The Clash of the Goliaths - PG13

[legendarypokemonjunkie17]

Hello all, 'tis I, lpj17. After a long hiatus, I felt that it was time to come back and do some writing. The majority of my fics are shipping, but I felt like writing a non-shipping fic for once (Bladed Scizor's "Mastering a New Start" kind of inspired me.)

So, a few ground rules.

1.) No flaming. I want constructive criticism. Flamers will be reported.
2.) Don't post useless drabble. I want something structured. Anything not structured willl also be reported.
3.) If you don't like my story, don't bother to post here, or read it for that matter.
4.) I have a life off of the forums. Shocking, I know. If I don't post for a while, don't complain.
5.) The rating is subject to change in later chapters. Generally, it will be around PG13, the first few chapterswill probably be G to PG. The rating may raised, right now, I'm uncertain.
6.) Please enjoy "The Clash of the Goliaths"!

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The Clash of the Goliaths
Prologue - Before there was time...​

Everything has a story behind it. Whether it be the creation of time and space, or the death and rebirth of the "elemental beasts", everything has a story to tell, it's own unique place in history. However, one place in particular, seemed to teem with tales greater than that of the war that raged between Groudon and Kyogre oh so long ago. That place was a quaint town, nestled to the east of Mt. Coronet, which was called Celestic Town.

Celestic Town was quiet; it always was. Despite the lack of vibrancy that, lets say, "embodied" a place such as Jubilife City, Celestic Town's purpose spoke louder than any neon sign or any new-fangled watch. You see, Celestic Town was one of the very few places in Sinnoh where one could enrich themselves in the stories that paid homage to those that created time and space. Anyone who would visit Celestic Town would visit the ruins, and, daily, the town elder told the story of how time and space began.

It was morning, the sun just beginning to peer over the massive Mt. Coronet. The elder stood in front of the entrance to the town's pride and joy, a cave with a "mural" dedicated to the pokemon of the lakes, her silver hair glistening in the sun. She was robed with a beautiful crimson gown, which seemed to overpower her petite frame. Her face displayed no emotion, her wrinkles displaying the toll of time. As the sun rose further, the elder did not move, and, gradually, people began to gather in front of the cave. They were silent, pious even. They stood waiting, not growing impatient, but instead, their anticipation grew. At noon, the clock in the square chimed, playing a beautiful, but solemn melody. It was then that the elder began to speak.

"Good afternoon." As she began, the eyes of the gatherers gazed at her expectantly. "I am glad to see so many promising trainers and curious tourists here to learn of the creation of time and space. You see, without time and space, nothing would exist. That being said, it is impossible for time and space to just pop out of nowhere." The heads of the gatherers nodded in agreement.

"That melody that just came from the clock is called 'Heaven Rejoices'. It is an old folk tune that can only be played on this." The elder held up something similar to an ocarina. It appeared to be made of the finest ivory, adorned with a crimson "handle". "This is not a pokeflute, nor is it a flute that I traded volcanic ash for. It is called the Azure Flute. It is extremely rare, with there being only 3 in existance. Now, if you'll follow me into the cave, I will begin my story."

And this is where our story begins.​

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Well, I hope you liked the prologue, and that you will like the rest of my story. My goal is to reach at least 25 chapters, and to post 1 chapter per week.

I will start a pm list after I get 5 reviews.

 

[Yonowaru in Chaos]

like a figure skater's arms

Apostrophe

mixture of the two extremes

Mix is a verb, mixture is the noun

"guarded the egg",

I know what you mean here, but you never use these indications, unless it was from the perspective of a particular character.




The prologue is short, pretty much rule-breaking as well, as this barely reaches half a screen on my resolution.

Overall, your description tries a bit too much, and in the end, it feels like you're bombarding the readers with words. Sure, it's good health to include a few of these words, but it gets tiring, especially since the reader KNOWS what you're talking about and can already picture it in their minds.

You compare Arceus to a stag. There weren't any stags in the beginning of time, how is it possible to make that comparison? If you were narrating the story as if it was from the present (which it didn't sound like; instead it was as if it had just happened recently) then sure, you could liken it to a modern creature, but that is not the case.

In fact, a lot of the description of Arceus falters a bit. Maybe it's that I'm not so sure about the time period you're narrating from (since the change of perspective, and thus the words and writing style utilised, would've been drastically different), but there are many things that stick out. How was Arceus 'mighty'? How was it 'just'? There weren't 'mighty' or 'just' things to compare it to back then, so how could the comparison be drawn?

Your sentences are just there for the sake of cramming description a lot the time, and sometimes it just doesn't make sense. One such example is this one:

A shining light in the depths of the darkness and chaos displayed much progress from the purest darkness that once claimed dominion, but the being felt that there must be order and disorder, justice and injustice, and a never-ending battle between time, space, light, darkness, life, and mortality.

For one, 'shining light in the depths of darkness and chaos ' is already a bit waffly. I'm also not so sure what you mean by 'displaying much progress' or how time and space are supposed to battle. Time and space coexist. If it was one or the other...well it'd be a bit indescribable but you get what I mean.



You'd make a potentially good writer, but there are many things you need to go through first. Don't rush your writing (and that means to not have 1 chapter per week as a goal; since these usually attack the quality of your writing, rather than help you) and read Advice for Aspiring Authors (again). The quality and overall enjoyability will be noticeable.

 

[legendarypokemonjunkie17]

I honestly and truely appreciate your review. I guess I wasn't really ready to post this. Now that I posted it and had it reviewed, I thought of so many other options to make the prologue better. At least I didn't type it up in the reply box lol. On my computer, it came up as a whole page, but oh well. It's only a prologue, and prologues are meant to be short. Anyway, if you'll stay and review my later chapters, I'd appreciate it. And I think I'm going to make an edit to the prologue; I'll probably re-write it.


After I redo the prologue, I'm looking for 5 reviews. After that, I'll proceed with posting chapter 1.


I will edit this post after editing the prologue, so stay tuned.


Edit: I have edited the prologue. Rather, I re-wrote it. I will include my old version of the prologue in chapter one, which should avoid the problems I had in regard to tense and point of view, and what not. So...GET READING!

 

[Yonowaru in Chaos]

Well this is certainly better pulled off than the previous attmempt and I applaud you for that. However, there are a few things bugging me which I'll address first.

"elemental beasts"

"embodied"

"mural"

"handle"

I recommend you not use inverted commas around these. They're out of place, and they literally demand an explanation as to why they're there (either implied beforehand, preferably, or afterwards).

Despite the lack of vibrancy that, lets say, "embodied" a place such as Jubilife City, Celestic Town's purpose spoke louder than any neon sign or any new-fangled watch.

Conversational language such as 'let's say' and 'you see' sounds a bit out of place, even though you technically are being the story teller here. It's more of a personal preference, but I think you'd be better off without them.

Also another personal preference, adding 'or any new-fangled watch' sort of stunts the flow a bit. You can change it around a bit.

As an example, this (in my opinion) still achieves your target without overloading (but it's a bit personalised so you may not want to use it): Despite the lack of vibrancy that embodied cities such as Jubilife [City], Celestic Town's purpose spoke louder than any neon sign or novel souvenir.

Her face displayed no emotion, her wrinkles displaying the toll of time.

You're better off with a conjunction here, rather than the comma in the middle there. It'd make the two clauses fit together less awkwardly.

As the sun rose further, the elder did not move, and, gradually, people began to gather in front of the cave.

Unlike the previous one, I think separating these two clauses and expanding them individually would be better.

My example (I changed things around a bit to incorporate the later descriptions, so don't use it):

"As the sun rose further into the sky, the elder stood still, as if she was waiting for it to reach a specific coordinate in the sky. Gradually, people began to gather in front of the cave, excitedly, yet silently anticipating her signal.

Yeah, pathetic, I know x_x But it sounds a bit more flowing, yeah? ^^;;

"Good afternoon." As she began, the eyes of the gatherers gazed at her expectantly. "I am glad to see so many promising trainers and curious tourists here to learn of the creation of time and space. You see, without time and space, nothing would exist. That being said, it is impossible for time and space to just pop out of nowhere." The heads of the gatherers nodded in agreement.

Paragraph the speech. For one, it makes the prologue itself less 'fat' (xD) and also more readable. Like so:

"Good afternoon."

As she began, the eyes of the gatherers gazed at her expectantly.

"I am glad to see so many promising trainers and curious tourists here to learn of the creation of time and space. You see, without time and space, nothing would exist. That being said, it is impossible for time and space to just pop out of nowhere."

The heads of the gatherers nodded in agreement.

Actually, whether or not you put a paragraph between "Good afternoon" and "As she began..." is up to you.

Continuing on:

"That melody that just came from the clock is called 'Heaven Rejoices'. It is an old folk tune that can only be played on this."

The elder held up something similar to an ocarina. It appeared to be made of the finest ivory, adorned with a crimson "handle".

"This is not a pokeflute, nor is it a flute that I traded volcanic ash for. It is called the Azure Flute. It is extremely rare, with there being only three (numbers should be written in words unless they're insanely wordy) in existance. Now, if you'll follow me into the cave, I will begin my story."



Still, it's not bad at all. A thing I noticed is that you use much less description than in the previous version. Rather than chocking your prologue full of unneeded description, you used it more sparingly this time and as such, is more coherent and clear.

As a word of note, one chapter a week is all right, but don't impose the limit if you know the work is inferior or something. We won't bash you because your chapter is up late :]

 

[legendarypokemonjunkie17]

Why thank you for your very helpful and lengthy critique. Now, I did go overboard with the inverted commas, but that is a very strong habit to break. I have to thank my 8th grade english teacher for that.

The wonderful thing about writing is that once you describe something, you'll never have to describe it again in the next story. Since everyone here knows what pokemon look like, I don't even think I'm really going to describe them much. My original version of Chapter 1 was so full of description, it was downright painful to read.

I did finish chapter 1, but imho, the end of it seems rushed, and pales in comparison to the rest of the chapter. I don't really know how to fix it, so if I can't fix it before I post, I apologize now.

Actually, I think my general idea for chapter 1 is not bad at all, but the execution is horrible.

We all remember MistyLover. Now, as much as some of us didn't like him (though I got along with him well), he was a fantastic writer. I am nowhere near his level of artistry, so tp speak, but that's something I'm striving for with this fic. By the end of it, and btw, it's going to be more than 25 chapters, I want to be an excellent writer.


Anyway, thank you very much. If you know anyone whose interested in helping a writer out, then let them know that this fic is worth their time lol. I'd love to have them review.

 

[legendarypokemonjunkie17]

After 5 month, I finally have CHAPTER 1!!!

Okay, so I know the last time I posted something was 5 months ago. I had a lot of stuff going on, plus my computer decided to delete all word processing programs. I finally found a good one, and subsequently edited chapter 1. I don't know who'll read this, but I'd love to have some reviews.

After a wait that was way too long, here's chapter 1!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1

Creation Begins​

"Now, if you'll follow me into the cave, I will begin my story." The elder, along with the group of spectators made their way into the cave, save for one. That one person stood still, neither making a sound or moving an inch, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings. The figure didn't move until the last of the actual tour group had proceeded into the cave. She was very petite, being both short and very slender. She had vibrant orange hair which was neatly placed in a bun on top of her head. The woman wore a cream colored dress with a white blazer, making her look very professional. Picking up a green briefcase, she made her way into the cave, where the elder had just begun her story.

"As you can see, this cave painting depicts the three legendary pokemon of the lakes: Azelf of Lake Valor, Uxie of lake Acuity, and Mesprit of Lake Verity. According to legend, these three pokemon embodied will-power, wisdom, and emotion. Their creation stemmed forth from the birth of Dialga and Palkia. However, Dialga and Palkia were not the first beings to exist. The legend I will now pass on to you has been passed on by word of mouth for as long as we humans have existed.

In the beginning, there was no time and space, just darkness. Pure, unfiltered darkness. That's all there was; afterall, time had not yet begun. It was quiet, but at the same time, it was deafening. The dark void almost screamed in agony, for there was nothing but darkness. And, as is now a state of mind, where there is darkness, there is also evil. However, things were about to drastically change, a new era would begin, and eventually, the darkness would be challenged and defeated by the light.

Out of the darkness emerged a swirling cloud of chaos, thus ending the never-ending, deafening silence. As the cloud swirled, it increased in speed and intensity, folding into itself, like a figure skater's arms. The cloud had gotten to the point of peak intensity, the point where the darkness and chaos melded. The mix of the two extremes caused a massive explosion, and resulted in a blinding light, which came, seemingly, from nowhere. From that light came an egg of purest white, surrounded by a fragmented gold ring, which, at the time was the only thing preventing the darkness from coming back and destroying the very purity that would lead to the miracle bringing about time and space. From that egg emerged a miracle, but as the light from the ring began to dim, it also brought the approach of a new, overwhelming darkness: death.

This miracle was an immense creature, of the same purity as the egg. The creature, stag-like in appearance, surrounded by four segments of the ring which, as we say, "guarded the egg", gave off a blinding light which clashed with the darkness, driving it to the outer reaches of the dark void. The creature was mighty and just, but also, was alone. A shining light in the depths of the darkness and chaos displayed much progress from the purest darkness that once claimed dominion, now that both light and darkness co-existed, but the being felt that there must be order and disorder, justice and injustice, life and mortality, thus bringing forth the creation of the pokemon we now call Dialga and Palkia. However, time and space were not the only things to emerge from the darkness or from the remnants of the egg. You see, the "Creator", whom we now call Arceus, felt that to exist, there must also exist death. With death, we must also pay homage to the darkness which we came from. Thus bringing forth Giratina and Darkrai.

Arceus then created the pokemon known as Shaymin, Heatran, and Cresselia. Cresselia was an embodiment of purity and light, Shaymin embodied life, and Heatran embodied creation. Arceus saw how good it all was, but then felt that there could not just be light and darkness, but a place for it's off-spring, save for Giratina, Palkia, and Dialga to roam, thus leading to the creation of Groudon, who created the earth, Kyogre, who created the sea, Regigigas, who embodied strength and dragged pieces of land into place, forming the continents, Rayquaza, who created the atmosphere, which provided air for all living things, and Regigigas' servants, known as Regirock, Regice, and Registeel, who embodied the elements. These pokemon, along with Heatran and Shaymin, created what we now call Earth. These pokemon are responsible for what we now call our home.

Arceus was proud of it's creations, and then felt that it's "children" would rule, but not over each other. Instead, Arceus created the other pokemon that we now recognize as our friends, partners, and saviors.​

"And that is the legend that has been passed down for generations. I am honored to have shared it with all of you." With that, people began to disperse. Soon, only the elder and the strange woman remained.

"My dear, are you not satisfied with the legend of Sinnoh?" the elder asked.

"I am...to an extent. You see, I am curious as to what happened to Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina. And furthermore, what happened to Arceus? Where did those four call their haven? Did they just dissolve into time and space themselves? Or, is it possible that Arceus created separate dimensions for the four of them to exist in? And what about Mew, and the other legendary pokemon that we now revere?" the woman inquired.

"My dear, you are quite curious indeed. I am impressed with your vibrancy regarding the creation of all that you now see before you. But can you not be satisfied with what I have told you? You ask too much, and are not satisfied with the story of our ancestors." The elder began to grow annoyed at the thoughts of the woman.

"My sweet friend, have you not wondered yourself? Did you not wonder about the inconsistencies in your story? There is so much more that we should hold dear, and there is so much more that we should learn. It is people like you who suppress our thought process. And, thanks to your granddaughter, my brother has not been seen, nor has he been heard from in five years." With that, the elder let out a gasp.

"Who...who are you?!"

"My dear old lady, you will learn my name in due time, and you will grow to fear it, like you feared my brother." With that, the peculiar woman left the cave. She walked into the town square where she opened her briefcase and took out a device similar to a pager, and she pressed one of it's many buttons. Almost instantaneously, the sound of a helicopter could be heard in the distance. The peculiar woman let out a small chuckle, and then stepped back as a helicopter proceeded to land next to the clock in the square. The woman walked over to the helicopter and got on board, sat down, and then looked over to see a familiar face. The face belonged to a male with navy blue hair. He was sitting there, contemplating what he would say to his new co-commander.

"Saturn, you'd best begin to update me on the status of 'Operation Anti-Matter.'" The woman barked.

"My, my Venus. You're bark is certainly worse than I remember. Anyway, we have finally taken over the region of Orre. Thank goodness Cipher was so willing to let us call their old base on Citadark Isle our new home. Team Galactic's old, and in my opinion, pathetic, ex-commanders have tried to keep Team Galactic the same, but to no avail. I've let them keep a few grunts and our old name, but they will never realize our full potential as Team Universe."

"I'm certainly glad I married you dear. And together, we will certainly rule over this pathetic planet. My brother's idea of creating a separate world for himself was barbaric, and idiotic. He should have been content with working with the most sinister people on the planet to rule over all of those who ever doubted us."

The helicopter took off, with both Saturn and Venus discussing what they would do now that Orre was theirs. Meanwhile, two women, one with bright red hair, and one with violet locks were being followed by an old man with pale pink hair, and a torn lab coat. They were making their way towards Lilycove City, maneuvering through the mud and pouring rain. The old man was well behind the two women, but even so, he was trying to make the best of their situation.

"Mars! Jupiter! Look on the bright side, we control Team Galactic now. And as a bonus, we escaped from the grips of that idiot cop."

"Shut up!" The two women snapped, as they passed the entrance to the Safari Zone.

"We're going to Lilycove for a reason. And by we, I mean Jupiter and myself. I don't know how you managed to find us, or how you managed to run away from Looker so quickly, but you aren't in charge of anything, you feeble-minded buffoon." Mars barked.

"And furthermore," Jupiter began, "if you have any intention of sticking around, you'll keep your mouth shut. You're the one who got us into this mess in the first place. 'Oh sure. We'll capture Heatran and cause Stark Mountain to erupt. We'll rule over Battle Island for sure. And from there, the whole world!' HA! Fat chance Charon. I think all of that medication is finally getting to you."

"But whose Idea was it to form an alliance with Maxie, Archie, and Giovanni?" Charon squeaked hopefully.

"It was a collaborative effort between Saturn and Venus. Not yours." And with that, the lights from the Lilycove Department Store could be seen in the distance. After days of hiking through the wild terrain of Hoenn, Mars, Jupiter, and Charon reached their destination: Lilycove City - Home of Team Aqua.

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Now what could Mars, Jupiter, and Charon want to do with Team Aqua? Find out in Chapter 2: The Beginning of a Legend!

 

[Yonowaru in Chaos]

Judging by the content of this, this would've been better if it was attached to the Prologue, since it directly follows it and doesn't really introduce a new scenario that's unrelated to the first.

Nevertheless:

That one person stood still, neither making a sound or moving an inch, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings. The figure didn't move until the last of the actual tour group had proceeded into the cave. She was very petite, being both short and very slender. She had vibrant orange hair which was neatly placed in a bun on top of her head. The woman wore a cream colored dress with a white blazer, making her look very professional. Picking up a green briefcase, she made her way into the cave, where the elder had just begun her story.

It's a bit silly referring to Venus as a 'person' or a 'figure' when she's placed in broad daylight and quite visible to anyone around her. Anyhow, you could've been a bit more concise with the description, using less sentences to achieve the same effect. Be careful not to make your sentences too long though, as that would also destroy the flow quite a bit. A shoddy example:

As the group advanced into the cave, a petite figure of a woman remained, seemingly oblivious to the direction of the crowd, yet diligently observing the antics of the elder. Her collected manner - beady eyes with a wry smile - seemed at odds with her violent orange hair, as was her spotless-white blazer, opened slightly as to reveal her cream-coloured dress. One hand in her blazer and the other clutching a glossy lime briefcase, she followed in to the cave, as the last of the crowd was engulfed into its depths.

(this isn't a suggested replacement, just a demonstration)​

In the beginning, there was no time and space, just darkness. Pure, unfiltered darkness. That's all there was; afterall, time had not yet begun. It was quiet, but at the same time, it was deafening. The dark void almost screamed in agony, for there was nothing but darkness. And, as is now a state of mind, where there is darkness, there is also evil. However, things were about to drastically change, a new era would begin, and eventually, the darkness would be challenged and defeated by the light.

The story thing started off quite well, though a bit over-bombastic what with a bit too much of 'It's dark and it's silent! Oh the agony!' But then it sort of fails when the story starts to choke itself with an excess of phlegmy words.

The cloud had gotten to the point of peak intensity, the point where the darkness and chaos melded. The mix of the two extremes caused a massive explosion, and resulted in a blinding light, which came, seemingly, from nowhere.

You don't really differentiate between 'darkness' and 'chaos' here,though it's obvious you're meaning to say that they're two utterly different extremes (which is a bit odd, seeing as light, as you said, is darkness' antagonist).

There's also a bit of waffle here, and you use it, I guess, to make it sound impressive. It chokes the text and confuses the reader, with all this swirling darkness and chaos with an explosion here and there. You get the point across, but not as strongly as you could've done so.

You see, the "Creator", whom we now call Arceus, felt that to exist, there must also exist death.

'you see' isn't a term that you're likely to see in a story that's been passed down since the time of talking apes. As a tasteful addition contributed by the storyteller, maybe, but 'you see' is just out of place here. Furthermore, stories put in the context of being passed down via generations generally don't describe their settings so graphically (as if they were actually there) as you waffle here.

Get the necessary parts down, then add a few (read: a few) little fancy descriptions here and there. Don't overload.

"My sweet friend, have you not wondered yourself? Did you not wonder about the inconsistencies in your story? There is so much more that we should hold dear, and there is so much more that we should learn. It is people like you who suppress our thought process. And, thanks to your granddaughter, my brother has not been seen, nor has he been heard from in five years." With that, the elder let out a gasp.

That...was unexpected. Venus started off curious, but in a polite and earnest way. Then you have her attack the elder quite unexpectedly with rhetorical questions and sarcasm, ending with a bout of spite. You probably formulated this conversation quite differently from how I'm imagining it to be, but I just can't digest what's here.

"Saturn, you'd best begin to update me on the status of 'Operation Anti-Matter.'" The woman barked.

"Words words words," the person said.

You do this a few times.

"I'm certainly glad I married you dear. And together, we will certainly rule over this pathetic planet. My brother's idea of creating a separate world for himself was barbaric, and idiotic. He should have been content with working with the most sinister people on the planet to rule over all of those who ever doubted us."

To be fair, Cyrus was a bit wrong in the head, so you can't really blame his intelligence for wanting to create a seperate world while destroying the first one. In comparison, their new plan of 'ruling the world' sounds cliched and uncreative, what with Team Universe being supposedly bigger and better than Team Galactic. Oh well, who knows, you might have something surprising set in store in the future.

The helicopter took off, with both Saturn and Venus discussing what they would do now that Orre was theirs. Meanwhile, two women, one with bright red hair, and one with violet locks were being followed by an old man with pale pink hair, and a torn lab coat. They were making their way towards Lilycove City, maneuvering through the mud and pouring rain. The old man was well behind the two women, but even so, he was trying to make the best of their situation.

You don't put two different scenarios in the same paragraph, even if you do have a 'meanwhile' chucked in there. The way you introduce the three was also a bit awkward, what with their hasty, juvenile descriptions. You should've really given the situation towards Lilycove City a bit more weighting to counterbalance the situation in Celestic Town, since it looks more like it was added as an afterthought.

After days of hiking through the wild terrain of Hoenn, Mars, Jupiter, and Charon reached their destination: Lilycove City - Home of Team Aqua.

This really begs the question; why would they want to hike to Lilycove? Are Saturn and Venus treating the three like technology-undeserving vermin? Or can they only afford one helicopter after Cyrus' failed plan? Why is Saturn even in touch with Mars and Jupiter? Isn't he the one who decided to move Team Galactic away from Cyrus' apocalyptic goal while Mars and Jupiter clung on to him?

You certainly could've explained a bit more in this chapter about the current situation.



All in all, this seems a bit dodgy and rushed. You use a few phrases either a bit too much or in the wrong circumstances. You waffle when the text demands briefness and you rush when the text suggests that you take a bit more time to develop the description and whatnot. All in all, I can't say you're getting better, but at least you're gaining experience from this.

I'd also need another reviewer here for an additional opinion, if anyone's up for the job :]