism if I deserve it.
Note on spelling: I lived in Canada and the US, so my spelling has been affected, sometimes I use British spelling; other times, American spelling.

 

[bobandbill]

Note on spelling: I lived in Canada and the US, so my spelling has been affected, sometimes I use British spelling; other times, American spelling.

If so I would suggest keeping to one or the other for consistency's sake - either way is fine but if you try to mix and match then people may get confused when reading.

Anyways it is an interesting beginning - you set up Tai's character well I thought and I liked the battle as well. I will say that I am a bit wary of the main character just happening across what is a shiny (or something similar to that anyway) Eevee, a canonically rare Pokemon (especially for Hoenn as mentioned) which also has access to powerful moves learn-able normally only by its evolutions... basically the main concern is that it seems a rather awesome Pokemon to give to your character like so, and perhaps too awesome, so I guess it'd really depend on how you handle the story and Rai's character to ensure he doesn't become what one calls a Gary Stu (or the female equivalent Mary Sue - basically a character who the story revolves around only, they accomplish everything and get the best Pokemon with Pokemon fics, etc). Note that having the Eevee doesn't make Rai this, but it is something to be careful with. I am curious to finding out more about the Eevee however itself and why it is as it is, so I hope to see you touch/explore that in future chapters. (Was it perhaps inspired by the Pokemon Special Eevee...?)

Be careful with the odd few errors here and there - overall it's fine but there's some small stuff, such as follows:

In the Hoenn region, wild Taillow's were hopping along route 101, searching for food.

It would be Taillows (rather than Taillows which is "Taillow is") or simply Taillow, like the plural of sheep being sheep. It seems to work often with Pokemon names (the plural of Pokemon being Pokemon too).

He always won any game he played, from cards, to chess, to risk, to videogames—even when his opponents were 10 years older than he was.

Generally you'd want to write out numbers smaller than 100 as words, so ten rather than 10.

"Eevee, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but neither of us is going to live much longer if we don't do something," he said, knowing that the Eevee couldn't get away having lost as much ground as it had, "We will have to battle together to survive."

I suggest watching out for run on sentences like above, although you'd probably want to change the bolded comma to a full stop.

"Now," he shouted, "Rebound of the tree to your left and tackle the Mightyena on the left!

Similar thing here for instance - the commas used suggest you're continuing the sentence but the capitalised "Rebound'' suggests a new sentence - so I'd change it to rebound or just go with a full stop before it (e.g. "Now!" he shouted. "Rebound off the...). on that note, off rather than off there.

Eevee did just that and hit the left Mightyena on its jaw bone hard enough to knock it out and knock the middle Mightyena off balance.

I'll mention that perhaps it would have been nice to see how the Mightyena reacted to the attacks during the battle to make it seem that much more real and entertaining, such as here. (Also this sentence could have been either on the same line as the dialogue or separated a bit more from it - minor but still thought it could be mentioned. =p).

"Nicely done Eevee!" Rai said. "That was amazing!"

A comma should follow or go before a name when someone is addressed by it (or nickname, insulting name, etc), so a comma before 'Eevee' could be added.

Overall it's a decent beginning - just be careful with dealing with the fact your main character has a powerful shiny Eevee already I suggest because it's already a rather unlikely event to happen even for Pokemon and it is a common occurrence for Mary Sues/Gary Stus in Pokemon fics to have a rare legendary/starter Pokemon/shiny/etc, but that's up to you in how you handle it really. Good luck with the rest of the fic!

 

[x-strike-fire-dragon]

Ok, wow!! I can't believe you were the first person to review this! I'm currently reading your Colosseum rewritten story, which is epic by the way, so thank you a lot!

On the note, I use American English, but British/Canadian English has affected my spelling such that I spell something different without realizing it. I don't think any of that was present (unless I used the word sabre), but I thought I'd make a warning in case someone got confused.

Whoops, thanks for catching that. If my old English teacher saw that she'd have a fit.

I've always been taught to use arabic numbers for 10 and above, maybe that's just an old skool style. That's what I go by, anyway.

Thanks for the catch, I used to have major difficulties with run-ons. I'm getting better, but the problem isn't completely gone.

Another accidental mistake, thanks for catching it.

Essentially those were their reactions, Eevee was really fast. I think I covered it adequately, but your concern is noted for future writing.

I've been taught to always capitalize when starting a new quote, but I'll look into it. I haven't been writing stories out for many years, so maybe for books that might be a different style.

Thanks for the catch.


As for a Gary Stu, that's not going to happen. I did give Rai a lot of intelligence (and that's what makes writing this so hard since I have to think what he would do in certain situations and plan out a strategy before I can write) so he could handle a fight with a pokemon since he's never battled before. Don't worry, trouble's brewing for Rai and Eevee in the next chapters.

Shiny Eevee! Well, not quite. I used aspects of its shiny form in designing this particular Eevee to give it a distinct, different, and unusual form, which factors into the story later. As for its moves, I think it's safe to say that I was inspired by Red's Eevee. Eevee is powerful and rare, but it's not broken or overpowered the way I have the idea set.

Judging by how this was review in content, you aren't expecting what I'm going to do with this. I was inspired to write this because of a fanfic I read on Fanfiction.com. It has some similar elements--but of course no plagiarizing!

Thank you again for taking the time to read and review this, I am honored. I'll be uploading chapter 2 soon, which has a joke I think you'd like in it.

 

[x-strike-fire-dragon]

Chapter 2

Chapter two is up, still with a G rating.

Chapter Two

Months passed and Rai, Eevee, and the rest of his Pokémon had entered the Hoenn Tournament with all eight gym badges. Rai and Eevee finished third, losing to the teenage girl who went on to become champion, Xena.

Rai and his team went on to capture the 16 badges of Johto and Kanto and claim the championship title of that region. They also captured the Sinnoh badges and championship. When Rai turned 15, he became an agent of the International Pokémon League, which had formed after the attacks many years ago by Team Rocket, Neo Team Rocket, Team Magma, Team Aqua, and Team Galactic. As an agent, he would help in any missions or attacks on evil organizations, directed by the International Pokémon League or any of its individual leagues.

As Rai finished reminiscing, Littleroot Town came into view.

"There it is," Rai said, "One quick stop, and then on to the next mission."

A short time later, Rai and Eevee walked into Littleroot Town. Rai quickly stopped at his house to visit his parents and then went on to Professor Birch's laboratory.

Rai and Eevee walked into the lab through the sliding glass door, as the sound Professor Birch looked up from his work and greeted them.

"Rai, welcome back. When did you arrive?"

"Good morning Professor," Rai replied.

"And Eevee", Professor Birch said, rubbing her between the ears, "How are you doing?"

"Eevee," she replied.

"So Rai," Professor Birch asked, "What can I do for you?"

"I was assigned a new mission by the IPL," Rai said, "And I need to drop off my Pokémon before I leave."

"How many are you leaving?" Professor Birch asked.

"All but Eevee."

"Alright, just put them in the back yard."

Rai and Eevee walked to the back yard of Professor Birch's laboratory. The back yard was green from the short, healthy grass; there were also trees, a stream, and a stone fountain.

Rai released his Pokémon team, a Metagross, an Infernape, a Gengar, a Yanmega, and a Gyrados. Rai then addressed them.

"Guys, I'll be leaving to do a mission for the IPL. While I'm gone, you all will get a vacation here with Professor Birch. I'll come back to pick you up when I'm done with my mission."

Rai's Pokémon nodded, then called their farewells before going off to explore and interact with the other Pokémon in the back yard.

Rai turned to Eevee sitting on his right shoulder.

"Well, it's just you and me now."

"Vee," Eevee said, happy that she would get some time alone with her best friend.

"Time to go," Rai said to Eevee, before walking back into Professor Birch's laboratory.

"I'll come back when I finish my mission, professor."

"Good luck," Professor Birch replied.

Rai and Eevee walked out of the laboratory building. Rai put down his backpack.

"Hold on a second Eevee, I want to double-check to make sure we've got everything before we leave."

Rai looked into the backpack. Inside were enough foodstuffs to last for three days, 10 water bottles, a sleeping bag, 10 Ultra Balls, a folded fishing pole, an extra set of clothes, and a Team Rocket grunt uniform.

"Amazing what one can fit inside these small IPL backpacks." He said, half to Eevee and half to himself. "I've got everything I need."

He picked up his backpack then walked out of Littleroot Town into route 101. After an hour, Rai and Eevee reached a clearing to the left of route 101. There they met Sean, another agent of the ILP, and his Salamence.

"Ready to go?" Sean asked.

"Let's go," Rai replied.



Part of being a better writer is recognizing one's weaknesses. I really need to get variety in my beginnings, too many times I start with "Rai and Eevee" or "Rai." You could say I'm kind of a newbie when it comes to story writing, I've written poems for a while and when I was younger I used script form, of course I've also had to write countless essays. If any more experienced story writers come along, I'd be happy to listen to suggestions for this genre of writing.

 

[bobandbill]

Herp late but oh well.

Firstly:

I've always been taught to use arabic numbers for 10 and above, maybe that's just an old skool style. That's what I go by, anyway.

Hmm, first I heard of the sort but as long as you are consistent with it I suppose is the main thing.
As for this:

Part of being a better writer is recognizing one's weaknesses. I really need to get variety in my beginnings, too many times I start with "Rai and Eevee" or "Rai."

I'll agree that a number of times you started sentences like that too often in parts - so I'd suggest just simply replacing a few with words that could describe him - e.g. He, The teenager, The trainer, etc, as well as rewording the sentence entirely in the beginning (e.g. instead of, say, "Rai and Eevee walked into the lab through the sliding glass door....", you could say "The lab's glass door slid open as they walked into the lab.").


Overall the chapter was all right but a bit short for my liking (and possibly below the fanfic's 2-page-min-limit rule as well btw, so watch out for that), as not that much happened besides him leaving some Pokemon behind and a brief overview on what happened in the last few years. Seeing a bit more personality from his other Pokemon/some more interaction between him and then would have been nice to have seen for instance, although I am more interested in why he had to/chose to leave all but his Eevee at Birch's place beyond 'he had a mission' as I'm unsure why a mission would need him to leave all but one Pokemon. Seeing more on what Sean is like - say a short paragraph on his personality or a slightly extended conversation between the two to show some of his personality would be something else I'd suggest.

Neo Team Rocket,

I am not that well versed with the ***** so maybe it is a canon team, but I can't say I know much about 'Neo' Team Rocket - if they are made up is there any reason for their inclusion here...?

"And Eevee", Professor Birch said, rubbing her between the ears, "How are you doing?"

Comma before 'Professor' should be within the quotation marks ("And Eevee,"), and either how instead of How or change the comma before it to a full stop.

"Alright, just put them in the back yard."

backyard works as one word.

Rai released his Pokémon team, a Metagross, an Infernape, a Gengar, a Yanmega, and a Gyrados.

Gyarados - missing an 'a' there'.

Inside were enough foodstuffs to last for three days

'foodstuffs' sounds a bit off to me - maybe just 'food' would do.

"Amazing what one can fit inside these small IPL backpacks." He said, half to Eevee and half to himself.

Should be a comma and 'he' rather than He there, as you ought to treat that whole part as one sentence ('he said...' refers to who said the sentence and how and wouldn't work as its own sentence either, hence the comma and lack of a capital).

Overall the chapter wasn't bad or anything - the time-skip seems fine overall and all - just seems to be lacking a bit 'more' to it really, this chapter.

 

[x-strike-fire-dragon]

Herp late but oh well.

It's cool. What ever works in your timeframe.

as long as you are consistent with it I suppose is the main thing.

I am. That's how I've always been taught and I really haven't seen any code book on fiction style. I've got a friend in the know who I'll ask though.

As for this:
I'll agree that a number of times you started sentences like that too often in parts - so I'd suggest just simply replacing a few with words that could describe him - e.g. He, The teenager, The trainer, etc, as well as rewording the sentence entirely in the beginning (e.g. instead of, say, "Rai and Eevee walked into the lab through the sliding glass door....", you could say "The lab's glass door slid open as they walked into the lab.").

Yep that is my weakest point so far. Something that'll take some working on.

I check on Word and it said it was at least 2 pages, so I'm cool on that. It was a little short and when I write more, I'll keep your suggestions about more detail in mind.

I am not that well versed with the ***** so maybe it is a canon team, but I can't say I know much about 'Neo' Team Rocket - if they are made up is there any reason for their inclusion here...?

In all honesty they would be Neo Neo Team Rocket (going off *****-verse) but yeah, I wanted to use a team that was recognizable.

Comma before 'Professor' should be within the quotation marks ("And Eevee,"), and either how instead of How or change the comma before it to a full stop.
backyard works as one word. Gyarados - missing an 'a' there'.
'foodstuffs' sounds a bit off to me - maybe just 'food' would do.

I chose foodstuffs for humor.

Should be a comma and 'he' rather than He there, as you ought to treat that whole part as one sentence ('he said...' refers to who said the sentence and how and wouldn't work as its own sentence either, hence the comma and lack of a capital).

Thanks for catching my small mistakes.

Thanks for your review. More happens in the next chapter... though personally, I think I don't like it as much.

 

[The Unknown Twinkie]

Hm...I think this might be good, I'll keep watch and see how it turns out.

 

[x-strike-fire-dragon]

New Chapter Up!

CHAPTER 3​

Sean’s Salamence flew the party to a clearing about two hours south of Team Rocket’s base.

“Alright, let’s go over the plan one last time, you’ll impersonate a Rocket grunt and sneak into the base. After gathering as much intelligence as you can in three days time, you’ll sneak out and meet me in the second designated clearing which is three hours southwest of the base,” Sean said.

“Yeah, that’s the plan,” Rai replied.

“Alright, I’ll see you in three days”

“Right.”

"Vee," Eevee nodded her assent.

Sean and Salamence took off and flew away.

“Alright Eevee, just you and I now; give me a second to change and we’ll start heading towards Team Rocket’s base.”

Rai changed into his grunt uniform and he and Eevee began walking toward the Team Rocket base.

Two hours later, they arrived at the base.

Rai was walking up to the front entrance to the base, to the left and right of the sliding security door stood four guards.

“Here we go Eevee,” Rai whispered.

Rai walked up to the card scanner and put his card up to the device to be screened. The machine finished scanning the card and the security door slid open; however, before Rai could advance, one of the guards spoke, “I don’t remember ever seeing you before, who are you?”

“I’m the transfer from Kanto,” Rai responded.

“Alright, you’ve already been cleared, I only asked because, as you’re aware this is a top secret facility; can’t let anyone unauthorized in. We don’t want a repeat of 12 years ago.”

“Certainly, keep up the good work soldier.”

(Soldier was a term of comradery used between grunts.)

Rai walked into the facility and reported to the executive in charge, he was then sent to the Research & Development core to help. When the ILP had hacked into the Rocket personnel database they had entered Rai in as a research assistant under the alias Michael so he would have better access to the R&D files.

The first afternoon, Rai spent observing his overseeing scientist on experiments to harness and multiply the energy of the region’s badges.
Fortunately, the process wasn’t very far advanced.

That night, Rai and Eevee snuck into the R&D core to investigate further into rumors he had heard that day; rumors concerning something only identified as “the project.”

“Alright Eevee, time to get hacking,” Rai whispered

“Vee,” Eevee responded quietly.

A window appeared on the screen asking for a password

“The password is ‘Rapidashtail,’” Rai said as he typed it into the computer.

Password confirmed.

A neon green database with a 3-D image of a laser appeared.

“Wonder what that’s for?” Rai muttered, indicating the laser. Eventually, Rai found his answer.

“Hm, it appears that Team Rocket intends to use this laser to take over the region with a two-pronged attack. First, the laser will alter the molecular structure of pokemon across the region; second, it will fire the high power energy beam component into the cities.”

“This will effectively ensure our rise to power as there will be little opposition left,” a second voice added.

Rai whirled around. The head researcher was standing on a platform above the lab.

“Hello boy, or should I say, IPL intruder. Thought you could pull the wool over Team Rocket’s eyes did you? Think again.”

“But I got into your hideout, that alone should be som-”

“I let you in. I wanted a good test subject for the laser’s initial attack phase.” The researcher pulled a rope that hung beside him and pull it. A pale-green sheet rose revealing the laser.

“Well, you chose the wrong duo. Eevee attack with thunderbolt.”

“EeVEE!” Eevee’s fur bristled then she let loose a bolt of electricity, directing it at the laser.

“Fire the laser!”

The laser fired a green beam at Eevee.

The bolt and beam collided and, for an instant, seemed to be battling for dominance. Then the beam overpowered Eevee’s attack and engulfed her.

“NO! Eevee!”

The beam finally dissipated.

“Eevee are you badly injured?!”

Eevee lay on the ground unconscious, but in every other aspect appeared fine. Rai picked her up and held her in his arms.

“Wh-Wh-WHAT! What’s going on?! Why didn’t the Eevee change?! Damn it, you stupid machine! Guards, capture these intruders! Use your stun settings only, I want these two alive.”

Rocket Grunts fell down from the ceiling and surrounded Rai and Eevee.

“Shoot,” Rai thought, “Eevee’s unconscious and I don’t have my bag. . . . Wait, he said they had stun guns. I think this will work.”

Rai pulled out an EMP device out of his Rocket uniform and activated it.

Instantly, the computers and guns shut down. Rai took advantage of the ensuing confusion from the grunts to break out of the room and run down the hallways toward the exit door.

“The door system will be disrupted as well,” Rai thought, “I’ll have to open it manually.”

Rai reached the door and started pulling on the slot between the door and the building. After a few hard tugs the door slid open enough for Rai to slip through. Rai ran through the opening and towards the forest with the bewildered front guards chasing after him. Rai reached his bag which he had left behind a tree 800 meters from the Rocket base and, scooping it up, continued plunging through the trees and brush until he reached a leafy ditch, which he hid behind and listened for his pursuers. He did not hear them. Rai waited a few moments before relaxing. He had lost them; but now he had to revive Eevee. He pulled out a max revive from his bag, crushed it with his hands, and scattered the powder over Eevee. He waited a few seconds, but Eevee did not recover.

“Oh no, why isn’t it working?”

Rai grabbed another max revive and scattered the powder over Eevee again.
There was still no effect.

"Did the laser beam have some sort of adverse side effect that was causing the max revives to fail?"

“Now what? How will I heal Eevee? The nearest pokemon center is far from here and the trees are too dense in this forest to find my bearings by the stars, I can’t use my compass because it was disabled by the EMP. All I can do is rest here and monitor Eevee’s condition. She doesn’t seem to be in any imminent danger.”

Rai rolled out his sleeping bag and put Eevee inside it because the night was cold. Rai changed into his old clothes and crawled inside the sleeping bag beside Eevee. He stayed awake for several hours, but finally gave into exhaustion and fell asleep. . . .

_________________________________________________________________

When I first came up with this story idea, I envisioned a better more epic battle scene. Based on feedback from readers, I may rewrite the battle scene and extend it later in time. I let this sit for a long time so I feel like I killed Rai's personality, I guess just give me feedback on what you think. Overall, I feel like this is the worst written chapter. It just isn't good.

Ha ha, cliffhanger ending. What'll happen next?