Warning: Contains violence and swear words. This can also be found on fanfiction here .
Summary: I have a confession to make: my trainer abuses me. But I have to forgive him—he's my trainer. Besides, Trainer can't help it—he's emotionally unstable. He needs me to be there for him, to help him through it. So why do I find myself hating him so much?
Feedback: I prefer constructive feedback, negative or positive. However, comments and anything really is fine by me.
“Gardevoir, are you ready?”
Trainer looked at me with determined, vivid green eyes, his onyx black hair sweating furiously. This was it. He was down to me, his last Pokemon, against the Kalos champion, Diantha.
I was ready. I nodded my affirmation.
“Then it’s time to mega evolve!” His Key Stone glowed and I felt my inner powers stir, a soft pink cocoon bubbling around me. His voice called out to me, and my body listened. My skirt grew in length, my psychic energies expanded, and my eyesight brought everything into a super focus.
“Gardevoir!” I cried, glaring at my opponent, Diantha’s own mega evolved Gardevoir. The champion’s Kyogre blue eyes sized me up coolly.
Trainer bent down and whispered in my ear, “It’s all up to you. I need you to be strong.”
I sent my thoughts out to his mind. Right!
“Then let’s go. Gardevoir, Moonblast!”
His voice gave me an adrenaline rush. I could feel his heart beating next to mine, even if I wasn’t touching him. I tapped into my huge power repertoire and summoned a Moonblast with both hands and fired it at the opposing Gardevoir.
Diantha’s voice cried out shrilly. “Teleport!”
My opponent narrowly escaped a direct hit, my Moonblast cracking the floor ever so slightly.
Oh no… I could feel my trainer’s anger soaring. “Argh! Don’t be so clumsy, Gardevoir! Focus dammit!”
Gah — I can’t afford to make any mistakes. My trainer was depending on me, and as his Pokemon, it was my job to deliver.
Diantha snapped her fingers. “Now, Calm Mind.”
Her Gardevoir closed her eyes, humming softly.
“Now’s our chance! Shadow Ball!”
With a single thought, a Shadow Ball has manifested in my palms. Using my psychic senses, I aim and fire one, two, three — and finally four Shadow Balls at Diantha’s Gardevoir.
Diantha laughed. “Moonblast, go!”
Her Gardevoir’s eyes snapped open at once. In a blink of an eye, she unleashed five Moonblasts. Oh sweet Arceus, what power! My Shadow Balls were no match for the amplified strength of her Moonblasts. My Shadow Balls exploded, sending dust flying into my eyes.
No! I couldn’t see a thing! If I don’t something fast, I’ll—
“GAARRRRR!” I collapsed to my knees. I don’t know what hit me, but it hurt dearly.
“Hey fuckwit, get up! We can’t afford to lose this!”
Trainer needed me. I-I got to get up. Slowly I started to get back up on my feet.
“Checkmate!” Diantha said with glee. “Hyper Voice, go!”
Her Gardevoir unleashed a horrible sound. My eardrums might have shattered — I couldn’t hear a thing. The sound of her voice was draining my energy. No! My power —!
I collapsed again, this time face down on the floor. I could feel my power ebbing away from me. My skirt shrunk, my vision blurred back to normal, and my psychic senses throbbed of immense pain. No… I failed.
“Fuck.” He glared at me with a deep loathing. “Return, you useless piece of shit. I knew I shouldn’t have relied on you.” His words were a slap in the face. The pull of the Pokeball was a mercy too kind for me.
-o-o-o-
Most humans believe a Pokeball is paradise for a Pokemon — apparently, you get your own landscape, a bed, food, grooming, and baths to boot. Well, let me be the first one to tell you that a Pokeball is nothing like that. It’s a big, vast space of literally nothing. It’s a demonic, eerie white. Trainers believe Pokeballs provide food because, in a Pokeball, your stomach sort of freezes — you don’t get hungry.
In fact, a Pokeball could be described a lot like freezing — a Pokemon’s health state is “frozen” as well, injuries that would normally kill us are put in a suspended state. (It still hurts like nobody’s business though.) The entire scenery could be described as frozen. Nothing moves. There’s no wind, no sunshine, no grass, or anything. Just blank, white nothingness.
My Pokeball is a sacred haven, though, kind of like what a bedroom would be to a human. It gives me time to be alone with myself and my thoughts. It’s usually a comfort.
At times, though, like now, it could be unnerving, because I know what’s coming. Trainer doesn’t take failure too well. He’s an emotional cyclone. Sometimes he’s the best man to be around, and sometimes, he’s the most terrifying being in existence.
He isn’t going to forgive me lightly. Hopefully, he’ll sleep on it and be fine by tomorrow. My trainer is like that, he’s only focused on two time frames: what’s happening now, and what’s not happening now. His anger subsides quickly… usually. I just lost the champion battle — I can bet his anger isn’t going to ebb away so easily.
Snap out of it, Gardevoir — we can’t think that way. With any luck, he’ll forget about me, sleep, and it’ll all be over. I just have to have hope.
“Gardevoir… come on out.”
Lord Arceus, please have mercy…
I came out of my Pokeball, rather reluctantly, trying hard not to meet my Trainer in the eyes.
“Gardevoir, you failed me.” His voice was rugged. My instincts screamed at me to run — being a Gardevoir, I have extraordinary emotional senses. But even without them, it was easy enough to tell that my trainer was livid. He laughed maniacally. “What am I going to do with you, huh?”
He swung his fist at me. I fell down on my bum. He kicked me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me.
“You useless—!“ He kicked me again. “Good for nothing—!“ He kicked me in the face this time, breaking my nose. “Piece of garbage!”
The logical side of me was telling me to retaliate, to pick him up with a Psychic and throw him far, far away from me.
But the emotional, loving side of me told me to take it. He’s my Trainer. Besides — he doesn’t mean it. Like I said, he’s an emotional cyclone. He's bipolar. He can’t help what he’s doing.
And how could I argue with him when he was right? I am useless. I didn’t even dent the Champion’s Pokemon. He relied on me and I failed to deliver.
“What am I going to do with you, Gardevoir?” He looked down at me with nothing but hate. “Answer me!”
He took his hands and wrapped them around my neck. My lungs started burning. Tears clouded my vision. I tried struggling against his grip, but his grasp was too strong — I was too weak to even use a Psychic at this point.
“You’re such a cunt. I don’t know what I ever saw in you.” He released his grip on my neck, but before I could recover, he punched me in the face.
My vision went mercifully black.
-o-o-o-
Gardevoir, I’m so sorry.
I was half awake, and I could sense my Trainer sitting next to me. Looks like he hadn’t recalled me into my Pokeball yet. He was thinking aloud to himself — he probably didn’t think I could hear him, but I could.
It’s not your fault you weren’t strong enough to beat her — it’s my fault. I’m the trainer here. I’m the failure. You don’t deserve this… you deserve someone better than me… Arceus damn it! I’m such a failure! I can’t even work up the courage to apologize to my own Pokemon.
No! I wanted to shout. It’s not your fault — it’s mine. I failed you when you relied on me most! Of course, I didn’t think these thoughts out loudly, lest he hear me. This is my fault. He’s blaming himself for my mistakes!
I’m the failure here, not him. I’m ashamed to even call myself a Gardevoir.
Please forgive me, Gardevoir. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean all those things I said. Really, I didn’t. I-I don’t know what I was thinking. It was irrational to take my anger out on you. I should have been smarter. I should have trained you harder.
It’s me who has failed you. I’m the piece of garbage.
I know, Trainer, I know. I know you didn’t mean all those things you said. You can’t help it. You can’t control your mood swings. And even if you were angry, I deserved it — every bit of it!
His hands gently brushed against my cheeks, and he planted a soft kiss on my forehead.
“I love you, Gardevoir, and I’m so sorry.”
-o-o-o-
Today we were up against Malva, Kalos’ Fire-type Elite Four member.
I tried not to feel guilty — we had already beaten her, but because I had to go and lose, here we were again.
Remember when I had said that Pokeball’s were nothing but an eerie, blank white? Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Pokemon can see outside of their Pokeball. It can go transparent, meaning you can only see outside of the Pokeball.
Thank goodness Trainer wears his Pokeballs on his belt, and not inside his pockets, or I would have no idea what was going on.
Malva’s first Pokemon, a ruthless Pyrorar, was up against Trainer’s docile Greninja. The Pyroar went down easily enough, but thanks to its last minute Wild Charge, Greninja was also taken out for a double knockout.
Trainer had to call his Pokemon out first.
So he called on me.
“Gar!” I shrieked, glaring daggers at Malva. Trainer must have called me out this soon because he was worried: last time, Trainer’s Greninja had steamrolled through half of her team. Looks like, once again, he was relying on me to be the backbone of the battle.
“Go, Volcarona!”
That’s new. She didn’t use that Pokemon in our last battle with her. Trainer sized up the new, foreign Pokemon up wearily. Wordlessly, he activated his Key Stone. Once again, I could hear his voice calling out to me. My body responded, and a pink bubble cocooned itself around me. My skirt grew in length, my psychic energies expanded, and my vision came into a super focus.
“Moonblast!”
A pink, cosmic sphere was forming in my hands. With a single thought, I threw it at the Volcarona.
Malva didn’t flinch. “Quiver Dance.”
The Volcarona’s body started spinning in rapid circles, its body glowing faintly red. It easily evaded the Moonblast, but I had taken the initiative to fire another one, which the Volcarona didn’t dodge.
Of course, being a Fire-type, it resisted the attack anyway.
Trainer, why would you have me use an ineffective attack?
Again, I didn’t dare think it too loudly. Regardless, he should know better now, due to the fact that it did pitiful damage, and—
“Moonblast! Again!”
I turned around, and looked at him with eyes wide. Trainer, don’t you see, the Volcarona—!
“Are you hard of hearing? I said use Moonblast! Now!”
I fired more useless Moonblasts.
Malva smiled to herself — I could feel her confidence ebbing off her from over here. “Quiver Dance!”
The Volcarona spun faster, its body glowing a strong shade of red. Despite the multiple Moonblasts I fired at it, the Volcarona easily danced around them.
Now, what did Quiver Dance do again? I assume it must be a set up move, since it has yet to do damage. Even still, we should proceed with caution. She’s bound to attack soon.
“Gardevoir, try a Shadow Ball attack.”
Well, at least that made more sense than freakin’ Moonblast. I churned out a flurry of Shadow Balls and easily launched them at Volcarona.
Malva simply said “Quiver Dance” again, and the Volcarona’s body turned a blood red and its spinning grew so fast that it made me dizzy just watching it. It easily maneuvered around my Shadow Balls, much to my Trainer’s obvious chagrin.
“Can’t you even aim?” My Trainer asked loudly. Can’t you stop being so stupid? I almost snapped back. I paused. No, I can’t think this way, dang it! Especially not now!
My Trainer’s frustration was making me nervous — no thanks to my emotional senses, of course — but still. I had to focus. I didn’t want to lose again.
“Gardevoir, try Moonblast! One more time!”
Is he for real? He didn’t seriously just say that, did he?
Malva didn’t even wait for me to move. “Quiver Dance!”
The Volcarona span impossibly faster. It finally hit me — I remember what Quiver Dance does! It increases the user’s speed, special attack, and special defense. She could probably take me out with a single attack, but she wasn’t attacking me because she wanted to set up a sweep! She didn’t want to just take me out, but Trainer’s entire team, too!
And after this Quiver Dance, it would all be over. If I didn’t act now, we would lose. So I did the only thing I could think to do: I disobeyed my Trainer.
I concentrated on the Volcarona, and expanded my energies outward. Volcarona went from glowing Entei red to emmitting a soft, Suicune blue color. My body’s strength quadrupled, yet I felt oddly agile. Yes, it was working.
Malva’s confusion was evident, as was her Volcarona’s. She shook her head and cried shrewdly, “Flamethrower!”
Volcarona unleashed a massive jet of flames, at an alarming pace of speed. Thankfully, I proved to be faster, and easily avoided the Flamethrower, reappearing behind the Volcarona effortlessly.
Malva’s confusion evolved into shock. “Wha—?”
With a flick of my hand, psychic orbs surrounded the Volcarona, and with a single thought, I pressed them into the Sun Pokemon.
It was an instant knockout.
The referee stated the obvious. “Volcarona is unable to battle. Gardevoir is the winner!”
My Trainer started dumbly in shock. His ambivalent emanations clouded my emotional radar. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be too mad at me for disobeying him.
Malva, still stunned, recalled her Volcarona wordlessly.
I wonder if she figured it out yet. I used an impromptu Psych Up to copy her Voclarona’s stat changes, then unleashed a powerful Psyshock to break through her bolstered special defenses, using the special attack oomph to obliterate the Volcarona easily.
The tides of the battle had just been turned.
With the Psych Up boost, there was no way any of her remaining Pokemon could take me on in a fight.
Malva laughed, realization dawning onto her. “I forfeit. You did well, Challenger.”
The referee helpfully spoke up. “Malva has forfeited the battle. The victory goes to the challenger. Congratulations!”
-o-o-o-
“Gardevoir, how could you?” Trainer’s eyes were holding back tears. Of course, my emotional senses were going off the radar. I didn’t like what they were telling me. I tried to ignore them. “What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve such a disobedient Pokemon?”
My thoughts reached out to him. Trainer, I had to. We were going to lose. I didn’t want—
“You didn’t want to listen to me, clearly. You wanted to make me look stupid, didn’t you?”
No, Trainer, that’s not true at all!
Trainer growled at me. “Shut the fuck up when I’m talking to you!” I tried backing away from him.
He pulled me by my hair. “You think this is funny, don’t you?” I didn’t know how to respond. “Am I a joke to you, huh?” He punched me in the face, yanking on my hair to keep me from falling. Blood was oozing out of my nose. “Answer me when I’m talking to you, whore!”
My body was trembling. N-no. This isn’t a joke. Honest! I only wanted to win — I didn’t want us to lose! You of all people should understand, Trainer! When he hadn’t said anything, I added, Please, Trainer… please understand, I didn’t want to disobey you…
“Then why did you?”
Because I wanted to win!
Trainer swung a fist at me again. “I don’t care what you want! You listen to me, even if it means we lose. I’m the trainer here!” He punched me again, my eye turning black and blue. “Got it?”
Something in me snapped. Trainer, this is your fault too! Volcarona resists Moonblast! Its Quiver Dance boosted its defenses so high that Moonblast barely even scraped it. You saw it for yourself! Why are you mad at me? I’m the reason we won!
He let go of my hair and punched me in the gut. I collapsed to my knees, my hands on my stomach. “I am well aware that we would have lost! That does not give you the right to disobey me — ever!”
He walked away, leaving me on the floor. My body was shaking, and at that point, I was too weak to even try to stand back up. In my mind, a battle of its own was going on, too.
Use Psychic on him! the logical side of my brain shouted. Don’t let him treat us like that!
Once again, though, my emotional side fought back. He doesn’t mean it! He still loves us!
But we’re in the right! my logical side complained. He wouldn’t have won without us! If we listened to his bogus commands, we would have been swept away like Magikarp!
My emphatic side quickly argued, There is never a justifiable reason to disobey Trainer!
Please, logic laughed, if we lost, he would have taken it out on us anyway.
The emotions in me said weakly, B-but—!
Admit it. Trainer is a hypocrite.
Can you guys shut up, please? This is already hard on me as it is! I don’t need you two making it worse.
None of them said anything after that.
I guess I had better get some sleep for tomorrow’s battle. For the first time in my life, I felt myself siding up with the logical side of me. Trainer shouldn’t be so hard on me. It’s not like I blatantly disobeyed him out of disrespect — I was looking out for not just him, but for us, as a team!
… I can’t afford to think this way. I have to forgive him — he's my trainer. Besides, Trainer can't help it — he's emotionally unstable. He needs me to be there for him, to help him through it.
So why do I find myself hating him so much?
-o-o-o-
This time, it was Wikstrom. The man is dressed in steel clad armor. How peculiar.
Of course, he specializes in steel types. Just my luck — not only is my Fairy typing resisted by Steel, but it’s also weak to it as well. My Psychic typing isn’t doing me any favors here, either, because Steel typing also resists it. Steel types can be cheap, resistant bastards that way.
Thanks Trainer! I thought sarcastically to myself. Thanks for picking the only Elite Four member I’m weak to today!
If he has any sense left in him, he won’t use me in this battle. Of course, this was wishful thinking. Lately, Trainer doesn’t seem to be thinking anything through.
“Go, Scizor!”
Wikstrom’s Scizor looked sinister. Its eyes were hard, calculating. I had no doubt it would be a formidable opponent.
“Aegislash, you’re up!” he said coolly.
Funnily enough, Trainer doesn’t really treat us like a team. I hardly ever get to socialize with the others. I didn’t know what foods Aegislash liked to eat, what things it liked to do — heck, I didn’t even know its gender.
Was that normal?
“Scizor, use Swords Dance.”
Scizor’s body turned a more distinguished red as a box of blue swords appeared and danced around it.
“Aegislash, use Shadow Ball.” Aegislash pulled itself out of its own sheath — which was pretty weird — and launched a gigantic Shadow Ball, one I could only dream of producing.
From the looks of it, Scizor didn’t appreciate taking the attack either.
Wikstrom said cautiously, “Scizor, use—”
“King’s Shield!” Trainer shouted. Aegislash sheathed itself back and hide behind its shield, a ghostly barrier eradicating in front of it.
“—Roost!”
The Scizor’s body glowed brightly, its injuries easily fading away. Trainer’s annoyance was strong enough for me to feel even inside of my Pokeball.
Wikstrom cried out, “Knock Off!”
Scizor, revealing a startling amount of speed, went to smack Aegislash with a dark, left hook.
“Quickly Aegislash — Shadow Ball!”
Is Trainer an idiot? No!
Aegislash sheathed itself out and took an offensive stance, and tried to retaliate with Shadow Ball.
The only problem?
It was too slow. Scizor’s powerful Knock Off landed effortlessly before it could fire its attack, and no thanks to Trainer, Aegislash was no longer in its defensive stance.
It was easily taken out.
“Aegislash is unable to battle. Scizor is the winner.”
Scizor was glaring at Trainer, as if sizing him up. It didn’t even blink. Cold, ruthless, calculating.
This wasn’t good.
Trainer reached out and grabbed my Pokeball. Damn it Trainer, you better not—!
“Go, Gardevoir!”
Oh, here we go.
When I came out, I didn’t bother shouting out my name in triumph. In all honesty, I didn’t stand a chance against Scizor. Its attack has been raised sharply no thanks to its Swords Dance, I have the typing disadvantage, its alarming agility will allow it to control the pace of the battle, and there’s not much I can do in retaliation.
Trainer, I don’t stand a chance against Scizor. Call on someone else!
Trainer’s annoyance rapidly turned into anger. It was overwhelming. “I’m the trainer here, not you!”
Wikstrom looked rightfully confused. I turned my head away from Trainer. I couldn’t bear to look at him.
“It’s time to mega evolve, Gardevoir.” I could hear his voice calling out to me. Despite everything, my anger, my mistrust, and all the pain he’s caused me, I willed my body to listen. The pink cocoon bubbled around me, like usual, but it was distinctly paler than last time. My skirt grew in length, my psychic energies expanded, and my vision went into a super focus.
Even with my power boost, though, I wasn’t confident I could win.
“Scizor, try a Bullet Punch.”
The Scizor’s pinchers grew an impossibly brighter red and it fired its punches in rapid succession. Taking matters into my own hands — Trainer was standing there like an idiot — I teleported out of the way. Trainer reeked of mild annoyance.
Whatever. I had to do something.
“Again, Scizor, now!”
Trainer said boldly, “Shadow Ball!”
I hesitated for a second. There’s no way I’ll fire a Shadow Ball fast enough or strong enough to deter the Scizor from landing a fatal Bullet Punch. I was compelled to disobey him again.
From my hands, I fired a laser quick red beam. The Scizor’s arms reverted back to its normal red and it stopped inches away from my face.
The Scizor looked startled. Bet he didn’t expect me to know Disable.
A Fire Punch should easily finish it off. Before I could fire it up, however, my Trainer’s anger overcame my body. His madness — I never felt an emotion so powerful in my life!
“Why can’t you listen to me, you stupid, asinine, disobedient, son of a bitch?! Didn’t I train you better than that, fuckwit?”
And what about you, Trainer? I thought at him scathingly. You’re not a saint yourself! You’re just a stupid hypocrite who’s too weak to control his emotions! At least I can battle — I certainly didn’t learn how to from you!
“Shut up you stupid, disobedient, disrespectful whore!” Trainer spat. “I don’t even know why I keep such a terrible Pokemon like you!”
His words stung. His anger and hatred was raw. And my power—!
My dress prematurely shrunk, my psychic energies popped, and my vision blurred into a fuzzy nothingness.
I tried to move, but found, to my horror, that I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move. My premature de-mega evolution threw everything out of whack .My pain threshold was fried — everything impossibly hurt! My muscles were paralyzed into place, my vision was a jarring blur — I couldn’t close them, couldn’t even blink, and I could feel them tearing up.
Wikstrom didn’t look like he knew what to do.
“Knock Off?” he commanded uncertainly.
The Scizor mercilessly lunged at me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t access any of my Psychic powers (it hurt too much to try). The last thing I saw before I got knocked out was its Celebi green eyes. Cold, ruthless, calculating.
Why Trainer? What had I done to deserve this? I tried to look past my anger towards you in betterment of our team?
Why couldn’t you do the same?
-o-o-o-
Not even the blank white landscape of my Pokeball could calm me down.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. The only way I’ll be able to mega evolve again is if our relationship can be salvaged.
And right now, that didn’t seem like a possibility.
Still, I had to try. Sure, the logical side of my brain wanted me to skin the bastard alive.
But the practical, loving, caring, Gardevoir side of me was telling me to forgive him. It was telling me to work this out, to get past this, if only to get back the strength I lost.
As much as I hated to admit it, I needed my mega evolution, and for that, I needed Trainer. But it’s so much more than that! I’ve known Trainer my entire life. He wasn’t always like this. Once, he was a bright little kid that could think his way out of anything, a boy who cared for his Pokemon, who always wore a smile.
Back then, the joys and smiles that radiated from him were a force to be reckoned with.
What changed? Why can’t things go back to the way they were? I might have known him all my life, but most of my time is spent in this Pokeball, or in battles.
If he’d just tell me what was wrong, maybe I’d be able to help him—!
“Gardevoir…”
Trainer called me from my Pokeball. The Pokeball’s tug was cold — it didn’t feel like it was sending me out, but pushing me out.
I turned around to see my Pokeball turn rubble grey. Wait, does that mean—!
“I’m done, Gardevoir.” Trainer’s voice was oddly flat. It might have been better if he was angry. At least then I could say he was acting irrationally. “I’m done dealing with a disobedient, disrespectful Pokemon. This is goodbye.”
He started walking away. My blood was abnormally hot, and it was pounding fast. Heck, I could feel it rushing in my ears. I need Trainer, I depended on him, and here he was, ditching me.
What is this feeling that I feel? I knew what it was, but it’s been such a long time since I’ve experienced it. Anger. Livid couldn’t even begin to describe just how infuriated I was!
The only person who’s ever been here for me is me! I depended on you, Trainer, and you failed me. You let me down!
And as his back became almost a speck in the distance, a single thought penetrated my mind: And now, you’re going to pay.
My logical brain called out to me. Rip him apart. Make him pay for what he’s done to us! My body responded to my voice. A dark pink bubble encased itself around me. My skirt grew tremendously in length, my psychic energies expanded past their limits, and my vision came into a mega evolved focus.
I teleported myself in front of him. Trainer’s eyes widened with surprise. Before he even knew what was going on, I used a powerful Psychic and lifted him off the ground effortlessly. He struggled against my Psychic’s hold, but it was useless.
To think, I let such a pathetic excuse as a human beat me so.
I was about to snap his neck when a small, quiet voice spoke in my mind. No! It was quiet, but something about it was so immensely powerful. We are better than this!
Of course — of course the voice would belong to my emotional side. Regardless, my emotional side managed to catch me by surprise. It was never this adamant about something before.
We! Are! Better than this! It insisted. Let him go!
I surprised myself by releasing my grip on him. Trainer seemed more surprised than me.
Consider yourself lucky, Trainer! Trainer flinched. I had never spoken in his mind so powerfully before. If we meet again, I will not hesitate to kill you.
It was easier leaving him after that.
I might have been abandoned and alone in this cynical, horrible world. But, in spite of that, I was happy with my life. This world hasn’t broken me — it’s made me stronger! I have myself.
And that was all I needed.
Summary: I have a confession to make: my trainer abuses me. But I have to forgive him—he's my trainer. Besides, Trainer can't help it—he's emotionally unstable. He needs me to be there for him, to help him through it. So why do I find myself hating him so much?
Feedback: I prefer constructive feedback, negative or positive. However, comments and anything really is fine by me.
The Bonds Within
“Gardevoir, are you ready?”
Trainer looked at me with determined, vivid green eyes, his onyx black hair sweating furiously. This was it. He was down to me, his last Pokemon, against the Kalos champion, Diantha.
I was ready. I nodded my affirmation.
“Then it’s time to mega evolve!” His Key Stone glowed and I felt my inner powers stir, a soft pink cocoon bubbling around me. His voice called out to me, and my body listened. My skirt grew in length, my psychic energies expanded, and my eyesight brought everything into a super focus.
“Gardevoir!” I cried, glaring at my opponent, Diantha’s own mega evolved Gardevoir. The champion’s Kyogre blue eyes sized me up coolly.
Trainer bent down and whispered in my ear, “It’s all up to you. I need you to be strong.”
I sent my thoughts out to his mind. Right!
“Then let’s go. Gardevoir, Moonblast!”
His voice gave me an adrenaline rush. I could feel his heart beating next to mine, even if I wasn’t touching him. I tapped into my huge power repertoire and summoned a Moonblast with both hands and fired it at the opposing Gardevoir.
Diantha’s voice cried out shrilly. “Teleport!”
My opponent narrowly escaped a direct hit, my Moonblast cracking the floor ever so slightly.
Oh no… I could feel my trainer’s anger soaring. “Argh! Don’t be so clumsy, Gardevoir! Focus dammit!”
Gah — I can’t afford to make any mistakes. My trainer was depending on me, and as his Pokemon, it was my job to deliver.
Diantha snapped her fingers. “Now, Calm Mind.”
Her Gardevoir closed her eyes, humming softly.
“Now’s our chance! Shadow Ball!”
With a single thought, a Shadow Ball has manifested in my palms. Using my psychic senses, I aim and fire one, two, three — and finally four Shadow Balls at Diantha’s Gardevoir.
Diantha laughed. “Moonblast, go!”
Her Gardevoir’s eyes snapped open at once. In a blink of an eye, she unleashed five Moonblasts. Oh sweet Arceus, what power! My Shadow Balls were no match for the amplified strength of her Moonblasts. My Shadow Balls exploded, sending dust flying into my eyes.
No! I couldn’t see a thing! If I don’t something fast, I’ll—
“GAARRRRR!” I collapsed to my knees. I don’t know what hit me, but it hurt dearly.
“Hey fuckwit, get up! We can’t afford to lose this!”
Trainer needed me. I-I got to get up. Slowly I started to get back up on my feet.
“Checkmate!” Diantha said with glee. “Hyper Voice, go!”
Her Gardevoir unleashed a horrible sound. My eardrums might have shattered — I couldn’t hear a thing. The sound of her voice was draining my energy. No! My power —!
I collapsed again, this time face down on the floor. I could feel my power ebbing away from me. My skirt shrunk, my vision blurred back to normal, and my psychic senses throbbed of immense pain. No… I failed.
“Fuck.” He glared at me with a deep loathing. “Return, you useless piece of shit. I knew I shouldn’t have relied on you.” His words were a slap in the face. The pull of the Pokeball was a mercy too kind for me.
-o-o-o-
Most humans believe a Pokeball is paradise for a Pokemon — apparently, you get your own landscape, a bed, food, grooming, and baths to boot. Well, let me be the first one to tell you that a Pokeball is nothing like that. It’s a big, vast space of literally nothing. It’s a demonic, eerie white. Trainers believe Pokeballs provide food because, in a Pokeball, your stomach sort of freezes — you don’t get hungry.
In fact, a Pokeball could be described a lot like freezing — a Pokemon’s health state is “frozen” as well, injuries that would normally kill us are put in a suspended state. (It still hurts like nobody’s business though.) The entire scenery could be described as frozen. Nothing moves. There’s no wind, no sunshine, no grass, or anything. Just blank, white nothingness.
My Pokeball is a sacred haven, though, kind of like what a bedroom would be to a human. It gives me time to be alone with myself and my thoughts. It’s usually a comfort.
At times, though, like now, it could be unnerving, because I know what’s coming. Trainer doesn’t take failure too well. He’s an emotional cyclone. Sometimes he’s the best man to be around, and sometimes, he’s the most terrifying being in existence.
He isn’t going to forgive me lightly. Hopefully, he’ll sleep on it and be fine by tomorrow. My trainer is like that, he’s only focused on two time frames: what’s happening now, and what’s not happening now. His anger subsides quickly… usually. I just lost the champion battle — I can bet his anger isn’t going to ebb away so easily.
Snap out of it, Gardevoir — we can’t think that way. With any luck, he’ll forget about me, sleep, and it’ll all be over. I just have to have hope.
“Gardevoir… come on out.”
Lord Arceus, please have mercy…
I came out of my Pokeball, rather reluctantly, trying hard not to meet my Trainer in the eyes.
“Gardevoir, you failed me.” His voice was rugged. My instincts screamed at me to run — being a Gardevoir, I have extraordinary emotional senses. But even without them, it was easy enough to tell that my trainer was livid. He laughed maniacally. “What am I going to do with you, huh?”
He swung his fist at me. I fell down on my bum. He kicked me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me.
“You useless—!“ He kicked me again. “Good for nothing—!“ He kicked me in the face this time, breaking my nose. “Piece of garbage!”
The logical side of me was telling me to retaliate, to pick him up with a Psychic and throw him far, far away from me.
But the emotional, loving side of me told me to take it. He’s my Trainer. Besides — he doesn’t mean it. Like I said, he’s an emotional cyclone. He's bipolar. He can’t help what he’s doing.
And how could I argue with him when he was right? I am useless. I didn’t even dent the Champion’s Pokemon. He relied on me and I failed to deliver.
“What am I going to do with you, Gardevoir?” He looked down at me with nothing but hate. “Answer me!”
He took his hands and wrapped them around my neck. My lungs started burning. Tears clouded my vision. I tried struggling against his grip, but his grasp was too strong — I was too weak to even use a Psychic at this point.
“You’re such a cunt. I don’t know what I ever saw in you.” He released his grip on my neck, but before I could recover, he punched me in the face.
My vision went mercifully black.
-o-o-o-
Gardevoir, I’m so sorry.
I was half awake, and I could sense my Trainer sitting next to me. Looks like he hadn’t recalled me into my Pokeball yet. He was thinking aloud to himself — he probably didn’t think I could hear him, but I could.
It’s not your fault you weren’t strong enough to beat her — it’s my fault. I’m the trainer here. I’m the failure. You don’t deserve this… you deserve someone better than me… Arceus damn it! I’m such a failure! I can’t even work up the courage to apologize to my own Pokemon.
No! I wanted to shout. It’s not your fault — it’s mine. I failed you when you relied on me most! Of course, I didn’t think these thoughts out loudly, lest he hear me. This is my fault. He’s blaming himself for my mistakes!
I’m the failure here, not him. I’m ashamed to even call myself a Gardevoir.
Please forgive me, Gardevoir. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean all those things I said. Really, I didn’t. I-I don’t know what I was thinking. It was irrational to take my anger out on you. I should have been smarter. I should have trained you harder.
It’s me who has failed you. I’m the piece of garbage.
I know, Trainer, I know. I know you didn’t mean all those things you said. You can’t help it. You can’t control your mood swings. And even if you were angry, I deserved it — every bit of it!
His hands gently brushed against my cheeks, and he planted a soft kiss on my forehead.
“I love you, Gardevoir, and I’m so sorry.”
-o-o-o-
Today we were up against Malva, Kalos’ Fire-type Elite Four member.
I tried not to feel guilty — we had already beaten her, but because I had to go and lose, here we were again.
Remember when I had said that Pokeball’s were nothing but an eerie, blank white? Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Pokemon can see outside of their Pokeball. It can go transparent, meaning you can only see outside of the Pokeball.
Thank goodness Trainer wears his Pokeballs on his belt, and not inside his pockets, or I would have no idea what was going on.
Malva’s first Pokemon, a ruthless Pyrorar, was up against Trainer’s docile Greninja. The Pyroar went down easily enough, but thanks to its last minute Wild Charge, Greninja was also taken out for a double knockout.
Trainer had to call his Pokemon out first.
So he called on me.
“Gar!” I shrieked, glaring daggers at Malva. Trainer must have called me out this soon because he was worried: last time, Trainer’s Greninja had steamrolled through half of her team. Looks like, once again, he was relying on me to be the backbone of the battle.
“Go, Volcarona!”
That’s new. She didn’t use that Pokemon in our last battle with her. Trainer sized up the new, foreign Pokemon up wearily. Wordlessly, he activated his Key Stone. Once again, I could hear his voice calling out to me. My body responded, and a pink bubble cocooned itself around me. My skirt grew in length, my psychic energies expanded, and my vision came into a super focus.
“Moonblast!”
A pink, cosmic sphere was forming in my hands. With a single thought, I threw it at the Volcarona.
Malva didn’t flinch. “Quiver Dance.”
The Volcarona’s body started spinning in rapid circles, its body glowing faintly red. It easily evaded the Moonblast, but I had taken the initiative to fire another one, which the Volcarona didn’t dodge.
Of course, being a Fire-type, it resisted the attack anyway.
Trainer, why would you have me use an ineffective attack?
Again, I didn’t dare think it too loudly. Regardless, he should know better now, due to the fact that it did pitiful damage, and—
“Moonblast! Again!”
I turned around, and looked at him with eyes wide. Trainer, don’t you see, the Volcarona—!
“Are you hard of hearing? I said use Moonblast! Now!”
I fired more useless Moonblasts.
Malva smiled to herself — I could feel her confidence ebbing off her from over here. “Quiver Dance!”
The Volcarona spun faster, its body glowing a strong shade of red. Despite the multiple Moonblasts I fired at it, the Volcarona easily danced around them.
Now, what did Quiver Dance do again? I assume it must be a set up move, since it has yet to do damage. Even still, we should proceed with caution. She’s bound to attack soon.
“Gardevoir, try a Shadow Ball attack.”
Well, at least that made more sense than freakin’ Moonblast. I churned out a flurry of Shadow Balls and easily launched them at Volcarona.
Malva simply said “Quiver Dance” again, and the Volcarona’s body turned a blood red and its spinning grew so fast that it made me dizzy just watching it. It easily maneuvered around my Shadow Balls, much to my Trainer’s obvious chagrin.
“Can’t you even aim?” My Trainer asked loudly. Can’t you stop being so stupid? I almost snapped back. I paused. No, I can’t think this way, dang it! Especially not now!
My Trainer’s frustration was making me nervous — no thanks to my emotional senses, of course — but still. I had to focus. I didn’t want to lose again.
“Gardevoir, try Moonblast! One more time!”
Is he for real? He didn’t seriously just say that, did he?
Malva didn’t even wait for me to move. “Quiver Dance!”
The Volcarona span impossibly faster. It finally hit me — I remember what Quiver Dance does! It increases the user’s speed, special attack, and special defense. She could probably take me out with a single attack, but she wasn’t attacking me because she wanted to set up a sweep! She didn’t want to just take me out, but Trainer’s entire team, too!
And after this Quiver Dance, it would all be over. If I didn’t act now, we would lose. So I did the only thing I could think to do: I disobeyed my Trainer.
I concentrated on the Volcarona, and expanded my energies outward. Volcarona went from glowing Entei red to emmitting a soft, Suicune blue color. My body’s strength quadrupled, yet I felt oddly agile. Yes, it was working.
Malva’s confusion was evident, as was her Volcarona’s. She shook her head and cried shrewdly, “Flamethrower!”
Volcarona unleashed a massive jet of flames, at an alarming pace of speed. Thankfully, I proved to be faster, and easily avoided the Flamethrower, reappearing behind the Volcarona effortlessly.
Malva’s confusion evolved into shock. “Wha—?”
With a flick of my hand, psychic orbs surrounded the Volcarona, and with a single thought, I pressed them into the Sun Pokemon.
It was an instant knockout.
The referee stated the obvious. “Volcarona is unable to battle. Gardevoir is the winner!”
My Trainer started dumbly in shock. His ambivalent emanations clouded my emotional radar. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be too mad at me for disobeying him.
Malva, still stunned, recalled her Volcarona wordlessly.
I wonder if she figured it out yet. I used an impromptu Psych Up to copy her Voclarona’s stat changes, then unleashed a powerful Psyshock to break through her bolstered special defenses, using the special attack oomph to obliterate the Volcarona easily.
The tides of the battle had just been turned.
With the Psych Up boost, there was no way any of her remaining Pokemon could take me on in a fight.
Malva laughed, realization dawning onto her. “I forfeit. You did well, Challenger.”
The referee helpfully spoke up. “Malva has forfeited the battle. The victory goes to the challenger. Congratulations!”
-o-o-o-
“Gardevoir, how could you?” Trainer’s eyes were holding back tears. Of course, my emotional senses were going off the radar. I didn’t like what they were telling me. I tried to ignore them. “What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve such a disobedient Pokemon?”
My thoughts reached out to him. Trainer, I had to. We were going to lose. I didn’t want—
“You didn’t want to listen to me, clearly. You wanted to make me look stupid, didn’t you?”
No, Trainer, that’s not true at all!
Trainer growled at me. “Shut the fuck up when I’m talking to you!” I tried backing away from him.
He pulled me by my hair. “You think this is funny, don’t you?” I didn’t know how to respond. “Am I a joke to you, huh?” He punched me in the face, yanking on my hair to keep me from falling. Blood was oozing out of my nose. “Answer me when I’m talking to you, whore!”
My body was trembling. N-no. This isn’t a joke. Honest! I only wanted to win — I didn’t want us to lose! You of all people should understand, Trainer! When he hadn’t said anything, I added, Please, Trainer… please understand, I didn’t want to disobey you…
“Then why did you?”
Because I wanted to win!
Trainer swung a fist at me again. “I don’t care what you want! You listen to me, even if it means we lose. I’m the trainer here!” He punched me again, my eye turning black and blue. “Got it?”
Something in me snapped. Trainer, this is your fault too! Volcarona resists Moonblast! Its Quiver Dance boosted its defenses so high that Moonblast barely even scraped it. You saw it for yourself! Why are you mad at me? I’m the reason we won!
He let go of my hair and punched me in the gut. I collapsed to my knees, my hands on my stomach. “I am well aware that we would have lost! That does not give you the right to disobey me — ever!”
He walked away, leaving me on the floor. My body was shaking, and at that point, I was too weak to even try to stand back up. In my mind, a battle of its own was going on, too.
Use Psychic on him! the logical side of my brain shouted. Don’t let him treat us like that!
Once again, though, my emotional side fought back. He doesn’t mean it! He still loves us!
But we’re in the right! my logical side complained. He wouldn’t have won without us! If we listened to his bogus commands, we would have been swept away like Magikarp!
My emphatic side quickly argued, There is never a justifiable reason to disobey Trainer!
Please, logic laughed, if we lost, he would have taken it out on us anyway.
The emotions in me said weakly, B-but—!
Admit it. Trainer is a hypocrite.
Can you guys shut up, please? This is already hard on me as it is! I don’t need you two making it worse.
None of them said anything after that.
I guess I had better get some sleep for tomorrow’s battle. For the first time in my life, I felt myself siding up with the logical side of me. Trainer shouldn’t be so hard on me. It’s not like I blatantly disobeyed him out of disrespect — I was looking out for not just him, but for us, as a team!
… I can’t afford to think this way. I have to forgive him — he's my trainer. Besides, Trainer can't help it — he's emotionally unstable. He needs me to be there for him, to help him through it.
So why do I find myself hating him so much?
-o-o-o-
This time, it was Wikstrom. The man is dressed in steel clad armor. How peculiar.
Of course, he specializes in steel types. Just my luck — not only is my Fairy typing resisted by Steel, but it’s also weak to it as well. My Psychic typing isn’t doing me any favors here, either, because Steel typing also resists it. Steel types can be cheap, resistant bastards that way.
Thanks Trainer! I thought sarcastically to myself. Thanks for picking the only Elite Four member I’m weak to today!
If he has any sense left in him, he won’t use me in this battle. Of course, this was wishful thinking. Lately, Trainer doesn’t seem to be thinking anything through.
“Go, Scizor!”
Wikstrom’s Scizor looked sinister. Its eyes were hard, calculating. I had no doubt it would be a formidable opponent.
“Aegislash, you’re up!” he said coolly.
Funnily enough, Trainer doesn’t really treat us like a team. I hardly ever get to socialize with the others. I didn’t know what foods Aegislash liked to eat, what things it liked to do — heck, I didn’t even know its gender.
Was that normal?
“Scizor, use Swords Dance.”
Scizor’s body turned a more distinguished red as a box of blue swords appeared and danced around it.
“Aegislash, use Shadow Ball.” Aegislash pulled itself out of its own sheath — which was pretty weird — and launched a gigantic Shadow Ball, one I could only dream of producing.
From the looks of it, Scizor didn’t appreciate taking the attack either.
Wikstrom said cautiously, “Scizor, use—”
“King’s Shield!” Trainer shouted. Aegislash sheathed itself back and hide behind its shield, a ghostly barrier eradicating in front of it.
“—Roost!”
The Scizor’s body glowed brightly, its injuries easily fading away. Trainer’s annoyance was strong enough for me to feel even inside of my Pokeball.
Wikstrom cried out, “Knock Off!”
Scizor, revealing a startling amount of speed, went to smack Aegislash with a dark, left hook.
“Quickly Aegislash — Shadow Ball!”
Is Trainer an idiot? No!
Aegislash sheathed itself out and took an offensive stance, and tried to retaliate with Shadow Ball.
The only problem?
It was too slow. Scizor’s powerful Knock Off landed effortlessly before it could fire its attack, and no thanks to Trainer, Aegislash was no longer in its defensive stance.
It was easily taken out.
“Aegislash is unable to battle. Scizor is the winner.”
Scizor was glaring at Trainer, as if sizing him up. It didn’t even blink. Cold, ruthless, calculating.
This wasn’t good.
Trainer reached out and grabbed my Pokeball. Damn it Trainer, you better not—!
“Go, Gardevoir!”
Oh, here we go.
When I came out, I didn’t bother shouting out my name in triumph. In all honesty, I didn’t stand a chance against Scizor. Its attack has been raised sharply no thanks to its Swords Dance, I have the typing disadvantage, its alarming agility will allow it to control the pace of the battle, and there’s not much I can do in retaliation.
Trainer, I don’t stand a chance against Scizor. Call on someone else!
Trainer’s annoyance rapidly turned into anger. It was overwhelming. “I’m the trainer here, not you!”
Wikstrom looked rightfully confused. I turned my head away from Trainer. I couldn’t bear to look at him.
“It’s time to mega evolve, Gardevoir.” I could hear his voice calling out to me. Despite everything, my anger, my mistrust, and all the pain he’s caused me, I willed my body to listen. The pink cocoon bubbled around me, like usual, but it was distinctly paler than last time. My skirt grew in length, my psychic energies expanded, and my vision went into a super focus.
Even with my power boost, though, I wasn’t confident I could win.
“Scizor, try a Bullet Punch.”
The Scizor’s pinchers grew an impossibly brighter red and it fired its punches in rapid succession. Taking matters into my own hands — Trainer was standing there like an idiot — I teleported out of the way. Trainer reeked of mild annoyance.
Whatever. I had to do something.
“Again, Scizor, now!”
Trainer said boldly, “Shadow Ball!”
I hesitated for a second. There’s no way I’ll fire a Shadow Ball fast enough or strong enough to deter the Scizor from landing a fatal Bullet Punch. I was compelled to disobey him again.
From my hands, I fired a laser quick red beam. The Scizor’s arms reverted back to its normal red and it stopped inches away from my face.
The Scizor looked startled. Bet he didn’t expect me to know Disable.
A Fire Punch should easily finish it off. Before I could fire it up, however, my Trainer’s anger overcame my body. His madness — I never felt an emotion so powerful in my life!
“Why can’t you listen to me, you stupid, asinine, disobedient, son of a bitch?! Didn’t I train you better than that, fuckwit?”
And what about you, Trainer? I thought at him scathingly. You’re not a saint yourself! You’re just a stupid hypocrite who’s too weak to control his emotions! At least I can battle — I certainly didn’t learn how to from you!
“Shut up you stupid, disobedient, disrespectful whore!” Trainer spat. “I don’t even know why I keep such a terrible Pokemon like you!”
His words stung. His anger and hatred was raw. And my power—!
My dress prematurely shrunk, my psychic energies popped, and my vision blurred into a fuzzy nothingness.
I tried to move, but found, to my horror, that I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move. My premature de-mega evolution threw everything out of whack .My pain threshold was fried — everything impossibly hurt! My muscles were paralyzed into place, my vision was a jarring blur — I couldn’t close them, couldn’t even blink, and I could feel them tearing up.
Wikstrom didn’t look like he knew what to do.
“Knock Off?” he commanded uncertainly.
The Scizor mercilessly lunged at me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t access any of my Psychic powers (it hurt too much to try). The last thing I saw before I got knocked out was its Celebi green eyes. Cold, ruthless, calculating.
Why Trainer? What had I done to deserve this? I tried to look past my anger towards you in betterment of our team?
Why couldn’t you do the same?
-o-o-o-
Not even the blank white landscape of my Pokeball could calm me down.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. The only way I’ll be able to mega evolve again is if our relationship can be salvaged.
And right now, that didn’t seem like a possibility.
Still, I had to try. Sure, the logical side of my brain wanted me to skin the bastard alive.
But the practical, loving, caring, Gardevoir side of me was telling me to forgive him. It was telling me to work this out, to get past this, if only to get back the strength I lost.
As much as I hated to admit it, I needed my mega evolution, and for that, I needed Trainer. But it’s so much more than that! I’ve known Trainer my entire life. He wasn’t always like this. Once, he was a bright little kid that could think his way out of anything, a boy who cared for his Pokemon, who always wore a smile.
Back then, the joys and smiles that radiated from him were a force to be reckoned with.
What changed? Why can’t things go back to the way they were? I might have known him all my life, but most of my time is spent in this Pokeball, or in battles.
If he’d just tell me what was wrong, maybe I’d be able to help him—!
“Gardevoir…”
Trainer called me from my Pokeball. The Pokeball’s tug was cold — it didn’t feel like it was sending me out, but pushing me out.
I turned around to see my Pokeball turn rubble grey. Wait, does that mean—!
“I’m done, Gardevoir.” Trainer’s voice was oddly flat. It might have been better if he was angry. At least then I could say he was acting irrationally. “I’m done dealing with a disobedient, disrespectful Pokemon. This is goodbye.”
He started walking away. My blood was abnormally hot, and it was pounding fast. Heck, I could feel it rushing in my ears. I need Trainer, I depended on him, and here he was, ditching me.
What is this feeling that I feel? I knew what it was, but it’s been such a long time since I’ve experienced it. Anger. Livid couldn’t even begin to describe just how infuriated I was!
The only person who’s ever been here for me is me! I depended on you, Trainer, and you failed me. You let me down!
And as his back became almost a speck in the distance, a single thought penetrated my mind: And now, you’re going to pay.
My logical brain called out to me. Rip him apart. Make him pay for what he’s done to us! My body responded to my voice. A dark pink bubble encased itself around me. My skirt grew tremendously in length, my psychic energies expanded past their limits, and my vision came into a mega evolved focus.
I teleported myself in front of him. Trainer’s eyes widened with surprise. Before he even knew what was going on, I used a powerful Psychic and lifted him off the ground effortlessly. He struggled against my Psychic’s hold, but it was useless.
To think, I let such a pathetic excuse as a human beat me so.
I was about to snap his neck when a small, quiet voice spoke in my mind. No! It was quiet, but something about it was so immensely powerful. We are better than this!
Of course — of course the voice would belong to my emotional side. Regardless, my emotional side managed to catch me by surprise. It was never this adamant about something before.
We! Are! Better than this! It insisted. Let him go!
I surprised myself by releasing my grip on him. Trainer seemed more surprised than me.
Consider yourself lucky, Trainer! Trainer flinched. I had never spoken in his mind so powerfully before. If we meet again, I will not hesitate to kill you.
It was easier leaving him after that.
I might have been abandoned and alone in this cynical, horrible world. But, in spite of that, I was happy with my life. This world hasn’t broken me — it’s made me stronger! I have myself.
And that was all I needed.
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