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The Crystal Harp.

Xiang

Well-Known Member
Hmm... I'm kinda busy now and only up to Chapter 3, so I'll try my best!

Some lovely descriptions here- like the part when that... Lady Lucy person turned around- I really like how you described the movement of her dress like a hurricane- connections to nature are usually easy to imagine and well used.

Victreebel was now so close she could almost smell it’s digestive poisons as they gurgled in anticipation, and as it was about to bring it’s huge fangs on Jessika…
The apostrophe inbetween the two "it's" is unneccessary. When using it to show possession, leave the apostrophe out, otherwise it reads as "it is."

Sorry, I'll give a better review later!
 

intergalactic platypus

Only rescues maidens
Excellent. Your description is lovely and your ability to weave a good fantasy plot is very good for a beginning writer. The dialouge seems a bit flowery at times though, so watch out for that
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
Hanako Tabris said:
But, the main problem with it is the fact that, to me, "runt" is a derogatory term. It's not something that mothers call their children normally. It would just sound better if "runt" was "baby."
Minupiggu is a genuine runt of the litter. This also explains why there are no other Swinubs in the herd, and why Minupiggu is said to have been so horribly bullied.
Once again, sorry for the late update. Ironically, this isn't a very long chapter compared to the last two, meaning it shouldn't have taken as long to write, but it still did, because I needed to be very careful while describing the scenario. Here goes.......

-----------------------

Chapter Six: The Slippery Swine

Inomoo maintained a grip on the rough yet slick surface of the immense glacier as she clambered up it. Higher and higher she went, the shape of Mount Trident looming ever closer beyond the range of glaciers, and the aurora overshadowing her constantly, as always.

The herd was gradually spreading up the face of the glacier like a tea stain. This immense trek would have been painfully arduous for any human, or nearly all Pokemon for that matter, but the Piloswines’ adapted hooves prevented them from slipping, and they were able to safely climb up without too much hassle.

A hazy mist partially enveloped the upper reaches of the glacial range, making it difficult to see; especially as Piloswine are rather short-sighted creatures at the best of times. It was only the aurora’s celestial glaze, which was even brighter way up here, that provided sufficient light for the herd to navigate the slope. Before long, the snowy downs these Piloswine had lived in all their lives were but a distant shadow on the horizon.

Due to Teddiursa’s additional weight, Inomoo reached the flattened summit of the glacier later than the rest of her kin, and by the time she had gotten there, all of them had congealed back into herd formation, and were muttering in horror and irritation.

“How are we supposed to cross that chasm?” moaned an incredibly ancient male, with brittle tusks and grey fur. “And even if we do succeed, there’s still that horrible wall to climb. Look at how steep it is? I knew this supposed “quest” was a bad idea right from the start.”

“Old M’stadawn is right, you know” replied a much younger Piloswine.

Inomoo arrived in the middle of this apparent argument, and as soon as she caught a glimpse of the icy abyss separating the glacial range from Mount Trident, she understood what all the commotion was about.

Beyond the glacier stretched a series of excessively uneven ledges, like a series of giant, broken steps leading downwards. They ended in a deep, deep crevice, running like a wide moat across the facade of Mount Trident. Only instead of water, there appeared to be nothing but blackness inside the great chasm.

Inomoo looked at it in horror. The decent down the staircase of icy ledges in itself put the climb up the glacial range to shame, for it was so rugged and uneven that the uncomfortable factor would be beyond tolerable. And on top of all that, it was very dangerous.

On several occasions, the ledges were very high and dropped about twenty feet or more, and towards the bottom they teetered out into a slope that looked slippery enough to send even the well-adapted Piloswines skidding towards inevitable death.

“Just look at it!” persisted M’stadawn. “Iboor, this is absolute insanity. Foolhardiness is one thing, but suicide is another.”

“Our herd's motto has forever been that we must stick up for each other, and that shall never change” answered the lead male, who’s name was Iboor. “Minupiggu is endangered, up there on the central peak. We cannot allow him to perish at the wrath of that Panpippa abomination.”

“Sorry, but if you keep your heart set on taking us to our deaths, I shall leave this herd and find a more sensible Piloswine to guide me through life” snorted the young Piloswine, and with that he trotted up and away from his kin, towards what he considered to be a better and much safer life.

All of a sudden, his hoof caught on a brittle chunk of ice, and it disintegrated beneath his weight. He stumbled, slipped suddenly, and was sent tumbling helter-skelter down the steps of ice.

The other Piloswine stampeded after him, completely horror struck, and dashed ungainly from ledge to ledge in a flurry to reach the poor pig. Being a female, Inomoo lacked the immense stamina of the male Piloswine, and was caught up in the onrush like a leaf in a gale. She was whisked passively through their ranks, getting tangled up with her mate and two of his brothers, and eventually all of them lost balance and crashed down into a heap on the precarious icy slope.

Inomoo struggled out of the shaggy maelstrom, and proceeded nervously down the slope with horror and tension racking her befuddled brain. Teddiursa had been flung from her back during the stampede to try and save the unfortunate adolescent, and the abyss beyond was so vast the chances of it ending up in there seemed extremely likely. She peered down, and saw to her great relief that Teddiursa had managed to grapple onto the slippery brink of the abyss by grinding his premature claws into the ice.

This was all that pinned him in place, as he dangled desperately and cried, “Inomoo! Help!”

“I’m coming little one, don’t you be afraid” Inomoo said as she anxiously made her way down to the edge. “Just hang in there!”

“This is no time for jokes!” cried Teddiursa. “Please help, the ice is breaking up! Help!”

And sure enough, cracks were spreading out across the ice and weaving into the pattern of a Spinarak web. Inomoo made a desperate lung and held out her tusks before Teddiursa’s eyes. The little bear freed one paw and in a last ditch attempt to escape his awaiting doom, grasped it around one of Inomoo’s tusks. She hauled him out, weeping tears of relief, and set him down on the ice as the other Piloswine regained their consciousness and sidled carefully down to see what had happened.

“What happened to Wooloth?” asked Iboor, sounding distressed.

Teddiursa did not say a word in reply. Instead, he pointed his paw into the abyss from which he had narrowly been rescued, and this was enough for everyone to know Wooloth’s fate. A murmur ran through the dazed herd.

“See what happens when we don’t stay together!” bellowed Iboor in an almost triumphant voice, and at once all the Piloswine seemed to be converted by this statement, for begrudging murmurs of agreement and shallow apologies rang through the cold air.

“I still say this is a bad idea” answered M’stadawn in his gritty, resentful voice. “But since you’re the leader, and since it’s not wise to not go along with what the leader says, I suppose we all have to go ahead and brave whatever hurdles nature has in store for us.”

Suddenly, he was interrupted by a crackling noise, like someone walking over bubble wrap. This strange noise appeared to be getting louder, as it surrounded the herd and spread out beneath their hooves. Iboor looked, and saw the source of this noise: an ever-widening and ever more complex crack in the ice on which the herd stood.

Then, with a heaving sigh, a tumultuous crack, and a dozen or so horrified bellows, a massive chunk of ice fell away into the abyss; taking the entire Piloswine herd with it……
 
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Astinus

Well-Known Member
Yes, Minupiggu is the runt of the herd, but still. I believe that your own mother would not insult you by calling you a derogatory term such as "runt." I mean, this is a mother we're talking about. Excuse me for thinking that most mothers wouldn't insult their kids. <<

Typo...

"Our ]B]motto’s herd[/B] has forever been that we must stick up for each other, and that shall never change" answered the lead male, who’s name was Iboor.

Not only did you miss the punctuation before the closing quotes, you also messed up two words. The bolded ones should be switched around, with herd being the posessive noun.

"Sorry, but if you keep your heart set on taking us to our deaths, I shall leave this herd and find a more sensible Piloswine to guide me through life" snorted the young Piloswine, and with that he trotted up and away from his kin, towards what he considered to be a better and much safer life.

Again, missed the punctuation before the closing quotes.

Inomoo made a desperate lung and held out her tusks before Teddiursa’s eyes.

"lung" should be "lunge."
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
Hanako Tabris said:
Yes, Minupiggu is the runt of the herd, but still. I believe that your own mother would not insult you by calling you a derogatory term such as "runt." I mean, this is a mother we're talking about. Excuse me for thinking that most mothers wouldn't insult their kids. <<
I thought that baby would sound too human, and I don't want the Pokemon characters to come across as humans in animal bodies, like they often do in fiction. Nevertheless, I've changed it to piglet for the sake of runt sounding too insulting. I also fixed the weeping typo in the same line.
Not only did you miss the punctuation before the closing quotes, you also messed up two words. The bolded ones should be switched around, with herd being the posessive noun.
Fixed.
I have to leave for my grandmother's house in less than an hour, so I can't post anything more detailed. The next chapter should be up around Monday, as long as Zero Mission and Tales of Symphonia don't take up too much of my free time.
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Actually, piglet workes for me. It sounds better for pig-esque Pokés to call small ones piglets. Great change, and I commend you for that.

Boy...to write a chapter in a few days... Must be nice.
 

The Pokemon Master

Master Trainer
I liked the Chapter, but I hated the cliffhanger. How on earth are all of those Piloswine going to make it out of that situation? I just don't see a possibility, unless some unforseen thing is taken into account. Hmm... Anyway, about the only thing I can point out that Hanako Tabris didn't is that your paragraphs (other than speech) are only one or two sentences long. Maybe it's just me, but I learned that paragraphs as short as that should usually be condensed. Like so:
Beyond the glacier stretched a series of excessively uneven ledges, like a series of giant, broken steps leading downwards. They ended in a deep, deep crevice, running like a wide moat across the facade of Mount Trident. Only instead of water, there appeared to be nothing but blackness inside the great chasm. On several occasions, the ledges were very high and dropped about twenty feet or more, and towards the bottom they teetered out into a slope that looked slippery enough to send even the well-adapted Piloswines skidding towards inevitable death.
Move that into the paragraph before it, and you get the complete description before you continue. Unless this was a hidden part of the landscape before, it actually should have been in that paragraph anyway. Just a bit of advice...

Until we meet again...
;150;
 

Koubagia

Superluminal Porygon
Interest
I have to say, you've drawn me in somehow. Your characters are excellent, which is something I always look for. Your description could use a little work, and while over-describing is a bad thing (as you say), you are definitely under-describing here. I don't mean the characters as much, I love it where characters are introduced slowly and you do that very well here, but you should describe locations and perhaps emotions more to keep your reader hooked. I've fallen in love with Teddiursa, too. I don't know how you do it, but you've somehow made me really want it back with Jessika.

Interest Score: 35/40


Plot
Your opening was very good, you set the scene very well. I liked the way the calm, relatively normal beginning contrasted so well with the strangeness of chapter 3. It was also interesting how you switched from the people as the main characters to the Pokémon, which was a turn I didn't expect the plot to take. Overall very good, I hope it continues in this way.

Plot Score: 17/20


Characters
Characters are good. I like Jessika, the character is just the right balance of common enough that you can relate to her but extraordinary enough to be interesting. One thing that could have been better was her pessimism, it doesn't seem to tie in with the rest of the character. Lucy seems very Professor Umbridge, sweet and yet evil, though this may be coincidence. Jessika's grandparents were good too.

Characters Score: 25/30


Construction & Accuracy
Spelling almost spot on, but I'll be honest: grammar was poor. One constructive criticism I will make is that your choice of language is a little clunky. People say things the long way, like "such as" instead of "like", which is fine in description but sounds a little odd in dialogue, except with the Blathers-ish Noctowl. But hey, I don't care. Nevertheless, I'll have to mark you down a little.

C&A Score: 4/10


Overall, I feel that your plot and characters are good, but your description and grammar let it down slightly. Work on these and you have a damned good story.

Overall Score: 81%
 
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Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
I now see what you meant when you said that this story could not be judged by its early chapters. I really like how the focus has shifted to the Pokémon characters - I have always preferred Pokécentric fics, and so seeing this story develop into one was pleasing.

You have some interesting characters, such as Teddiursa, who is a cutie and has brought an unexpected laugh or two, and Jumpluff and Victreebel, whose interaction was priceless. XD I like a lot of the names used for the characters, too; I think Everisto was the best name thus far. And kudos for the use of Piddlew- I mean, Piloswine. I've not seen a lot of those used, so it's nice to see them get some time in the spotlight.

Highlights:

Teddiursa was hanging onto her arm, and gnawing it affectionately.

That reminds me of my kitten. ^^

Victreebel was now so close she could almost smell it’s digestive poisons as they gurgled in anticipation, and as it was about to bring it’s huge fangs on Jessika…

I really like the way that part is written. Nice and creepy, just the way I like it. ^^

She looked up at the tower of the breeding centre, on top of which rattled a loose weathervane, and higher up still. It was now that a shadow descended over her, for high up in the air, getting closer and closer every second, was a house.

This was no ordinary house, however. On its underside was a vast propeller, and above it billowed a parachute-like sail that the builder (who Jessika suspected was Lucy Panpippa) had adapted as some sort of steering device.

o.o Now that’s an interesting image.

“Even with the old blueprints, it is devilishly difficult to decipher” Lucy answered.

Mmm. ^^ Admittingly, I am fond of alliterations.

Their fur coats were so long they obscured their eyes and hung down past their knees, giving the impression of walking haystacks.

That is exactly the way I see Piloswine! XD

“She took me away from Jessika, the same way she took Mynapiggy away from you Piddlewine.”

“It’s M-I-N-U-P-I-G-G-U” growled the lead male. “And we are called P-I-L-O-S-W-I-N-E, not Piddlewine.”

XDDDDDD An unexpected and very nice ittle bust of humor there.

A hazy mist partially enveloped the upper reaches of the glacial range, making it difficult to see; especially as Piloswine are rather short-sighted creatures at the best of times. It was only the aurora’s celestial glaze, which was even brighter way up here, that provided sufficient light for the herd to navigate the slope. Before long, the snowy downs these Piloswine had lived in all their lives were but a distant shadow on the horizon.

There’s just something I like very much about that paragraph. It reads very smoothly, and the language is lovely without being over-the-top. If someone were reading it aloud, that’s the kind of language that would catch and hold my attention very well.


Through the course of its chapters thus far, this has become quite interesting. Nice work. ^^
 
Sorry for the delay. I'm so distracted lately. :(

Awesome chapter, albeit short. It was very well described and quite intense as well. I wonder how'll they get out of this one. Fact is, I don't expect them to do so. Sadly enough. :(

This is getting very interesting, and I want to see what's bound to happen in the next chapters. It's so mysterious and intense. And you're writing very well by now.

See you next chapter! :)
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
I love it where characters are introduced slowly and you do that very well here, but you should describe locations and perhaps emotions more to keep your reader hooked.
I feel that my description of characters, props, and atmosphere is detailed enough, but looking back, I certainly need to incorparate more description of locations and emotions into my work. I'll keep that in mind when writing later chapters.
Lucy seems very Professor Umbridge, sweet and yet evil, though this may be coincidence.
Lucy is more like Mrs. Coulter, whereas Umbridge always felt sweet in a dotty aunt kind of way. Although as it happens, I was reading HP: OoP when I first began writing this fic, so perhaps I was subconsciously influenced.
And kudos for the use of Piddlew- I mean, Piloswine. I've not seen a lot of those used, so it's nice to see them get some time in the spotlight.
Thanks. I used to hate Piloswine, but then I began training one in Colloseum and I became rather attached to it. It seemed like an ideal POkemon for the kind of setting I had in mind when planning this fic, so I decided to incorparate it into the storyline, and now I like it more than ever now.
As usual, thanks to everyone who reviewed. Like the two previous chapters, Chapter 7 is rather talk-based, but the majority of Chapter 8 is going to be action-centric, so don't worry about this deterioting into an all talk no action style of fic.

------------------------------

Chapter Seven: M'stadawn's Tale

An onrush of cold air from deep within the abyss engulfed Teddiursa, the icy chunk beneath him leaning into the darkness. His terrified thoughts were drowned out by the scrambled bellowing of a dozen or so Piloswine, and the splintering of the icy chunk as it rapidly broke away from the cliff. “What are we going to do?” stammered an elderly female, that might have been M’stadawn’s mate.
“You’re a disgrace, sending us here!” an obese male yelled, struggling for grip on the ice. “We’re going to get killed for sure!”

Amidst all this chaos, he faintly heard Iboor, roaring out a desperate command in a thunderous voice. “Jump for the other side when I say go, and we might be able to escape! Five, four, three, two, one..” But before he could even say go, half the herd had become so panic-stricken that they lunged off the crumbling ice a second two soon.

Next thing he knew, Teddiursa was soaring ungainly off the ice as it finally fell away. All around him, he saw Piloswines jump desperately from the collapsing ice and fall short of the nearby ledge, as if they had been fired from a series of faulty catapults. Then he slammed into the steep snow-covered slope on the other side, and its whiteness swallowed him up.

He felt himself being immedeatly hoisted out of the snow, as he coughed up sleet and his eyes flicked nervously from side to side, trying to get wind of how he had escaped. It took him a moment to realise that he was so lightweight that the momentum of the crumbling ice must have been enough to hurl him to safety. “It’s alright little one, it’s all over” he heard the comforting voice of Inomoo say, and Teddiursa was delighted to see the loving female had made it across the abyss and was standing over him, alive and well. Iboor, M’stadawn, and the obese male that had declared Iboor a disgrace had likewise escaped, but they were slumped in the snow and gazing distraught at the greatly widened pit that loomed beneath.

Teddiursa’s intestines wrenched sickeningly with grief and horror, when he realised that the entire herd, with the exception of the four currently gathered nearby, had perished.
“It’s not alright” sobbed Iboor wearily. “Half of us have suffered horrible deaths in the icy realms of this accursed mountain, and all because I was gullible enough to believe that unibrowed feather duster. You were right, Uthus. I’m a disgrace, and not just to my herd. I’m a disgrace to all Pokemon.”

“Now, now” comforted Uthus, who trying to sound confident no matter how unconfident he may be. “Don’t take what I said to heart, you silly swine. I was just a bit panic-stricken, that’s all, and you know how angry we can all get if put under such immense pressure.”

“Whether or not you meant it, it’s still true” moaned Iboor through strangled sobs. “The only consolation I’ve got left is that we might still be able to rescue Minupiggu, but with a clumsy oaf like me guiding what’s left of our herd, I’ll probably only get him and the rest of you killed.”

“Stop being so hard on yourself!” grunted M’stadawn. “It’s my fault we’re in this situation now.”

“How can you say that?” Inomoo cried, believing that M’stadawn must only be inflicting the blame on himself to comfort Iboor. “If it’s anybody’s fault, then it’s Lucy’s for stealing away Minupiggu in the first place.”

“No, seriously” M’stadawn sighed. He sounded grave and honest. “I should have told you about the true perils this realm hides. You see, I know about how brittle the ice is, and how the glacial ledges can slip even the most hardiest of Pokemon. I know because I have been here before, and even further still. I know what lies beyond the aurora.”

Everyone who was still alive gasped in amazement and disbelief. Iboor’s head slumped into the snow, his tongue lolling. Teddiursa crawled up to him and gingerly touched his forehead.

“I think he might have fainted” he announced, before turning back round to look at M’stadawn. “Why didn’t you tell anybody you’d been here before?”
M’stadawn replied in a sad weary voice that oozed with regret. “I was proud to be a keeper of such an amazing secret. Not daring to reveal it, I instead attempted to convince Iboor that braving the aurora was a bad idea without giving anything away. If only I hadn’t been so horribly conceited, Iboor might have accepted that his piglet was already good as dead, and that even more lives would be wasted in trying to rescue him.”

“This is impossible!” cried Inomoo. “You have been in the herd ever since the first Swinub litter was conceived, 80 years ago, and no-one has ever mentioned you disappearing on an adventure or anything like that.”

“This may come as a shock, but I am not actually related to the Piloswine of this herd. I became lost from my original herd as a Swinub, and it is then that I embarked on my adventure. Once this adventure was over, I was left alone and stranded in the snow-downs, until I stumbled across two lone Piloswine parents, nurturing their newborn litter. They allowed me to join the litter, where I was raised as if I were one of them.”

“But what about this ‘adventure’ you keep on talking about?” persisted Inomoo.

“After I was separated from my herd way back then, I fled into these wildernesses and encountered a kindly Delibird, who claimed that a lush woodland was rumoured to lie beyond the aurora,” answered M’stadawn. "She helped me overcome its perils, and eventually I reached those glorious woodlands. It was here that I enjoyed the happiest few weeks of my life; wallowing in the rich soil, gorging on the exquisite native mushrooms, napping on the soft lichen…. and most wonderful of all, the winged guardians of Johto. For behind that vivid curtain draped throughout the sky does indeed lie their undiscovered haven.”

“Winged guardians?” asked Uthus in bewilderment, but M’stadawn quickly changed the subject. “The kindly Delibird I befriended on my adventures was raising some chicks at that time. With any luck, one of them will still be alive, and might be able to help me redeem myself by completing our aim of saving Minupiggu.”

Teddiursa glanced up, and saw how the snowy flank of the mountain teetered up into a huge icy façade. The aurora was reflected off of it majestically, giving it the appearance of a celestial cathedral, and all around it the vivid sky was flecked with dumpy, crimson-feathered birds.

“Being extremely weak and paranoid, Delibirds avoid just about anything that moves” continued M’stadawn. “So I’m afraid they won’t just fly down and invite us into their nests. If we’re to find any of my friend’s offspring, we’re going to have to climb the mountain and try and get in touch with them that way.”

“Climb the mountain!” spluttered Uthus incredulously. “It seemed like a farfetched concept at the beginning of this ‘adventure’, but close up it looks even more absurdly impossible! Look at how sheer that cliff face is!”
“Unfortunately, that is our most severe holdback” M’stadawn replied gravely. “No Piloswine is physically capable of climbing a wall that steep.” He paused to turn and fix Teddiursa with his beady gaze. “I’m afraid that you will have to go on alone if we stand a chance of retrieving the lost piglet.”

Inomoo lurched forth in horror to try and protect her adopted cub from this mad old swine. “NO!” she bellowed. “You cannot possibly be serious! The little one will stand absolutely no chance out there on his own! I feel it’s time to accept that my precious little Minupiggu is gone, and that there’s nothing we can do about it.” And she promptly exploded into tears, as she had done when Teddiursa had first met her.

“Stop it!” cried Teddiursa. “I’m willing to do you a favour and rescue Mynapiggy, no matter how dangerous it is! There are lots of little ledges for me to rest on if I get tired, and the ice looks soft enough to grip with my nails, so I think I’ll be fine.”

“I suppose you’re right” sobbed Inomoo. “Farewell little one, and never forget that I shall always care for you.” And with that, she fainted out of grief, and lay slumped next to her mate, tears melting the snow.

Teddiursa waddled up to Uthus and fondled his snout, uttering goodbye to him, and he replied with an encouraging farewell. “Good luck little bear, and remember, me and M’stadawn shall be egging you on even when we’re far, far away.”

Go ahead, there isn’t much time” growled M’stadawn irritably, and began herding Teddiursa up the snowy hill. Teddiursa kept his gaze pinned on the wall of ice as he steadily approached it, and once he was directly next to it, he nervously held out a shaking right paw, and ground his fledgling claws deep into the ice. He did the same with his left paw, then pulled his right paw free of the ice and dug it in further up. He repeated this process thrice, until he understood the mechanics of climbing, and began to speed up his assent. Before long, he felt as though he had been born to climb, and was soon 20 feet above the steep, snowy ground without even realising.

He took care to keep his gaze fixed on the shimmering sky up ahead, because his experiences aboard the flying house had not left him with a very good head for heights, and as is commonly known, vertigo can have a rather unpleasant effect on those who suffer from it. The encouraging yells of support from Uthus, and the less-spirited yells of support from M’stadawn had soon died away completely, and the heart of the aurora was growing brighter and brighter as he gradually approached it.

But after a while the strangely satisfying monotony of hauling himself up the ice was starting to become tiresome. His tiny muscles were aching, and his tendons felt as if they had been stretched to three times their normal length by dangling from his forelegs.

Unfortunately, the small ledges that had looked like ideal places to rest on from down below were revealed upon closer inspection to be far too thin to be useful for that purpose, meaning he had to carry on struggling up the icy cliff-face. Every single one of his body parts was begging for him to take a rest, but his determination kept him going through all this, and after what felt like half-an-hour he was still going, though barely.

The cold of the mountain had become extreme now that he was so high up, and the air was unbearably thin, making it hard for him to breath. From his angle on the mountainside, he could see only the sheerness of the icy façade he was clambering up, and the aurora glaring majestically down on him, as always. A lone Delibird was fluttering amidst all this, dragging its bulging sack-like tail behind it, and it appeared to be quite near.

This was a good sign for Teddiursa, because it meant that the nests he was attempting to reach must be nearby, and sure enough, if he strained his eyes he could see lots of gaping nooks and crannies carved into the mountain higher up. From these petruded little twigs, of which nests are typically made, and from some of the minuscule caves emitted faint chirping noises.

One of the nests was so close Teddiursa needed only to lift a single paw and he would be able to grapple the edge and haul himself inside, where he could await the return of its owner.
Unbeknownst to him, its owner had already returned, and was fluttering steadily closer behind his back. The very second his claws gripped the edge, an infuriated shriek echoed through his ears, and he spun round in surprise to see a Delibird flapping madly towards him. It was absolutely tiny, not much bigger than himself, without any vicious talons or sharp beak that could have physically hurt him, but the creature’s utter anger at discovering an intruder was enough to frighten Teddiursa witless.

“GET OFF MY PREMISES YOU FILTHY LOWLAND VERMIN!” it squawked, and with lighting speed it extracted from it’s sack a tiny object. Teddiursa could not see what it was, for in a second the Delibird had flung it at him. It struck him accurately, right on the muzzle. Dazed momentarily, he lost his grip on the ice and found himself plunging, down and down and down. He saw the snowy slope from which he had embarked on this climb approaching rapidly, as if it were being thrust in his face, and the terror of this experience felt like a weight, dragging him to his awaiting death………..
 

The Pokemon Master

Master Trainer
My oh my... never expected the old guy to have actually been on an adventure. And he found Ho-Oh and Lugia as well! From the description, it sounds as though it was a secret area, though. Maybe that's what Panpippa's after... Anyway, another cliffhanger (I wonder whether I love or hate cliffhangers, being both an author and a reviewer), and your paragraphs have noticeably improved, so good job on that! Wonder how (or if) Teddiursa's going to get out of this one...

Until we meet again...
;150;
 

Hahahabvc87

Always watching...
>_<
He climbed so far up the edge to find the Delibird's nest, and when he finally reached one he got knocked off by a Delibird!? That is just frustrating, isn't it?
I was also surprised to know that M'stadawn had reached the other side of the aurora before, even more so because he found the wonderful haven there... If the Delibirds could help a tiny little swinub to reach that place, surely they must visit it very often, so why don't they just live there instead?
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
Hahahabvc87 said:
I was also surprised to know that M'stadawn had reached the other side of the aurora before, even more so because he found the wonderful haven there... If the Delibirds could help a tiny little swinub to reach that place, surely they must visit it very often, so why don't they just live there instead?
It may seem strange at first, but trust me, all will be revealed.
Btw, has anyone noticed the origins behind the names of some of the Piloswine herd-members? For instance....
M'stadawn= Mastadon
Uthus= Mammuthus (the scientific name for a wooly mammoth)
Inomoo= Piloswine's Japenese name
As for the others, I'll leave you to figure them out ;)
 

intergalactic platypus

Only rescues maidens
Sorry I missed a chapter, I'm on summer break and I've started both work and drivers ed. But yes, finally a clue as to what lies beyond the mountain. I hope you make it an out of control crazy adventure around there to keep the story climactic. Btw, oh my someone hates Delibird
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
intergalactic platypus said:
Sorry I missed a chapter, I'm on summer break and I've started both work and drivers ed. But yes, finally a clue as to what lies beyond the mountain. I hope you make it an out of control crazy adventure around there to keep the story climactic. Btw, oh my someone hates Delibird
That's okay, I know how it feels to be so busy you can't fit anything into your schedule.
Just so you know, I do not hate Delibirds whatsoever. It's one of my favourite Pokemon, and I love it to death because of it's charm and wonderful gimmicky appeal. I only made that particular Delibird out to be bitter so that she could be used as a plot-device.
The two chapters after the upcoming chapter, or maybe the one after that one are going to switch to Jessika, and these will be centered around her adventures to try and locate Teddiursa. You are allowed to post speculations if you want to, so don't be afraid to do so.
 

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Komedic Konservationist said:
I used to hate Piloswine, but then I began training one in Colloseum and I became rather attached to it.

I used Piloswine in Colosseum, too. ^^


Half of us have suffered horrible deaths in the icy realms of this accursed mountain, and all because I was gullible enough to believe that unibrowed feather duster.

I may never look at Noctowl the same eay again. XD



I have to hand it to Teddiursa; he really does seem like a brave little guy. Hope he'll be all right, though - nice cliffhanger there at the end, by the way. ^^
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
For the billionth time, sorry about the delay. I went on a hiatus for about two weeks, and even when I did begin writing again, the chapter turned out to be much, much longer than I anticipated. At 12 pages on Microsoft Word, it is infact the longest chapter to date. Remember, you are allowed to post speculations, and since this Chapter ends with alot of hints and loose ends, you'll have a lot to speculate on.
Ah well, here goes........

---------------------------------

Chapter Eight: Of Plants And Presents

The majority of Pokemon and people alike believe in the afterlife. Teddiursa was not included in this majority, because he was too young to have fully grasped the concept.

However, when he awoke following the fall, he immediately realised that the afterlife must exist, and that he must be dead, because there was no way in which he could have survive being knocked from such a great height.

He was in a large cavern, with several other caves leading off of it. Huge icicles riddled the ground around him, and hung from the cathedral-like ceiling as if they were exotic tapestries. A series of oddly familiar chirping noises were echoing throughout the cavern, and the Pokemon which made them appeared to be sharing a nest of frosted lichen with Teddiursa.

There were about four baby Delibirds, each one jostling fervently to try and gain a more favourable position in this overcrowded nest. Each one looked like a miniature, sack-less version of the Delibird that had sent Teddiursa plummeting towards his death, but they somehow lacked its bitter aura of over-protectiveness and prejudice.

From the depths of the icy labyrinth there fluttered an adult Delibird, who had presumably perished alongside her chicks up on Mount Trident. She looked gregarious, corpulent, and jolly, which hardly seemed like a state a ghost would be in, and it made Teddiursa more confident about being a denizen of the afterlife.

“Hello sugarplums!” she squawked happily, as she landed before the nest of frosted lichen. “Oh, I see that darling sweetie I rescued from nasty old Deli Theikkawai has returned to his senses!”

The Delibird chicks must be mentally young even by Pokemon standards, because they just continued to chirp and chirp away, as if demanding attention. “Tell me, dear, how are you feeling?” continued the Delibird, peering kindly into the eyes of the bemused ursine.

“What…. I thought this was the afterlife” murmured Teddiursa, feeling bewildered that these odd birds were knocking him off mountains one moment and then tending to him the next. What seemed even odder was that he did not appear to be dead after all, but had somehow ended up in this icy cave.

“The afterlife?” chortled the Delibird hysterically. “Good heavens no! Mind you, this would be the afterlife if I hadn’t caught you before you hit the ground.”

“Who are you? Why are you being so nice when the other Delibirds were so mean? Why do you live in a cave when the rest of you live on the mountainside?”

Teddiursa had so many questions building up in his head that he blurted them all in a way that would have sounded rude to most Pokemon, but this kindly Delibird just smiled a beaky smile. “Oh, silly me! In all the excitement over getting three new occupants, I’ve forgotten to introduce myself! I am Deli-Khuarri. I was driven away from the cliff by those ghastly old xenophobic coots, purely because my mother was kind towards a lowlander. Now me and my mate are stranded in the middle of Mount Trident, unable to venture near our own kin. Still, it’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Three new occupants?” asked Teddiursa, but his question was answered immedeatly by a bitter, resentful voice that echoed from the back of the cave.

“Out of the frying pan, into the fire, I say” groaned Victreebel, and Teddiursa spun round to see both the pessimistic pitcher-plant and the optimistic dandelion slumped amidst a forest of icicles. They looked badly frostbitten. “Life just drags on and on, flinging you all over the place like a leaf in a gale, and no matter where you end up, it’s always just as miserable as ever. I don’t even understand the point of being alive in the first place, if things are always this wretched.”

“Nonsense!” squealed Jumpluff indignantly. “Life is a glorious thing that should be treasured and enjoyed. In my eyes, happiness exists everywhere and in everything, and that you can find joy at even the hardiest of times!”

“As I have told you time and time again, there’s no such thing as joy” retorted Victreebel in annoyance. Teddiursa predicted that this would deteriorate into an onslaught of bickering, just like last time. “It’s just a ridiculous made-up illusion idiots like you have invented to make the world seem like a nice place, even though it blatantly isn’t.”

”Oh when will you two stop arguing all the time!” squawked Deli- Khuarri, leaping up and down in rage. Victreebel turned his enormous vase-shaped body round to confront her, poison dribbling from his cavernous maw, and a sinister look in his eyes.

Delibirds are fragile Pokemon in almost all aspects, but their reflexes had been good enough to keep the species alive for approximately three million years. Khuarri realised immedeatly that the infuriated Victreebel was about to launch a volley of gruesome sludge in her direction, and she succeeded in tossing a series of fist-sized objects before he could make his move.

The first of these struck Victreebel in the centre of his body, knocking him off balance and ploughing him into the icy ground. The second hit his right eye immedeatly afterwards, leaving it hideously bloodshot and swollen. The last soared straight over his crippled form into a particularly large icicle. Both itself and the icicle shattered into innumerable fragments.

“Why must everybody be so bitter towards one another?” lamented Jumpluff, sobbing melodramatically over the stunned Victreebel. “Why can’t we just learn to be friends, and appreciate how there is good in each and every one of us?”

“Dandy and Viccers, please listen to me” Khuarri squawked in a stern, yet motherly voice. “The world is an imperfect place, whether you like it or not, but it does have a lot of good mixed in with it. You shouldn’t go thinking it’s all one or the other.”

But it was obvious that neither Victreebel nor Jumpluff could ever be converted. Khuarri gave a deep sigh, and waddled back round to face Teddiursa and her agitated chicks. She slung the bulky sack from her shoulders, and shook it upside-down so that a torrent of objects cascaded into the nest. The chicks all lunged at them eagerly, and shredded them in a flourish of pecking.

“There you go my darlings, gobble away!” urged Khuarri. “Quickly little bear, before it’s all gone!” Teddiursa gave her a quizzical look, and she explained it to him instantly. “It’s food, freshly picked or caught this very morning down in the lowlands! Go on, don’t be afraid to have a nibble!”

Teddiursa was by no means afraid to have a nibble. As a matter of fact, he was desperate, especially since he had not had a single bite to eat since a range of berries Jessika had given him at the picnic with Lucy over two days ago. He dug his paws into the squabbling melee, and dragged out the largest object he could find. It was a massive, bright-orange fish, with markings reminiscent to those of a Raikou and a tail so extravagant it made it look as though it had Butterfree wings on its posterior.

Many chicks were reluctant to surrender such a lush prize, and continued to peck away at its fins while the salivating ursine gnawed passionately on its juicy flank. It tasted absolutely delicious, having been flavoured to perfection by the cold salty water of the estuary in which it had once dwelt, and it refreshed Teddiursa with a new hope that inspired him to brave this adventure furthermore, so he could rescue Minupiggu and return to Jessika.
As he indulged in mouthful upon mouthful of this delectable fish, a curious thing that Khuarri had said prior to Victreebel’s interruption came back to him.

“I was driven away from the cliff by those ghastly old xenophobic coots, purely because my mother was kind towards a lowlander.”

Had M’stadawn not said that a Delibird which had originally helped him traverse the perils of the aurora? Now that Teddiursa remembered more clearly, he realised that he had been sent high up here for the very purpose of gaining contact with the descendants of that Delibird, so that they could help him reach the mountaintop where Minupiggu was held captive. “This lowlander your mother helped” began Teddiursa. “Was he by any chance…. A Swanoob called Masslemon?”

“Swanoob? Masslemon?” queried Khuarri, and Teddiursa realised, much to his embarrassment, that he had managed to get his pronunciation awkwardly wrong yet again. “Sorry dear, but I’m afraid I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Unless, of course, you mean that darling M’stadawn. Oh, he was such a sweetie!”

Teddiursa nodded his head, and proceeded to tell Deli-Khuarri a full account of everything that had happened to him, and how he was so determined to save Minupiggu in return for all the kindness Inomoo had shown him.

”Dear me, you really have been through a lot of hardships” said Khuarri after hearing all of this. “I promise I’ll fly you back home safely…. Just as soon as we’ve rescued this poor little Swinub you’re so intent on saving. There is a shaft leading up through the mountain, that opens up near the peak where this Lucy is meant to be. If we ambush her from beneath, it will be easier to whisk Minupiggu away from her.”

“That sounds like a good idea” Teddiursa acknowledged, only to be interrupted by enthralled shrieks coming from the direction of Jumpluff. “Oh! Oh! I’ll come too! It sounds like a wonderful adventure!” Victreebel, who was still partially dazed, added bitterly “Blegh, I suppose I would be less miserable if I got to batter that filthy cow who ruined my already terrible life. Not to say I would be happy, it’s just that I’d be more so than I am now, even if that isn’t really saying much.”

“But if all of us are going up there, who’s going to look after the chicks?” asked Teddiursa. “We might be a very long time.”

”My mate should be returning soon, I’ll leave him a message” replied Khuarri. She broke the tip off a nearby icicle and began scratching runes onto the wall that overhung the nest of frosted lichen. “It’s written in Deliglyphics, a runic script favoured by us Delibirds” she explained, and cast the icicle aside once she was finishing it.

She then flapped half-a-meter into the air above the heads of Teddiursa, Victreebel, and Jumpluff, and then proceeded to flutter off into the labyrinthine maze of ice caves. “Follow me!” she beckoned as she flew along, and the three other Pokemon nervously ventured after her.

This cavernous tunnel which they entered separate at the end to form two very small caves, all of which where as riddled with little holes as the inside of a Shuckle’s shell. Deli-Khuarri led the others into the left cave, then landed at the edge of one of the tightest holes. It was set in the wall, and the minute tunnel inside presumably teetered into an upward shaft.

“Go on then!” beckoned Khuarri upon seeing the hesitation of Teddiursa’s face, and he reluctantly crawled forth into the cold, compact darkness of the little hole.

Teddiursa never knew how much time he spent crawling relentlessly uphill. He felt bitterly chilled in this unpleasant tunnel. Iciness coursed through every fibre in his body whenever he set down his paw, and by the time light began to seep in through the utter darkness and the outside wind rustled his fur, he was practically numb.

He hauled himself out onto fresh glistening snow, all the energy he had gathered from eating the fish now gone completely, and his breathing made unbearably heavy by the extreme altitude. It was only after five minutes of gasping for air and trying to draw back what little strength he could, that he realised he must now be in the very heart of the aurora.

Though Teddiursa would behold many spectacular spectacles in the adventures that awaited him, none could ever so much as hold a candle to would he saw here. Massive curtains of vivid, ever-altering rainbow lights flashed dominantly overhead and all around, as if Mount Trident was enclosed within the petals of a huge celestial flower, and it took Teddiursa’s breath away to think he was in the centre of this eternal phenomena.

Pulses of shimmering green, blossoms of rosy pink, flourishes of translucent gold, and waves of violet lit the sky, reflecting off of the glorious cathedrals of ice that formed the immense triplet peaks of Mount Trident. It was all so huge, and all so beautiful.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” remarked Deli-Khuarri from behind him, hauling her blubbery body out of the hole. From this angle, the hole looked like an Azumarill warren nestled cosily amidst the shallow banks of snow that had congealed on the field-sized expanse of the peak. Teddiursa nodded his head, still transfixed, while Khuarri continued.

“Now, thank goodness that climb is over! I simply cannot stand such enclosed environments. Unfortunately, it seems that Viccers got stuck when entering the tunnel, and Dandy couldn’t get past him, so I’m afraid we probably won’t be seeing them for a little while.” But anyhow, I think we ought to go ahead and find Minupiggu.”

”Minupiggu? Minupiggu?” echoed a faint, scared, tentative squeal, and what looked like a mangy cutting of Piloswine hair came wriggling through the snow, it’s snout wavering and twitching with mad anxiety. “Who said my name? I want to go home to mama.”


“Oh, look!” laughed Khuarri. “We already found him!” She fluttered over the terrified Swinub, scooped him up in her little wings, and cradled him muttering kindly to him. “It’s alright you poor little thing, it’s alright. There’s no need to fret. We’ll get you home to your mama nice and safe in just a moment.”

Minupiggu was trembling uncontrollably, and blurting out words of warning so incoherent neither Delibird nor Teddiursa could actually make out what he was saying.

But it soon became obvious what he was frightened off. Scrunching footsteps ground through the snow, and upon sensing these Khuarri spun round to see two dreadful figures emerging slyly from behind towering icicles at the peak’s edge. They were Lucy and Yhiffle, whom Teddiursa both despised with a twisted passion, and whom were steadily advancing on him from different angles.

“Oh my, you are a persistent critter” said Lucy, flowing graceful as ever towards Teddiursa and Khuarri like a puddle of sweet rose-coloured honey. “Once you’ve evolved and undergone a little more training, the guardians of those nasty woods will fall beneath your claws, and the path to the hidden kingdom will be laid clear before my very feet.”

It was Yhiffle who spoke next. He appeared to wielding a long coil of chain, from which dangled a gnarled, menacingly-sharp hook. “Sorry old Deli, but I’m afraid we’re going to dispose of that pathetic runt. If we let him go, he’ll go blabbing to that crazy Noctowl, and we can’t have that, can we?”
“So that’s why you were so upset about me and the others getting lost during the blizzard!” blurted out Teddiursa in disgust, sidling in to try and shield the terrified Khuarri and the even more terrified Minupiggu from Yhiffle’s wrath. “I thought you cared about us, and that you were just misguided or something!”

“Get out of the way for Pete’s sake!” bellowed Yhiffle, and swung the chain with nimble guile. It lashed swiftly and harshly into Teddiursa, knocking him flying. He then drew back the chain in a graceful, coiled ark, and flung it straight forward like a javelin, hoping to impale Minupiggu as he sobbed helplessly in Khuarri’s cradled wings.
The Delibird lunged ungainly aside with a squawk of utter distress, so that the hideous hook on the tip of the chain rushed past her with a sinister whistle. But instead of letting it fall limp into the snow, Yhiffle twisted it sharply and slightly so that the chain itself spun back round in an arc and lashed itself thoroughly around Khuarri’s body, scattering crimson down over the snow like droplets of blood. Her stubby wings were pinned firmly to her breast, and her legs were locked hopelessly amidst the tangle of chains, but what upset her most of all was the fact that Minupiggu was trapped alongside her in this cold, metal embrace.

“Looks like I’m going to succeed in killing two Pokemon with one Rock Slide!” chortled Yhiffle nastily, and with this he hoisted the chain and began to swing it rapidly. Faster and faster he swung it, charging momentum as if he were an athlete about to toss a ball on a chain, until it was a high-octane blur whooshing overhead like a helicopter blade.

Teddiursa realised he was going to toss them over the edge and into the aurora-lit abyss that dominated the sky beyond, but he had been hopelessly stunned by Yhiffle’s chain, and numbed the immense cold of the snow he was lying in, meaning he could do absolutely nothing to help. He felt pathetic; a ghost who lacked the substance needed for battle, and who could do nothing but watch hopelessly as his allies perished tragically at the clutches of these monstrous people.

“No!” he rasped, as Yhiffle finally released his grip on the chain. It hurtled cleanly into the horizon as though it had been fired from a cannonball, sparkled morosely for one last time in the shining light of the aurora, and plunged into the shadowed, mist-blanketed depths of the abyss that loomed beyond the triplet peaks.

“Bravo Yhiffle!” congratulated Lucy, clapping her dainty white hands together with calm admiration. “Such grace and elegance dedicated to ridding us of those pathetic Pokemon…. It can only be called art.”

At this, Teddiursa exploded with rage. Anger welled up inside him like magma inside a Camerupt at the sheer pitilessness and cruelty of both Lucy and her pilot. Pumped full of burning energy and hungrier for revenge than ever, he lunged forth at Yhiffle, and ambushed him with an anger-fuelled Crunch.
With a howl of pain and a gush of vivid blood, Yhiffle was sent reeling into the snow. Teddiursa had jumped on him from behind and sunken his teeth into his lower back with all the might he could muster. It was a bite so powered by passion that it had damaged the Irishman’s vertebrae in a way that had rendered him incapable of movement.

Teddiursa realised too late that he had gone too far, and sunk to Yhiffle’s level of evil by crippling him so severely. Disgusted by what he had done, he promptly fainted into a heap, blood smeared hideously all over his face, and tears of self-hatred ripe in his once-innocent eyes.

“He has crippled me, the filthy hairball…..” choked Yhiffle. “Lucy, please, I beg of you….. help me, and nurse me back to health…. Together we shall tame the beast, and wield him as a weapon with which we can……”

Whatever he was about to say next jammed in his throat, and his head flopped into the snow. He was breathing heavily.

“Beg of me? BEG OF ME?” hissed Lucy in fury. “After all these months of your insipid brown-nosing, you expect me to pamper wounds for you….. wounds inflicted by a mere baby! And as for you little bear…. It appears you are too unreliable to serve well under my influence.”

She promptly flowed over to the cluster of large icicles from which she and Yhiffle had emerged. Nestled amidst them was a bizarre contraption that resembled a toboggan, only with 4 wooden propellers jutting out from its rear end to form an X-shaped tail, and a parachute-like sail similar to the one on the now-destroyed flying house.

Lucy slipped daintily into the toboggan, her dress crumpling and folding beneath her as if she were melting, and fiddled with a series of dials and tiny levers.

“I shall still reach the hidden realm, even without servants at my fingertips” she continued in her usual sweet, arrogant voice. “The Ovipuzzle shall be unlocked and its secrets infused with the Crystal Harp. Thanks to its power, I shall accumulate servants as great in number as they are in strength. May the both of you rot peacefully on this mountaintop forever more!”

Then the propellers all burst into action simultaneously, propelling the toboggan cleanly through the snow and off the top of the mountain. It plummeted momentarily, before evening out into a steady glide. Finally, the mist that swamped the three peaks and hung like a veil across the shadowed hills beyond engulfed the toboggan, and the only trace of it that remained was Lucy’s echoing cackles.

Yhiffle emitted an anguished roar of dismay, and the inconceivably vast depths of the aurora fell completely silent once more… broken only by a faint blizzard wafting through the abyss. Teddiursa was dreaming horrible dreams as he lay sprawled next to Yhiffle, racked by nightmares over the deaths of Minupiggu and Deli-Khuarri, and of the vile injury he had inflicted on Yhiffle in his moment of wrath.

But he need not have suffered these nightmares, because Khuarri and Minupiggu were not dead, and he would go on to redeem himself during the days that were to follow. Although he didn’t know it then, hope still existed for him in the aurora’s shimmering confines…..
 

Hahahabvc87

Always watching...
Graceful evil... bleah. I'm really starting to hate Lucy now!
When you said that Teddiursa was overcome with anger, I thought he was going to evolve and maim both Lucy and Yhiffle! Oh well, what he did was good enough... Retribution for the crimes he has committed is sweet!

Dandy and Viccers? Well, besides suiting their species, it also suits their personality! I wonder if you had planned this from the start...

But he need not have suffered these nightmares, because Khuarri and Minupiggu were not dead, and he would go on to redeem himself during the days that were to follow. Although he didn’t know it then, hope still existed for him in the aurora’s shimmering confines…..
Ah! You may not know it, but you have spoiled the suspense that we would have gotten when we readers find out that thy are still both alive! Well, that said, I wonder what you will throw in next time that will make up for it...
 
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