The Cordinator

[filos185]

Chapter One
Ralts To Kirlia

There was once a boy named Ty. He had always dreamed of being a cordinator, but he could never leave his island home Lonhong. Then he had to move inland. He thought he would never make friends until he met a small little Ralts, they became instint freinds. One day Ty was talking to Ralts and he asked him if he would be his partner in cordinating. Ralts shook his in happieness. That night he was talking to his parents and they insisted he go. A week later he packed his bag and set off with Ralts. That night they slept in the pokemon center two towns over. The next day they traveled on a boat to slateport city. Ralts was so happy he had never seen water before, he was so happy. When they got to slateport there was a big cammosion. They looked what was going on. A flock of gligar were tearing up the beach. They looked for the head gligar and found him. Ty challanged the gligar, he said "lets have a battle, if i win you give me the second youngest gligar in your flock, and if you win you can keep tearing up the beach. The battle started first Ralts, use calm mind then confusion. The gligar was on the ground for a minute, and then popped up and used wing attack. It hit ralts pretty hard but he was still in the game. Then Ralts used calm mind again but this time it started to EVOLVE!!! "Wow he evolved" said Ty "Kirlia" said Kirlia. After that the battle raged on. During the battle Ty told Kirlia to use confusion but it actually used psychic. When that happend the Gligar was on the ground. When the Gligar got up he glided over to the second youngest Gligar in the flock and said "gli-glagar". Then the second youngest came over to Ty, then Ty took out a pokeball and caught it.

 

[DarkPersian479]

Let's start with spelling.

cordinator

Should be coordinator

instint

Should be instant

pokemon center

slateport city

gligar

calm mind

confusion

psychic

These need to be capitalized.

cammosion

I assume you mean commotion.

lets have a battle, if i win

Let's have a battle, if I win...

Now for the rest. This is clearly been typed in the reply box and rushed to production. This would not pass as a prologue, let alone a chapter. Paragraphing is nonexistent. Hit enter twice to break this up into paragraphs.

Description is MIA as well. You describe nothing. What do Ralts and Gligar look like? What does a Psychic attack look like? What does your character look like? What is his personality?

The battle is pathetic. It's even worse than a generic Game Boy battle. No description, badly rushed, and completely lacking in effort, like the rest of this. And Ralts evolving in the very first chapter? Another big turn-off.

Please, for your sake read the Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors so your next installment is at least passable.

 

[Dilasc]

Spacing and pacing and clumping. This story is very hard to follow the plot of because of these problems. It also seems rushed and unchecked. Here's an example.

Ralts shook his in happieness.

Someone could take that out of context and think of it as something really naughty. Anyway, you are lacking description and character developement. I suggest you read advice fo aspiring authors, the rules thread, and a few good stories by competent authors before you try again. It'll do you worlds of good.

 

[Divinity_123]

Description is MIA as well. You describe nothing. What do Ralts and Gligar look like? What does a Psychic attack look like? What does your character look like? What is his personality?

Nice set of abbreviations. Never would have thought of that one. Missing in Action LOL! Description is like ZOMG! If I printed this out, well, I'd be using it to wipe my........NC.

The battle is pathetic. It's even worse than a generic Game Boy battle. No description, badly rushed, and completely lacking in effort, like the rest of this. And Rats evolving in the very first chapter? Another big turn-off.

Heh, a bit harsh but DarkPersian has a very good point. The battle in this fic just shocked me to the point that I needed my inhaler. And Rats evolving is not good. What do rats evolve into again? Bigger RATS?? JK! Yeah, It was just your first chappy and he got Ralts then Kirlia then a Gligar...WOW! Amazing!

 

[Kitsune Winterheart]

I agree with others... Especially that battle was bad.