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The Crystal Harp.

Again, sorry for the late reply. >_<

Your story is astounding. So mysterious, full of twists and turns, and awfully well-described. The characters are awesome as well. I'm glad Jumpluff and Victreebel are back! Still, it seems they're having quite a hard time. :(

That unwanted reunion with the villains was quite unfortunate as well. Wow... quite astounding. It's rare to see a human attacking a Pokémon in such a way. It also was unexpected to see Teddiursa attack Yhiffle so recklessly. I almost thought he'd evolve there. Hehe. Still, you were realistic and showed Teddiursa's regret and sorrow by his own anger, developing his character even more.

I can't help but wonder what's the grand power beyond the aurora. It seems it's related with Lugia and Ho-Oh, but I wonder how it'll affect the world as a whole. I'm also expecting to see Noctowl again. Still... it's a very tight moment to say the least. Hopefully things start looking up, but I doubt they will. After all, it's the main charm of this Fic. The unexpected twists and turns.

I'll try to read more avidly from now on, as you just got me hooked, to be honest. See you next chapter! :)
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
Hahahabvc87 said:
Ah! You may not know it, but you have spoiled the suspense that we would have gotten when we readers find out that thy are still both alive! Well, that said, I wonder what you will throw in next time that will make up for it...
I was worried people would fret and be deeply disturbed over the apparent death of a helpless baby, so that's why I hinted that they are still alive. However, there still is suspence, possibly even more suspense than before, because it makes you wonder how they survived, how they will be re-intraduced into the storyline, and how Teddiursa will go onto redeeem himself.
Again, sorry for the late reply. >_<
Nah, you don't need to worry about that. Everyone has things to be getting on with outside of the forums.
Oh, and thanks to both of you for your really insightful reviews!
Chapter Nine is due to be centred around Jessika and her grandfather journeying through the Snow-Downs on the trail of the Flying House. It will reveal a little bit about all the aerodynamic technology Lucy has been using, and three new characters will be intraduced. Other than that, I'm going to remain quite for the time being ;)
 

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Though Teddiursa would behold many spectacular spectacles in the adventures that awaited him, none could ever so much as hold a candle to would he saw here. Massive curtains of vivid, ever-altering rainbow lights flashed dominantly overhead and all around, as if Mount Trident was enclosed within the petals of a huge celestial flower, and it took Teddiursa’s breath away to think he was in the centre of this eternal phenomena.

Pulses of shimmering green, blossoms of rosy pink, flourishes of translucent gold, and waves of violet lit the sky, reflecting off of the glorious cathedrals of ice that formed the immense triplet peaks of Mount Trident. It was all so huge, and all so beautiful.

Very lovely description.

May the both of you rot peacefully on this mountaintop forever more!

Oh, I love that line. ^___^


The description in that chapter was particularly good. Also good was the portrayal of character emotions, particularly regarding Teddiursa and what he did to Yhiffle. Oh, and one last thing. The names of the Delibird were really cool; I really liked those. ^^
 

Ohtachi

mia san mia
I've only gotten to Chapter Five, but it's really good so far. A bit sad and melancholy, but it's great. I hope Lucy honestly get's what she deserves. I'll get to the other chapters soon. I don't want to get behind.

Hahahabvc87 said:
Ah! You may not know it, but you have spoiled the suspense that we would have gotten when we readers find out that thy are still both alive! Well, that said, I wonder what you will throw in next time that will make up for it...

I agree. Now that I have read all eight chapters I think the only major mistake was revealing what will happen later at the end of chapter eight. Other than that, excellent so far. I love the sense of sadness and death around a cold abyss. Beautiful. :D
 
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Owneik

Thunder Trainer
Wow...

Well, as for the technical writing, I didn't see a single mistake. +5 for perfect grammar and spelling, or something like that. XD

As for the actual story; wonderful! I liked it a lot, especially the dialogue and Teddiursa's reactions to everything around him. About the former, I liked how there was (to me) a sort of eerie feeling; as if the happy, kind Deli-Khuarri obliviously created a mask of lightheartedness over Teddiursa's very serious thoughts and concerns.

This was definitely my favorite part;
Teddiursa realised too late that he had gone too far, and sunk to Yhiffle’s level of evil by crippling him so severely. Disgusted by what he had done, he promptly fainted into a heap, blood smeared hideously all over his face, and tears of self-hatred ripe in his once-innocent eyes.

It just enhanced that sort of eerie feeling for me, which all in all made the story very interesting to read.

I don't really have much more to say...you're creating a very interesting story here, and I don't have really anything to contribute, as I can't really see how you could improve this story- or writing-wise. You're doing your thing, and the best and most enjoyable thing right now is to stand back and watch. Good job!
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
Here on requesty. ^.^

As usual, I'll just comment a bit on grammar, since my computer has a habit of acting up at the worst possible time.

Anywayz.

I saw a mistake, but I forgot where it was. ;.; My stupid memory.

EDIT: Found it:
“It’s written in Deliglyphics, a runic script favored by us Delibirds” she explained, and cast the icicle aside once she was finishing it.
If you're from a different country than me, then I can understand. But favoured sounds like flavored...

But grammar wise, there's only one thing you have wrong in the mass over there.

You need a comma before the ending of a quotation mark. There's much that you forgot/didn't put.

Like:
“What…. I thought this was the afterlife,” murmured Teddiursa, feeling bewildered that these odd birds were knocking him off mountains one moment and then tending to him the next.
To seperate the sections of the sentence. Yeah, so correct that and you'll be fine.

And sometime in your spacing is pretty inconsistant. Sometimes you won't put any space.
Like this.

But at others, you put two spaces.


Like this.

~

So, anyways, the next best thing that I can do is dialogue.

I've noticed that sometimes the statements sounded weird, or wasn't supposed to be there. Take this as one of the ones that didn't fit:
“Blegh, I suppose I would be less miserable if I got to batter that filthy cow who ruined my already terrible life. Not to say I would be happy, it’s just that I’d be more so than I am now, even if that isn’t really saying much.”
The bolded part would sound more like it would be an author's note.
Teddiursa realised too late that he had gone too far, and sunk to Yhiffle’s level of evil by crippling him so severely. Disgusted by what he had done, he promptly fainted into a heap, blood smeared hideously all over his face, and tears of self-hatred ripe in his once-innocent eyes.

“He has crippled me, the filthy hairball…..” choked Yhiffle. “Lucy, please, I beg of you….. help me, and nurse me back to health…. Together we shall tame the beast, and wield him as a weapon with which we can……”
'Kay, now here. It doesn't sound right, because it's like he was listening to the narrator who tells this story. So you can substitute the second/first one with something like "injuring" or something.


Alright, conclusion. What I liked about the last chapter. ^.^
“Such grace and elegance dedicated to ridding us of those pathetic Pokemon…. It can only be called art.”
... What I liked about this that it has reference that this Lucy is a cold-hearted killer...something I like. :p

~Literate
 
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Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
Literate said:
'Kay, now here. It doesn't sound right, because it's like he was listening to the narrator who tells this story. So you can substitute the second/first one with something like "injuring" or something.
Now that I think about it, you definately have a point. Another thing about that line I've realised is that Yhiffle is made out to be a rather gruff, abrasive fellow, so having him say something long-winded like 'crippled' is a bit out of character. Mehh... I'll go and change it to "Arghhhh.... He bit me, the filthy hairball!"
The bolded part would sound more like it would be an author's note.
I originally intended it to sound like Victreebel is wallowing in self-pity. It would sound a little odd if he was having a discussion, but in this situation he's basically thinking aloud, or talking to himself.
To seperate the sections of the sentence. Yeah, so correct that and you'll be fine.
Damn, I never realised that >__> I don't have enough free time to go through the whole fic inserting those commas where they've been missed out, so I must remember to use them when writing later chapters.
 

Alluvion

Long-Time Lurker
You have asked, so I shall deliver!

PLOT

First, your sig is right about the sudden twists! The way it twists right from the beginning, from the start of a journey to the start of a quest, was a great touch. The absolute shift of focus from the humans to the Pokemon made it even better! However, some twists and happenings in the plot seemed rather forced. Take, for example, when everyone falls out of the helicopter. If Lucy and Yhiffle fell in the same direction Teddiursa did, how would they end up on the peak of the mountain? Double for Dandy and Viccers, since they would have been in the same place in the copter as Teddiursa, and would be much closer to him.

Some plot elements also need clarification. Where, exactly, would be the "middle" of the mountain? Is that where the lava would be in a volcano? If so, why would Khuarri be where Teddiursa was falling? A river was never mentioned, so where would the fish come from?

One thing that really peeves me is when an author puts a character into a scene and promptly forgets their presence. Dandy and Viccers were inside Khuarri's cave. Dandy and Viccers showed all signs of going up the tunnel along with Teddiursa and Khuarri. Dandy and Viccers are not mentioned for the rest of the chapter. What happened?! Where did they go?!

Remember the loose ends that need to be tied up. I really hope the Ovipuzzle is described more in the next chapter.

A word on pacing-- action-filled, tense scenes need a faster pace. Try using shorter sentences and words during those times; the way you write them now makes them seem bogged down and heavy.

Like those who reviewed before me said, mentioning that Minupiggu and Khuarri are still alive was a real suspense killer. That's a bit of a shame, because you were really good about that before.

CHARACTERS

The characters are definitely the strongest part of the fic. You really get a sense of what they're like!

You did a great job with Lucy. I love the villians who break the good=pretty and pretty=good stereotype. The way you describe the movement of her dress is perfect, but I need some help figuring out how a harp can be used as a headress. And clarification on what "pastry color" is.

I must say thank you, thank you, thank you for Viccers. Have you read Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy? He's like Marvin!

“Out of the frying pan, into the fire, I say” groaned Victreebel, and Teddiursa spun round to see both the pessimistic pitcher-plant and the optimistic dandelion slumped amidst a forest of icicles. They looked badly frostbitten. “Life just drags on and on, flinging you all over the place like a leaf in a gale, and no matter where you end up, it’s always just as miserable as ever. I don’t even understand the point of being alive in the first place, if things are always this wretched.”

It takes a lot for me to actually make a positive exclamation while reading. This did it. Bravo. Not to mention he did that great moment with Grampa in the breeding center. Well, more like disgusting, but hey.

The Piloswine herd was great for the most part. I really liked the names; they were references to pigs, boars, etc., but not in an overly obvious way. But it is my duty to point out the things that were wonky. First, do you really think Piloswine can jump? I trained a Piloswine in Colosseum too, and I can say they really don't seem like the type. Second:

Teddiursa’s intestines wrenched sickeningly with grief and horror, when he realised that the entire herd, with the exception of the four currently gathered nearby, had perished.
“It’s not alright” sobbed Iboor wearily. “Half of us have suffered horrible deaths in the icy realms of this accursed mountain, and all because I was gullible enough to believe that unibrowed feather duster. You were right, Uthus. I’m a disgrace, and not just to my herd. I’m a disgrace to all Pokemon.”

So there were four left, and Iboor says only half of the herd are left. That makes a grand total of eight Piloswine in all. Now... I don't know about you, but I think that a good sized herd would have more members. Like, 20 or something.

Now about the dialouge; your characters always use the long way of saying things. Now, that's fine for Oracle Nightwing and Viccers, as they seem pretty verbose anyways. But for Teddiursa...

I’m willing to do you a favour and rescue Mynapiggy, no matter how dangerous it is!

Not quite right. Also;

“Ah, you must be the little Pokemon my wonderful mistress claimed to have captured back at the breeding centre. It seems as if you and your trainer were tough nuts to crack, even for someone as glorious as Lady Panpippa. But now that you’re in our possession, I get the feeling you’ll serve as a brilliant battler under her influence.”

Wow, quite a bit to say.

DESCRIPTION

Nothing much to say on this that you haven't already acknowledged. Just a bit more on pacing; calm scenes need more descriptions, anxious ones need almost nothing.

GRAMMAR

Again, everything's already been said.

ETC.

If people are being turned off by the paragraphs, go back and fix them so readers will stick around. But my job is done, so I won't! Great fic, I'll be back within a week of the next chapter!

~Alluvion

;221;;138;;221;
 

Faerie

MONS
Ah. I've read the first three chapters of this and I now I can review as requested.

This story looks pretty good from what I've read. There are a few mistakes here and there but all around it's quite nice. It's an interesting storyline you've got there and I think you can do a lot of interesting things with the story.

First off, the description is very pretty. The words you've chosen flow very well and most of the time I got a clear image of what was going on. However, try to make your descriptions a little lengthier rather than using breif (but admittedly pretty) sentence-or-two paragraphs. Also, like everyone else is saying, break up your paragraphs a little more by double-spacing between every paragraph. Not much more to inprove on in that category, though.

The characters are pretty interesting. Now, keep in mind I haven't read the whole thing yet, but they don't seem fully developed yet. Although the characters do have very distinct personalities, a few of them seem...vaguely one-sided. I do like Everisto though. He's quite amusing.

On the other hand, the dialouge is very stiff. Often the characters seem overly formal and their speech is more like prose than conversation. I suggest listening to other people's speech habits and paying attention to the way they word their sentences.

So, um...That's it for now. I'll probably come back and do some more reviewing on the later chapters if you like.
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
Take, for example, when everyone falls out of the helicopter. If Lucy and Yhiffle fell in the same direction Teddiursa did, how would they end up on the peak of the mountain? Double for Dandy and Viccers, since they would have been in the same place in the copter as Teddiursa, and would be much closer to him.
Victreebel and Jumpluff regained consciousness before Teddiursa, and ventured off towards the mountain. While doing so, Deli-Khuarri found them and took them home to her nest. As for Yhiffle and Lucy, they proabably flew up their using the flying tobbogans.
Some plot elements also need clarification. Where, exactly, would be the "middle" of the mountain? Is that where the lava would be in a volcano? If so, why would Khuarri be where Teddiursa was falling? A river was never mentioned, so where would the fish come from?
I probably should have put 'inside the mountain' as opposed to 'the middle of the mountain', but whatever. As for Khuarri saving Teddiursa, it was just a lucky coincidence that she happened to be returning to her nest when he fell.
One thing that really peeves me is when an author puts a character into a scene and promptly forgets their presence. Dandy and Viccers were inside Khuarri's cave. Dandy and Viccers showed all signs of going up the tunnel along with Teddiursa and Khuarri. Dandy and Viccers are not mentioned for the rest of the chapter. What happened?! Where did they go?!
Unfortunately, it seems that Viccers got stuck when entering the tunnel, and Dandy couldn’t get past him, so I’m afraid we probably won’t be seeing them for a little while.
First, do you really think Piloswine can jump?
Under normal circumstances, not really. But they where greatly assisted by the momentum of the falling ice, and even so, very few of them actually made it across.
Thanks to everybody who's reviewed, and I'll make sure to take that advice onboard later on in the story. Chapter Nine will probably be up by tommorow... maybe even today, depending on how quickly I finish it, so you won't have to wait much longer.
 

jirachiman876

The King of Kirby
I've been reading this for a couple of days now. Been trying to get to reading the chapters, took me till just now to finish. Anyway, along the way I've noticed the improvement and all that jazz so tis good. Even so, still I think you could combine more paragraphs together, it really seems too spaced out at times.
I'm really loving this plot, but what would really make it better (in my opinion) is if we get a little on what jessika is trying to do to find her wittle Teddi. I like the cliffhangers too, Keeps keeping me on the edge of my seat. I've always loved those cliffhangers. Anyway good job there.
The characters are all very good. I really love jumpluff and victreebell, so funny. I like lucy too. I mean like as in I hate her. She is really ebil. You know when you hit the all time ebilist when you abandon your partner on a snowy mountain paralyzed. Supa Ebil. I liked the grandparents too, very good personalities. Noctowl reminds me of that owl from Legend of Zelda, who would always tell you bout what you had to do in the game. Creepy but helpful. The Piloswine herd was very good. I loved all the varied personalities. Twas really well done.
This has always been a pet peeve of mine. When most people talk in that formal speech. What you need is like a country hick Pokemon. But tis just me and I shall keep reading. I doubt you will change that anyway.
Well I hope to read and enjoy this more and more as the chapters progress. You've got the aptitude??? I don't know the word now.
jirachiman out ;385;
 

The Pokemon Master

Master Trainer
Well, that was a suspenseful Chapter. For once, I don’t really have to comment badly on your grammar, so a very good job there! About the only thing I’ll complain about before I get off of complaints is the same that a few have commented on already: that you informed us of Khuarri and Minupiggu’s survival. In my opinion, it would have been a far greater surprise to let us believe that they had died, then reintroduced them to the story later. But don’t worry about it too much, it’s still given me a few more unanswered questions.

Now for the good points! The description was marvelous, as usual. Lucy’s portrayal as a cold-blooded, ruthless, and elegant villain has been escalated with her absolute contempt for her crippled servant. And Teddiursa has unleashed his inner fury! Although he debased himself in that way was a bit much, at least Yhiffle is now crippled. Permanently. *grins* He deserves it. A wonderful Chapter, and I look forward to the next one!

Until we meet again…
;150;
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
Nine reviews for a single chapter? As always, thanks to everyone for your insightful comments and constructive critiscism.
Since you've waited long enough for Chapter 9, I'm going to split it into two chapters and post the first half right now. This chapter, as well as being the first human-centric one since the beggining, also hosts the first traditional Pokemon battle, and intraduces four new characters and the suggestion for an enigma character, so its quite a pivotal moment in the storyline. I hope it's a success.

----------------------------

Chapter Nine: The Mysterious Lord Alpinn.

Jessika Eujun waded through the bleak beauty of the Snowstack Downs. She was knee-deep in fresh snow, her face was protected against the snowy downfall by a scarf which her grandmother had knitted for her, and she was weighed down by the huge backpack that Everisto had insisted she carry.

Everisto himself was struggling through the magnificent snowy dunes alongside her, clearing a feeble path with his badly-mended walking stick. The aurora loomed ahead of them, except that it was far less wispy and ethereal than when viewed up close.

The pair of them had been tracking Lucy through the north of Johto ever since Jessika had recovered from her fall. Everisto had originally planned to undertake this expedition alone, but Jessika had insisted on accompanying him because she was so worried about Teddiursa, and she was too persistent for him to refuse her.

“Any signs of that horrible flying house yet, grandpa?” queried Jessika, her breath clammy against her scarf in the immense cold. Everisto’s eyes were frantically flicking behind his half-moon spectacles as he soldiered on, desperately searching for any clues about Lucy’s airborne structure or those who had been onboard it when it left the breeding centre.

He sighed, his head hung with disappointment. “Sorry Jessika, there’s nothing in this snow desert as far as I can see,” he replied. “Only snow, and the hills that are covered in it. But you needn’t fret…. I’m sure we’ll come across it soon enough.”

“I hope we do, for Teddiursa’s sake,” said Jessika morosely. “And so we can get back home to the warmth of the breeding centre, away from all this cold.”


Her brain was clouding over with distress and grief as she spoke of Teddiursa, so she quickly changed the subject in an attempt to dispel this nagging remorse.

“Hey grandpa, what exactly was it that Lucy woman after? I can’t see what someone like her would need eggs for, unless they hatched into priceless Pokemon. But we’ve never bred any really, really rare Pokemon, so that can’t be it.”

“Do not bring up that subject again,” growled Everisto, in an uncharacteristically stern voice. “I was sworn to secrecy on that matter by Lord Alpinn, and even if I wasn’t, I certainly wouldn’t go revealing it to someone who isn’t old enough to understand it.”

“Lord Alpinn?” Jessika asked suddenly. "Who is this Lord Alpinn?”

Through the gentle downpour of snow, Jessika glimpsed her grandfather’s chapped, wrinkled face turn white, and his toothless mouth hang open; appalled that he had let something so secretive leak into another person’s ears.

“I should not have said that,” he breathed. “Please, forget I ever said anything."

Even though Jessika didn’t continue interrogating her grandfather, her curiosity was increased tenfold. Everisto had never mentioned anything that had happened to him before he married Hazel and took over management of the breeding centre; so perhaps Lord Alpinn and mysterious egg were in some way connected with those unknown events.

It was now that Jessika glimpsed a silhouette looming out from amidst the majestic white hills. It was considerably far away and its image was blurred by the wafting snow, meaning she couldn’t decipher what it was, but it looked somewhat like a house, and anywhere that offered homely values felt welcoming in such a harsh, bitter wilderness.

“Grandpa, look, I think there’s a house somewhere over there!” she cried, wading more determinedly than ever through the undulating snow barrens.

Everisto hurried after her, tripping often due to his uncharacteristic pace and denseness of the snow. “Jessika, stop, this is dangerous!” he bellowed. “The only people known to live here are nomadic hunting tribes, and there’s no telling whether or not they’re friendly!”

By the time he had caught up with his granddaughter and clasped her shoulder firmly with a mittened hand, he was white with powder snow. “Jessika, please, you must act cautiously. If the landlords of that mysterious abode up ahead turn out to be hostile, then you’ll need me and Ampharos to protect you.”

Ampharos was the only Pokemon Everisto had ever raised for usage in battle, and forefather to the numerous Mareep and Flaaffy which grazed peacefully in the breeding-centre grounds. It was also his first ever Pokemon, having been received by him almost sixty years ago when he was Jessika’s age.

Suddenly, a piercing scream tore through the gentle blizzard, and it appeared to be coming from the direction of the enigma structure a few hills away from them. Everisto’s hand clasped instinctively around Ampharos’s Pokeball, as he rushed onward through the snow to investigate. “Stay here,” he whispered to Jessika before departing, and she reluctantly stood her ground.

As he drew closer to the house, he was able to observe its structure. It resembled a town hall more than a house, with cathedral-like windows looming from its wooden, pillared flank and a tiny veranda beneath the gable.

It appeared to be hovering amidst the sweeping, snow-covered hills, which made Everisto wonder whether it might be Lady Panpippa’s flying house, but then he realised it couldn’t be. It was bigger for a start, and lacked the hideous tangle of rigging and smoke-stacks that Jessika had described.

Mystified, he went on traversing the crest of the hill, and it was only when he walked over the ridge and began descending into the enclave where the building was nestled that the answer came to him.

The house was in fact a caravan, suspended on four massive wheels. A number of large dome-shaped tents, layered with Stantler and Piloswine hides for additional warmth, were loosely arrayed within close proximity to the caravan.

It was, as Everisto had predicted, a simple nomadic village, whose residents probably scratched out a living through hunting whatever inhabited the cold tundra. But from the moment he had heard the scream, he had known that something bad was occurring, and that he understood what that bad thing was.

Five barbaric-looking men in Spheal-skin cloaks and with Ursaring skulls for helmets where advancing menacingly towards a crippled figure, who lay at the foot of the immense caravan. Before this gaggle of attackers sprawled a colossal walrus Pokemon, with a ragged mane flowing in smelly white curls over its flabby backside and tusks as long as Everisto’s walking stick.

“Abort its construction now, or Walrein here will crush you and your entire village without the slightest ounce of mercy,” the apparent leader of the barbarians was saying in a deep, guttural, heavily-accented voice.

“No….,” croaked the half-dead figure, who lay sprawled before the magnificent Walrein. “I… would never… surrender to one… as … pathetic as….. yourself….. The operation… shall… continue… regardless of whether or not…. I survive.. this… attack.”

Everisto was impressed by the courage of this unknown man, yet also worried, because he appeared to have been horribly mangled by these beastly people, and none of the villagers were doing anything to help him. In fact, the only villagers Everisto could see was a cluster of frightened youths peeping from within the cowl of a tent, and they disappeared from sight the moment a barbarian’s eyes looked in their direction.

“Since you have decided not to co-operate, I have no choice but to kill you,” hissed the leader, before exploding into a fit of shouting. “WALREIN, USE BODY SLAM!”

Walrein lunged at the man in an earthshaking barrel-roll, and was just about to engulf him in a tsunami of fat when Everisto, in a moment of blind, desperate bravery, dashed down the slope, scooped up the man with what little strength he could muster, and hauled him away in the nick of time, landing alongside each other in the snow.

“Damn!,” the leader roared. “I never expected this. No matter… it just means that your "saviour" shall die too. WALREIN, USE ICE BALL!”

Walrein thundered on through the snow, before flopping awkwardly back into position and waddling round to confront Everisto and the man he had rescued. Everisto staggered to his feet, his body racked by horrendous pain… for that act had triggered a spout of back-ache so awful he could barely stand upright. He grappled for Ampharos’s Pokeball, clasped it firmly, and tossed it.

From it erupted a flash of crimson light, that materialised into the tall form of a long-necked bipedal sheep. It was completely hairless, unlike the woolly Mareeps and Flaaffies that roamed the breeding centre grounds, and a jewel of crimson chitin sparkled at the tip of its striped tail.

“Ampharos…,” gasped Everisto, clutching his hip and keeling over. “Please…. Thunderbolt that beast… protect the injured man….”

He then fell into a crouch, agony searing through him. Ampharos bleated in concern, but its master persisted. “Do not fear for me… I shall be alright…. Please… Do it… Quickly….”

And with that, he fell flat on his face, unconscious amidst the ranks of the mysterious attackers. Ampharos looked away, burying his distress and determined to fulfil his master’s last command.

The Walrein seemed to be doing nothing whatsoever; just lounging there in swathes of its own blubber; until Ampharos saw that within its gaping mouth a globe of pure frost was condensing out of thin air, swelling and swelling like an ethereal balloon. It was the Ice Ball attack that its master had ordered it to perform, and now it was ready to launch it at its enemy.

Ampharos was unable to evade the blast of coldness. It struck him full-on, hurling his brittle body like a rag-doll into a nearby tent. The impact shredded the layers of fur of the tent and brought the half of the rib-like superstructure thundering down on the already-crippled Pokemon.

“What a pitiful struggle,” announced Walrein’s master, his eyes fixed admiringly on the wreckage of the tent. “Now that that’s over… destroy the chieftain, and the traveller that prolonged his fate!”

The barbarians all silently whipped out the colossal axes they had lashed to their belts, and made simultaneously for the two injured men… when suddenly a tendril of vivid electricity lashed out and smote one of the antagonists with passionate ferocity.

There was an explosion of light, and he was hurled flailing beyond the boundaries of the campsite. Three more bolts simultaneously thundered down, like fissures in the fabric of the atmosphere, and even though the barbarians raised their axes to deflect them or attempted to flee, the lightning still found its mark.

The leader turned his eyes away from the spectacle, and looked once more towards the damaged tent. Ampharos was crawling steadily from beneath one of the long, curving struts, his horns crackling as he sent Thunderbolt after Thunderbolt sizzling towards Walrein and the barbarians.

“WALREIN, USE HEADBUTT!,” he roared, and Walrein obediently slithered towards Ampharos like a mammalian slug. It was bellowing in pain as lightning pummelled it, but it hauled itself persistently along, its thick skull poised to crash into Ampharos and shatter his bones.

Ampharos saw this coming, and drew back his foreleg with what little strength he could muster. Just when Walrein was upon him, he brought the foreleg vehemently forwards in a lightning-fast, electrified punch.

It was a meagre attack, but the force was great enough to crush Walrein’s chin and drive it backwards. Another Thunderpunch followed the last one with equal power, this time landing between the beast’s eyes and knocking it senseless.

The leading attacker’s face distorted with rage, into a grimace so hideous it chilled the mortally-weakened Ampharos to the bone. “You hideous vermin! Because of you, Yyselius’ destruction has been prolonged yet again, and now that it is almost complete we may never get another chance!”

But before he could flee, the sound of numerous hooves began echoing through the tundra ahead of him, getting louder and louder, till four magnificent reindeer with extravagant horns came lunging through the snow. They where harnessed to a streamlined sleigh, carved from elegant pinewood and with a fur-swathed, furious-looking warrior at the reins.

“What in the name of the Aurora have you done to our chieftain!” bellowed the driver, passionately spurring on the reindeer with violent lashes of his whip. “You shall pay for this, you Rungard scum!”

The reindeers collided with the barbarian before he was able to flee; the first pair ploughing him down with their horns and the second pair crushing his broken body beyond recognition with their powerful hooves. The sleigh drove swiftly over what was left, rubbing the mangled carcass into the deep snow, before drawing to a sudden halt before the ruined tent.

“ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” echoed his final bellow of agony, terror, and despair, before evaporating into the shimmering sky.

The sleigh-driver disembarked urgently from his vehicle, and walked across the snow to where the barbarian’s victim lay. His ragged crimson robes were tangled around his injured body, his limbs were grotesquely akimbo, and a wide gash ran like a fissure down his forehead. Only his uneven, gasping breaths proved that he was still alive.

“Chieftain… are you alright?” queried the sleigh-driver in concern, kneeling before the crippled man. “Have those damned brigands damaged Yyselius, or found out about the Emperor? And as for the other villagers..”

“I was able… to hold… off… the Rungards… long enough… for everyone to escape…” choked the Chieftain. Every time he spoke, a number of his teeth fell out like sweets from a slot-machine. “But… I was… badly injured… in the process…. Had a…. traveller and… his Ampharos… not… arrived… out of the blue…. and saved… me…. I would have been….. killed.”

All around, the frightened villagers were slowly emerging from their tents, and milling around the Chieftain, trying to see what had become of him. All of them were dressed in long Stantler-skin kilts, with tunics of Piloswine fur.

“Fenrir…..” the Chieftain continued weakly. “That… old man…. willingly… sacrificed himself… to protect… a… stranger. Someone that good….. does not… deserve… to die…. Please Fenrir… help him….”

Fenrir surveyed the village, till his eyes fell on a pained-looking old man, sprawled awkwardly a few feet away from the Chieftain. His clothes, though multi-layered and thick, were infinitely more refined and sophisticated than the garments the villagers and the Rungard barbarians both wore, meaning he must have been a traveller from the lands far south of here.

Then, Fenrir turned his attentions to the crowd, and ushered forth two dumpy, round-faced old women. “You two, carry that stranger into your tent and nurse whatever injuries he is suffering from,” he instructed, pointing sternly in the direction of one of the tents.

“But Lord Fenrir, what if he’s a Rungard agent?” stammered one of the women in a jittery, nervous voice. “And even so, shouldn’t we focus on helping our Chieftain instead of this peculiar fellow?”

“The Chieftain had demanded that we put the stranger’s needs before our own,” said Fenrir. “I would strongly advice that we obey… though even I have my doubts.”

Begrudgingly, the two women each held Everisto’s body at opposite ends and hoisted him off the snow-laden ground. They proceeded inside, carrying the unconscious man between them like someone on a stretcher. Everyone else likewise vanished solemnly into their tents, till only Fenrir and the Chieftain remained outside in the cold…..
 
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Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Walrein lunged at the man in an earthshaking barrel-roll, and was just about to engulf him in a tsunami of fat

“Tsunami of fat”…I love that.

like fissures in the fabric of the atmosphere

Cool phrase. It’d make a heck of an album title.

The reindeers collided with the barbarian before he was able to flee; the first pair ploughing him down with their horns and the second pair crushing his broken body beyond recognition with their powerful hooves. The sleigh drove swiftly over what was left, rubbing the mangled carcass into the deep snow, before drawing to a sudden halt before the ruined tent.

Oh, damn… O_O That was quite an image. Ouch.


Well, I'm definitely interested in the people of this region now, especialy with regards to this Emperor they seem so intent on protecting. Liked the Ampharos vs. Walrein battle, especially with regards to the way that Walrein and its movements were portrayed - referring to Walrein as being like a "mammalian slug" fit the image I always had in my mind of the creature very well.

And I suspect I will be thinking of the "death by Stantler" scene for quite some time. That was just frelling awesome.
 

Hahahabvc87

Always watching...
Nice chapter part! Unfortunately all that I have to praise about it has been done so by Ms. Sike :p

Eh... in the midst of all that excitement, where did Jessika go?
 

Komedic Konservationist

N00b in the dungeon!
intergalactic platypus said:
Sexy as usual KK. You really really hate Delibird don't you?
I love Delibird ;__;
Eh... in the midst of all that excitement, where did Jessika go?
Everisto told her to stay behind, so for the time being we shall assume that she's still waiting patiently for him to return, without any knowledge of the events he's gotten involved in at the village.
Note to all my readers: I'm going on holiday to Shropshire with my family tommorow morning, and since I'm going to be staying in the country, I will have no access to the internet for a week, so don't worry if I'm absent from the forums or don't update this story during that time. In the meantime, you can enjoy the new Chapter 1, which has been partially rewritten using all the wonderful advice you have given me these past months.
 

Alluvion

Long-Time Lurker
I'm back. Sorry for the late review!

I won't arrange things as before, since the problems don't fit into those categories. Let's go!

PHRASING AND SENTENCES

It was considerably far away and its image was blurred by the wafting snow, meaning she couldn’t decipher what it was, but it looked somewhat like a house, and anywhere that offered homely values felt welcoming in such a harsh, bitter wilderness.
Run-on sentence.

Mystified, he went on traversing the crest of the hill, and it was only when he walked over the ridge and began descending into the enclave were the building nestled that the answer came to him.
Perhaps you mean "where the building was nestled". Also, try reading that sentence out loud. Please consider ways to rephrase that; it's really nasty.

And with that, he fell flat on his face, unconscious and amidst the ranks of the mysterious attackers. Ampharos looked away, burying his distress and determined to fulfil his master’s last command.
Remove the bolded word, and it's fine.

Fenrir surveyed the village, till his eyes fell on a pained-looking old man, sprawled awkwardly a few feet away from the Chieftain. His clothes, though multi-layered and thick, were infinitely more refined and sophisticated than the garments the villagers and the Rungard barbarians both wore, meaning he must be a traveller from the lands far south of here.
Tense change. It should be "must have been."

DIALOGUE

“No….,” croaked the half-dead figure, who lay sprawled before the magnificent Walrein. “I… would never… surrender to one… as … pathetic as….. yourself….. The operation… shall… continue… regardless of whether or not…. I survive.. this… attack.”
“I was able… to hold… off… the Rungards… long enough… for everyone to escape…” choked the Chieftain. Every time he spoke, a number of his teeth fell out like sweets from a slot-machine. “But… I was… badly injured… in the process…. Had a…. traveller and… his Ampharos… not… arrived… out of the blue…. and saved… me…. I would have been….. killed.”
“Fenrir…..” the Chieftain continued weakly. “That… old man…. willingly… sacrificed himself… to protect… a… stranger. Someone that good….. does not… deserve… to die…. Please Fenrir… help him….”
He's awfully talkative for someone half-dead, huh? Somebody as beated as you've made him out to be should barely be talking at all. There are words (and even phrases) that could be taken out of his speech.

“Damn!,” the leader roared. “I never expected a lost traveller to appear out of nowhere and try to save you. No matter… it just means that he shall die too. WALREIN, USE ICE BALL!”
This sounds like something a parody villain would say. It would be better if the bolded part was cut down to, "I didn't expect this." or even, "I never expected..."

ETC.

Everisto himself was struggling through the magnificent snowy dunes alongside her, clearing a feeble path with his badly-mended walking stick. The aurora loomed ahead of them both, although it was wispy and ethereal compared to the flowery glory Teddiursa was witnessing at this very moment.
We don't really need to know what Teddiursa was doing right then. It's sort of taken for granted that this happens either after or just before the end of the last chapter.

“Do not bring up that subject again,” growled Everisto, in an uncharacteristically stern voice. “I was sworn to secrecy on that matter by Lord Alpinn, and even if I wasn’t, I certainly wouldn’t go revealing it to someone who isn’t old enough to understand it.”

“Lord Alpinn?” Jessika asked suddenly. "Who is this Lord Alpinn?”

Through the gentle downpour of snow, Jessika glimpsed her grandfather’s chapped, wrinkled face turn white, and his toothless mouth hang open; appalled that he had let something so secretive leak into another person’s ears.

“I should not have said that,” he breathed. “Please, forget I ever said anything. No more questions…. I might expose something of deeper importance to you next time, and that cannot be allowed to happen.”
Okay, that's a bit cliche. I don't know how else that could be expressed, but that needs to be brought to your attention.

Even so, the chapter was a great change of pace. Still looking forward to the next one! See ya then, and sorry again for the late review!

~Alluvion
;138;;138;;138;
 
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