(*walks into the dark room and covers nose while blindly feeling around, flinching at a crack of glass* Ugh, what the...? *feels a large scaly mass and pats it* Rayquaza. Yo, you up?)
*no response*
(Where's my light? *fumbles to pull out phone and bring up the flashlight to see Rayquaza coiled up* Rayquaza, get up.)
*still no response*
(*walks around to find his head and pokes it* Hey. Come on, Ray, it's been a year. Chop chop.)
*still no response*
(*scowling* ...I can hear you breathing, you know.)
*suddenly pulls head away and growls* I live up in fucking space, what makes you think I can breathe?!
(Oh, good, you're still your same-old self.)
Leave me alone!
(Why? It's already been a year, you'd think you'd be happy to see me.)
Anyone but you!
(Where're the lights?)
Electricity's out. It was disrupting my beauty sleep.
(*quickly looks around with the flashlight at the puddles of glass shards* Dude, you blew out the lights?!)
Maybe they exploded, you don't know that! You humans and your cheap methods of saving electricity are so pitiful, it's almost hilarious.
(Why didn't you blow a crater in the ceiling why you were at it?)
I told you, light disrupts my beauty sleep!
(...You sleep on top of the world's tallest pillar.)
*bares teeth* And it's no wonder that I'm such a ray of sunshine.
(Well a third of your name is "Ray", so...)
Can you just go away and leave me to sleep in peaceful nothingness forever since you're not going to return to the story anyway?
(Geez, I'm sorry I've left you guys in the dark for so long, I've just had other things to do.)
Liar.
(How about this, Rayquaza? You answer these questions and leave one for... whoever, I'll let you go. I'll find someone else to interview.)
And leave me to my misery?
(Did you want to talk to someone or not?!)
My head's been hurting for several years and I don't know why!
(But that's no excuse to get mad at me!)
I just want to come back into the limelight! *starts sniffling*
(...Wait... are you crying?)
No!
(Ray, why're you crying?)
Don't call me that! No one can call me that but my friends!
(*dumbfounded* ...Uh...)
*struggling to stop weeping*
(*uncomfortable* Um... maybe I should come back another time—)
No, just—! Give me a moment! *turns head away to loudly snort mucus back up*
(*cringes while looking around*)
*pauses* Okay... I'm ready.
(...You sure?)
Just get it over with.
(*silently pulls up the questions* I'll read them off to you, then.)
*nods*
(Okay... this might be a bit weird 'cause it's kind of a human question, but what do you do for a living and how many people do a work like yours?)
I can't believe you interrupted my sleep for that.
(Good to know you're back to your normal, sarcastic self. Honestly was worried there for a sec.)
Oh, screw you. I better get compensation for this.
(Why? You told me your dick is big enough as it is. *cheekily smirks*)
My genitals are not open for tours at this time.
(*face faults* Ew, can you get on with answering the question?)
Does "satellite destruction" count?
(...Well, uh... what exactly do you do up in the O-zone layer, anyway?)
Destroy anything that gets into my territory be it rock or metal, and absorb most of the radioactive solar rays that would've cooked your planet alive. I'd say "you're welcome", but everyone is fucking dead, so there's no point to it.
(...The O-zone layer already protects the earth from solar rays.)
Bitch, the O-zone layer is my goddamn responsibility, and you humans have turned it into a junkyard. The hell else am I supposed to do?
(What about being Groudon and Kyogre's overseer?)
*snorts and folds arms* More like their babysitter. I wish those two would grow up already. The mass extinction didn't turn them into friends overnight, you know.
(*aside* Finally, we're getting somewhere. *out loud* Next question: If you're doing anything to bring about progress in your life or community, and if so, what are you doing?)
I mean, we were supposed to be cleaning up the planet and then get right into making babies—if there were more females who could handle my girth—but I'm like in some coma or something right now inside the Tree of Beginning. So progress has gone out the window and into the atmosphere. Thanks, kid.
(Don't call me a kid.)
To me all of you humans are. *leans in with a sneer* Don't tempt me otherwise.
(*stares back* ...I don't get it. What do you mean by that?)
You're this close to becoming cattle.
(That's lovely, but apparently that hasn't stopped you from thinking that way before.)
Oh, that would just spice things up a bit if I would.
(Which leads to the final question: If you could do anything you wanted without consequences, what would you do?)
*guffaws*
(Yeah, I thought so.)
Hold that thought, missy. Pokémon consequence is different from human consequence. I didn't get in trouble for that incident given my status, however, if another Legendary were to have gotten caught up in it, then maybe I would've been in deep shit. The world has to follow a balance, the natural order if you will, and us Legendaries have to uphold it. We may fight and get on each others' nerves all the time, but we can't get rid of the other even if we wanted to. Y'know, Mewtwo was tempting fate those years back when he wanted to take over the world. Don't think there was much he could've done to us, but he wouldn't have been allowed to live had he continued.
(I still think Mewtwo would've kicked your butt anyway, but that's just me.)
Yeah, well... *juts his jaw back-and-forth* ...maybe nowadays he can give us a good challenge, but not back then. Inexperience, you know.
(So to answer the question, you're admitting you want to kill one of your fellow Legendaries without consequence.)
Don't go putting words in my mouth, why would I do that?
(You've wanted Deoxys dead for years.)
That's different. That was before he was allowed into the Legendary circle. *beat* And now I can't even if I wanted to.
(So then what would you like to do without consequence if Arceus or God or whoever granted that permission to you?)
*grins evilly and then snickers* I want to make Deoxys my personal slave. That little smartass needs someone to put him in his place on the pecking order.
(*facepalms*)
Can't believe you humans allow slavery to be a thing and get away with it.
(Rayquaza, you of all people—Pokémon should know about the cruelties of human nature if you're going to act so high-and-mighty.)
I wasn't talking about capturing Pokémon into Poké Balls just because Mewtwo wouldn't shut up about it back then.
(That's not what I meant—ugh, never mind.)
Actually, I wouldn't mind humans being my slaves, either. Most of Hoenn used to worship me, that's practically slavery when you think about it.
(Servitude is not slavery, Rayquaza.)
Think they would've done anything I wanted them to do, you reckon?
(*pinches brows* Goddamn it, Rayquaza...)
So once I ask my question, you'll let me go? Free me from the shackles of my inner torment?
(What torment?)
Don't play dumb, human! My gut tells me I'm next up, and I've been waiting to come back into the picture! You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this moment!
(Join the club.)
*hisses* What's that supposed to mean?
(*pats his snout* I'll see what I can do. I've been looking forward to working with you for a long time, too, I've just had to... do other things for a while.)
*narrows eyes before pulling back* Alright. This is my final question—
(I mean, there's always that chance someone will want to ask you something.)
I'll take a rain check, but you've promised.
(Never said "promised", but I'm no longer going to be holding you here. I'll track you down if I have to like I did with Deoxys.)
Hmph. Fine, then. *faces camera* What was the worst year of your life?
(...)
What is with that look?
(Nothing. Whatever, get out of here while I bring in my next guest.)
*flicks claw across nose in annoyance and crashes through the ceiling and outside*
(*crawls out from taking cover* Are you serious?! Ugh, whatever. Mnnngh, who do I want to bring in next? *goes through mental list* Uh... *struggles to snap fingers before finally getting it and in poofs both Darkrai and Cresselia*)
[they scream and grab on to each other]
(Oops.)