The Creation of Legonds

[soul of legonds]

This is my first fanfic so if you have any suggestion are welcome and asked for. sorry if this is alittle short.

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Prologue


In the beginning, there was Mew, and only Mew. The world was his playground.He made things at his pleasure. Soon he became board, he was lonely, the empty space was so vast and there was nothing to have fun with.

So he made a small creature a creature with the power to make land and bend earth to his will. The creature was small and just what Mew had wanted. Mew played with his friend, and had many good times together. But soon the two wished for some one else to play with. Mew made another creature, one of water.

The three were happy for many a year, but in a game the creature of water and the creature of ground had an argument. The creature of ground challenged the creature of water to a mach of strength. Attacks were exchanged, but the small combat only built more anger.

Mew trying to remain neutral even trough the pressure to help one its friends soon could not take it. Mew disserted his warring friends. Soon the two rivals found ways to gain the upper hand in their struggle, becoming more powerful each time. After eons of small battles the two creatures emerged as Groudon and Kyogre.

Mew watched as its friends fought each other and growing less and less like he had created them. Knowing that the two warring ones could destroy the world he made, he started creating other creatures to fight Groudon and Kyogre. He started with a creature that could sustain the balance of power, Rayquaza. But Mew knew that if Rayquaza wanted power he could sense it he created Latias and Latios. Then he saw that if two or three banded together they could over through another he created others that named: Jirachi and Celebi, these were ones that mew gave powers like his, and aspects of his own self. Then to keep balance of the ones he created so far he made: Deoxys, Ho-Oh and, Lugia. To Ho-Oh and Lugia, Mew gave three other creatures to govern, to Ho-Oh ha gave, Raikou, Entei, and Suicune, to Lugia Mew appointed Articno, Zipdos, and Moltres.

But Mew kept its creations from Groudon and Kyogre until they were weakened by a large battle. And that battle did come, it was that battle that lead to the creation of earth.

 

[Astinus]

Um... Spelling and grammar need to improve on this.

Another thing, I don't think this made it to a page on Microsoft Word. That's a major rule that you need to follow if you want to post.

Microsoft Word will also help you with spelling errors, except for the Pokémon names. It's: Kyogre, Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, Raikou, Entei, Suicune, and Ho-Oh. Those are the official spellings from Nintendo of America.

Next thing is your sentence structure. Let me show you what I mean. Here's your original opening paragraph:

In the beginning there was Mew and only Mew. The world was his playground and, he made things at his pleasure. But soon he became board, he was lonely, the empty space was so vast and there was nothing to have fun with.

Here's how it could be better:

In the beginning, there was Mew, and only Mew. The world was his playground. He made things at his pleasure. Soon he became bored. He was lonely; the empty space was so vast and there was nothing to have fun with.

It's better. You seem too comma-happy, and that makes for run-on sentences. At some points, you should have short sentences, other times you can have longer sentences. To figure out when and how long your sentences should be, read your fic out-loud. That's a great way to find your mistakes, and also to see where readers could possibly stumble on your fic.

It appears as if you and I have the same ideas on the creation of the world. I just find that kind of funny.

You seem like you are willing to improve, because you asked for criticsm. Please take mine, and whoever may follow well, and perhaps you could rise higher.

If you are interested in having a proof-reader, I am available. PM me to talk, ask, or to tell me when you post again.

 

[soul of legonds]

thanks

Yes, pelease. I would love proof-reader, I'm not that good at grammer and spelling. Cool, its nice that someone else has the same ideas as me. Thanks again.

 

[ShadowCloud62]

Hey, good beginning. I'm good at spelling and grammar so if you want you can PM me the next update before you post it and I'll look at it and send it back to you so you can post it.

 

[soul of legonds]

well...

Well, sorry ShadowCloud62 but Hanako Tabris already offord. On a diferant subject the first chapter should be up tonight.

 

[rayzakin]

awasome fic

 

[soul of legonds]

Chapter 1

Well here is the first chapter, please tell me if any thing is wrong.
____________________________

Chapter 1


Mew sighed as he looked into a basin of water. In the water Mew had made a vision of the battle between Groudon and Kyogre. Groudon had just sent a stream of fire from its maw. The attack form Groudon was deflected by a tsunami from Kyogre.

The battle had been going on for weeks on end. Nether of the sides would back down. The terrain around the warring ones was constantly changing, depending on which side had the upper hand. Then Kyogre fired an ice been at Groudon, but this attack hit its mark, causing Groudon to wither in pain.

Before Groudon could send out a counter attack, Mew let the image fade. As the last of the picture disappeared from view a tear slid down Mew’s pink cheek in to the Basin of water. The friends that he had loved so dearly were causing so much pain and suffering, the idea was almost too much for Mew to hold.

“Master Mew, is any thing troubling you?” asked the ever kind, Latias. Her red and white skin shining in the dull grey room that Mew kept as a meditation room. Mew sadly turned toward Latias and answered “The time we have waited for is here, but I remember before the tragedy. Then we were all so happy. Why did it come to this?” The words hung in the air for what seemed to Latias an eternity.

Mew’s Blue eye shimmered, not with the Joy that had filled once. Instead they were filled with tears of sorrow. Mew finally broke the silence, “Call the others, we must act now.” Mew slowly floated out of the room, leaving Latias in the dull meditation room.

When all were assembled in the meditation room Mew told them, “My friends the time has come. We must act before the warring ones retreat to regain power.” Mew sighed as told requested to speak to Rayquaza. Then the two left the room.

After Mew and Rayquaza left the other began to murmur among them selves. “What can we do to stop this war that has gone on for eons?” asked Celebi in a state of panic. “Cool you time warps, as long as there is lunch tonight I’m fine” the ironic voice behind this statement was Jirachi.

“Do you ever think about any thing but food?” retorted Celebi. “I’m sorry, oh great and wonderful time traveler” said Jirachi mockingly trying to suppress a laugh. “Was that sarcasm?” Celebi inquired anger very clear in its voice.

“No, it was Moltres on the sea floor. Of coarse it was sarcasm” Said Jirachi in replied, his voice full of glee.

Then Before Celebi could react, Mew and Rayquaza returned, each looking somber. Mew announced that Rayquaza would fly down and sooth the warring ones. Hopefully that would end the war forever. The rest of the ones Mew created cheered Rayquaza.

~ ~ ~

As Rayquaza flew through the ozone layer of the changing earth, he thought to himself, This is not going to be as easy as it seems, I feel that something will go wrong. It always dose

 

[Astinus]

Well here is the first chapter, please tell me if any thing is wrong.
____________________________

Chapter 1


Mew sighed as he looked into a basin of water. In the water Mew had made a vision of the battle between Groudon and Kyogre. Groudon had just sent a stream of fire from its maw. The attack form Groudon was deflected by a tsunami from Kyogre.

The battle had been going on for weeks-on-end. Nether side was willing to back down. The terrain around the warring ones was constantly changing, depending on which side had the upper hand. Then Kyogre fired an Ice Beam at Groudon, but this attack hit its mark, causing Groudon to wither in pain.

Before Groudon could send out a counter attack, Mew let the image fade. As the last of the picture disappeared from view a tear slid down Mew’s pink cheek in to the basin of water. The friends that he had loved so dearly were causing so much pain and suffering. The idea was almost too much for Mew to hold.

“Master Mew, is anything troubling you?” asked the ever-kind Latias. Her red and white skin shone in the dull grey room that Mew kept as a meditation room.

Mew sadly turned toward Latias and answered “The time we have waited for is here, but I remember before the tragedy.... then we were all so happy. Why did it come to this?” The words hung in the air for what seemed to Latias an eternity.

Mew’s blue eyes shimmered, not with the joy that had filled them once. Instead they were filled with tears of sorrow. Mew finally broke the silence, “Call the others, we must act now.” Mew slowly floated out of the room, leaving Latias in the dull meditation room.

When all were assembled in the meditation room Mew told them, “My friends the time has come. We must act before the warring ones retreat to regain power.” Mew sighed as he requested to speak to Rayquaza. The two left the room.

After Mew and Rayquaza left the others began to murmur among themselves.

“What can we do to stop this war that has gone on for eons?” asked Celebi in a state of panic.

“Cool your time warps. As long as there is lunch tonight, I’m fine,” the ironic voice behind this statement was Jirachi.

“Do you ever think about any thing but food?” retorted Celebi.

“I’m sorry, oh great and wonderful time traveler” said Jirachi mockingly, trying to suppress a laugh.

“Was that sarcasm?” Celebi inquired angerly.

“No, it was Moltres on the sea floor. Of course it was sarcasm!" exclaimed Jirachi, his voice full of glee.

Then before Celebi could react, Mew and Rayquaza returned, each looking somber. Mew announced that Rayquaza would fly down and sooth the warring ones. Hopefully that would end the war forever. The rest of the ones Mew created cheered Rayquaza on.

~ ~ ~

As Rayquaza flew through the ozone layer of the changing earth, he thought to himself, This is not going to be as easy as it seems. I feel that something will go wrong. It always does.

Whew! There we go. the bolded text is all the corrections that I made. You seem to be getting better. I'm glad that you listened to all who reviewed.

All I can really say now is to convey more emotions through actions, not just through dialogue tags. This is a tough skill to learn. It just requires practice.

Thanks for picking me to be your proof-reader. I'm honored.

-;249-d;-

 

[soul of legonds]

thanks

Thanks for the help. I'll try to do that.

 

[Slinkiss the Seviper]

Cool that you are writing about Mew and the legendaries.

;383; - YAY! I RULE TEH LAND!

;254; - No more coffee for you!

I'm going to keep my eye on this (though it'll take longer than usual). And then I'll say more opinions. Right now, make the description/chapters longer and please be careful about spelling. (Trust me, I know.)

Anyway, good job!

~Slinkiss the Seviper~ ;336;

 

[Demy]

this fic is not bad. um, give it 3/5

will check on it.

 

[soul of legonds]

Yay

Yay, more reviews. I'll try to get the next chapter up soon.

 

[Smile Guy]

I will give this a fuller review soon. But for a start you do need to work on grammar and spelling. I see someone is helping you to proof-read it, so I won't point anything out.
The story is actually quite good but not as standalone -- I'm aware it's not a standalone I'm just saying I don't like it as a beginning. This would be so much better if a whole adventure was built around it. Not after it. Around it. There's just a little thing that I like about it though. Maybe it's the epicness about it, or the sheer simplicity. I don't know. But I like it. I'll keep an eye on it.

Review of Chapter 1 soon, too.

 

[soul of legonds]

Chapter 2

Well here is chapter 2. Please give me some sudgestion, I kinda have wrighter block right now. Well here you go.
_____________________________________
Chapter 2


A small dark black blob watched as a giant green serpent shot out of the ground were the place of Mew was. The blob hovered in the bushes for a minute after the green dragon was out of sight. Then it slowly floated in the direction the dragon went.
~ ~ ~

A stream of lava burst through the clouds of steam that surrounded the battle that was taking place. The lava cooled into a pillar of stone, soon after that by a blast of water. This made the journey for Rayquaza exceedingly difficult. The sound of the fight was muffled by the bubbling and hissing of the changing terrain.

Finally Rayquaza burst through the clouds of steam and beheld the gruesome sight of the battle. The warring ones were covered in blood, sweat, and brine. Before Rayquaza could even take in the scene Groudon fired a jet of flames form his maw. The sand that was not already melted or frozen melted turned red with heat. Kyogre let lose a blast of ice energy freezing the just melted sand. In the place of sand was a thin layer of glass.

The glass was shattered with an earthquake from Groudon. The shards of glass flew through the air and cut the blue skin of Kyogre. Purple blood spilled into the ocean.

The eyes of Kyogre narrowed as it concentrated, for an attack. Soon a yellow-orange sphere of energy formed inside Kyogre’s mouth. Kyogre let loose a Hyper Beam. The blast of energy hit a ledge above Groudon. The sheer force made the cliff crumbled, causing hundreds of tons of rock crashing down on to Groudon.

Rayquaza watched in terror as the battle unfolded in front of him. Then both creatures fired and attack at the same time. The blasts of water and lava met in mid-air. The two struggled to gain the upper hand.

The two warring ones put all their energy into the attacks. It was obvious to Rayquaza that this was going to be the finally round. Kyogre’s eyes begin to glow an intense red, while Groudon’s shone a deep blue.

The warring ones soon were engulfed in an aura. The attacks had become infused with the aura. The two were equally matched, and neither showed any signs of backing down.

In attempt to stop the battle Rayquaza let lose a howl. The attacks ceased. The warring ones turned to look at the new arrival. The three stared at each other for a minute. Finally Groudon said “Who and what are you. And why have you stopped our battle, this would have ended the feud between us once and for all.” The confusion clear in Groudon’s expression as he spoke.

Kyogre slapped the water with one of his large fins against the water, sending a large wave crashing toward land and cried, “And I would have emerged victorious!”

This enraged Groudon to send a blast of lava at Kyogre. And the battle began once again. And this time the two committed more and more gruesome acts, until the ocean was clouded by the blood of the two warring one.

In desperation Rayquaza shouted, using power he did not know that he had, “Stop creatures of land and sea, I have been sent by the great master of creation, Mew! He has sent me to stop this mindless battle. He commands you to put aside your anger and forgive. I have been sent to end your eon long war!”

But after he had said it, he knew it was not the right thing to say. The warring ones looked at him their eye filled with sorrow, anger.

And the desire to kill.

 

[Saki]

Not bad i like it ^^ ;381;

 

[rayzakin]

coolkeep writing

 

[Astinus]

Well here is chapter 2. Please give me some sudgestion, I kinda have wrighter block right now. Well here you go.
_____________________________________
Chapter 2


A small dark black blob watched as a giant green serpent shot out of the ground were the place of Mew was. The blob hovered in the bushes for a minutes after the green dragon was out of sight. Then it slowly floated in the direction the dragon went.
~ ~ ~

A stream of lava burst through the clouds of steam that surrounded the battle taking place. The lava cooled into a pillar of stone, soon demolished by a blast of water. This made the journey for Rayquaza exceedingly difficult. The sound of the fight was muffled by the bubbling and hissing of the changing terrain.

Finally Rayquaza burst through the clouds of steam and beheld the gruesome sight of the battle. The warring ones were covered in blood, sweat, and brine. Before Rayquaza could even take in the scene Groudon fired a jet of flames from his maw. The sand that was not already melted or frozen turned red with heat. Kyogre let loose a blast of ice energy freezing the just melted sand. In the place of sand was a thin layer of glass.

The glass was shattered with an earthquake from Groudon. The shards of glass flew through the air and cut the blue skin of Kyogre. Purple blood spilled into the ocean.

The eyes of Kyogre narrowed as it concentrated for an attack. Soon a yellow-orange sphere of energy formed inside Kyogre’s mouth. Kyogre let loose a Hyper Beam. The blast of energy hit a ledge above Groudon. The sheer force made the cliff crumble, causing hundreds of rock crashing down on to Groudon.

Rayquaza watched in terror as the battle unfolded in front of him. Then both creatures fired and attack at the same time. The blasts of water and lava met in mid-air. The two struggled to gain the upper hand.

The two warring ones put all their energy into the attacks. It was obvious to Rayquaza that this was going to be the final round. Kyogre’s eyes begin to glow an intense red, while Groudon’s shone a deep blue.

The warring ones soon were engulfed in an aura. The attacks had become infused within the aura. The two were equally matched, and neither showed any signs of backing down.

In attempt to stop the battle, Rayquaza let lose a howl. The attacks ceased. The warring ones turned to look at the new arrival. The three stared at each other for a minute. Finally Groudon said “Who and what are you? And why have you stopped our battle? This would have ended the feud between us once and for all.” The confusion clear in Groudon’s expression as he spoke.

Kyogre slapped the water with one of his large fins against the water, sending a large wave crashing toward land and cried, “And I would have emerged victorious!”

This enraged Groudon to send a blast of lava at Kyogre. And the battle began once again. And this time the two committed more and more gruesome acts, until the ocean was clouded by the blood of the two warring ones.

In desperation Rayquaza shouted, using power he did not know that he had. “Stop creatures of land and sea, I have been sent by the great master of creation, Mew! He has sent me to stop this mindless battle. He commands you to put aside your anger and forgive. I have been sent to end your eon-long war!”

But after he had said it, he knew it was not the right thing to say. The warring ones looked at him their eye filled with sorrow, anger.

And the desire to kill.

And there you go. Again, all the bolded stuff is changes that I made.

Suggestions: Try finding better word choices. Like in your opening paragraph, you migh want to try a "body, hidden so well in darkness, no features could be seen." It's a LOT more descriptive than "blob."

I didn't fix your sentences. Only a few, where the punctuation was messed up, and where I could give you an example of cutting down the words. Most of your sentences were full of repeated words, which make for a very clunky, awkward read. Let me give you a magical formula: "2nd draft = 1st draft - 10%" What it means is to basically murder your darlings. Find what words, paragraphs, and sentences don't fit into your plot, and kill them. Or, in your case, it might be more substantial to ADD more. Trust me, when I was starting out, I zoomed ahead much like you do. But after a lot of practice and studying, I learned how to best write in a great way. (Oh snap, I'm full of myself...)

To rise up through the ranks takes time. Be glad that I am here to aid you in your path.

As for ideas, mine are my own. Sorry, but you are the third person to ask me for ideas. <<;

Beware of ;129; poo...

 

[soul of legonds]

Thanks

Thank you for those helpful hints, they realy help me. Thanks for doing this.

 

[Demy]

I will be away until the 30th on April so i won't be here to review the chapters.

 

[rayzakin]

post soon iam left haning