The Chime of School Survival [Rated G :P]

[mespritchaser]

This was Ring! Thee Bells Of Adventure!, but I made a mistake. ^^" I followed the words of advice from the previous thread, so yeah.
*New AND Improved!*
Alright. Let`s move on! \/

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THE CHIME OF SCHOOL SURVIVAL [RATED G ]

CHAPTER 1 - CHINGLING`S RUNAWAY
"Yay! I`m finished!" Chingling said on a stormy Saturday, stretching out her little arms. She was a five-year-old orphan who was adopted and lived with Mightyena and Poochyena. They were both mean and cruel, and wouldn`t even let her step outside, except if she has duties.

She had just finished tidying up her little room. There wasn`t much in it, except a yellow bed and a cabinet to put her toys in.

"You`re finished alright! Finished with playtime!" Poochyena shouted from the outside of her room. Poochyena was a nine-year-old big bully, he would torture Chingling whenever he can.

"Stop it, Poochyena! You always say that after I clean my room!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Poochyena went inside her room. "It`s tidy all right, but not as full as mine!"

"You have lots of things in your room!" Chingling said. "And they`re scattered around!"

Poochyena`s room is full of toys and collectibles. He just throws them wherever he wants to. His room was a complete opposite from Chingling`s.

"At least my room have lots of items. I`m the greatest."

"Again?! You always say you`re the greatest!" Chingling shouted, letting her head drop to the side and put on a forced confused face.

"I know you`re getting sick because I keep on saying the same things everyday." Poochyena stepped out of her room. "Well, guess what? It`s lunchtiiime!"

"Really?" Chingling opened her eyes wide. "Then I`m going to be firster than you!"

Poochyena rolled on the floor, laughing. "Firster? Why didn`t you just say 'I`m going to be ahead of you!'? What shaaaame, Chingling!"

Chingling started crying. Her cry was probably the most annoying thing in the world - the world of the Poochyena Household, that is.

"Hey!" Mightyena said. "Who`s crying again?"

"Ching is, Dad!" Poochyena shouted. He turned to Chingling. "See ya!"

Chingling followed Poochyena downstairs, still crying.

"What`s the matter?" Mightyena asked, grouchy. He wasn`t really a nice guy - he only was to Poochyena, his son. But to others around him, especially
Chingling, Mightyena was never nice.

"P-P-Poochyena said th-that I d-didn`t ever g-go to s-school..." Chingling stammered.

"Isn`t it right, Dad? Ching never went to school!" Poochyena teased.

"I want to go to school, Daddy!" Chingling begged Mightyena. "Please? P-l-e-e-s?"

"Please is, P-L-E-A-S-E! You learn a lot more here in the household than anywhere else! Besides, you never went anywhere, anyway."

"But, I want to explore the world outside, Daddy..." Chingling stopped crying.

"Stop calling me your father!" Mightyena was furious. "If you want to go to school, then go find something decent there!

"But, but--"

"I don`t care what you find!" Mightyena held Chingling by her tassels, threw her out of their door, and locked it.

"Good riddance to the noisy bell!" Poochyena shouted from inside.

It was rainy outside, and stormy, too. Chingling cried again, while she moved away from the house she used to live in.

They don`t like me, Chingling thought. Dad, I mean, Mightyena and Poochyena don`t like me. I wonder why?

All of a sudden, thunder rolled.

"Aaaah!" Chingling hopped to the nearest tree and sheltered herself there. It had a yellowish color. She clung on to the bark tight.

Suddenly, she heard buzzing sounds. She looked around and saw nothing. Chingling shivered, and saw an army of Combee led by a Vespiquen.

"Attack!" Vespiquen said. The Combee army rushed toward Chingling, ready to attack. Chingling hopped away as fast as possible, but she was quite cautious as thunder still roared.

She hopped far, far away until the Combee army haven`t reached her. She clinged on to another tree, hoping that she won`t be chased again.

"Hey!" a Bidoof peeked out from his peephole. "Out! Out! This is no place for a bell like you! Shoo!"

"Not again!" Chingling hopped as far as she could...again.

For every tree she stopped, she was always chased by a Pokémon. She had been chased off by a Combee, a Bidoof, an Aipom, a Burmy, a Dustox and a Beautifly, and Cherubi. After the chase, Chingling thought that no one really like her after all.

She had already reached far away. She arrived at a big town where there were many illustrious buildings and interesting shops, such as a bank, a café and a bookstore

Suddenly, Chingling found the place she wanted to go; Chansey`s Kindergarten.

 

[Llama_Guy]

"You`re finished alright! Haha!" Poochyena shouted from the outside of her room. Poochyena was a nine-year-old big bully, he would torture Chingling whenever he can.

"Stop it, Poochyena! You always say that after I clean my room!"

I understand Poochyena's following words, but what Poochyena said right here doesn't seem in any way offending or annoying.

"Again?! You always say you`re the greatest!" Chingling shouted as she dropped to her knees, letting her head drop to the side and put on a forced confused face.

Don't thing Chinglings has knees... they merely have some round dots attached to a head

Poochyena rolled on the floor, laughing. "Firster? Why didn`t you just say 'I`m going to be ahead of you!'? It`s obvious you didn`t ever go to school!"

Five-year old and school? Okay, things may work different with Pokés, but with her maturity level, she's hardly ready to start school at all...

"Please is, P-L-E-A-S-E! You learn a lot here in the household than anywhere else! Besides, you never went anywhere, anyway."

Either "You learn a lot here in the household, more than anywhere else!" or "You learn a more here in the household than anywhere else"

There was probably other stuff too, but I'm a bit tired, so I won't bother too much with grammatical detail etc. Anyway, the story could be interesting, but there's some problems here:

- You're lacking in description. I don't really get the feeling or sensation of where this take place, what it looks like etc. Work in some more descriptions of the scenes around Chingling (without going overboard, though).

- Characterization, feelings and the like could use some work. I did in a way get the feeling that they were young through their dialog, but there was little other than that to make out their personalities. More feelings, too. More "they don't like me", for example (okay, five-year-old, but I do think they have thoughts regarding cases like that than what you portrayed). And when Mightyena got angry, wouldn't that scare her a lot, like, awe-inspiring fear or something? Surely he must have come off as something more terrible than just shouty words to Chingling? And why did she even live with a Poochyena and a Mightyena anyway?

- A lot of things seem out of place, or, well, random. Like she was suddenly thrown out there and then (why not before?), she lived with a Poochyena and a Mightyena, she suddenly got attacked by a swarm of Combee (why didn't they attack the others? I hardly believe they have a vendetta against our poor Chingling, unless of course they're just a swarm of McGuffins you created so you could let Chingling go around and get rejected in order to manifest the element of her being unliked even stronger. But that's the same thing... anyway, as I said, this could be interesting, in a way, but you've got to improve some. I recommend getting a mentor from the Beta House to help you out a bit. Trust me, it helps

 

[mespritchaser]

Thanks for the advice! This was actually my first fanfic so I really have lots of flaws here. ^^" Anyway, I`ll check out that Beta House. :-bd
*Edit: I forgot to tell that she was an orphan, someone left her on Mightyena`s front door, so she was adopted. :-bd

 

[oRaNgE~1337]

The Beta House is as slow as molasses, so I could be a Beta Reader in the meantime if you wanted me to.

I can't really criticize since Llama Guy pretty much got everything down.

 

[mespritchaser]

Really? @D If you could be, thanks so much! I really need some good advice.