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The Chronicles:Kanto

What Normal type Pokemon should Nick Get from his Dad as a gift?

  • Dunsparce

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • Aipom

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Hoothoot

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • Teddiursa

    Votes: 2 66.7%
  • Sentret

    Votes: 1 33.3%

  • Total voters
    3
  • Poll closed .
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DunsparceGX

Guest
This is my first FanFic, so please tell me exactly what you think ok.

"blah"=talking

'blah'=thinking


Chapter 1:The Beginning

The sun shines brightly in Kanto over a simple two story brick house with a blue roof.This is the house of our hero. "Uhhhhh." yawned a sleepy boy "Another troublesome day and to think living in a house all alone for the summer was fun,"said the young teen sarcastically.

'At least I get to start my pokemon journey today.'He left his fairly large room. It was a pretty nice room with blue wallpaper with a pokeball design on it, a queen sized bed with a pokeball designed blanket, a blue pillow barely hanging off the bed, and a few shelves here and there.He slid down a fleet of stairs into the kitchen which was a normal looking kitchen.

"Eevee, flareon wake up it's breakfast time." yelled the future trainer two his only to pokemon. His pokemon joined him for breakfast.As soon as they were finished eating, the phone rung.

"Coming."said the young teen to the phone.He picked the phone up to hear laughing 'if it's
a prank caller I'll kill them' then a voice broke his thoughts "Hello Nick is that you?" a
female voice said

"Yes it's me Ma'am" said Nick sleeply

"As usual you're always wide and awake."said the voice giggling and after hearing that comment Nick anime fainted "Hello Nick are you there?"said the woman

"YES I'm here Mrs.Ketchum!" said Nick with a bit of annoyance in his voice.

"I just wanted to let you know Ash will come over in a minute or two."


Then the phone hung up " Ohhhh great I get to have a little friend with me on my journey."said Nick with an extreme amount of sarcasm in his voice.He got dressed in a black t-shirtwith a pair of jeans and a belt for carrying pokeballs.

There was a knock on the door.

"Looks like Ash is here."said Nick in his usual lazy voice "COMING." yelled Nick to Ash

"Okay."said Ash from behind the door Nick got his stuff packed in a backpack

"Okay Flareon you have to watch eevee and the house until mom gets back okay."said Nick to his best companion
"Flareon," said the blazing pokemon in front of Nick. Nick opened the door and walked outside to his "little friend" and he locked the door and they started off to Oak's lab.

"So Ash what's your dream" said Nick trying to start up a coversation

"It's simple Nick to be a the greatest Pokemon Master." Ash said punching the air " Well Ash you'll have to beat me first before you can do that 'cause that's my dream to." said Nick while putting his hands behind his head

"I Guess that makes us rivals." said Ash "okay but, lets take the rivalry to the battles okay." then someone interrupted their chat.


Please review!
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
What you've done wrong:

Probably wrote this in the Reply Box.
Didn't properly Paragraph it.
Used a noob RPing style, I.E the Alterisk/whatever this * is for authors notes.
It's way too short.
Characters are flat :/
Description is flat.
Plot seems to be cliche pokemon training thing :/


I was wrong with calling the last fic I reviewed pathetic. This is :/ this feels more like a bad summarisasion of a chapter than anything else. It's rushed, tacky and well. Icky.

How you can improve:

Listen to the advice people give you :/
Read Rules for Aspiring Authors
Read Fanfiction Rules
Try to make characters seem more real
Try to describe scenes, emotions, people better. And Pokemon.
Try to go for something less rushed and longer.
And many other things no doubt :/
 

Tale

Well-Known Member
Yeah, alright, lets not go AWOL over this whole thing.

and be accepted into the forums
What kind of talk is that?? I was completely unaware that there was an 'acception' process. I myself had no idea that the fanfiction section was like some kind of club.

In fact, I thought this was a place where people would post their stories, that THEY wrote themselves, and for all you know, took ages writing as they could find it incredibly difficult, and then post it HOPING to get actual HELP. You've posted here with the intention of putting this fic down, and theres no denying it. Your sole intention was to call this fic '****' basically. You just disguised that intention by mentioning three points, two of which fit into a single sentence that wasn't even a line. You can't be bothered to expand on the points you made, and post with the intention of helping this aspiring writer whos written this fic to the best of his ability, I'm sure. No you posted to tell him he was crap and that he hasn't read the rules.

Not everyone understands rules perfectly whenever they read them. They need to learn them through mistakes, as does everyone. Unless you're perfect. Which nobody is.

This guy posted his fic, and fics get reviews, not people who rant, completely kill the hope that floats in the hearts of these aspiring writers, and then order them to read the rules over. Rules aren't read and completely understood first time, especially rules as complex and diverse as the ones in the fanfic section.

Dunsparce. What I advise you do is take a look at other fics. Read a couple of five star ones, as well as a couple of One star fics. Reading five/four star fics will get you accustomed to the standard most overly-critical readers want on these forums (they're inescapable I'm afraid). Reading one star fics, and their reviews, will help you gain advice and learn from others mistakes through the decent reviews given. You'll aslo see that you're not the only one who has to face the people that dont give a **** about how you feel about your piece of writing.

Anyway, accept any decent advice, and learn, and you'll improve. Just stick at it, dont let others put you off.

Edit: DO NOT DELETE THIS FIC.
 
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DunsparceGX

Guest
you guys reveiwed while i was editing!!
 
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Astinus

Well-Known Member
Will it make y'all happy if I gave him a full review and tell him what's wrong with his fic? Fine. Here it is.

Everything bolded is a correction.

DunsparceGX said:
This is my first FanFic, so please tell me exactly what you think ok.

"blah"=talking

'blah'=thinking

`Knock`=verb

Chapter 1:The Beginning

The sun shines brightly in Kanto over a simple two story brick house with a blue roof.This is the house of our hero. "Uhhhhh," yawned a sleepy boy. "Another troublesome day and to think living in a house all alone for the summer was fun," said the young teen sarcastically.

'At least I get to start my pokemon journey today.' He left his fairly large room. It was a pretty nice room with blue wallpaper with a pokeball design on it, a queen sized bed with a pokeball designed blanket, a blue pillow barely hanging off the bed, and a few shelves here and there. He slid down a fleet of stairs into the kitchen which was a normal looking kitchen.

"Eevee, Flareon, wake up it's breakfast time!" yelled the future trainer to his only two pokemon. His pokemon joined him for breakfast. As soon as they finished eating, the phone rung.

"Coming," said the young teen to the phone. He picked the phone up to hear laughing. 'If it's a prank caller I'll kill them.' Then a voice broke his thoughts. "Hello Nick is that you?" a
female voice said.

"Yes it's me, Ma'am," said Nick sleeply.

"As usual you're always wide and awake," said the voice giggling and after hearing that comment Nick anime fainted "Hello, Nick are you there?" said the woman.

"YES I'm here Mrs.Ketchum!" said Nick with a bit of annoyance in his voice.

"I just wanted to let you know Ash will come over in a minute or two."

Then the phone hung up. "OhOhhhh great I get to have a little friend with me on my journey," said Nick with an extreme amount of sarcasm in his voice. He got dressed in a black t-shirt with a pair of jeans and a belt for carrying pokeballs.`

Knock,Knock` Just a suggestion, say that there was a knock on the door.

"Looks like Ash is here," said Nick in his usual lazy voice. "COMING!" yelled Nick to Ash.

"Okay," said Ash from behind the door. Nick got his stuff packed as in a toothbrush, a jacket, extra pokeballs, and etc.Here, replace stuff with all that you listed, and then place "his backpack" where the list was.

"Okay Flareon, you have to watch Eevee and the house until Mom gets back okay," said Nick to his best companion.

"Flareon," said the blazing pokemon in front of Nick. Nick opened the door and walked outside to his "little friend" and he locked the door and they started off to Oak's lab.

There, every grammatical problem that I could find was fixed. I even fixed the paragraphing to show you what I was talking about.

Characters: Nick is shown to be lazy, so you at least got some characterization in. However, I hope that you can explain why he doesn't like Ash, why he's getting a starter Pokémon from Oak when he already has two, and at least some of his physical qualities. Do the same with Ash, as you want to make it so that a non-Pokémon fan could read your fic. Which means that you have to describe what Eevee and Flareon look like.

Or is this an entirely different Ash Ketchum? I'm assuming that this is the same one from the show, so I would expect to see an explanation as to why he is there.

Plot: The basic OT plot. Except it seems like Nick is not starting off with an Eevee. It might be one of the Kanto starters, or something completely different. Though seeing as how they are heading off to Oak's lab, I would expect to see one of the starters.

Grammar: You need to remember to have a seperate paragraph everytime someone new starts talking. I did that for you in here to show you what I mean. You also were missing spaces between words and the beginning and endings of your sentences. I did that for you too. Also, punctuation was missing, which I included in for you.

From my act of proof-reading, I hope that I showed you what I was trying to get across. I don't expect to see William freaking Shakespeare in your next chapter, but some improvement would be nice.

Try to read the stickies at the top of the fanfiction forum. They tell you all the advice that you would need to know to make it or break it in the fanfiction forum. If there is anything at all in the known universe that you can't understand, please PM me! I'll be willing to help you out! That's all that I'm here for!

I wish you bunches of luck on this quest that you are taking to be a writer! May people look beyond all of your mistakes and see the talent that you have!

(Now I am going to delete my old post, and put this one in its place.)

thanks dude

I'm female. :/
 
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DunsparceGX

Guest
thanks dudet(better)
 
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DunsparceGX

Guest
The eevee and flareon belong to his Mom and Nick's dad Is a pokemon master .nick will get a gift at the lab from his dad and he will get a johto starter all from his dad the johto starter he will get will be a baby so nick will get two baby johto pokemon.He gets baby pokemon because i like raising them baby and up. Nick is not very social cause he was the only one living there until ash moved there as well but wait. nick will stay lazy but lighten up
to other people including a mystery person from hoenn
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
On-topic: Oh...so that's the explanation behind the Eevee and Flareon. Okay. Now I just wonder what Pokémon Nick is going to get.

Off-topic: Porygon2lover, could you please just leave Yami Ryu alone? She's a great person, and I don't want to see her leave again because of people insulting her. She has a lot of experience in the fanfiction world, and she knows what she's talking about. She just posts like that because that's the way she is. So please, stop insulting her.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
P2L: Yes, please stfu :/ I tried to help you once too and you ignored me, and look where it got you.

Tale: If that was at me well thanks :/

Dunsparce: Overall your fic is still in the 'one star rating' class as it still feels rushed, the characters still feel flat. I feel like you wrote this up in the reply box- and didn't you know you're supposed to post the whole damn chapter together, not just 'part'? You still need work grammar wise, and properly structuring a paragraph. If Nick is so lazy why is he becoming a pokemon trainer? How is it he was the only one supposedly there, if it seems others are there/around him? Or do you mean he and his parents are in this place alone, untill Ash visited. And don't double post, use the edit button Dunsparce.

Overall my first post still stands as a review :/
 
D

DunsparceGX

Guest
What I'm talking about is Nick was the first one to move on the land and then Ash moved there, Get it? And Nick might be lazy but gets serious when he puts his mind to something. Nick wants to become a pokemon master because he loves pokemon.
 
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DunsparceGX

Guest
I got one more question how do i post new chapters ?
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
What you do is just copy your chapter from word/an equivalent and post it in the quick reply box. To get it moved, all you have to do is ask a mo once you have finished.
 

Tale

Well-Known Member
Ren, you should know that wasn't at you. Why would I want to say that to you of all people?

Porygon2lover: Yami Ryu reviewed and made points. You didn't. You spammed, therefore you're in the wrong.

I was honestly expecting to be torn apart after that outburst. Thanks Hanako for taking in what I had to say.
 
Ding, unhappy morning Dragon incoming.


What the HELL is the point of putting information such as that outside of the chapter? Most will ignore it, if it's relevent to the fic then why isn't it in there? The other thing of course is this blatant pointless bumping by posting things that could as well be in a chapter or of no relevence.

Says rather clearly in the fic rules not to double post the pointless stuff, if people want to know when the next is coming surely they'll (hopefully) have the sense to pm or wait like good little children with an ounce of paitence.

Just as a little advice before I go to college, first fanfiction is _never_ an excuse. Looking back now my first was terrible from a few years ago now sicne I have kept the copy but I made sure to keep over a page, cover basic standards and work on the help given to improve.

*boing*

Sandra
 
D

DunsparceGX

Guest
Chapter 2:A New "Little Freind"


The person standing in front of Ash and Nick was a girl that looked like she was in her early teens, she had her brown hair sticking out on both sides of her head covering her ears, she wore a red short sleeved shirt, with a white skirt, and a black pair of shorts.

" So whom might you be," asked Nick sleeply as usual to the girl in front of
him.

" I thought it was common courtesy to tell me your name first, isn't it
gentlemen?" said the girl with a bit of sarcasm in her voice.

'Ohohhh great! Another person to deal with, why me, why meeeeee?' said Nick to himself when a voice broke him from his thoughts.

" Uhhhh..NICK! WE GOT TO GET TO THE LAB!" shouted Ash as he was gripping
tighter on his backpack and running in place.

" Well we are.....let's see... an hour early so we could introduce ourselves and get to the lab." stated Nick lazily.

"Okay then, I'm Ash, and I want to become the greatest pokemon trainer ever!"
stated Ash while punching the air, while putting a smile on.

"well I geuss I'm next.... hi I'm Nick and I want to get to the lab." stated Nick sarcastically,while smiling.

" Well, hi I'm May and I want to be the best coordinater ever." said May while
hearts appeared in her eyes.After the introductions were over Ash and May were briskly walking while Nick on the other hand, was leaning back with his hands behind his head with his eyes closed.

Then Nick broke the silence, "Man, it's a pretty long way to the lab, so why don't we rest and eat." said Nick while putting on a stupid looking grin on.

" That would be great." said Ash while he was drooling with his hand on his stomach over the thought of food.

" Well we could go have a good bite to eat over there." said Nick while pointing to a spot on the open feild where there stood a few trees that gave plenty of shade, and since the the wind was blowing slightly it looked like thegrass was a rippling sea of green.

" Wow it's so beautiful." said May while she had stars appearing in her eyes.

" Well quit staring and let's start eating." said Nick.

" Oh!" said May while running over to Nick and Ash.

"Well I hope you guys like riceballs, dango, and ramen!" yelled Nick, and all Ash and May could do is stare at the meal and dig in.After they were done eating Nick packed the stuff he got out back into his backpack.

" Well we need to get to the lab so they got back to the dirt path they were previously on, and heade off to the lab once again.

" I can't wait 'till we get to the lab." said Ash energeticly.

" Yep I can't wait either 'cause my Dad sent my pokemon to the Prof. and did
you know they were from another region." said Nick while smirking slightly.

" Wow I wonder what it's going to be." said Ash while going deep into thought about what Nick said.

" You mean 'they' Ash, my Dad's sending me two pokemon, and the best part
about it is they are just hatchlings." said Nick while going back to his lazy state, and before you know it they were in front of a giant white building with a ranch-like area in the back with various pokemon in it roaming freely, and a windmill in the back as well.

"Wow." is all Nick, Ash, and May could say.Then the three stepped inside to find an elderly
man at a computer typing various thing, then he pushed a button and then the old man noticed them and left his work and avanced forward to the three young teens smiling a
cheerful looking smile spread across his face.

"Why hello there Ash, Nick and...erm... who might you be."asked the old man.

" I'm May and I'm pleased to meet you Prof. Oak." stated May while shaking Prof. Oaks hand.

" Well I guess you three are here to obtain your pokemon, I presume?" asked an eager Prof.
Oak.

"Yes." said the three teens.

" Well let me give you your pokemon, and especially you Nick I have to give you your two
pokemon." said the Professor holding four pokeballs in his hand.

please review! that's all for now

*A/N: it might be short but you know how laptaps work you work a while and they get extremely hot!.*my hands are on fire! ToT*
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Sorry Tale, just been one of those weeks.


DunsparceGX: Use those orbs in your head.

What you've done wrong:

Probably wrote this in the Reply Box.
Didn't properly Paragraph it.
Used a noob RPing style, I.E the Alterisk/whatever this * is for authors notes.
It's way too short.
Characters are flat :/
Description is flat.
Plot seems to be cliche pokemon training thing :/


I was wrong with calling the last fic I reviewed pathetic. This is :/ this feels more like a bad summarisasion of a chapter than anything else. It's rushed, tacky and well. Icky.

How you can improve:

Listen to the advice people give you :/
Read Rules for Aspiring Authors
Read Fanfiction Rules
Try to make characters seem more real
Try to describe scenes, emotions, people better. And Pokemon.
Try to go for something less rushed and longer.
And many other things no doubt :/


:/ now go read the threads I suggested. As, this really is pathetic. You have made no attempts to improve. Oh, yes you are 'new' and all that. But that's no excuse to not try to make the second chapter any better.
 
Yo, folks! *blink* Whoah, angry people. o_0

Tale said:
Not everyone understands rules perfectly whenever they read them.

Here's to that! Heh, I remember back when I was a newbie I didn't even understand what made the 'excellent' fics better than the 'standard' ones. I read them both, enjoyed them both and could see a difference in quality, but I just couldn't pick what it was. It's only later that I pinning down the points that separated the 'quality' from the 'average'. Meh. The point I'm making is that afore you send newbs off to read the rules or quality stories, mebbe give 'em a few pointers on what to look for. It's great to see examples, but if yeh don't understand them, it's not gonna be a load of help.

DunsparceGX: Yami Ryu made a lot of points "the characters are flat", "the description is flat", "didn't paragraph it properly". Pretty much hitting the nail on the head there. But I'm guessing you might not know what she means or simply might not know how to 'fix' it. Here's a few tips.

"The characters are flat" - Hmm, this has a LOT meanings. The basic gist of it is is that your readers are finding it hard to know the characters as people. We can see them pretty clearly as WHAT they are - young pokemon trainers out to get their first pokemon - but we don't really know WHO they are.

Now, 'who' a person is is a very hard thing to convey. Heh, it's hard to even define. But whatever it is, it's got a lot to do with personality and mannerisms and characteristics. Personality moreso than the other two. But the other two are how a lot of personality is expressed. Say you've got a casual, laid back character. Presumably, they'd some dozy, sleep sort of behaviour traits. Talking in a slow, drawling way (Perhaps something like 'well, yaaaah, but that'sa whatta you say, man.'), looking generally relaxed/slouchy whether walking or sitting (strolling as opposed to walking briskly, leaning back or draping themselves over chairs instead of sitting more upright, sprawling out over the bed when they lie down to sleep, etc).

You might have noticed that I used a lot of verbs there - and that I acknowledged a difference between 'strolling' and 'walking'. The thing with verbs and adverbs is that they can be used to describe a lot of the subtleties about your character - whether a character 'walks' or 'strolls' can have a real impact on how your readers see them.

Long story short? When you read the higher rated stories to see how the 'pro writers' manage characterisation, look for the way they describe the characters actions. Subtle wording differences like 'yawned' as opposed to 'said' can add a lot of depth to characters. Try it - think about how your characters would walk and talk and pick verbs that reflect that.

Next point!

"the description is flat" - Hmm. Well, I'd have said that a lot of this point relates to the point before. As a personal preference, I prefer to describe the way characters behave than the way they look. Same goes for pokemon. For instance, I would find

"The cyndaquil shuffled around its enclosure, long nose probing at the ground the way a Skitty's tongue might lap at a bowl of milk. The ungainly waddle did little to flatter the creatures physique but it showed all too clearly the points long its back at which flames could erupt at a moment's notice."

much more interesting than

"The cyndaquil walked around its enclosure. It had a long, twitchy nose and its mixed amongst the smooth fur of its deceptively soft-looking back were the reddish patches of naked skin which could sprout fire without warning."

I'd say both sections count as relatively pretty description, but I find the first more natural. If you think about writing as the commentary of a story, the first doesn't break the flow, but the second seems to take a break from storytelling to lapse into information. Meh, there's probably gonna be times when you'll need to emphasise the description of a person or thing but for general description, I'd recommend using the verb/adverb centric 'running commentary' style. But, as I said before, this is my personal preference.

Next point!

"didn't paragraph it properly" - Mm, I'd say this is almost one you could do by simply looking at examples. Like the one Hanako Tabris provided. Haven't looked closely at it, but I she seems to know what she's talking about so I suspect it's correct. As you're looking at what she's done, note especially that she's separated speech from the rest of the text with blank lines.

Also, there aren't new lines at random intervals. I'm guessing you typed this up in Notepad or something similar? Well, Notepad has the unfortunate tendency to leave your text shaped to the size of the window you typed it in. It also has no Spellchecker that I'm aware of. My advice? Try using Word or OpenOffice or some similar word processor. I like Notepad for the rough drafts of stuff, but I find I need to run it through a proper word processor before I post so I can catch formatting problems like this one - and spelling errors too.

If you're not sure about how to properly use grammar, I recommend getting a beta reader - someone who does know how to use grammar and is can proof read your story before you post it. As wonderful as beta readers are at editting out technical mistakes, please be nice to them and make your work as right as you can before you give it to them! It'll make their task so much easier. Oh, and to get a beta, just PM someone who you know can spell and punctuate correctly and ask them.

Hmm. Those points making more sense now? I hope so. Let me know if you want anything else explained. Hopefully, this'll give you a few tips for addressing the points people made. A lot of this is just common sense. The point of these points is to make things easier for the reader. Paragraphing makes it easier for readers to physically read and logically understand your work - seeing sensibly divided chunks of text is a lot easier to understand than a single blob or a series of random chunks. Description makes it easier for readers to relate to your characters and get a sense of depth from your story - it makes things seem more fresh and new because it helps to make a direct link between your imagination and what you're telling the reader.

As Yami Ryu noted, you are using a lot of standard material here - meaning the 'three trainers go to the labs to get their first pokemon' thing has been done a LOT of times before - and often by less skilled writers. Because of these previous stories, the fanfiction community looks at another version of that same story as 'just another story like that'. It makes things hard on the new writers - to them, their story is fun and original, but what the readers see is something different. To counter this impression, I recommend you try and make this personal - help your readers to see YOUR characters as actual people instead of new versions of standard character types/roles. It's that personality thing again. If you can build the personalities enough, hopefully people will start to see this as 'the story of Nick, Ash and May' rather than 'the story of another pokemon trainer and some canon characters'.

Okay, good luck and fun to you! Let me know if you need any of this explained or you want more techniques for improving. These standard stories DO have a lot of potential - use it well! ^^

Piney.
;204;;324;
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Well, it seems like you did take the advice that I gave of making a new paragraph everytime someone new speaks. That is a plus. Though, like Piney said, your paragraphs get random breaks in them, creating a new line when there shouldn't be.

Piney covered the lesson of the day, as I call it, so I feel that there is no need to delve into what she already said.

Sandra was right in saying that "first fic is no excuse." I have no way to expand upon this without sounding insulting...so I won't. I also recommend trying your absolute hardest that you can, because if she comes back, and if she sees no improvement in her eyes, your fic might get closed.

One thing that I noticed with this new chapter is the sudden appearance of May. The last thing written in the first chapter is Nick leaving the house with Ash. The first thing in the second chapter is them looking at May. That scene needs more to it, to explain where May came from.

You also need to work on the proper punctuation of dialogue. I'm not sure how much of this you know. It's a very difficult subject to teach, and while I may understand it, I don't really want to confuse you and deter you from writing just because of a few confusing grammar rules.

As long as you keep trying and listening to the advice we give you, you can improve. We were all beginners once.

And, as Piney suggested, if you want a proof-reader, I'm always available. I'm just trying to help you. Or, if there is something that you don't understand in the rules or advice stickies, you can PM me.

Hope that this in some way makes you feel all right.
 
D

DunsparceGX

Guest
Okay I'll try harder and should I try harder on the next chapter and I'll edit chapter two and try to make it....erm...more......colorful.

(is that the right word for it?)
 
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